Baekhyun didn't exactly know how to start talking. He knew he had to, but he couldn't find the words - not to mention the ones that would seem right to be said. His mind was empty and his heart felt so heavy. 

Chanyeol didn't say anything, either. He was driving both of them home quietly, concentrated. If it was just that, Baekhyun wouldn't have minded, but the thing that bothered him was that Chanyeol always held Baekhyun's hand, even if the two of them weren't talking during the ride home. He always said he just liked the feeling of Baekhyun's skin against his, the feeling of having him there. It didn't feel right for him to be in the same space with Baekhyun and not touch him.

But now, both of the taller male's hands were gripping onto the steering wheel firmly, and nor his eyes or hands tried to look for Baekhyun to feel that he's there. He only was looking straight ahead, expression serious and eyes unreadable.

"Chanyeol?" Baekhyun asked quietly, worriedly. He hated this stiff silence so bad he just had to do anything to make the atmosphere at least a little less tense.

"Hm?" Chanyeol answered, still not looking at him. His eyes was on the road in front of them, but Baekhyun knew that he was trying to avoid looking at him. That made him sad.

"Nothing, I guess. I'll just wait till we're home..." he murmured, turning to look out the window. Snowflakes were falling beautifully outside, and if his heart was any lighter, Baekhyun would have been happy. He always loved winter and snowy days.

Chanyeol parked the car neatly right next to the entrance. He always did that in winter, because he knew that Baekhyun gets cold easily, and then instantly catches colds. Before Baekhyun could thank him for the consideration, Chanyeol got out of the car, and Baekhyun sadly followed, crouching his shoulders to keep himself warm. Snowflakes instantly attacked his face together with the fierce wind, making him pull the collar of his coat all the way up to his nose and sigh. He quickly hurried after Chanyeol into the building and into the elevator, rubbing his hands together and stealing glances at his boyfriend's back.

When they were standing in the elevator, Baekhyun glimpsed at Chanyeol again, and his heart fluttered when their eyes met for a second. Chanyeol was looking at him, and before he could say something, the taller took a step forward. He reached out, his long fingers touching Baekhyun's forehead. Baekhyun looked up at him, quiet, confused, but not wanting to do anything that would make Chanyeol stop or step away. Chanyeol ran his fingers through Baekhyun's red locks, gently getting rid of the snowflakes that were stuck there, and then pulled his hand away. He touched his own hair, looking embarrassed, and stepped back, leaning his back back onto the wall of the elevator, where it was before he touched Baekhyun.

The smaller sighed and leaned back, too. 

Patience. That was what he needed most right now.

***

It was so hard for Chanyeol to hold himself back.

It was hard to be mad at Baekhyun. It was hard to ignore him. It was hard not to talk to him and to pretend that him dressing up and putting on makeup did not irk Chanyeol one bit. Because it did. It did so bad that Chanyeol was unpleasantly surprised himself.

Dating somebody like Baekhyun had never been easy. Because Baekhyun was so beautiful, so perfect, and always in the centre of attention, making all people around him notice his presence and want his attention. Meanwhile Chanyeol was always at the back, quietly. In any party they went to together, everybody only remembered meeting Baekhyun, and nobody remembered his boyfriend. Nobody knew or care to know Chanyeol, and Chanyeol knew that.

As the smaller was getting dressed for the party at Kyungsoo's workplace, Chanyeol's eyes kept going back to the beautiful curve of his boyfriend's waist, his expressive eyes and confident stature. His eyes followed Baekhyun's beautiful hands as they moved, his thin fingers running through soft red hair, and his heart would keep getting heavier and heavier for reasons he couldn't voice out. His boyfriend, his Baekhyun was so beautiful. So perfect. So desirable to too many, and who even knows why he's dating Park Chanyeol of all people.

Thoughts like these made his heart tremble with fear. He knew that at anytime Baekhyun could wake up and realize that he'd been making a mistake all this time, then meet someone better, and fall in love with someone else. He knew Baekhyun thought he loved him, but Chanyeol just couldn't keep fearing that if somebody else, someone better comes along, Baekhyun will slip through his fingers and disappear. He, Chanyeol, couldn't handle the possibility - he needed Baekhyun. Baekhyun was the very reason, the very core of his heart, and without him, he had nothing.

Which was why when he saw Baekhyun emerge from their bedroom, with the most alluring eyeshadow on his eyes and his ily tousled red hair, something in Chanyeol simply snapped. His brain stopped functioning. His body just moved on its own, all his instincts shouting at him to stop Baekhyun, to keep him here, not to let him go. He couldn't let him go - he was scared he wasn't coming back.

So he ran after him and grabbed Baekhyun's wrist, spinning him around to face him. The next second his lips were on the redhead's, blocking any words from coming from his mouth, stopping Baekhyun from saying anything that would make Chanyeol stop. Baekhyun tasted sweet, so sweet. The sweetness made Chanyeol's blood boil even more fervently, making him kiss Baekhyun deeper and with even more passion. 

His arm found its place around Baekhyun's waist, his fingers touched Baekhyun's hair, Baekhyun's skin, and he didn't even feel it as he started walking, taking Baekhyun to the nearest soft surface where he could touch him more, feel that he's really still there, right here in his arms. He never let Baekhyun pull away from their kiss. As seconds passed, hesitant Baekhyun got more and more into their kiss, and Chanyeol felt his beautiful fingers also get lost in his hair. He let his own touch Baekhyun's taut stomach, and then began freeing his boyfriend of his clothing. There was so much heat, so much need in between them, and Chanyeol wanted to burn in it so bad because it was Baekhyun, and he couldn't control himself when it came to him.

But all of a sudden, Baekhyun pushed him away.

"Wait," he breathed out, looking into Chanyeol's eyes, strange look in his eyes. "You're not doing this just to get me not to go, right?"

What?.. Chanyeol's eyes widened, and he looked away. He was, at first. But then that party slowly ceased to matter as he kissed and touched Baekhyun, as their passion became one. Now he just wanted to feel him, his heartbeat against his skin. 

"Oh my god, you are," Baekhyun accused, taking his silence the wrong way. "You are literally trying to sleep with me so that I wouldn't go to that party! Park Chanyeol!"

Chanyeol moved back, not knowing what to say, wanting to just shake his head and say that no, that wasn't the reason he kissed Baekhyun. It started of that, yes, because he did not want Baekhyun to go, he didn't want him to go and have other people look at him, drink with him and think about him. He wanted Baekhyun here with him instead. He did have the invitation to go to that party, but he didn't want to... because even if he was there, Baekhyun could still meet somebody better. A good looking lawyer, who's smarter, funny, good looking and just everything that Chanyeol isn't. He just didn't want to stand there and watch it happen. 

He told Baekhyun he would do anything if he didn't go. And he would've. But Baekhyun yelled at him and left in the end. Not even begging helped to stop him. Chanyeol leaned back on the couch, and closed his eyes, feeling them ache with unshed tears. He couldn't get rid of the fear, he felt like he was the fear itself. Any words that Baekhyun said did not reach his heart. He couldn't stop the fear of losing, because he was never used to having something, someone in the first place.

That fear was the reason everything turned out this way. It was the reason why Chanyeol was now walking into their shared apartment with Baekhyun trailing behind him silently, instead of them holding hands and smiling. But the memory of that guy holding onto Baekhyun, flirting with him, still burned Chanyeol's heart everytime he thought of it. It was jealousy, but instead of feeling angry, Chanyeol couldn't help but feel sad. If only he had the confidence everyone else had, the confidence Baekhyun had, so that any random guys approaching Baekhyun wouldn't scare him like that. That he could get angry at them and for once have a wish to beat someone up. He wanted he could blame other people, too.

But he couldn't love himself enough to not feel like he always only deserves to lose.

He walked into the living room, taking off his coat mindlessly and turning to look at Baekhyun. Baekhyun looked up at him worriedly, his red hair dark stuck together in wet strands because of the snow. Even like this, even when his hair were a mess and his tight suit was hidden under the thick winter jacket, even like this Byun Baekhyun was still the most beautiful human being Chanyeol had ever seen. He wanted to hug him, hold him close and will all his worries away instead of being swallowed by them. He wished he could.

"Chanyeol..." the smaller murmured again.

Chanyeol breathed in, trying to gather all of his courage, and took a step forward to help Baekhyun out of his jacket. Baekhyun didn't express objection in any way, ping the zipper himself, and letting the piece of clothing fall into Chanyeol's hands. 

"I'll go hang up our coats, and you go put something warm on," Chanyeol told him, voice quiet and soft. Careful.

Baekhyun looked up at him, his eyes full of fear. Was he worried about what Chanyeol would say? Was he scared that Chanyeol was angry? In the end he nodded, and walked away to put something on. Chanyeol came back to the living room to find Baekhyun sitting there, with his red hair tousled and his own red hoodie covering the smaller male's slender frame. Him choosing to wear his clothes warmed Chanyeol's heart a little. Baekhyun had also clearly tried to wipe off the makeup in haste, but Chanyeol could still see dimmed black lines around his eyes, and the redness underneath his eyelashes. 

"I'm sorry," Baekhyun blurted out instantly as soon as he saw him. "Chanyeol, I'm so sorry. T-This is all my fault."

A tear rolled down Baekhyun's cheek, and Chanyeol took a step forward, wanting to embrace him, but stopped himself at the last moment. He bent his knees and crouched in front of the smaller male instead, reaching out with one hand to touch Baekhyun's cheek. As the smaller looked into his worried eyes, his own red rimmed and full of tears, Chanyeol gently wiped the tear away.

"I'm the one who should be sorry," he told him, pulling his hand away and hesitantly placing it onto Baekhyun's knee. "I didn't think I'd ever let myself behave like this in front of you. I'm sorry, Baekhyun." 

Baekhyun shook his head, tears still b at the corners of his eyes and falling down his cheeks.

"I-I shouldn't have... s-said things like this to you... I shouldn't have gotten mad. I would've been mad too if you suddenly decided to go to some party with Jongin without telling me... I wouldn't have wanted you to go either. But when we talked, I was speaking out of anger, out of irritation, and you got mad and I just didn't know what to do... I got mad too..."

"I know," Chanyeol let his fingers gently pet Baekhyun's hair. "I know, I was wrong. I was speaking out of anger and jealousy, and not thinking straight. I'm sorry, Baekhyun. I didn't want you to go because I don't feel safe when you're not here with me. I don't feel safe when you're out there, being your charming, perfect self, attracting people's attention, people whom I don't know. I'm so scared of losing you to someone else, I'm scared of you getting hurt, I just feel like the whole world is against me when you're away from me. I know that you're going to be angry again at me for thinking like that, but Baekhyun, you're not aware how much you mean to me. How much I love you. How scary it is to think that you're going to leave one day, and I won't be able to do a thing to stop you."

"Chanyeol," Baekhyun reached out and touched his lips, clearly wishing to stop any more words from coming out.

"I should have told you me and Jongin were invited to that party already. I just didn't want either of us to go. I wanted to simply be with you, instead of being surrounded by dozens of strangers and watch all those people look at you with those looks in their eyes."

"What looks?" Baekhyun asked, more whispered. His eyes never left Chanyeol's, and he was thankful that there wasn't any irritation in them as there usually was when he talked about how insecure he was about himself. He was glad Baekhyun listened this time, instead of denying and arguing with him.

"The looks that say how much better they could be for you, and I have nothing to say back at them. I lack so much, Baekhyun..." Chanyeol's voice broke a little as he desperately tried to keep himself from crying. "I still can't comprehend why you chose me, but still, I want to keep you for as long as I can, and love you. I-I just need you so much, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun's eyes were concerned and sad, but still so beautiful. After he said what he had to say, Chanyeol just looked at them. 

After minutes and minutes of silence and Baekhyun looking down to his fingers instead of him, Chanyeol decided to move his hand away from Baekhyun's knee, wanting to give him space. But before he could move further, Baekhyun grasped onto his hand tightly.

"Park Chanyeol," he said in an warning tone. Knowing that was his best bet, Chanyeol froze in his spot.

Baekhyun finally looked into his eyes, and sighed.

"You're not going anywhere. You're staying here and obediently listening to what I have to say, and then you're spending the rest of the evening making this ty day better with kisses. Do you understand?"

Chanyeol just nodded, eyes wide. 

"Yes, not telling me about those invitations was wrong. That would've actually stopped this whole thing from happening. We could have at least met up in the actual party and spend the whole night together, if Kyungsoo didn't want to meet with Jongin that bad. Which reminds me - did he take Kyungsoo home?"

"When I stood up to follow you, he went to Kyungsoo. I believe he took him home after that."

"Good. Anyways, I do understand you. It happens to me too. I'm always jealous of other people doing as much as glancing at you, even more so because you don't realize the effect you have on people, Yeol. Half of my so called celebrity friends all drooled over you after meeting you in the backstage. And it's not only them. People see your beauty, your kindness and they gravitate towards you. If you weren't so shy and blind of your own perfection, you would see it. You would see that you're just as sought after as you think I am. If not more.

"And also, I don't want you to be afraid when you're with me, Chanyeol. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to imagine scenarios and freak out over them instead of focusing on just being with me and being happy. It's kind of a silly comparison, but you know when people have things they cherish, and only spend time making sure nothing happens to them? That nobody steals them? They spend more time fearing to lose than being happy to have. Which is what I don't want for you nor for me, which is why I just try not to think about it when that fear comes. So be a good boy, and try to do the same.

"And lastly, I don't want you to forget that I need you just as much, if not more. I'm not leaving you, Park Chanyeol," he smiled with that playful smile of his, yet his eyes were so tired.

Chanyeol nodded, reaching out his hand to touch Baekhyun's cheek. Somehow his words finally reached him. Soothed him.

"I think we should shower and go to bed," he murmured, worried. "You're tired, and it's been a long day."

Baekhyun shook his head.

"Unless I get a promise you're not going to work tomorrow. I want to spend time with you."

The corners of Chanyeol's lips curled upwards.

"I won't then," he promised. "Now go take a shower first, Baek. I'll wait."

Baekhyun stood up, hesitant to let go of Chanyeol's hand. When Chanyeol gave him an encouraging smile, he did, but as he was about to leave the living room a wild idea occurred to him. He turned around, putting his hand on his hip, and grinned at Chanyeol playfully.

"Shower together?"

He loved how how the tips of Chanyeol's ears still flushed red everytime. 

***

If there was one thing Jongin was sure about, it was that he loved Kyungsoo. Very much so.

No matter what awful things he had to go through, he never stopped loving him. When Kyungsoo disappeared, when he came back and pushed him away, even when he didn't believe him and hated him, Jongin went through it all with a firm belief that Kyungsoo loves him too. That he's just too afraid of getting hurt, and that's why he tends to keep his distance and hide his true feelings. He never doubted that deep down, Kyungsoo always loved him as much as he did, if not more. After all, it had to take a lot of love and trust for him to get back with Jongin, after everything that he went through, everything that Jongin failed to protect him from. 

But thinking that Kyungsoo doesn't love him was the scariest thing in the world for Jongin. Even after alll this time they spent together, he still couldn't get rid of all the fear he had of losing his lover again. Not having Kyungsoo by his side for five years had scarred him bad, giving him anxiety and l