And finally the day arrived. I had washed back and forth about whether I wanted the guys to come with me to the airport or not, but in the end it wasn’t my decision anyway. They would have showed up anyway. It was extremely early in the morning in the middle of the week so the international terminal of the Seoul airport would be relatively empty. The drive was completely silent. Hakyeon had allowed me to sit in the passenger seat, and I looked wistfully out the window as the skyline whizzed by under the pale grey dawn. I did everything I could to distract myself from what was happening because every time I even got close to thinking about leaving VIXX behind, my chest clenched so hard it was physically painful. I wasn’t the weepy type of girl, but I felt the uncomfortable pressure of tears build behind my eyes.

Ken parked the van in the visitor lot, and we walked silently together to the ticketing gate, Hyuk dragging my luggage behind him. They lagged behind as I checked in, the eerie quiet of the huge airport making the space seem even larger. They had received permission to accompany me past security, so we strolled down the long walkway towards my gate, the only sign of human life being scattered sleeping bodies of those unfortunate enough to suffer through an overnight layover. We had arrived with plenty of time before my flight. It had not been discussed, but I knew we understood it was so we had time to say goodbye.

We reached my gate, and I set my backpack on one of the standard bench seats before turning around to find all of them standing in a line. It was reminiscent of the very first time I had laid my eyes on them so long ago. They all had expressions of varying degrees of grief. Hakyeon smiled as he always had, but his tan cheeks were already stained with tears. He stepped forward first, and I ran into his arms, catching him in a tight hug. As soon as his arms were around me, I felt his chest shudder in heavy sobs. I clutched at his jacket, trying my best to hold back my own sobs. We didn’t speak. We simply stood, supporting each other as he cried in my arms. Tears began to fall, being instantly absorbed into his collar, but I swallowed the urge to cry out. Hakyeon was barely able to stand up straight, and if I had given in, we would have crumpled to the floor in a heap. His arms pulled me tighter still, causing my silence to break as I let out half a laugh and half a sob, “Hakyeon,” I managed to squeak quietly, my voice cracking, “you’re going to break my ribs.”

He shook his head, resting it on my shoulder, “Halley,” he choked. He clearly wanted to say more, but even though he had calmed down significantly, he couldn’t formulate anything else. Instead, he pulled away, gripping my shoulders as he looked at me, his eyes red from the tears. He managed a shaky smile, still brilliant and perfect despite his sad face. I gave my shoulders one little shake and whispered, “Be safe, sister. I love you.”

I managed a small smile myself, “I’ll miss you, Leader-N,” I murmured back. He struggled to keep his smile, but gave one nod before letting me go, turning and walking back to the line, straight into Ravi’s waiting arms. I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as Hongbin timidly stepped forward when the rest of them seemed reluctant. I took the opportunity to quickly wipe my eyes, smiling up at him once he reached me. “Bean,” I greeted warmly, extending my arms to him.

“Mira,” he breathed as he pulled me into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything,” he spoke evenly, his voice dropping low as he resisted becoming emotional like this weeping leader. He pulled away quickly, giving me a little smile, his dimples barely visible. Only his large shining eyes betrayed any trace of sadness.

His calmness was comforting, and I was able to compose myself a little bit better, “Never give up, Hongbin,” I said sternly, reaching out to lay my hand on his chest. “You’re so talented,” I sighed, “don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Thank you, Halley,” he whispered, pulling me forward to give me a firm kiss on my forehead. “Don’t forget us,” he murmured against my skin.

When he pulled away, his eyes began to shimmer just slightly. “Never,” I assured him, letting him get back to his place in line, where he fell right into N’s open arms. Ken stepped up to me happily, his face not betraying a hint of negative emotion. I laughed once, “Is Jaehwan not sad I’m leaving?” I asked incredulous.

His bright smile never faltered, “I’m devastated, Professor.” He lifted a hand, reaching to gently cup one of my cheeks as he stepped closer. “I don’t know what we’re going to do without you,” he stated simply, his smile finally fading a little, his full lips pressed together as he thought hard about something. “It’ll be hard to sing without you there to tell me what I did wrong,” his voice was serious, but his eyes retained their ever-present light of mischief, with an added sheen of emotion.

“Oh Ken,” I sighed sadly, “You’re incredible.” I knew he was kidding, but I needed to stress it one last time. “If you ever learn English, you would make it in the Western market.”

He grinned again, “Mira, we’re supposed to be having a heartfelt farewell, not a business proposition,” he teased, pinching my cheek.

“Since when have you done what’s expected of you?” I asked him, finally reaching to clutch his hoodie, pulling him into a hug. “I love you Jaehwan,” I breathed into his chest once he embraced me back.

I felt his chest rumble in laughter, “Wow Mira, I’m sorry, but I’m not really emotionally available right now.”

I laughed, pounding a fist into his chest as he squeezed me closer, “You know what I mean, you little twerp.” If VIXX and I were a family, Ken would have been like my twin brother, age difference be damned.

“I know,” his voice softened, “I love you, too, Halley.” Letting me go, he gave me a little salute before taking the still-weeping N off of Hongbin’s hands. It left Hyuk, Ravi, and Leo left in their little line, all three of them managing to stand relatively still. It was Hyuk who finally broke, approaching me in just a few long strides before picking me up off the ground in a giant hug.

“Halley,” his voice, unlike Hongbin and Ken, was absolutely full of emotion. He squeezed me before letting my feet rest back on the ground. Even still, he didn’t let me go. “I love you so much, Halley,” he let out a short, gentle sob.

His sincerity broke me, and my next breath was shaky, “I love you, too, Hyukkie.” Hyuk rocked me in his arms gently. “Keep an eye on your big brothers for me, okay?” I asked emphatically, but quietly, as I buried my face in his shoulder.

“Of course,” he replied quickly. “We’ll see you again.” It wasn’t a question, but an assertion. Honestly, it made me sob again. It wasn’t a promise I could honestly make, so I just buried myself in his embrace further. “We will see you again,” he whispered again into my hair one more time before he let me go.

When Hyuk rejoined the rest of the boys, there was a tense moment when just Ravi and Leo remained. They both took a step, but Ravi held out a hand, stopping Leo. He strode toward me, his little crooked half smile creeping up on his face. “I’ll let him go last so the rest of us can walk away while he hugs you,” Ravi whispered to me, leaning in towards my ear. He made no move to embrace me, which I was both surprising and disappointing. His hands were even in his pockets.

I didn’t know what to say to him. We simply looked at each other quietly. Quiet tears ran down both of our faces. There had been so much between us. He had been the first one to really talk to me. He had helped me get to know the rest of the boys. He had written the lyrics with me. I fell for him, and he turned me down. But even still he became one of the best friends that I had ever had- or will ever have. “Please, Wonsik,” I finally broke down, reaching out for him.

He sighed heavily, instantly stepping forward to sweep me into a tight hug, “Mira,” he crooned, though his voice wavered. We were quiet for a long, heavy minute, my crying no longer under control as he held me. “I love you,” he managed to choke out before he began to sob along with me. When I had exchanged the phrase with everyone else, it was very clear it was in a family friendly sort of way. But when Ravi told me he loved me, it was heartbreakingly ambiguous.

“I love you, too,” I replied, pulling him tighter to me. As much as my initial feelings for him had long subsided, it still was overwhelming to remember. So for just that moment, the two of us sobbed rather loudly in each other’s embrace. At long last he pulled away, his light eyeliner smeared under his eyes. He leaned forward and game me a soft, lingering kiss on the cheek before turning and very quickly running back to the line. This time, though, it was N who was there to comfort him, and not the other way around. The rest of them had grown emotional just watching us. As Ravi had promised, he herded the rest of them away, turning their backs on the last man standing.

I finally made eye contact with Leo, who had been typically doing his very best to avoid looking at me, but now he was staring at me. He was still for a long time, not even acknowledging the emotional mass of his brethren at his side. Slowly, he took one step, then two, and finally approached me. “Taekwoon,” I started, but he didn’t let me continue.

He shook his head, “Don’t,” was all he said, his voice even and quiet. Taking one more step, he s his arms around me, pulling me to him. He placed a hand on the back of my head, the other resting lightly around my waist. I simply held him around his middle, relaxing into his arms. It was interesting, how each of them hugged me slightly differently. N held me as if I were going to turn to smoke if he let go. Hongbin hugged me very directly, simply, much like Hongbin himself. Ken had teased me in the most loving and friendly way possible, all while holding me close. Hyuk had clung to me like the child he still was at heart. Ravi and I had hugged each other with equal desperation- of true friends resisting separation. But now here I was in Leo’s arms. Neither of us were sobbing or crying, we were just there in each other’s arms. I felt every point of contact between us, committing his embrace to my memory as best as I could. He was wearing that favorite black sweater of his- the one with the little holes for his thumbs. This close I could see its loose knit, another simple black shirt exposed beneath it. I felt his strong but gentle arms hold me confidently. That had been a big step for him. Leo had come a long way, and not just with me. Through my time with them, I had slowly watched Leo relax and open up to not just me, but the other members of VIXX. The thought comforted me.

Just as with Ravi, I had developed a crush on this man, too. But it wasn’t like my little affair with Ravi at all. I had been instantly attracted to Ravi in every way- he was physically attractive to me, his personality was attractive, and his talent was attractive. My feelings for Leo showed up suddenly and violently. And unlike with Ravi, I was not able to shake them off. Each time I tried to get away from Leo, he somehow pulled me even deeper. I was convinced that I was in love with him. But also unlike Ravi, he gave no convincing indications of returning my feelings. At least not enough to overcome my recently renewed fear of rejection. And thus I had suffered in silence on my own.

All of this ran through my mind as Leo and I stood perfectly still together. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking, or how he was feeling. But as was the Leo way, he betrayed nothing. I had no idea how much time had passed when Leo finally pulled away from me. His face was still in its default state, but very light evidence of tears could be seen right under his eyes. His lips finally twitched down into a little frown. I simply looked up at him, at a loss of what to do. Yet another tear rolled down my cheek, and he reached out to brush it away for me with his thumb. I closed my eyes, relishing this last bit of contact. When I opened my eyes again, he had already taken a large step back. His face looked as if he wanted to speak, but he decided against it, turning very suddenly and walking away.

And that was it. The line of six young men was gone, and I was watching Leo’s tall figure disappear into the dimly lit halls of the terminal. I collapsed into the nearest chair, clutching my backpack to my chest. I wept, sitting there alone. I knew I would feel sad, but the sense of loss was overwhelming. I buried my face in my hands and groaned loudly, thankful that no other conscious person was around to witness this mess of a human I had become.

“Halley!” a loud, low voice called out, and my head snapped up. I stood, my backpack falling to the floor. It was Ravi, clutching his black beanie to his head as he ran down the hall. He skidded to a halt right in front of me.

“Ravi?”

He didn’t let me continue, “Takewoon didn’t say anything to you?”

I found his suddenness confusing, especially considering everything that just happened. I didn't even have the mind to get emotional again, “He didn’t say anything,” I confirmed, wiping my face again, “He didn’t let me say anything either.”

Ravi pounded his fist on the back of my chair, “!” he hissed before looking at me, “Mira, I made a promise to you a long time ago.” I had no idea what he was going on about, but luckily he continued, “I told you I would explain why I turned you down that night.”

“Ravi,” I shook my head, “It’s okay, I understand,” I didn’t want him to apologize for that again.

He reached out, gripping my shoulders firmly, forcing me to look at him, “No you don’t,” he insisted. “I wanted nothing more than to kiss you that night.”

“What?” I was honestly taken aback by what he was saying, “Why didn’t you?” my voice began to grow angry as I started to process his words, emotions rushing back to me.

“Because of Leo!” he cried out in desperation, his head dropping for a minute.

I was still confused, “I mean, I know you would want his approval for something-“

He cut me off, “I wouldn’t give a if he disapproved.” Ravi sighed heavily, “Do you remember when you thanked me for inviting you to Korea?” It had been a very long time ago by that point, but I recalled the conversation, so I nodded.  “I lied,” he stressed sadly, “it wasn’t me.”

It was like my whole world had shattered. “What?” I asked stupidly. It had made so much sense, and just about everyone else denied it.

“It was Leo,” he said sadly, “Leo is the one who asked for you.”

I started at him dumbly, “But,” I started, “he was so angry,” I trailed off.

“He was so disappointed when you first got here. He had built up this fantasy in his mind where you’d show up, find us all to be fantastic, and agree to work with us right away,” he explained, and my mind went back to that first day. “When you criticized us, the pedestal he put you on shattered a little bit.” He sighed, looking away from me, his hands dropping from my shoulders, “When you performed that Muse song for me, I wanted that to be just the two of us. I took a liking to you immediately, but I knew that Leo would be devastated if I made a move on his idol. I invited him to come watch, too, but he brought the whole gang because he’s so uncomfortable with like this,” Ravi kept explaining, as if this was something he had been holding in his heart for too long. My mind went back to that first session I had with Leo when we sang together. I had forced him to touch me, and we had ended up practically embracing each other as we sang. His strong emotional reaction to that suddenly made much more sense. And every time I mentioned Ian Eastwood, he was so interested. It wasn’t because he wanted to work with the guy or didn’t like him, it was because he had been jealous. He had been jealous of Taemin, Kyuhyun, and GD. Not because they were acting inappropriately, but because they were close and comfortable with me. I couldn’t believe I had been so dense. My thoughts were interrupted when Ravi continued, “He could see that you had feelings for me,” Ravi continued, “and he knew I returned them.”

“He stopped you?” I asked, surprised at myself for finding my voice.

“No,” Ravi admitted, “I stopped me. As much as I loved you, I couldn’t do that to him,” his voice fell, and his face twisted at the painful memory. “And I knew that if he grew the balls to approach you, you could be happy with him.”

Something triggered in my brain, and I grew furious, “But it could have been you!” I practically shouted as I pushed him, “You were the first person I had started to love in six years!” I started to shake in anger, “When you turned me down, I was heartbroken!”

“I know,” he whispered, and I saw tears begin to form in his eyes, “I am so sorry, Halley. If I could go back, I’d…” he trailed off. We both fell silent, considering what might have been. Ravi seemed to make a decision and he brought his hands up, cradling my face. He leaned forward, placing a soft but warm kiss on my lips. My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed me. It was loving, but not in a passionate sort of way. This wasn’t a declaration, but a catharsis. A confirmation that it was over before it began. When he pulled back, he had a little sad smile on his face, telling me that it had been the same for him. We were both relieved that those feelings had passed. The kiss was so that neither of us had to wonder ‘what if’ anymore.

“Then Leo,” I spoke again, breaking the stupor that had befallen us. “This whole time?”

“He’s been in love with you since the beginning,” Ravi said simply, sighing heavily, as if a heavy burden was finally off of his chest. Memories flashed through my head like a slideshow, each one cast in a whole new light.

I shook my head violently, “But he practically rejected me,” I explained. Every time I had the opportunity to get closer to him, I took it, but he made no such gestures. Or at least I didn’t think he did. I wracked my brain for shreds of evidence. Every here and there I would remember something little or subtle that he did. I sighed. Leo hadn’t rejected me at all. I had just been blinded by my fear. I was too emotionally confused to properly process that.

Ravi watched me sadly. “I’m sorry,” he said again, “He wanted me to stay out of it.”

“Where is he?” I asked suddenly, forcefully.

“Mira,” he started.

“Where is he?” I asked, more firmly this time.

Ravi sighed, “I’m sure he’s caught up with the rest of the guys halfway down the terminal by now.”

I turned to make my way down the hallway when Ravi grabbed me by the elbow, “Mira, are you sure this is a good idea?”

“No,” I said simply, pulling my arm free.

“But your plane!” he cried after me, following close behind.

“I have time,” I asserted, when in truth I actually had no idea what time it was.

Ravi chased me as I broke into a run. He wasn’t trying to stop me anymore, he just kept up with me. Finally, the slow moving line of bodies came into view. I could see Jaehwan’s arm still slung over a slouching N’s shoulder, while Leo walked slightly separated from the rest of the pack. At the sound of our heavy footsteps, they turned. Hyuk’s face lit up in hope, but a stern shake of Ravi’s head and he shrunk back. Ravi put himself between Leo and the rest of them, allowing me to single Leo out, grabbing him roughly by the wrist. “What’s going on?” I heard N ask, but I ignored him, turning and dragging Leo behind me. I said a silent thanks to Ravi, who prevented them from following us.

We rounded a corner, finding an area temporarily abandoned due to construction. I found an open stairwell door, pulling the oddly compliant Leo in with me. As soon as the door swung shut behind us, I whirled on him, my fountain of emotions overwhelmed by anger. I grabbed him by that stupid sweater jacket thing and pushed him against the wall. “Halley?” he questioned, clearly confused and alarmed by my actions.

“Ravi told me everything,” I practically growled. I saw his face flicker through a wide range of emotions before settling on fear. I had become fluent in the subtle language of Leo-faces. When he didn’t respond, I pushed him again, “Taekwoon!” I yelled, “Why didn’t say anything?” my anger suddenly melted away, leaving only sadness, my voice shifting from a growl to a meager squeak.

His fear disappeared, and his stubborn face made an appearance, “What does it matter?” he asked, his voice quiet, but clearly agitated now.

“What does it matter?” I repeated incredulously, “You,” I stopped, the words sticking in my throat. Now that I had him here alone, I wasn’t sure exactly how to express myself. I snapped, reaching up and slapping him across the face. “Wonsik rejected me because of you!” I practically screamed, my voice cracking from despair.

He kept his face to the side, clearly shocked by my sudden aggression. I saw his eyes close, “I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t ask him to do that,” he spoke evenly, finally looking at me again.

I was enraged by his passive acceptance, “Then why didn’t you…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, my voice hitching again. I let him go to cover my face as I let out a long shuttered breath, “I got over that, and I tried getting close to you.”

“I know,” he said again, “I know you did,” his voice was weak and quiet, threatening to crack but this time he couldn’t hold my gaze. “What does it matter? You’re leaving now.”

I pounded my fists against his chest again, but he caught my wrists in his hands, steadying me. I looked up into his shining eyes, “Don’t give me that, Taekwoon,” I challenged, “We could have... We would have made it work; don’t give me that excuse,” anger threatened to bubble over again.

“Fine,” he seemed to finally snap, “I was scared, alright?” he admitted plainly. When I couldn’t respond fast enough, he kept going, “I was scared you would still love Wonsik. I was scared you would turn me down. I was scared because I don’t know how to do,” he trailed off, gesturing vaguely at the space between us, “any of this.”

I softened slightly, looking up at his troubled face. His eyes had started to show some redness from unshed tears of his own. His still deep red hair was slightly unkempt, but shined in the dim light of the stairwell. And then I saw his tongue briefly his bottom lip before his wide white teeth bit down on it. I knew it was his nervous habit. I had seen him do that exact thing probably thousands of times now. This time, though, perhaps it would be the last. I reached up, placing my hands against his shoulders, standing on my toes. We made eye contact for a brief moment, and I saw his lips part as if he were about to speak.

I didn’t let him, opting instead to lean in, pressing my lips to his as my eyes closed. I felt his hands quickly land on my hips, and for a brief moment I feared he was going to push me away. His hesitation finally melted away, and his arms s around my back, pulling me closer, his lips finally responding to the kiss.

Ravi had kissed me just earlier, and the stark contrast between that kiss and this one confirmed my feelings. My arms went up over Leo’s shoulders and around his neck. I buried one of my hands in his hair as he leaned into the kiss even more. I felt an inexplicable warmth all over, and I could feel my pulse in my skin. The need to breathe caused me to break the kiss. I was pulling away, preparing to speak again when his hand moved up to cup my cheek, and he pulled me back to him, kissing me once again, though it was far more gentle, and lasted for just a brief moment. When we parted again, neither of us moved, our warm breath mingling in the quiet before I needed to rock back onto my heels.

We simply looked at each other then, both of us breathing just a little heavier than before. I was relieved that he didn’t immediately run for cover out of embarrassment, his hands still lingering where they had been holding me. Finally, he let me go, and I, too, let my hands fall away from him. A tiny twitch of a smile tugged at his lips, but quickly disappeared. My heart had felt complete in his arms, but reality came back to shatter it. He watched as another tear ran down my cheek, and he reached to wipe it away. I intercepted his hand this time, holding him by the wrist as I kept eye contact. This could go no further. “Goodbye, Leo.”

The muscles of his jaws twitched as he clenched them. At the end of the day, that kiss was just a painful look into what things could have been. But it was too late. Suddenly, he shifted, pulling off his favorite black sweater. He draped it over my shoulder before pulling me in for a short hug, whispering almost inaudibly, “Goodbye Mira.” It took every ounce of energy I had left to pull away from him, pushing through the door and walking away, not daring to look back.

I boarded the nearly empty plane, my face hardened as I sat with my bag in my lap. I had shoved Leo’s sweater into my bag, unable to look at it. Like a floodgate, my emotions were all over the place. I needed a way to come to terms with them. And just like that, I understood lyricists. Quickly, I pulled out a pad of paper. There was something stuck to it. A thin piece of yellow fabric that I had tossed aside all those months ago. The yellow armband. I sighed angrily before tucking it back in the bag. Stupid emotionally charged bits of fabric seemed to be haunting me. Remembering my intent for the paper in my lap, I sent a quick text to none other than G-Dragon before takeoff, ‘You need a ballad, right?’

‘Nice to hear from you, too! That would be nice. Got ideas?’

‘I’ll be in touch soon,’ was all I sent before the flight attendant gave me the evil eye. I turned the device off as we started to pull away from the gate, glancing out the window once at the city’s skyline as we began to take off. I looked down at my pad of paper, words already spilling out as if they were self-propagating. I had a melody in my head already, and by the time I landed in Los Angeles, I had a complete song composed and written, ready to go. I titled it ‘If You’. I read the lyrics one more time, the lyrical expression of my heartbreak. It was simple- nothing like what Ravi could write, but put to the melody in my mind, it was just a moving. With a sigh, I made a note to record the demo as soon as possible so I could get it sent off to GD. Maybe he would like it, and BigBang perform it. And just maybe Leo- and all of VIXX- would hear it and know it was for them.

Getting back into my routine in America was painful. It was incredibly lonely. GD had, in fact, loved my song, and he kept everything exactly as I had written, only reversing the intende gednder pronouns, of course. He said I could expect to see him before next summer. Ironically, GD wanted me to give TOP ‘the Hongbin treatment’ and get him to sing properly. I didn’t dare tell GD that it had been TOP that had inspired Hongbin to begin with. Other than GD, I heard from Taemin on a regular basis. Just as VIXX had, Taemin had become family. But on the topic of VIXX, I just couldn’t reach out to them. Not yet. I needed some time away in order to properly grieve our separation.

It helped that my management decided to launch me on tour nearly immediately in order to celebrate my successful return from Korea (and to remind fickle American music fans that I existed). The busy road life helped to distract me from my intense sense of loneliness. Performing honestly was the perfect escape. I was traveling the country over a span of several months, and I had time for nothing else, especially no time to suffer from my separation from my best friends and brothers, and from Leo.

I was back in LA for a few days before setting out again in order to take care of some clerical issues I had run into. It took a lot of self-control to resist checking Korean entertainment news. I wanted to check out some of the performances that I had seen preparations for. I wanted to check and see how everyone was doing. But I knew that would just be a dead end that would leave me feeling sad and alone. One afternoon, I was in the office doing some paperwork when I got a knock on my door. An unfamiliar secretary stuck her head in through the door. “I’m sorry to bother you Miss Browne, but you have a visitor from South Korea.”

A grin started to spread across the face. “No way,” I said quietly to myself as I quickly put my busywork away. “Please, let them in,” I urged, and the secretary nodded before disappearing. I stood, waiting for the door to open. And finally, after a long and agonizing silence, it did.