Realization

Yuri’s little sister wasn’t part of the main class bullies crew; three or four girls who’d claim head-power over the classroom and its politics, deciding who would be accepted and who would be the class target. It was really hard getting around those types of people, who had so much money and whose parents were feared and held unto high authority over the teachers, other kids’ parents and even the middle school principal.

Yuri’s little sister was a bystander, which cause just as much damage. She was the only other girl with rich parents and possible power that wasn’t included in the bullies’ squad, she could have done something to stop the bullying, she had the parents and the authority to do so that none of the other kids had, that I didn’t have either.

It’s wrong to blame her, because I myself might even be considered a bystander like her, to what happened to Jin, but if she at least would have cared, she could have prevented Jin’s last straw to suicide. I held unto Jin as much as I could, each day feeling like its last with her, trusting her reassuring words that she would resolve it, that the teachers were already dealing with the problem. Most likely, she had been lying to me, and deep down I knew at the time but there wasn’t a thing I could do without upsetting her. If Yuri’s little sister would have at least shown Jin that she was not alone, that someone in that hell of a classroom cared at all if Jin died, maybe Jin would still be here with me today.

I skip my next period to head to the nurse’s office for a change of shirt. The nurse gives me a skeptical smile before she hands me a large yellow T-shirt that doesn’t match my pants at all, but it will have to do.

How will I explained my strawberry drink stained shirt to my mom? Or its strong smell? I’ll have to skim past her hug and kiss at the door straight up the stairs to my room. Most likely, Dad will give me a disapproving look over dinner, mixed with hurt in his eyes, for avoiding both of them. Ever since Jin’s passing, they’ve been trying to keep me so close so that nothing will repeat itself; skeptical meetings with friends, attentive parent-teacher conferences, needing to know my day-to-day schedule, everything I’m up to; the parents they couldn’t be for Jin. Every thought of Jin reminds them of how clueless they’d been to her hurting, how secretive she had been about her pain and how they never made an effort to reach out to her, ‘Our two girls can handle it together’ they’d thought; and now they realize how so, very wrong they’d both been, and it scares them when they see me.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket.

2^nd floor restroom. Now.

It’s from Mitsuki. There’s no cute cat emoticons, or three too many exclamation marks at the end of her sentences, or even text abbreviated words. And it’s so awkward because it doesn’t seem like Mitsuki and I know it must have been weird for her to type too.

Ok

I text back glumly.

► ► ►

“So,” Mitsuki climbs onto the countertop where the sinks are, dangling her legs under as I scroll through Zelo’s Instagram to like the five new pictures of him and Mitsuki, at their first date at the amusement park, another of them making silly faces on Zelo’s couch, the most recent one of Mitsuki’s hand over Zelo’s on his B.A.P keyboard. I don’t know how they became a thing, it happened over one night I’d left them alone, and they had a sort of heart-to-heart on Mitsuki’s front steps, and the next day they were as normally cuddly and giggly as ever, but the air was warmer and their touches seemed purposeful. Usually, I would think Mitsuki would have not stopped shutting up about getting together with Zelo, but she was unusually and pleasantly quiet, so I knew she wanted to keep it to herself. They only revealed a brief version of that night after Himchan’s coaxing.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Mitsuki asked as softly as her naturally loud voice could manage, she was looking straight ahead as I stared at the back of her head from the mirror.

I lock my phone and lean against the counter to stare at the stalls that Mitsuki is also facing. “Not really…”

She nods, she’d already guessed that much. “Are you…” She stops to think, like she wants to say so much more than what’s to come out of . “Are you okay?”

I linger for a few seconds, taking in the question. Am I okay? Finally, I nod. And I realize that I am okay.

“If Yuri weren’t such a , maybe I’d try to understand what her problem is.” Mitsuki mutters bitterly. “But she’s such a pain, I wouldn’t want to know.”

I laugh a little with her, bitterly.

Once we’re quiet again, I start to think about everything again. Daehyun’s difficultness, Yuri’s harsh words that haven’t fazed me, the things I’ve said that’ve struck even me. The walls I’ve built have crumbled, I can’t rely on my friends so much anymore, they’ve picked me up from the ground and have helped me in any way they could, and often times, they’ve done more than I could ever know how to repay them. It’s time I’d become my own person, and not a burden to my friends, or to myself.

“You’re brave, Lim.” I hear Mitsuki say beside me, I can feel her big eyes watching me now. “Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time. You’re more amazing than you give yourself credit for.” I turn to look at her, and I truly believe her as she flashes me a reassuring smile. “And you know how I don’t like being serious too much, so you’ve gotta believe me right now. It’s the honest truth.”

Her smile doesn’t falter, but her eyes grow hard, trying to catch mine in their gaze. I look into my best friend’s eyes and I see sincerity, and almost a little bit of hurt at the thought of me not believing her. And at that, I almost feel my eyes water, like Mitsuki’s are looking like they’re fated for as well. But we don’t cry. We’re not the sappy kind of friends, although we do have or moments like right now; we’re the silly kind of friends. And silly kind of friends can really, truly, get through anything.

My heart still pangs with remorse, because I know that this kind of reassurance, Jin could never get out of anyone. That’s when I hold Mitsuki closer when she jumps off the counter to give me a comforting hug. To have a friend like this, like Jin never had, I had to hold on tight while all in all, be prepared to fly on my own whenever the time called.

► ► ►

The guys wanted Mitsuki and me to check out their practice for the talent show after hiding it from us for a week while they planned everything out. There were exactly three weeks left until the talent show, which meant five more weeks of school left. And four more until my article would be released. I was nearly done, wisely choosing Youngjae as my editor so no one else would get a clue of its contents.

Mitsuki had set two backyard lounge chairs in front of the opened garage door. She even prepared neon B.A.P posters to wave in the air as they played, like a fan would at a real concert. Mitsuki was all dressed for summer even if it was still technically spring, in her tank top, shorts, sun hat and shades. Himchan gushed over to her in his loose summer shorts and white polo combo, combined with sandals and matching Mitsuki with his own dark sunglasses. Yongguk rolled his eyes as Himchan blabbed on about how Mitsuki had such great thinking bringing summer in early like he had also thought of. Himchan’s milky skin glowed in the afternoon sun, almost as bright as the smile on his bow lips as he talked a storm away, and probably as bright as his eyes were behind the shades.

Jongup had grown less bitter about the revealing of their secret via my article, and had in the process become more relaxed whenever Mitsuki and I would stop by. He dissolved into his usual self, dropping down on the ground to do push-ups at random times, carrying weights in his backpack and flexing his arm muscles for Himchan’s viewing pleasure, and inserting weird wonderings into off-topic conversations. He was cute and interesting when he wasn’t stressing out about his image. And funny, when he would get stuck in his own world and completely ignore Youngjae’s pleas at answers for this or that.

Himchan needed help unloading his new B.A.P customized drum set from his car, dragging Mitsuki to help him out, also ordering Youngjae and Jongup for muscle. Zelo pouted and tried to reach for Mitsuki’s free hand to prevent her from going, but Himchan had a tight grip on her, so Zelo rushed behind them.

I nudged Yongguk to follow after them, motioning towards Himchan’s sandals flapping on the grass and potential rocks. Yongguk nodded at the possibilities of that, knowing how clumsy Himchan can be. Clueless, as Yongguk would bitterly mutter.

I pat his arm, giving him a teasing smile. He looks back at me confused, but he knows I’m teasing him about the thing he and Himchan have. He just doesn’t want to admit it.

As he runs along, I laugh softly to myself. Kids.  

► ► ►

I realize, as I turn back around to face the garage that I’m left alone with Daehyun.

He’s messing around with his mic, eyes downcast and his hair covering his face. He’s at the center of the garage, amongst the instruments, where the lead singer should stand, and where he’d been his whole life: at the center.

I’ve been meaning to avoid him as much as possible, and it’s not like he’s been making any efforts at talking to me either, so it all worked out.

I crossed my arms over my chest and walked over to him. I need to say something to him that will end our grudges at least. We can still be friends before we part ways but I know for sure that we can never be more. It’s friends or nothing at this point. After all that has happened.

I can’t trust myself if I will ever really forgive him. I remember Jin’s ripped up letter sitting on my desk, taped back up to the best of my ability, her handwriting even more smudged than before but still somewhat comprehendible. When did things go so downhill?

I realize I’m standing right in Daehyun’s eye sight, and he looks up. His expression is a mixture of emotions that I can’t identify separately. But he mostly looks cautious, his eyebrows furrowed with worry, and I didn’t expect this.

He clears his throat. “The letter…must have meant a lot to you, huh?” He finally manages out.

I avoid his eyes. Nodding, I add. “It’s the last thing my sister left for me.”

I know his eyes are searching my face for some sort of elaboration. But he’s wise not to push it.  

After a long silence, his voice cracks slightly. “I’m sorry…” He mumbles. His pride doesn’t allow him to explain to me what he is sorry about exactly: the letter, his harsh words, his careless actions? But I don’t think it matters anymore at this point. Soon, I will be out of his life as quickly as I had entered it, as will he be the same out of mine.

All the details are still fuzzy. Before he and I could say anything else, I hear Himchan’s rowdy voice in the distance and the murmur of the other guys, so I walk away from Daehyun and sit at the lounge chair Mitsuki had placed for me.

He doesn’t reach for me, or look at me any longer. He resumes to readjusting his mic stand, smiling to the guys as they place the parts of Himchan’s new drum set somewhere behind him. It was like we never exchanged any words.

Himchan explained to us how they were going to start by playing a fun song with added rap parts courtesy of Yongguk; an original song written and arranged by them. The next and last song they were going to play was going to be a more serious, heartfelt one, a darker tone compared to their first; a cover. They told us the last song would be a surprise for the night of the talent show, earning wide grins and excited squeals from Mitsuki and me (mostly Mitsuki).

Daehyun avoided everyone’s eyes, forming a sort of dark aura around him, and no one got too near him or talked to him much. They were wise enough to give him some space.

Mitsuki prepped herself for their first song as she hopped up and held one neon green B.A.P sign in the air and swung another neon blue poster with Zelo’s name in big letters across it. Zelo blushed from behind his keyboard, giving Mitsuki huge puppy-love eyes, Mitsuki holding their gaze with her own love-struck ones.

Everyone was waiting for Daehyun’s cue, and I almost felt his dark, desperate eyes on me but I avoided looking up at him. Soon, Himchan tapped his drum sticks rhythmically together, starting the count down.

Their first song began, Daehyun’s voice belting out. I tried my best to avoid staring up at him, but he was hard to ignore. His passionate, emotional voice melting into the afternoon sun, and his gaze that looks somewhere straight ahead, beyond my head. It struck me: he’s beautiful and he’s broken. And I realize that I may have lost my chance to bring him back to himself.

✷ ✉ ✷

main image credit: seokjinx via @ tumblr

​Author's Note: what was this??? u___u lol idk, this was just a chapter for more backup info and character development for lim ;_; sorry i took 5000+ years to update!! i've been sleeping, lazing around, not knowing what to write about and totally falling behind in my summer reading TT^TT life's tough! sorry author E for making you wait for so long! this is the 3rd to last chapter! (i think) author E will write the official last chapter and i will write the epilogue. this story is really coming to an end and it's all exciting but sad at the same time *^* it was sooooo fun to write this with my best friend! finally i have seen her finish a story and also see myself finish something for once in my life lol. i love your writing bff, and i love youu!! we tight ;-) lol anyway, the first song b.a.p will sing is bang bang (or bangx2) and the last song, well it's up to author E to decide ;-) subs and comments are much appreciated! hope you enjoyed! sorry for any mistakes, i can't catch them all otl. love ya'll! -L