I am an idiot.
    I don't go to work, but I do go out a lot, so I see lots of girls. In fact the girls throw themselves at me whenever I pass the same park twice a day, twice a week, twice a month, they're always there and they annoyingly follow me until I get to the gates that lead me to my home, in which they depart. They don't understand though, they don't understand that my heart is already stolen, and I can't get it back, not even for the most beautiful one among them, she would never compare to him.
    To Sehun.
    Sehun is beautiful and he's kind and honest and humble...after a few years, I couldn't look at him as a brother or even a best friend, he was more to me, not like he is now, now he's something much more, I want to touch him and hold him and feel his skin against mine. But of course I can't, because he doesn't feel the same way, and most probably never will. If one of the most beautiful among the girls flung herself to him, saying she would love him and take care of him, he would take the chance, no second thought about it, and I know this, but knowing this hurts just as much as seeing him in love with someone else.
    I don't want him to go, I hate myself for feeling like this, but I don't want him to leave, even if he can't return my feelings, I want him to stay by my side.
    But why, out of all the girls, had I had to turn around and look at my family, at Minseok and Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Junmyeon, Yixing, Kyungsoo and Sehun, and chose the young, innocent Sehun?
    Why does my mind never work the way I want it to?
    Why do I have to give myself such a bad reputation?
    Why does it always feel like everybody hates me?
    Why do I feel this way to Sehun?
    Why?

He looks at me with wide eyes, they're big, scared eyes, with also a small sprinkle of disgust and confusion. But I understand, I understand what he's feeling and yet I don't understand why I have just let out words that shouldn't be let out, and especially not in a situation like this.
    I had just...confessed, in a way, and Sehun didn't seem to be able to process it.
    "This isn't funny Jongin," he says, taking a step back as if I've suddenly become this monster, just because I love someone different from the average person, just because I have options he would choose, probably just because he can't handle it, because he's probably never properly fallen in love before. I may be only a year older at the moment, but I feel more, even if I am just 'the annoying young one who can't be trusted', all my hyungs are too tied up in their own little dramas to take care of each over, and me and Sehun, anymore. It feels like they're growing up too fast and no one is able to stop all the complications you run into when you start to finally grow up.
    "It's not supposed to be Sehun," I respond seriously, because it's a serious matter, but Sehun obviously doesn't think so as he starts to laugh, and stops reversing away from me. He laughs as if he's heard the funniest joke, but even I can see it's low and forced, until he collects his composure and stands up straight, explaining, "You've probably slept with as many girls as I am at age!"
    I can't believe he doesn't take me seriously, I can't believe he's just another one of my hyungs, who can't understand me and see the true me, who look over my outward happiness just to try and brighten the mood, then takes it negatively and tells me to shut up.
    He's just another one of them, of my best friend and brothers, but I know he's more, and that's what eats at me and taunts me, because I can't get that feeling inside of my stomach and my head out of my mind.
    I jump up from the side of the ride, suddenly full with energy that I never thought I had, and before Sehun can even blink, let alone protest his way out of it, I have a hold of both his pale wrists and I hold them up by the side of his face, his face, is so close to me, but I don't want to be that drunkard he saw the other night, so I ask into his slightly pissed, slightly scared face, "Can I kiss you?"
    He just blinks for a while, but it's better than laughing in my face, until his face crumples up into disgust, "So what? You can touch me again?"
    I sigh, you would think after seeing this judgmental and rude side I'd give up, but I can't, because I know this is just his defensive wall against things and problems he doesn't want in life, trying to act strong when actually he's pretty scared. I would probably be the same, even worse actually, but I know he can't see what I can see, so instead of going by it brashly I decide to go with the situation the way which would comfort me more.
    "Sehun I would never touch you without your permission, what I did was wrong, but I was drunk and...you don't understand how much I care about you, every day I look at you and I hold the feeling of wanting to hold you and kiss you...I guess I couldn't hold it any longer, and a bit of drink just did it for me," I hang my head, because it deserves to be low and not look into Sehun's beautiful eyes, "You can hate me forever, I would hate me too, I never...I would never hurt you or go against your own will, but the feeling is so strong that sometimes it makes me cry to hold back," I tense up because I can't see how he's looking at me or judging me, however I continue, "I have...slept with a girl before, don't tell Minseok hyung, but then I did it to try and see if I could get away the feeling of you because it hurt me so much to realise I can never have you, it didn't work though, I still love you..."
    I still have a grip on his wrists, and I can feel the muscles tense up as if he's hands are turning into fists, and slowly I raise my head, just to see his expression, just to see if he can even look at me anymore, the pathetic me.
    As soon as my head is raised so I can see his face slightly, I realise it's lowered, and before I can process what's happening I feel a pair of slightly dry lips against mine. Of course there's only one person it can be, and I feel myself both panic and confused. This wasn't at all he reply I was hoping, of course it's something I've dreamed for, but never in my life expected.
    I raise my head fully, my eyes still widened with shock, however his are closed as he seems to be in a world of his own, and finally as his eyelids slowly lift up to reveal sparkling eyes, I realise that it wasn't just a small gut feeling or a comfort kiss; it meant something, and that makes me feel drowned in a feeling of wanting to be held, yet wanting to hold something.
    Sehun's lips are still lightly pressed against mine, but as he pushes them against mine again, and I start to kiss back because I don't understand anything anymore. We end up standing for a good few minutes kissing until our lips, jaws and tongues are tired and pull away.
    "Why?" I finally manage to breathe out, letting go of his face I had in my grasp.
    "I was also testing...to see what you meant to me."

I'm confused; did I ever mean anything special to Sehun? He raises his hands to hold onto mine, and places them back on the spot they had been as we had embraced.
    "For a long time I thought I hated you, well not hated you, but disliked you among my other hyungs; I didn't like it when you told me you weren't a anymore and I didn't like it when you touched me and I didn't like it whenever you were 'clingy' and 'whiny' to the other hyungs, and I didn't like it when you touched me especially that night. I realise why, it was because when you told me you weren't a anymore I was upset, not angry, when you touched me it burned, when you were clingy and whiny to the other hyungs I was jealous and when you touched me that night I thought you only wanted my body, and that made me also upset. I've been confused and questioning myself for far too long now hyung," Sehun lets go of my hands and slithers his arms around my waist, pulling me in and resting his head on my shoulder, saying with a slightly muffled voice, "No one takes me as seriously as you do, and I've only just realised that, so I'll try to return it," he explains, and with my hands open in the air, I decide to wrap them around his body that is stuck to mine.
    I feel so light inside, like someone has suddenly showed the light I'd been waiting for far too long for.
    "Hyung, let's run away," I hear the mumble near my ear, but I think it's another one of those anonymous voices in my head, then the same voice speaks, clearer, and sounds more like Sehun, "Hyung..."
    He pulls himself off me and looks into my eyes, and finally it snaps into me what he had said and I stutter, feeling all my emotions starts to conjure up weird sentences, until I finally come out with, "Why?"
    Sehun sighs, looking down and finally letting go of me, making me feel like I've lost him again and I want to hold onto him forever and never let him go. But I listen to what he has to say, as he explains, "We're misplaced here, in this way of living hyung, we're either ignored, looked down at, fussed about or being scolded. They're not our real brothers, as much as I love them, we may have been born with them, but they weren't born with us, they can survive without us, and with the circumstances now, I think they'd prefer it if they had two less mouths to feed, don't you?"
    I frankly don't know what to think, first he says he hates me, then he confesses, then he says he wants to run away with me. But I can see his point, and in fact, it sounds like one of the best ideas I've heard of in a while. I've actually been thinking about it for a while, since when I was younger, because I always felt...different, from my hyungs, even if they said they loved me, I was and will be always the trouble maker, and that makes it feel like their lives would be better without me.
    The only thing that held me back was Sehun, because I couldn't bare to leave him and never see him again, but here it is, the perfect opportunity, and yet I'm hesitating, why?
    "Sehun...I'm not sure..."
    He doesn't say anything but looks down, and I feel a pang of guilt. He just wants what I wanted and still want, and yet I'm pulling it away from him. Just me and him, no Yifan, no Minseok, no Junyeon and Yixing, no Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae and Kyungsoo. 
    Just us.
    "Okay," I take in a deep breath, "We'll leave tonight."

Imma make it work sorry >.< I wrote a really good chapter, and then deleted it ;-; *pats back* By accident of course, my fingers are like jelly, which is annoying because when I write on paper my handwriting is rubbish, so all in all I love writing, but typing doesn't work and neither does handwriting T-T

Anyway, I got a bit frustrated in places (i.e spazzamed all over the place) so if there are any obvious typos I missed out, I am so sorry, and mew :3