They won't talk to me, and it's scary, I don't know why and as the oldest I feel like I need to know.
    But then, it's not as if I'm totally honest with them either. There are too many secrets now, even I know that I'm not the only one keeping one inside. Today Jongin and Sehun are acting weirdly, they whisper among themselves and if they aren't doing that then they're hiding in Sehun's room. I tried to approach them but they just said everything was fine and told me to leave.
    I thought they weren't on good terms, but apparently not.
    Tonight I need to go see Yifan again with some food, I know there's an apple that no one wants, biscuits that nobody cares about in the tin, bits of cold chicken in the fridge wrapped up in a container and a water bottle that is actually mine but it'll do. I take all the items from their place when no one is look and stuff it in a container then hide it under my bed so that I could have a clear escape tonight.    
    I help Minseok with the cleaning after dinner, and when he starts to speak, it comes to me how much of a danger I'm putting myself in.
    "Either someone is majorly snacking and doesn't want to tell anybody or we have rats that can open doors because some of the food is starting to disappear," Minseok explains, passing a plate for me to dry. I swallow up all the guilt and the secrets and I reply as if Minseok's words are news to my ears, "Really? Hm, it might be Jongin, you know what he's like," I say coolly, Minseok's heading bobbing up and down in agreement as he passes the last plate for me to dry. I dry it with the cloth and throw the occasional glance outside, it's getting dark, which means Minseok will be heading to bed soon along with everyone else.

I'm already out in the dark, food in a small bag that's mine anyway, and I remind myself to make sure Yifan gives it back when I give him the food. I wonder if he stays in the booth all day or if he goes outside when it's sunny, or maybe he goes out to the town.
    I feel like I'm secretly looking after a lost kitten let alone an actual human being. And although I've been doing this for a few nights now, I can't believe that I'm still doing this; still looking after and caring about the man who broke Yixing into pieces along with Minseok, and myself. Maybe I forgive too easy, maybe I should be hating Yifan right now? But I can't, no matter how many times I try, he's too special to me, too dug into my heart, like a thorn which won't come out.
    I come by the merry-go-round and climb up with only slight struggle since there's no stairs that lead up to the carousel like originally, and move my way towards the booth, knocking lightly on the ancient door. It takes a while for a reply so I guess that he's asleep, but finally the door open without a lock and I have to tilt my head backwards just to look into his eyes.
    They're puffy and red slightly, and it takes me a moment to realise that around the outline of his eyes are traces of crystal tears, glistening in the dark. I decide not to talk about it and pass him the food, which he takes with large hands. I remind myself to try and get him so clothes, being stuck in the same clothes all the time isn't exactly hygienic, but no one in the house (except from maybe Chanyeol) have clothes big enough for Yifan, and even then I can't actually steal clothes, food is bad enough. But then I remember he has his suitcase with him, with all his stuff, so why is he still in the same clothes all this time?
    Is he really so down that he can't even change clothes? It can't be that bad, can it?
    He takes the bag and settles down on an old chair inside the booth, wooden and looking slightly rotten. I know he has a large coat, but I feel guilty for not giving him any blankets, because I know that Minseok will notice straight away if any go missing, being the clean freak he is, always doing the bed sheets if someone doesn't tidy them properly.
    He turns back to look at me (more like look down at me) and frowns. He doesn't look healthy, he's still handsome, but the only words I can think of to describe him is...depressed.
    Really badly too.
    He's pale and he looks like he's going to crack any minute, fall to the ground hyperventilating, crying his eyes out.
    But he doesn't do such thing, just looks down at me with this really sad expression, and instead of the other way, I feel myself cracking a sob, although no tears come, it's just sad to look at.
    "Why do you do this for me?" Yifan asks, his voice is lower than usual and tired sounding, breaking slightly. It's quiet though, soft, like he's being gentle to his broken self.
    I don't know how to answer, because I know how I feel about him, I love him, I love him a lot that it hurts my heart into blisters to see him like this, however I don't know how to tell him when he's in such a state, he needs someone to properly protect him, not this random kid.
    "Because I care about you...is that bad?"
    Yifan shakes his head at my reply, shoulders slumping. I want to push on him, make him stand up straight, pull his lips so he smiles that handsome smile and straighten his messy hair. But I'm frozen because I start to wonder if maybe he's already broken, if it's too late. It's not like anyone else would give him a chance, because of what he did, either I'm stupid, naive, or just too kind for my own good, but I can't see how everyone just threw him out.
    Why is the worlds so cruel and unfair?
    "No," he murmurs after a while, continuing with sad eyes and a raspy voice, "Just...strange..."
    I don't say anything after his words, I just want to stare into his eyes, so beautiful, so sad, and I can see my reflection in them.
    I'm crying, why? I don't know, I didn't even know I had started doing such an act, but I don't go to wipe at my face, because I can't pull my eyes away. His face looks ten years older, and I want to hug him and never let him go.
    "Yifan..." My voice is hoarse but it's still there. This isn't Yifan anymore, he has no reaction to my words, just stares at me. His tears refuse to fall while mine pour out without second thought, stinging my skin. Next second and I'm reaching a hand up to his face, desiring touch, desiring his touch, because I want him to hold me and not to say 'it's okay' but to say 'I'm okay'.
    The most painful thing is I can hardly do anything about it.
    It's forbidden, that's what it is, forbidden love.
    Yifan brings a hand up to rest on mine, but he doesn't snatch it away, he holds it, his fingertips grazing over my skin as if it's fragile, not daring to hold on too tight. But I want him to, although I don't say it, I want him to squeeze my hand as much as he wants.
    I don't care if he feels the same way back now, I just want this moment to go on forever.
    "Junmyeon..."
    I'm in such a sad dream that I realise a new voice appears suddenly, guessing that it's either in my head or it's Yifan's voice distorted, but I open my eyes anyway and realise Yifan's mouth is firmly shut, thin line of pink lips clamped.
    My blood runs cold.
    Who said my name then?
    I remove my hand away quickly, regretting it and wanting Yifan's touch again, and as he opens his eyes as soon as I remove my hand I see he misses it too. But I need to see if what I heard really happened, and turn my head to the right, to indeed see a figure in the dark. My eyes adjust in a few seconds, and with my eyes widening, mouth opening and stuttering for an explanation, I process who it is completely and have mixed emotions.
     It's Yixing.

"Junmyeon...w-what are you doing?" His voice is both shocked, sad and maybe...disgusted?
    I don't know anymore, what was I doing?
    Oh yeah, that's right, touching Yifan's face.
    I wipe my face quickly to try and at least catch back some of my innocence, and move forward, words tumbling out in a big mess, "I was...Yifan...Yixing I'm sorry but-"
    "What are you d-doing with Yifan? What are y-you sorry for? W-what have you been d-doing? D-did he do some-something to you?" He sounds scared, really scared, and with the last question turns around to face Yifan. Surprisingly he doesn't look angry, his eyes just cry and plead for an answer and Yifan suddenly lights up with life, as he waves his hand to defend himself from Yixing's words, "N-no, I haven't done anything to Junmyeon...he..."
    Yixing turns his attention back to me, and I'm still not able to take in his face, looking like he's about to cry, but doesn't do so and asks, "What? W-what did you do?"
    "I..."
    It's all collapsing inside of me, and I don't know how to answer. Yifan broke Yixing, Yixing is depressed, Yifan is depressed, Yixing is concealing himself, Yifan is homeless, Junmyeon cares about Yixing, Junmyeon loves Yifan.
    Junmyeon loves Yifan.
    Junmyeon loves Yifan.
    "I love him..." I whisper, and everything grows quiet.
    I realise what I've just said and shoot my head back from my feet, looking Yixing in the eye, who finally starts crying. His lips curl back and he takes a step back, trembling from head to toe, as if he's just found too criminals. That's what I am to his eyes now, I'm just as bad as Yifan.
    Why can't I love normally?
    "Y-you...you what?" Yixing spits, rubbing at his tears away with shaky hands which have turned into fists. For some reason I turn to look at Yifan, who looks just as shocked. His eyes are wide and he's frozen, I thought he knew, or maybe he's just shocked I said it aloud, but still, maybe I was wrong, maybe he doesn't feel the same way at all and it was just me overthinking, over hoping.
    "Yixing," I turn my head back to the younger quickly and jump down from the carousel side, my ankles hurting but not as much as my heart wrenching it's way out of my chest. I run over and hold the latter, who tries to push me away but I cling to him like he's my life force, and once he starts to calm down, I run a hand through his fluffy hair, explaining, even though I'm not stable myself, "He's homeless, he has no where to go, and that...that night he was drunk, he regrets every single bit of it, and I know you can't forgive him, but I've always felt this way to him, so I can't change, I hate what he did as much as you, but...when you feel this way to someone, you try to fix them, not break them even more...please, give him a second chance, and...and please don't tell Minseok hyung," I plea, continuing to my fingers through the younger's hair and holding him tightly, whispering the words, and I don't know what Yifan is doing, but Yixing is my first priority at the moment.
    He sniffles away the tears before sighing and explains gently after a while, like a cold wind passing past my ear, "Junmyeon...he's gone..." Voice trembling.
    I don't know what he's talking about and gently unwrap him from around me to look at him in the face, trying to hold back my tears resurfacing, "What do you mean?"
    I'm trying to be the older hyung, but it isn't working, especially when Yixing raises a shaky hand and points behind me, leading me to turn around and see no Yifan on the carousel. 
    Where is he?
    I look back at Yixing who simply sighs, and then before I know it, my feet are taking me away. I jump onto the carousel, panic starting to edge towards my head as I check in the booth and see no Yifan. His bag isn't there anymore either and that's when I feel it.
    The panic, hurting and clawing at me desperately, makes me start to run.

It's raining.
    Heavily.
    But I don't care, not about anything anymore, not even about my family, I just need to know where Yifan is.
    I check all the rides, I check every single crack and corner of the abandoned area, but no Yifan.
    No, no, no, no.
    I run even faster, the rain falling hard on my head.
    I feel a foot collapse underneath me and quickly it comes to me that I've fallen over as pain strikes the back of my head and my ankle.
    All I can see is the rain pouring down from the grey sky, feeling it on my skin, on my lips.
    My whole body is numb, and in the grey clouds I can see his face; Yifan's face.
    It's happy, not depressed.
    Where did he go? Where did he disappear to?
    Why did he leave so suddenly?
    What am I doing with my life?
    For this one moment, I feel like I'm living for Yifan, and Yifan only.

    That's why I don't want to live anymore.

What happened to Yifan? o0o

Dunno, why would I know? XD

Sorry this chap is short, I just returned from London and I'm knackered, however I haven't updates this in ages, so I forced myself to stay up late XD Need to go to bed noooow~ Bye, hope you enjoy it nevertheless, don't worry, more answers about Jongin and Sehun in the next chapter ^^

Wuv you~