After slowing down his loud gasps he whispers again.

Sehun is stilled on his spot. He can’t do that. Especially now when luhan needs him the most. He cannot grant what luhan is asking of him.

“You should leave, sehun ah. I am okay. I will be okay. I promise i would not try to kill myself. I will get better but i don’t wish to drag you with me. You are a nice person and you deserve better. Better than someone like me who is maybe disable to love and appreciate someone. “

“Luhan i know you love him and whatever we had was just an illusion but i can’t leave you. At least not now. You need someone to take care of you. I am scared that if you are left alone you will fall deeper into the depression.”

“No..no you can’t stay. You have to go” Luhan’s voice is one octave higher now and sehun dreads that something is wrong.

“Are you hiding something from me lu. I promise i wouldn’t harm you or try to win you back. I have realised my mistake and i just wants to take care of you as a friend. The least i could do after ruining yours and kai’s life”

“If i tell you, you will hate me. You will know how selfish i am” and he finally sits down, his sobs have quitted down and he is no longer trembling.

“No i wouldn’t think that. Now tell me why you didn’t allow me to call the nurse and why you want me gone when it’s clear you need someone?”

“I am sorry sehun but i don’t love you. I know now that i have always and will forever love kai alone.”

“But he is not here. We could not find him even after a month of search.” luhan burrows his head in his hands and his whole body trembles with silent tears.

“You know, when i was in the operation theatre, i wanted to die. I was almost gone but then i saw kai. An..And it was weird but he kept telling me to wake up. He said i can not die. He told me he forgave me and he still loves me.” he gave such a relieved smile that for a second sehun didn’t find anything which the older was saying to be weird.

 “Then everything clicked in place. I attempted suicide not because of what you said that night but the guilt, the pain and the longing for him that kept growing inside me and finally it exploded with all the enraged emotions.”

He stares at sehun with an almost calm demeanour “You are not in the wrong. At least not more than me. And now i finally know that i have to find him. I need to see h