Hongbin enters the flat with a knotted stomach. Everything is quiet and clean, just like when they left the day before, and it strangely looks like a dream. Maybe Jaehwan will come out of his bedroom at this precise moment, eyes still puffy from sleep, and he would greet him affectionately, like a brother, just as he did so many times. Maybe they will have a peaceful breakfast, like on all those saturday mornings, and everything will be fine, just like it always have been.

 

But Hongbin knows now, that it wasn't fine at all.

 

He knocks lightly on Jaehwan's door to indicate his presence, before coming in. Just like he predicted, the older is curled up in his bed, maybe sleeping, but most likely sulking. Jaehwan had always been an early bird, even on mornings after parties.

 

"Hyung," he nearly whispers, "are you awake?"

 

If this had been any like any other of their childlish fights, Jaehwan would have probably snorted something among the lines "don't you hyung me, you asshat" ; but Hongbin fears that this is another way more serious matter. Jaehwan doesn't reply. Doesn't even shift. Hongbin knows he is listening nonetheless.

 

"Hyuk and I broke up." He drops like a bomb. It makes the older shift slightly. "Is that what you want me to say? Would it make you happy?"

 

There is a little silence during which Jaehwan peeks his head out of the blankets. "No," he mouths, even if this is only half-true.

 

"Listen Jaehwan, I-- I'm lost with you." Hongbin runs a hand through his hair, sitting on the edge of the bed not to have to face him. "You know I love you. I love you because you are like a brother to me and I... I can't love you the way you want me. I like Hyuk."

 

Jaehwan knows it, knows all of it, but it still so damn hurt to hear it coming out of Hongbin's mouth.

 

"I like Hyuk and it's the first time in forever that I'm feeling this way about someone. I used to think I could give up on everything for you because you're my best friend, but I- I can't let go of him. I'm sorry Jaehwan."

 

A heavy silence follows. Hongbin buries his face in his palms. He is scared, he admits, to look at his friend in the eyes and see the guilt and sadness painted all over it. He himself feels guilty for making him feel this way whereas he should be the one to comfort him and make him feel good.

 

"Do you want me to move out?" Jaehwan asks in a broken voice.

 

It surprises him.

 

"Do you want to?..."

 

"I don't know."

 

Hongbin turns his head slightly to look at him, and the sight breaks his heart. On Jaehwan's cheeks roll pearly round tears, like tiny diamonds, and even though the older had never been anything but beautiful, it's a sight Hongbin can't bear. He lies down next to him, close enough to hear his breath, not daring to close the distance between their bodies.

 

"Maybe we should give each other some space."

 

Jaehwan sniffs, pursing his lips. "Maybe."

 

They stay like this for quite a while, until Jaehwan's tears eventually dry out and his breath evens. Gradually, Hongbin wipes his cheeks with tissues, fixes his hair tenderly, to show him that he cares anyway, that he will always care. It soothes Jaehwan's heart as much as it breaks it.

 

"I'll be staying at my sister's flat for a while," Hongbin says, fixing the strands falling over his eyes, "you can call me anytime, but let's try to get over it, okay?"

 

"When will you come back?"

 

"Soon enough. You will not see time pass."

 

Jaehwan closes his eyes. "I'm sorry for being such an awful human being."

 

"I'm the one who should be ashamed of hurting you."

 

Hongbin pecks his forehead, just like a children, and the pain is still here, but it fades away with the younger's words.

 

"I'm going now, Jaehwan."

 

He presses their foreheads together a last short time. The feeling of his warm skin vanishes as a single tear rolls down Jaehwan's nose. He keeps his eyes shut until hearing the front door closing.

 

Maybe if he stays like this a little longer, he could be swallowed by slumber again and stop feeling horrible.

 

 

He doesn't know how many minutes pass before he convinces  to get out of bed and take a shower. Maybe a walk in the park will chase his ugly thoughts away, he wonders, and everything would heal eventually. Recalling yesterday's events makes him feel filthy, as he scrubs harder his skin with soap with the hope of all his sins disappearing under the pouring water. It's desperate, and useless, because after his shower he feels nothing but awful. Poor little Jaehwannie that nobody loves, and who doesn't deserve love ; he can't help but feeling over-dramatic about this.

 

However, seeing that even his cute neighbor has closed the shutter before him, it may be truer this time than the others. Maybe this time, everyone has truly given up on him.

 

That's when his eyes divert on the pretty amaryllis near his window.

 

He runs to Hakyeon's flat next door without even taking time to dry his damp hair.

 

"I need to know who that is!" he blurts out as a greeting, in front of a puzzled Hakyeon.

 

"Who what?.."

 

"Uh, sorry, good morning. I need to know who the guy leaving flowers for me! Could you maybe tell me his identity, please?.."

 

Hakyeon widens his eyes, obviously uneasy. "Well I... I promised I wouldn't let it out but maybe I could give him a note from you if you want to meet him?"

 

"Anything that could work. I really need to talk to him. Can you please tell him to come join me in the park down the building?" Jaehwan asks hurriedly, before realising that might have been a bit rude, "Sorry for being like this but uh, loads of ty things happened and I'm- I'm a bit lost. I didn't forget I'm supposed to have a drink with you today but can I come maybe later on? Or you can come at mine, my roommate isn't here."

 

Hakyeon smiles, and Jaehwan decides that he might as well be the sweetest neighbor he ever had, as he speaks again softly. "It's nothing. Come at my door whenever you want! I will tell your secret admirer your message."

 

Jaehwan wants to hug him for being so kind, but he figures that may be a bit weird. He settles on bowing slightly his head instead.

 

"Thank you so much!" he exclaims, "I guess I'll see you later then."

 

"Later," Hakyeon bids him goodbye as he retreats back in his flat while Jaehwan makes his way downstairs to the park.

 

The wind is chill and makes his hair feel cold, but he doesn't care much. His entire mind is focused on either Hongbin or that mysterious guy that likes him. Part of him hopes that the one showing up at the park to meet him would be that handsome neighbor he has been -dare he says it- spying on for the last two weeks, but in reality, anyone will do. It is as awful as that but Jaehwan would accept anyone at this point, anyone that could make him feel loved instead of blatantly miserable. Surely, trying to date some other people would help him get over Hongbin ; at least that's what he thinks. He would act in consequence when the time will come, and hopefully, it would arrive sooner or later. He just has to wait.

 

His fortune takes a little longer to arrive, in the form of a young man making his way towards him, hands in the pocket and head perking up to look at the sky. Jaehwan recognises his neighbor, with his tall figure and blonde hair, enlightened by the sun. His heart starts to beat faster as he watches him in awe, pacing lazily through the park, sliding glances at the flowers and trees surrounding him. He doesn't want to lift his hopes too high, however he can't help but wonder whether the cute neighbor would stop by next to him or simply continuing his walk.

 

A little voice is whispering in his head ; "and what if he does?"

 

Jaehwan looks up at him. No matter how he pictures it, there is a part of his mind comparing him to Hongbin. His figure is about the same height, but the feeling is different. Whereas Hongbin looks like an innocent flower boy, soothing his head and hurt whenever he smiles, his neighbor looks more of a guy that could make him feel thrilled and excited, always on the edge. The thought succeeds in making him smile, even in the slightest bit, as he lowers his head towards the floor to look at his balancing feet. He counts the seconds in his head before the young man would pass before him without stopping, preparing himself for the upcoming disappointement, even if hope bubbles in his stomach.

 

"Hi."

 

His heart is ready to stop and burst into flames on the spot as he feels somebody plopping down on the swing next to the on he's sitting on.

 

"I didn't know my y poems would make you want to meet me."

 

Jaehwan lifts his head, slowly, and it's not a dream. He smiles shyly ; something unexpected coming from him.

 

"It's not the poems."

 

There is a little silence during which they look at each other closely for the first time. Jaehwan wants to touch the other's hair, face, to ensure that he won't vanish, but he doesn't dare to move before he opens his mouth again.

 

"Kim Wonshik."

 

His hand twitches on the swing. "Lee Jaehwan."

 

Wonshik is looking at him intensely, trying to read something in his eyes, and goosebumps bloom on Jaehwan's skin. A feeling of betrayal seeps in his veins, him who is looking at another person as Hongbin is still enclosed in his heart, not staying but not leaving completely, but it's too late to back up. Every fiber of his being is attracted by the radiating love coming from Wonshik, a pure affection capturing his gaze like an insect captivated by the broad light in the night. It surprises even himself as his voice breaks the silence.

 

"Let's go on a date."

 

Wonshik freezes, dumbfounded by the sudden request. He wants to feel happy and excited, but one look at Jaehwan's sad eyes makes his throat tighten. He can see very well what he is being used for. Nonetheless, his lips stretch into a small smile and he nods.

 

"Right now?"

 

"I don't know..." Jaehwan pauses. "Actually I didn't thought I would be able to go this far, so I really didn't think this through."

 

"Let me buy you something to eat then."

 

They get up from the swings and start to walk side by side, arms occasionnally brushing against each other's. Jaehwan feels both happy and melancholic, and every step he takes feels heavy and light at the same time. It would be so easy for him to grab Wonshik's hand, though, and hold onto it to keep himself steady, to stop wavering between the painful thought of Hongbin and the soothing yet saddening perspective of starting things with Wonshik, but he doesn't do anything, wanting to linger some more in inconstancy.

 

"Look, a white poppy. It's my first time seeing one!" the other's voice takes him out of his reverie, as he bends down to show him the delicate flower standing alone in the middle of the grass.

 

Jaehwan laughs. "What are you, some kind of flower nerd?"

 

"You could say that."

 

Wonshik touches gently the flower's petals, not wanting to bruise it. He would like to offer it to Jaehwan, but wouldn't it be too cheesy? He settles on not doing anything ; after all, making him laugh was by far enough for now. At least, Jaehwan's gaze doesn't look so sad anymore.

 

 

 

White poppy - consolation.

 

 

---

i'm so embarassed to have only this ridiculous chapter to give you after such a long time. like. uhhh. i'm so sorry! i wanted to include neo but i couldn't find any acceptable transition so i'm keeping it for next chapter.