The hammer hits the mole’s head with a plastic squeak and Jaehwan shouts happily, ‘YES!’

Behind him, Wonshik crosses his arms, smiling, as he turns around to flout him:

“I’m so going to win this time, wait and see!”

“You’re missing the moles,” Wonshik remarks, pointing with his chin the arcade game.

Jaehwan shrieks in panic and resumes his game in a jolt under Wonshik’s tender gaze. A few more squeaks echo before the moles stop coming out of their holes. He whines a little looking at his score; he really wanted to reach eight hundred but now that he doesn’t, he is fairly sure that Wonshik is going to win again – Jaehwan just this much at arcade game. The younger laughs behind him before coming to wind an arm around his shoulder, and he can swear that he hears him mouthing ‘cute’ under his breath. It makes his ears turn crimson.

“Planning on starting a mole hunter career?” Wonshik says looking at his score with an impressed face.

Jaehwan pouts. “I didn’t reach eight hundred because you disturbed me.” He fumbles with his hammer.

“You disturbed yourself!” Wonshik chuckles before getting hit lightly on the head with the plastic device. He lets it fall on Jaehwan’s shoulder. “You’re such a bad loser.”

Jaehwan cackles. He doesn’t hide his joy and ruffles his hair affectionately to make it up for the hit. He takes a chocolate bar out of his pocket to munch on it, last survivor of their lunch that consisted of eating every sweets they could land a hand on, courtesy of Wonshik who let him choose whatever he wanted, and the familiar taste of chocolate in his mouth makes him hum in delight.

“Here, your turn,” he then hands the hammer to Wonshik before sliding a coin into the arcade.

“Thank you.”

He steps aside, chocolate bar still half eaten in his mouth. He watches Wonshik play with attention, the way his arms move and his shoulders roll under the fabric of his shirt, pursing his lips thoughtfully. Looking at him is way more pleasant up close than behind a glass wall. He couldn’t honestly hope for a better first date than chocolate and arcade games, he thinks as he hears Wonshik huffing at a too fast mole, and the word makes his heart flutter. Date. Like that, surely like that, Jaehwan would be able to move on and forget about all the crap that happened these past few days. Like that, surely like that, Jaehwan would be able to erase Hongbin’s face from his thoughts to replace it with Wonshik’s.

A proud laugh makes him come back to earth: Wonshik is slowly starting to catch up his score. He can’t let that happen.

“Wait a second!” He exclaims, scandalized. He engulfs the last remain of his candy and goes to the younger to catch his arm mid-way, preventing him from hitting any other mole.

“What are you doing?” Wonshik laughs and tries to shake him off of his back as he clings onto him like a koala, pulling his arms back.

“You can’t win!”

“I’m missing every mole! Let go!”

“Never!”

They wrestle for about ten seconds, the time for the game to end. Jaehwan erupts into an evil snicker looking at Wonshik’s score, slightly lower than his, letting go of him with a smirk.

“You damn nugget,” the younger mutters, this time being the one hitting the other on the head with the hammer, “Fine, you win. Let’s do something else.”

Jaehwan feels at ease with Wonshik by now, and don’t hesitate to squeeze his cheeks like he would do to a toddler. “Who’s the bad loser now?”

They leave the arcade game anyway to grab a bubble tea and hang out somewhere. Although playing was fun, Jaehwan prefers by far the perspective of sitting and talking until dawn would eventually fall on them. Wonshik leads him to the place he first discovered in the city, full of splashing water and children’s laughter, and they go along the way holding hands without thinking of it, sitting on the grass in the middle of other couples. They talk and joke together, revealing things about themselves in turn, affection growing between them.

Every so often though, Jaehwan’s gaze stays fixed into the distance.

It seems yesterday to him, his first day out after moving in with Hongbin, spent strolling around under the sun in this exact same place. The younger had showed him everything he knew in town at that time, excitedly babbling and ranting on about how much fun he had there when he was just a kid, and Jaehwan had listened to every single sentence. It was way before he started to fall for his best friend but it somehow feels like he has always loved him that way, even unconsciously. Memories are brought back by the familiar place and scents and he suddenly feels awful.

No matter how much Jaehwan gets along with Wonshik, something in his guts is telling him, he hasn’t moved on yet.

And no matter how much he forces himself to erase Hongbin, Wonshik sees very well in his eyes the silent longing.

Wonshik sees it, and he is reminded of Taekwoon and Hakyeon, stuck into a never-ending scheme.

And even if his crush has by now changed into something much tender, he can’t close the distance between them and imprison himself into a role he doesn’t want to have. Wonshik isn’t Taekwoon, and this no matter how much he likes Jaehwan.

He lets go of his hand and stands up in the dimming sunlight.

In front of him Jaehwan lifts his gaze to find answers in his eyes.

“I can’t do this,” Wonshik says, and even if Jaehwan understands, he still asks;

“What?”

“I had a great time with you, Jaehwan,” his tone is gentle but firm, “But I can’t date you if you’re still in love with someone else.”

The words hurt him more than he would like to admit. It feels like a pang in his chest, the realization of his failed attempts at healing. The pain is sharp, and anger flows in him like an acid torrent of repressed feelings.

“You don’t know anything about that,” he tries to keep his tone steady but his hands already tremble with hidden frustration, “Weren’t you the one that wanted to date me? Can’t you settle on one decision?”

Wonshik frowns and look at him with an expression close of disappointment mixed with disgust. “I’m not here to indulge your every whim.”

Jaehwan would like to yell and throw himself at him to punch his face, but his fists only clench tight until his knuckles turn white. “So that’s it?” He blurts out with fake contempt, “You’re going to end this on an assumption?”

“Everything is very clear, Jaehwan,” Wonshik says and there isn’t any trace of tenderness in his voice anymore, “This isn’t your concern anymore.”

“Then get lost.”

Wonshik is still looking at him with a placid glare and it makes him furious.

“GET LOST!” He yells. People start turning to them but Jaehwan doesn’t care. If Wonshik doesn’t go right away he will probably break in front of everyone.

Eventually, Wonshik passes a hand on his face and turns around, head hanging low as if deploring a loss.

Everything gets quiet then, if not for the buzzing in Jaehwan’s head and his blood pounding to his ears. Things just continue the way they were, the moment of stillness over. And just like this other night, he starts running to nowhere, hoping to get lost and exhausted, to feel something other than this painful void inside of him.

Only when he collapses against a cold stoned wall, emptying his stomach as cold sweat drips down his chin and forehead, does he allow himself some rest, even reluctantly. Angry tears burn the corner of his eyes but Jaehwan doesn’t want none of them. He kicks into a bin and the metallic clang makes a cat and a few mice scatter in the empty alley. It’s nearly nighttime. He should be heading home but he doesn’t feel strong enough.

“Jaehwan?”

The voice makes him startle. Under the dim light of the street lamp, he recognizes Hakyeon standing before him with a sport bag above the shoulder, looking as if he was some stray cat he would try to approach.

“What are you doing here at this hour?” Hakyeon steps into the alley to reach his arm and Jaehwan lets him. “You don’t seem so good. Should we get home together?”

He drops his head. Hakyeon seems to take it as a yes.

“I guess we both are in an awful situation,” he says with a small smile, and he wraps his hand around Jaehwan’s wrist like a mother around her child’s. “Let’s get some tea and a good night sleep.”

They walk silently into the night together, heart heavy and gaze low.

“I think I really ed up,” Jaehwan admits in the elevator, looking at the ceiling with hollow eyes.

Hakyeon pats him on the shoulder and even if he hates when people do that he doesn’t pull back. “I guess that makes both of us then.”

“I ed up so bad, you know, I should earn a medal for that.”

“We can always make you one at mine.”

They laugh together and Jaehwan suddenly feels a bit lighter, a bit better than before.

“Sounds awesome.”

“I got leftovers from lunch and they are delicious,” Hakyeon says as they reach their floor, “Want to share?”

“I hope that it’s Chinese food,” Jaehwan smiles and follows him into his flat, closing the door behind them with a small clap.

Hakyeon’s flat looks surprisingly similar to his, a little bit cleaner, a little bit emptier maybe.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back.”

Jaehwan doesn’t need to be told twice and plops on the comfy couch with an appreciative sigh, looking all around him at the pretty furniture displayed in the small flat, much more organized than Hongbin’s and his.

“Your flat is nice,” he compliments Hakyeon when he comes back in the living-room, wearing a comfortable hoodie and sweatpants.

“Thanks,” the other replies with a smile, making his way towards the kitchen and motioning for him to come along, “It was really messy not so long ago, though. Good thing that a friend of mine came to help me clean and clear everything.”

“Really? It looks like those flat they show on IKEA magazines though. Hard to imagine it messy.”

“You know breakups,” Hakyeon waves his hand in a neglecting manner and Jaehwan doesn’t dare to admit that he in fact doesn’t know anything at all when it comes to dates, “My home always become some sort of war-zone every time I’m down.”

“Are you down right now?”

“It’ll get better.”

Jaehwan shuts up and watches Hakyeon preparing some food, humming a song he doesn’t know. They end up eating on the couch, each one with his bowl on his lap, TV playing in the background. They watch nature documentary and learn random stuff about each other, letting their worries aside for a little while, drown into bad jokes and stupid comments about unknown animals. As a hungry lion chases after running gazelles, Jaehwan tells Hakyeon about Hongbin, Sanghyuk, Kyungsoo, Wonshik. As an elephant quench his thirst at a water point, Hakyeon tells Jaehwan about Minhyuk, Junmyeon, Taekwoon.

They are brought together by sadness and unfortunate events, as well as a few glasses of wine.

Somewhere along the way they embrace each other loosely and snuggle close, whispering reassurances to one another, as if they didn’t have anyone but themselves anymore.

Jaehwan presses his lips on Hakyeon’s to calm him down, in a tender gesture, and it doesn’t make his heart race like it should, but rather settles it down in an even beat.

“This is weird,” Hakyeon laughs but doesn’t pull back from his hug. “Promise me we won’t do it again.”

“I’m not the one that should be there to cheer you up,” Jaehwan retorts with a shrugs, “Nor the one pecking you.”

Silence falls and Hakyeon closes his eyes, thinking of Taekwoon.

“We really should get a hold on ourselves and fix our stuff right,” he whispers. On his back, Jaehwan is tracing circle patterns and it makes him sleepy.

“Tomorrow,” Jaehwan breathes in his neck, his eyelids fluttering close too, trying to pry out thoughts and find peace at heart, “Tomorrow.”

*

Sanghyuk drops his phone next to his pillow, voicemail turning in loop. His fingers threatens to fall on the screen and delete everything but he is stopped every time by Hongbin’s begging voice; “Please don’t leave me, I love you.”

It’s slurred and confused, drown into other unclear words and messy explanations, but Sanghyuk holds onto it like on a thin spider web thread, hoping that it will be strong enough to make him come back. Despite deleting Hongbin’s last message, he can’t bring himself to delete the others, too weak in front of the older’s cracked voice and whispered confessions.

How much Sanghyuk would like to be mad at him though.

For letting him alone in that pub. For preferring to run after Jaehwan without an explanation, without a glance back, after being confessed to. For calling him a total of forty seven times, completely drunk, leaving him guilt-trip messages that he dread on all night long.

How much Sanghyuk would like to be mad at him, however doesn’t dare to make this beloved voice disappear from his phone and stop resonating in his bedroom.

“I’m sorry, Sanghyuk, I—“

He rips off a paper in two to calm down his nerves.

“Please call me back—“

He tears it one, two times.

“I didn’t mean to make you mad or sad or anything—“

Three, four, five times.

“I love you so much—“

Paper falls like confetti on his blanket.

“Sanghyuk? It’s me again—“

A vibration cuts Hongbin’s voice in the middle of his sentence. Sanghyuk lifts himself up to see the caller’s ID and his breath gets caught in his throat when he sees the picture displayed on the screen.

“,” he gets away immediately as if the device was on fire, “, .”

On his phone, Hongbin’s smiling face is luring him, but he still doesn’t know if he really wants to pick up the call or not.

Before he can make a decision, the last ring comes to an end and the room goes silent again.

He lets himself slide and fall back on the mattress with a groan. Never once did he suspect that having an argument was this nerve-wrecking.

This is Han Sanghyuk’s voicemail! I’m not available at the moment, call me again or leave me a message!

“Damn it, Hyuk, I must sound like such a creep. I guess that you received all my other messages and that you must be very mad at me for not replying… Again, I’m sorry. I should’ve done things differently. I wish you would pick up the phone so that I could explain myself but I can’t force you to listen to me.

I will stop calling after this last message. I don’t want to be a burden. But please, please, I beg you to just give me a chance to make it up… If you could call me or if we could just see each other… Even if it’s to break up, Hyuk, I’m willing to do anything just to hear your voice and talk to you for real.

I—I love you. I think I really do.”

Hongbin lets go of his phone for the last time and tosses it in the drawer. He buries his head in his pillow, muffling a frustrated groan. Flowery scent on his blankets reminds him of Sanghyuk and their hours spent in the grass. Closing his eyes and lying on his back, he wonders. Would he really be ready to give up on all that if Sanghyuk ever wanted to break up? A selfish part of him would like to have a hold on the younger as long as possible, willing to keep him or win him back just because he is in love with him; another, much more discreet, is ready to accept whatever decision Sanghyuk would make, even if it means loving him from afar, or moving on.

“What would be real love?” He whispers to himself, and he lays an arm above his tired eyes to shut down from reality. The dark helps him think properly again.

Behind his closed eyelids, he imagines Sanghyuk’s face and laughter, the damp hair and bare feet on the sidewalk, freesias hanging back and forth with the rhythm of their steps.

He imagines the daisy’s petals falling on the road, the younger’s flushed cheeks and curved smile, their hands intertwined.

He imagines the grass on the hill, the chilly wind and the flowers in his hair.

He can nearly hear again: “So… Do you love me?”

The reply dies on his lips as he falls back asleep.

Bittersweet – truth.

Very late i know. I'm a bit down nowadays since i failed my exam, haha. I'll get better though. I hope you aren't mad at me for ruining kenvi. I hope sweet haken makes it up for the loss. I can't wait to show you hyukbin and neo next chap. Love you all and see you next time, hopefully soon!

Also we are over 150 (176 as i write this) and you can't possibly know how happy that makes me! I'm forever thankful!!