On Friday night, Jaehwan finally asks Hongbin to go have a drink downtown with him. He's fed up already of being left out alone in the flat, because the cute neighbor isn't there during the day and he therefore hasn't anything to look at during his long hours of procrastination and mourning in bed ; besides, it's been a while since they last hang out on an evening, in fact ever since the younger met Sanghyuk, two weeks ago. But tonight, Jaehwan thinks happily, it will only be the two of them, having a last drink before classes start again, and it's going to be just like the old times. 

 

He even dress up nicely for the occasion, wearing those slim pants his sister bought him, in which he looks "so damn fine" and a casual black v-neck under a leather jacket ; out of all his outfits, it's the one he feels the most confident in. Before leaving his bedroom, he casts a last glance at the window. The neighbor's light just got and he sees his tall figure pacing in the room, removing his tee-shirt. He glances maybe for a little while, cheeks flushing with each inch of skin revealed ; it feels like watching a movie, except for the actual possibility of getting there, and be the one to touch that person. 

 

"Hyung!", Hongbin calls him from the living-room, and he shakes his head to get a hold on himself again.

 

He smacks lightly his face to focus on his upcoming evening with Hongbin rather than the neighbor's perfect body. Still, he smiles before going completely, wishing him -in his head- an evening as good as his.

 

However, when he steps in the living-room, he finds himself, much to his discomfort, facing Sanghyuk who just got into the flat. Disappointement dawns upon him like a cold shower, a heavy feeling sinking in his stomach, as he meets the younger's eyes, full of nervousness. Standing right next to Hongbin, both wearing nice clothes, they look like a couple coming straight from a fashion magazine, with handsome faces and slim bodies ; all of a sudden, Jaehwan feels self-conscious.

 

"Hyung, let me introduce you Sanghyuk!", Hongbin beams, gesturing towards the young man as if everything was normal, as if Jaehwan's insides weren't crumbling. "Hyuk-ah, this is Jaehwan, my favourite hyung and roommate."

 

"It's very nice to meet you!", Sanghyuk bows, genuinely smiling.

 

"Pleasure is mine.", Jaehwan replies, also smiling, although it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

 

Hongbin cuts him off before he has the time to ask what the younger is here for:

"Hyuk is going to have a drink with us!"

 

He can't refrain the tiny "oh" coming out of his mouth, but is quick to recover. "Shall we go then? Is anyone else coming with us?"

 

"No.", Hongbin chuckles, "I just wanted you to meet Hyuk."

 

Jaehwan forces a smile, looking at the younger's features. Just like Hongbin, he's tall and handsome, with gorgeous almond eyes and sharp jawline, contrary to Jaehwan's too long nose and too thick lips, not to mention his squishy body. For sure, Hyuk and Hongbin are a match, and Jaehwan simply a bystander, just like he had always been. He tries to shrug it off his mind and enjoy the other's compagny. Sanghyuk seems very nervous about all this, fidgeting with his fingers and shyly smiling at him, and Jaehwan could find it cute and his insides could melt in front of the young boy if it weren't for this damn envy of being the one reassured by Hongbin, the one his soft chuckles and hand were for. 

 

It hurts him, because before being his crush, Hongbin is a dear friend of his, and he should be happy to see him with someone ; however he can't help but feeling his hapiness tainted with something else, something way uglier, that makes him feel horrible about himself. It feels like his heart is collapsing, as he sees Sanghyuk happily grinning at Hongbin, fixing his hair, while he's standing there without a purpose, arms wailing in the air. And somehow, he also feels upset at his friend, for inviting someone else on their night, but it's too late to say anything now. 

 

They decide to go in Hongbin and Jaehwan's usual pub, taking a seat in the comfortables old-fashioned couch and armchair. Sanghyuk is looking everywhere, dazzed, smiling at the dusty furniture and cozy atmosphere ; Hongbin is watching from the corner of the eye, with a tender gaze Jaehwan never witnessed before. Trying to hide his discomfort, Jaehwan sips rather frequently on his cocktail, speaking with Sanghyuk. However, the more his glass empties, the more he gets pissed off at the couple besides him, and this despite all of Sanghyuk's jokes, smiles and light-hearted conversations. Maybe, if this had been another time or another context, Jaehwan could have grown fond of the younger. Sanghyuk is cute, funny and even sassy at some times, everything Jaehwan could wish to have as a little brother ; but he's too focused on the way Hongbin's eyes on the highschooler makes his heart ache and insides boil with anger to pay attention to his growing affection.

 

He's mad, at Hongbin for being so oblivious and inconsiderate, at Sanghyuk for making him feel infinitely less than him, at the both of them for being genuinely happy and carefree without him ; above all, he's mad at himself for feeling that way even though he shouldn't.

 

They have been sitting in the same spot for three hours now, and after four cocktails Jaehwan's head feels cloudy, even though he doesn't let it reveal. In front of him, Sanghyuk is recalling a funny story about Hongbin and him, that Jaehwan can't really focus on. He nods and smiles as if everything was alright, as if he didn't notice the way Hongbin's eyes sparkle whenever Sanghyuk speaks, and the way it makes his own heart falters. They are interrupted by the younger's phone vibrating on the table.

 

"It's my mother.", Sanghyuk indicates, smiling. "It will take a little while, but I'll be back."

 

Hongbin pecks him on the temple ; Jaehwan's teeth clenches as he nods and smiles once again at the redhead before he goes out. They are left alone, Jaehwan filled with resentment and anger at Hongbin's stupid face, stupid brain, stupid boyfriend, stupid everything. He must have furrowed his eyebrows in the process of cursing against his friend, because the latter immediately enquires:

 

"Is there something wrong?"

 

Jaehwan is tempted to dismiss that feeling, to brush it off and tell him not to worry, but his mind is foggy and his head hurts like his heart ; and as much as he wishes the best for Hongbin, he's just that selfish, and he can't help it.

 

"I don't like it.", he says, and it comes out harsher than he wanted, "That Sanghyuk's here."

 

Hongbin frowns. "But you two get along well, don't you?"

 

"It's not him the problem. It's you."

 

"How so?"

 

"We were supposed to be only the two of us tonight! Why did you have to bring him along?"

 

Jaehwan's head starts to pump again. He's becoming even more mad, because of the ache, and Hongbin's innocent face that looks at him painted with incomprehension. 

 

"I just wanted you to meet him... Since we've been stick together since two weeks and I just thought... Maybe you'd like him?", Hongbin taps his fingers on the table, growing nervous. "It'd mean a lot to me for you to get along, since you're my closest friend and--"

 

"So close you didn't even take the time to consider how I could feel?"

 

"What?.. Are you hurt? Did I do something wrong?"

 

Hongbin is so prevenant, and kind, it makes Jaehwan even angrier. 

 

"What's wrong? You want to know what you did wrong? Everything! Everything goes wrong when it comes to you! Everything goes wrong because of me! Do you have any idea of how ing dense you are?" His voice is loud, louder than it should, and he wants to take back his words as soon as they get out of his mouth, but his venom isn't totally spilled and still itches in the back of his throat. 

 

"What are you even talking about? I never-- I never did anything to hurt you!"

Hongbin starts to speak louder too, because he doesn't understand why on earth his friend would be that mad at him although he doesn't even recall doing anything ; and it feels so unfair, to be treated and accused like that, when the only thing he did was loving someone.

 

"Don't you get it by now? Did you ever get it? I don't like seeing you with Sanghyuk! That's what's hurting me!"

 

"Why on earth? Can't you be happy for me? Is that so hard to do? Or can you only see yourself? I thought you were my friend! I thought you'd be the first one to congratulate me! I thought you'd be happy that I found someone with that bloody bouquet because that's what friends do! They support each other!"

 

Jaehwan's tears threaten to fall, out of rage, against himself and everything ; he it up, but he can't hold back in his words. "That's not what I wanted!.. That-- That's not what I want!"

 

"What do you want?! Do you want me to break up because you aren't happy? Do you want me to--"

 

"I wanted you for myself!"

 

Jaehwan's cry makes Hongbin's anger fade immediately. It's far too late to back up now.

 

He spills all out ; his frustration, anger, sadness, even the bits of affection and the shots of hatred, he empties everything until there's nothing left but exhaustion and a horrid feeling of something missing in the pits of his guts. He spills it all and Hongbin can't do anything but listen, listen to his broken sentences and his voice on the edge of tears. He doesn't even notice Sanghyuk who is coming back to them, just as he spits out the last sentence, full of resentment and resignation.

 

Hongbin looks at him with that stare he despises, that pleading stare begging him, "don't say it", but Jaehwan is fed up with all this.

 

"I love you."

 

He says it as if to get rid of it, as if to throw it away like the rest, and those words that are supposed to be filled with tenderness only comes out of his mouth crooked and ugly.

 

"Jaehwan--", Hongbin starts, but he doesn't know what to say anymore and he can't even think straight because of the alcohol ; Jaehwan takes this opportunity to flee away, tears already about to fall before his friend's pitiful look.

 

He bumps into Sanghyuk on the way. He doesn't stop, doesn't spare him a glance. Around him, everything is spinning and hurting ; lights are everywhere, blurry and blinding, his steps aren't steady and his breath isn't even. He starts running as water rolls down his burning cheeks, so that maybe the aches in his limb could make it up for the ache in his heart, but he finds himself near to exhaustion, about to faint on the side of the road, and Hongbin's face won't leave his closed eyelids.

 

He crouches down, burying his head in his arms.

 

He's feeling nauseous already. However, he doesn't want to go home. Not yet. Not without Hongbin.

 

"Are you alright?", the sweet voice above him makes him startle. He lifts up his face to look at the stranger. "Do you want me to get something?"

 

In his hands, Jaehwan sees a flask. He grabs it, emptying its content ; the vodka burns his throat and makes another tear roll down his cheek, but at least, it replaces the pain in his heart, even for a few seconds. He hears the other male's tinkling chuckle, and it reminds him of Hongbin's.

 

"I guess that's what you needed. How are you feeling?"

 

"Awful.", Jaehwan admits, "I'm sorry for emptying it. I'll make it up to you..."

 

The other dismisses it. "It's nothing. I'm good myself. Are you going home?"

 

Now that Jaehwan thinks about it, it's true that he smells like alcohol too, and that his cheeks are slightly flushed. He watches him a little more, admiring his beautiful raven hair falling above his round eyes.

 

"I'm supposed to."

 

"Do you want me to get you there? You don't seem so fine."

 

"I could use some help."

 

The boy smiles at him, helping him up. His smile is weird, thinks Jaehwan ; it's like a strangely-shaped heart, with pearly white teeth inside. It makes him laugh dumbly.

 

"What's your name?", he asks, tracing the outline of the other's lips, fascinated by their shape.

 

"Kyungsoo. What's yours?"

 

"Jaehwan."

 

Kyungsoo touches the tip of Jaehwan's nose in return. "Shall we get you home now, Jaehwan?"

 

"You can get in my home too, if you want. I could use some help."

 

"Some help with what?"

 

Their faces leans in dangerously close, as the vodka earlier starts to makes its effect on Jaehwan ; his head is spinning again and every fiber of his being reacts to Kyungsoo's proximity.

 

"Forgetting someone."

 

Kyungsoo smirks. "Piece of cake."

 

He closes the gap between them, sealing their lips with an hungry kiss. They both taste like alcohol and a faint scent of lime, something so unfamiliar to Jaehwan, he has to pull back to recover his senses.

 

"Let's go at mine.", he suggests, grabbing Kyungsoo's hand to walk him to his flat.

 

All lights are out by the time they reach it ; Jaehwan slides his keys in the lock, Kyungsoo pecking his nape, and prays for Hongbin not to be home. His request is granted as he steps into the empty flat, as calm as it was when they left it earlier. He kicks his shoes in the hall, removes hastily his jacket before luring Kyungsoo into his bedroom. His heart is thumping and a little voice in his head warns him, but Jaehwan would do anything to stop thinking about Hongbin, including sleeping with a complete stranger ; or at least that's what he tells himself.

 

He struggles to find the lightswitch, because they enter the bedroom in the middle of an intense making-out session, but manages to snatch it somehow. Kyungsoo makes him sit on the bed to craddle on his laps, delicately cupping his face with his hands, and Jaehwan imagines them being someone else's. Soon the hands get lower, grazing upon his neck and chest, as they are still kissing intensely ; fingers tickle the smooth skin, lips move against lips, breaths get erractic, but Jaehwan senses something's off. Suddenly, he isn't so sure about all of this.

 

He pulls back when Kyungsoo's hands starts to wander on his bare skin, under his shirt.

 

"W-Wait, I... I don't know if I really want that."

 

The other furrows his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

 

"I-- It's the first I'm doing those sort of things and I... I can't." He lets his hands fall on each side of his body, looking at Kyungsoo with a sorry look.

Kyungsoo gets out of his laps. "Are you ditching me?.."

 

"I don't-- You're-... It's not about you personnally it's- it's me." Jaehwan knows it perfectly. It has always been him, the source of troubles. Nothing could ever go fine with him. "I'm sorry..."

 

In front of him Kyungsoo huffs, obviously displeased, but doesn't say anything else. He simply fixes the wrinkles on his clothes, grabs his shoes and coat, and leave without a word. It's harsh, but somehow Jaehwan feels like he deserved it.

 

By now the alcohol effects are fading out, and Jaehwan only feels highly exhausted. He strips down to his boxers and slids undercover, too tired and too sad to care. Somehow, he feels empty after the whole confession to Hongbin ; as if simply putting words on his thoughts had miraculously erased all of his feelings towards his friend. But he knows it very well: it will be back tomorrow.

 

He turns to the side, hoping to catch a glimpse of the neighbor ; at night, with the faint light of the street lamps, Jaehwan can sometimes guess the silhouette of the other man, and it soothes him to sleep. He imagines himself wrapped up next to him, with someone that maybe, just maybe, could love him back, just for once.

 

But for the first time in two weeks, Jaehwan faces the grey pattern of curtains.

 

It's nearly one in the morning when Wonshik turns off his lights. Inspiration striked him at the last moment, and he stayed up a little longer this time, to finish the little demo he was working on. He goes in bed humming the tune, glancing at the windows before crawling under his blankets. Part of him wants to see the cute neighbor coming home and getting into bed at the same time as him -and it's certainly not to see him get changed, no way. He sighs dreamily. Maybe tomorrow, or in a few days, he will come to the neighbor's door to actually give him the flowers himself. Maybe Ken would even invite him inside to drink something and they could acquaint each other. Maybe he wouldn't think of him as a creep for looking at him from his window and they would communicate like that. Maybe they would get closer and closer, before ending up kissing in the grass like Pink-haired and Eye-smile, on a bright spring sunday.

 

His daydreaming is interrupted by the light turning on in front. His heart flutters in his chest out of excitement as the mere thought of getting to get to sleep to the cute neighbor getting to bed too ; but the second after, the scene he witnesses makes it sink right to his stomach. Ken is kissing another man. Quite hungrily, if he could say so. Wonshik perfectly knows that he hasn't any reason to feel mad, or jealous, for that matter, because they never talked and Ken doesn't even know he's the one sending those flowers, but a sense of possessivity takes the best of him as he curses at the short boy making out with his cute neighbor. He feels upset even though he shouldn't, because he wants himself to be in place of that shortie, kissing and hugging Ken ; but here he is, two layers of glass and quite a bunch of meters of air apart, forced to watch him without getting to touch him, even in the slightest bit.

 

His hopes falters as soon as they blossomed, two weeks earlier, and he closes his curtains.

 

On his desk, the heather flower pot is left out to oblivion.

 

Heather flower - mystery, secret longing.

 

 

---

Quick survey: on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you hate author-nim?

I'm so sorry guys, but fluff must stop for a while. Now starts the real deal. So be ready for Neo (hopefully within the week or next week).