36. HAPPY

“I love it.”

These are the first words Ryeowook speaks to Kyungsoo when he steps into his office a whole fifteen minutes before the school bell, a few days after Jongin’s birthday. Kyungsoo had taken his boyfriend’s advice and emailed Ryeowook the song straight after the support group session - full of nerves but spurred on by Jongin’s praise and his own love for the piece. It hadn’t taken all that long for Ryeowook to respond, but when he had it was only to request an in-person meeting to talk things over. The lack of immediate feedback had been unnerving, and also very unlike Ryeowook; in the past, the ex-music-tutor would never keep Kyungsoo in the dark for too long when it came to his singing and writing, especially when the appraisal was good. For all of these reasons, Kyungsoo had made the walk to school with great trepidation, already anticipating and psyching himself up for a scathing review.

Ryeowook’s words now though shock him, and some of the worry that had settled in his heart starts to dissipate.

“You do?” The words leave Kyungsoo’s mouth shakily, unable to mask his relief.

Ryeowook lifts up a paper from his desk and Kyungsoo sees his song; Ryeowook always prints out his songs for analysis, and even from here Kyungsoo can see the annotations that fill the paper - copious circles and exclamation marks, underlines, a bombardment of smiley faces -, a happy review if ever Kyungsoo saw one. “Kyungsoo, this is amazing,” Ryeowook assures with vigour, shaking the music sheet in his hand for added emphasis. “The best work I’ve ever seen from you.”

“I- really?” Kyungsoo blinks. This, he hadn’t really been expecting. He loved this song, sure, but he wasn’t sure if it was the type of love that everyone would be able to share - especially when the lyrics are so personalised to him and his own experience with Jongin. This amount of praise then, the certainty by which Ryeowook has made such a statement, steals through Kyungsoo; without help, he feels a lump start to build in his throat, and pinpricks at the back of his eyes.

In all honestly, he has been scared for a long time that he wouldn’t still have the talent he used to a few years back; he had believed that lack of practice might’ve destroyed it all. But hearing Ryeowook’s reassurance, as his past music tutor who knows his original standard, puts his heart at ease like nothing else could, and he is struck with an overwhelming sense of relief.

“I’m... really glad you like it,” Kyungsoo says honestly, clearing his throat, trying to mask his affectation.

Ryeowook has never been stupid; his expression softens. He steps out from behind his desk and approaches Kyungsoo where he is still standing by the door, and his smile is so gentle as he looks his way that Kyungsoo stares numbly back and wonders how he lived these many years without it.

Ryeowook reaches out, resting a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “I love it,” he repeats, staring Kyungsoo directly in the eyes as he evokes the words. “You don’t have to worry, Kyungsoo. I know what you’re thinking, but you haven’t lost any talent - the opposite, in fact. Your songs and your singing now are more emotive and mature than I’ve ever heard them be from you, Kyungsoo. You should be proud.” He assures, sincerity in his tone. Kyungsoo manages a smile back, unable now to stop the tears that shine in his eyes.

“Thank you, Ryeowook,” he breathes. Ryeowook’s smile only brightens even more in response. He takes his hand away and leans back against his desk, brow raising and a twinkle in his eyes.

“So, who’s it about?” He asks then, unexpectedly.

Kyungsoo actually feels his heart jump in his chest, and he can’t hide his embarrassment beneath Ryeowook’s teasing stare. Thankfully, his ex-tutor takes pity on him and laughs so he doesn’t have to respond. He does lean forward though and give Kyungsoo’s hair a soft but swift ruffle.

“Kyungsoo, you haven’t changed,” he remarks fondly, peeling back with a smile plastered on his face.

Kyungsoo is stumped on a response for a moment, mouth hanging open, but when he recovers he grouches. “You and my sister are the same,” he grumbles. “Always teasing me.”

“Eun-Seo?”

Kyungsoo’s brows raise, struck by Ryeowook’s tone and by the way he suddenly seems to be avoiding eye-contact and acting nonchalant.

“I… only have one sister,” Kyungsoo says slowly, scrutinising Ryeowook’s reaction.

His gaze flickers momentarily and he hums with a make of disinterest that is clearly feigned. “Yes, yes, of course. How’s ...Eun-Seo been recently?”

Kyungsoo raises a brow. Maybe Eun-Seo’s interest isn’t so one-sided, he thinks.

“She’s been fine,” Kyungsoo grants, purposefully vague. A smile stretches across his face. “You know you can just... phone her and ask her for yourself, right?”

“Haha, yes, yes, I know,” Ryeowook clears his throat and turns around to settle back behind his desk, not seeing Kyungsoo’s victorious smile fixed to his retreating back. “Go on off, then,” he waves Kyungsoo away, and Kyungsoo would be blind not to see the slight dusting of pink in his cheeks.

Very interested, he notes in his head.

“Right,” Kyungsoo smiles and turns away, but not before hesitating at the door to throw out a, “she’s single, by the way!”, chuckling all the way down the hallway at the way Ryeowook’s eyes bulge.

“So, what did he say?” Jongin asks Kyungsoo now.

It’s breaktime at school and they’ve found a quiet place in the courtyard to talk and catch-up. Somewhere in the distance, the bumble of talking, laughing students reaches them, but there’s a cozy stillness to the place that makes school seem far away.

“He loved it.” Kyungsoo admits, now unable to hide his smile. In the meeting with Ryeowook it hadn’t really hit him, but now the happiness of having written something that he likes and that’s good enough to share hits him full force.

Jongin breaks out into his wide beautiful smile and Kyungsoo feels his heart tremble. “I knew he would,” Jongin beams and then without warning, before Kyungsoo can react, he shoots forward and pulls Kyungsoo into a hug.

Kyungsoo gasps in surprise - an exhale of breath over Jongin’s shoulder. “Jongin,” he admonishes, trying weakly to pull back, but Jongin only clings on tighter. “Jong, we’re at school,” Kyungsoo laughs, even as he sinks into the embrace with a fond sigh.

“And we’re alone,” Jongin ripostes, “and you deserve a hug.” He curls his head down, and he’s so warm and close. When he speaks next it’s soft and his lips brush against Kyungsoo’s hair, “I’m so proud of you, Soo.”

Kyungsoo smiles, melting further into his boyfriend’s arms. He didn’t realise how much he likes to hear that - that he’s making someone proud. All these years, without his singing and his writing, thoughts of pride and other forms of praise (usually about his studying) would barely touch him. It means so much more when it is something he loves so much.

They pull away eventually (with much whining and pouting from Jongin that makes Kyungsoo secretly pleased) and wander back to the main playground to join the rest of their cohort.

Eyes follow them as they come into view.

Since Jongin’s coming out, their fellow students have stared openly upon their appearing together, but where Kyungsoo had been anticipating only shrewd and judging eyes, he has been surprised to see a few that are bright and kind – shining out like stars in the great expanse of dark night sky. Kyungsoo is starting to realise that through all the years of believing himself to be observant, he might’ve been missing something glaringly obvious this whole time - something the leader himself had noticed long before him: not all of the students around him hate him.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo calls as they walk. “Have you noticed that… well, that school for us-“

“Isn’t as bad as before?” Jongin finishes, chuckling when Kyungsoo nods furtively.

“It wasn’t just me, then?”

“No, I had noticed,” Jongin assures, still smiling wide. “Most of my dance friends are chill about me to be honest, and I haven’t gotten much from people. You know, someone in my English class even saw us together and started asking if we were a couple? He said we looked cute the other day.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes bulge. “Really?” He asks. He knows that there are people in South Korea who are accepting, but he hadn’t really been expecting to see such a display in school - a place where he’s only ever had negative experiences with people in regards to their views on his uality. It’s been strange to notice the odd person in the crowd then who doesn’t seem perturbed when Jongin and Kyungsoo together, and even stranger to see some smiling. Really, if Jongin hadn’t just confirmed the observation himself, Kyungsoo would’ve thought it had been all in his head.

“Really.” Jongin confirms, breaking him from his reverie. “Word for word.”

“Hmm, what did you say?”

Jongin’s smile stretches, but the curve of it has turned teasing. “I said you are cute, yeah, of course I’d noticed.”

Kyungsoo gapes and whacks Jongin gently on the arm, heat filling his cheeks. “Jongin,” he admonishes again.

Jongin laughs raucously and leans down slightly. “That’s right, Soo, give them more ammo.”

It takes Kyungsoo a minute to understand the words and even then it’s only from Jongin’s direct gesticulation to a group of girls trained on their antics with shining eyes that has him realising they’re being watched.

“Oh my god, I thought we agreed to keep this quiet,” Kyungsoo ducks his head, trying to hide his putrid cheeks.

Some of the mirth in Jongin’s eyes dissipates, replaced by something warmer. He taps on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, a request to meet his eyes, “I know. I know, and I still agree. I haven’t told anyone and I don’t plan to anytime soon, Soo. This can just be ours for a bit longer.”

Kyungsoo’s gaze soften, some of the fear which had struck him dissipating, stirred by the sincerity in Jongin’s eyes.

At this moment though Taemin suddenly rushes up to them, breaking their eye contact, and he looks between them both with a huge grin adorning his face. “You ers.” He evokes, shaking his head to himself.

Jongin leans down towards Kyungsoo again. “Okay, so I haven’t told anyone, except Taemin,” he corrects.

Jongin goes to his place a lot now.

Mostly to revise for their coming mock exams, but sometimes to make out, which is fun for both of them and is great for exploring. Kyungsoo realises he likes kissing a swell into Jongin’s lower lip, and the feeling of Jongin’s fingers twining into the strands of his hair to guide him closer. He also learns that he has a verysensitive neck - something Jongin discovers firsthand one time after Kyungsoo had pulled back for breath during a particular session, and Jongin had only moved down to continue his ministrations eagerly over the skin beneath Kyungsoo’s shirt collar. He probably hadn’t been expecting the sounds that had escaped Kyungsoo’s lips at the sudden move (thank goodness Eun-Seo had not been in to make fun) even more than Kyungsoo hadn’t, but he’s now taken to teasing Kyungsoo with this new-found information at any given opportunity - whether that be through his words, or through an unexpected peck of his lips against Kyungsoo’s neck when his victim is least expecting it.

“Stop it!” Kyungsoo blushes today as Jongin does just that: a string of three firm kisses when Kyungsoo turns to his textbook, checking his answers with the mark scheme’s. “We’re supposed to be studying!” He admonishes, so flustered that he has to check the answer again with a soft tut.

Jongin chuckles, leaning forward to rest his chin on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, hot breath fanning purposefully over Kyungsoo’s neck. “I am,” he argues. “I am ‘studying’ this expanse of skin...” he whispers, reaching up and swiping a finger over the spoken area.

Kyungsoo shivers, closing his eyes for a short second, but he very quickly straightens in place and drags Jongin’s finger firmly back down. “I should’ve been pre-warned about my boyfriend’s amorous personality,” he faux-hisses, turning to a new page in his notebook with a pout on his face. “Maybe I would’ve reconsidered my acceptance,” Kyungsoo jokes.

Jongin pouts all big and pretty at the words, leaning back and fiddling with his own near-untouched notepad. “Maybe I should’ve been pre-warned about how tempting my boyfriend is when he makes all those nice sounds-“

“Jongin!” Kyungsoo’s cheeks are definitely flaming when he brings his notebook up and whacks it on top of the taller’s head, taking short satisfaction in the grumble it evokes in him.

“Fine, fine,” Jongin concedes, though he’s smiling brightly as he says it. “I mean, it’s true, but fine, I’ll do work.” He laughs, taking in the last words quick to avoid the threatening raise of Kyungsoo’s notebook once more.

“Good,” Kyungsoo comments at his success, but the blush lingers. If he’s being honest, he’s secretly pleased by Jongin’s inability to keep his hands off of him. It makes him happy, and their jokes like this back and forth also lift his mood. He also loves how casual it’s now become: to steal a kiss, to hold hands, to be able to simply reach out for one another without thinking it’s wrong to. It’s something Kyungsoo is enjoying getting used to.

They go back to work, but the distraction has made Kyungsoo’s mind wander. A question comes to him - one that’s been plaguing his mind ever since he and Jongin first got together.

“Hey, Jongin...”

“Hm?”

Kyungsoo nibbles harshly at his lower lip, and he has to close his eyes to get the words out. “Had you ever... kissed anyone? Before me, I mean.” He asks, trying to not sound as curious as he truly is.

Jongin responds plainly, voice unwavering. “Yes. My first kiss was a random girl at a party, as a dare and then- well, then, Taemin, actually.”

Kyungsoo’s pen slips out of his hand and onto his pad of paper. “I’m sorry, what? Taemin?” He repeats incredulously. “Really?”

“Yes, Taemin,” Jongin chuckles at his shocked face. “I mean he’s straight and all but it made sense at the time.”

When Kyungsoo only continues to stare unabashedly, lips still parted in his surprise, Jongin laughs again and concedes, “okay, okay, I’ll tell the story.

“I’d just kissed the girl - maybe it was a week after. And I was telling Taemin that I was confused because it didn’t feel right or good or anything like I expected. And I was wondering if it was just because there were no feelings or anything. And then Taemin just said he ‘didn’t think so’.” Jongin puts those words in quotation marks. “And so I asked what he did think and then, in a very very Taemin sort of way, he just sort of leant forward and kissed me.” Jongin chuckles here, clearly reminiscing on the sudden moment.

“I- wasn’t that weird?” Kyungsoo asks, mind still reeling from this revelation.

“Nah, it wasn’t weird. I get why he did it and even though I’m not attracted to Taemin at all. Like, at all.” He emphasises here, looking Kyungsoo’s way with obvious sincerity. “It was a good, good kiss. And that’s just because he was a guy.” Jongin explains with a shrug. “In any case, I got what he was trying to make me realise. Even if it was such a weird way to do it,” he laughs again. “Taemin definitely helped me realise who I am.”

Kyungsoo hums to show he’s still listening, though his mind is definitely running at 100mph at this newfound information. Jongin and Taemin have kissed? Honestly, you’d never guess from how they interact, but he supposes that was Jongin’s point - it didn’t change their friendship a single bit and that definitely shows.

“Hm…” Kyungsoo speaks aloud, and now he can’t stop picturing it, can’t stop thinking about how that might’ve happened and what they must’ve looked like and-

“Okay,” Kyungsoo breathes, cheeks slightly hot. He shuns the thought away and focuses back on Jongin, only to find Jongin staring intently his way with those piercing, ever-knowing brown eyes. “I- what?” Kyungsoo asks, unnerved by the way Jongin’s smile is stretching.

“Kyungsoo,” he speaks softly, “Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo.” He shakes his head from side-to-side at each pronouncement of his name. “And you call yourself innocent?”

Kyungsoo balks and groans, picking up a pillow to attack his annoying boyfriend with as he explodes into a pile of laughter beneath the attack - one which very quickly turns into a full-blown pillow fight when Jongin gets into a position to retaliate.

And even as Kyungsoo gets whacked in the face with cotton, even as one of the pillow rips at the side and showers them in a whirlwind of white feathers that will be impossible to clean up later, he’s happy.

He’s happy.