28. YOUR FACE RESEMBLES HOPE TO ME

Jongin is out. On purpose.

Kyungsoo can’t believe it. It feels like a dream - only a terrible, strange kind that is somehow, impossibly, a reality.

Since he’d found out the story behind the ever-present, school-hallway buzz, Kyungsoo has wandered around like he is on a different plane to the people around him, everything strangely muted, and the snippets of conversation he hears around him a great, unintelligible blur. The only word he can pick out with each and every gush of it, is Jongin’s name, and the varying tones behind it - scandal, exhilaration, wariness - for each time he is mentioned.

Kyungsoo can’t help it - worry plagues him, clutches a tight hold of his form for the whole school day, only made worse by the fact that, since Jongin’s grand announcement, the boy himself has completely disappeared, no one having heard from or seen him at all around the school grounds. It doesn’t stop Kyungsoo from looking of course - in his break-time and lunch hours he visits all the places he reckons Jongin might go: the dance studios, the abandoned courtyard, empty classrooms - even the alcove behind the bike sheds. But it seems indubitable now that he must have skipped the rest of the day and wandered somewhere beyond the school walls, as each searching place draws up a blank, and for every time Kyungsoo looks and sees no familiar head of chocolate brown hair in sight, his heart just sinks further and further into his chest.

His only hope now, though he knows it might be a bare one, is the support group session. Before this event, Kyungsoo hadn’t been inclined to go, sure Jongin might return now the showcase is over and doubting whether he would be able to handle such an encounter. Yet, in such a short amount of time, Kyungsoo now is hardly able to wait for the session hours to come, hoping Jongin will be there like he’d once believed the taller indubitably would. How extraordinary it is - the way things change, the events that make such changes happen. Kyungsoo never could have predicted Jongin’s moves of today - even now, even with hours dwelling, Kyungsoo cannot understand such an action. After everything Jongin said to him - his weakness, his fear of people from school finding him out - it makes no sense. It seems that just when Kyungsoo thinks he understands the boy a little more, he is proven wrong.

In the end, all he wishes for is Jongin’s safety, and he aches that, wherever he may be right now, he is feeling better than Kyungsoo had felt in the same position four years ago now.

When Kyungsoo reaches the support group centre, just on time, he can’t help but to hesitate a few paces from the door. Now the hour has come, he feels oddly hesitant; the idea of Jongin being here, real, in the flesh, is somehow terrifying. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what he’d say or do - there’s so much, too much that he doesn’t know where to even begin. Mostly, he has questions, wonders - why did you do it? Did something bad happen? How are you now? Are you okay? - but what he also wants, more than anything else right now, is to just grab the taller boy and hug him tight.

Even though it was a while ago now, Kyungsoo still vividly remembers how it had felt when he was outed - how scary, how incessantly terrifying the situation had been: to have everyone against him, everyone talking and gossiping about him in such harsh and negative ways. Kyungsoo’s coming out had been a little different - not voluntary, definitely misunderstood, with a tale behind it too, though Kyungsoo doesn’t much like to think about all of that. The one thing he does often dwell on, or remember in his worse moments, is the pain of it all, the hurt, how alone he had felt. To have just been hugged, even held, straight after that time - Kyungsoo thinks that that physical piece of contact is one of the clearest ways of saying I’m here. You aren’t alone. I’m with you. And it would’ve been so reassuring just to have had, to have felt that during such a time.

Please, he prays. I’ll do that for him, I’ll be here, but just please let him be behind these doors. He thinks aimlessly, unsure himself about who he’s even speaking to. Just let me see him, today.

He breathes in, holds it, steps forward to look through the glass doors of the group hall and- and-

Everything sinks.

Kyungsoo’s gaze darts back and forth what must be ten times in the space of a few seconds, careful and speculative, re-checking every back of the head in place and counting those already present - praying that he’s read it wrong.

But, Jongin isn’t among them. Kyungsoo’s heart feels like a deadweight in his chest, and something prickles at his throat, the back of his eyes. It’s just a big part of him had, without him even realising, been too hopeful, expecting without a doubt that Jongin would have come. That he’s wrong, that Kyungsoo won’t be able to see him, speak to him, be there, hits Kyungsoo like a ton of bricks. He feels suddenly as if someone’s just reached through his skin and coiled a tight fist around his windpipe - the air leaving him slowly, heavily, a languid ooze through a bare opening - and for a crazed, nervy moment he fears that what he’s feeling is the beginning of another panic attack.

But, about this at least, he’s wrong - this type of pain is less physical, less in-your-face, less ‘I’m out to hurt you’. Kyungsoo’s breath isn’t literally stolen, trapped out, blocked by a panicked malfunction of his system, but it feels like it is - the worry, the despair, gripping a hold of him like the world’s supply has all pent up and joined forces to target him in this one moment.

Kyungsoo stops; breathes with more focus, more endeavour. It works, and then it doesn’t, and then his airways are in this weird state where they’re both prickling in warning of tears and working desperately hard to take in more breath at the same time. It’s all too confusing, too exhausting to keep up with - Kyungsoo doesn’t even know if his body is working for him right now - so he halts and takes control of one thing: he stops himself from crying, is done with crying for a whole lifetime, and that control makes him think.

Part of him just wants to leave - he only really wanted to come for Jongin, and without the taller there he knows he won’t be able to focus on anything other than his lack of presence -, but a small wisp of hope remains - that he may come, that he’s just late, caught in traffic or in other business - and Kyungsoo clings to that like a lifeline.

The session starts, and he tries to listen, engage - the reason why he’s supposed to be here in the first place - but instead he finds his eyes flickering, magnetised, back towards those clear glass doors in soundless hope for that familiar form to make itself known - each unsuccessful attempt forcing Kyungsoo’s heart to sink lower and lower in his chest. The glances dither, turn less frequent, and Kyungsoo’s hands coil into fists by his side at the ache of it all.

Then, quite from nowhere, when Kyungsoo’s hopes have reached rock bottom-

“Hey, look who showed his face!”

Kyungsoo’s heart races, but he daren’t look, can’t bring himself to - he’s paralysed, form stiff and taut, unmoving where he is sat. His body, in this moment, traps him, to the point where he’s barely breathing - chest puffed out and lips pinched firmly shut.

And it’s only when he hears a response, a distant “yeah-“ in that same familiar voice, that voice, that he looks up sharply from his lap.

Jongin settles himself soundlessly down in a chair a little across the circle and in Kyungsoo’s eye-line, Jongdae babbling words by his side that seem to be going to deft ears, and for the first time since he’d heard of Jongin’s announcement, Kyungsoo let’s himself breathe - a deep, shaky breath that comes from his whole body.

It’s strange - the instant relief seeing just his face alone brings. It washes through Kyungsoo like cool wind, a great, comforting force that grips him from head to toe. Even though Jongin looks terrible, like he hasn’t slept a wink, eyes bloodshot red with a dark, arching shadow casted over and around them, Kyungsoo is breathing again.

Jongin doesn’t look at him, doesn’t really look at anyone; he settles so that he can rest his chin in his hands, and then stares distantly at the wooden flooring before them, miles away. Kyungsoo wants to guide his face up, meet his gaze. Look at me, he wants to say. I’m here for you. But Jongin doesn’t give him the chance.

The group happenings must restart, a usual progress session as per their Friday routine, but Kyungsoo‘s gaze is fixated to Jongin - the words around him an unintelligible blue. Whilst the boy isn’t looking, he takes him all in - with enough time, the red of his eyes seem even darker, more widespread, his lips full and relaxed in a way that’s oddly heart-rending, and there are signs of wear and worry by the way the tendons in his hand turn prominent and fade in split second changes - like Jongin’s clenching and unclenching his fists with his thoughts. How Kyungsoo wishes he could read those thoughts, hear all the things currently worrying in the taller’s mind. His own, he recalls, had been a mess after coming out. It makes the urge to hug the other boy even stronger, more difficult to ignore; Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone look like they need one more.

Look at me, Kyungsoo thinks again, tone more pleading, more yearning, even in his own head. He wants the taller’s eyes, wants them for his own - wants to see those brown orbs, even in their pain, and figure him out. But Jongin won’t give him the chance, the reign, stubborn in how his gaze fixes to the ground without wavering.

Kyungsoo curls his fingers under his chair, teeth digging into his lower lip as he suppresses the urge to go the other boy, take his face in his hands, see those eyes from up close. It’s torture; Kyungsoo feels so many emotions building up within him, fluttering at a precipice, having to wait for the taller to glance up first.

He only re-enters the group when it seems Jongdae, sat by Jongin’s side, is done with what he’s got to share, and the group looks to Jongin in an eerie sort of tandem to hear his spoken words.

Kyungsoo watches, attention rapt, breath caught in his throat, as Jongin - for the first time since taking his initial position, moves, leaning down to press his chin into the palms of his hand - curling his head once, twice each way in his palms like the lulling, enchanting movement of a metronome. Then he looks up, still not to anyone’s faces but a little higher, a little further across the floor, and speaks to the room.

“I came out to my school today.”

The silence which follows is so severe, so resolute, that Kyungsoo could probably have heard a pin drop if it weren’t for the steady pounding of his heart filling his ears. He’s sure the members must be shocked, startled at such a proclamation and the ease to which Jongin had spoken it, but Kyungsoo doesn’t look, can’t tear his gaze away from the taller for a long enough second to. And then-

“, okay, you win.”

“Jongdae language-“ Yixing reflexively chastises, but his gaze stays firmly fixated to Jongin, a sudden worry spreading over his features, “-and what? Jongin, you came out? Voluntarily?” He questions, tone turning more and more distressed with each spoken word, but Jongin waves the questions away with a flick of his hand.

“Yep.” He says as the only thing, the -p popping in a way Kyungsoo has never heard Jongin do before, and he’s so inexplicably scared. He can’t help but to stare Jongin’s way, eyes searching and soft - full, he knows, with emotions he has no effort nor desire to hide - but the other boy still does not turn to meet his gaze, and it’s excruciating.

“Why?” Chanyeol’s the one who asks it, confusion scrawled across his face. “Weren’t you worried about that? How can you say it so casually?”

Jongin, at these words, heaves a deep, full-body sigh, leaning heavily down and resting his elbows on his knees with his head held in his hands.

“I wasn’t just worried, I was terrified.” Jongin laughs with no humour, and Kyungsoo’s eyes water a little when he sees the way that, through the gap in the boy’s palms, his expression falters for a split, split second, the pain in them potent and undeniable.

“So?” Luhan prods, asking for the explanation that everyone around the circle seems to soundlessly want as well. But Kyungsoo is barely focused on them, barely acknowledging, his gaze intent instead on Jongin as he curls a little higher up and breathes through his hands-

“I guess I was just... more scared of something else.” He gets out eventually. “Well...” At this his head tilts, and through the crooks of his arm Kyungsoo sees an eye, fixing to him with purpose. “Of losing something else, really.” He emphasises, gaze dropping slowly back to the ground, and Kyungsoo can’t bear it.

Before he can think about it too much, Kyungsoo stands, walks a few sharp and fast steps forward, and, with gentle, swift hands and a precision he doesn’t even need to think about, cradles Jongin’s head into the soft place between his stomach and torso - the fit so smooth and instant that Kyungsoo can’t help but feel that he was supposed to do this a long, long time ago.

“Idiot,” He croaks with no real bite, fingers through Jongin’s hair so easily that it surprises even himself. Something to the movement is natural, even soothing, and when he feels Jongin sigh heavily against him and coil fingers into his coat, shoulders drooping and form deflating, it hits him full force right then and there that he is in love with Kim Jongin.

Just like that. Just that simply. Kyungsoo feels it, without reason or explanation - he’s in love.

“Not an idiot,” Jongin mumbles against Kyungsoo’s form, childish and pouty to anyone’s ears. Kyungsoo can’t help but to guffaw at the words, guiding the boy gently back to glare at him through the fast-growing tears in his eyes.

“You are an idiot if you did that for me.” Kyungsoo snaps back, two tears peeling from his eyes and down his cheeks in matching rivulets. “That’s a stupid, stupid reason, Jongin, a stupid reason.” He cries, voice coming out hoarse and weak.

“No- no,” Jongin’s fingers, in his coat, coil a little more tightly as he peers up at Kyungsoo through those warm, warm, chocolate eyes, and Kyungsoo’s heart pounds. “You’re not a stupid reason-“

“I am if you weren’t ready to do that-“

“No.” Jongin cuts in again, shaking his head back and forth, “I don’t know if I was ready, sure, but I don’t think I could’ve handled another day in that school watching you face everything alone. I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself.” Jongin says, the words coming out in a rush as he stares into Kyungsoo’s eyes - neither party caring for their soundless audience sat in the circle around them. He looks so raw, so open as he goes on, voice tapering off so he’s just barely speaking above a whisper - but Kyungsoo could’ve heard his next words even if he’d spoken them from miles away, heart pounding hard at their utterance alone.

“I care about you too much.” His fingers tighten, head tilting down so his next words are spoken into Kyungsoo’s shirt-

“I like you too much.”

Even muffled, Kyungsoo’s hears them loud and clear, and his mind short-circuits - like a thousand fireworks going off in his head all at once. His mouth opens - aimless, wordless - and in the end his face scrunches up a little resignedly, fingers curling between Jongin’s locks of hair as a sigh spills unbidden from between his lips.

“I still don’t forgive you,” he grumbles in that same weak voice, the bite hard to show when in amongst it all a part of him is just comforted by the taller, his presence, the feel of his form against his own.

Jongin peaks up at him suddenly, and his gaze is serious, fierce with an adamance that Kyungsoo has never seen in him before. “Of course,” he agrees, barely missing a beat, “but I’ll make it up to you.” He promises so resolutely that Kyungsoo can only stare blankly back, mouth needlessly open, at a loss for how he can respond to such a clear, convinced vow. It’s just that Kyungsoo has always told himself that Jongin ‘making it up to him’ is precisely the one thing he’ll never need from the other boy, that Kyungsoo’s issues shouldn’t and do not have to be a part of anyone else’s. Yet, in knowing Jongin better these past weeks and becoming more personally acquainted with him, it seems things have changed; where before Jongin walking away had been like any other person doing the same, now Jongin walking away has felt like something far more, like something substantial. Kyungsoo doesn’t need Jongin to make things up to him, no, but even he cannot deny how rest-assured it renders him to know that Jongin now understands how important he is in Kyungsoo’s life - to the point where letting Kyungsoo be cornered hurts, and walking away from him is like a tear in the heart - and that he is very much as capable of bringing pain to Kyungsoo as he is of bringing happiness.

Kyungsoo opens his mouth, though unsure of how he’d been planning to proceed, when-

“ yeah, Luhan pay up.”

The sudden announcement makes the both of them remember, briefly, where they are, Kyungsoo turning with his hands still in place and Jongin only twisting his head to blink questioningly around, staring at Jongdae (who had spoken) for an explanation. Instead, the two watch as Luhan sullenly hands over money, lips curled in blatant aggravation.

“Hm?” Kyungsoo hums first, unable to help himself, fingers frozen in Jongin’s hair.

Jongdae grins a full, face-stretching grin.

“I bet that you’d be the first couple to officially form within this group.” He sings. “Not counting Sulay ofc.”

“We’re not a couple.”

Jongin and Kyungsoo say it as the same time, Kyungsoo’s thoughtless and painful but the strongest sentence he’s managed to get out since last night. His hand falls instantly to his throat and they look awkwardly each other’s way, blushes forming over their cheeks. It seems like enough for the both of them to realise they’re proximity and position for it’s only a moment after that they awkwardly begin to unwind, neither meeting the other’s eyes as they do so.

“You’re not?” Jongdae sounds surprised and dejected, staring between them like a puppy who’s just been kicked.

“I- no-“ Kyungsoo starts to say, throat on fire, but-

“Not yet.” Jongin butts in, and then he seems to hear what he’s just said and he splutters out a litany of unintelligible words, snippets that Kyungsoo catches like, “wait, I wasn’t supposed to-“ and “well, hopefully-“ and also “I don’t know where that came from-“

Kyungsoo can’t help it - the declaration is so unexpected, so flustering without warning that he can only stare disbelievingly Jongin’s way, eyes trailing over the way cheeks already red bloom in a more potent blush, painful in how endearing it is. It makes Kyungsoo remember the realisation he’d made just seconds before, that Jongin is someone he isn’t just crushing on, but someone who he loves, the big L, and when did that happen? Since when has Kyungsoo been looking at this boy and feeling this, this inexplicable, immeasurable kind of fondness he’s never quite felt before.

“HA, okay,” Luhan butts in garishly loud, “give the money back, my couple still has a chance!-“

“ing no, those two are probably going to start making out the minute this session is over-

“Luhan, Jongdae, please be less crass with your words!” Yixing’s exasperated voice makes Kyungsoo laugh without being able to stop, and he smiles wider when Jongin laughs too - just as unrestrained but especially more beautiful, more exquisite on such a day where Kyungsoo reckons laughter has been a lot harder for the taller boy.

At the end of the session, without any prior discussion to do so, Jongin and Kyungsoo meet between the support group centre’s hallways, like they’d lost themselves in before, all those days ago.

“How do you feel?” Kyungsoo speaks first, the question leaving his lips swiftly, the one he’d been dying to ask the most in the last hour and a half and that had been playing like a tease over his mouth.

Jongin smiles, clearly amused by the answer he’s about to give. “Like you should stop speaking so much.” He says, lips peeling slowly up.

Kyungsoo matches his grin, a small chuckle escaping his throat. It’s probably just his mind playing tricks, but the pain he’d been feeling from last night seems somehow dulled since the very moment he’d heard Jongin’s voice and turned to see him approaching the support group circle. If he thinks back to how he was then, Kyungsoo feels a little happier seeing the way their is now some semblance of life in Jongin’s face that hadn’t been there just an hour earlier - a dust of colour over his features, in the plush of his lips.

“Your voice...” Jongin speaks suddenly, and Kyungsoo his head with a soft smile on his face and patience to his form. Jongin swallows, stares back like he’s thought of something he doesn’t dare think, but then goes on with a swivel of his head back and forth. “Your voice still hurts, right?” He finishes, tone a little lamed, face twisting in a splatter of guilt he can’t shield - like he’s been shot with it.

A soft croon escapes Kyungsoo’s lips without command and he shakes his head back and forth, stepping closer into Jongin’s personal space so that his neck bends further and further back - Jongin’s moving in tandem the opposite way - to accommodate the new angle.

The world looks different here, feels different, Kyungsoo thinks idly. Everything is a little more private, a little more hot and slow when Jongin is so close and so present. Kyungsoo loves the hush such a proximity brings over them, the way their bodies - though still untouching - mould, curl together naturally.

In lieu of words, he his lips and curls his fingers out until they find Jongin’s hand, wants to be there, resting in a loose hold that he doesn’t even dare a cursive glance to. The brush of their skin is electric, even with so innocent a form of contact, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know where to rest his eyes. And just when he feels as if he should pull back, peel away, embarrassed by the action, Jongin’s fingers move suddenly around his own - a bit tighter, more congruent, so that the fit between their hands is smooth and the hold less shy. He squeezes, brief but meaningful, and Kyungsoo’s stomach flutters insanely from within, the action muddling up what he’d been about to say.

“Not so much,” he gets out eventually, a fib, not allowing Jongin the chance to dispute him, “and just- answer my question first.” He insists softly, a croon even to his own ears.

Jongin’s eyes visibly twinkle, a soft kind of glint almost mischievous in nature, but the hush is still there, still dense and heated in the air: it feels like they should be whispering, and maybe they already are but Kyungsoo’s not been realising it.

“Only if you promise to stop speaking.” Jongin proposes in response, lips twitching at the sides.

God, it all feels so personal, flirty, even when there’s nothing talked about, nothing confirmed between them, and Kyungsoo feels warm. How can a couple of people who are not a couple act so couple-y? Kyungsoo blushes at the notion alone, feels the heat radiating from his skin; maybe, with their proximity, Jongin can feel the heat too. And more blushing, harder - redder - at that thought. Kyungsoo curses his skin for letting him blush.

He smiles weakly, nods, acquiescing to Jongin’s demand, and the smile he gets back is short and barely-there, more like a ripple of his lips than a tug of them upward, but nonetheless- maybe even more - spectacular. Kyungsoo marvels at how such a small movement from the boy can render him so smitten.

“I’m... a little scared.” Jongin admits eventually, and Kyungsoo’s heart aches. The way he evokes the words is soft, hesitant - young in ways Jongin has never before seemed in Kyungsoo’s eyes - even as his expression doesn’t waver.

Kyungsoo harrumphs at him, fixing him with a stern look, and Jongin’s crooning face slips away in resignation, to be replaced instead by one with more tire and far more honesty.

“Well, okay, I’m a lot scared,” he admits eventually, smiling through tighter lips, and Kyungsoo moves even closer still to listen, attention rapt on Jongin. “More of school than home. I don’t really think my parents would care...” He trails off, purses his lips and darts vacant eyes past Kyungsoo as he thinks. “But, honestly... I didn’t realise how relieved I would feel.” He admits, shoulders visibly sagging before Kyungsoo’s eyes. “It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and - even though I technically wasn’t lying before - it feels like I can stop living a lie.” Jongin’s nose scrunches, and he blinks his vacancy away, tilting his head to meet Kyungsoo’s gaze. “I don’t know, is that stupid?”

Kyungsoo smiles softly, shakes his head a gentle no. He remembers similar thoughts running through his mind in the same situation all those years back. Even though the way he’d come out had been horrendous to deal with and had, also, been paired with something like heartache, he remembers in that first week how, even amongst the sadness and stress, he’d felt light - uncontrollable, inexplicable relief.

He’d had other stuff to deal with at the time, more drama than Jongin, more of a talked-about story, but it’s a situation that’s different for everyone, and often not easy; if there’s anyone who understands Jongin right now, it would be Kyungsoo.

To try to get across what he’s thinking without speaking aloud, Kyungsoo squeezes the hand he still has over Jongin’s - a short, lulling press of skin-on-skin, and they’re gazes meet more intently than before.

“In any case...” Jongin begins softly, pupils shining in the light of the hallway, “I think I’ll be okay, strong, if you’re here.”

Warmth fills Kyungsoo’s cheeks at the statement, and he hears his heartbeat like it’s playing out on loud speakers. He opens his mouth to say something, explain away his obvious fluster, but Jongin tuts aloud before he can.

”Your promise,” he reminds faux sternly, startling a laugh from Kyungsoo. Jongin’s eyes are glossy, openly fond as he watches, and the sound tapers out - something heavier, more substantial, settling in the space between them. Kyungsoo doesn’t have to ask for Jongin’s clarification, and maybe it’s clear, in his patient gaze, and the way he leaves a silence open, for Jongin goes on-

“I don’t know why.” He starts a little unsurely, but then his expression ticks, and Kyungsoo sees him gain resolve to speak the truth. “But your face it- your face resembles hope to me.”

If Kyungsoo thought he’d felt warmth before, it is nothing compared to the sudden influx of joyful heat that curls over where his heart sits, spreading fast and up into his cheeks in a speckled-red blush. His lips part, natural and doleful even at a loss for words, and he daren’t tear his gaze away from the boy before him, even when Jongin chuckles suddenly - a little awkward, a lot attractive - to ease the static in the air.

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, eyes curled into soft crescents, “maybe it’s because you’ve been through this but-“

He stops, fixes his eyes to Kyungsoo’s in a different, purposeful way - like an open conversation has formed abruptly between them. There’s so much there Kyungsoo wishes he could read, could understand, but even laid out so plainly before him Kyungsoo can’t hope to comprehend it all.

Jongin swallows visibly, lips settling into a soft, almost-doting smile and Kyungsoo is really just gone. “Yeah, I don’t know.” He repeats, finally breaking their contact to flicker his gaze shyly away. “I don’t know.” Kyungsoo’s continues staring, and he’s close enough to the elder to hear the way he whispers gently to himself, “what are you doing to me?”

Kyungsoo swallows, and here is the moment where he has to duck his head, collect his thoughts from all the soft words and close proximity. He registers suddenly how Jongin’s finger, their hands not-moved from before, traces back and forth over the cusp of Kyungsoo’s palm - over and over that same stretch of sensitive skin. It sends a subtle shiver down Kyungsoo’s spine, one he tries to hide by shuffling on his feet once, head cocking even further to hide his face.

“Also-“

Jongin goes on, and Kyungsoo barely manages to look back up his way, noting how their proximity seems to have lessened in that short few seconds he’d looked away and hating how quickly he wants it back.

“I just want to make clear that, even though I’ve done this-“ he stops, casts a furtive look down and then back up-

“It doesn’t make up for all the times I didn’t-all the times I wasn’t there before. All the times I just watched you get hurt.” He finishes lamely, eyes shining in clear, unapologetic guilt.

“Jongin-“ Kyungsoo tries, forgetting the promise for a second, but Jongin shakes his head a sharp no and Kyungsoo lets his words fade, brows crinkling in worry as the taller’s face crumples even more before his eyes.

“No, I- I know what you’ll say but just- I want you to know that I meant what I said before. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up for you. Even if it takes months.” He promises fervently. “Even years.” He re-emphasises, sincerity clear in all his features so that Kyungsoo’s lips stretch upwards without help.

He bites gently down on his lip, a swipe of his teeth, and his doe eyes crinkle up at Jongin. “Even decades?” He hears himself speak his thought aloud, unable to fight away his smile. Jongin, in any case, matches it, moving close all over again.

“Centuries!” He exclaims dramatically, startling a tinkling laugh from Kyungsoo’s lips. “Millennia!” He goes on, and then he hesitates, looks away and then back in thought - “what comes after that?”

Kyungsoo only laughs, louder than before so that it bounces off the hallway walls and fills the small space up like light filling up a pitch black room. Jongin’s right - things aren’t just suddenly normal, aren’t just okay - but Kyungsoo’s heart feels more at ease than it’s done in days, and - for right now - he is happy.

A few days after that support group session, and it seems a routine is starting to be set.

Even though school is over for now, Kyungsoo sees Jongin in the support group on the weekdays (or, at least, the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday following), where since that share session of Jongin’s coming out, Kyungsoo has felt a definite tension build up between them in moments of pause - something inevitable, something like a hundred unspoken words, something almost ready to burst.

Jongin’s words - not yet - have been the most prevailing in Kyungsoo’s thoughts. If he were any other person in the world, or even if he were looking at this as a bystander and not an involved party, Kyungsoo is sure that would be enough to confirm that maybe Jongin has feelings for him. But Kyungsoo, no matter how he tries, still just cannot believe nor comprehend it. After all nothing has been explicitly denied or affirmed, nothing to ease his thoughts. They haven’t really had time alone to do that, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure he wants to know in the case that the truth is something he’d rather not hear.

He has so many other questions on his mind too. As the main one, he wants Jongin to clarify what he’d said before - the years. That conversation has been in Kyungsoo’s head ever since it took place, and he still can’t really comprehend the truth in it. It’s the one sentence he’s been wanting to speak aloud for days now, but they’re at this odd, delicate sort of standstill that Kyungsoo can’t make complete sense of, and it feels like the wrong time to be asking.

In any case, speaking is still difficult, with his voice taking a lot longer than he’d been expecting to recover to the point where he can’t even contribute anything during the sessions he does attend.

Ryeowook, somehow, had heard about the condition of his throat and admonished him strongly for not looking after himself, but not before dropping off about a galleon of his home-brewed throat remedy to Kyungsoo’s house with strict instructions to drink up, rest and let his voice do the same. It warms Kyungsoo’s heart enough that he acquiesces without a fight, but - with so much buzzing in his head from the past days events - his form of ‘rest’ comes in drafting song ideas and writing out sporadic, incomplete entries to expand on later, as opposed to drowning in hour-long periods of sleep like Ryeowook had probably envisioned for him. He doesn’t try to sing (that, at least, he knows Ryeowook would genuinely slaughter him for if he even attempted to do, and he really rather values his life) but he revels in the time he has to practice his song-writing instead, playing out his thoughts and emotions in a manner that is all of cathartic, liberating and exhilarating at the same time. He’s still not confident with things, still not assured, but he knows that writing songs makes him happy, and he’s made it a recent goal to do things that make him feel happy.

That new goal has also had him thinking more about his looming birthday, and how for, perhaps the first time in four years, he wants to invite friends to enjoy it with him - specifically, the 11 support group members. He doesn’t think he’s felt so comfortable with a group of people before in the longest of times, and the idea of seeing them all outside of the group setting is one he knows would bring him a great deal of happiness. Of the members thus far, Tao (and Jongin of course) is the only one he’s met up with outside of the sessions, and it has meant that Tao has since become a very eager and excitable confidante in all matters ‘Kaisoo’ as he so-phrases it. Since the recent instalments, and the strange, close-proximity conversation Jongin and Kyungsoo had shared in the Centre corridors, Tao has been on the edge of his seat waiting to hear more about them.

“So, so, so, are you meeting up with him during this break?” Tao prods him at the end of the following Thursday session as they’re walking out together as a 12, the two trailing behind the group as they walk the centre’s corridors out. Kyungsoo smiles, eyes fixated to Jongin’s back as he walks a few paces ahead, and he sees the way he laughs raucously at something Jongdae has said beside him. The sound, even from afar, and in amongst that of the rest of the boisterous group around him, plays in Kyungsoo’s head as if it’s the only thing he can hear, and it makes his smile stretch even more.

“I don’t know, I’m okay just seeing him like this for now,” Kyungsoo admits softly, voice still a little weak, a flutter starting up in his chest at just the thought of meeting up with Jongin alone and outside of the group. In all honesty, Kyungsoo has been avoiding that situation, and he can’t even fully comprehend why. All he knows is that the next time they’re alone, they’re going to have to talk about it - about them - and that situation is terrifying. Even though it’s clear that Jongin cares, and that the stuff between them is more than just friendly, Kyungsoo’s last confession experience still looms uneasily over his mind, a dark overhang from his past. Any situations even akin to what happened then makes him nervy, uneasy in ways he wishes he didn’t have to feel.

“You don’t want to meet him alone.” Tao says, though he doesn’t bother posing it as a question, instead staring intently Kyungsoo’s way for further explanation; for the youngest in the group, Tao was infallibly sharp-witted.

“Not alone, I don’t know.” Kyungsoo agrees. “It’s just... why is it so scary?”

“What, being alone with him?” Tao questions, confusion evident in his features. “Isn’t that a good feeling? Like, nervousness?”

“No, I- I don’t mind the nervousness,” he corrects himself, “I just- don’t know if he likes me or not...”

Kyungsoo jumps when Tao suddenly bursts into rapturous laugh following his words (loud enough for a few heads a couple paces ahead to turn around in inquisition), and he rushes to shush the younger boy, tugging at the sleeve of his jacket until he’s silent once more.

“Sorry, it’s just - are you serious?” Tao questions, and whilst there was mirth before, he now looks at Kyungsoo with worried, dewy eyes, pupils shining in that way that makes him seem far older than his age. Kyungsoo shuffles in his steps, darting his gaze.

“Yes?” He says a little reluctantly, shrugging his shoulders with the utterance. “I don’t know... sometimes I feel like I can see it, yeah...,” he agrees absentmindedly, thinking of when Jongin has maybe been jealous of Chanyeol a little while back. But then he thinks of Jongin again - simply, Jongin - and it’s just so unbelievable, the idea that Kyungsoo could be so lucky as to have his feelings returned. “...but mostly I just... can’t.”

Kyungsoo is turned suddenly, Tao moving him so that they’re facing each other as they walk, their eyes meeting almost instantly.

“Listen to me Kyungsoo, because I’ll only say this once,” Tao declares, tone deadly serious. “There is no doubt in my mind that Jongin likes you. Absolutely none. And I am sure that everyone else in this group, even only seeing you guys interact for a couple of hours at a time, would say the exact same thing.” He enunciates each word carefully, slowly as if to emphasise their truth further, but even without his words Kyungsoo can see it in his eyes alone - the boy is not joking, far from it, and is more serious than Kyungsoo has seen him be in a long while.

Kyungsoo swallows, unsure how to respond to such a declaration, heart pounding hard in his chest at just the concept, but Tao still stops Kyungsoo once more, when they’ve just stepped out into the cool air, to say one last thing.

“Listen, just look at him properly, carefully.” Tao insists, though there’s something serious in his gaze as he speaks, something hard. “Watch how he acts. He doesn’t hide it well - in fact, I don’t think he even tries.” He stops here to laugh, but it’s brief and is replaced almost instantly with a look so sincere that Kyungsoo daren’t turn away from it. “I think you guys could be something really special, you know? You just have to let yourself let it happen.”

He reaches out, gloved hand finding Kyungsoo’s cold ones and squeezing once - tender, warm. And then, just as quickly, his hand is gone, and he turns just slightly to start walking - but not before tacking on a final, vague “good luck,” to Kyungsoo’s face.

Kyungsoo blinks, about to question Tao’s words and his now-retreating back, but then a voice from behind calls out his name - soft and inquisitive - and it dies on his tongue. He looks to the caller, though he’s already recognised him, and Jongin smiles sheepishly back.

Looking around, the rest of the group members have already started making their own ways home whether by foot or by car, dissipating away via their respective routes. A quick sweep of the parking lot and Kyungsoo can see that Eun-Seo hasn’t arrived just yet (Eun-Seo has been incorrigibly insistent upon driving Kyungsoo home, even with his leg already healed up - the memory of that showcase night evidently making her protectiveness skyrocket) so he only meets Jongin’s greeting with a ‘hey’ back and as strong a smile as he can muster up.

It’s been a few weekdays since their moment in the hallway, but it feels suddenly like it’s been no time at all as Jongin stands before him just like then, that same soft smile on his face, the centre’s lamplights - like their hall-lights - shining in his eyes. They haven’t really talked alone since then, though Kyungsoo is sure that it’s more down to his stupidly not wanting to find himself in that situation than for Jongin’s lack of trying: the taller boy has only been successful today because Kyungsoo hadn’t been focusing, but with the two of them stood together like they are now, Kyungsoo is glad for the slip. Even though part of him fears this, when it is actually happening, most of him wants time to standstill so that they can stay this way forever.

“What’s up?” Kyungsoo questions idly, shuffling restlessly on his feet as he peers up at Jongin to speak. Jongin smiles back at him, hunching into his winter coat when a cooler breeze of wind hits them.

“Nothing’s up, I just-“ he pauses here, like he hadn’t really thought about it before Kyungsoo had asked, and takes a deep breath that peels over his whole form. He swallows, fixing Kyungsoo with those same shining eyes, lips twitching up from over the fabric of his scarf.

“I just wanted to stand with you.” He admits eventually - lamely, if not for the smile he grants from his own words: wide, unapologetic, gentle.

Kyungsoo only stares at him, suddenly aware of his own heart - not beating, not quite thundering, but a loud and pulsing flutter in his chest. If he’d not been looking at Jongin dead-on, he fears he may have done something stupid like tear up from the words. It’s just, whilst Jongin may be speaking lightly, unaware of how deep a meaning his words truly hold, Kyungsoo is struck head-on by the realisation that Jongin is okay using up his minutes with Kyungsoo - even if it’s mindless, and he has no reason to do so; even if it’s freezing cold and there’s nothing he wants to say.

Kyungsoo swallows, finally looking away and to the ground. A million thoughts run through his mind in that moment - all brief and in quick, blinking succession. He thinks of his past, of his fears about Jongin’s feelings and the words from then that brought such a fear to fruition. He thinks about how unfair it is, how frustrating that he holds such a fear. And then he thinks of Jongin - he thinks of all the signs, all of the unapologetic shows of affection the boy has showed to him these past days, so clear and straightforward that on logic alone they can’t be misconstrued, and to even think such a thing is terrifying. And finally he thinks of Tao’s words, still fresh and brewing in his mind, and with Jongin’s soft gaze in his periphery, he tilts his head back up, speaking without letting another thought stop him-

“Hey, did you want to come over to my house tomorrow?”

A/N

Fluffy

Couldn’t help it

Kaisoo fluff is long overdue

BUT AUTHOR WHY 28 CHAPTERS IN AND STILL NO OFFICIAL KAISOO AND NO KISS?

Honestly, I just live for slow build

(But it’s coming guyssss)

(Look forward to it ;D)

Please comment below! I love reading them ☺️