Chapter XIX: The Hurt

"How's she doing?"

Jiyong sat behind his desk, staring at his clock as he talked to his mother on the phone. It was November, almost five months since the day he'd taken Sanghyun home. The leaves were turning on the trees, the days growing cooler. Dara would be well into her second trimester now.

God, he wanted to see her. He'd thought what he'd felt for her and Sanghyun would fade, but it seemed to be growing stronger.

"You call me all the time and ask me the same thing." His mother complained.

"Why don't you call and ask her?"

He couldn't it was too hard. He'd quit calling because every time he talked to Sanghyun, it got harder and harder to hang up without begging to speak to Dara.

"It's better this way."

"Better for whom?"

Not wanting to fall into that old argument, Jiyong ignored the question. "

Are you going to tell me how they're doing or not?"

"Dara's morning sickness is gone, and school's going well. Dr Park thinks the pregnancy is progressing normally. And Sanghyun is just like every other kid in his school now." His mother responded.

"I think it's safe to say he's cured."

See? Sanghyun was fine, and Dara was back on top again. They didn't need him. He was just about to hang up when his mother said.

"But Sanghyun still asks for you, you know."

Jiyong closed his eyes. At first he'd tried to keep a relationship with Sanghyun, but he'd soon realized that he couldn't do that and keep his distance; he'd never be able to walk away when the baby came. And if he couldn't walk away, they'd need to work out some way of sharing both children, which sounded a lot like creating a real family. No, Sanghyun and Dara came as a package deal, and he couldn't have anything to do with them, not as long as Taeyeon was still hovering in the background of every thought, every action.

"Are you ever going to tell me why you and Dara broke up, Jiyong? I've gotten to know her quite well over the past five months, and she's a lovely, bright young woman."

His mother had asked what had gone wrong in their relationship before, several times, and Jiyong had always said they'd simply jumped the gun and married too soon, only to realize they weren't compatible. But His mother hadn't brought it before, and he knew she wouldn't buy it now. So he told her the truth.

"I'm still in love with Taeyeon. It's almost like she's alive, watching me. Sometimes I turn around and expect to see her."

"You have to let her go sooner or later."

"I know. It's just hard to turn my back on the years we spent together."

"You and Dara have only known each other a short time. If given the chance, maybe you could build something every bit as wonderful"

"That wouldn't be fair to Taeyeon."

How did he explain that moving on, making the same promises to someone else somehow invalidated everything they'd shared.

"Do you believe Taeyeon loved you, Jiyong?"

"I know she did."

"Then how can you think she'd want you to live the rest of your life alone?"

"How can I believe she'd want me to love someone else as much as I loved her? Yet it's not right to involve myself with another woman while holding back, to relegate someone to second place."

"That's true. That's why you let yourself love again and don't worry about places. It will never be the same as it was with Taeyeon. Dara and Taeyeon are two very different people. But it can be just as good. There's no betrayal in that."

Then why did he feel as if there was?

"If you couldn't be with Taeyeon, would you want her to be lonely and miserable for the rest of her life?" His mother asked.

"Of course not."

"Do you think you're a more generous person that she was?"

His mother certainly had her moments. Jiyong thought she was having one now.

"No."

"Then you have your answer."

The following Saturday Jiyong stood staring at the pile of objects he's amassed, then bent to tape the bottom of one of the cardboard boxes. He was packing up Taeyeon's things. His mother had volunteered to help him, but he'd chosen to face the experience alone.

And it was about time.

Other than the items her family had wanted as keepsakes, he'd stowed her personal things in boxes in the basement just after the funeral, but that wasn't enough. He had to remove the cross-stitches, the photographs, the painting she had given him for their last anniversary and the lap blanket she'd covered herself with when they watched TV. There were books and trinkets everywhere, even certain pieces of furniture that reminded him constantly.

Before he could even think about moving forward, he had to put his feelings for Taeyeon to rest. And to do that, he had to let go of the physical objects that kept her so close. Maybe he'd even sell the house.

"Hey you moving without telling anybody?" Top asked, coming through the front door Jiyong had left standing open since his last trip to the car for boxes. When he saw what Jiyong was doing, he nodded approvingly.

"This is good, man. Way to go."

Jiyong chuckled. In his own way Top had been telling him to do this for months. He just hadn't been ready to listen.

"How about you give me a hand?"

Top helped Jiyong leit one of the heavier boxes out to the trunk of his car.

"Where are you taking all of this?"

"Everything's going to charity, except the photos and the paintings."

"And those?"

"I'm storing them in the basement with the other stuff. I'll decide what to do with all of it when I sell the house."

Top slammed the trunk closed.

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

Jiyong shrugged, knowing his change of heart had been anything but sudden.

"I guess it's true what they say about time."

"Does this have something to do with Dara? Has she called?"

"No. I'm sure she's forgotten all about me."

Top looked doubtful.

"She's your wife and she's having your baby. That makes you pretty difficult to forget."

Picturing Dara big with his child did funny thin to Jiyong. It made him warm and possessive, fiercely protective, and hungry to see her rounded middle. He wanted to touch it with his own hands, pull her back against his front while he kissed her neck and cradled her belly.

He wanted the baby. He wanted one for a long time. But this child was extra special because it came from Dara. Did that mean he wanted her, too?

"She was just particularly vulnerable when Sanghyun was sick, and I was there, at least for a short time." He said to stem the excitement his thoughts dragged up.

"We both got a little confused for a while. That's all."

Top propped his hands on his hips.

"If things are over, then you won't mind if I call her, right?"

Jiyong gave Top a look that promised violence if he so much a picked up the phone.

Top laughed, even with amber swirling in Jiyong's eyes.

"For a bright guy, this thing with Dara is taking you a while." He said.

"But I have faith that you'll get there eventually."

Deep down, Jiyong knew he was closer than Top realized. He just hoped he wasn't too late.

Dara glanced at the clock in the kitchen and drained her orange juice.

"Thanks for coming to watch Sanghyun. I'd better get moving or I'm going to be late."

"What time is your appointment?" CL asked, helping Sanghyun pour a bowl of cereal.

"Eight-thirty. Did I tell you I'm having an ultrasound?"

"You are? Is something wrong?"

"No, it's just a routine. I'm twenty-four weeks along now, and Dr. Park wants to be sure the baby's developing normally."

"Are you going to ask them to tell you the gender?"

Dara's thought about attaching a "He" or "She" to the child growing inside her and decided against it. She needed to keep as much emotional distance between her and the fetus as possible. She already doubted she'd be able to live if to her promise as give Jiyong the baby.

"I think I'll let that be a surprise." She dug in her purse for her keys.

"I'm sure I'll be back, but if not, Sanghyun has school at seven to two."

I know where the school is. I picked him up a couple of weeks ago, remember?"

Dara did remember. CL had been her mainstay, despite her preoccupation with one Lee Soohyuk, who took her out almost every weekend.

"Where are you going, Dara-noona?" Sanghyun demanded when Dara dropped a kiss on top of his head.

"To the doctor's"

"Are you going to get the baby out?"

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