Chapter XV: The Struggle

Dara seemed remote when she came out of the fertility clinic. Jiyong followed her all the way to his car without speaking, but when he opened the door for her and climbed behind the wheel himself, he let the keys dangle in the ignition and turned to face her.

"You okay?"

She nodded.

"They said it wouldn't hurt."

"I didn't."

"Do you feel any different?"

"Physically? Not yet. That will take a while."

"And emotionally?"

"I guess I'm as well as one could expect, considering."

‘Considering the fact that her little brother was dying.’

"Okay, do you want to talk?"

While she stared straight ahead, Jiyong admired her profile, the small straight nose, the full lips, the gentle swell of her s, the soft skin that was everywhere the dress wasn't. He almost ran a hand down her arm, but he knew, if he touched her, he wouldn't be able to stop at a friendly pat. The fantasy he'd let himself indulge in, the one where he'd made mad passionate love to her, was still too fresh in his mind.

"About?"

"About how we're going to handle the next few months. I mean the way I see it, things have changed a bit, that they have. I'm thinking we should re-evaluate."

She plucked a piece of lint off her dress, her nails neat and well-shaped but short. Folding her arms in what appeared to be a bolstering or defensive move, she finally met his eye.

"Why? What's our options?"

"Well I was planning to live with your for the next nine months, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea anymore."

‘Not if you want me to keep my hands to myself.’ He almost added the words but was afraid she'd get the wrong idea and think he might force himself on her sometime, when in reality, she'd probably only drive him mad. He'd prowl at night, hoping she'd admit him to her bed, and then if she did, he'd wake up feeling guilty for having taken advantage of a young woman.

Except that she wasn't a young woman. She was his wife. That entitled him to something, didn't it? No, not in their case. A baby was the end of their agreement. Anything more wasn't fair to Dara. Not if she couldn't enjoy the physical intimacy while it lasted and then walk away. And how could he ask that?

"Moving in was your idea." She said.

"There's certainly no need to do it if you've changed your mind."

Jiyong knew he should feel relieved but he never felt the way he should anymore. For a few moments in the doctor's office, he'd thought she was hoping for a real relationship, but if that was the case, she wouldn't have let him off so easily.

"So you're okay with the way things are?"

"I'm fine. As far as I'm concerned, we're right on track. You gave me the money, which I paid to the hospital. Sanghyun is getting his transplant next week. And I've taken the steps toward fulfilling my part of the bargain. After today, I should be pregnant. What's the problem?"

She nearly blinded him with a huge smile, but it didn't have the reassuring properties one might have thought. Jiyong stiffened beneath a surprising wave of disappointment. Evidently he'd misread the signals she'd been sending him. Spending their nights together in a platonic embrace didn't wreak the same kind of havoc with her body that it did with his.

"No problem." He said.

"Your parents and my uncle see us as newlyweds. If we don't keep up the charade now, they're going to know something isn't right."

"True."

"So what's changed?"

He laughed and hoped it didn't sound as nervous to Dara as it did to him. If she could go on the way things were between them, then he could too, right? After all, he was the one who wasn't interested in a more permanent relationship.

"Nothing, forget I said anything. I've already moved a lot of my clothes. I'll bright the rest to your place after work."

"Fine."

’And then I'll spend another sleepless night with you in my arms, caught between the misery of telling myself no and the fresh wave of wanting I feel every time you nuzzle against me.’

Dara grabbed her towel, clutching it to the front of her as she dashed out of the shower to answer the phone. Her uncle hadn't returned from his trip back home yet but Sanghyun's new interest in Grandma Kwon had freed Dara up enough to study at home this weekend, where it was quiet. She spent a good number of hours preparing for her final exams and was just starting to believe she might pass a few of them. Kami willing, but after two days of intense reading and not taking, her eyes were burning and her back ached from sitting so long. She deserved a long hot shower, but she couldn't let the phone ring without answering it. Not when it could be the hospital.

"Hello?"

"Dara? You sound like I caught you running the fifty-yard dash. Are you okay?"

’CL’. Dara smiled and dried her body, then propped the phone against her ear with her shoulder so she could wrap the towel around her wet hair to keep it from dripping on the carpet. With everything going on in her life, she and her friend hadn't had a chance to talk privately for several days.

"I'm fine. I was just in the shower."

"Alone?"

Dara rolled her eyes. "Yes of course alone."

"Then you're not making much progress."

"It's a little difficult to take a shower with someone who's not even here. And Jiyong all but told me he's not over his dead wife yet, which anything isn’t new. I think he's got a few years of mourning left in him."

Besides, didn't CL chew her out for lying to Jiyong's mother?

"Not to be disrespectful, but like I've said before, Taeyeon's dead, and you're wonderfully alive. His practical side will win out eventually."

"I don't want to be some consolation prize. I want him to fall head over heels in love with me."

Dara almost gasped at her own admission. That certainly wasn't what she'd meant to say.

"Wait, I don't mean that."

"Yes you did. And I can't blame you. Where is he by the way?"

"At the hospital, I think."

"I was there yesterday, with him and his parents."

"Was Sanghyun okay with my not being there?"

"Are you kidding? With all that attention? He was at the height of his glory. But the doctors seemed a little uptight about all the visitors."

"I've talked to them about that. Everyone's being very careful about scrubbing up, and I think the positive energy they're infusing into Sanghyun's life is doing incredible good. Sanghyun's been happier this week that he's been in a long time, despite his poor health."

"I agree. He's a tough kid. He sure thinks Jiyong's pretty great."

Jiyong was great, but Dara was trying to not think like that. It made the nights when they were sleeping together unbearable, the days when they weren't together longer.

"He's been good to him."

"Question is, is he being good to you?"

"He bought me a diamond ring."

"That's not what you want."

"I know, but I don't think things are going to work out the way I want."

"And you think this because…?"

"He's slept with me a number of nights already and hadn't made any kind of move. Surely if he had interest in me he'd want to touch me, or kiss me, at least, don't you think?"

She chewed her lip, considering Jiyong's cautious behavior.

"He offered to once, but I'm not sure that really counts. We were in the waiting room of the doctor's office, so he was pretty safe."

"Then maybe you should help things along. Have you ever thought of that?"

"No."

"Seduce him. Remind him what it's like to have a wife."

"But I don't want him to sleep with me if he doesn't love me. I'd feel like sloppy seconds. How much fun could that be?"

"Have some confidence, girl. There aren't many women more attractive than you are."

Dara scoffed. "I lost my husband to a-"

"I know, to a high-school girl. But that says more about Jaejoong that it does you."

Everyone said that, and it made sense-to Dara's head. Her heart however was more difficult to convince.

"Still, sometimes I'm afraid I'm not, I don't know, woman enough to hold a man, I guess." She said, voicing her worst fears. She stretched the phone cord and began to pace, then crossed the window to gaze out at the neglected backyard.

"Jiyong's not like Jaejoong. There's a maturity about him that Jaejoong never possessed." CL pointed out.

"But he's in love with another woman. A dead woman, yes, but…"

"At least his being so devoted and loyal says a lot."

Dara had to agree at that point, but it didn't change anything, at least not for her.

"He doesn't want me, CL."

Tucking a dripping lock of hair up into her towel, she turned and started to pace back toward the small table the phone was on, then froze.

Jiyong was standing in the living room, staring at her, his keys still in his hand, his jaw sagging.

"Who doesn't want you?"Hhe asked.

"Dara? Dara? Are you there?" CL's tiny voice came through the receiver, calling her several times before Dara had the presence of mind to whip the towel off her head and drape it around her body.

"Um, I have to go." Dara murmured.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." She set the phone on its cradle, careful to keep her new shield from revealing a healthy dose of what Jiyong had already seen.

"That was CL."

She said to him, trying to act normal, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him to walk in on her while she was .

"I was in the shower when the phone rang, and I was afraid it was the hospital…I didn't hear you come in…"

She let her words drift away when she realized he wasn't listening. His focus was further down, on her bare legs.

"Who doesn't want you?" He repeated.

Dara's throat constricted until she could hardly swallow.

"No one you know." She managed to say. Then she skirted past him and dashed for the safety of the bathroom.

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