Chapter XVII: The Change

He'd known better. ‘Damn it!’

When he'd spoke to his mother after he'd dropped Dara off, he'd know better than to return to her house. But he'd ignored his better judgment and gone back and things had quickly gotten out of control, just as he'd know they would. What the hell was wrong with him anyway? Jiyong wondered. He used to believe himself a decent man. But that was when he was a loving husband, a father-to-be, proudly working and caring for his little family. Now he was just a lonely widower taking advantage of an even lonelier divorcee with a dying baby brother.

Sanghyun. Jiyong's heart twisted at the thought of losing him. He called him Oni-chan…big brother and held his spindly arms out for him every time he'd crossed the threshold to his room, smiling like he was Santa Claus. A man would have to be made of stone not to love him instantly. Yet he'd tried to bail out, at least emotionally, several times. But it hadn't worked, and now it was too late.

If Sanghyun didn't survive his cancer, he was going to hurt, just as he had when Taeyeon and their son died. There was no avoiding it.

But he could avoid hurting Dara again, he decided, growing more and more resolve. If only he could remember, especially when he was around her, that to all intents and purpose, he was still devoted to Taeyeon.

Dara was the only woman who could make him forget that, but the forgetting could never last long enough to let their marriage work. Which was the crux of the problem, wasn't it.

Good thing he'd left her house tonight before it was too late, too bad he hadn't left even earlier. The more physical he let their relationship becomes, the more damage his leaving would cause. He'd see the next nine months through by respecting Dara's directive to keep his distance, and soon she'd realize that her love for him wasn't what she thought it was.

He must have been crazy to think he could watch her grow big with his child, take her to Lamaze classes and share in the birth. Top was right. All of that him in too deep. If Dara was pregnant, the only way out was to take charge of the baby after she delivered-and to stay as far away from her as possible until then. There was just one thing he had to do first. He had to see her through Sanghyun's operation Tuesday morning. He couldn't leave her to face that on her own.

"You look tired. Haven't you been sleeping?" Dara's uncle asked.

Dara rubbed her eyes and pretended great interest in the last chapter of The Science of Medicine. She hadn't slept. She'd lain awake all night, calling Jiyong every name in the book and wondering how she could have been foolish enough to fall in love with a man who'd hired her to have his baby, and then she'd gotten up early to pick her uncle up at the airport. Lee had flown in a day early to surprise the newlyweds, only to find they'd already broken up.

"I asked you if you're sleeping, Dara."

"Mm-hmm." Dara murmured.

"Come on, sweetheart, he's not worth it." He said.

"Don't do this to yourself. You know what I've always said about men. Maybe now you'll believe me."

"He's just in love with someone else. That doesn't make him a creep." Dara glanced at Sanghyun to make sure he was as fully engrossed in his battery-operated keyboard as he sounded.

"And I don't want you doing your male-bashing in front of Sanghyun. He'll develop a complex."

"Maybe he'll learn how to treat people."

"Uncle Lee!"

"Oh, all right." His eyes narrowed and dropped to Dara's stomach.

"His mother told me you were pregnant already. Is that true?"

Dara frowned.

"I don't know for sure yet. I haven't had a test, but I'm going to get one in the next few days."

"Well, if you are pregnant and you don't think it's a travesty that Jiyong would get you that way and then leave you, you haven't got a of sense."

Her uncle was probably right about her lack of sense. But she couldn't blame Jiyong for the baby. She'd done what she'd done knowing he didn't love her.

"Have you told Sanghyun?"

Dara glanced at her brother again.

"You mean about the baby?"

Lee nodded.

"Jiyong told his parents so soon I had to tell him there was a good possibility."

"Was he excited?"

The keyboard blared on a sour note and Dara winced.

"I think so, although it probably doesn't seem real to him yet. When I'm showing, he might talk about it more." She stood to turn the volume down on Sanghyun's toy.

"Are you ready for your finals?" Her uncle asked, changing the subject.

"I'm going to school next year, Uncle Lee!" Sanghyun interrupted, causing Dara an all-too-familiar pang in her chest. Would her brother ever go to school?

"Yes, Sanghyun, if you're well by then." Dara said then looked up at her Uncle.

"I'm as ready for my finals as I can be, under the circumstances."

"Good." Lee rounded Sanghyun's bed and draped an arm across Dara's shoulders, giving her a little squeeze.

"I'm proud of you, you know. I think I should have told you that more often.”

Dara smiled. "Thanks Uncle Lee."

Jiyong took a deep breath before walking into Sanghyun's hospital room. He hadn't talked to Dara since he'd left her house two night ago and he had no idea how she might receive him, but he had to see Sanghyun again, before the transplant, before the big risk. Except that every day contained a risk for Sanghyun, didn't it? They could lose him at any time.

Dara's uncle, his mother, CL and his sister were already there. Tae smiled and got up to give him a hug but Lee wouldn't speak to him and neither would his own mother or CL.

He'd told his mom on the phone yesterday that he and Dara were having problems and would probably divorce after the baby was born. She'd ranted that she couldn't believe he'd even talk about splitting up, with a baby on the way and Dara going through what she was. Then she'd planted her support firmly in Dara's camp and was making sure he felt it.

What Dara had told Lee and CL, he had no idea, but their hostility ran far deeper than his mother's. His own mother would forgive him eventually; her heart was too soft to hold a grudge, but he had a sneaking suspicion Lee would slash his tires if given the chance. Not that it matter what they thought of him later, he wouldn't ever see any of them again.

‘What a mess.’ He thought, biting back a sigh. Apparently his creative side had finally gotten him into trouble, instead of out of it. Top had laughed at his morose mood all day yesterday until Jiyong packed up his briefcase and headed home to work.

The last thing he wanted to hear was 'I told you so.' Especially because his wasn't the only life he'd screwed up with his unconventional solution to obtaining a son or daughter. Dara was in it deeper than he was.

Or at least that was what he thought until her eyes flickered over him, containing none of the warmth he'd grown accustomed to seeing in their light brown blue depths. He couldn't blame her for being angry with him. What surprised him was the way his own heart sank at her coolness.

‘She's crossed you off her list, and that's good’. He told himself.

‘She's a smart girl, that she is. Strong. She doesn't need you.’

Which should have made him feel better. Instead it made him feel worse.<

"Hyung!" Sanghyun finally spotted him through the bevy of doctors and nurses surrounding his bed, drawing blood, talking him through the procedure to come and checking his catheter.

Jiyong smiled. "Hey kid."

The crowd parted for him to be able to see him and give him a hug.

"You all set for this?"

He nodded.

"It's going to make me better." He announced.

"I had a dream last night. You and me were flying a kite. I was running. And I had hair." He added proudly.

The ache in Jiyong's gut turned into a sharp pain. Part of him wished he'd never met Dara, never learned of Sanghyun's sickness so he could have avoided this day. But the other part, the bigger part, believed the joy of knowing such a sweet child was worth the pain.

Just like knowing Taeyeon had been worth the loss. Maybe he needed to think a little more about letting go of the side of the pool.

"You get better, and we will fly that kite." He promised.

Standing. Dara nudged him out. She didn't look at him but her body was so rigid he could tell his words had invoked her anger. He could almost hear her accusing. How dare you tell him you'll to anything with him?

"Dara-noona, will be there with you, so you're not going to be scared, are you?" She said to Sanghyun.

Sanghyun shook his head. "Dr. Forte promised it wouldn't hurt."

Jiyong saw Dara bite her lips and knew she wasn't worried about the operation, but what might happen afterward. He worried with her.

"No the operation won't hurt."

"Mrs. Kwon?" The nurse who'd been sitting at the nurses