*Trigger warning if I may add.*

"So it goes."
 

2:59 A.M. Saturday Morning, Baekhyun's Dorm Room.

I toss and turn in my bed for what may seem like the hundredth time. I settle for just sitting up and sliding my pillow into my lap, blanket over my shoulders, and resting against my headboard. I groan with my lack of sleep that's becoming a repeated incident for at least two weeks now. I rub my my face and let my hands fall back into my lap. I just wish that I could sleep. I wonder if I have to go to the doctor and see if I have insomia, because it's been a month since I've needed to take that thing in the bathroom. I haven't been needing it and I'm tempted to see if it would help me.

I reach over to look at the time, contemplating for a minute (that seems like eternity) and head over to the bathroom in slow, small steps. My body feeling heavy and my eyes straining with every blink I take.

Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I look at the dark bags under my red eyes, how dull my skin has gotten from hardly spending time outside, and the amount of weight that I've lost in my face alone.

I never deserved Chanyeol in the first place. I'm too ugly to be loved.

He left you because you were a horrible person. You should always be alone.

"You're useless to your family. You've never done any good to us. You finally have the piano as something . . . anything, but then a petty little fear stops something like that. You really are just a waste of space, Baekhyun." . . . I don't want to be left alone again. You've forgotten about me before and now you're gone again. You're just like father. I just wanted you to like me.

"I can't believe you, Baekhyun." It hurts.

"We only wanted the best for you. Now, look at what you've done." Stop.

"You've made a fool of yourself, and a mockery of the rest of us." I don't want to be hit anymore.

I open my eyes, wondering when I the faucet and got into the bath. The water is scalding and overflowing, I've made a mess everywhere - it's just another one of those things that I've messed up again. I stand up from the tub and try not to slip. My body is soaked and so are my clothes. I forgot to take them off, but it doesn't matter anyway.

I've filled all of those voids, those wounds, and the empty feelings of lost loves, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. It wasn't real - the love they gave me, that is. False promises, wishes, and touches were only made out of greed and lust. I just kept on wanting more and more. I didn't want any of it in the end. Everything came crashing down and I was just as alone as when I started.

I go over to the mirror again and notice a crack in the glass, distorting my face. I open the cabinet and take out the bottle of my anti-depressants. Staring at myself one last time, I start crying. I can't stop, because I know that there isn't anyone that will comfort me from this. I know that no one is here and that no one ever will be.

I down the whole bottle in one go and I remember what it was like to do the same thing with candy, when I was a kid, When I was happy. When I was loved.

I can't stop the smile that crosses my face.

I feel my vision start to blur and and black dots scatter throughout my line of sight. I eventually have tunnel vision and I drop the bottle in my hand. I stagger and start to fall.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

4:15 A.M. Baekhyun's Dorm Room.

I feel like I'm being chocked by two large hands while a weight presses down on my body. It's like I'm being crushed by pieces of rubble that press into my skin, leaving marks and scars that could never really just fade away. It's agonizing. This feeling makes me feel like I should just rip the skin from my body and meat off my bones.

I sit up in my bed as fast as I can, wide awake. My shirt feels like it's suffocating me and my forehead is covered in sweat. I stumble out of bed and into the bathroom, throwing the cabinet open. 

They're not here.  I check the garbage can, the living room, the kitchen, and even the pile I put all of Chanyeol's stuff in. They're not here.

I'm having another axiety attack. I'm fine. I don't need to remember that again. The past is in the past. Whatever happens, happens; but I won't let it happen again.

I continue to comfort myself, rocking back and forth, but it doesn't work. Nothing is working.

I change out of my shirt and throw on a loose sweater and leave. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't handle the darkness of my room. I can't do this again. I promised Chanyeol that I wouldn't. That I would learn to control myself; that i'd be fine wihtout him.

But the feeling of falling is something I could never shake off that easily.

4:45 A.M. The Music Store.

It's been awhile since I've had an attack. I curl up to my side and take deep breaths, lying down on the roof top. It's quiet and I find myself falling asleep in the cool, morning air. I've slept on the roof before, I felt more at ease here than in my own bed.

 ". . . Baekhyun? What are you doing?" I hear Kyungsoo's voice and it makes me feel warm inside.

"I had an axiety attack," I croak out. I get silence in return.

". . . Oh, are you?"

"Yeah."

He sits down beside me, "Well, you wanna talk? Or just cry in my arms or something?" He smiles that heart-shaped smile and I surprisingly end up doing the same.

I tell Kyungsoo everything that morning. Where is started, how it started, and how it ended. I could never tell him why it started up again. Why Chanyeol was the reason I always had for everything. That he was the one who helped me become who I was and the one who saved me from myself.

I wanted to tell him about my world, Chanyeol's world, the one we had together, and the one he tried to give me. That ultimately, him trying to change me more than I had originally wanted was what broke us apart. I didn't want to be the person who needed to pretend that I was uncomplete. Sayings that described the aspect of being a fraction of a whole and being incomplete until someone else came along were what Chanyeol believed. What I used to believe.

A whole made of two halves, two lovers, and two people who were destined to be together in the stars. It was said that people were broken into two and seperated to find each other again, but people aren't like that. I wasn't like that. I didn't believe in something so superstitious, because time doesn't stop for superfifical things.

I imagined myself to be trapped in time with Chanyeol. Trapped in music, sweet nothings, and lyrics that I was only satisfied with after playing the entire piece with him. I forgot that I wasn't, and that time doesn't stop at all. Something like time wouldn't even waver in its path of tomorrow for someone like me.

But who said time even existed at all?

If you know Yoko Ono, she once said that, '. . . Time is a concept humans created.' The entire quote expressed the ties between the ages of humans and what we may consider and see as society would think would be morally right. I guess it's just a "yes and no" type of thing. We think of our realties to be reflected into our notions of "time" and honstly, humans beings are the only things that have ever conceptualized anything. It was just a thing perceived by us.

Doing something like forgetting and pretending that I was someone different and had someone else to help me change was just a lie. I was tried of them, but in the end, I lied to myself. Thinking that Chanyeol should be the reason for getting better, because he loved me more than anyone else. It really just gave him control of who I was. He changed me more than I wanted to be changed. He didn't just help me get better, he destroyed me. Chanyeol destroyed who I was in the past, he ripped off all of the wallpaper my walls held and painted a whole new colour. He made me someone I didn't want to be. I was just a shadow of my past self.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that ended with regrets?" Surprisingly, Kyungsoo laughs after I say that.

"If you count my relatinship with my family then sure." Well, I didn't know what to say to that. What could I say after something like that?

"You've never really told me what happened with you family . . ."

"I don't really plan on it either, sorry about that Baek."

"It's fine." I guess, but why would you mention it so much if you weren't going to tell me anyway? I never understood people sometimes. They say things over and over again, but don't tell you what they mean or what happened. I don't know if they want pity or just down right attention.

I've been beginning to wonder what Kyungsoo thinks of me. We talk all the time and have each other's contact information, but there are times where I feel like he dislikes me. It's like there's this feeling in my gut that's just telling me that he doesn't like me. Unfortunately, I feel that right now.

I wonder if any corner stores are open. I could really go for a burger or something just to get out of this mess. I don't feel that bad anymore, but I'd do anything to get out of here beccause it really couldn't get anymore awkward than it is.

Changing the topic would be easy if I could think of something to say but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. So, I decided to talk about Chanyeol again. Stupid, right? Well, I was going to be going through hell soon after this.

"Do you think Chanyeol was one of the wrong decisions I've made?"

"We both know that I can't answer that for you, Baekhyun."

I didn't want to believe it.

"And I just really don't care."

EXAMS ARE COMING UP AND I THINK I MIGHT SHART MYSELF FROM FEAR SO YEEP. ALSO, SUPERNATURAL IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER. I'VE BEEN BINGEWATCHING IT AND I DON'T REGRET ANYTHING. SORRY FOR LE SAD~ LET'S GO ON AN ANGST ADVENTURE SHALL WE~? ｡ﾟ✶ฺ.ヽ(*´∀`*)ﾉ.✶ฺﾟ｡ i'm sorry i forgot to post this

I'M SICK YAASS. Saman up there got me sick and I barely got any sleep over the last week yaaaaaay ;-; WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SOON HOPEFULLY. SCHOOL STRESS VERY FUN SO GREAT. OML BUT THE BAEKHYUN AND SUZY COLLAB BLESS MY EARS AND MY SOUL AND MY EMOTIONS IT WAS AMAZING very noice very noice LOL KAY BYE