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I never liked the silence in my office, it always give me room to think of things.

Things that makes me feel the pain and regret all over again, things that reminds me of what I lost, things I failed to say and do so now I am left feeling empty.

The orange sky fading to dusk is a picture perfect view as I sit in silence facing my office window. The floor to ceiling glass gave me the best view of the Han River and the breathtaking sun setting every single day.

I love and hate the sunset view, it reminded me of bonfires and midnight skies. The mixture of orange and black colors reminded me of the silhouette under the dark midnight sky sitting in complete silence admiring the dancing fire. It's a bittersweet reminder of sweet lips on mine and unconsciously I bring my fingers up, touching my lower lip as I tried to recall the feeling.

Sunset is bittersweet, a beautiful view that signals the upcoming darkness . The bright orange to red and black colors blending in together to form a view so beautiful, like how the girl I once knew was, she's as beautiful as the sunset. She's so bright and radiant, always so full of life but she's full of secrets and loves keeping things to herself, and I remember how the last time I saw her was when she was in her car fading into the pitch black road, her rear lights getting smaller and lost as she let the darkness envelop her.

Just like the sunset she was so breathtakingly beautiful but like sunset she slowly fade and along with the disappearance is the darkness that brings the cold and numbing feeling.

And every single day it's always the same. I never had the chance to witness sunrise ever since.

It's cliche but it's true that you'll never know what you have until you lost it. I never knew I love her until she left us, until she left me. Kim Taeyeon loved and left me, I was too late to know. And never a single day pass that I dont blame myself for her disappearance. 

It's been some time since that fateful night when she left me in wonder and confusion when she kissed me, that kiss that sent electricity down my spine and sent me to overdrive. That kiss that still brings me sleepless nights. That kiss that made me realize I don't want anyone's lips but hers on mine and I couldn't help but compare other kisses to that one brief moment when her lips was pressed firm on mine.

I never knew how much the truth can hurt a person until I saw how the pain swimming in her brown orbs was so evident and tears pooling threatening to escape when I told her, and I never saw it comimg how that mere act of being true is actually the biggest blow I could ever give her. I sent her away just like that.

I tried to think of a reason why did she have to go, I guess I'm too dense and slow so I was too late to know. I thought she'll be gone for days and be back again to stay, but no, Kim Taeyeon went way.

Life went on a month after she disappeared, when her parents said that Taeyeon went to study abroad, and when Tiffany said that she has no more plans of keeping in touch. Life simply went on like how it's supposed to.

Yes, just like that my life went on but with all the nagging thoughts at the back of my head and the constant pricking feelings in one corner of my heart. Something I managed to keep locked in. Feelings I thought was lost forever. I have never been so wrong until the moment I decided to be true to myself.

Life went on and I still kept my relationship with Yuri, one because I was confused; Yuri was so much like Taeyeon in terms of personality, maybe this is why when I get to spend time with Yuri I didn't find it hard to say yes when she asked me out, without knowing I am actually looking for someone who can come close to Taeyeon and Yuri was, but never as close, not at all. And because I feel responsible to stay by her side, I said yes to her, it'll be unfair to break what we started all because I'm in total state of confusion.

But eventually I learnt to love Yuri for who she is. I loved Yuri enough for our relationship to last for a year and a half, I loved her enough to stay by her side and truly loved her enough to let her go when she found out she doesn't love me as much as she did before and she found herself falling for someone else.

What goes around comes around indeed. I was deeply hurt and admit I cried over Yuri, but I couldn't blame her, nor could I blame the other party, after all gravity was never the reason for people falling in love, but gravity is the sole reason why Yuri kept on literally falling often first sometimes head first on the ground, and I was never around to take care of her every time whenever she finds herself in bed unable to do anything, I was never there but her roommate was. So no, I couldn't blame her for falling for someone else who was always there for her, and because deep down, along the way I realized I fell for Taeyeon long ago.

I fell for Taeyeon and I don't know how to recover from the fall. When Yuri and I called it quits with no heavy heart, everything all came back to me, overwhelming me and almost suffocating me. Taeyeon's mere presence was the biggest confusion and her absence was the answer.

Kim Taeyeon is the biggest jerk to me, often times but she can be the sweetest ever. She had me crying in fourth grade first week just after I transferred school, but right before school ended she gave me the only pack of gummy worms she had in her bag that day to appease me, which I learnt from Tiffany is her favorite treat. I had to endure a year long of being her seatmate in fifth grade where she had me into countless of troubles with the teachers whenever she felt like challenging me of who can stare longer at the sun without blinking but she'd apologize and take all the blame instead though I was partly at fault for agreeing all the time.

 During sixth grade when we had to dissect a frog, Taeyeon did it all while pacifying me at the same time, I even remember how she ran out the lab faster before we can bid our teacher goodbye to get me a bar of my favorite chocolates. Even when we didn't share the same class during first year in high school, Taeyeon never failed to play pranks on me given the chance to, but she'd lend me and Tiff her math notes, knowing how we both struggle in the subject. And the rest of my high school years where I shared same classes with her was the best years. Taeyeon did so many little things for me, I see them all the time but I failed to see the real underlying intention and reciprocate them.

The little gestures she does, I always thought they are free for everyone, that eve