CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Sincerity

The more Taeyeon thought about it, the more she wanted to get published. Getting commissions for webtoons was well and good, but it was still in the amateur leagues. She opened her spiral bound notebook of story ideas. It was a habit to fill something in every day. Time to pick one now...

Taeyeon shortlisted three ideas, but couldn't decide. She needed inspiration to make an educated choice. Maybe looking through the most popular manga and manhwa would help? She went online and read the first few chapters of them all. They were so good that she couldn't help but admire the composition and detail on every panel.

It was only when she met Sunny and co. at Daehak that Taeyeon realized that she had flushed an entire day down the drain without doing anything constructive. Those hours could have been a few pages of work done. Her heart wasn't in the dinner with her friends. The whole time, she was itching to go home.

When Taeyeon got back to her room, she cleared the table, flicked the lamp on, put out new paper and lined up her pencils and pens. And then she started for real. Ten pages of pencil drafting in, Taeyeon was hooked. It was refreshing to be once again obsessed with her own story. She worked until she couldn't sit in the chair for another second, then she went to brush her teeth. The sun had just risen outside.

In the afternoon, Sooyoung called her from Japan. Taeyeon answered the phone, only to hear crackling in the background.

"Hear that, Tae?"

"Hey Soo, how's Japan?"

"It's so beautiful and clean and cultured here. It's like a story book. But I called you because... guess where I am now?"

"A restaurant?"

"Bingo. Now listen to this carefully."

It sounded like sizzling meat, but it was hard to tell with the static. Taeyeon's mouth still watered.

"That," Sooyoung said, "is the sound of Kobe beef filet mignon being grilled right in front of me. Oh, and Kyungho says hi."

"Good afternoon, Kyungho-oppa."

"Tae says hi back, and that she's extremely jealous of this meat," Sooyoung said off phone. 

Taeyeon felt indignant. "I'm not jealous. I had extremely good instant ramen for lunch."

"Aww, you poor thing. Okay, gonna eat now, I'll call you later at night."

Taeyeon put her head down and drew for the next eight days and nights. She produced one complete manuscript, which she physically mailed to all the manhwa publishing houses in Korea. She had also finished two more batches of comics for her Naver webtoons. She scanned and uploaded them at the nearby Internet cafe. She felt accomplished and it made her heart swell.

She took out her phone and texted Jessica.

[Jessica]
[Sent 09:12]
fighting!

On the bus to Shikshin, she received Jessica's reply.

[Received 09:44]
what's the catch
[Sent 09:45]
do i need a reason 4 my princess? 8P
[Received 09:46]
u're fcking ridiculous. ttyl
[Received 09:46]
:)

Taeyeon chuckled at the last minute smiley face. 

Then she received a text from Hayeon. The counselor had reduced the updates from daily to just weekly now.

[Hayeon]
[Received 09:48]
Morning unnie, another update from me<3 while giving tuition on Sat, my client's nephews joined in so now I'm giving a small group tuition to 4 kids. x2 the pay:) Have been doing fine in school. Not that great in one class, but the rest are good. Went to 1 prof's office hours ytd and we had a good discussion. He asked if I was interested in undergrad research=X Looks like I'll get to work with one of his grad students next sem.
[Sent 09:56]
sounds great:) proud of u:) over the week i made a manhwa pilot chapter. mailed it to see if anyone wants 2 publish it
[Received 09:57]
WOW!!! Hope you get favorable replies!
[Sent 09:57]
thx:D
[Received 09:58]
Unnie's going to be famous
[Sent 09:58]
=X

When she got to Shikshin, Sooyoung was similarly esctatic. Hayeon and Sooyoung didn't have to be so happy since Taeyeon needed to wait for a reply, and the chances of getting accepted on the first try were low, but for some reason, Taeyeon couldn't keep the smile off her face either. She couldn't wait to tell Jessica about her progress.

Four long Shikshin days later, Taeyeon found herself outside the apartment at two in the morning. She carefully unlocked the front door and made her way to her room. Then she went to wash up and changed into pyjamas. There was no work tomorrow and Jessica had a rest day tomorrow. She went to Jessica's room and slowly twisted the knob to open the door.

Once her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could see Jessica's sleeping form. She didn't have to be so quiet because Jessica wasn't sensitive to noise, but it was just a habit. Well, she was going to wake up Jessica anyway so she really didn't need to be so careful. Taeyeon clambered over Jessica onto the side of the bed against the wall, and Jessica woke up at the shift in weight.

"Taengoo?"

"I wanna sleep next to you."

"...What's wrong?"

Taeyeon snuggled against Jessica's back and breathed in. "Nothing's up. I just missed you a lot this week."

"...I've missed you too."

Taeyeon smiled and reached over to kiss Jessica on the cheek before retreating. When Jessica didn't respond, she said, "Sica Jung, prove how much you miss me."

"It's late... I'm not in the mood."

Taeyeon felt comfortable just hugging Jessica's back. "Okay."

She was drifting off when Jessica turned around. Taeyeon's eyes fluttered open in surprise when Jessica smashed her lips against Taeyeon's. Jessica's hunger excited her and she let Jessica guide their mouths as they pressed up against each other.

"Taengoo," Jessica said into Taeyeon's mouth.

Taeyeon made an acknowledging noise in , still immersed in the kiss.

"How can you let me do this to you?"

Taeyeon paused. "What?"

Jessica pulled away. "I can't do this."

Right then Taeyeon knew that Jessica knew about the scars. She tried to play dumb, just in case this was for some other reason, just in case Jessica didn't actually know. "What do you mean?"

"Were you ever going to tell me about your back?"

They looked at each other in the darkness, then Taeyeon couldn't bear to face Jessica. "How did you find out?"

"I saw it at the bachelorette party. I guess you were so drunk you didn't know, or you didn't remember," Jessica said. 

Taeyeon tried to think back. Nothing definite, nothing in general. Just bits and pieces. 

"We were making out, I took off your shirt, and when we were done, I saw it. I'm not sure what to feel. I was just starting to feel like maybe I could forgive myself for what happened to you, but now I can't. I should never."

"Sica..."

It must have been awful for Jessica to see that, to find out that way.

"Why?" Jessica asked.

"Why what?"

"I have tried to understand why you don't want to talk about everything else. So I've been waiting and I'll respect your decision to resolve them in your own time. But this is different and you know it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how to bring it up, and I didn't feel like thinking about how to tell you about it."

"Why are you okay with this, pretending like there's not a ing big issue in our relationship and just proceeding like everything's normal?"

Taeyeon looked back at Jessica and smiled. "Does it seem like I am? I'm not that okay with it."

"Then why did you keep this from me?"

"Because I... it doesn't matter."

Jessica's eyes flashed. "Is this why you kept saying 'you can do whatever you want to me'?" 

Guilt filled Taeyeon. She couldn't answer.

"That's unfair to me, Taeyeon."

"I'm sorry," Taeyeon said, voice small. 

"Is that what you've been thinking whenever we touch? Kiss? Make out? I feel like everything we've done since then is tainted."

"Please don't feel that way," Taeyeon said, feeling more awful by the second.

"God ing hell, why wouldn't I?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't just apologize. What were you thinking?"

"I told you," Taeyeon said, "I didn't want to think about it. When I said 'you can do whatever you want', that was just me coping with it. I want to think of it as a joke. I was going to tell you when I was ready to. I swear I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Congrats then."

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

"No, Taengoo. You'd do it again if I didn't call you out on it. You'd do like this again and again and again if you keep everything to yourself. Don't you see? We can get through this together, and then you'll see that talking helps."

"Why do you keep wanting to 'talk', like it's going to solve anything? This doesn't change anything... It shouldn't change how we act around each other."

"But of course it does. I can't just ignore it."

"Then try. It's my back, not yours. It's not your fault so don't make it your business."

Jessica stilled. Taeyeon didn't regret her words, but she did regret saying them.

Jessica narrowed her eyes. "In a relationship, two people support each other. They're better because they're together. It's not just a cliche that love is based on trust. You said you love me. Is earning your love worth so little?"

"It's not that..." felt dry. Jessica was making sense. She wasn't; she was wrong. "I'm sorry. I should have told you."

Jessica's face was stone. Then it finally softened. "I was mad, but I didn't want to chew you out when I brought this up. I just wanted to understand this. I'm worried about you. You keep running away when we should be trusting and supporting each other.  It's not healthy keeping something like this bottled up inside."

When Jessica had called her out on 'running away', it hurt. She expected Jessica to wait for her no matter how long it took. To not judge. Taeyeon swallowed hard. "I don't know how to talk about it, especially with you."

"But it's my name and we're us. There's no one more appropriate for this than me."

"You're right."

"So, do you want to talk about it?"

Taeyeon wanted to let it all out but, it didn't matter how safe she felt with Jessica, she still didn't know how. 

"Trust me."

"Fine. But you talk about it."

"That's not you talking about it, stupid." 

"Then let's talk about it later."

"No. We get over this now."

They lay side by side on the bed, facing the ceiling, heads not far apart.

Jessica cleared . "So before, when eating out was expensive for us, I used to cook for my mom, Krystal and I. There was once I was cutting a cucumber and the knife slipped and I cut my palm-"

"How do you cut your palm cutting a cucum-"

"Shut up." Jessica held out her hand and, under the moonlight, Taeyeon could see a thin line at the edge of Jessica's palm, in the crook between her thumb and index finger. "Anyway, I remember pulling out the knife, like I actually had to pull a bit. And it wasn't a deep cut because I didn't need stitches or even the doctor, but there was a lot of blood and it hurt. So what I'm trying to say is... I can empathize, but I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like, and I'm not going to pretend to understand, okay?"

"Okay, person who fights for a living."

"Don't try to make me feel better, Taengoo. Even in the illegal fights we didn't do half that sadistic . You're freaking strong."

"Alright," Taeyeon said with a wide smile. "I'm a muddafugging badass."

"No... you're a head."

Taeyeon giggled. "You attempting sincere conversation is funny."

"You don't get to talk to me about sincere conversation," Jessica said. "If we weren't both such losers at this we would have had gotten this out of the way months ago."

"The most stuck up woman in Korea calling herself a loser? Shocker."

"You're not gonna distract me, . We're going to get through this damned sincere conversation."

Taeyeon waited patiently. She was relieved that Jessica was accepting her flippant answers and calling her names. It made things so much more bearable.

"So we talked about the physical part of it, now-"

Taeyeon guffawed. "You really at this, Sica."

"I'm going to strangle you if you don't shut up," Jessica said. Taeyeon pretended to dip her head contritely. "Actually, I can't proceed if I don't know what you're thinking... How do you feel about it?"

Taeyeon took a while before she answered. She hadn't wanted to acknowledge any negative thoughts. Finally, "How I feel about what?"

"You're such an . About anything. Like, when I saw it, I was shocked... and so damn angry when I saw it. I wanted to find Kim Jiwon first thing and kill him."

"Don't," Taeyeon managed to say. Jessica's admission made her fingers go numb. The thought of going against Goldmoon, against Kim Jiwon, was making her head spin.

"I know, of course I won't," Jessica said. "It was just what I felt."

When Taeyeon let the silence drag out, Jessica sighed. "So what do you think?"

Taeyeon opened , but her voice died in . Jessica was expecting a real answer. She deserved it and Taeyeon wanted to give one to her. Her words came out shakier than she wanted. "It's physically there, I still remember exactly how it felt like, so sometimes it's on my mind a lot. And I feel... I f-feel..."

If she said anymore, she was going to cry all over her words, and she didn't want to break down in front of Jessica. "...so damn-" her voice was cracking and she was gasping with each syllable, "d-dirty... and like I-I'm... w-w-worthless."

Taeyeon turned away and Jessica was the one hugging her from the back now. "Kim Taeyeon, you're not dirty... you're like a ing pure sheep.... and you're worth a hell lot."

She shook like a leaf in Jessica's arms. Showing this side of herself to Jessica was making her cry even more. It took a long time until she calmed down. 

"I dunno, I'm dumb... So just forget about it, Sica. You don't have to feel guilty about this..."

Jessica sighed. "I can't just suddenly stop being guilty. It's hard for me to un-know."

"I understand... it's the same way for me," Taeyeon said, turning around. Jessica let go of her. "Hey, let's just go to Baekdamsa Temple, add a wish to the rock piles, and forget the whole thing."

"You don't even believe in that ."

"Just because it isn't true doesn't mean it's not real," Taeyeon said. "Or we could kiss our memories away?"

Jessica scoffed at Taeyeon's erted puppy eyes, even if they were puffy from all the crying. "You're such a dork that sometimes I find it hard to believe you were a damn urchin. You hobo types are usually rougher and more... in the present."

"It's my natural charm. Was born with so much of it a little street couldn't take it away." 

Taeyeon had enough of talking. As nice as it was to be serious for once, she wanted to prove with her actions that things were going to be okay.

Taeyeon grasped the edges of her shirt. Her fingers went numb again. With a deep breath, she sat up, and in one motion pulled off her shirt.

"What are you doing?" Jessica asked. In the dimly moonlit room, she could see Taeyeon's bare torso. 

"Take off your shirt, Sica."

Jessica sat up and slipped off her shirt. She followed Taeyeon in lying down again and pulled the blanket over them both.

"Do we really have to be half ?"

"Yep."

"Okay..."

"Sica."

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for the sincere conversation."

"Yeah. Let's work through this together."

"To the day when we can joke freely about this."

"Yeah."

A/N: Argh exams T.T I really appreciate all of the comments/subscriptions last chapter! It motivates me to try writing better. And I'm sorry if things weren't clear before... hope they are now. If all goes well, this story will be completed soon:) Good or bad, let me know what you thought about this chapter!