CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Hangover

As soon as Taeyeon got home, she took a shower, shut herself in her room and worked on the next batch of web comics. She was happy for Sooyoung, of course. Kyungho was a good guy. Helping with the preparations for the past week had been tiring. Taeyeon didn't think it was bad work, since Sooyoung was going to benefit from it, but it was still exhausting. She had been non-stop surrounded by Kyungho's family and friends. Some of them thought it was a shady marriage for someone decent and highly educated like Kyungho to be taken by some restaurant-running woman with no family or background. As Sooyoung's only representative, Taeyeon tried to be respectful and cordial to everyone, but she didn't think she put anyone on Kyungho's side at peace. Mostly, though, Kyungho's friends were as nice as he was, so it wasn't that bad.

After being inundated by the sea of people who came together only because of a wedding, Taeyeon felt empty. She just needed to work on something.

In the brightness of her room, and with her cell phone face down on the table, Taeyeon thought time pass by easily. Time crawled. Her missing finger ached. The base of her spine twinged. She was not losing herself in drawing as usual. Why? Because her comics would get uploaded, most of Naver's user base would ignore it, ten thousand people would scroll by it, and maybe one thousand people would actually give a comment or a like. Then she would earn just enough to pay for food expenses.

It wasn't pointless. Taeyeon was grateful for anyone who spent a minute of their life on what she spent three days on. But she felt stupid for feeling so happy about something so inconsequential.

"." She put her head down and did work. It's not like she was going to do something else. This was just a phase. It would pass. So Taeyeon continued working.

When she was done, Taeyeon checked her phone. It was three to seven in the morning. She stretched.

It was Monday. She usually didn't go to Shikshin on Mondays, but then she realized she wouldn't have to go to Shikshin for more than one week. Not until next Thursday. It was a lot of days to do many things. 

It was weird. Now that Sooyoung was married, she wasn't going to be able to- and Taeyeon didn't want her to have to- dedicate the same amount of time and effort to their friendship. And when Sooyoung had kids, that would be it. Thinking about it just made Taeyeon not want to leave her bed. 

Her stomach growled. Fine. Taeyeon went to the kitchen to make breakfast. She filled a small pot with water and put an uncracked egg inside. Once it came to a boil, she added noodles. When everything was cooked, she added some kimchi from the fridge and brought the pot out to the dining table. She put it on a coaster, peeled the hardboiled egg, and ate.

With a jingle of keys, the front door opened. Jessica was back from her morning roadwork. "Hey."

"Morning," Taeyeon said.

Jessica microwaved her daily bowl of oatmeal and sliced a banana into it. Then she joined Taeyeon at the table. "What are you doing today?"

"Draw, I think. Not sure if Sunny and the rest are meeting for dinner today since the weekend was so long, but do you wanna join us?" Taeyeon was pretty sure things were okay between Jessica and the rest now.

"It's fine. Like you said, the weekend was long. I won't feel up to it after training today."

"Let's eat dinner together then. Craving anything? I'll make it."

"Nah, you should meet with the rest. I'll just get dinner with coach. We have to discuss things."

"Okay. Right, when's your next match?"

"In three weeks, I'll be going to Indonesia to fight against Joanna Jedzeychick... Jedrzejczyk."

Taeyeon laughed. "Could you repeat that?"

"Jedzreejick. Whatever, I'm Asian. She's the Muay Thai champ in Europe. I'm going to have to train at one hundred percent. Not that I don't always do that anyway."

"You can do it."

"Sure," Jessica said between mouthfuls. "I'm the Korean champ so we'll see who is better."

Hot damn. Everything about Jessica's life was meaningful and significant. Jessica wasn't average. Taeyeon wished there was something more to herself, something that defined her other than a mediocre existence and some traumatic experiences. Jessica was so much better than her, and Taeyeon could see how much work she put into getting that way. Jessica didn't live her life like most people.

Well, there was one thing Taeyeon wanted to do, but most times it just seemed so impossible and ludicrious to dream about. Making webtoons was nice, but Taeyeon wanted to get published. She wanted her work to be on the bookshelves of millions of households. It would mean that she'd connected to thousands and thousands of people. It was a long shot, and only maybe one of ten thousand comic book artists ever made it, but Taeyeon didn't want to half- it. But maybe... she wouldn't actually do it. She wasn't Jessica, after all. She was just a nobody trying to make her ty life seem better with farfetched ideals.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Jessica asked.

"Uh..." No, too embarrassing. Taeyeon would tell Jessica if she ever made it. "You're cutest in the morning."

"Yeah, right," Jessica said under her breath. "I bet you weren't thinking that."

Taeyeon grinned. "Oops."

Jessica stared at Taeyeon for a moment. "The bachelorette party was fun, by the way."

"I know right? Everyone- other than you- has such good chemistry, so it was super fun." 

"Ha, ha, very funny. I got along with them just fine. The one out of place was Seohyun."

"Rude."

Jessica ignored her. "You got so drunk. I was at amazed at how many cups you downed."

"My best friend was getting married! It was my duty. The whole of Saturday was crap though." Taeyeon winced at the memory. "And still having to do all that preparation. And yesterday! Oh my god, you were so lucky you didn't have to go to Kyungho's family home for the traditional stuff. It was so damn long... he has like a million relatives."

"That's right, bring your gay partner to a bunch of old people."

Taeyeon pouted. "It might've been less boring."

"Whatever. You looked like Saturday because of your hangover. What do you even remember of the party?"

Taeyeon squinted while she thought. It was all a blur. "Everything? Or at least the beginning... There was a lot of noraebang, a lot of drinking. Then there's bits and pieces of some stripping game. And we made out, right? When I woke up I wasn't wearing anything waist down."

"So we made out and went to sleep?"

"I guess so? Why are you even asking me. You drank, like, nothing, athlete-nim."

"Because..." Jessica looked unsure. "We didn't just make out, right?"

Taeyeon stared at Jessica for several moments, and then it clicked. "Goddammit how many times you gotta be me, Sica?"

Jessica looked at her so sharply that Taeyeon dropped her smile.

"What?" Taeyeon asked. "It's just a joke, as usual...?"

Jessica's gaze was unusually intense. Didn't they trade quips like this all the time? Jessica kept asking her about the party. Did she do something when she out? Did she screw up somehow? Did she say something when she was drunk? Taeyeon knew she had her shirt on the whole night, so Jessica couldn't know about her back. Jessica was staring calculatively and it was suffocating... 

Then Jessica cracked a smile. "You should see the look on your face."

"What the hell?"

"You looked like you actually did something wrong. Something you're not telling me, Taengoo?"

Taeyeon hesitated.

One month after getting discharged from Gimpo Woori Hospital, Jessica came into her bedroom. 

Usually it was Taeyeon who went to Jessica's room, since roomates shouldn't have to walk in on awkward situations. Sooyoung was out on some date with a man Taeyeon didn't know about. It was a bit of a mind, Sooyoung hanging out with anyone else, let alone going out on a date. But Shikshin was doing so well that Sooyoung didn't have to be at the restaurant all the time. Taeyeon put down her nib pen and turned around in Tiffany's hot pink swivel chair. Jessica took a seat on the bed.

"What's up?"

"Are you free to talk?"

Taeyeon shrugged. "Sure. What's with the 'are you free to talk'. Heol."

"Well... we haven't talked about this yet." Jessica looked unsure of herself. 

"Ah... that." Taeyeon could guess where the conversation was headed, because they had both deliberately left the warehouse kidnapping alone. It was an unspoken agreement that they had reached. Taeyeon knew that Jessica was giving her time to come to terms with it and bring it up herself if she needed support. Truth be told, Taeyeon knew she would never want to talk about it.

"Yes," Jessica said. Taeyeon felt sorry for her. Jessica probably felt she wasn't being supportive enough, but Taeyeon drew plenty of comfort from Jessica just sticking around. "Sooyoung said I should talk to you."

"She's making a big deal out of nothing. I'm fine." Taeyeon's default response to Sooyoung was to shut all such conversations down.

"You're not."

"There's nothing to talk about," Taeyeon said. What was Jessica going to do? Accompany her to every bus stop? Get everyone she saw wearing a cheap suit to stop dressing like a hoodlum? Help her go to sleep in less than two hours? Flush out her excessively vivid nightmares? Miraculously heal the permanent damage to her body? Erase Kim Jiwon and everyone at the warehouse from her memory? These were all issues that she had to resolve on her own. 

"It eats at you every day, doesn't it? I'll just listen. I won't say anything."

"I don't want to talk about it." 

Jessica changed tack. "What about me, how do you think I feel about this whole thing starting because of me? I'm not fine. I need to talk to you. The fact that we won't talk about this is killing me. I'm going crazy... I can't take it anymore."

Taeyeon leaned back and held her tongue. Her instinct was to help Jessica... And her issues with the abduction aside, Jessica did deserve to know about the scar on her back...

Jessica ran a hand through her hair. "Sooyoung also said you'd do this."

"Let's just drop it then," Taeyeon said. She turned back to the table and started inking the pencil draft again. When she finally glanced back, Jessica was staring at her with tearstained cheeks. Taeyeon dropped her pen and stood up as Jessica pulled her into a hug. 

Jessica buried her face in Taeyeon's shoulder. "If you won't talk, that's okay. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm so ing sorry."

With Jessica crying into her, Taeyeon's throat became tight. "I told you already, don't be like this."

"It was all because of me... I don't know why you're not hating me. They could've taken Krystal- that makes more sense, doesn't it?"

"It doesn't matter. Krystal shouldn't go through that."

"I feel like such a ," Jessica said. Taeyeon's insides twisted. "I'm relieved Krystal didn't, but you shouldn't have taken her place. I wish none of this ever happened. I hate this! I hate this so ing much."

Taeyeon glared hard, up at the ceiling, but tears still spilled over. Jessica was putting the full intensity of her feelings into the hug, and Taeyeon could feel every ounce of sadness and anger. Taeyeon didn't know why she didn't feel any resentment towards Jessica. That would be the rational response.

No, Taeyeon was getting a headache. Jung Sooyeon may have been why they'd chosen her, but Kim Jiwon and his bastards had done everything.  "I don't blame you, Sica."

Jessica grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her back. "Stop being nice and think about yourself. You should. I've only dragged you through crap this whole time. I'm talking about everything."

"You've given me good things too, Sica. Don't discount them. They're important to me."

"Not a good enough reason. You should either leave me or forgive me. You shouldn't be just here."

The urge to cry came back.

"Even though I don't deserve you, there's a part of me that is selfish enough to continue letting you just stay here without doing what you should."

"Then just let things be. I want to stay. I don't have anything to forgive you for over this. Try to take a step back and stop blaming yourself. Please give me more time... I promise I'll talk to you everything when we're both ready, okay?"

Taeyeon didn't want to keep that promise. How could she be expected to? At the same time, so long as they stayed together, Jessica would eventually find out about her back. Taeyeon had a responsibility to let Jessica know about it firsthand. She would gently do so. Eventually. One day. 

"Yeah, I'm secretly a billionaire with ten helicopters and tonight I'm going to take one of them to my fancy- Jeju mansion."

Taeyeon caught the disappointment that flitted across Jessica's face, and felt guilty for being evasive yet again, but she wasn't ready. 

Besides, beneath that dominant persona, Jessica was sensitive to issues close to her heart. Taeyeon just had to remember Jessica hitting and ditching her to know that. When Jessica found out about the scars, she would be devastated. Taeyeon couldn't knowingly do that to Jessica. 

So Taeyeon had to figure out exactly what to say about it, but she didn't even want to think about it. The scars were just one thing. She just wanted to carry on with life and make something of herself, not continue wallowing in the ty depths as if she was condemned to it forever and ever.

A/N: Happy 27th to Taeyeon! LOL if this is a crappy chapter then it's not worthy of being posted for 309 reasons. Thank you guys so much for all the comments/subscriptions last chapter. Let me know what you thought of this one!