“I hate you, Lee Hyukjae, I hate you so much!” he sobbed and Hyukjae felt like he just died. The words crashed into his weak heart and shattered it in little pieces. His eyes stared to water quickly and he bent his head to hide the tears from Donghae. He threw his things into his bag and ran out of the class, too hurt to look at the other as he passed him.

He couldn’t believe it. For a while he was really happy to see Donghae again, alive and healthy but when their eyes met everything fell on him. The pain in his eyes, the truth that him blaming himself was right, the hopelessness of the fact, that the person he loved so madly hated him.

“Come with me..,” Hyukjae’s chest hurt like hell and he was scared what will happen, still he found enough strength to stop himself on the corridor, back turned to Donghae as he whispered to him. He didn’t wait for an answer and reached his hand pulling him out of the building.

It was there that he finally stopped holding back his tears. “Why?” he cried, feeling his knees trembling, still holding Donghae’s wrist to support himself. “Why?”

Donghae watched Hyukjae crying and his anger was suddenly met with something else. He didn’t want to see him like this – looking like he will break any second as if he wasn’t sobbing mess by now anyway. He felt like crying too.

He shook his head violently and pulled his hand from Hyukjae’s grip. He shouldn’t be like this. He came here to beat this guy up for making Ryeowook leave him, not to care about his tears. Ha laughed bitterly as he replied, coldness and hate in his voice again. “Why? I was happy, I had boyfriend I had been with and loved with all my heart for 4 damn years. There was nothing I missed in my life and then... then I met you and all of it is gone. You took it all away from me! That’s why I hate you, Hyukjae. It’s simple, isn’t it?”

Hyukjae stared at him in shock. “I-I didn’t know... I’m so sorry...”

“You don’t need to be, Hyukjae, it won’t bring it back. I the give a damn if you’re sorry or not. I just hate you for showing your stupid face in front of me!” he yelled and punched Hyukjae right into the nose. Hard. He so wanted to do it and it actually helped him a lot when he really did. He felt the anger slowly disappearing, leaving only sadness and pain.

Hyukjae saw Donghae through his fingers as he was holding on his hurting nose, to hide his face in his palms. He felt like a murder. He took everything from the person he wanted to see only smile happily. He took his laughter, the sparkle in his eyes he loved so much and broke his heart. “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly. If he could, he would punch himself too – even harder. He would beat the life out of himself but watching the one he loved hurt so much because of him was much more painful than every hit he could ever get.

His chest was clenched and breathing short. He couldn’t stand it anymore but wasn’t able to take his eyes off Donghae. He wanted to hug and comfort him but how would it help when he was the one who made him like this in the first place? He didn’t want to make things even worse.

Hyukjae’s tears were still flowing down his cheeks from despair of being so selfish to ruin someone’s happiness because of his own feelings, yet he sighed heavily and took those two steps to Donghae. Without any word he stood next to him and stared into nothing. His whole life was shattered because of his stupidity so why did he try to act so strong when all he wanted to do was bury himself somewhere and cry his eyes out? Right, it was because as much as he knew he shouldn’t show himself in front of Donghae ever again, he felt a need to help him at least now that he looked so vulnerable and broken.

“Is there... something that can be done about it? You know, if I met him and told him there’s nothing between us..,” Hyukjae’s heart cracked again when he gave up on his love for Donghae to try save what he destroyed so thoughtlessly. He looked at him with hope but the other just shook his head. “It’s not about us being together, it’s about you being in my mind.”

Hyukjae’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I said ‘IT’S ABOUT YOU BEING IN MY MIND’! Don’t you get it?! I’m thinking about you far more that the one I loved for so long!” Donghae turned his head from confused Hyukjae, embarrassed when he realized how it sounded just after he shouted his hate at him. “And I still love him,” he added quietly more to convince himself that the other. To talk honestly he wasn’t sure. What if what Ryeowook told him earlier that day was truth? Why else would he now have almost friendly conversation with the person he wanted to beat to death less than half an hour ago? He was scared. He didn’t want to admit it could ever happen. Especially not with this guy.



Donghae stood in the door of his boyfriend’s new apartment, begging eyes scanning the small guy he once used to hug and cuddle freely. He felt desire to touch the him, embrace him tight, whisper comforting words for him and never let go.

“Donghae,” Ryeowook said, sadness in his voice, never looking in his eyes. “Did you eat the food I cooked for you? Do you need more? I ha-”

“Wookie..,” the latter interrupted, “Please, come back with me.”

Ryeowook smiled weakly at the name Donghae called him. “I can’t, Donghae. I can’t be with you anymore when your thoughts are full of someone else.”

“But he’s just a classmate, there’s nothing between us! I love only you, Wookie!” he shouted desperately, grabbing the other’s shoulders but he freed himself without much effort. “No, Donghae, you don’t. Just when will you stop lying to me... and yourself?! Our time is gone, Hae, go and open your heart for the one who took my place in there,” he touched Donghae’s chest lightly before turning back in the house. “Goodbye,” he whispered and without waiting for a reply closed the door in front of his now really ex-boyfriend, whose tears started to fall for a thousandth time in last days.

Donghae leaned on the wall next to the door which so willingly hid his love from him, and slid down on the cold tiled floor. He felt weak, stupid and mad at that blonde idiot who made him like this – begging his used-to-be lover to return to him.



Donghae looked at the still out-of-his-mind guy next to him. Could it be that his heart really chose this man instead of his sweet caring Wookie? Donghae took in every detail of Hyukjae, trying to find out just what was so amazing about him. He had his beautiful dark eyes pinned on something far away, traces from tears still visible on his pale smooth skin. Striking nose with a small bruise from the punch he gave him before, high cheekbones, sharp jawline, muscular body, the way his long fingers intertwined when he sat on the bench hugging his knees... Donghae gulped loudly. He couldn’t deny the guy was beautiful but would he like him just because of it? Was he really so simple? It was different with Ryeowook. Sure he thought he was pretty but he loved him mainly for his gentle personality.

He sighed when the fact that he’s not with him anymore flew over him again and Hyukjae smiled sadly. It was so different from the huge gummy smile he was always wearing in the course. So unusual, odd... and suddenly Donghae knew he missed him – the crazy, playful, loud Hyukjae.


**


“Are you sure?” Hangeng asked when Ryeowook entered the living room of his new small apartment as soon as he shut the door in front of Donghae. He heard their conversation but didn’t believe his friend’s words much. He knew how much Ryeowook missed him – he wouldn’t be staying there for a fourth day if not.

“About what?” Ryeowook replied, throwing his body on a dark blue sofa in the middle of the room. He was pretty well aware of what Hangeng meant but didn’t want to answer immediately. He needed some time to think even if it was only few seconds.

The Chinaman sighed loudly, climbing next to Wookie and pulled him into hug. “You know what I’m talking about. Try to think about it – you just sent him to someone else even thought all you want is for him to come back and never leave you. But now he won’t return again. Are you sure you can stand seeing him with another man?”

It was the tone Hangeng used and the fact that his Korean didn’t sound so broken when talking seriously, what made Ryeowook really look into the shards of his heart. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly after a while. “ I just want him to be happy and if his heart calls for someone else how can I still hold on it? It hurts, Hannie, it hurts so much to cut all those bonds we were building for so long but it would hurt even more to be with him when he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s for the best of both of us..,” he whispered, not trusting his voice, and cuddled closer to his friend.

There was a peaceful silence for few minutes, both of them too occupied with their thoughts to talk, until Ryeowook spoke again. “Won’t your company look for you when you spent so much time here with me?”

Hangeng smiled lightly at the guy’s concern. “I told them I won’t be coming for few days. It’s not like we’ll bankrupt if I take a day off,” he slowly rubbed Ryeowook’s back to comfort him. “I can be here with you as long as you need.”

Ryeowook smiled gratefully. “Thank you...”

“Uhmm, whatever for my little Wookie.”


**


Jongwoon looked in the direction where Kyuhyun was staring since they came to the library and smirked. His smart dongsaeng has been more than obvious with his interest for that psychological guy lately. He watched as the pretty, cute boy in bright pink waistcoat with bunny pattern pushed his thick black framed glasses up his nose and said something to a tall, slim, desperately looking guy next to him before leaning to him to show him something in the book.

Jongwoon chuckled amusedly when Kyuhyun’s eyes narrowed at the last slightly intimate act between the two men. “Gonna give it a try?” he punched the latter on the shoulder lightly, only to gain himself an upset glare. He gulped. It was never good having evil Kyu mad. You couldn’t predict what even more evil he will come up with if you piss him off.

“No way,” Kyuhyun snarled taking his eyes off the pink guy. “Just wanna get to know him and that involves people he’s in closer contact with.”

“For you to kill them for being TOO close? Oh my, you’re so obvious, Kyuhyun. Just give it up already and go get him,” Jongwoon purred quietly, turning his gaze back to his friend’s man. He smiled widely when he got a glance from the smaller one, and waved at him keenly. The latter blushed hard, bowing his head abruptly but returned the greeting anyway. Now Jongwoon was satisfied. “Hey, Kyu, look,” he poked his studying friend into ribs, still waving with the other hand. “He kn-”

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Kyuhyun shouted when he finally lifted his look to find Jongwoon flying his arms in the air in huge gestures, mouthing at his stalker to come join them at their table, while Sungmin just shook his head furiously, pointing at Kyuhyun.

Half of the library shot them annoyed glare when Kyuhyun yelled loudly. He just smacked his hyung on head and bent over the notes again. “Were you born so stupid or did living in your own dimension damaged your brain so much?” he whispered angrily.

“I just wanted to help..,” Jongwoon cried out pouting. “You don’t have to kill me for that.”

Kyuhyun just sighed watching as his bunny boy laughed at him and couldn’t help a small smile to creep onto his lips. Could it be that Jongwoon knew what he’s doing for once?



Hyukjae put his pen down and scanned studying Sungmin with his eyes for a moment. “Aren’t you gonna go there? It’s a chance to get closer to him,” the two of them stopped laughing at Kyuhyun just a minute ago but the atmosphere between them was already pretty serious. It’s true it was because of Hyukjae’s project but he still didn’t like the sudden change.

“And tell him what? ‘Sorry I saw your friend waving at me like a mad man so I came for the sake of his right mind’?” Sungmin replied flatly, turning a page of a dictionary he was searching in.

Hyukjae giggled. “It actually doesn’t sound that bad. Just like from someone of your specialty,” he nodded still with a huge smile but turned back to seriousness when his eyes met Sungmin’s ironical smirk. “Come on, hyung, you can’t hide yourself forever or someone will steal that prince of yours for himself.”

Sungmin closed the book with a loud bang and shot a deadly glare at the other. “What of prince is someone who calls you distraction and stalker?!” it was a bit more than two weeks since Kyuhyun officially introduced himself to him and hurt him with his insensitive words but Sungmin still didn’t forget it and was more or less avoiding him. It was quite difficult since Kyuhyun seemed to pop out of nowhere every time Sungmin got his guard down and he himself felt a need to see him pretty often. No way, I can’t forgive him that easily, he reminded himself as his hesitating look shot to Kyuhyun’s table again. He and his friend were both busy with their studies.

“But he has a point,” Hyukjae interrupted his thoughts harshly. “You really acted like stalker and to tell the truth now you’re like jealous girlfriend suspecting him of cheating. Let it go, hyung, how could he guess he should be gentle with his words when he doesn’t know about your feelings? Besides, didn’t you say it’s cool how cold and naughty he acts?” he winked and Sungmin’s cheeks once more turned dark shade of pink. He indeed found Kyuhyun’s behavior attractive but somehow wanted him to be different for him. He wanted to find the nice caring side of the guy.

“By the way, I met with Donghae,” Hyukjae’s voice went to whispering almost too quiet even for Sungmin to hear.

“Isn’t it a good thing?” he asked confused, sensing sadness behind the statement.

“Did you know his boyfriend broke up with him after four years because of me?” he lifted his defeated look to Sungmin who gasped.

“But why? You aren’t going out with him, are you?”

Hyukjae chuckled darkly. “It’s not about us being together. It’s about me being in his mind,” he repeated Donghae’s words feeling the hopelessness of the moment he said them again. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t see him anymore after this. I took everything from him, hyung, everything. Even that beautiful smile. There’s only pain in his eyes now, nothing else.”

Sungmin sighed, his brain automatically analyzing the situation. “Neh, Hyukjae,” he said after few seconds. “If you’re in his mind, doesn’t it mean he likes you back?” he asked carefully.

“You didn’t see him. He was like going to break every moment. I just can’t be happy for him thinking about me when it hurts him so much. I was right, you know. When he didn’t show up in the course I thought that maybe I shouldn’t have confessed and I was right. If I haven’t done it he would still be happy with his boyfriend. What can I do, hyung? He said there’s no way to get them back together,” Hyukjae let his head drop on the table as the familiar desperate feeling poured over him. “What can I do?”

Sungmin patted him on the head with another quiet sigh. “Just give him a time. He has to decide for himself if he wants to fight for his previous relationship or open up for a new one. Don’t give up, Hyukkie,” he whispered, caressing his hairs before making him lift his head. “Now let’s focus on the project, you have to finish it soon, don’t you?”

Hyukjae nodded but wasn’t sure if his friend was right. He studied psychology but it didn’t mean his conclusions were always true. He knew Donghae better. He knew that even thought their conversation turned out a bit more peaceful in the end, it’ll take him a long time if ever he’ll get over their break up and forgive Hyukjae for being unintentional culprit. Just now that he thought about it Hyukjae realized how much in love Donghae had to be with that guy. Being the kind person he was, it had to hurt him a lot when his boyfriend left him.

He mentally slapped himself. Had he blonde hairs really affected him so much? How could he confess to someone with Donghae’s personality without knowing anything? How could he think it was okay and even pity himself when he stopped going to the course? Yeah, right, he shouldn’t see him again. Maybe it would be better to find another English class to be sure they really won’t meet. Maybe that way Donghae will be able to make up with his lover. Hyukjae nodded fiercely at his decision. He couldn’t live, knowing he ruined his love’s life even if the feelings were only one-sided.

Sungmin watched thinking Hyukjae in the corner of his eyes. He was quite nervous from the way his dongsaeng’s expression changed from pained to angry to determined. He had an unpleasant feeling that Hyukjae will do something stupid. He shook his head lightly, convinced it would be for the best if he was around if something went too wrong.


**


Kyuhyun stood in front of the class waiting for a lesson to end. Even thought his typical smirk never left his lips even for a second, he felt nervous. He wasn’t really the type of guy who would wait for someone who’s trying to meet him as little as possible, to see him but he simply ran out of patience with Sungmin. He had to know why he stalked him and stopped so suddenly after their introduction. He somehow missed his everlasting presence and shy glances he shot him time to time.

He didn’t have a chance to think much thought, since first people started leaving the room just a minute after he leaned on the wall opposite to the doors, and he was forced to quickly search for his man. He saw him going slowly alone, thick book in his hands, glasses on cute small nose as he was reading something with a little smile.

Kyuhyun took a deep breath before elbowing through the crowd and patting the guy on the shoulder. “Hey, man,” he said sounding confident as always – he was Cho Kyuhyun after all – but inside he was dying from self-consciousness.

Sungmin jumped on the unexpected touch and threw a glance at the intruder. His smile faded the second his mind registered who it was, being replaced by an angry frown. “What do you want?” he snarled, still clearly remembering the betrayed feeling this man left in him the last time he came to him like this. Yeah it was three weeks now, so what? He really liked him and hearing those words hurt him a lot.

Kyuhyun backed away a bit, uncomfortable with the sudden change. He was confused. What did he do so wrong in those few seconds they spent together today, that Sungmin was already mad at him? But being the person he was, Kyuhyun pushed it in the back of his mind along with the strange saddened feeling, which slowly crept into his heart the moment Sungmin glared at him with all disgust of the world. “You still owe me an answer. I came for it.”

Sungmin’s eyebrows shot up. When did he even ask anything? He wanted to ignore him and leave but the need to see him at least for a one more minute was stronger. “Answer to what?”

“Why did you stalk me?”

Here it went again. All the stalker/distraction thing, the desire to say it, the common sense telling him there’s 96% probability, that Kyuhyun doesn’t have same preferences and even bigger that he doesn’t like him back. The hopelessness and indecisiveness mixed in him into something dangerous waiting for one wrong step. And Kyuhyun made it.

He watched emotions run through Sungmin’s face as he bowed his head with a dark blush. He saw him like this before but it was different this time. His heart was beating faster, his mind full of thoughts about the guy’s cuteness, the pain he felt in his chest when he saw hurt in his bunny boy’s eyes for a moment. He feared the feeling, knowing oh so well what it meant. He didn’t want it, there was no way this could happen to someone so perfect as he was. Where were all the dreams about beautiful wife and children now that he found himself over-helmed by the small pink man? He needed to get rid of it. It couldn’t be true. It was surely just some momentarily glimmer of his weak self. Was he really so lonely? Maybe he should get himself some girl for a night to shove it away. “Don’t tell me you like me,” he cackled sarcastically.

Sungmin exploded when Kyuhyun said those six words with the most scornful tone he had ever heard, laughing at him. He wasn’t surprised, he felt it coming as Kyuhyun stared down at him all the time but he didn’t expect it to be in this way. He thought he’ll want to punch him or something but instead he felt sobs to create in his throat. “SO WHAT?!” he yelled, tears running down his cheeks. “YOU HATE ME FOR BEING GAY?! OKAY, FEEL FREE TO DO IT, BECAUSE I HATE YOU TOO, MR. I’M-SO-COOL-I-CAN-HUMILIATE-EVERYONE-AS-I-WANT! Don’t you ever show your damn face in front of me again, Kyuhyun whatever your surname is, or I swear I’ll kill you!” he clutched at his chest ignoring the stares people gave them as they stopped on the corridor to watch the drama. It hurt so much. He was almost ready to forgive him for what he said before but this was just too much. How could he laugh at his feelings with such an ease? Sungmin bent for the book he dropped when Kyuhyun surprised him and ran away, leaving the startled man behind.

Kyuhyun ran a hand through his hairs and sighed pulling out his cell phone from the jeans pocket. “Hyung,” he said slowly into the gadget when the other answered the call. “Is it possible that the guy loves me?”
 

Sungmin didn’t stop running until he reached the familiar bench in the campus’ park. He threw the book and school bag on the ground not giving a damn about if it’ll get damaged and kicked the nearest thing he could find hard. He felt something in his chest crack and shatter into million pieces and it hurt. It hurt so ing much that no physical pain could be compared with it. He kicked into the air again with a loud shout and let his body fall flat on the chilly ground as his legs refused to hold him anymore. The tears were still flowing from his eyes as he kept yelling out his despair and pain, throat hurting and shaking voice becoming weaker and weaker with every next shout. Sungmin’s whole being trembled from sobs and coldness of an early December afternoon as he punched the grass under him few times, staring into nothing, the pain slowly getting numb, leaving only pure emptiness.

He couldn’t get it. If Kyuhyun knew from the beginning why didn’t he say something? Why did he have to hurt him so badly? Was he really enjoying it? Was he happy now? Sungmin wouldn’t care that much if he just refused him – he would be sad and hurt but he knew about this possibility pretty well – but the way Kyuhyun chose was just too unhuman for Sungmin’s gentle personality. Now he was sure. He was convinced Kyuhyun would never treat him differently, still he found himself fighting back the urge to give up, wanting to give him one more chance; try and forget it as much as Kyuhyun messed up this time. He just loved him too much and too long to throw it all away.

He sighed and stood up unsteadily. He needed to take his mind off it. There was no way he could tell Hyukjae even thought he would really appreciate having him by his side now. He promised himself to take care of him with his Donghae-problem, so how could he possibly bother him with his own situation? Sungmin took his bag, sad smile back on his lips, and searched for his faithful friend whenever he needed to clear his head. He took a deep breath when his fist clenched around the metal base of nunchucks, feeling strange calmness pouring down his body as he stood into the position and began his favorite routine. Kung-fu never failed to bring peace into his troubled mind.
 

“Hyung, is it possible that the guy loves me?”

Jongwoon knew there was something wrong the moment Kyuhyun called him hyung – in all the time they knew each other he never did it no matter how many times Jongwoon reminded him that he’s actually 4 years older – but what came next made him choke on his chewing gum badly.

“How did you get the idea?” he coughed catching his breath.

He heard many voices whisper in the background before Kyuhyun answered quietly. “I just went to meet him. Wanted to know why he was watching me but he... you know... blushed and all those things so I asked him. And he started to yell at me that he hates me too if I hate him and stuff,” Kyuhyun purposely left out the part about his own feelings but it seemed Jongwoon had his alien brain satellite . “You asked him HOW, you punk?” he frowned sensing that Kyuhyun didn’t tell him everything.

“Well... like Cho Kyuhyun?” he knew it was enough for the other to understand.

Jongwoon facepalmed shaking his head, not able to get why the hell Kyuhyun always had to be like this. “I think we need to talk, idiot, meet me as usual. Ten minutes,” with that he ended the call knowing pretty well that Kyuhyun wouldn’t dare not to come. As much as out-of-this-world he usually acted, he could be serious when it came to the situation. “Pabo, think you can hurt someone you like back just because you’re coward now..?” he sighed and took his suit coat as he left his dorm.


**


The girl ran a hand across Kyuhyun’s bare chest and smiled lightly. She was about 2 years younger, actually a high-schooler, but their relationship was kind of special since they knew each other as long as they could remember, always being open in every matter, so when Kyuhyun called, Yoona didn’t have to think twice before coming. Even her parents didn’t object knowing it’s her ‘oppa’ she’s going to meet. What they didn’t know was that the two weren’t really into playing cards or talking about how their lives are when together.

Kyuhyun laid on his bed, staring at the opposite wall. As much as he hoped being with Yoona will get his mind off Sungmin, it seemed like it only worsened with her next to him. His thoughts always found a way to return to him no matter how much he tried to pay his full attention to the girl in his arms. He felt bad for her. He honestly liked her and wasn’t quite happy to use her like this but it was the only way he could think of, believing she will understand.

Yoona propped herself on an elbow watching Kyuhyun frown. She could tell he was troubled with something from how his mind wandered whole evening even when they played their little naughty game. She wasn’t mad at him for not perceiving her, just worried about him. “What’s wrong, Kyu? Did something happen?” there was a sincere concern in her voice which made Kyuhyun feel only worse. He brought his look to her and forced a smile on his lips, fingers caressing her hairs. “It’s nothing, just thinking about stuff.”

“What kind of stuff? Do you have some problem with your family? You know you can always-”

“It’s none of your business,” he interrupted a bit too harshly regretting it a second later when he saw hurt in Yoona’s eyes. He knew she was just trying to help him but he was too confused, too scared, everything was too odd and while he wanted to be with someone to stop himself from thinking, his heart clenched with betrayal when he let his mind accept the fact that he just slept with someone, what’s more the girl he promised himself to protect.

“Okay, is there anything I can do for you?” she asked unsurely.

Kyuhyun sighed heavily. “Could you please leave? I think I need to be alone..,” he bent his head and hid his face in his palms. What was going on with him? Why did he suddenly find himself rejecting the girl’s presence, feeling like cheating on someone even thought he wasn’t in relationship? He chuckled darkly knowing the answer too well. So after all Jongwoon was right when he yelled at him to wake up and see he likes the bunny boy. What a paradox to hear it from someone who denied his feelings too. But as much as Kyuhyun felt it was true he just couldn’t find strength to accept it. It was all too sudden for his liking. One day he was average full-scholarship university student working for his future, dreaming about big family, the next he turned gay? Was it even possible to not find out for 18 years? Then again, he never stayed with girls for a long time and it wasn’t like he really loved them when he agreed to go out with them – it was more that he didn’t want to be left out when all his friends went on dates and so. Eventually the girls got bored with his stoic attitude and broke up with him. There was only one he could say he’d liked and that one left a big scar on his heart making him become desperately unsure in any next relationship. Actually he hasn’t fully got over her even now.

“Are you sure?” Yoona whispered snapping him back to reality. She just smiled and hugged him before climbing off the bed and collecting her clothes, when Kyuhyun nodded. “Solve it soon, Kyu, whatever is troubling you,” she added and closed the door after her.


**


Hyukjae found himself having way too much free time since he stopped going to the course. He would go to school every day then wait for Sungmin to finish his classes and meet him in front of his school to work on his project together. In the night he would try to make some proper sentences out of his messy notes sometimes failing hard, other days ending up falling asleep on his laptop.

Today was one of those days. He sat on his bed preparing for meeting Sungmin after few hours of doing nothing – the hours he used to spend by writing down English sentences he didn’t understand a word in or talking with people about stupid things. All he did this time was to lay on the floor thinking. He wondered how Donghae was; if he tried to talk to his ex-boyfriend again; if his condition got better...

Hyukjae knew in the back of his mind that withdrawing from the course wouldn’t help anything since Donghae didn’t go there anyway but this way he felt he did at least something. He was desperate. On one hand he wanted to see him really badly, on the other he didn’t have guts to show in front of him after what happened, so he chose the easiest way. Getting himself busy with his project indeed made him forget for a while but still there were times he just couldn’t take his mind off Donghae. He was worried about him. What if he was somewhere alone in depression thinking about suicide? He shook his head chuckling bitterly on his thoughts. He knew Donghae wasn’t like that, yet the worst scenarios kept popping up in his head.

The phone buzzed quietly in his pocket making him return to the reality. “Yeah, hyung?” he asked after pressing the answering button.

“Yah, Lee Hyukjae, do you know what time it is?! If you’re not gonna come, don’t ask me to meet you in the first place!”

Hyukjae looked at the clock on his bedside table gasping loudly. He could literally hear Sungmin smirking when continuing his speech. “Yeah, you’re late. Anyway, I’m on my way to your place so don’t you dare step out of there.”

The blonde only nodded making some undefined sound to confirm he understood and hung up. He really didn’t realize it’s already that late. He sighed heavily. What was with him? No matter how much he cared about the guy, he shouldn’t be so out of himself. It wasn’t healthy.



It wasn't much later that Sungmin sat in Hyukjae’s living room, a cup of tea in his hands, eyes on his friend who was too busy bringing all the books he could find from his room. Sungmin really wondered why they haven’t just moved themselves instead of all those things but his mind was too occupied with something else to keep that thought longer.

He watched Hyukjae with a light frown. He could see he was too hard on himself since the day he told him about meeting Donghae. He became deadly pale and skinny. He would always assure him it was only because he needed to progress with the school work but Sungmin didn’t buy it at all. He knew there was another and very certain reason for this and it worried him. Hyukjae never really told him but he figured he skipped his English classes last two weeks. Was it too painful for him to go there when Donghae wasn’t there? Did it bring back memories?

Sungmin stood up, putting the cup on a small table in front of the couch. “Hyukjae,” he said grasping his wrist as he was on his way back to his room for another books and papers. “Let’s talk a bit.”

Hyukjae wanted to free his hand and say they have to work on the project but Sungmin already seated him on the sofa next to him, pinning his kind caring eyes in his own dark and tired. “Hyukkie why are you like this? Why did you stop going to the course? Why are you so hard on yourself?”

He bent his head not wanting to see the concern in his hyung’s face. He just couldn’t tell him. Everything would become too real if he did. “I told you, I have too much school now.”

“Stop this crap!” Sungmin almost shouted, no traces of the previous gentleness in his voice, making Hyukjae flinch and look at him, surprised. “Sorry,” he mumbled quietly. “It’s just that I can’t watch you treating yourself like that. If it’s because of Donghae...”

“It has nothing to do with him.”

Sungmin smiled sadly, taking his hands in his own. “Hyukjae don’t lie to me, you know I can read you,” he stated firmly. Something in him was telling him his dongsaeng made the most stupid thing he could and he didn’t like the idea. “Did you make your mind to not see him ever again? It’s not right, Hyuk, you shouldn’t leave him now that he’s thinking about you and his boyfriend broke up with him. You have to take responsibility and be here for him. It was you who told me not to hide and now you’re doing it yourself? He needs you. Do you honestly believe everything will solve on its own if you bury yourself at home and never see him? Don’t you think it’ll hurt him even more when he likes you? And what about you, do you want this? Do you want to give up on him so easily?”

Hyukjae felt anger building up in him as Sungmin went on with his advices. What did he know? How could he talk about what is right and wrong like that? He wasn’t there, he didn’t see him, he didn’t go through all the guilty feelings, didn’t cry those tears. He didn’t know how it is to see someone he loves dying inside knowing it was him, who was holding the knife stabbed in his heart. He knew nothing.

“What do you know?!” he yelled, his eyes watering. He really gave a damn about talking informally at the moment. “Do you think that with your psychological books you know everything about everyone? You’re not that great yourself, are you, Sungmin? Do you still hate the guy for being himself? People won’t change just because you don’t like them being the way they are! How can you even say you love him when you hate his personality so much?! Love is about accepting people with everything they have. If you don’t know even this don’t talk to me about what to do with Donghae! I want him to be happy and if it means for me to never see him again then I won’t! This is what I call loving someone!” the pressure of all the feelings and stress exploded in him and he pulled his hand fiercely from Sungmin’s weakening grasp, running out of the room, not caring about leaving the front door opened.

Sungmin sat on the couch frozen, eyes wide. Hyukjae startled him; he didn’t mean making him like this. He sighed letting his head drop against the armrest. Something in his friend’s heated words made him think. Was he really like this? Declaring he loved someone but on the other hand hating him for who he was? How was he feeling about Kyuhyun now? He liked him, a lot, but he hurt him when he laughed at him. Then again wasn’t this attitude the reason why Sungmin started to develop the feeling? Why should he be different for him? Why did he want him to change the thing he found attractive about him? And did he even know how Kyuhyun felt now? Did he know what was in his mind when he asked him back then? Maybe it’s just that he misinterpreted it all..? He jumped on his feet and left the house too.



Hyukjae stormed out of the apartment building where his small flat was, not really knowing, where he’s going to go. He just needed to be out; to think alone; to get his confused mind straight. He felt bad for the way he talked to Sungmin before but it was all too much on him and his I-know-everything-in-this-world behavior didn’t help at all. He understood his hyung was worried and he was about him too that’s why even thought he wasn’t happy about how he said it now that he calmed down, he didn’t regret a single word.  He wanted to make him realize; to make him see love isn’t just about what one wants – it’s about two people accepting each other as they are with all the little things.

Hyukjae was drown deep in his thoughts. Maybe he indeed shouldn’t hide but what could he do? He didn’t know if Donghae liked or hated him; he was too scared to appear in front of him and in some odd way sincerely hoped for Donghae to make up with his lover. He stopped in front of his usual caffé and watched the couples inside chatting happily. It felt so lonely and painful to know there was no chance he could be like this with his beloved one. He sighed, bowing his head and making to go away when his wrist was once again grabbed by the familiar delicate small hand.

“Hyukjae wait, I’m sorry.”


**


Donghae didn’t really like crowded places even more if it was school Christmas party and he didn’t have anyone to accompany him, but this time he guessed it was still better than spend his time alone in his flat with annoying thoughts which only made him angry sobbing mess. There was at least some chance he could meet someone to spend time at the party with.

He pushed his way through bunch of slightly drunk students standing next to the door, and looked around searching for a free seat. He didn’t plan to make himself spent, just wanted to get his mind off his problems and knowing Ryeowook hated this type of events so there wasn’t a possibility he would meet him, this seemed just perfect.

Donghae sat down at one table in the corner where he had good view of the dance floor. He loved dancing but swaying among drunk people in different costumes with Santa hats on heads to a too loud music which had nearly no beat wasn’t really his thing.

As he watched his classmates enjoying their time they’ll probably not even remember next day, flirting and drinking, he felt lonely. He was never alone. There were always his friends or Ryeowook but now that his boyfriend left him and his friends graduated two years ago, he ended up being on his own. He hated it. He needed to have someone around. He was sad and scared he would think too much if not.

The music changed to slow and sensual making Donghae rise his head. He saw the crowd part as everyone found their dance partner. A weak smile formed on his lips with a memory of him being like this with Ryeowook at their own private party at home. They used to laugh a lot when Donghae turned him around and their legs tangled, making them fall on a fluffy carpet next to each other and they just lied there cuddling the rest of the song. Donghae loved these moments. It was those which made him feel like they’re really meant to be. But not anymore.

There was a rustle when some students sitting at the bar stood up to join in the dancing. Donghae quickly got up not wanting to miss a chance to get himself something to drink without having to push through tons of people, only for him to bump into someone as he did so. He bowed in apology and smiled at the back of the tall leaving guy, but it faded as soon as he turned his look back to the bar. Sitting there on a barstool with a can of coke, long dark brown bangs in his eyes, looking tired and defeated, was him. The small sweet cute boy whose features he wouldn’t forget even if he was born again. How could he when he knew every single part of that body; every mole, every little scar, every spot that made him moan softly?

“Wookie..?” he whispered, frozen on the spot. What was he doing there? Why was he at the place he hated the most? Was he alone too? Donghae couldn’t help but stare. He wanted to go to him, to hug him, talk to him but he knew he can’t. Ryeowook didn’t want it. He told him, right? Their time was gone. Yet Donghae felt somewhere in his confused heart covered in a blonde madness, that there’s still hidden the love he had for this man.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw Ryeowook lift his head and their eyes met. For a single second he looked the same shocked as was Donghae himself but then there was only sadness again. He pinned his eyes back to the bar, fingers playing with the can as his lips curved into hurt smile.

Donghae sighed deeply feeling his body moving again. What was he doing? Nothing will change if he go to him, it’ll be only worse. But Ryeowook was here. From all the places on the world he was at the school party. It couldn’t be just a coincidence. “Woo-”

“Hey, Ryeowook!” Donghae stopped at the shout and turned around. There stood a guy he didn’t really know, black messy hairs landing in his slightly big round face partly covering black framed eyes; skinny leather pants and loose jacket making him look a bit out of this world. He was waving his hands at Ryeowook, the next moment running to him with a bright smile. “Ryeowook,” he shouted again, throwing himself on the chair next to the boy, leaving Dongahe in the middle of the step watching, something in his heart cracking at the sight. He stood there not able to move, giving a damn about people cursing at him for being in their way as they were going back to their seats with the end of the song. His full attention was on the two men. They seemed like they knew each other quite well.

“Hey, Jongwoon,” Ryeowook replied, his face brightening. He took a sip of his coke and turned to the guy.

“I thought you said you won’t come,” Jongwoon beamed happily and Ryeowook chuckled. “Well, here I am,” he smiled letting the other put his arm around his shoulders casually, leaning his head on Jongwoon’s chest.

Donghae couldn’t stand it. The hell they were over, he felt jealousy and disappointment running in his blood. Did Ryeowook really get over them that quickly? After four years did it take him only a bit more than one month to forget him and find new boyfriend? Donghae felt tears coming to his eyes as he watched them laughing at something loudly. He couldn’t believe it. It just couldn’t be true. Was he the only fool bothered by their break up? Did Ryeowook go out with that guy even before he left him? But if that was the case how could he blame him for thinking about Hyukjae then? Oh yeah, Hyukjae... the guy who started it all. He still didn’t know how he felt about him. He was angry at him for ruining his relationship but he knew it was partly just an excuse for himself. After all, it wasn’t Hyukjae’s fault that Donghae’d been thinking about him a lot even before he confessed.

His eyes met the couple at the bar again and his mind suddenly went clear. Then this really is the end. He turned around abruptly and dragged himself to the exit, not looking back even once.



Ryeowook saw Donghae leaving slowly and his heart clenched painfully. He didn’t want to see him like that, all the desire and disappointment in his usually shining eyes, but couldn’t afford being hurt again. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if he talked with him. He didn’t want to listen to another lies, see another tears, feel heart-broken even more than he was now. He had to forget him. For the sake of both of them.

“Ryeowook?” the man next to him voiced quietly when a heavy sigh left his lips. He smiled weakly and freed himself from his embrace, taking the empty coke can in his hands. “It’s nothing. Just remembered something,” he lied half-heartedly, knowing the other didn’t buy it but still let it go. He was grateful for it. He didn’t feel like talking about his past love with someone he didn’t even know that much. As he thought about it he wasn’t quite sure how the two of them became this close. It was about two weeks ago that Hangeng returned to his work saying there will be an important meeting held in few days and he has to prepare for it as a vice-president of the Korean branch of the company. Ryeowook understood it but still felt lonely when his friend wasn’t around; and then this guy appeared. Design department’s senior Kim Jongwoon. He suddenly popped out of nowhere in front of Ryeowook, huge sunglasses upside down, bright smile on place, scaring poor boy nearly to death. But Ryeowook soon found out this crazy man was actually nice companion in his saddened moments, making him forget all his problems and laugh sincerely. Now they were here – talking about coke cans and turtles in the middle of the Christmas party where Ryeowook originally didn’t even want to be. And he felt his heart started changing, slowly giving up the pain for happiness, healing little by little with the alien guy around him.


**


Donghae didn’t remember what he was doing whole day, everything that mattered was that he was sure he’d go crazy if he spent another minute alone. If he hated being without anyone around, it was ten times worse when on Christmas. Sure he could go home or to some friends but they were with their families and his own was used to him spending this time with his boyfriend. He was still too hurt and maybe a bit embarrassed to tell them they had broken up. He was grateful they accepted his preferences, supported him and liked Ryeowook then he’d introduced him to them, so it wasn’t easy for him to come with the news.

Pained expression crossed his face when the memory of his ex-lover with the black guy stalked in his mind again. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. How could Ryeowook do it? How could he move on so quickly when Donghae was sinking in loneliness? On one hand he was oddly glad that Wookie wasn’t crying over him and a bit envied him it, on the other he couldn’t help but feel hurt. It just seemed like all those things they had meant nothing to Ryeowook.

And then there was the boy. Donghae wasn’t sure if it wasn’t only hope for a little childish revenge on his ex-boyfriend, but he wanted to see him. The feeling scared him, he still wasn’t ready to fully give up on Ryeowook and admit there was someone else. He tried to assure himself there was nothing to admit for last three days, but every time he told himself there’s only one man in his life, his heart clenched in betrayal. If there was just Ryeowook why would he smile like idiot when he remembered Hyukjae’s wide gummy smile; why would he feel guilty with the memory of the punch he gave him; why would his heart skip a beat when his beautiful shining eyes appeared in his mind; why would he feel like dying, missing his laugh, his presence, his stupid jokes..? He liked him. Yes, he did.

Donghae wasn’t even surprised when he found himself going through his contact list to stop on Hyukjae’s profile. He wasn’t particularly happy about bothering him when he’s probably with his relatives but the desire and loneliness were too much for him. He nibbled on his bottom lip nervously as he waited for the other to answer. Would he ever? Donghae felt hopelessness build in him when the busy tone sounded for the second time. Maybe he really shouldn’t call him, still he tried for one more time.

He almost freaked out when Hyukjae finally answered and he could hear cars going in the background. He took a deep breath preparing himself for whatever could some after all that happened between them.

“Yeoboseyo?”

Donghae felt his heartbeat quickening when the voice he so guiltily longed for came form the gadget. “Hyukjae... is that you?” he whispered.



Hyukjae was on his way to his friend’s house when his phone rang for the first time but he didn’t care much thinking it was someone at the party he was heading to, calling him he’s almost late for the toasts. Hyukjae liked Christmas. It was nearly only time he could be with his family since they lived too far away for him to visit more often, but this time he couldn’t go even for those few days because of his project, so he was glad at least for his friend inviting him to celebrate with him and some other guys from school. He smiled weakly. The thoughts about his family made him sad. He missed them a lot.

His phone buzzed again making him come back to reality and he pulled it out of his jacket with a sigh. He frowned lightly at an unknown number. He wasn’t in mood for some Christmas pranks or mistaken calls now. He waited for the phone to shut up before he stuffed it back in the pocket just to pull it out again. He hesitated for a while. You don’t make a mistake thrice, right?

“Yeoboseyo?” he asked unsurely after pressing receiving button and jerked when the caller spoke quietly.

“Hyukjae... is that you?”

“D-Donghae?” he stuttered shocked. Was he dreaming? Did he really call him? Hyukjae almost jumped happily but turned back to his right self when he thought about it again. Why? Why did the one who should hate him the most call him on Christmas and sounded so defeated? Why would he want to talk with someone who ruined his happiness? He couldn’t get it. It didn’t make sense.

He heard Donghae breath out in relief and as much as confused he was, couldn’t stop a little smile to spread on his face. He could imagine how cute he had to look now, surely pouting lightly. Hyukjae was about to ask what made him call when another wave of shock kicked him as Donghae’s desperate voice ripped the silence.

“Hyukjae, I need you!” he shouted.

His eyes widened. “What? B-But yo-”

“Hyukjae, please,” Donghae interrupted with begging tone, “please, I need to see you.”

Hyukjae gulped. He didn’t know what to say or do. Here he was trying to avoid Donghae for him to be able to return to his lover, burning his feelings, letting go of him, and now when he started to feel it’ll be possible with enough time, he’s calling him saying he needs him? It just couldn’t be true.

“Hyukjae,” Donghae whined snapping him from his thoughts. “I can’t, Donghae. I’m sorry but after what I did, I can’t see you again,” he sighed heavily ready to hang up. “I have to go, bye.”

“NO!” there was a sob and Hyukjae froze, his heart stopping for a second. Was he responsible for his too? “Please, just please! I-I... I need you...”

“Donghae..,” Hyukjae whispered. No, he shouldn’t meet him. He shouldn’t waste all the torture he came through when trying to forget him just because he sounded so... so... he didn’t know. ‘It was you who told me not to hide and now you’re doing it yourself? He needs you. Do you honestly believe everything will solve on its own if you bury yourself at home and never see him?’ what if Sungmin was right..? “Where are you?”



Hyukaje still wasn’t sure if it was a wise idea to meet Donghae, when he stood in front of the doors of his apartment about half an hour later. Actually he believed it wasn’t but couldn’t stand the image of him crying, knowing it was his fault again. He sighed deeply and knocked on the door cursing on himself for being so weak when it came to Donghae, that he couldn’t protect him from the pain it will cause him if they see each other.

“Hyukjae?” the muffled voice came from inside the flat and the next moment the door opened revealing the owner in loose trousers and sweater.

Hyukjae took in his appearance and the self-hate grew in him at the sight. Donghae looked like he hadn’t slept for few days, his eyes were tired, red and puffy, traces from tears on pale cheeks. He growled quietly. “Have you been crying all the time?” he whispered not trusting his voice not to break as his own sobs started to form in his throat. How could it happen? How could someone so happy, bright and always positive turn into such a mess? What had he done? How could he hurt him so much?

“I was scared you won’t come,” Donghae cried stepping back for Hyukjae to come in.

“Donghae...”

“I’m sorry for bothering you at such a time. I guess you had better things to do.”

“Donghae...”

He silently turned around to hide his face as he waited for Hyukjae to take off his shoes and jacket. “It hurts, Hyukjae, so much,” he said almost inaudibly but the latter caught it and his heart clenched again. “I’m sorry. If I knew this will happen, I would’ve never confessed,” he answered the same quietly, bowing his head.

“Don’t say it!”

Hyukjae looked up, shocked at shouting Donghae. What was he talking about? He was here telling him he’s sorry for the pain he caused him and Donghae yelled at him not to do so?”

Donghae smiled weakly at Hyukjae’s confusion. “Just don’t say it. It’s not your fault, Hyukjae.”

“What do you mean, Donghae?”

“He,” Donghae sobbed as new tears appeared in his eyes. “He found someone new,” his knees gave up under him as the realization hit him when he said it loud for the first time. “S-So soon... d-did I.... did he even l-love me? It hurts...”

Hyukjae watched him cry on the hall’s floor and could feel the pain too. Was it all about this? Was he hurt by his ex-lover being in new relationship? He slowly closed the distance between them and sat on the floor next to him, hesitating just a second before he hugged him tightly and rocked him in his arms. There was a silence interrupted only by Donghae’s crying. Hyukjae couldn’t say anything knowing the words won’t help. He felt his own eyes watering. He never wanted to see him being like this. He never wanted to make him into this. Whatever Donghae said, Hyukjae knew it was his fault. He was the one who separated them.

Donghae’s body trembled violently with sobs as he finally let out the feelings he was holding inside for so long. He was tired of it all; of being hurt, of denying his heart, of being alone, of memories and hopes. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Hyukjae,” he voiced quietly lifting his eyes to the one still rocking him back and forth, single tear flowing down his cheek. He reached his hand and gently wiped it off with his thumb. He didn’t want to make him sad too. He was grateful Hyukjae was there for him, yet he made him cry. And still, as bad as it could sound, he found teary emotional Hyukjae the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “Hyukkie..,” he hugged him back, burying his face in the guy’s chest. “I think I love you.”

Hyukjae’s eyes widened for a moment but soon a sad smile spread on his lips. “No, Donghae, you’re just hurt now. Say it again when you’re sure you mean it,” he placed a small kiss in Donghae’s hairs embracing him tighter, letting new hopeless tears fall. How he wished what Donghae said was true.

But it wasn’t. He was just pouring his feelings on him saying hurt nonesenses to comfort his broken heart. Hyukjae could never accept such a confession, he could never take advantage of someone in this state even more if the one was the person he loved the most. There was no meaning in trying to forget what he felt for the man in his arms anymore. He did care about him, he did love him – it could never be different. But it was all just one-player game.


**


Kyuhyun threw himself on a couch in his parents’ house’s living room and sighed heavily. Even now that he was spending Christmas holiday with them he couldn’t get his mind off Sungmin. He wondered what he was doing, how he was, if he smiled a lot. Kyuhyun loved his smile. Every time he watched him smiling at his psychological books or laughing with that blonde friend of his, his heartbeat quickened and he had to smile too. Then his chest clenched with regret. It was never him who made him smile. Only thing Kyuhyun ever gave him was pain. He only knew how to hurt him.

“He hates me, right?” he whispered for himself, eyes closed.

“After what you did I wouldn’t be surprised if he indeed did.”

Kyuhyun’s eyes snapped open at a familiar voice. He looked at his hyung, confused. “Jongwoon?”

“Your parents invited us,” he explained as he sat next to him. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

“Do you think he’ll forgive you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

Kyuhyun sighed again. What was Jongwoon trying to gain by this? “I the hell don’t know! Can you call it love when it’s for a man?”

“Go out,” Jongwoon said seriously. “I’ll tell them you were tired so you went to rest but you can’t wander around not knowing what you feel.”

Kyuhyun chuckled. “Says the on-”

“No, Kyuhyun, I always knew, what I feel, I was just sure it’ll never have a future so it was easier to pretend there’s nothing. You have a chance, go and think about it,” Jongwoon stood up and pulled his startled dongsaeng on his legs. It was the first time Kyuhyun saw him like this. He was always in his own dimension even in those moments when he was serious, but now he seemed like completely different person. “Jongwoon, are you sick?” he asked concerned and the latter smiled amusedly. “Go, we can talk about me later.”



Kyuhyun left the house only in his pants and light jacket. He was sure he’ll freeze to death but Jongwoon insisted there was no time for him to take at least a coat. He didn’t know where he should go so he decided to just round the block and go back. He honestly didn’t believe he’ll be able to think in such a cold.

He sighed quietly, pulling the jacket closer as he walked around the Christmas decorated stores and restaurants full of happily chatting couples and families. He missed it – the feeling of being wanted and loved by someone outside the family he cared for too. It happened to him only once but the girl... what had gone so wrong back then? As he thought about it, he’d been the same. Cool, snarky, always the best Cho Kyuhyun. Even that he was just high school kid couldn’t excuse how bad he’d been to her. He wondered why she didn’t hate him for that.

Another fluffy puff of breath slipped from his lips as he violently shook his head. He shouldn’t think about her. They were okay and he like what they had now better than the actual relationship. They were closer than friends but not lovers. Kyuhyun had used to think about how it would be if they were still going out with each other but not anymore. His heart already belonged to someone else. But was Jongwoon right? Could they have a future? Kyuhyun wasn’t sure. Sungmin clearly avoided him and he didn’t even try to be surprised. He had to hurt him a lot.

“Aish, Kyuhyun, seriously why are you always like that? Can’t you once be good to people you love?

Kyuhyun bowed his head, pinning his eyes on the ground. “But I’m scared, Jongwoon. I don’t know what’s going on with me. How could I suddenly start liking him? I don’t even know him that well; I’ve never felt something like this for a man before. It’s so confusing,” he murmured.

“So don’t you think it’s the right time to get to know him? You’ll surely find out something about your feelings too,” he winked, smiling and patted him on the back encouragingly.

“How can I, Jongwoon, when he hates to even look at me?” Kyuhyun whispered into the cold air as the memory of the talk he had with his hyung the day he completely lost his bunny boy, crossed his mind. Yeah, he was still the same. Cold to people he loved the most. And why? Because he feared the feelings. He was scared of what was being born in him; of how strong it was; how crazy, obsessed and dependent he would become; he was scared he’d be like those guys talking about nothing but their girlfriends. And it was only worse now that the person was a man. He couldn’t get rid of the doubting thoughts. What would his parents say? What would his friends say? He didn’t want to be in a relationship he’d have to hide or be ashamed of. He wanted to be proud to be in love and this was ing Korea. But was he willing to give up on Sungmin because of others?

“No,” he didn’t know how he suddenly found the strength to admit it but he felt like it was the most right thing in the world. His heart felt lighter and mind clearer. Right, he wouldn’t stop liking Sungmin just because of what people say. Never. Kyuhyun still wasn’t sure if it was love he felt for him but he wanted to know everything about him, really fall in love with him, protect him, make him happy, show him his better side... he smiled. “Thanks, hyung.”



Kyuhyun sat in the school library again after the winter holiday ended, watching Sungmin just few meters away from him as he pushed the glasses up his nose pouting on the book he was reading. He was nervous. He wanted to talk to him but all the previous determination faded away the moment he saw him. Kyuhyun remembered Jongwoon’s satisfied smile when he told him about his thoughts when he was freezing outside on his walk few days ago. The man surely knew how to use his alien brain sometimes. He chuckled. He owed him a lot. Maybe he could help out with that cook-guy a bit now that Jongwoon was all in his liking-him-but-denying mode again since they started to talk to each other.

Kyuhyun’s lips formed a small smile as he turned back to Sungmin. He took a deep breath and stood up. “It’s Cho,” he said as he approached the boy.

“Huh? Wha-?” Kyuhyun’s smile widened at confused Sungmin searching for who said it just to disappear like it was never there when the latter glared at him the moment he registered it was him talking. “What are you doing here, Kyuhyun?” he growled pissed. What was with him always popping up out of nowhere when he least needed it?

“I was right, wasn’t I?” he stated. “When I asked if you liked me, I was right.”

Sungmin frowned. He couldn’t get what he was trying to say. “What do you want to hear? I guess you already figured out the answer yourself. If you came to humiliate me again, please, just leave and let me be.”

“No, I-I...,” Kyuhun gulped, the nervousness growing in him with every second. What did he want to hear? Could he even hope for him to still like him? He mentally cursed on himself for hesitating. Now wasn’t the time to back away. “I like you, Sungmin. Hyung,” he bent his head to hide a light blush. Was he really confessing for the first time in his life in the school library, to the guy who hated him? He bit his lip feeling his heart racing as he waited for a reaction.

Sungmin gaped, startled when he heard the words. Was he serious? Wasn’t it just another mocking? He didn’t want to believe him that easily after what he did but just couldn’t be mad at him, seeing how cutely shy he was. So after all he had a sweet side behind all that evilness. Sungmin’s face lightened a little smile as he pulled out a chair for Kyuhyun to sit on. He pinned his eyes on the guy when he sat down, and sighed. As much as he felt the love for him to awaken in his heart, he couldn’t forgive him just now. “You hurt me, Kyuhyun,” he said and the other nodded. “I know, I’m sorry. I-I don’t expect you to forget it and say you still like me too, could you just give me one more chance please? I don’t know if it’s love but I do care for you so...”

Sungmin felt his heart flutter as he watched Kyuhyun trying his best to make up with him. He couldn’t help but feel incredibly happy. The guy he loved for so long and cried so much for, liked him back? It seemed like a dream. He looked lovingly at the cute, evil, idiotic boy in front of him. “It’s Lee. Nice to meet you, Cho Kyuhyun.”

***

A/N: I'm really sorry it took so long. I don't have any ecxuses anymore, but to make you feel a bit better, 3rd part is 31 pages long and I hope it doesn't much. It'll have 2 previews and I'm thinking about posting it as 2 parts since it's so crazily long, I'll see later. For now, I'll work hard to overcome my B.A.P (read Himchan) obsession quickly to be able to continue with last part for you guys. Thank you for being with me and give me some comments since it's my 18th birthday today ^^ I love you

A/N2: I'm sorry if my english ... TT TT

A/N3: I just happened to re-read it all and I honestly pity you guys... I corrected some typos and stuff but oh my, I don't really use past tense well >.> I promise 3rd part is better in it. Well, I was thinking about giving all parts free to download after I finish it all so I'll correct it until then and give you something readable for downloading... really sorry >.>