Everything was as before,‭ ‬like nothing happened.‭ ‬Kyuhyun would go to school,‭ ‬meet with Sungmin for a lunch,‭ ‬then go somewhere with Jongwoon‭ ‬-‭ ‬mostly to his school‭’‬s library‭ ‬-‭ ‬and back to his dorm to play some of his games before going to sleep.‭ ‬Everything seemed like before but he knew better.‭ ‬He could feel the hopeless,‭ ‬depressed atmosphere lingering above all of them.‭ ‬It wasn‭’‬t just Jongwoon or Sungmin,‭ ‬he was worried too,‭ ‬trying to find any way to deal with the complicated‭ ‬situation his hyung was in.‭ ‬He could see Jongwoon was down even though he tried to act like everything was perfectly fine,‭ ‬and he didn‭’‬t like it at all.‭ ‬It was the same.‭ ‬His darkened eyes,‭ ‬his fake smiles,‭ ‬his over-acting when he tried to convince others‭ ‬he was okay and they believed him,‭ ‬but not Kyuhyun.‭ ‬He knew him too well and the more it troubled him.‭ ‬Jongwoon was‭ ‬a‭ ‬good actor,‭ ‬it had taken Kyuhyun quite a while to understand but now after all the years he didn‭’‬t have to think much anymore.‭ ‬The more realistic Jongwoon‭’‬s pretending was,‭ ‬the worse he felt inside.‭ ‬Kyuhyun didn‭’‬t have an idea why he was hiding,‭ ‬closing himself even in front of his friends but it started to annoy him.‭ ‬Couldn‭’‬t he show how he really felt for once‭?
“What are you thinking about‭?”‬ Jongwoon asked curiously,‭ ‬raising his look from another random sketch he was drawing for his class,‭ ‬his usual sweet smile on his lips.

Kyuhyun sighed loudly,‭ ‬working hard on calming himself down before he spoke.‭ ‬He honestly didn‭’‬t want anything more than punch that happiness from his hyung‭’‬s face.‭ “‬Will you please stop‭? ‬Can‭’‬t you look sad when you‭’‬re heartbroken‭? ‬Everyone else cry at times like this or at least look down but you‭’‬re jumping around all smiley.‭ ‬It freaks me out,‭ ‬hyung,‭ ‬just be natural once.‭ ‬No-one buys it anyway.‭”

“But I‭’‬m no-‭"

“Yes,‭ ‬you are.‭ ‬You the hell ARE heartbroken‭!" ‬he wanted to help him to overcome it,‭ ‬not only push aside and ignore until it all comes back and he‭’‬ll break down,‭ ‬but Jongwoon wouldn‭’‬t let him.‭ ‬It frustrated Kyuhyun that he didn‭’‬t know what to do, and Jongwoon‭’‬s denying didn‭’‬t make it any better.‭

The smile faded slowly,‭ ‬turning into seriousness.‭ “‬I can‭’‬t,‭ ‬Kyuhyun,‭ ‬it will be worse if I admit it.‭ ‬Remember what I told you‭? ‬I was sure we don‭’‬t have future so it‭’‬s easier to pretend there‭’‬s nothing.‭ ‬I‭’‬ll be okay soon,‭ ‬just like before,‭”‬ he whispered as he bowed his head,‭ ‬adding few useless lines to his picture.‭ ‬He‭ ‬was sad.‭ ‬He felt like someone had thrown his heart into brick wall,‭ ‬crashing it into pieces‭ ‬and stepped on it even after there was nothing left than dust.‭ ‬He did want to cry,‭ ‬he just couldn‭‘‬t.‭ ‬He‭‘‬d been acting for so long that now,‭ ‬even if he would gladly yell for the whole world to know how much he was pained,‭ ‬he wasn‭‘‬t able to make himself to do‭ ‬so.‭ ‬He was empty,‭ ‬numb.‭ ‬Was he even human if he couldn‭‘‬t show his emotions no matter how much he tried‭?

Kyuhyun watched him sympathetically,‭ ‬sensing he had to fight hard with himself to say even this little.‭ ‬He was grateful for it.‭ “‬You were never okay,‭ ‬hyung,‭”‬ he said,‭ ‬his voice much kinder than a moment ago,‭ “‬if you were you wouldn‭’‬t go through it again now.‭ ‬It‭’‬s only me,‭ ‬can‭’‬t you be honest at least in front of me‭?”‬ he watched in silence as Jongwoon slowly shook his head,‭ ‬eyes pinned on the block he was drawing in.‭ ‬He sighed quietly.‭ ‬There was no way to make the alien man let the feelings out and it was partly his fault.‭ ‬He let him isolate himself for too long‭; ‬he should had made him talk right from the start when his heart was broken for the first time.

‭“Kyuhyun..,” Jongwoon gasped quietly, clasping a hand on his mouth as he watched in horror as a small water drop soaked into the paper, crumpling it and smuggling the sketch.

The younger‭’‬s eyes widened for a second at a sight of his‭ “‬always happy‭”‬ friend sobbing‭ ‬next to him before a little,‭ ‬gentle smile spread on his lips and he embraced him tightly.‭ “‬That‭’‬s right,‭ ‬hyung,‭ ‬don‭’‬t keep it inside.‭ ‬You don‭’‬t have to be strong all the time,‭ ‬you have right to feel down too,‭”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬rubbing a circles on his back to comfort him.‭ ‬He was glad.‭ ‬After more than year Jongwoon stopped his stupid act and let anyone see how he really felt.‭ ‬After more than year Kyuhyun was sure he‭’‬ll overcome it and be okay sooner or later.‭ ‬He felt relief pour through his body as he held the‭ ‬shaking man close,‭ ‬wiping his tears with his shirt.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t like to see his important people crying but this time,‭ ‬just this once,‭ ‬he was happy that Jongwoon‭’‬s eyeliner was running as the tears he held for so long‭ ‬flowed down his cheeks.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t help but smile.



‭**



Ryeowook stared blankly at the flowers in a vase on his living room table.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t have a heart to throw them out even after they slowly died‭ ‬-‭ ‬it was the last thing that reminded him of Jongwoon and he wanted to keep it a bit longer.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t met him after the party and was glad for it at first but as time went on,‭ ‬he felt like something was missing.‭ ‬The everlasting creepy presence,‭ ‬the lame jokes he mostly didn‭’‬t even understand but laughed at them for not making sense at all,‭ ‬the gentle look of the narrow black-framed eyes,‭ ‬the sweet smile...‭ ‬he started to regret.‭ ‬Was there even a reason why he turned him down‭? ‬As he thought about it,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t know.‭ ‬It‭’‬d just hurt so much to see Donghae with the other man,‭ ‬that he couldn‭’‬t think straight.‭ ‬He could see why Donghae chose him.‭ ‬He was tall,‭ ‬handsome,‭ ‬he had nice body even under winter jacket‭; ‬he was just the type many people would select as their ideal man.‭ ‬And the way he‭’‬d held his hand,‭ ‬the way he‭’‬d helped him stand up‭ ‬-‭ ‬Ryeowook knew he was kind person,‭ ‬really caring about him.‭ ‬He knew Donghae was in good hands and it‭’‬d hurt him even more.

He played with the fallen petals,‭ ‬head lied on the table.‭ ‬He loved and hated them at the same time.‭ ‬Loved for their beauty and hated for being so fragile - like Jongwoon‭’‬s heart.‭ ‬They broke when he touched them just like the boy.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬Ryeowook didn‭’‬t love him,‭ ‬he wasn‭’‬t the kind of person who would fall for someone easily,‭ ‬but he had feelings for him;‭ ‬he only found out now,‭ ‬that he couldn‭’‬t have him anymore.‭ ‬He‭’‬d broken him,‭ ‬ruined his life and didn‭’‬t deserve to get another chance.‭ ‬He wondered if the Donghae‭’‬s man felt the same way.‭ ‬Probably not if they were dating now.‭ ‬How could Donghae make it‭? ‬How could he fall in love again with the one who‭ ‬caused their break-up‭? ‬Ryeowook wanted everything back.‭ ‬He wanted Donghae back,‭ ‬he wanted Jongwoon back‭; ‬he wanted them both and lost them both,‭ ‬just like Hangeng had said,‭ ‬and there was no way to make it work again.‭ ‬Donghae was already happy and Jongwoon won‭’‬t take him back after what he did.‭ ‬He felt desperate.

‭“I screwed up so much..,” he mumbled into the silence of the room, pulling his knees closer to his chest. It was hopeless. How could he choose someone who left him for another one against someone who gave all his heart in every single thing he did for him from jumping around with sunglasses in the library, to bringing him flowers? He should had seen earlier; he shouldn’t had just told himself there was no way they could be together. He should had opened his heart to him the same as he said Donghae to do with the red-haired guy. But it was too late now. Everything was gone and the only thing left was emptiness and regret. He couldn’t change anything anymore.



‭**



The phone rang again and Hyukjae didn‭’‬t even‭ ‬wonder who was the sender as he promptly ignored the tone,‭ ‬sighing when it finally stopped.‭ ‬He was avoiding Donghae but the latter obviously didn‭’‬t get it,‭ ‬writing him every five minutes demanding a reply.‭ ‬Hyukjae didn‭’‬t read it anymore,‭ ‬it was always the‭ ‬same,‭ “‬Hyukkie what did I do wrong,‭ ‬please answer me,‭ ‬I love you,‭”‬ and he had to fight back an urge to shout out in frustration.‭ ‬What did he do wrong‭? ‬Everything was wrong‭! ‬How could he kiss him,‭ ‬saying he wanted to love him right after he‭’‬d laughed like‭ ‬mad man because he‭’‬d met his ex-lover again‭; ‬how could he do it when he was crying,‭ ‬depressed from his break-up,‭ ‬only two weeks ago‭? ‬How could he play with him like this‭?

Hyukjae was a mess.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t know what to do.‭ ‬As much as he had enjoyed the kiss it just wasn‭’‬t right.‭ ‬Donghae hadn‭’‬t been in his right mind,‭ ‬he shouldn‭’‬t had let him do it.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t accept something so intimate out of hurt,‭ ‬without real feelings,‭ ‬and yet he couldn‭’‬t help the fluttering of his heart when he remembered the feeling of the thin lips on his,‭ ‬the taste,‭ ‬the disappointment when they parted.‭ ‬He blushed as the memory of what it had made him like,‭ ‬wanting more but not agreeing even with this much happening,‭ ‬crossed his mind.‭ ‬He was man too,‭ ‬of course it had excited him,‭ ‬even more because‭ ‬they were on public and people didn‭’‬t really love to see something like this.

He‭ ‬growled as the familiar shiver ran up his body.‭ ‬What had Donghae made him into,‭ ‬loosing his morals for pleasure‭? ‬He slowly reached for his phone to reply the message but froze with another memory.‭ ‬How could he forget‭? ‬The pain and‭ ‬defeat in the boy‭’‬s eyes when he’d seen them together‭; ‬the silent tears flowing down his cheeks‭; ‬the love Hyukjae could sense he still had for Donghae.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬he might had been there with the black guy but Hyukjae didn‭’‬t believe they were in relationship.

The guilt hit him again,‭ ‬even stronger.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t thought about it much back then,‭ ‬having to deal with Donghae going crazy,‭ ‬but now‭ ‬he honestly wanted to beat himself‭ ‬to death.‭ ‬What gave him the right to mess up innocent people‭’‬s lives so much‭? ‬He wasn't blind,‭ ‬he could see the boy was having hard time trying to start again,‭ ‬and he wasn‭’‬t heartless not to care.‭ ‬Unlike Donghae,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t believe they were so over yet.‭ ‬They still loved each other,‭ ‬they still had hope.

Hyukjae cried,‭ ‬when he took the phone and wrote the words he should had written long time ago.‭ ‬He‭’‬d done enough to break people and got only good things in return,‭ ‬now was the time to do something right‭ ‬even though it meant for him to suffer.‭ ‬But it was okay,‭ for him ‬he could take this much.

‭“Let’s end it all here, Hae. I’m sorry for everything, go back to the boy, he needs you. Goodbye. -Hyukjae”



**



Donghae‭’‬s eyes widened and he felt tears form in them as he stared at the message,‭ ‬shaking his head in disbelief,‭ ‬hand clasped over his mouth.‭ ‬He‭’‬d literally jumped in happiness when Hyukjae finally wrote him,‭ ‬but it quickly faded as he read the content.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t believe it.‭ ‬Why‭? ‬What had he done so wrong that he gave up on him‭? ‬Why would he break him again right when he started to feel that he could make it‭; ‬that together they would work‭; ‬right when he admitted to himself that he loved him‭? ‬Did he scare him off with the kiss‭? ‬Why was Hyukjae suddenly sending him‭ ‬back to Ryeowook‭? ‬He didn‭’‬t want him,‭ ‬he wanted Hyukjae.‭ ‬He missed him the whole week he‭’‬d been ignoring him;‭ ‬he was praying for one word for him and when he got it...‭ ‬this‭? ‬It had to be a bad dream.‭ ‬He just wanted to wake up in his arms and be happy ever after.

‭“Teacher, the new teacher is sad,” he heard the boy from before say, but couldn’t care less. His knees gave up under him and he once again felt himself on the floor, still blankly staring at the phone, unshed tears blurring his view. He hated that he was hurt so much that he wasn’t able to cry. There was nothing, nothing left from his heart. The two people who ever got to receive it, smashed it and left him healing it alone.

He felt small delicate hands on his shoulders,‭ ‬making him stand up‭; ‬he heard the words the girl was saying but couldn‭’‬t find a meaning in them.‭ ‬It was the same.‭ ‬The same as a week ago,‭ ‬only now the one who helped him last time was the one who made him like this,‭ ‬and he couldn‭’‬t even laugh,‭ ‬going blankly wherever the person led him,‭ ‬his fingers slowly loosing hold on the gadget until he felt it to slip from them and hit the ground.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t care to pick it up.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t care about anything.‭ ‬There was no meaning in things anymore.

Sena bent for the phone Donghae dropped and gently placed it back into his hands as she seated him on the bench in front of the classroom.‭ ‬She‭’‬d figured out there was something wrong with her trainee even before the child said it,‭ ‬she could see it from the moment Donghae came in the morning,‭ ‬she just hadn‭’‬t expected it to be this bad.‭ “‬Donghae,‭”‬ she slapped his cheek lightly to get his attention,‭ ‬her big worried eyes pinned into his watering.‭ “‬Donghae,‭ ‬what happened‭?”

It didn‭’‬t take her too long to understand as he shoved the phone into her hand,‭ ‬and she sighed quietly,‭ ‬reading the still opened message with sad smile.‭ “‬Do you want to go home‭?”‬ she wasn‭’‬t good at comforting heartbroken boys,‭ ‬what‭’‬s more if they got dumped by another boy but she tried her best to at least keep his attention.

Donghae nodded slowly.‭ ‬There was no use in staying here,‭ ‬he would be only burden,‭ ‬and he really felt like burying himself in his old room back in his parent‭’‬s house.‭ ‬Maybe it will help him to stay there for some time as he promised,‭ ‬away from Hyukjae,‭ ‬Ryeowook and all the memories.‭ ‬Maybe he could take a day off from the school and meet his old friends.‭ ‬Only the image of being with his family raised his mood a bit.‭ “‬Thank you,‭”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬taking his phone back to call home.‭ ‬Maybe he should return where he‭’‬d started.‭ ‬Maybe hoping for Hyukjae to still love him wasn‭’‬t right.‭ ‬Maybe back where he lived before he met Ryeowook was where he should forget his old life and start the new one.‭ ‬Maybe everything was just like it was supposed to be and they weren‭’‬t meant to be.



‭**



Sungmin felt his mind calming down as he swung his nun-chucks around his body.‭ ‬It was quite a long time since he had time for training and he missed how clear his head was after it.‭ ‬With all the things happening he really needed it.‭ ‬He winced in surprise when the metal hit his hip,‭ ‬painfully reminding him that he should concentrate,‭ ‬but he never stopped.‭ ‬Though it hurt and he was sure he‭’‬ll have a bruise later, he couldn‭’‬t let something so small to distract him.‭ ‬He was pretty much used to it from the days when he‭’‬d first started.

‭“You should be more careful or your beautiful white skin turns ugly purple,” the voice teased and Sungmin smiled widely before facing his evil boyfriend, his eyes shining happily as he turned into his cute self the moment he heard him. “What are you doing here, Kyu?” he put the nun-chucks back into his school bag, taking it, ready to leave together. He was surprised that Kyuhyun found him in his favorite part of the campus park but didn’t mind at all. He would gladly share the place with him.

‭“Watching my bunny playing with dangerous things. Didn’t you know that weapons don’t belong into children’s hands?” he smirked, enjoying how Sungmin pouted at him, blowing his cheeks. “I’m older than you, Cho Kyuhyun.”

The younger pinched his cheek gently,‭ ‬making him let the air out and placed little soothing kiss on his nose.‭ “‬And who would believe it‭?”

Sungmin blushed,‭ ‬having his non-intimate boyfriend being all touchy suddenly.‭ “‬A-Anyway,‭ ‬why did you come‭?”‬ he stuttered,‭ ‬pulling off to hide how much he liked what Kyuhyun was doing.‭ ‬He liked it way too much.‭ ‬Yeah,‭ ‬everything in the relationship was first time for him and he was excited because of every little thing, but Kyuhyun‭ ‬didn‭’‬t have to know that while inside he was like high-school girl,‭ ‬his body reacted very manly.‭ ‬Though judging from the satisfied smile on Kyuhyun‭’‬s lips, Sungmin was pretty sure he knew what he was doing to him.

‭“I was thinking about taking you for a date since giving you chocolate is girly so I’ll let this part on you. It’s Valentine, hyung,” he explained when Sungmin didn’t seem any less confused. “So are you going or should I ask some girl from our department?” he reached his hand and waited for the latter to take it, frown on his baby face. “You dare to ask someone else and I’ll show you how manly I can be. No chocolate for you for always mocking me.”

“Sounds like I really should try it.‭ ‬I would love to know how your manly side looks like,‭”‬ he sang,‭ ‬running off laughing when Sungmin shot him a deadly glare.



About two hours later they were in Kyuhyun‭’‬s dorm cuddling under a blanket,‭ ‬watching‭ ‬Alice in Wonderland and whispering sweet nothings through playful bickering.‭ ‬It was simple date with no‭ ‬special preparations needed but Sungmin loved it.‭ ‬They‭’‬d went to rent the movie on their way home,‭ ‬spending almost‭ ‬40‭ ‬minutes arguing about genre before they‭’‬d finally settled on Alice since Sungmin‭’‬d found it awesome and cute and Kyuhyun hadn‭’‬t really mind,‭ ‬deciding it was still better than the tons of cliché romantic stuffs they‭’‬d come across.

‭“Hyung, there’s something I wanted to talk about,” Kyuhyun interrupted in serious tone, taking deep breath before he continued. “Hyung, does your family know... you know, about us?” it was embarrassing but he needed to know. He was thinking about introducing Sungmin to his parents but was scared. It was going to be new for them that their son was gay and them being quite traditional wasn’t making it any easier. He wasn’t sure if meeting his boyfriend wouldn’t be too much for them. He needed support before he will decide.

Sungmin‭’‬s eyebrows‭ ‬raised.‭ “‬Of course they know,‭ ‬Kyu,‭ ‬I live with them,‭ ‬I tell them when I‭’‬m going on a date with you,‭”‬ he smiled,‭ ‬nuzzling his face‭ ‬into Kyuhyun‭’‬s shoulder.‭ “‬They can‭’‬t wait to meet you.‭ ‬They were so happy when I told them I found someone I love.‭”

He smiled back insecurely.‭ “‬How did they take it when you first told them‭?”‬ his voice shook a bit,‭ ‬making Sungmin worried.‭ ‬He could understand though.‭ ‬He felt the same when he‭’‬d came to his mom back then,‭ ‬scared she will hate him for not being perfect.‭ ‬It was never easy to admit something like this to parents,‭ ‬what‭’‬s more when they were in the age to slowly think about their own family,‭ ‬but‭ ‬now they had each other,‭ ‬Sungmin would always be by his side.‭ “‬They won‭’‬t hate you,‭ ‬Kyu.‭ ‬They‭’‬re your parents.‭ ‬If they loved you until now,‭ ‬they will love after you tell them too.‭ ‬Don‭’‬t worry,‭”‬ he squeezed his hand encouragingly,‭ ‬placing his head on Kyuhyun‭’‬s chest.

‭“Thank you.”

Sungmin nodded,‭ ‬loving the sound of his lover‭’‬s heart beating frantically under his ear,‭ ‬from fear or excitement,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t know.‭ “‬Kyu,‭ ‬how is your hyung‭? ‬He looked broken when we were leaving,‭”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬staring on the television,‭ ‬even though he didn‭’‬t really pay attention to it.‭ ‬He was glad for them having their time alone just for each other,‭ ‬still he couldn‭’‬t help the thought about what had happened at the party to come to him once in a while.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t seen Hyukjae since then too.

‭“He’s better,” Kyuhyun sighed, wondering if if he was studying psychology he would be also able to see through Jongwoon so easily; if he would be able to help him better. “At least he stopped pretending that he’s okay.”

Sungmin wanted to answer but instead he gasped loudly when long slim fingers sneaked under his T-shirt,‭ ‬caressing the skin of his back gently as if he could fade if he was touched more.‭ “‬Kyu‭?”‬ his breath hitched in his throat from the sensation.

‭“I want it to be only the two of us now,” he raised Sungmin’s chin with the other hand, pecking his nose before moving to cheeks and capturing his lips in slow loving kiss, Sungmin’s body tensing under the touch. “We will stop whenever you say, I promise.”



**



“So you did it‭?”

“Did what‭?”‬ he smiled mischievously.‭ ‬He was on his way home with Hyukjae after their usual meeting.‭ ‬He‭’‬d known there was something utterly wrong with his dongsaeng since the moment they‭’‬d met -‭ ‬he‭’‬d been too calm for something bad not happening -‭ ‬but decided to talk about it later.‭ ‬At the moment he was too happy for himself to worry too much.‭ ‬Problems could wait,‭ ‬right now he needed to share his excitement no matter if the other was willing to listen to it or not.

Hyukjae sighed dramatically.‭ “‬Don‭’‬t play dumb,‭ ‬hyung,‭ ‬did you have ‭?”

“Having is for people who don‭’‬t have the feeling,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬we MADE LOVE,‭”‬ he answered seriously,‭ ‬making the latter gape at his open words.‭ “‬You really..‭?”

“Don‭’‬t look at me like that,‭”‬ he blushed,‭ ‬darting his eyes on his shoes,‭ “‬it‭’‬s not like we went that far.‭ ‬I was scared.‭ ‬It‭’‬s still too early to actually do the thing.‭ ‬But he was sweet,‭ ‬you know,‭”‬ Sungmin sang dreamingly.

Hyukjae stuck his tongue out in acted disgust.‭ ‬He was happy for his hyung enjoying his relationship but couldn‭’‬t help but feel jealous.‭ ‬He wished he could be like this too with his beloved one.‭ ‬Since the day he‭’‬d ended everything with Donghae he‭’‬d felt lost like everything he‭’‬d ever lived for disappeared and he‭’‬d gone through many times when he just wanted to give up and call him,‭ ‬apologize and beg for taking him back but he‭’‬d always convinced himself that what he did was right.‭ ‬He had to save his relationship no matter how much it hurt him.‭ ‬It was the only thing he could do to make them all happy.‭ ‬He will be happy when Donghae will be happy‭; ‬he will be happy with just the memory of the piece of his heart he once owned. His feelings didn’t matter anymore.

Sungmin sighed,‭ ‬knocked out of his dreamland the moment his eyes landed back on his friend.‭ “‬What have you done to Donghae this time‭?”

“I made him‭ ‬go back to his boyfriend,‭”‬ he frowned,‭ ‬annoyed with the tone Sungmin spoke in.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t need anyone to talk with him like he was always only messing up.

The latter shook his head.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t believe it.‭ ‬They were getting better,‭ ‬he could finally have the man he loved but‭ ‬shoved him away‭? ‬After such a torture‭; ‬after what he’d gone through‭; ‬after all he did for him,‭ ‬did he really let him go‭? ‬He stopped abruptly,‭ ‬turning to him and grasping his shoulders.‭ ‬He knew he should have looked after him not to do anything stupid again.‭ “‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬they won‭’‬t make up.‭ ‬They‭’‬re both over it,‭ ‬they have someone else they like now.‭ ‬Even though you feel bad for being the one who caused it,‭ ‬you can‭’‬t make them get back together.‭ ‬This is life,‭ ‬it happens.‭ ‬Many people break others’ relationship on purpose,‭ ‬you did not.‭ ‬It wasn‭’‬t your fault,‭ ‬but since it already happened,‭ ‬be a little selfish and grab him when you still can.‭ ‬He can be yours now,‭ ‬why do you refuse him when you wanted him so much‭? ‬Hyukkie,‭ ‬he told you himself,‭ ‬he loves you,‭ ‬not Ryeowook,‭”‬ he‭ ‬shook him violently in desperate attempt to pour some sense into his head.

‭“Ryeowook..,” Hyukjae repeated numbly. The boy’s name was Ryeowook. He felt like murder again, knowing his name. He looked at Sungmin blindly. “Ryeowook..?”

“Yes,‭ ‬Ryeowook,‭ ‬so what,‭ ‬how many people of this name live in the world‭?! ‬God,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬wake up‭! ‬The only thing you get by this is that you break down‭!”‬ he shook him again and even slapped him in the face.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t care how much violence he‭’‬ll need to use in the middle of the street if it made Hyukjae see.‭ ‬He just hoped he won‭’‬t be the idiotic persistent monkey he always was.‭ “‬Please,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬you can‭’‬t leave him like this after all that happened.‭ ‬Remember what I told you‭? ‬He needs you.‭ ‬Things won‭’‬t solve on their own if you hide and don‭’‬t want to see it.‭ ‬Don‭’‬t care about Ryeowook,‭ ‬he already has someone good to take care of him and you have someone too.‭ ‬It‭’‬s still not too late to make things work.‭”

Hyukjae stared at Sungmin,‭ ‬his mind slowly taking in what he said.‭ ‬Donghae told him he loved him but he wasn‭’‬t in his right mind,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t mean it.‭ ‬He said he wanted Ryeowook back,‭ ‬he said it himself so why should he keep him from doing so‭? ‬If they wanted to be together he shouldn‭’‬t be in the way.‭ ‬He already caused enough pain so why did Sungmin want him to cause even more‭?

“He doesn‭’‬t feel better without you,‭ ‬believe me.‭ ‬People are the most honest when they‭’‬re in the most emotional moments.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t lie.‭ ‬He does love you.‭”

Does he really..‭?



**



Yoona looked at her reflection in the hospital‭’‬s restroom‭’‬s mirror with panic in her eyes.‭ ‬It couldn‭’‬t be true,‭ ‬it didn‭’‬t happen.‭ ‬What will her parents say‭? ‬She couldn‭’‬t just tell them like everything is okay.‭ ‬The hell nothing was okay‭! ‬She didn‭’‬t know what to do.‭ “‬Kyu..,‭”‬ she whispered,‭ ‬leaning on the wall next to the washbasin and hid her face in her palms.‭ “‬Kyu...‭”



**



Donghae stood in the door of his apartment,‭ ‬a handle of a luggage in his hand.‭ ‬After living with his family for last two weeks he’d decided to accept his mom‭’‬s offer and move back to them.‭ ‬He was happy there,‭ ‬could meet with his friends from high school and it wasn‭’‬t so far from his university anyway.‭ ‬He had everything packed already,‭ ‬ready for moving,‭ ‬and he was going to leave too when something blocked his way.‭ ‬He looked down on the red hair of panting man in front of him.‭ “‬What are you doing here,‭ ‬Hyukjae‭?”‬ he asked flatly.‭ ‬He wasn‭’‬t interested in whatever the guy had to tell him.‭ ‬It‭’‬d taken him more than week to stop crying and being able to get out of his room,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t feel like listening to anything more from him.

‭“Hae..,” Hyukjae whispered, hopelessness all over his being. He knew it. He knew it was already too late to try to correct his mistake but he was scared to face him until now. He feared Donghae would have exactly this reaction, throwing him away like he’d done to him. He wasn’t surprised, he deserved it after all, but he still wasn’t ready for it to really happen. Hyukjae could swear that if mental violence could kill, he would be pretty much dead by now how much he cursed on himself in last days for being such an idiot. Sungmin was right. He wasn’t sure about the “it’s not too late yet” part, but he was right about Donghae. Hyukjae’d made him fall for him and then just left him there, alone, even though he knew in what state he was; even though he knew Donghae hated loneliness. And honestly, he didn’t want to give up on him; he didn’t want to hold back for someone else anymore, the kiss Donghae’d gave him still lingering upon his lips. “I came to...”

“To tell me personally that I was nothing more than a game for you‭? ‬I‭’‬m not your toy,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬you can‭’‬t be with me when you wish so and pass me to someone else when you get bored.‭ ‬And if you really have to be such a ing jerk,‭ ‬can‭’‬t you at least come and tell me‭? ‬Are you such a coward that you need to write it in damn a message‭?!”‬ he laughed sarcastically,‭ ‬scorn dripping from his voice.

Hyukjae bit his bottom lip hard to suppress the sobs he felt coming.‭ ‬Donghae hated him.‭ ‬He’d made the person he loved the most hate him again.‭ ‬It was like back then but now he was the one who‭’‬d left him too.‭ ‬He closed his eyes,‭ ‬taking a deep breath before looking at the latter,‭ ‬determination on his face.‭ “‬Hit me.‭”

“What‭?”‬ Donghae backed away in shock.

‭“The hell punch me like the first time, Donghae!”

He stared at him searching for what he was aiming for,‭ ‬not able to get what was this about.‭ ‬He came to tell him to hurt him‭? ‬No mocking,‭ ‬begging or apologizing‭? ‬Donghae found it rather ridiculous.‭ ‬He chuckled,‭ ‬stepping forward as he brought his fist back,‭ ‬their eyes never leaving each other‭’‬s.‭ ‬He hated him from the bottom of his heart for playing with him, one moment being all caring and the next stepping on his feelings heartlessly,‭ ‬declaring it was for his sake.‭ ‬Hyukjae confused him.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t know what was going on in his mind,‭ ‬why was he so loving and cruel at the same time.‭ ‬Donghae hated him for causing him so much pain but still found himself not able to grant his wish and just break that stupid beautiful face of his.‭ ‬At least he‭ ‬was honest when he confessed to him.‭ “‬I can‭’‬t,‭”‬ he mumbled,‭ ‬head bowed as he let his arm fall down.

‭“Please, Hae, I hurt you so hurt me back," Hyukjae cried out, his expression suddenly changing to pleading. “I won’t be able to forgive myself if you don’t do it,” he gasped in surprise when he felt his head turning forcefully, his jaw burning in pain. He brought a hand to where Donghae’s fist impacted his face, raising his eyes back to the latter who stood in front of him panting angrily, ironic smirk on his lips. “Selfish bastard. You don’t care if I forgive you, it’s pretty much enough for you to forgive yourself,” he spat. The guts this man had. Did he think world will turn like he wanted it to?!

“It‭’‬s not like that...‭”

“No‭?”‬ he raised his eyebrows,‭ ‬leaning on the wall with arms crossed on his chest.‭ “‬So how is it,‭ ‬Hyukjae‭? ‬I would really love to know.‭ ‬I would love to know what it is like because I don‭’‬t understand.‭ ‬I don‭’‬t get you at all.‭”

“I don‭’‬t ask you to forgive me because I know you can‭’‬t.‭ ‬I hurt you so much..,‭”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬clutching on his heart.‭ ‬He’d known from the moment Donghae‭’‬d opened the door.‭ ‬The look in his eyes,‭ ‬the way he was talking with him,‭ ‬everything showed he didn‭’‬t want to have anything in common with him.‭ ‬Hyukjae didn‭’‬t hope for second chance anymore,‭ ‬he just wanted to end it clearly,‭ ‬without having to hate himself for the rest of his life for leaving him only with message.‭ ‬He wanted it to be like if he‭’‬d told him.‭ ‬And still there was the crack in his heart when he silently said goodbye to his love once more,‭ ‬now without hope for changing it.‭ “‬I‭’‬m sorry.‭”

Donghae sighed deeply,‭ ‬the annoyed frown slowly fading.‭ “‬You know a about what I can,‭ ‬Lee Hyukjae,‭”‬ he didn‭’‬t really know why he decided to try to hear him out and understand why‭ ‬he‭’‬d done all those things when he‭’‬d wanted to erase him from his heart only half an hour ago.‭ ‬He reached his hand out to the idiotic man in front of him. “Come in,‭ ‬it was enough show for the neighbors.‭”

They shut the door after them,‭ ‬standing in awkward silence in the very same hall where Donghae had cried in Hyukjae‭’‬s arms for the first time,‭ ‬but now it was different.‭ ‬The room was full of boxes packed with Donghae‭’‬s stuffs.‭ ‬Hyukjae looked around,‭ ‬only now truly taking in how the flat looked.‭ ‬It felt cold,‭ ‬the hooks on which photo-frames used to hang,‭ ‬sticking from the walls empty.‭ ‬It was lonely,‭ ‬somehow giving the same impression as its owner,‭ ‬and Hyukjae knew that this also was his fault.‭ ‬Everything bad in Donghae‭’‬s life was his fault.‭ ‬He wanted‭ ‬to make up for it,‭ ‬he wanted to make him happy for once.‭ ‬He wished there was a way.‭ “‬Hae...‭”

“Shut up‭!”‬ he yelled and Hyukjae froze in shock,‭ ‬staring at him with widened eyes.‭ “‬I‭’‬m trying to think,‭ ‬Hyukjae‭! ‬Do you think it‭’‬s easy‭?! ‬I was getting over you giving up on me for damn two weeks and now when I finally made it,‭ ‬you‭’‬re here confusing me again‭! ‬I don‭’‬t know you,‭ ‬I don‭’‬t know what I should expect from you.‭ ‬I don‭’‬t even know why you’ve dumped me‭!”

“I wanted you to be happy.‭ ‬When you were talking about the boy I felt you still love him and when you said you wanted him back...‭ ‬It‭’‬s not easy for me too,‭ ‬Hae,‭ ‬you don‭’‬t know how much guilty I felt every time you talked about him and when I saw him being hurt so much I thought that I really should have disappeared from your lives right from the start,‭ ‬so I decided to do it now.‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry for making things so difficult for you.‭”

Donghae couldn‭’‬t help to smile sadly.‭ ‬So it was like this.‭ He‘d really been doing everything for him. “‬You‭’‬re idiot,‭ ‬Hyukjae.‭ ‬I’ve never once lied you,‭ ‬you know.‭ ‬Even the first day when I told you there‭’‬s no chance for me and Ryeowook to get back together,‭ ‬it was true,‭ ‬but you obviously didn‭’‬t believe me.‭ ‬Don‭’‬t act like you know people.‭ ‬Ryeowook isn‭’‬t like this.‭ ‬He doesn‭’‬t break-up with someone if he sees there‭’‬s still a hope.‭ ‬But it doesn‭’‬t matter,‭ ‬you didn‭’‬t believe me even when I told you I love you.‭ ‬That‭’‬s what hurts.‭”

“Hae,‭ ‬I‭’‬m so-‭”

“No,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬don‭’‬t say it.‭ ‬Remember‭? ‬I give a damn if you‭’‬re sorry or not.‭”

“You just hate me for showing my stupid face in front of you,‭ ‬I know,‭”‬ he replied calmly.‭ ‬He knew what will come next and he didn‭’‬t complain.‭ ‬He was glad Donghae at least let him explain.

Donghae nodded slowly,‭ ‬running his hand through his hair.‭ ‬He was tired of it all‭; ‬of always being confused‭; ‬of not knowing what to do,‭ ‬he wanted to‭ ‬be alone.‭ “‬Right,‭”‬ he murmured,‭ ‬bringing his look to Hyukjae,‭ ‬taking in his features for one last time before he stepped back from the door and opened it for him.‭ “‬Could you please leave now‭? ‬Don‭’‬t try to find me,‭ ‬I don‭’‬t ask anything else from you,‭ ‬just‭ ‬this,‭”‬ he was serious but deep in his heart he didn‭’‬t want to forget the man.‭ ‬Somewhere in the scarred heart covered in red-haired madness,‭ ‬he felt he will miss him.



‭**



He winced in pain as his fist crashed into the wall,‭ ‬leaving his knuckles with bloody scratches.‭ ‬Why‭? ‬Why did always everything had to go wrong right when he started to be happy‭? ‬Why‭?! ‬He was going to ask his parents if it was okay to bring Sungmin along to introduce him as his boyfriend‭; ‬he was ready to take responsibility for whatever would happen but now it was gone.‭ ‬He’d lost it all with this one short sentence the girl he would die for few years ago,‭ ‬said with shaky,‭ ‬crying voice.‭ ‬The idiot he was,‭ ‬promising himself to protect her to make up for how he‭’‬d been to her when they were dating,‭ ‬but ending up being the one who had hurt her again.‭ ‬But now it wasn‭’‬t only her,‭ ‬he had someone he cared for and he couldn‭’‬t let him into this .‭ ‬It was his fault,‭ ‬his responsibility,‭ ‬Sungmin had nothing in common with it.

Kyuhyun yelled out,‭ ‬punching the wall of his room again,‭ ‬the blood staining the white paint.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t care.‭ ‬No ache he would ever feel could compare to how he was inside‭ ‬-‭ ‬hopeless,‭ ‬torn; clueless.‭ ‬He refused to let go of his bunny boy but the situation didn‭’‬t give him another choice.‭ ‬He had to help solve it as he could‭;‬ bringing Sungmin into the picture now was out of the question.‭ ‬Still he couldn‭’‬t find the courage to openly say him what was going on.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t stop thinking and worry about him.‭ ‬He got thousands of messages and calls from him but never replied to any,‭ ‬knowing he wouldn‭’‬t be able to hold back if he heard his voice.

He cursed on himself loudly.‭ ‬He was a cold again,‭ ‬ignoring him no matter how much Sungmin tried to talk to him,‭ ‬asking what‭ ‬happened and if he‭’‬s okay,‭ ‬when they met in the school.‭ ‬He always told him to mind his own business,‭ ‬his heart dying a little every time he saw the familiar hurt in the boy‭’‬s eyes.‭ ‬He hated himself for it but couldn‭’‬t do anything else.‭ ‬He had to keep him‭ ‬from it for his own sake.‭ ‬Sungmin couldn‭’‬t do anything about it anyway,‭ ‬it was easier to have him out of the way for the time being.

‭“I’m sorry, hyung,” Kyuhyun cried, taking his coat as he left the dorm, preparing for the last, final strike that would kill his heart forever.



Sungmin stared in panic at Kyuhyun‭’‬s hand covered in dried blood.‭ ‬Had he been in a fight‭? ‬What was going on with him last days‭? ‬He‭’‬d been incredibly cold,‭ ‬even more than before they started their relationship,‭ ‬changing from day to day.‭ ‬Sungmin was hurt by his actions,‭ ‬being shoved away all the time he tried to show him he cared and help him,‭ ‬but could see there was something serious happening to Kyuhyun he just simply wasn‭’‬t confident to talk about.‭ ‬He wanted to make him‭; ‬he wanted to support‭ ‬him,‭ ‬to be by his side to catch him if he was falling.‭ “‬Kyu,‭ ‬what happened‭? ‬Why haven‭’‬t you been answering my calls‭? ‬I was worried.‭ ‬You can tell me,‭ ‬I‭’‬m here for you,‭”‬ he voiced with sincere concern,‭ ‬reaching out to take his hand but Kyuhyun backed away,‭ ‬a trace of hesitation in his eyes before his look changed to strong and icing again.‭ “‬I told you to not bother yourself.‭ ‬It has nothing to do with you,‭”‬ he spat coldly,‭ ‬fighting hard not to dart his eyes away.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t stand the sight of his pink lover being‭ ‬heartbroken right in front of him.‭ ‬He wanted to hug him,‭ ‬comfort him,‭ ‬to say it was okay,‭ ‬that nothing was wrong but it wasn‭’‬t the case.‭ ‬Everything was utterly wrong and he was desperate.

I‭’‬m sorry,‭ ‬hyung...

‭“But Kyu...”

He had never raised his voice at him.‭ ‬Never before.‭ “‬Just the let me be‭!”

...‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry but this way it‭’‬ll be easier for both of us.

‭“Why..,” he gasped, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. He felt betrayed, dirty, murdered, , chewed and spit out, played with; again he was just the distraction for boring days you use and leave behind when it’s no more needed. “Why are you like this? I want to help you, Kyu, with whatever is troubling you. Please, let me. Isn’t it my task as your boyfriend?”

Kyuhyun chuckled darkly with a smirk.‭ “‬Do you really think you were ever that much for me‭? ‬It was just a game,‭ ‬now it‭’‬s over,‭ ‬so don‭’‬t image things.‭”

I‭’‬m sorry for hurting you again but it has to be done.‭ ‬For you.

His body was trembling with sobs.‭ ‬It was all just a dream.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to believe it.‭ ‬It was just a nightmare he‭’‬ll surely wake up from soon.‭ ‬He lied.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t really mean it,‭ ‬right‭? ‬Sungmin laughed.‭ “‬Don‭’‬t joke around,‭ ‬Kyu,‭ ‬it‭’‬s not funny.‭”

“I‭’‬m not.‭”

Don‭‘‬t give me that look.‭ ‬Do you think it‭‘‬s easy‭?! ‬Do you think it doesn‭‘‬t hurt me too‭?!

“W-What do you mean‭?”‬ his big round eyes turned red and puffy,‭ ‬unstoppable tears making his sight blurred.‭ ‬What was Kyuhyun talking about‭? ‬Why was he like this suddenly‭? ‬He couldn‭’‬t think straight,‭ ‬it hurt so much.‭ “‬Y-You‭’‬ve never really loved me‭?”

I‭’‬m sorry,‭ ‬I’ve never told you but I do love you...‭ “‬Correct,‭”‬ he nodded with cruel smile and his heel,‭ ‬stuffing his hands to the coat pockets to hide he was clutching them into fists to control himself,‭ ‬his own tears forming in his eyes.‭ ‬He had to do it.‭ ‬No matter how much it hurt them,‭ ‬he had to.‭ ‬In his mind he kept repeating it was for Sungmin‭; ‬that they would force them to break-up sooner or later anyway so it was better to do it himself;‭ ‬as he left the crying,‭ ‬heartbroken boy behind,‭ ‬all they‭’‬d ever had turning into painfully beautiful memories with each next step.

And like that he abandoned what he’d come to believe was love of his life.

***

A/N: So well... second part. Hope you'll like it and won't kill me for the end and will wait for me patiently 'cause I still can't move with the 4th part but really am trying!!! comment for me, dears <3 thank you for always being with me ^^ :3

A/N2: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAO!!!

A/N3: i'm sorry for the confusion with this post missing EVERY word "break" it included. i dunno how it happened but corrected it already. really sorry. and thanks my babe for telling me ;)))