-> the blue parts are flashbacks <-

Sungmin stood in front of his university campus‭’‬ entrance gate,‭ ‬little smile on his lips.‭ ‬He was finally back.‭ ‬After holiday he could finally study his beloved psychology again.‭ ‬Sure he liked being with his family and Hyukjae a lot but the school was one of the places he loved the most.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t wait to go the park to train kung-fu.‭ ‬There was no place to do so around his home and he missed it.

He looked around,‭ ‬the feeling of being where he belonged to filling him with happiness,‭ ‬and the smile widened even more,‭ ‬just to fade instantly as his eyes landed on the people around him.‭ ‬As much as he was glad to be back at school,‭ ‬this was one thing he didn‭’‬t look forward to‭ ‬-‭ ‬all the students being so touchy-feely with each other,‭ ‬leaving him lonely and embarrassed for being the only one left without a partner.‭ ‬But he couldn‭’‬t help it,‭ ‬he wasn‭’‬t like that.‭ ‬He wasn‭’‬t a person who would just casually approach someone and become close with them.‭ ‬And honestly,‭ ‬he never felt a need to.‭ ‬He had Hyukjae and he‭’‬d always thought it was pretty much enough,‭ ‬but now he suddenly found himself wanting more than just a friend.‭ ‬He wanted to hold hands in that sweet intimate way too‭; ‬he too wanted someone to press him to their side,‭ ‬lean to him and whisper him cheesy little things just for him to giggle at it and hit the person playfully.‭ ‬He too wanted to be loved and needed,‭ ‬but it wasn‭’‬t so easy for him.‭ ‬The couples passing him were all straight.‭ ‬They didn‭’‬t have to deal with disapproving looks,‭ ‬mocking from others and they had many to choose from in the first place.‭ ‬Sungmin bent his head sadly.‭ ‬Right,‭ ‬for him it was much more difficult to find a lover.

“Watch where you‭’‬re going,‭ ‬man‭!‬” a voice interrupted his thoughts,‭ ‬pulling him back to reality with harsh accusing tone,‭ ‬and he raised his look to the boy standing in front of him with confident smirk on his face.‭ ‬He was much taller than Sungmin,‭ ‬forcing him to look up at him.‭ ‬Sungmin hated‭ ‬how it ruined the deadly glare he was intending to shoot him when he realized the rude guy was a freshman.‭ ‬He opened his mouth,‭ ‬annoyance all over his expression,‭ ‬to remind him of their age difference but never got a chance to say anything as the boy grabbed his shoulders and gently pushed him out of his way with satisfied nod.

Sungmin‭’‬s heart beat crazily as he stood frozen,‭ ‬staring emptily at the place where the man had been only a moment ago.‭ ‬His mind went blank.‭ ‬Who was he‭? ‬The first person in his life‭ ‬who‭’‬d made his heart skip at least two frantic beats just from the memory of the few short seconds he was touching him‭; ‬the mannerless freshman for who Sungmin fell instantly.



“Stop thinking about him,‭ ‬hyung,‭ ‬he‭’‬s not worth it.‭”

Sungmin smiled weakly at his concerned dongsaeng,‭ ‬sitting next to him on the couch in his apartment.‭ ‬“I know.‭”‬ It had been half a year since Kyuhyun‭’‬d left him crying in the middle of the school campus,‭ ‬telling him that he was nothing more than what he‭’‬d been called right from the‭ ‬start‭ ‬-‭ ‬a distraction.‭ ‬Sungmin never hated him for it.‭ ‬It was his own fault for being so blind and naive to think he actually cared.‭ ‬He should have known better than to fall for his act.‭ ‬But even thought he didn‭’‬t blame him,‭ ‬what had Kyuhyun done left him‭ ‬with a bitter feeling,‭ ‬unable to trust people,‭ ‬not believing in love anymore‭; ‬and if it wasn‭’‬t for Hyukjae always being by his side,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t dare to guess how he would end up.‭ ‬Hyukjae helped him heal his heart little by little until he was willing to open it up for someone again at least a bit.‭ ‬It was him who collected him from the bottom of darkness and brought him back to life.‭ ‬They‭’‬d became much closer in the last months than ever before and Sungmin was quite sure that if they hadn‭’‬t been friends from‭ ‬since they could remember,‭ ‬he would pretty much fall in love with him by now.‭ ‬He was grateful for them being only friends,‭ ‬though.‭ ‬At least friend wouldn‭’‬t break your heart.

Hyukjae sighed deeply,‭ ‬his worried eyes pinned on the broken form of his once bright hyung.‭ ‬It wasn‭’‬t fair.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t deserve first experience like this.‭ ‬He should have stopped him right at the beginning when Kyuhyun‭’‬d hurt him for the first time,‭ ‬but he‭’‬d been too preoccupied by his own problems with Donghae that he forgot to take care of his very best friend.‭ ‬He felt guilty and responsible.‭ ‬“You know you‭’‬re hurting Henry by this,‭ ‬right‭?” ‬he asked,‭ ‬watching with a frown as Sungmin nodded hesitantly.‭ ‬He kind of pitied the new kid.‭ ‬He knew he really liked Sungmin and was willing to suffer for him,‭ ‬waiting for him to slowly give him his heart,‭ ‬but he couldn‭’‬t help to be afraid it‭’‬ll ruin him.‭ ‬He was too young for a love-torture like this.‭ ‬Hyukjae knew,‭ ‬he‭’‬d been in the same position with Donghae and what he got from it was nothing but pain.‭ ‬He‭’‬d kept his promise and never contacted him again after he moved away.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t heard a single word from him for the whole six months and eventually the feelings just faded.‭ ‬He was still sometimes thinking about him but it wasn‭’‬t the same anymore.‭ ‬His‭ ‬heartbeat didn‭’‬t quicken,‭ ‬he no more felt a desire to see him‭; ‬he wasn‭’‬t lonely without him around.‭ ‬At times he missed it,‭ ‬but if it was what Donghae wanted,‭ ‬then he‭’‬d undergo it.‭ ‬He‭’‬d ruined his life enough,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t be mad at him for wanting to erase‭ ‬him from it.‭ ‬And after all,‭ ‬they had nothing in common anymore,‭ ‬there was no reason to keep hoping.‭ ‬It was time for him to move on too.

“Did I tell you,‭ ‬Hyukjae‭? ‬It was the same,‭”‬ Sungmin laughed after a moment of silence,‭ ‬bringing Hyukjae‭’‬s attention back to him.‭ ‬It was so pain-filled,‭ ‬scornful sound that the latter‭’‬s chest clenched.‭ ‬What did his hyung turn into‭? ‬What did Kyuhyun make him into‭?



“H-Hyukjae..,‭”‬ Sungmin cried into the phone,‭ ‬clutching on his heart as the sobs left his throat painfully.‭ ‬He was still on the same place where Kyuhyun had left him,‭ ‬sitting in the middle of the road heartbroken and desperate.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t understand.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to understand but the questions just wouldn‭’‬t stop running in his mind.‭ ‬Why‭? ‬Why would Kyuhyun do it‭? ‬Why would he play with him like this‭? ‬Weren‭’‬t they happy together‭? ‬Was it all just an act too‭? ‬The care,‭ ‬gentleness,‭ ‬the shy confession‭ ‬-‭ ‬has all of it really been a lie‭? ‬And if,‭ ‬what had Kyuhyun wanted from him‭? ‬What had he wanted to gain by it‭? ‬“H-Hyukjae,‭ ‬he...‭”

“Hyung‭?‬” the latter sounded panicked on the other side of the line,‭ ‬making Sungmin chuckle lightly at the irony.‭ ‬Here was the person who cared‭ ‬-‭ ‬his childhood friend,‭ ‬not the one who he was going out with for last two months.‭ ‬“Hyung,‭ ‬where are you‭?‬ What happened‭?”

Sungmin took a deep breath,‭ ‬wiping his tears with a sleeve of his jumper as he forced himself to calm down enough to make an understandable sentence.‭ ‬“School,‭”‬ he answered in shaky voice.

“I‭’‬ll be right there.‭”

He nodded as Hyukjae‭’‬s voice changed into the beeping sound,‭ ‬telling him the latter ended the call.‭ ‬Sungmin stayed staring numbly at the ground,‭ ‬cell phone pressed to his ear,‭ ‬his body still trembling,‭ ‬weak and tired from all the crying.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to put his arm down,‭ ‬fearing he‭’‬ll see the display background picture he loved so much only‭ ‬20‭ ‬minutes ago.‭ ‬The photo of them taken at Kyuhyun‭’‬s birthday party right before things became mess,‭ ‬in the short moment when Sungmin managed to make Kyuhyun wear a paper party cap too.‭ ‬He wanted to be angry,‭ ‬to delete Kyuhyun‭’‬s number,‭ ‬the photos of him,‭ ‬he wanted to hate him,‭ ‬but couldn‭’‬t bring himself to do so.‭ ‬He was just broken.‭ ‬So ing much broken that no-one could make him whole again.‭ ‬And yet he still loved the selfish bastard who had made him like that.

‭“Hyung!” a familiar voice called him, hands grabbing his shoulders like Kyuhyun did the first time they’d met, shaking him lightly, frightened eyes opened wide as the person took in the sight of his crumpled figure on the ground. He couldn’t find the name for the man for a second, his mind clouded with pain. “Hyukjae..,” he laughed dryly, when it finally sunk in. “K-Kyu said he’s never l-lo-” his voice broke and he threw himself into his dongsaeng’s arms crying again, letting out all the frustration and hurt that had piled up in him in the time Kyuhyun had played with him so cruelly. “Why, Hyukjae? W-Why?”

Hyukjae didn‭’‬t need to hear more as he encircled his arms around Sungmin‭’‬s body securely,‭ ‬giving him the bit of comfort he could with his own heart broken.‭ ‬“I don‭’‬t know,‭ ‬hyung,‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry.‭”



“What was the same‭?”‬ he asked,‭ ‬the memory of the day Kyuhyun had threw Sungmin away in the most heartless way possible making his heart hurt.‭ ‬He knew his hyung hadn‭’‬t got over it yet‭ ‬-‭ ‬he was far from it,‭ ‬even though he tried to look okay.

“The way I fell for them.‭ ‬He and Henry,‭ ‬it was the same,‭”‬ Sungmin whispered,‭ ‬his eyes emptily looking at the floor.‭ ‬He felt numb.‭ ‬There was nothing in his heart,‭ ‬not even pain anymore,‭ ‬it all left with Kyuhyun the moment he‭’‬d just walked away after stepping on everything Sungmin had ever had with that damn smirk on his lips.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t hate him,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t love anymore,‭ ‬there was only fear.‭ ‬Deep fear of trusting anyone again‭; ‬of giving‭ ‬himself to anyone again.‭ ‬“I don‭’‬t love him,‭ ‬Hyuk,‭”‬ he continued,‭ ‬sadness and defeat in his voice.‭ ‬“I can‭’‬t ever love him the way I did love Kyu.‭”

Hyukjae could see the hint of hurt crossing his face when he voiced the man‭’‬s name.‭ ‬It had never disappeared even for a second.‭ ‬“So why did you accept him‭?‬” Henry was nice,‭ ‬cheerful kid,‭ ‬anyone would easily fall for him,‭ ‬so he wasn‭’‬t surprised his hyung did too but it still wasn‭’‬t right to give him hopes when he didn‭’‬t have true feeling for him.

He looked up with‭ ‬desperate expression.‭ ‬“I don‭’‬t know...”





**





Sungmin slowly approached the boy waiting for him in front of his school.‭ ‬He chuckled at himself finding the scene painfully familiar and still so different at the same time,‭ ‬because this time the one he was going out with wasn‭’‬t snarky,‭ ‬evil Kyuhyun but not-so-tall chubby Canadian-Chinese high-schooler,‭ ‬nervously stepping at the spot,‭ ‬playing with a hem of his loosely worn shirt tucked in a black skinny jeans only half the way.‭ ‬Sungmin couldn‭’‬t help a little smile to cross his lips at the guy‭’‬s cuteness.‭ ‬“Henry,” he called out,‭ ‬making the latter jump in surprise.‭ ‬“Sungmin,” he replied,‭ ‬suddenly beaming.‭ ‬It felt strange for him to call someone who was obviously older than him only by his name even though they were dating,‭ ‬but Sungmin breaking down,‭ ‬begging him in tears not to use‭ ‘‬hyung’ was something he didn‭’‬t want to see twice,‭ ‬no matter how much he didn‭’‬t understand.‭ ‬“You surprised me.”

“Sorry,‭ ‬did you wait long‭?‬”

Henry just shook his head as he reached his hand out for Sungmin to hold it.‭ ‬A sadness and sympathy flashed on his face for a second when he didn‭’‬t.‭ ‬He knew there was something bad happening to his boyfriend in the past,‭ ‬making him closed and cold to any signs of affection.‭ ‬He knew he had to be patient with him and help him to overcome it,‭ ‬slowly as he needed.‭ ‬He let his hand fall numbly to his side,‭ ‬giving Sungmin a short reassuring smile as they walked off together.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬it wasn‭’‬t easy for him to be with his cute hyung,‭ ‬never allowed to touch him,‭ ‬not knowing what he was feeling since he never told him,‭ ‬not even sure if he really liked him back,‭ ‬but he couldn‭’‬t give up.‭ ‬Maybe it was the incredibly hurt,‭ ‬broken expression he had when they first met at his high school‭’‬s festival where he came to see his‭ ‬brother,‭ ‬or the adorable light blush on his cheeks when he caught him staring at him,‭ ‬what captured his heart‭; ‬he didn‭’‬t know,‭ ‬but the feeling was so deep and strong that he could swear he would wait for him for the eternity if he was occasionally met with the honest smile Sungmin couldn‭’‬t hold back from time to time.

Sungmin bent his head when Henry‭’‬s hand fell down unoccupied.‭ ‬He felt bad for hurting the boy,‭ ‬he was sure he was hurting him by it even though Henry never said a word,‭ ‬but he couldn‭’‬t take it.‭ ‬Everything reminded him of Kyuhyun,‭ ‬everything was telling him his heart will get broken again if he got too close to someone new and it scared him.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to go through it again.‭ “‬How was your day‭?‬” he asked quietly,‭ ‬trying to put the most care he could into it.‭ ‬No matter how unaffectionate he was towards the kid,‭ ‬he wasn‭’‬t uninterested.‭ ‬He did like him‭ ‬-‭ ‬just not loved.

‭“Good, even though your brother is better matchmaker than boyfriend. He’s really hopeless,” he laughed. Sungjin was definitely hopeless when it came to girls but his observing ability never failed. It was thanks to him seeing the glances he was giving Sungmin at the festival and being smart enough to understand, that Henry was now dating his brother. He was grateful to have a friend like that.

Henry‭’‬s heart fluttered when he heard a small giggle from the other man.‭ “‬Yeah,‭ ‬he is..,‭”‬ Sungmin smiled lightly at the thought of his little brother.‭ ‬He always knew when someone had feelings for someone else but never got a girlfriend for himself,‭ ‬being too shy to confess.‭ ‬He was also the first one to know about Sungmin‭’‬s crush on Kyuhyun,‭ ‬even before he‭’‬d told anyone‭; ‬even before Hyukjae knew.

Kyuhyun...‭ ‬Sungmin hadn‭’‬t seen him in the school anymore after their break-up.‭ ‬Maybe it was because their departments were quite far away from each other,‭ ‬but he hadn‭’‬t met him in the library either.‭ ‬Not that he wanted to,‭ ‬the thoughts about him were enough to make him a mess at least for the rest of the day,‭ ‬but he couldn‭’‬t help to wonder where the boy had disappeared to and worry about him.‭ ‬Yeah,‭ ‬he‭’‬d ruined him but Sungmin never stopped loving him.‭ ‬It‭’‬d been his own fault for not being good enough that he had got dumped.‭ ‬Kyuhyun was just being Kyuhyun‭ ‬-‭ ‬the evil,‭ ‬idiotic,‭ ‬cold- freshman he‭’‬d fell in love with.‭ ‬The one,‭ ‬who he had given his everything and got pain in return.

‭“Min? Are you okay?” He looked up in the concerned eyes of the boy he was dating; only now noticing his own were watering. Henry was kind, honest, caring kid; Sungmin hated himself for thinking about his previous lover when he was with him, he just reminded him of Kyuhyun oh so much. From the sweet smile to the fact he couldn’t afford anything fancy so their dates were almost always walking; there were so many similarities and he was so scared the rest will be the same too. “It’s nothing, I’m sorry.” He felt like crying, seeing the boy hesitating to touch him; to comfort him, and knowing it was him who made things like that. He wanted a hug - he needed it, he longed to feel truly loved and wanted but didn’t let Henry show him, not trusting him he wouldn’t fake same as Kyuhyun did. He hated that everything in his life was about Kyuhyun. He wanted things to be about Henry now. He wanted to trust him and fall in love with him.

‭“Henry..,” he whispered, leaning in and capturing the startled boy’s lips in a short unsure kiss, his arms encircling around his neck as he put all the frustration and fear in the first intimate thing in their odd one-sided relationship.



He stood in front of the washbasin in his house‭’‬s bathroom,‭ ‬eyeing himself in the mirror with disgust.‭ ‬It‭’‬d been more than four months since the break-up,‭ ‬nearly five since the day he‭’‬d almost slept with Kyuhyun,‭ ‬but he still couldn‭’‬t get rid of the feeling that crawled upon him every time he saw his body.‭ ‬He knew Kyuhyun hadn‭’‬t really him,‭ ‬but throwing him away after they got to that point felt the same.‭ ‬Sungmin had decided to give him his body,‭ ‬he‭’‬d been willing to give himself to him but when he backed away,‭ ‬afraid and not ready to go that far,‭ ‬Kyuhyun‭’‬d dumped him.‭ ‬Had it really been all just about ‭?

Sungmin groaned in frustration,‭ ‬scratching his skin hard but it didn‭’‬t help to feel less dirty at all.‭ ‬It was in him,‭ ‬inside his blood‭; ‬it couldn‭’‬t be just washed away.‭ ‬He was forever stained by Kyuhyun‭’‬s touches and the feelings it had given him.‭ ‬He felt ashamed with the memory of his quiet moans when Kyuhyun‭’‬d found a sensitive spot.‭ ‬He hated the pleasure it had given him.‭ ‬He hated intimateness and everything about or love making or whatever you call it.‭ ‬It was all the same‭ ‬-‭ ‬just about body,‭ ‬the feelings didn‭’‬t matter.‭ ‬For him,‭ ‬it had become something that only ruined relationships‭; ‬something he feared and hated the most.



Sungmin flinched when Henry‭’‬s hands gently grasped his hips and pulled him closer as he slowly stole another,‭ ‬deeper kiss the moment they parted.‭ ‬His body stiffened at the touch,‭ ‬the dirty feeling awakening inside him,‭ ‬making him shake slightly.‭ ‬Henry‭’‬s arms shifted on his body as the boy hugged him more tightly,‭ ‬his fingertips lightly brushing against the hem of his jeans and Sungmin‭’‬s eyes widened.‭ ‬“Don‭’‬t,” he cried out,‭ ‬pushing with all his strength on the younger boy‭’‬s chest,‭ ‬making him stumble backwards.‭ ‬“Sungmin,‭”‬ Henry breathed only now really registering what just happened.‭ ‬He‭’‬d been so shocked when Sungmin suddenly kissed him that he‭’‬d lost himself in the so desired feeling and for a moment forgot he shouldn‭’‬t let it happen even if Sungmin was the one initiating it.‭ ‬He felt like‭ ‬he betrayed him.‭ ‬He should have taken care of him and slowly gain his trust,‭ ‬not let himself get drown in his own wants.‭ ‬He mentally punched himself for making the man scared of him.‭ ‬“I‭’‬m sorry.‭ ‬I‭’‬m so sorry,‭ ‬Min,‭ ‬I wo-”

“Can you hug me‭?‬”

He looked up in disbelief.‭ ‬“What‭?‬”

“Can you please hug me‭?‬” Sungmin willed his body to stop tremble as he slowly stepped into the nodding boy‭’‬s opened arms.‭ ‬He was hurting him by his dwelling in the past,‭ ‬he knew it,‭ ‬and he didn‭’‬t want to.‭ ‬Henry didn‭’‬t deserve it.‭ ‬He wanted to move on,‭ ‬to give the kid a chance.‭ ‬Kyuhyun couldn‭’‬t hold him back forever,‭ ‬he wouldn‭’‬t give him the pleasure.

The hug felt different than the ones Sungmin‭’‬d shared with the evil bastard.‭ ‬It was less demanding and maybe a bit less secure,‭ ‬but much more careful and caring and Sungmin loved it that way.‭ ‬“I‭’‬m sorry,‭”‬ he mumbled and as he was pulled to the boy‭’‬s chest again,‭ ‬hands gently rubbing his back to comfort him,‭ ‬he once more understood why this kid attracted him so much.





‭**





Donghae‭ ‬didn‭’‬t know if it was a good idea to meet with Ryeowook,‭ ‬the memories still fresh in his mind even though it had been almost year since they‭’‬d broken up‭; ‬he didn‭’‬t know why he suddenly felt a need to connect with his previous life after more than five months of doing his best to forget it‭; ‬he didn‭’‬t even know why he was still keeping his and Hyukjae‭’‬s phone number‭ ‬-‭ ‬all he knew was that his ex-boyfriend had been a mess for an unhealthy long time and he did care about him enough to throw away his old convictions and try to help him solve whatever problems he had.‭ ‬They had been best friends in the first place after all.

He smiled sadly as he approached the cooking department‭’‬s building.‭ ‬He missed him.‭ ‬No matter how much he‭’‬d wanted to start again and not care‭ ‬about his past,‭ ‬busying himself with reports from kindergarden and English studies,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t help to recall what happened sometimes.‭ ‬He‭’‬d never once regretted his decision to move back to his parents and cut the bonds with Hyukjae.‭ ‬Even though he still‭ ‬hadn‭’‬t forgiven him fully,‭ ‬it‭’‬d helped him a lot to calm down and stop hating him.‭ ‬To be honest,‭ ‬he missed him more than Ryeowook.‭ ‬As stupid as it may sound,‭ ‬deep in his slowly healing heart he‭’‬d loved him all the time.‭ ‬He‭’‬d even wanted to write him but hadn‭’‬t have a courage to,‭ ‬partly hoping Hyukjae got over him in the nearly half a year and found someone else‭ ‬-‭ ‬someone better.

He sat on a bench waiting for Ryeowook to finish his class.‭ ‬He wanted to tell him everything.‭ ‬From the first time he‭’‬d met Hyukjae to how he couldn‭’‬t decide between them to the little love for the red-haired guy that he found out he was having the moment Hyukjae comforted him on Christmas.‭ ‬He wanted him to know why they were like this now,‭ ‬never telling him before‭; ‬he wanted him back as his very good friend‭; ‬he wanted him to move on too and give a chance to the black guy.‭ ‬Donghae figured out somewhere along the way as he was watching Ryeowook being all depressed,‭ ‬that he hadn‭’‬t really been in a relationship with that boy.‭ ‬He felt guilty for accusing him.‭ ‬After all,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t know his ex-lover all that well.

“D-Donghae..‭?‬” the sweet voice he‭’‬d once loved so much sounded through his thoughts and he raised his eyes to the man in front of him.‭ ‬He looked so weak and vulnerable that Donghae‭ ‬wanted to take care of him.‭ ‬He‭’‬d never been really good at it and Ryeowook used to make fun of him when he tried to cook something for him when he was sick,‭ ‬which mostly led to Donghae pouting like a five years old he mentally was,‭ ‬and his small boyfriend‭ ‬smiling at his cuteness as he gently kissed away the latter‭’‬s sulking.‭ ‬Donghae missed the moments like that‭; ‬the ones when he felt truly loved even though he‭’‬d been mocked.‭ ‬“Ryeowook,‭”‬ he greeted back,‭ ‬suddenly not knowing where to start,‭ ‬finding the situation utterly awkward.‭ ‬“How have you been‭?‬”

“Good,‭”‬ he gave him a little smile and Donghae knew it wasn‭’‬t an honest one at least,‭ ‬but nodded nevertheless.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to push him into speaking just yet.

He took in the boy‭’‬s look as he stood up‭; ‬taking the few steps to the man he used to love with all his heart.‭ ‬He became paler,‭ ‬skinnier and much more tired,‭ ‬the happy sparkle in his eyes no longer there.‭ ‬Donghae felt like crying,‭ ‬seeing what he turned into,‭ ‬cursing on himself for not helping him sooner.‭ ‬“I missed you,‭”‬ he mumbled quietly,‭ ‬enveloping him in careful hug.‭ ‬It almost felt like Ryeowook would break in his arms if he touched him more.‭ ‬“I missed you so much.‭”

Ryeowook stood there stunned by Donghae‭’‬s sudden action,‭ ‬not able to move.‭ ‬He probably should have expected his ex-boyfriend being like this,‭ ‬knowing how touchy the boy was,‭ ‬but it still caught him unprepared when he felt the strong arms gently wrapping around him,‭ ‬bringing back the beautiful memories he cherished no matter how much they hurt‭ ‬him.‭ ‬It felt painfully good to be held like that again but there was something telling him he shouldn‭’‬t let it last‭; ‬that this embrace wasn‭’‬t meant for him anymore‭ ‬-‭ ‬the old feeling that made him leave the man he thought he would spend the rest of his life‭ ‬with.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬Donghae now belonged to someone else and so did Ryeowook‭‘‬s heart,‭ ‬but for him there was no hope.‭ ‬He‭’‬d already made his wrong decision,‭ ‬he wouldn‭’‬t make it twice.‭ ‬“Why did you come‭?‬” he whispered as he pulled away,‭ ‬turning around to not have to face him.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want Donghae to see him like this‭ ‬-‭ ‬pitiful,‭ ‬regretful,‭ ‬weak and at the verge of tears in front of him,‭ ‬who partly caused it.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to talk to him,‭ ‬feeling the forcefully forgotten love awakening again‭; ‬he didn‭’‬t want him to be sorry for him.‭ ‬“We are over,‭ ‬remember‭? ‬Why are you here with me and not with that boy you were with at the birthday party‭? ‬You love him,‭ ‬right‭?‬”

“I do,‭”‬ Donghae sighed,‭ ‬sensing the latter didn‭’‬t really want to know the answer‭; ‬but he had to tell him.‭ ‬Lying‭ ‬wouldn‭’‬t help anything.‭ ‬Maybe he hadn‭’‬t noticed back then when they‭’‬d broken up but now he knew.‭ ‬He was sure what he felt.‭ ‬He wasn‭’‬t confused anymore.‭ ‬“But I made him leave.‭”

Ryeowook looked at him in surprise,‭ ‬forgetting for a moment that he didn‭’‬t want to hear any more.‭ ‬“Why‭?”

“He wanted you and me to be back together,‭”‬ he chuckled lightly.‭ ‬Yeah,‭ ‬the idiotic Lee Hyukjae trying to make up for his mistake a bit too late.‭ ‬Donghae couldn‭’‬t even believe how much they‭’‬d gone through together.‭ ‬He smiled at the cute boy in front of him.‭ ‬“Do you want to know the whole story‭?”



In the end they went to the park with Donghae‭’‬s dog.‭ ‬Donghae loved how Ryeowook‭’‬s face brightened when he met their little baby again.‭ ‬He wasn‭’‬t sure if he wanted to tell him now,‭ ‬seeing the happy smile crossing the boy‭’‬s lips after a very long time.‭ ‬“He missed you too,‭”‬ he said instead,‭ ‬giving himself a few more seconds to prepare for making Ryeowook cry as the latter raised his look to him,‭ ‬the smile slowly fading.‭ ‬“Just say it,‭ ‬Hae.‭ ‬You promised me,‭ ‬didn‭’‬t you‭?‬”

Donghae nodded hesitantly,‭ ‬taking a deep breath.‭ ‬“His name is Lee Hyukjae,‭ ‬a year above us at some language university.‭ ‬I met him in the English course.‭ ‬I didn‭’‬t really care about him that time but then he suddenly‭ ‬came and confessed to me and it made me think about him a lot.‭ ‬And that‭’‬s when you found out and left,‭”‬ he glanced at Ryeowook,‭ ‬searching for any signs of hurt in his face but he just chuckled lightly.‭ “‬I knew all the time,‭ ‬you know,‭”‬ he admitted looking back at the boy,‭ ‬the memories coming back much less painfully now that he was going to know why all of that happened.

‭“You did?”

He couldn‭’‬t help a little giggle to leave his lips at Donghae‭’‬s shocked face.‭ “‬You can‭’‬t hide something like that from someone you‭’‬ve been with for four years,‭ ‬Hae.‭ ‬So,‭ ‬what made you not to go to him when I was out of the way‭?‬”

Donghae glared at him.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t like the way the boy was talking about their break-up.‭ ‬“You make it sound like I should be happy,‭”‬ he pouted.‭ ‬“Actually,‭ ‬I hated him for making you leave but then after the Christmas party,‭ ‬he was there for me when I needed help..,‭”‬ he trailed off,‭ ‬stopping at their walk as he turned to Ryeowook with sadness in his eyes.‭ ‬“We both were mess at that time,‭ ‬but why does it seem like you stayed that way alone,‭ ‬Wookie‭? ‬What happened to the other man‭?‬”

Ryeowook flinched at the mention of Jongwoon.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t met him after the birthday party anymore,‭ ‬not knowing how to face him,‭ ‬living with the little comfort he had from the fact that he was at least still going to the same school,‭ ‬but now that he graduated,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t have a chance to do anything even if he was ready.‭ ‬He was just hopeless.‭ ‬“He...‭ ‬I turned him down.‭”

“Why‭?‬”

“Because..,‭”‬ he felt his eyes watering and‭ ‬he hated it.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬he wouldn‭’‬t cry in front of Donghae because of Jongwoon,‭ ‬just wouldn‭’‬t.‭ ‬“Didn‭’‬t you say the whole story‭?”

Donghae breathed heavily.‭ ‬He wanted Ryeowook to be happy but the man was making it impossible for him to help.‭ ‬“It doesn‭’‬t matter now.‭ ‬Why did you turn him down if you love him too‭?”

“I didn‭’‬t..,‭”‬ there it all went again.‭ ‬The questions why had he let him go for Donghae who didn‭’‬t love him anymore‭; ‬why had he isolated himself,‭ ‬deciding he wouldn‭’‬t give him a chance,‭ ‬that he didn‭’‬t deserve him‭; ‬why hadn‭’‬t he found out the feelings before.‭ ‬It hurt so much.‭ ‬He wanted to see him‭; ‬he wanted to have one more minute with him to tell him he liked him too‭; ‬to just let him know.

Donghae watched in worry as the boy‭’‬s expression changed to incredibly pained and suddenly regretted asking.‭ ‬He should have known it wasn‭’‬t good idea to push him when he was already broken.‭ ‬“Wookie,‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry,‭”‬ he reached out for the guy‭’‬s shoulder but he backed away,‭ ‬shaking his head,‭ ‬the tears in his eyes threatening to fall out.‭ ‬Donghae was clueless.‭ ‬He made the boy he had dated for four years cry,‭ ‬yet didn‭’‬t know what to do to stop it.‭ ‬“What about trying to talk to him‭?”

“And you,‭ ‬Hae,‭ ‬will you talk to Hyukjae‭?‬” Ryeowook asked back,‭ ‬wiping his eyes with a little smile.‭ ‬Donghae hadn‭’‬t changed,‭ ‬he was still giving advises he himself didn‭’‬t use‭ ‬-‭ ‬same as Ryeowook himself‭ ‬-‭ ‬and Ryeowook couldn't help but find a comfort in it.‭ ‬He was glad to know the guy was the same little kid he used to take care of,‭ ‬even after all that happened.‭ ‬But Ryeowook wasn‭’‬t like that anymore.‭ ‬He did change and he wasn‭’‬t naive.‭ ‬Yeah,‭ ‬maybe Donghae was right,‭ ‬maybe he should try to talk to Jongwoon but it‭’‬d been more than half a year and honestly,‭ ‬he hoped the man‭’‬s heart wasn‭’‬t broken anymore.‭ ‬He hoped he‭’‬d moved on and forgotten him‭ ‬-‭ ‬as much as only the image made Ryeowook feel heartbroken.‭ ‬How was it even possible he‭’‬d fallen in love with the man after he ruined him‭? ‬How could his heart break so many times without being healed‭? ‬And how could Jongwoon still love someone like him‭? ‬Right,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t.



Donghae lied on his bed in his old room,‭ ‬staring at the screen of his cell phone blankly.‭ ‬He‭’‬d spent the last half an hour trying to calm down his frantic heartbeat and stop being nervous from what he was‭ ‬about to do.‭ ‬The talk with Ryeowook two weeks ago made him think about stuffs and he was determined to make the step now,‭ ‬but was still scared‭ ‬-‭ ‬scared it was too late‭; ‬scared the red-haired man had already forgotten him.‭ ‬His chest clenched.‭ ‬No matter how‭ ‬much he‭’‬d been hurt by him and how he‭’‬d hated him,‭ ‬wanting to erase him from his life‭; ‬no matter how he wanted him not to live in the past,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t like the idea of Hyukjae being in other man‭’‬s arms.‭ ‬Yes,‭ ‬Donghae was possessive and he missed the stupid,‭ ‬crazy,‭ ‬naive,‭ ‬kind-hearted guy like hell.‭ ‬He missed the boy who‭’‬d hugged him so many times when he‭’‬d thought everything was falling on him‭; ‬the boy who‭’‬d destroyed him‭; ‬the boy who‭’‬d stolen his heart with that huge gummy smile of his.

He the bed,‭ ‬now lying on the stomach.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t have guts to call him,‭ ‬but was clueless what to write too.‭ ‬What could you write to the person you practically forced out of your world‭? ‬He needed an advice but there was no-one to ask for it.‭ ‬He still hadn‭’‬t told his family about him,‭ ‬Sena didn‭’‬t know him so well for her to fully understand even though they‭’‬d became friends in the time he‭’‬d been working in the kindergarden,‭ ‬and after Ryeowook politely declined his offer to be friends because he couldn‭’‬t see Donghae like‭ ‬that anymore,‭ ‬he was once again left with his problems alone.‭ ‬At times like this he wanted Hyukjae by his side even more.‭ ‬The guy always knew what to do to cheer him up.

Donghae buried his face into his pillow desperately.‭ ‬“Hyukkie..,” he cried out,‭ ‬the sound muffled by the sheets.‭ ‬How could he bring the man back into his life‭? ‬Would Hyukjae even want to return to him‭? ‬It had been so long,‭ ‬how could he still love him after all the time‭? ‬Donghae wondered how he had been.‭ ‬Maybe he really was happy with‭ ‬someone else now.‭ ‬Maybe he had some handsome tall boyfriend with nice body and money.‭ ‬Maybe they already introduced each other to their parents and were thinking about living together.

Donghae growled ruffling his hair,‭ ‬flustered.‭ ‬The possibility was driving him crazy.‭ ‬He wouldn‭’‬t stand seeing him with someone else,‭ ‬but the chance it was like that was so high even though Hyukjae had told him he loved him.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t help but think how they would have been now if the latter had believed him far back then.‭ ‬Maybe it would have been Donghae being introduced to his parents and thinking about moving in with him.

He grabbed for his phone harshly and typed the message to the man with fierceness he didn‭’‬t even know he had.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t live with it if Hyukjae had forgotten him‭ ‬-‭ ‬not when he‭’‬d made Donghae fall in love with him so madly that he couldn‭’‬t let him go even after all that he‭’‬d gone through because of him.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬he would make him remember.‭ ‬He would make him his,‭ ‬whatever it takes.



Hyukjae blinked few times,‭ ‬reading the sender‭’‬s name again and again.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t believe it.‭ ‬It wasn‭’‬t true,‭ ‬he must be just dreaming.‭ ‬After all the months,‭ ‬after all the nights of hoping to wake up into the day Donghae would contact him,‭ ‬he did it now when Hyukjae managed to get over him and decided to move on‭? ‬He must be kidding.‭ ‬Hyukjae let out a bitter laugher at the irony,‭ ‬yet he felt his heart oddly fluttering with hope as he took a deep breath before pressing the button to open the message he‭’‬d been so eager and afraid to read at the same time for five long minutes.

“Hey,‭ ‬Hyukjae.‭ ‬Do you remember me‭? ‬I don‭’‬t know what you did to deserve it but I still love you even though I‭’‬m pretty sure you won‭’‬t believe me this time too so don‭’‬t you dare to forget me,‭ ‬idiot.‭ ‬-Donghae‭”

His eyes widened in disbelief as he finished reading,‭ ‬his mind not able to get what it meant.‭ ‬He still loved him‭? ‬How‭? ‬Why‭? ‬Hadn‭’‬t he hated him with all his being just half a year ago‭? ‬But it couldn‭’‬t be he was just pulling some stupid prank on him,‭ ‬Donghae wasn‭’‬t like that,‭ ‬so it must really be true.‭ ‬Hyukjae couldn‭’‬t help a happiness to take over him for a single second before reality hit him cruelly.‭ ‬Donghae loved him but he,‭ ‬Lee Hyukjae,‭ ‬didn‭’‬t love him anymore.‭ ‬He‭’‬d abandoned his feelings months ago when he realized Donghae won‭’‬t call him‭; ‬that the guy really hated him and didn‭’‬t want to have anything in common with him.‭ ‬He,‭ ‬Lee Hyukjae,‭ ‬had left his smashed heart behind and didn‭’‬t want it back.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want the guiltiness and pain it was filled with anymore.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want Donghae anymore,‭ ‬still found it ridiculous that he thought he‭’‬d forgotten him.‭ ‬How could he‭? ‬He couldn‭’‬t forget the one whose life had been shattered by him‭; ‬the one whose childish smile used to take his breath away.‭ ‬He would never forget him.





‭**



Kyuhyun watched the cooking department building of his hyung‭’‬s university with unsure expression.‭ ‬He knew Jongwoon wouldn‭’‬t be happy with him mixing into his business with the situation he himself was in but he couldn‭’‬t stand it anymore.‭ ‬Back then,‭ ‬when the alien guy finally let his feelings out in the library,‭ ‬Kyuhyun honestly believed he would get over all this Ryeowook thing once and for all but it has already been seven months and if anything,‭ ‬he became only more closed and distanced.‭ ‬He‭’‬d never showed he was hurting again after that day but Kyuhyun knew‭ ‬-‭ ‬he could see deep in his heart the pain was still the same overhelming as the day he‭’‬d been dumped for a man who‭’‬d already loved someone else too.

He sighed at the memory of how things had been‭; ‬of how he and Sungmin had been before everything crashed down on him and one stupid mistake in the past made him loose his bunny boy.‭ ‬He‭’‬d been seeing him with some other guy lately,‭ ‬and couldn‭’‬t stop a sadness pour over him every time he witnessed the caring,‭ ‬gentle,‭ ‬love-filled look the other gave him,‭ ‬and self-hate punch into his soul when he saw a glint of fear in Sungmin‭’‬s eyes.‭ ‬He knew he‭’‬d ruined him,‭ ‬he‭’‬d made him a mess but what Kyuhyun was living in‭ ‬now wasn‭’‬t any better.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t blame anyone but himself,‭ ‬still,‭ ‬no matter how much he crashed the man,‭ ‬it was the best way to protect him.‭ ‬Kyuhyun could live with the fact Sungmin had someone else,‭ ‬no,‭ ‬he was glad for it.‭ ‬As long as he was out of this‭ ‬‭; ‬as long as he didn‭’‬t have any bonds with Kyuhyun it was okay‭; ‬he was safe.

He pinned his eyes back on the building.‭ ‬What was he doing,‭ ‬solving other‭’‬s problems but being in a ed up situation himself‭? ‬His parents kicked him out,‭ ‬the parents of the only girl he‭’‬d ever cared about hated him and wanted to sue him and if it hadn‭’‬t been for Yoona begging them not to,‭ ‬he was pretty sure he would be in a jail by now‭; ‬he was nearly forced to give up school and start to work for him to pay off all the bills‭ ‬-‭ ‬he‭’‬d been in constant stress,‭ ‬not sure about anything anymore,‭ ‬yet he was now here,‭ ‬looking for the stupid Kim Ryeowook to help his hyung who was‭ ‬just ing heartbroken.‭ ‬But then again,‭ ‬heartbroken Jongwoon wasn‭’‬t anything one would want to experience.‭ ‬The guy was incredibly depressed all the time,‭ ‬shutting himself in his flat near the office he started to work in after graduation,‭ ‬not letting even Kyuhyun in and he hated it.‭ ‬He hated how his best friend turned from the funny,‭ ‬out-of-this-world guy into asocial quiet weirdo,‭ ‬isolating himself from everything and everyone,‭ ‬living in his little despair-filled dimension for the man who‭’‬d broken his fragile heart twice.

“Kyuhyun-ssi‭?‬” he looked down,‭ ‬facing the startled boy with frown.‭ ‬Here he was,‭ ‬the culprit who‭’‬d made Jongwoon loose the little bit of confidence he‭’‬d ever had when he‭’‬d chosen his ex-boyfriend against him.‭ ‬He saw confusion on his tired,‭ ‬pale face as he continued.‭ ‬“Why are you here‭? ‬I thought that Jo-‭”

Kyuhyun mentally smirked in victory when Ryeowook stopped with defeated expression.‭ ‬He was confident to bring the man back to Jongwoon if he couldn‭’‬t forget him,‭ ‬and seeing he wasn‭’‬t all so well himself made the thing way easier.‭ ‬There was the same hint of pain in his eyes as Jongwoon had when‭ ‬he had dared to bring the topic once.



“Are you thinking about him again‭?‬” Kyuhyun asked quietly,‭ ‬placing a cup of vending-machine coffee in front of the black haired man,‭ ‬who was busy drawing useless lines into his sketchbook absentmindedly.‭ ‬He sighed lightly as he leaned on the edge of the table the other was sitting by when he didn‭’‬t get a reply.‭ ‬“Jongwoon,‭ ‬are you thinking about Ryeowook again‭?‬”

Jongwoon flinched slightly at the name,‭ ‬raising his black-framed eyes partly covered with a bit too long hair to the younger.‭ ‬He‭’‬d found it quite useful to have hair falling into his face lately‭ ‬-‭ ‬it was easier to hide his feelings from people that way.‭ ‬“It‭’‬s sad you‭’‬ve became this caring after killing the boy from inside.‭ ‬If you had been like this right from the start,‭ ‬you wouldn‭’‬t have to deal with this mess now.‭ ‬Have you at least told him already‭?‬”

Kyuhyun remembered way too well the moment his hyung yelled at him for a good half an hour for not telling him truth about why he‭’‬d left Sungmin and next two for doing it the way he did,‭ ‬not explaining but throwing him away like the‭ ‬‘ing selfish,‭ ‬arrogant,‭ ‬heartless bastard‭’‬ he was.‭ ‬Kyuhyun could swear he‭’‬d never heard Jongwoon cursing so much before in his life but never tried to defend himself.‭ ‬His hyung was right,‭ ‬he could have just told him,‭ ‬but he knew Sungmin,‭ ‬he would have said it‭’‬s okay,‭ ‬he‭’‬s there for him,‭ ‬he‭’‬ll help him overcome it‭; ‬no,‭ ‬this wasn‭’‬t what Kyuhyun was aiming for.‭ ‬He had to keep him from it,‭ ‬he needed him out of the way and if hurting him was the only way,‭ ‬he hadn‭’‬t had other choice.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t let him get mixed in it‭ ‬-‭ ‬it would have made things only worse.

“When are you going to tell him‭? ‬When there will be no way to hide it anymore‭?‬” Jongwoon asked again,‭ ‬the annoyance from the day he‭’‬d found out coming back as Kyuhyun didn‭’‬t say anything.

“I don‭’‬t know,‭ ‬maybe,‭”‬ he sighed,‭ ‬playing with the cup of coffee,‭ ‬slowly cooling down on the table untouched.‭ ‬He was scared to face Sungmin.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want to see what he caused‭ ‬-‭ ‬the fear,‭ ‬the coldness in his heart,‭ ‬the pain.‭ ‬“Does he really have to know‭?‬”

“He deserves it.‭ ‬You owe him an explanation.‭”

Kyuhyun looked up at the flat tone Jongwoon spoke in.‭ ‬Was Sungmin the same now‭? ‬Did he feel the same abused,‭ ‬destroyed,‭ ‬betrayed‭; ‬was he closing himself the same as Jongwoon did‭? ‬Kyuhyun felt the guiltiness grow in him.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t wanted it to be like this.‭ ‬He did love the pink guy.‭ ‬“Jongwoon-ah..,‭”

“Hm‭?‬”

“Was it really so bad‭? ‬The way you felt after Ryeowook left you‭?‬”

He froze at the question.‭ ‬There was no way in the world he would tell someone.‭ ‬He just couldn‭’‬t say it loud,‭ ‬making it all so real again.‭ ‬There was no way anyone could understand even if there were words to describe the utterly useless,‭ ‬murdered feeling when the little love he had‭ ‬secretly held in his heart died with the cried words.‭ ‬There was no way to tell how much he prayed for him to wake up from this all‭; ‬to tell how difficult it had been for him to take Ryeowook home from the restaurant just because he cared enough not to leave him there alone.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t say it.‭ ‬“I-I...”

“Do you still want him‭?‬”

A shadow of deep pain crossed his features before he darted his eyes back to the drawing.‭ ‬“I told you we don‭’‬t have a future.‭ ‬I‭’‬ll get over it sooner or later.‭”

“Hyung-‭”

Jongwoon‭ ‬smiled sadly at his dongsaeng.‭ ‬He was glad the younger finally took a responsibility for what had happened and wanted to help him but in his situation,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t ask for it.‭ ‬He had a lot of his own problems already.‭ ‬“Just let it be,‭ ‬Kyu.‭ ‬Just this once stop trying so hard and be the selfish brat you always were.‭”



“I wanted to talk with you about him.‭”

Ryeowook nodded slowly,‭ ‬looking down on his hands.‭ ‬He quite expected it when he saw the boy he‭’‬d been introduced to once at his unfortunate birthday party,‭ ‬standing in front of his department‭’‬s building.‭ ‬Jongwoon wasn‭’‬t going to the school anymore so there was no reason for Kyuhyun to be here.‭ ‬“How is he‭?” ‬he whispered,‭ ‬his heart clenching at the last memory of him he had‭ ‬-‭ ‬the broken expression as he‭’‬d driven him back home from the restaurant.‭ ‬Ryeowook hated himself for being the one who caused it.

‭“Well, like someone who got dumped by the man he’d loved for almost two years,” Kyuhyun smirked bitterly. He felt bad for talking like this when he’d done the same but he had to use everything he could to make him accept Jongwoon’s feelings. He couldn’t be without Ryeowook and Kyuhyun couldn’t stand him being like that. There was no other way to bring the old Jongwoon back.

‭“T-two?”

His eyebrows raised at the latter‭’‬s stuttering.‭ ‬“He didn‭’‬t tell you‭? ‬The reason why he approached you.‭ ‬He‭’‬d been in love with you far before you even knew he exists,‭”‬ he sighed,‭ ‬tired of acting all badass when his heart ached so much seeing a little weaker copy of what had happened between him and Sungmin.‭ ‬No matter how serious his reasons were,‭ ‬he still couldn‭’‬t stop hating himself for it.‭ ‬It was his fault,‭ ‬his carelessness but the one hurting from it the most was the man he‭’‬d wanted to be happy‭ ‬-‭ ‬the one he‭’‬d wanted to make smile but instead wiped it from his lips forever.‭ ‬“He needs you,‭ ‬Ryeowook-ssi.‭ ‬He‭’‬s been a mess since that day.‭ ‬Just...‭ ‬please,‭ ‬try to give him a chance.‭”

Ryewook watched the man in front of him as the emotions ran across his face as he spoke.‭ ‬He‭’‬d changed.‭ ‬The boy who he was talking with now was much older in his mind,‭ ‬much weaker in his self-confidence and much less aggressive in his speaking.‭ ‬He wondered what had happened to him to become like this.‭ ‬He hadn‭’‬t known him well in the past,‭ ‬meeting him just for a moment once,‭ ‬but he didn‭’‬t like the way he was now at all‭ ‬-‭ ‬it didn‭’‬t fit him,‭ ‬he wasn‭’‬t a person like that.‭ ‬“I get he‭’‬s your friend and you care about him a lot,” he whispered,‭ ‬smiling at the younger sympathetically,‭ ‬“but why don‭’‬t you take care of yourself first‭? ‬You don‭’‬t look good too.”

Kyuhyun hated how gentle and understanding his voice sounded.‭ ‬It was like he could see right through him so easily,‭ ‬feeling he‭’‬d been ruined himself,‭ ‬but still appreciated what he was doing and was grateful.‭ ‬He hated how readable he‭’‬d become,‭ ‬that one look was enough for anyone to know that something was wrong.‭ ‬“I can‭’‬t do anything about my situation,‭ ‬but you can still do something about Jongwoon.‭ ‬Please,‭ ‬Ryeowook-ssi.”

He shook his head slowly,‭ ‬“I can‭’‬t.‭ ‬He can‭’‬t.‭ ‬He can‭’‬t still want me after how much I‭’‬ve hurt him,‭”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬his pain-filled voice barely audible to Kyuhyun.‭ ‬He blinked a few times as it sunk in and he couldn‭’‬t help a smirk to creep on his lips again.‭ ‬“You love him‭?‬” he knew.‭ ‬Whatever would Ryeowook say,‭ ‬he‭ ‬could see.‭ ‬The boy did love his hyung and he wouldn‭’‬t let him go with that.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t let him answer as he reached his hand,‭ ‬grabbing the latter‭’‬s wrist before he placed a piece of paper on his palm.‭ ‬“Try to give him a call if you ever feel like that,‭”‬ he‭ ‬winked with a reassuring smile,‭ ‬waving the boy goodbye as he made to go off.‭ ‬He will call,‭ ‬he was sure of it.‭ ‬Now all he had to do was to wait.





‭**





“Mom,‭ ‬please,‭ ‬you can‭’‬t do it‭!”‬ she begged helplessly,‭ ‬tears in her eyes as the older woman signed the papers with hard,‭ ‬cold expression.‭ ‬“The chi-‭”

“Don‭’‬t you dare to say one more word,‭ ‬Im Yoona‭!”‬ she shouted,‭ ‬slamming the pen on the table,‭ ‬looking up at the crying girl angrily.‭ ‬“You are only‭ ‬16,‭ ‬you have all your life before you but you go and ruin it by getting yourself by that filthy guy‭! ‬Don‭’‬t you think you have already done enough‭?! ‬Don‭’‬t tell me what to do when I‭’‬m cleaning up the mess for you‭!‬”

“Kyuhyun-oppa isn‭’‬t filthy,‭ ‬he didn‭’‬t me‭! ‬I wanted it too‭!‬” Yoona screamed back at her mom in despair.‭ ‬She hated it when her mom accused Kyuhyun of what had happened,‭ ‬calling him and criminal and even worse when she didn‭’‬t know anything.‭ ‬She didn‭’‬t have a right to do it.‭ ‬She couldn‭’‬t take Kyuhyun from her‭; ‬she couldn‭’‬t take her child‭ ‬-‭ ‬their child.

The woman pinched the bridge of her nose with a deep sigh.‭ ‬“I don‭’‬t want you to call him like that or meet with him again,‭”‬ she said with finality in her voice.‭ ‬“You just started high school,‭ ‬how could‭ ‬you get yourself in this situation‭? ‬How do you want to go to school like that‭? ‬How do you want to rise that child when you won‭’‬t find any job without a good university‭? ‬You are too young to be a mother.‭ ‬This is the best way.‭”

“Mom...‭”

“No,‭ ‬Yoona,‭ ‬we‭’‬re finished.‭”



Kyuhyun watched the girl with sadness and worry.‭ ‬The closer the day every other woman would look forward to was coming,‭ ‬the more depressed she was.‭ ‬“Yoong‭?”‬ he whispered,‭ ‬taking her hand and squeezing it gently as he saw her eyes watering for hundredth time in last days.

‭“I can’t, Kyu,” she replied with the same quiet voice, staring blankly at the covers of her hospital bed, the unoccupied hand on her stomach. She could feel the child inside kicking, making her even more heartbroken. “I can’t abandon it. It’s our baby, I don’t care how difficult it will be, I can’t give the only thing that bonds me with you to someone else. I just can’t, Kyu.”

Kyuhyun felt like crying himself,‭ ‬hearing Yoona‭’‬s words.‭ ‬It was all his fault.‭ ‬If he hadn‭’‬t been careless,‭ ‬selfish idiot,‭ ‬wanting to solve his problems by bringing her into his bed‭; ‬if he had thought about her just a little bit more before sleeping with her just because,‭ ‬nothing would have happened.‭ ‬She wouldn‭’‬t have had to drop out from school to give birth to the kid without people knowing when it was already too late to go to abortion‭; ‬she wouldn‭’‬t have been here now,‭ ‬waiting for the day when she will have to give it for adoption‭; ‬everything would have been normal.‭ ‬“I‭’‬m sorry.‭ ‬For everything.‭”

“Don‭’‬t be,‭ ‬it‭’‬s been hard for you too,‭”‬ she smiled weakly,‭ ‬bringing her red,‭ ‬puffy eyes to him.‭ ‬“We both made a mistake,‭ ‬we went through it together.‭ ‬And in the end it was you who suffered more.‭”

“Yoong-‭”

“I‭’‬m happy,‭ ‬Kyu,‭”‬ she interrupted,‭ ‬wiping the tears from her cheeks with a little sob and Kyuhyun knew it was a lie but didn‭’‬t say anything.‭ ‬“I really am.‭ ‬Because it was you.‭ ‬I know you won‭’‬t believe me but I still love you.‭ ‬I have loved you all‭ ‬the time,‭ ‬so it‭’‬s okay.‭ ‬As long as it‭’‬s with you,‭ ‬I don‭’‬t regret it.‭ ‬I just wish I could see our child grow up.‭ ‬It would become a beautiful,‭ ‬strong,‭ ‬good person like you.‭ ‬Maybe it would have your eyes or your smile...‭”

Kyuhyun couldn‭’‬t listen to it anymore.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t stand the gentle,‭ ‬loving tone Yoona spoke in,‭ ‬small smile on her lips as she talked about what could have been,‭ ‬making Kyuhyun‭’‬s heart ache.‭ ‬He wasn‭’‬t a good person.‭ ‬He‭’‬d been an to her,‭ ‬hurting her with his cold,‭ ‬uninterested attitude,‭ ‬showing her away in the end,‭ ‬and then when he promised himself to make up for his past,‭ ‬here he was,‭ ‬getting her pregnant when he didn‭’‬t even love her.‭ ‬What kind of good person would do something like that‭? ‬How could she still be so good to him after that all,‭ ‬thinking about him first before her own feelings‭? ‬How could she still beg her parents to let him be when they wanted to get him kicked out of school‭? ‬How could she still go look for him even though her parents forbid her to meet with him,‭ ‬just to check on him if he was okay and cheer him up when her herself was broken‭? ‬No,‭ ‬Yoona was good,‭ ‬not him.‭ ‬He didn‭‘‬t deserve being treated like this from her.‭ ‬“Yoong,‭”‬ he cried,‭ ‬not able to hold the tears back anymore.‭ ‬It hurt so much to know she loved him like that and he couldn‭’‬t return her feelings.‭ ‬“I-I...‭ ‬S-Sungmin...‭”

“I know,‭ ‬Kyu,‭”‬ she pulled him into hug,‭ ‬caressing his back to comfort him.‭ ‬“I‭’‬m sorry it ended like this.‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry you had to leave him.‭ ‬I want you to be happy,‭ ‬I want you to have someone you love.‭ ‬It doesn‭’‬t have to be me,‭ ‬just promise me you will be happy,‭ ‬Kyu,‭”‬ she said,‭ ‬her chest clenching as she let go of him and the only thing they had in common in her heart.‭ ‬She had known‭; ‬right from the day she had been with him after he called nine months ago,‭ ‬she had known the special place in Kyuhyun‭’‬s life she once used to have now belonged to someone else.‭ ‬She could have just turned him down,‭ ‬still she selfishly decided to do it for him to be her just for a little longer,‭ ‬causing him pain in the end.‭ ‬She felt guilty.‭ ‬She didn‭’‬t want this.‭ ‬She never wanted to put him through this.

Yoona bit her bottom lip to suppress a whimper,‭ ‬creating in ,‭ ‬when Kyuhyun nodded into her shoulder.‭ ‬She wasn‭’‬t sure if what she was about to do was right or if she‭ ‬wouldn‭’‬t regret it later but it was the only thing she could do for him right now.‭ ‬“Go,‭ ‬Kyu,‭ ‬find the boy,‭ ‬make up with him and keep your promise.‭ ‬Forget about me and the child.‭ ‬Your life isn‭’‬t with us,‭”‬ she pushed him away but he refused to move,‭ ‬shaking‭ ‬his head furiously.‭ ‬“I can‭’‬t leave you after what I caused,‭ ‬Yoong.‭”

“I told you it‭’‬s not your fault,‭”‬ she chuckled quietly,‭ ‬finding the persistent Kyuhyun cute and cruel at the same time.‭ ‬She wanted him to be free,‭ ‬to start again,‭ ‬yet he wouldn‭’‬t go,‭ ‬making her heart flutter painfully at the care the boy she loved with all her being gave her‭; ‬she wanted to yell at him to the hell go,‭ ‬yet she felt grateful for him staying.‭ ‬“Thank you,‭”‬ she mumbled as she embraced the boy again,‭ ‬putting in all the defeat,‭ ‬hurt and love she had felt since this whole thing started.‭ ‬“For everything.‭”





**





Hyukjae cursed on himself quietly as he stood in front of a‭ ‬caffé,‭ ‬eyeing the building with a frown.‭ ‬He had no idea what had got into him that he decided to meet with Donghae,‭ ‬his heart beating too quickly and loudly for his liking.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t know what he wanted to gain by it when his feelings for the guy died away long time ago,‭ ‬but before he could think about it twice,‭ ‬he found himself on the way to meet the man he‭’‬d believed he won‭’‬t see ever again,‭ ‬the last message he got from him opened in his phone.

“Would you mind coming to the‭ ‬caffé near the English course class tomorrow noon‭? ‬I‭’‬ll wait for you.‭ ‬-Donghae‭”

He checked the time.‭ ‬He was terribly late but he couldn‭’‬t quite do anything about it,‭ ‬having a literature class before.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t help but wonder if Donghae was still there as he bit his lip nervously,‭ ‬stepping through the door.‭ ‬He still didn‭’‬t get it.‭ ‬What had happened to Donghae that he changed so much‭? ‬Why would he want him back so suddenly‭? ‬He hated that he was going to hurt him again when he turns him down.‭ ‬As much as he didn‭’‬t love him anymore,‭ ‬he still did care.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want him to be heartbroken again‭; ‬to be the cause of his sadness again‭; ‬to see his tears again.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t afford all the guilt back‭; ‬he couldn‭’‬t stand hurting Donghae with whatever he did.‭ ‬So why did he come‭? ‬Why was there a longing feeling in the deep of his heart‭? ‬Why couldn‭’‬t he stop an excitement take over him when he saw the man‭ ‬smiling widely at some papers,‭ ‬sitting at the table they had used to sit at together after English course,‭ ‬doing their homework before Hyukjae had screwed everything up with his stupid confession‭? ‬This was wrong.‭ ‬He shouldn‭’‬t be here,‭ ‬feeling all these things.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t want him anymore‭; ‬he didn‭’‬t love him.

Hyukjae turned around,‭ ‬ready to leave but stopped in the middle of a step.‭ ‬No matter how bad he felt about it,‭ ‬did he really want to let him go again when he could finally have him‭? ‬He got a chance to make up for the things he‭’‬d done to him‭ ‬-‭ ‬even if it should be only as a friend‭ ‬-‭ ‬he hadn‭’‬t even dreamed about getting,‭ ‬but would let it slip right through his fingers just because he was a coward‭? ‬No,‭ ‬it already got him where he was now,‭ ‬he couldn‭’‬t let it happen again.

He took a deep breath,‭ ‬glancing at Donghae once more before he approached him unsurely.‭ ‬“Hi...‭ ‬Hae,‭”‬ he mumbled as he sat across the latter,‭ ‬taking in his face he‭’‬d almost forgotten.‭ ‬He still had the shoulder-length dark‭ ‬brown hair,‭ ‬the big sad eyes,‭ ‬the manly features,‭ ‬but there was something different about him‭ ‬-‭ ‬something Hyukjae hadn‭’‬t felt since a very long time ago.‭ ‬The happy,‭ ‬childish aura and huge honest smile were so foreign to him that he backed away in his chair a bit when Donghae finally looked up at him with warm,‭ ‬friendly expression.‭ ‬“Hi,‭ ‬Hyuk.‭”

“Hae,‭ ‬why-‭”

“Look,‭ ‬the children in kidergarden drew this for you when I told them I was going to meet a person I love,‭”‬ Donghae interrupted,‭ ‬turning his attention back to the papers.‭ ‬“But they drew you as a girl.‭ ‬I‭’‬m sorry,‭ ‬I couldn‭’‬t tell them you are a man.‭ ‬But you would be beautiful as a girl too,‭ ‬so it‭’‬s okay,‭”‬ he smiled lightly as his voice went into a whisper.‭ ‬Hyukjae felt a blush spreading on his cheeks when Donghae complimented him quietly.‭ ‬It would have been like a dream to hear it from him if it had been half a year ago but now it only confused him more.‭ ‬“Hae,‭ ‬what are you talking about‭?”

Donghae sighed,‭ ‬bringing his eyes back to the red-haired man,‭ ‬defeat crossing his face.‭ ‬“Why did you come‭?‬”

“Y-You asked me to,‭”‬ he stuttered,‭ ‬not able to understand what the latter meant.‭ ‬What was with him‭? ‬Did he do something wrong‭? ‬“What‭’‬s going on,‭ ‬Hae‭?‬”

“I saw you.‭ ‬You didn‭’‬t want to come.‭ ‬You were just there in the door and still wasn‭’‬t sure if to come or not.‭ ‬What made you stop when you were leaving‭? ‬Why did you come,‭ ‬Hyukjae‭?”‬ there was sadness in his eyes and Hyukjae felt his heart clenching painfully at the sight,‭ ‬guilt hitting him again in its full force.‭ ‬He didn‭’‬t change after all.‭ ‬He was still broken and it was still Hyukjae‭’‬s fault.‭ ‬It never stopped to be,‭ ‬no matter how he tried to forget it‭; ‬he will never stop being the one who ruined Donghae‭’‬s life.‭ ‬“I‭’‬m sorry.‭”

“For what‭?‬”

“I don‭’‬t love you anymore..,” he whispered,‭ ‬darting his eyes on the table.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t look at him,‭ ‬it would break him to see him cry.‭ ‬He mentally prepared for the sobs he knew will come but Donghae just chuckled lightly,‭ ‬making Hyukjae look up with widened eyes.‭ ‬He remembered the sound way too‭ ‬well not to fear hearing it come out of Donghae‭’‬s mouth.‭ ‬It was the same chuckle he‭’‬d made so many times before he‭’‬d broken down from a memory of Ryeowook.‭ ‬Hyukjae would do anything to erase the sound from the world.‭ ‬“H-Hae‭?‬”

“I know,” he said,‭ ‬a little smile tugging on his lips.‭ ‬“I know,‭ ‬Hyukjae,‭ ‬but I don‭’‬t care.”

“What‭?‬”

“I don‭’‬t care if you don‭’‬t love me.‭ ‬I will make you the same you have made me.‭ ‬You chased my boyfriend away,‭ ‬you made me fall for you and then threw me away and look at me,‭ ‬I‭’‬m still here,‭ ‬telling children about how much I‭’‬m in love with you,‭”‬ there it came‭; ‬the sobs and tears that torn Hyukjae‭’‬s heart into pieces as he opened and closed his mouth few times,‭ ‬trying to find anything to say,‭ ‬but nothing came to mind.‭ ‬How could it be‭? ‬How could this man still love him‭? ‬He didn‭’‬t deserve him‭; ‬Donghae was too good for him,‭ ‬so why‭? ‬Why did he still make him blush and his heartbeat quicken even though he‭’‬d decided to move on‭? ‬Why did he still let him ruin him‭? ‬Why couldn‭’‬t he just forget him and‭ ‬find someone better‭?

“It‭’‬s not fair,‭ ‬Hyukkie.‭ ‬It‭’‬s not fair for you to stop loving me after what you did.‭ ‬I will make you come back to me.‭”

“Hae,‭ ‬I-‭”

“I DON‭’‬T CARE‭!‬” Donghae screamed,‭ ‬wiping the tears from his cheeks harshly.‭ ‬“I tried‭! ‬I tried to forget you for damn half a year but in the end I still couldn‭’‬t‭! ‬I don‭’‬t want to but I do love you so just once shut up and take it as it is,‭”‬ he slowly stood up,‭ ‬reaching his hand and caressed Hyukjae‭’‬s cheek lightly.‭ ‬“Why did you dye your hair‭? ‬I liked the blonde better..,‭”‬ he said quietly before leaving the‭ ‬caffé and startled,‭ ‬confused Hyukjae.‭ ‬He cursed on himself for crying in front of him again.‭ ‬He‭’‬d promised himself not to be weak no matter what happen but just couldn‭’‬t help it.‭ ‬He‭’‬d been there‭ ‬-‭ ‬the man he hated and loved at the same time had been there right before him,‭ ‬the same handsome and perfect as he remembered him with his a bit too slim body,‭ ‬red hair messed up in the oh so attractive way,‭ ‬dark deep eyes and small full lips he still‭ ‬knew how tasted when he kissed them‭; ‬he‭’‬d been there but felt so far away,‭ ‬cold,‭ ‬untouchable‭ ‬-‭ ‬like a stranger with Hyukjae‭’‬s face.‭ ‬He had to try hard to stop the whimpers creating in his throat when he saw him doubt if he should really come‭; ‬when he heard him say the words he‭’‬d been sure he will hear but they still hurt.‭ ‬It hurt so much that Hyukjae really threw him and all they had away.‭ ‬Why‭? ‬Just why was he still so stupidly in love with him‭?



Hyukjae stared numbly at the spot where Donghae had been only a moment ago,‭ ‬mind going crazy,‭ ‬heart racing from the touch of Donghae‭’‬s gentle fingers on his face.‭ ‬It‭’‬d been like ages someone touched him in this way and he felt all the feelings from half a year ago pouring back on him as he took a sip of his juice he didn‭’‬t even know when appeared there.‭ ‬The emotions he tried to push back so desperately when he‭’‬d given up on Donghae‭ ‬-‭ ‬the guilt,‭ ‬hopelessness,‭ ‬love,‭ ‬jealousy when he watched Sungmin being happy with Kyuhyun‭ ‬-‭ ‬it was all back and he suddenly felt terribly heartbroken.‭ ‬What had Donghae done to him with that one short touch‭? ‬Was his determination to move on really so fragile that it had shattered so easily‭? ‬He chuckled at his misery.‭ ‬Donghae was going to make him fall for him again‭? ‬He won‭’‬t let him.‭ ‬Hyukjae couldn‭’‬t let him make his life a mess again because of him‭; ‬he couldn‭’‬t take all the memories seeing him brought back.‭ ‬No way in the world would he fall for him again,‭ ‬yet he couldn‭’‬t stop his heart to flutter in excitement at the thought.

He shook his head violently to get his mind straight.‭ ‬What was he supposed to do now‭? ‬Donghae would want to meet again and he couldn‭’‬t just ignore him anymore,‭ ‬knowing how persistent the fish was when he settled his mind on something.‭ ‬He looked around,‭ ‬searching for anything that would give him an answer,‭ ‬sighing deeply when his eyes landed on the pictures Donghae had brought with him.‭ ‬This was the man he knew‭ ‬-‭ ‬ever so forgetful.‭ ‬Hyukjae felt a strange relief to fill him,‭ ‬knowing there was something that hadn‭’‬t changed‭ ‬about him from the days they‭’‬d been merely friends back in the English course.

He took the papers,‭ ‬stuffing them in his school bag ready to leave too,‭ ‬when one of the pictures grabbed his attention and he couldn‭’‬t help himself as he sat back down,‭ ‬looking‭ ‬at it with a little smile on his lips,‭ ‬while his eyes burned with unshed tears.‭ ‬Now he could understand why Donghae so enjoyed being with kids,‭ ‬the cute pureness of the pictures of too big-headed stick-men holding hands under a smiling sun with flowers nearly to the high of waist,‭ ‬filling him with naive,‭ ‬painful happiness.‭ ‬Donghae was right‭ ‬-‭ ‬there was a brown-haired man and blonde woman and Hyukjae so wished it could really be them,‭ ‬but it was too late now.‭ ‬He couldn‭’‬t take back what he‭’‬d done and couldn‭’‬t let it happen again.‭ ‬No,‭ ‬they couldn‭’‬t be together,‭ ‬it would only hurt both of them more.‭ ‬The them in love with each other was only for a pictures like this and it was all Hyukjae‭’‬s fault.

Why did you dye your hair‭? ‬I liked the blonde better...

This was the reason.‭ ‬He‭’‬d wanted something to change,‭ ‬to punish himself for hurting the man he loved,‭ ‬knowing pretty well that Donghae loved playing with his slightly long hair.‭ ‬It was for him to remind himself of the pain and guilt he should never forget but almost did.‭ ‬He chuckled deeply again,‭ ‬taking his bag,‭ ‬leaving the picture on the table as he slowly walked out the door of the‭ ‬caffé.‭ ‬He still deserved them‭ ‬-‭ ‬the bloody-red hair symbolizing everything bad he‭’‬d ever done to Donghae.‭ ‬He would never change them until he‭’‬ll be able to forgive himself‭; ‬until Donghae truly forgives him too.
 

***

A/N: So, because the half-parters won 5 to 3, here is the first part. I'M SORRY IF IT'S AWKWARD AND AND EVERYTHING, I REALLY AM TTATT but I tried. and I can promise you the second half is even more boring and awkward and and everything. and you'll hate me even more for the pairings than you hate me now and I'll just go and die somewhere without writing the LayHan I'm planning after this crap ends...

anyway, I hope you enjoyed.. >.> and thanks to the 8 awesome readers who voted in the poll, I love you guys!!

A/N2: yeah, I know, it's long like and still so boring. I'm sorry, okay TT TT

A/N3: happy b-day Wookie-oppa