#08: i wish things wouldn't change.

It is always easy to think and plan, but it is never easy to do. Jongin tries and tries, but he can’t possibly unlove Sehee. He knows how unhealthy it is for him, to suppress all his feelings in her presence. Because she has a boyfriend now, things have become so much more difficult than they already were.

Time heals all wounds, people say, but Jongin can’t imagine this wound to be healed ever. His heart is broken, and it doesn’t matter how much time he would get to let the shards grow back together, it won’t happen, as long as he stays close to her. Why not go away then, people would probably ask him, if he talked to people (and he might talk to Baekhee, because she knows; she is not as oblivious as Sehee is). Jongin’s answer will remain the same. He cannot live without Sehee. She is the constant in his perfectly unplanned life. Wherever she goes, he will go, too. He doesn’t know anything else he would want in his life apart from her. Jongin doesn’t function on his own. He doesn’t want to.

And yet, Jongin has to force himself to somehow get up every morning to go to school. He can’t possibly get sick and make Sehee worry. He knows that Sehee will always worry over him, too, just as much as he worries and cares for her. Even if she was married to someone else one day, she would still think about Jongin and wonder if he was doing okay; she would still come running to him if she knew he wasn’t feeling well. And Jongin would do the same.





It is two weeks after Valentine’s Day. Sehee’s sweet words keep ringing in Jongin’s head, and since then he has imagined her words to mean something deeper and not the platonic, sisterly kind of love she feels. Jongin has started to daydream more, and thus the moment he is brought back to reality it hurts him the more, reminding him that the upcoming weekend, too, Sehee won’t be there to play video games with him, to watch movies with him, or do homework together even. It is a sad outlook on life he gets every time he snaps out of his dreams.





Sehee is just as happy and chirpy as ever, talking about her dates with Minseok as if there is nothing else to talk about. Baekhee is not there to watch out for Jongin, directing Sehee to different topics, and Jongin doesn’t have the heart to dampen Sehee’s enthusiasm. He likes to see her excited, although he would love to see her just as excited when she talks about them, about Jongin and Sehee. Because talks of the future have been pushed to the back now, although Jongin and Sehee’s number one topic have always been suggestions for a better future and the what-ifs before, when Minseok wasn’t a part of Sehee’s life.

They had gone through so many different options together. What if Sehee became a professional model? Jongin would keep supporting her as best as he could, become a stylist and make-up artist maybe, or a photographer, an editor at a major fashion magazine. What if Sehee studied economics? Jongin would do the same, and he imagines the two of them spending hours cramming together before exams, both panicked (Jongin less so, because he has always been quite good with academics, except for the science parts) but then elated after getting the results. What if-

Jongin startles when there is a hand on his forehead. Sehee looks unhappy when she retracts her hand.

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Sehee says. “And you’re pale, too. You don’t have a fever, but are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jongin replies, giving her a small smile. He is anything but fine with the thunderstorm inside his heart, and the sleepless nights are taking a toll on him as well. Sehee is not supposed to know though. He wants her free and happy and not worried over him. Well, he does wish for her concern, but seeing that she is someone else’s, he doesn’t think it is rightful to want her fussing over him. But that is exactly what Sehee is doing now.

“Don’t lie, Jongin. You look awful.” Her expression defies the seriousness in her tone and Jongin’s smile grows a little wider at that. She still cares for him after all. But that’s what she said, right?