TEARS

     There was a time when I was told that it was impossible to do two things at the same time. To be exact, two dreams and that meant two goals. No matter what I told those people, that I could, they never believed me. They made it seemed as if I wasn’t trust worthy. Simply because of that, I started to not even believe myself, to lose the hope of achieving such miraculous goals. Was this a one path road, where I had to either run for my life or if I turned around it would be sudden destruction? If that was really true, I will pave another road, not just for me, but for everyone around me.

     It was as if I was waiting for god to shine his light on me, while I was waiting on the ones I held close to my heart. Was my heart really made of ice, because everyone I did care for became like ice. Even the white star lights in the black darkness of the sky are pushing me far away…much far away. Have I really become the most successful woman in the world?

     Once more, I attempted to do two things at the same time on the night show I went on the following day. Tyler wanted me to show my face more to the world and I also wanted to send a message to Taeyeon. Would either them be satisfied with me? Would they both stop ignoring me and tell me I did well? I can understand Taeyeon and then I can’t, but Tyler? What did I do to him?

     I shut my eyes, letting my soul become quiet with the tranquil waves of oceans filling my mind, before I let them come pass my lips to sing a song that had me hooked like a snapper fish on a fisherman’s hook.

“Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be
Where I was right there
Right next to you

And it's hard
The days just seems so dark
The moon, the stars
Are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin
Where do I begin?
No words can explain
The way I'm missing you

Deny this emptiness
This hole that I'm inside
These tears
They tell their own story

Told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call?
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy”

     From my lips it may sound like a woman that has been deeply hurt and missing her lover, but those emotions were for my friend. It may seem silly of me to be crying over her, but how can I not from everything we’ve been through? To me it only made sense for me to do this. On the show I was classed as a damsel in distress since I was wearing a sheer white dress and I looked so sad.

     I simply answered their questions and hoped Taeyeon would not have only heard about that I had gone on a show, but heard this song. Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down was a song I felt that could move the soul of anyone that had a heart and those tears that I saw Taeyeon shed over Baekhyun or even her sister let me know, she still had one.

     Mentioning ice, on the show that I had came on; there was a woman I had co-starred in a musical with, which was Legally Blonde. She was asked about her first impression of me and I was curious if it would be like how most people said, in which my assumption was correct.

     "At the time, Jessica had very blonde hair and was very thin, so she gave off a very arrogant image like the rumors said.  That was how I first saw her. But, she was actually not like that.  She approached me first saying, 'We're the same age.'  She was very easygoing and playful. She was practicing for the scene in which she does a man's tie, but she didn't know how to do it, so she would tie it like a ribbon."

     It warmed my heart and made me give a bright smile to her since she noticed how I truly was. Then, she brought up the time I had done something nice to her. I couldn’t help myself, because she was the person who was the nicest to me, when I was enduring a hard time within the group. I felt like I owed her and now I feel I owe her again for saying such nice things about me to everyone who is watching.

     "Ah, yes!  That's right.  In the dressing room, she wrote a happy birthday message by herself, and then during curtain call, she was taking something out of her clothes and revealed it to be the birthday message that Jessica held up on stage during the curtain call.”

     Even when I had been pushed out of SNSD and our Japanese Promotion Divine MV came out, she had sent me a message saying that was a great achievement. I felt sincerely thankful for that and immediately it was as if a chord had been strummed. I had remembered Mr. Youngmin’s words.

      “Taeyeon is very jealous of you.”

     Would this cause her to hate me more…I really didn’t want it to. That was not even in the least of my intention.

     Later that night, I was invited out to dinner and I was going to decline to get back to the studio. I felt this tune of grief running through my veins and I really needed a piano to play these emotions out. But, on the set of the Show, I heard that Ailee would be joining at the dinner. Unconsciously and instantly, I changed my mind, In which male talk show host was surprised. “I’ll be going!”

      “O-Oh okay then…great! We have a van in the back. Go ahead and get in,” He told me, before he turned to go talk to one of his cameraman. I bit down on my bottom lip and wanted to self palm myself. Why do I keep getting in Taeyeon’s affairs? First Baekhyun, then her Sister, and now It’s Ailee.

     Regardless of that matter, within thirty minutes I was sitting in the private room of laughing and talkative people. I remained silent as Ailee was sitting right across from me, sipping on the wine as she was pointing at the Talk show host and a woman dancing funnily to the music that came along with the private dinner room. I was scared to drink, because I might say something to her. I was doing my best to not already ask her, ‘Are you angry at Taeyeon? I’m sorry…I apologize.’ Would that even sound right? Aish, I am really losing my mind. Jesus please help me.

     The moment I lifted my hand up to eat one of the fortune cookies, Ailee looked over at me gave me a big cheeky smile in her satin purple and black dress, that brought our her red hair, that matched her comeback she had last month. I had only said hello to her when I had entered in the room.

      “Well it’s nice to see SNSD become nine again!” She exclaimed and finished up the last of her red wine in her glass, before she clucked the glass down on the table in which I flinched.

      “O-Oh, yes it is. It’s nice to be back,” I spoke nervously and she just kept smiling at me, while she leaned closer to me. “Please replace that ,” She whispered and my alert signals went up. She was definitely angry.

      “W-What?” I asked since I was utterly confused on what to say next.

      “I’ve heard everything from Amber, that Krystal said you two are going to have a competition between leaders. I don’t care about her taking the song, but she didn’t have to act like she stepped on a roach. Everyone knows if our voices were wind, I would blow her right over,” She said and blew a napkin sluggishly. Yep, she was absolutely drunk, just like the other people here, excluding me.

      I had ended up giving in and I bowed my head, without looking in her eyes. “I’m sorry…Taeyeon is really going through some things. You can understand, right?” I asked and then met her eyes that looked at me without any focus, but she was still smiling in a lovely matter…a drunken smile.

      “Yeah…I can understand that . She has not the least of manners,” She began to blabber louder as she held her finger up, pointing at the chandelier above us. I figured it was best I left now.

     Without even changing into some more comfortable clothing, I drove in the parking lot of SM Entertainment. For a moment after I had took out the key out of the ignition, I took a second to notice all the stars in the distant night sky. With a silly smile on my lips, I had begun talking to myself.

      “Taeyeon if you knew what I am going through would you feel bad for me or would you feel bad for yourself? I don’t want you to feel bad for me. If you understood my tears, you would be able to laugh, just like I am,” I cried in between chuckles. The only thing left to do was the laugh through the tears. My glassy eyes, still somehow, kept looking at those bright stars like a million spot lights, creating one source of light. I guess that was the power of constellations…constellations?

     Instantly, my thoughts became action as I ran out my car with my heels clicking against the pavement to the inside of the building, till I met the keyboard of a computer in the studio, then it became to be the control keys, creating sounds. Just one word leaded me to such a creation. That is why I know I can mend this bond through music. This was the reason, our dream to do surgery to the soul through music. Just as the sound of the drum, makes your body move to the beat, the sound of a piano or even a violin makes your heart sway in the same movement…creating tears. Music makes the emotions come out no matter what.

     Morning came like the summer breeze, so quickly and yet slowly. Before me, I had simply art and yet why does the artist feel so ugly compared to her beautiful creations? I smiled silently and picked up the paper of music notes, then looked at my phone to see the light flashing, meaning I had some missed calls. Putting the music sheet down, my scrawny eyes stretched to pick up my phone and look through my calls. Sadly, it wasn’t from anyone I wanted it to be from. It wasn’t Tyler and of course not Taeyeon. When was the last time she called me? Was it six years ago as well?

     I got up with a struggle and found myself seriously weak. Why did I feel so hot and thirsty? My head was beginning to swim around like a fish in a tight tank as I was walking down the hallway with the strap of my purse dangling from my hand. Get a hold of yourself Jessica. I kept repeating this as I tried breathing for air. What was suddenly happening to me? Before I knew it, I lost all grip of reality as I fell right down to my knees and my hair messily blocked my way of vision. My eyes glared upward to someone running before me, but everything became darkness the second following.

     Softly…ever softly, there was a moist, cool cloth being pressed against my forehead. I felt as if I was lying on a cloud, when I was regaining my consciousness. Who was there? To find out who was tending to me, I slowly began to open my eyes and joyful tears filled my eyes.

      “Taeyeon…is that really?” I began to ask and a hot tear streamed from the side of my forehead to the roots of my hair. My hand eventually rose up to wrap around the hand that was on top of my forehead. But, my smile began to falter, to crash down like a destroyed empire. I was so foolish…to think that person would be here.

      “Do I really look like Taeyeon? Ha, a girl nonetheless?” I heard his relaxing voice and his face began to look like it really should have in the beginning. Was I this sick, that I was seeing illusions? Embarrassed and hurt at the same time, I turned my head to examine the medical room of SM Entertainment. So it was a hospital bed that felt like heaven? Have I gone insane?

      “But Taeyeon did find you,” Leeteuk murmured and removed the cloth from my forehead. My eyes widened instantly and I sat up so quickly that I was knick away from hitting Leeteuk’s forehead with mines ,before he pulled away just in time. “What? She did? Where is she?” I asked so speedily that Leeteuk just tilted his head at me in complete confusion.

      I growled from his slow response and moved his shoulder to jump off the bed, to go look for her. But, I couldn’t go anywhere when he grabbed my arm. “Your fever went down, but you need to refrain from moving for the time being to keep it from going up,” He chastised me and I looked back at him with angry eyes.

      “Let me go,” I spoke vulgarly and he pulled me back, warning me to not go any further. Leeteuk was my Oppa and my Sunbae. He has been here in SM Entertainment even longer than me and it would show great disrespect if I went against him. This first meeting with him since my return wasn’t the ideal or the least expected.

      With tight angry lips, I walked backwards and took a seat back on the hospital bed. I then looked away from his kind brown eyes to the blue skies outside the window. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say hello, it’s been a long time or thank you to your Oppa,” Leeteuk began to spoke in exaggerated tone of voice as I saw him go over to my left, to place the folded cloth in a silver pan of water.

      When he returned in front of me, I examined his tall and lean appearance. As always, his muscles were pumped, revealing the curves of them through the buttoned white and red dress shirt he was wearing with black jeans. His skin was of Ivory; compared to the white creamy look it had two years ago. His black hair was cut short, with the bang inches away from his nicely shaped eyebrows. In the back, it was completely shaved, giving him more of a manly look compared to his cute baby face. His nose was long and thin, while his eyes were big and innocent. His lips were small and full like a berry. Lastly, his fast shape was of a Greek god, but with a pointed chin making him even more perfect. He was the ideal and more than anything he was Taeyeon’s ideal type when they dated four years ago.

      Taeyeon never told me her business back in those days, but it was known within SM Entertainment that those two were dating and how they broke up so badly, that she never looked at him. When she did, it was an awkward look…like she gave me.

      “I’ve missed you,” I whispered to him and his eyes widened from my unexpected response. His hand had lowered when he was just about to pat my forehead with the cloth.

      He was also the person who only truly understood what I was going through with Taeyeon, since he had been there before.

      “You missed me?” He asked and pointed at himself as he looked around playfully for someone else, who obviously wasn’t there. I then raised my hand up and pointed it at him as well. “I missed this man,” I said and he chuckled, grabbing my hand to lower it to my lap. He then continued to cooling my face down with the wet cloth, in which I waited silently till he finished.

      “Well, that’s nice to know. I don’t have many people that miss me these days,” He spoke sadly and then scooted up a chair to sit in front of me. I could understand his sadness. His father and grandparents killed themselves while he was in the army three years ago. Even when he was going through those hard times, Taeyeon didn’t even try to get back with him. They had broken up the day before that dreadful incident happened.

      “You have many people. Thousands,” I said with reassurance and he looked up at me with a smile filled with endearment.

      “I know. But, I’m talking about intermediate you know. Like there is a circle. My fans are outside that circle and I stand on the edge to see them, but inside that circle I don’t have many. It’s truly sad,” He expressed himself with me easily and I shook my head.

      “Why do you need that many in your circle? You have me, your sister, Super Junior, and all the SM Town Family,” I began to add on the SM Family, because he was right…he didn’t have that many people.

     He simply hummed and I knew he caught on to what I was saying, which was what he was saying.

      “Enough of me. I’m fine. Why did you faint in the hallway? Have you not been taking care of yourself due to you have only one month to prepare for a solo?” He asked me and I coughed instantly. He got up and patted me on my back. I shook my head and looked up in his eyes.

      “It’s not that,” I said with a wavering voice and he looked at me with more concern. “If not that, then what is it?” He asked and I looked down. “It’s Taeyeon,” I replied honestly since he would figure it out anyway and he lifted my chin up to look in his eyes. “I figured as much,” He sighed after looking away.

      “I’ve found out that there is another reason…a real reason Taeyeon can’t forgive me,” I told him and he looked at me with his full attention.

      “A-Another reason? What is that?” He asked and I could tell he was becoming anxious as well.

     Sadly and disappointed to tell him, I shook my head with my eyes looking down, since I couldn’t move my head. “That, I do not know. I am trying to figure that out. I believe it has something to do with what Jaejoong told me when he broke up with me,” I added on, since he knew everything about that wretched day.

      “What? That you two were different?” He asked and I nodded, in which he moved his hand from my face to look around, searching for the answers in his own mind.

      “I could never figure out why he would say that as well. Did you ever try talking to Jaejoong again?” Leeteuk asked me and I nodded, still looking down.

      “What did he say?” He asked me and I let out another sigh, showing signs of fatigue and stress.

      “He told me that he couldn’t tell me. It was something Taeyeon would have to tell my herself. It seems Xia even knows. I was wondering if Baekhyun would know…but I can’t talk to him,” I said and then brought myself to look up in eyes.

      “What should I do Leeteuk? I keep thinking that if I do my best in this Solo that my heart won’t only win the fans over, but Taeyeon as well,” I said and then I realized I was doing two things at once. Would I fail once more?

      “Taeyeon has been through some things with Baekhyun, her sister cancer issue and the scandal. Right now it looks good for Taeyeon due the sorrow of the fans toward her sister…but I think something bad is going to happen again,” He began to start analyzing and I nodded in agreement.

      “Jessica, around that time when TVXQ was disbanding and after you told Mr. Youngmin about them two dating…something was going on with Taeyeon,” He spoke seriously and I felt my heart rate quickening by the seconds.

      “What was going on?” I asked with my eyes stretched out.

      “I’m not sure exactly, but it was a big issue with all the board members. Taeyeon was even threatening to have a lawsuit against SM for it. I think that why she has Mr. Youngmin wrapped around her fingers,” He said and I felt my heart stopped. What could this be? Was it really that bad where Taeyeon was planning to have a lawsuit?

      “Afterwards, Taeyeon had gone on a four month vacation. Do you remember that?” He asked me and I looked out the window, staring at the peacefulness of the distant sky once more.

      “Yes, I remember…I thought it was because her and Xia broke up,” I said and Leeteuk shook his head. “It had to be something much more serious than that,” He said and on such a sunny day, it began to rain tears on my face.

      “Can you help me find that something out?” I asked him and he walked up to me, grabbing my hands. “I promise you I will Jessica. I loved Taeyeon and I loved you as well…” He spoke and I looked down with a small laugh.

      “You silly man. You know a love triangle is what ruined the first relationship,” I told him and he replied back wittingly.

      “And it was what ruined the second as well.”

      It just seems that things keep repeating themselves over and over. I never loved Leeteuk, no, I couldn’t love him…but when I tried getting close to him, to know more about Taeyeon, everything fell apart when he fell in love with me.

      “Taeyeon has done some bad things Leeteuk. I am trying to clean up behind her for a change,” I told him as I remembered Ailee’s word and Krystal’s words, but mostly our fans words. Just as Leeteuk said, there was an intermediate circle. When we would go to that edge, we would have eyes of love staring at us, but what can we do when hate is coming from both sides? What can we do but die?

      “Don’t clean up for her. Turn her around and have her clean up her own mess. That’s the only way we can fix this,” He told me and I looked up to see tears streaming down his face. I lifted my hand up to wipe them away, but he grabbed the wrist of my hand. He shook his hands and wiped his own tears, then smiled at me. What a perfect demonstration. Thank you Leeteuk.

***

      On my own two feet, I was walking to the SM Entertainment cafeteria for a change and that was when I stopped. There was Taeyeon and Baekhyun in the hallway. It was as if they were yelling; screaming, but they were doing it in low whispers. Both of their eyes were filled with anger, but with such love.

      “No, No, you listen to me. I’m trying to fix all of this,” Taeyeon was saying, but got run over by Baekhyun’s words. “Don’t bother fixing anything Taeyeon. I’ve gave you all my love and this is how you thank me?”

      “Why can’t you believe me Baekhyun? I’ll sacrifice anything for you and you know that. You remember when we first started dating Baekhyun? When it was revealed to the world and I went out to those fans, crying and begging for their forgiveness?” She was bringing up a distant and unforgettable memory. That was the only time I had saw Taeyeon lower her pride for someone. She must really love him.

      “Of course I remember that! B-But,” He started and she rolled over his words this time. “But nothing! I didn’t sleep with G-Dragon! I was drunk and helped me!”

      “Helped you what? Helped you into a hotel bed and into your pants!?”

      “I’m telling you it’s not like that and if it was?”

      “And if it was!?!” His voice rose up and she ran her hand through her hair, showing frustration.

      “And if it was, I wouldn’t have had control over my body!” She shouldn’t have said that.

      “Wow! Kim Taeyeon has control over her heart and not her body? If that’s the case I don’t want a girlfriend like you!” His voice broke out of its whisper like tone. He turned to walk down the hallway, but Taeyeon grabbed his arm, crying and begging. “Please.”

      “Bull ,” he cursed and that was when she fell down her knees. I gasped silently with my facial expression showing the surprise.

      “Please believe me Baekhyun. I love you. I would never do that to you. He even told me that we didn’t do anything! You can call him yourself…please forgive me! I’m sorry for everything!” She began crying with her head bowed.

      A single tear slipped down Baekhyun’s face and his lips were shaking. “I can call him and hear how you his off, just like you are on your knees right now Taeyeon? This is enough Taeyeon. That morning when I saw those pictures, I was imagining you doing such disgusting things with him, which was once so beautiful with me. Right now, you are just making it worse. Right now…Right now…” His voice began to waver and he shut his eyes tightly before he ran off, right pass me.

      “It’s over between us.”

      That was when Taeyeon became like shattered glass before me, crying and shaking on the floor. She was screaming his name as if no one in the agency could hear her, no, the world.

      I looked back at Baekhyun with disbelief and then walked up to Taeyeon, to look down at her still in that bowed position.

      “Get up,” I spoke coldly and she was till there crying, shivering in that thin pink shirt.

      “I said get up! How do you expect to beat me Taeyeon?! How do you call yourself the leader of SNSD!?” I exclaimed and her mourning became silence as she looked at me with blood shot eyes. I wanted to comfort her and to let her cry in my arms, like I wanted to that night, but this is what made us strong.

      “You look pitiful and to believe that I saw you as my rival, to believe that you were that strong best friend. I can’t even believe that anymore. Fine, you stay down there on your knees crying over a man. A man that isn’t even worthy of your trust and even your love,” I had stopped talking, because my fictitous words of strength were starting to become sorrow.

      With a smug look, she lifted up one of her hands and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Without a sound, she stood up on her two feet, looking like a pale ghost that had just hit a fever.

      “Keep believing that. Keep believing just like that, because we will see who will win. I’ll show you, Baekhyun and even those two-faced fans what Kim Taeyeon is capable of. I’m not easy to be squashed or even killed Jessica. Just because all of you talk so low of me, I’m really high and when you all notice that, none of you will ever bad mouth me ever again. You want to know why that is?” She asked me with a smile, a shaky smile that could become so miserable in the blink of an eye.

      “I don’t want to know Kim Taeyeon,” I told her and I began to turn when I realized I saw that spit of flame in her eyes. If Taeyeon didn’t have that pride of hers, she would have been long gone by now.

      “I want you to show me. Show me how much pain you’ve been through, how many tears you spilled, show me even the past that I don’t know. I want to hear all your unheard screams,” I told her before I began to walk down the hallway.

      Only that way…both of us can move on…to move on as one.

      Without having anything to eat, I was back in the studio room, with my fingers entwined and pressed against my lips. My stare was set on the microphone in the voice room, but all I could think about was Taeyeon. Will Taeyeon finally show me what made us different and then can I acknowledge that. Once that happens, I can fix all of this. Till then…I will patiently wait.

      The next day, my commercial was out streaming on TV stations ranging from New York City and even Seoul. My faces were on the street ads along with the photo shoot I did with Krystal in the magazines, while Tiffany and Jessica’s were competing in a y fierce battle set of photos. There were comments on news sites, saying they look like and some even saying they were the ‘baddest females’. It seemed as if some people were now siding with Taeyeon. I hope it continues that way, because no matter what type of fame we had, there would always be negative comments. Even on my photo-shoots, fans were claiming we had plastic surgery and then boasting Sister Power. The world is like that.

      To avoid from fainting like I did before, I kept eating a healthy diet and took time for the gym besides just staying cooped up in a studio. There wasn’t a single call from Tyler, but I didn’t worry about that then. For three days, I remained working hard and getting contact with people that can start the layout of the music video I was hoping to have. When I hung up from one of my calls, I took a look at the new feed on my laptop. Amber’s solo debut Shake That Brass had came out Ft. Taeyeon. The video was thrilling and fun, to see she had her friends in there, except her main best friend Ailee. Besides that depressing story, it was nice to see Taeyeon wearing her tight flashy dress with a smile that seemed as free as an untamed horses freedom, but only I knew how restrained she truly was.

      At just the moment, when the music video finished, there was call on my phone. Tyler? That second of thrill was replaced with dullness as I answered the phone to Mr. Youngmin.

      “Hello Mr. Youngmin,” I spoke brightly with my eyes expressing the unhappiness I truly felt.

      “Hello Jessica. I would like to see you in my office. I’m sure you won’t have a problem getting here in less than five minutes, since you are in the studio, correct?” He asked me and I nodded as I began to get up instantly.

      “Yes Sir. I am on my way now,” I said and the call ended there. What would he want now? Perhaps he wanted to know at what stage as I was in my solo debut?

      With a single knock on the door, I was told to enter. I turned the golden door knob and entered the office that was filled with such daylight. I closed the door and fixed the front of my light blue blazer. My eyes scanned over Mr. Youngmin who was looking at me with a smile that spelled money. Leeteuk told me that Taeyeon had Mr. Youngmin wrapped around her fingers, but it seemed she couldn’t get rid of me easily since he wanted to make some money off of us both. I couldn’t blame him. YG, his rival had gone above him in all ranks and stocks. Now that I’ve become a CEO myself, I understand the stress and worries more than anyone.

      Mentioning that person, I saw from the corner of my eye that someone else was here. I kept walking silently in the room and stepped in front of the black leather seats to see the side of Taeyeon’s serious face as well. She knew I was there and yet she never looked at me.

      “It’s nice that you can make it Jessica. Please I have seat. I have something to discuss with you and Taeyeon,” He said and I gave a respectful bow before I took a seat next to Taeyeon. It felt awkward to be this close, especially since I told her those words before.

      “How are your solo’s going?” He asked us with a bright cheeky look as he crossed his hands and placed them on his desk.

      “It’s going well. I’m going to start teasers at least a week from now, since Shake That Brass just came out today,” Taeyeon was the first to speak and she spoke with sheer confidence.

      “Yes, Yes. I saw the video. It is quite lovely and your voice gave a nice brightening feel to the song. Your date you set for the teasers sounds good. That means you are the process of filming then or getting ready for it. Good,” He complimented her and she smiled in response.

      His small eyes were now on me and I knew I would have to tell him my report. Nervously, I began to run my hand through my hair and brought my hands down to hold one another before I responded.

      “I’m still in the process of recording and re-writing the lyrics,” I told him, a little ashamed, compared to Taeyeon who was already starting to record her MV, but that didn’t mean she still wasn’t working on her music since she was still going to the studios.

      “I see. Well you have by March 1^st to finish up. Then they will go under review for content. On the same day, both of your Music Videos will be released,” He told us for the first time and my eyes widened with surprise. He was truly planning to make this a true competition.

      “How are you planning to judge us?” Taeyeon asked with the sound of deep interest.

      “Good question. I plan to judge based on the Youtube views, the music show’s winning and statistics, promotion and then a voting by the fans,” He said with a big smile.

      “Voting by the fans?” She asked.

      “Oh, it will be on the official site of SM to vote on who Comeback they liked better. There will also be a chart, where the fans can level if they liked the video, song, and etc more than the other. I will be doing all this carefully.” He said.

      “How will you choose the winner and announce them?” She asked.

      “Well, right now on the internet. The fans are thinking SNSD are having a comeback, since they see you two coming to the studio. Hyoyeon and Yuri have been coming often to the dance studio also. So far, no one is aware of the expected dates of both of your solo debuts. Of course, they will know you are having one when you release teasers. I will announce that there is a competition for SNSD’s leader after Jessica hints or releases something. Shall you be releasing teasers?” Mr. Youngmin asked me and I glanced over at Taeyeon who was still refusing to look at me.

      “I will,” I decided after a long discussion inside my own mind. This was a competition and for all of us to our heart into this, we had to heads.

      He began to laugh like a filthy rich man and nodded. “Good, Good. Now for my original purpose to calling you ladies here,” He began to jump on another wagon of discussion as he looked through some papers on his desk. I had just thought he would tell us to dismiss, but what else was there?

      “Are you ladies free on Valentine’s Day?” He asked and looked up at Taeyeon specifically. They must have already discussed things about Baekhyun when I wasn’t here. Would they make an official statement that the two have broken up?

      “Of course, is there an event?” She asked and he then looked over at me. I suddenly thought about Tyler. Would he have anything planned for me?

      For the mean time, I responded, “No. I’m free as far as I know.”

      “Good. Good. There’s a Dodgers baseball game on Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles. You two will be going to participate. Since the last two times we had SNSD members to throw a ball were a complete failure, I chose Taeyeon to throw the first ball and for Jessica to hit one of the throws by the players. How does that sound?” He asked us and looked up from the paper he was just reading. My breaths were taken away and my cheeks became flushed from two emotions entwining in my soul.

      First thing, me and Taeyeon alone would be going to baseball game? I remember the last time we had gone; we had gone with Tiffany and Sunny. Tiffany had thrown the first pitch and the way she prepared herself made it seem the ball would end up burning into fire, but rather it hit the ground in less than five seconds. I’m definitely not one to talk, because when I pitched, the ball hit the ground in less than two seconds. It was so embarrassing that I couldn’t help laugh. Little did I know that Taeyeon had busted out laughing as well, but it wasn’t a taunting laugh. It was that type of laughter we use to have back in those days with gleaming eyes. That was the first time in a long time; I’ve seen her laugh like that for me in particular. That was four years ago.

      “I also want you two to prepare to sing the Korean and American National Anthem. Of course Jessica will do the American Nation Anthem and Taeyeon will do the Korean National Anthem. I’m sure it will turn into a success once more unlike last time. Please bring good news back to your country please,” He said in the end with a small chirp, before he leaned back in his office chair.

      “Me and Taeyeon?” I had asked unconsciously and I looked over at Taeyeon, whom I felt was looking at me as well, but she turned her head immediately.

      “When do you want us to leave?” She asked him since in two days it would be Valentine’s Day. He really didn’t give us anytime to practice, but why should we practice a song that we already know really. We just needed a little touch up, that’s all. I’m sure I would do better than Tiffany since she was the one who did it the last ime…because being honest she kind of ruined it without any ill feelings mixed.

      “Hmm, well there is a flight for tomorrow in the morning and at night. Then there is one at one in the morning on Valentine’s Day. I’ll let you girls decide on which one you will take. Your bodyguards, a few of the staff members and SNSD’s manager will be attending with you. Have fun,’ He dragged off and then turned his chair to look at the view of Seoul, letting us know that we were dismissed.

      Without anymore words, we left his office silently and met in the hallway. “When do you-“ I had began as I was walking behind her and she stopped in her steps instantly.

      “Tomorrow Night,” Was all she said and she quickly walked off to her own business. So, I see I was on my own to practice my song and baseball hit. Was this supposed to be competition as well? I’ll just have to find someone to throw the ball for me and judge my singing. Who could that be? Krystal would just be a problem, since she would just bad mouth Taeyeon. She’s probably still agitated about our last words at that. It would just be awkward to call anyone from SNSD to help me. If I was to choose anyone it would be Sooyoung, Yuri or Seohyun…but I rather not. I don’t want to face them, till this is all over. That would be the best thing to do.

      To think more, I went straight back to the studio I came from and took a seat to relax my nerves. Now who else? I and Jaejoong are on cold terms since he wouldn’t tell me Taeyeon’s reason. Ugh, why would he do that? My other friends from Kara Gyuri and Hara were busy promoting in Japan, so they are definitely out the picture. I could call for Leeteuk once more, but I then could catch with Kim Hyun Joong instead since I haven’t talked to him in a while. He has been going through some things and just finished his two years of military work last month. Perhaps I’ll call him up instead. It’s decided, I’ll call Kim Hyun Joong.

***

      Just like I said I would before, I was now driving over to Kim Hyun Joong’s house where he said we could practice for baseball and the singing there. His house was the ideal or must I say his Mansion was the dream house of any person. Well for a person who had the money to buy it, it was a reality. Of course, I had plenty of money, but I was saving mines rather. So, basically I lived the middle class with fancy apartments of any K-Pop Idol.

      After getting permission from the gates security receiver since I didn’t know the password, I was allowed to pass and drive up in his parking lot that had four cars of different colors and car models. I stepped out in my hot pink converses that matched a hot pink baseball shirt and dark black stretchable pants. I was ready to play ball.

      I followed the light blue side walk that led up to a pair of stairs. After, conquering the stairs I had rung the doorbell, in which I could hear on the opposite side of the door. Being cheeky, I looked up into his security camera and made a duck face. When the door was finally opened, he was already laughing and looked me up and down for quick second. It was nice to have a male friend and without him having illusions of a romantic relationship…well as far as I knew. I already had unrequited loves involving Xia and Leeteuk, then those just didn’t work out such as ones with Jaejoong and Donghae. Shivers ran up my back just thinking of such horrid things.

      “Are you not coming in?” I hear Hyun Joong ask me suddenly and I blinked my eyes to come out my board meeting in my mind. I swear had four of me discussing inside my head. I really need to stop this...but I can’t. With a big smile blooming on my lips just like the flowers did in spring, I tilted my head to the opposite of him as I made me way in. I looked immediately in living room, since that was from the entrance of the house.

      “I see you decorated again,” I said and remembered how it looked before. The last time I had came here; he had such dull color theme such as black and dark red. This time it was much livelier with pure colors such as white, tale blue and orange.

      “Of course. I don’t make money for nothing,” He said as if I was an idiot and patted my head. I squinted from him twisting my hair and I pushed his hand away, making him chuckle.

      “You don’t make it. You earn it,” I spoke back wittingly and he held his finger up, catching on to what I said.

      “Ah, very smart of you Ms. Jung,” He spoke of me formally and I knew he was mocking me in a jokingly manner. I simply rolled my eyes and turned my head to stare at the ocean painting that was the main piece of the living room. It was so beautiful…but so lonely.

      “Want something drink before we start?”I heard him ask me and I watched his backside disappear to enter another room. Following behind him, I had time to look over his appearance. I see he was still staying in top shape with muscles since he just got out of the army. His hair was cut short and dyed blonde. I suppose he bleached it after he got out, since in the army you had to be the natural black color. He wore a white v-neck T-Shirt and washed denims as he reached up to open the black glossed cabinet for a clear glass.

      “Sure. Since this will be a while,” I added on and he reached up to grab another glass before he shut the cabinet. He hummed a song as he was then putting the glasses one at a time in the water holder of his refrigerator. It wasn’t long till he finished and handed me my glass. His humming stopped to drink his water in one gulp. My eyes widened as I watched his Adams apple roll up and down with each swallow. He released a long relaxing sigh after drinking the glass and looked at me with a silly smile as he wiped his wet lips off. “See something you like?” He teased with a wink and turned to place the glass in his sink.

      “Psh,” I hissed at him simply and drunk my water quickly to follow after him since he was leaving the kitchen.

      “What was that song you were humming?” I asked I saw him pick up a black baseball bat and a white baseball from a table that was near the clear doors for his backyard. He looked back at me and smiled softly. “You don’t need to know.”

      My mouth dropped and I ran after him as he walked quickly out to his backyard that was filled with lively green grass. There was large garden consisting of vegetables, fruits and flowers on one side. I wanted to run over and to taste some, but Hyun Joong’s smart reply blinded me. He couldn’t escape the flick of my fingers to his forehead and made a sound as if he was in pain.”Ouch, hajima.”

      “So what was the song now? I really want to know now since you won’t tell me,” I said and crossed my arms as I looked at him closer. He sighed in defeat and tossed me the baseball. “It’s my comeback song,” He told me simply and I don’t see the big deal of that being such a secret to keep. He was probably just messing with me as always. He was always that playful, kind and teasing type of person. Many people didn’t see that anymore especially since what happened two years ago when some scandals and controversies that came out. I’m not justifying what he did was right, but he was a person that deserved forgiveness.

      “Why are you looking at me like that? Have you fallen for me already?” He asked me since I was just there staring at him with such sorrowful eyes. I shook my head and exaggerated out my words. “You wish.”

      “That may be true Jessica Jung. I wish,” He began to speak formally to me all of a sudden and I felt kind of uncomfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to help me.

      “Okay. Let’s see what you got. Throw me that ball.”

      I blinked, totally distracted and then looked at the ball. “I’m not supposed to be throwing, I’m hitting,” I tried correcting him and he shook his head as he got in a proper stance. “First you need to observe me and besides you need to learn how to properly throw one, especially since that last time you did. It was so horr-“

      “Yah!” I cut him off right there and threw the ball at him, expecting it to hit him for talking about my poor skills, but I just ate that. I was left there standing there like an idiot and totally embarrassed when the ball kissed the ground immediately. I felt that I beat my last record, since the ball hit the ground in less than one second.

      Hyun Joong sighed, and then walked over to me after picking up the ball with a soft chuckle. “You see?” He asked and looked up at me with soft amber eyes, in which I nodded.

      We spent about two hours working on my baseball skills and I improved gradually by the minute. It wasn’t long till I had the swing of it. It was so easy!

      “I can beat you now in a long mile,” I said to him in a voice happier than the spring as I followed him back inside his house.

      “Yeah, yeah, here,” he said as he came back from the kitchen to toss me a bottle of water. I caught it and smirked at him as I turned to drink my water after unscrewing the top off it.

      “Rest up. I’ll be back to meet with you up to start the singing lessons with my piano,” He said as he walked up the stairs, drinking his water at the same time. I did as he said, figuring he would go take a shower since he got so sweaty. I took a seat on his soft white leather couch, enjoying the cool air of his air conditioner and the cold water sliding down my esophagus. There would be no worries that I would screw up again. I will make Mr. Youngmin proud this time. There was only about one third of the water left in the bottle and decided I would save that for when I sing.

      To kill some time, I took out my phone and checked for any important messages. I always had messages concerning Americans or people requesting for sells or information about Blanc and Eclare. But, I rarely had the messages from the ones I truly wanted. I have the contact numbers of eight members and one lover, but none of them have contacted me. It was a shame. Rather than brooding in this growing melancholy, I got up and gave myself a self tour of Hyun Joong’s Mansion. He must have had maids clean up here, but I didn’t see them here. They must come at a certain time then.

      Being the nerd I am, I stopped to look at his collection of books. Many were of poems, music, history and mostly self-help books rather than fiction. Even with everything he has been through, he is still seeking to help himself. Only if people could understand that this man had-

      “Nosey little girl,” I heard this said out of nowhere and I jumped, turning around at the same time. It was Hyun Joong standing there with a plain black shirt this time and grey colored harem pants. He laughed loudly from seeing my scared cat act and I waved my hand off at him. “Let’s go teacher, I’m already hungry as it is,” I said to him as I passed him to the piano room, I discovered from house tour.

      “If you do well, Teacher will cook for you,” He sung out as he followed me into the piano room. A big smile was on my face instantly, since I knew he was the best cook I had ever known, well at least next to Jaejoong. Jaejoong just had the hands of a chef if I must say, but I’m not sure if he lost his touch from those days I was dating him.

      “You already know I don’t like speaking in English much, right?” He asked me as he took a seat at the grand black piano. Still standing, I placed my hand on the piano as I looked at him. “Of course, because of your accent,” I told him, in which I knew from the past. He knew English very well, but didn’t like the way he spoke it.

      “But, I’m making exception since this is a song you will be singing to everyone across the world,” He stretched out but I nodded with a small grin. “Well, let me see what you got first,” He stated and began to play the National Anthem song with his piano.

      I took in a deep breath through my mouth, to have enough air to push out as I sung the first line. Breathing was the most important technique and must be done properly through the mouth to reach the diaphragm.

      “Oh say can you see by the dawn’s early light,” I had begun and he nodded his head in response if I was doing well. There was only one moment he didn’t nod and it was the ending, in which I felt was kind of being strained.

      “Ha, it almost seems as if you didn’t need me, but you do,” He began his criticism and looked at me with honest eyes.

      “Your voice isn’t a strong or powerful one, but you do well in making your voice strengthen in its own way, which is what makes your voice unique. You have no problem with waving and tuning, but it’s how you lengthen it. Well here is an example, when you sing this part: And the rockets’ red glare,” He sung out to me and I took note of his powerful note, but he was able to hold it, lengthening it, stretching it.

      “This part is similar to when you sung the last part. Since your voice is almost like an angel you tend to sing more from the air of your stomach and partially your throat. Instead of that, try making your voice a little harder by using the bottom of your stomach and push it out of your chest like this,” He said and placed one hand on his chest and stomach showing him sing out the last line: O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

      I nodded and smiled softly, remembering a moment like this before. It was when I and Taeyeon were SM trainees. Back then in those days, I was told I sung better than Taeyeon, but as the years passed Taeyeon’s voice become stronger, surpassing mines. I always thought our voices complimented one another, I had what she was lacking and she had what I was lacking. I thought there was no need to strengthen my voice, but in this moment, it made me want to work on strengthening my voice.

      For another hour and half, I had mastered the way Hyun Joong wanted me to stretch my voice out and lengthen out my notes.

      “You did well. You should keep working on strengthening your voice Jessica. I’m not saying your soft voice isn’t of any value, trust me it is. It’s a voice that makes hearts shatter instantly, but strength can be something to add on to it,” He told me as he was taking some ingredients out for our dinner. It was now seven o’ clock, meaning I’ve been for over four hours since I came around three o’ clock.

      My legs were dangling and swinging happily as I sat on a red stool in his kitchen. “I know and I will. I made the right chose by coming over here,” I told him with my chin propped up in my hands, watching him with eyes of adoration. He looked over at me and smiled timidly, then looked back to place some eggs in a pot for broiling. It seemed to me that he was making some type of ramen soup.

      “Good. Good. You should do well tomorrow then. Have you been working on any songs such as for SNSD’s comeback?” he asked me as he was placing another silver pot on his black stove.

      “Uhmm…not exactly,” I spoke kind of awkward, finding the solo competition between me and Taeyeon almost vulgar to talk about, but everyone would know soon enough any way.

      “No comeback? Then…a solo?” He asked with curiosity as he was now placing some pasta in one of the pots.

      “Yes. I and Taeyeon are both going to have a solo. Both will be released next month,” I told him easily as if I was releasing air out of a balloon. It was best to just go with it.

      “Ohh, I see. It’s a competition then. I can see definitely what Mr. Youngmin is up to,” He said with a soft chuckle, figuring out our money chaser CEO. I can understand that all CEO’s targeted the green dollar, I did too. It was what kept us thriving, but I still have my morals. I refuse to lose any ethics over money and that included other people lives, but there was hardly any CEO’s like me…almost none, because I knew of any that were like me, except Tyler.

      “Yep,” I spoke and got up, to peek in the delicious pot of food that was on boiling. “Wow. You should have become a chef instead of an Idol,” I exclaimed and he turned around with a big gummy smile. “I should have,” He said sadly and walked away toward the refrigerator. For a moment, I kind of hated myself for saying that. I was reminding him of his unforgivable mistakes in the past.

      “Hyun Joong,” I had begun to ask him about the incident with his girlfriend, but I was interrupted by the bright dinging of his doorbell. He had turned his head to look at me with wide eyes, but then in the direction of the door. His face showed confusion and curiosity as he headed that way. “Watch the food for me,” He said to me and I nodded dumbfounded as I went over to the pot and stirred the noodles, watching how the colorful ingredients in it move around them like art.

      My head shot up as my ears received the sound of increasing voices in supreme fury. What was happening? I could hear the scream of a female and the shut of door that so immensely hard, that it could have created an earthquake. “Get the out with that!” Were the loudest and clearest words I heard from the mouth of Hyun Joong.

      Immediately, I dropped the wooden spoon that I was using to mix around in the point with a thump sound following. Right now in this moment, worrying about food was the least important. I quickly dashed down the hallway with my heart beat drumming instantly as I froze on spot, in the front door of his home that was spacious.

      My hands began to shake and breathing became harder as I looked at the thinly delicate hand wrapped around a Black Hand gun. As if my own eyes were having an earthquake, I slowly managed to look at the angry face filled with blood rushing through her veins and tears streaming faster than any river.

      “You want to shoot me now? Well go ahead and kill me if you can!” I heard Hyun Joong shout loudly like a mad man and I turned my head to see where the gun was aimed at him. I hadn’t even noticed there was a child in the room as well, standing behind his mom, grabbing on to her long skirt yet.

      “I will!” She screamed from the depths of her heart and I recognized who she was.

      “Don’t think everyone will believe your little story now that he’s my son! Especially sicne you told that lie that you had a miscarriage before I left for my enlistment!” He spoke with such wrath as he was stepping towards her without the smallest bit of fear. Even though she possessed a weapon to stop anyone in her path, her hands were shaking. She had not the confidence to shoot him, yet I still felt my heart shrinking with fear. I couldn’t do anything to stop this madness.

      “He is your son! I’m tired of what you’ve been putting me through! I’ll kill you before you do anything else!” She screamed more when Hyun Joong had grabbed her hand and I fell down to my knees holding my ears when the sound of the gun went off. Instantly the cries of the toddler were heard and I looked at him, standing next to his mom with fear dripping off his face. The baby, I have to save the baby. I repeated this in my head as I looked up to see no one had been shot, but the ceiling had when Hyun Joong had taken the gun from her. His arm was outstretched to the ceiling and his ex girlfriend began to step backwards.

      “J-Just look at him please. This is your son,” Her voice lowered in plea as she leaned down to push the fearful toddler towards him.

      “You mean it’s the man that left you child. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been sleeping behind my back all this time. That’s why I got my revenge, by doing what you did to me back then,” His voice lowered, but it was filled with murderous intent. All words were suddenly silent when his arm came down and aimed right at her forehead.

      “Hyun Joong,” I whispered off my lips as I saw his finger steady on the trigger. “Hyun Joong!” I cried louder and dashed over quickly, looking in his face. “Please don’t do this. You’ll regret this,” I tried calming him and I wasn’t sure if I should touch him to stop or not to in fear of shooting the woman he use to love. Everything had only gone hay wire, when he started to abuse her because of his anger issues.

      “Me? I’ll regret hurting this woman who hurt me before I did! First she goes to the police reporting four month old repots of domestic abuse. Second, she then releases news of pregnancy. Third, I propose to her and she refuses. Fourth, she fakes a miscarriage. Fifth, she has a baby and claims that it is mines. I believed her, till I saw it didn’t look like me nor her, but that man. Sixth, she comes now to threaten my life since I was about to start anew. I see no reason to regret!” He growled and I grabbed his wrist when I saw his finger move from the trigger.

      With a quick glance I was able to take a look at the woman, in which her thin face was pale along with her angry black hair in disarray as her lips shook, wordlessly.

      “Please...” I whispered as a single tear slipped down my right cheek and his insane eyes were suddenly distracted. He looked down to see the toddler; I would suppose to be a little over two years old grabbing at his pants. “Mama, Papa,” He cried out and Hyun Joong went crazy. With his free hand, he pushed the woman down on the floor, in which she began to cry loudly.

      I was the only one who could stop this madness as he leaned down, placing the tip of the gun closer to the child. “No!” I screamed and at the same time, the woman had run over to the child with me, causing us to move Hyun Joong out the way. It was too late. I was too late when another shot of death was bestowed. Who had been shot? The child, the mother, no wait, was it me? Everyone had stopped suddenly as I was on my knees, raising my bloody hands. Just as I wasn’t sure who was bleeding, I wasn’t sure who I was crying for. Was I shedding tears for these people, myself or for the one I was working so hard for, Taeyeon? All that hard work I’ve done would have been for nothing. Perhaps only my tears would be only thing left if I was no longer here anymore? For the rest of my life, I will regret this day.