BREATH

1st POV: Taeyeon's

     A fiery flame of fury was boiling inside my body as I sat here at this table, watching decisions be made without any of my control. This girl, who I had got rid of for two years, had found her path back inside this group. What's the point coming back after she had become so successful? Was she insane? She had to know that nothing would be the same and we didn't need her to rise back up to the top. If anything she would bring us back down. Now, just look at her. She now wants to take what is rightfully mine away from me? I won't let her!

     As soon as the meeting was over, I stood up angrily, doing my best not to blow up, because I was on the very edge about to lose my sanity in front of my members. I couldn't even bring my eyes to look at Jessica as I turned around, being the first person to leave after Mr. Youngmin left. I never really liked our CEO, but it wasn't like I had a choice on who I wanted the head man to be. 

     My fists were tight, as I breathed so heavily from the pain of my nails pinching the insides of my palms, while I raced down the hall to leave. I already had too many problems in my life as it is and now Jessica had returned as another problem that I was set on getting rid of again. This time I wouldn't be nice about it either, especially since she was a threat against my position. With fiery eyes set on the elevator, I was about to press the button when my forearm was caught by someone’s hand, which made me turn angrily around like a wild hurricane. The person I saw now in front of me didn't make me feel any better. If anything, it was just worst and my lips were held tightly against one another in a disgusting frown.

     Her voice was small and her eyes were glassy with tears threatening to fall. "J-Jessica, I didn't mean this to happen. I just wanted to come back. I-"

     My teeth had gritted together and just hearing her feel so apologetic and not act like she really was drove me insane. It took all of me to not slap her, but I spoke in a low key voice that was reeking in fury at the same time. I swallowed before I spoke, to compose myself, cutting her off. "You shouldn't have come back. It's just as simple as that Jessica. You accomplished your dream of being a big fashion designer. What is it here that you keep coming here for when you know you will be treated...unfairly."

     I stopped talking since I was trying to be careful with my words, while I saw the other members begin to walk this way for the elevator and I looked back at Jessica who was threatening to cry. Oh my god. She was going to make me look the bad guy here now? Such a two faced . Quickly, I turned around, pressing the chilly silver button for the elevator once more. 

     Everyone had made it to the front of the elevator and a word wasn't spoken till Jessica began sniffling and my back was like a brick wall when I turned around, but it never stopped me from hearing Seohyun speak up to Jessica. I could see the shadow on the floor that showed she was Jessica's back. "Everything is going to be alright."

     She shouldn't have told her such fictitious lies. Once the elevator door had opened, it was flooded with all nine members, inclduing myself as I was in the back now, forced to see Jessica shake from tears with her hand over face. I roughly bit on my bottom lip and crossed my arms, looking up to see a red arrow pointing down to bring us to the last floor. 

     Finally, when the doors opened, all the girls walked out, but Jessica was the last one standing there. Be a fool if you want to Jessica.

     Not just giving a damn, I walked around her and kept walking quickly out the clear doors till I grabbed the black handle of my car while taking out my car keys out my denim jeans pocket. Just when I opened my door, I turned to see Jessica calling out my name with tears, that she was trying to hold back with all her might. It would be a lie that her tears didn't affect me, but I couldn't let them.

     "Taeyeon, I keep coming back here, because this is where I belong. I keep coming back, because I want you to forgive me. I'm sorry for betraying you first. I'm sorry for getting angry with you and fighting with you. You were my best friend, please just forgive me and we can fix all of this," She was begging and grabbed my hand desperately. 

     I looked up at her with wide eyes seeing her skin that was pale as snow and she was shaking like a cold winter leaf about to crumble into autumn. With a deep sharp breath through my nostrils, my lips parted to speak something, but I didn't. Coldly, I snatched my hand away from her and let it remain next to my sides like a tin soldier. Trying to remain calm, I turned more to her with my head held high. I won't let myself fall and crumble like this. "Jessica, it's too late. How many times must I keep telling you this Jessica? Y-Your forgiveness is not wanted here...I-It c-can’t solve anything," I began cracking from seeing her here with me today, so apologetic. I wanted to forgive her, but I couldn't.

     My nose was turning red as the wind breezed through our long hair, making the scene look more dramatic when it was really more sympathetic. "Jessica, I'm telling you this today for the last time, if you never got it clear before. We are now enemies and I'm fighting to keep my group away before you hurt them more than you did me, okay? I suggest you to work hard to become the leader, because if you don't...I-I will get rid of you," I said and I quickly turned getting inside my car, then shut the door without looking at her.

     "Ah," I cried out my mouth, but kept my lips tight against one another, to refrain from another whimper as I put my shaky key in the ignition of my Sport Porsche Boxster car. Quickly, I pulled out the driveway, seeing Jessica in my rear view mirror standing there like her soul left her body. I wiped away a tear that seeped down the hill of my right cheek as the emotions that were bottling inside of me were being released shortly. "If you only knew why I couldn't ever forgive you Jessica...if only you knew why we were different," I breathed as I drove down the street.

     My problems in life had packed on top of one another so high, that God could have seen them easily. But, I was on my own to solve them and I hated this life sadly. Jessica had it so ing easy. It was like we gave her a golden key to the staircase of heaven and she took it. While everyone loved her, they hated me. It wasn't fair and that made me a much angrier person. I didn't like being angry, because it was much more stressful and frustrating than being sad.

     Moving on from my multiple boyfriends after Xia Junsu, I found one person that I truly liked. We were raised up similar to one another and acted the same way. I didn't think I could find someone as perfect as him. Even if all the fans around the world hated me for dating him, I did it because he gave me happiness. He was always on my side no matter what till I made a harmless mistake. Life was suffocating me in every corner and I just wanted to simply breathe. But, I couldn't.

     Just because everyone was trying to weaken me, didn't mean I would and that included Jessica. I wouldn't allow anyone to step on top of me so they could rise to the top.

     After having several thoughts racing in my mind for the finish line, I pulled up to the driveway of my house where my family stayed. I would have to tend to a couple things, before I would bury myself in music to prepare for my first solo come back. I was determined to win and I would. Just once more I would have to disappoint the fans.

     Leaving all those thoughts in the car, I slammed the car door and walked up the gray steps to enter our two story home where my Dad, Mom, younger sister Haeyeon, younger brother Jiwoong, and our cat Buttercup all lived together while I had my dog Ginger at my apartment. Sounds like the typical happy family that lives a nice celebrity lifestyle due to their daughter, right? It used to be like that two years ago. Things changed...for the worst and it wasn’t just me.

     Mom would get on to me for getting rid of Jessica and that we should make up, because we use to be the closest friends, but now we were the most distant. But, just like everyone else, she didn't know what made us so different, and in which that I couldn't forgive her for. She cried because I wouldn't listen to her since Jessica was like her daughter when we were best friends. But, it was my time to cry as I walked into the bedroom of my sister.

     I held a basket of her favorite sweets as I sat it on her baby pink dresser, while she had her eyes shut. A silent tear escaped down my cheek as I the skin on the top of her head. She looked restful, but deep inside she wasn't. My hand continued to rub gently over her hair-less scalp. This was the hardest thing I had ever been through in my entire life, which was to watch my little sister die.

     "Why did this have to happen to you?" I asked through a breathless whisper, thinking she was asleep, but she opened her eyes, revealing she wasn't. I gasped and quickly tried to wipe away the running water from my face which caused my hands to retreat from her.

     "I don't know," She answered my question and looked at me with her weak hazel eyes. Before, she would usually sit up with a big smile and her long hair that reached around hips would dangle around her. But, right now she was bony and bald. She was like a dead corpse right in front of my eyes and it pained me deep within my heart. It turned my heart black to see her like this.  I felt that as if I was dying. And, my crying parents who were outside listening in with my brother, couldn't have make me want to cry any more than I was, but I contained myself.

     We didn't know how many days she had left, but she was down to her last days and there was only one thing that could possibly save her.

     Possibly.

     Within that small precious head of hers contained a corrupting brain tumor that none of us knew that was growing. But, even though she was in pain, she looked at me with a smile. so she could leave some good memories behind. But, it consisted of such agony, where her cheeks were hallowed and not full anymore. "You'll sing me a song?" She asked, with a timid smile and I hated her smiling when she knew she wanted to cry. This would be her last time to cry, she should have released those emotions instead of keeping them inside. She was just like me, always trying to seem strong, but from the inside we were already broken down, weak.

     I nodded, biting the inside of my lip to refrain from crying and she reached over for her black acoustic guitar with pink flames that was by her bed. Softly, I took a seat on the foot of her bed and turned to her with my hand on her leg, in which I could only feel bone. She tilted her head and her frail arm went over her guitar as she held it in her lap while wearing just an overly sized treble cliff T-Shirt.

     The soft strum of her guitar filled my heart and over flooded it with tears. She shut her eyes, letting her eyelashes land on her cheeks, then I shut mines as well, to begin singing her favorite song. Then, she sang along sweetly, weakly. This was what we would always do; sing for one another since it could be our last. She had a dream to be a singer and sadly she wasn't able accomplish that.  The song that we sung couldn't have helped but to bring tears. It was one I sung last year and wrote with a fellow label mate. When she heard the tune, she was immediately addicted.

     "There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn't say anything We said that we were both ok, comforting each other when [Both] we hurt [Taeyeon] When I look back, we were only happy [Both] We haven't let each other go [Both] When tears fall, [Haeyeon] even my smallest cherished memories [Both] I don't know what to do Because it hurt so much, we promised to let each other go [Haeyeon] When I keep thinking about you... [Taeyeon] When it's so hard that I can't take it [Both] Please let me hear at least your breath"

     We opened our eyes looking into one another eyes as if they were deep oceans with fears casted in them. Then, we looked in the direction of Jiwong and Dad holding Mom whom was tearing up loudly. I got up off the bed and came up hugging my mom, as my sister was wiping the tears off her face, but they kept spilling. "Umma, everything will be alright. She'll have surgery this weekend and you'll see," I whispered to her and she nodded, sniffling.

     Her skin was pale and it seemed as if she was losing weight as well, but I wasn't one to talk.

     Afterward, we all took a seat on her bed, talking about happy times even though right now it was sad times. But, we had to make the best of this, just in case this was the last. I didn't want it to be.

     I left when she was ready to rest and my family told me not worry myself too much, since I was a celebrity. But, before I was a celebrity, I was a daughter and a sister.

     Leaving from there, I felt that I needed to be strengthened internally and for the past years I would always go to the same person. But, right now I had a feeling he didn't want to see my face, but I wanted to see his. How could love become unrequited over a mistake? Over a scandal?

     As I was driving, I had received a phone call and answered it, but right after I hung it up once I heard that person's voice. I didn't want to hear her voice, especially right now. How did she even get my number once I've changed it two years ago? Most likely the CEO gave her my number.

***

      Repeatedly, I ringed his door bell from outside his group mate’s dorm and I knew they had to be in there. They were still in the promotion period for their comeback, so I knew they were in there. Fighting back tears, I looked up at the security door camera, talking into it. "Yah, Baekhyun! I know you are in there and the rest of you! Open up!" I demanded while growing angry. Before, they would have opened the door for me easily, but they now were ignoring me? 

     "Yah Byun Baekhyun, are you really going to believe I cheated on you? We were just having a few drinks!" I almost screamed, and then looked away to wipe away a few crystal tears. Why was everyone betraying and leaving me? 

     I backed up immediately with wide eyes, seeing the door open, but it was just a crack. I was expecting to see Baekhyun's face, but it was another one of s, Chanyeol.

     "Baekhyun...says he doesn't want to see you," Chaneyeol spoke slowly in a sorrowful voice as he looked down at the ground in his plaid pajama pants and white tank top. I took in a deep breath through my reddened nose.

     "Tell me the reason why?" I asked a stupid question, but I wanted to hear his reason for my ownself. Ever since the scandal that came out with me drinking with G-Dragon, the leader of one of the most popular male groups in Korea at an after party which was true, then having a one night stand which was just a false rumor. He hadn't called me back or even more, text me. He was just simply ignoring me. If he was going to break up with me, he should have just told me straight.

     "Well..." Chanyeol began unsure if he wanted to hurt my feelings, but I wanted to know. I didn't want be second guessing, because it murdered my mind to think over so many possibilities.

     "He feels that you've betrayed him. He just wants some space to breathe..." Chaneyeol was cut off by a loud voice and looked behind himself and I recognized his voice as well. His manicured hand pushed Chanyeol to the side and peered down in my face, making my heart freeze from his cold steel eyes.

     "Yes, I need to ing breath Taeyeon. So, just go the away," He snarled, ripping my heart right out my chest and I stood there in shock from his rough way of speaking to me. Just when he was about to slam the door, I put my foot in the door ignoring the pain of it slamming my foot into the door frame with tightened fists. 

     Baekhyun gave a long sigh as he glared to me strongly with hatred in his eyes that once held love in them for me. "Why can't you believe me?" I asked like a little child asking if Santa was real. He just looked away with a bluffing laugh and looked down at my foot that was blocking the door, then back to my eyes.

     "Because, I know you Taeyeon. You even took your best friends past crush. Just because they weren't going together doesn't make it right," Baekhyun started and just the thought of him bringing up my past, made me stomach curl. Yes, I had told him all about my past relationships so we could be open with one another. He accepted me then, but now...he was using it against me? This just made me much more silently angry through these burning tears, that were rolling down my face like a rainy day. "What does that have to do with this?" I asked in a voice that was losing its control, but he beat me to it.

     "It has every ing thing to do with this Taeyeon! Your past reflects on your damn present!" He screamed with his entire face turning red and he was suddenly pulled out of my sight by two of s: Kai and Suho. I was just left there like a statue, frozen like ice, broken like glass, and sad like the rain. 

     Chanyeol replaced my eyes from the white hallway, with his remorseful face. "It's best that you leave Noona," He whispered and pushed my foot out with his, trying to make it seem like he didn't mean no harm at all. Then, the door was shut right in front of my face, parting my heart like Moses parted the Red Sea. My breathing was slow, yet my tears were fast, falling on my chest as my head fell down. A silent insane squeal escaped my lips as I shut my eyes tightly. I wanted to explode, to cry, to scream and to release all the emotions, but I couldn't do that, painfully.

     Walking out the Exo dorm building, outside the gates to head back to my car, I stopped suddenly with my hair falling back on my shoulders in reaction. I slowly looked up from three pairs of feet in front of me and when I looked up, the hard shells of an egg was slapped against my face with the yellow yolk dripping down my cheek to my shirt. It was three girls in their private school uniforms looking at me with despise in their eyes as they took eggs out a tray, throwing them at me with disgust.

     "Damn ! How dare you steal our Baekhyun and break his heart! You're a ing Harlot! Harlot! Harlot! You're a ing Harlot!" They began to chant as I stood there, breaking more from the pain hitting my face and wetting me like shame. My shoulders were slumped with my head leaning to my side as I bit down on my bottom lip keeping in all the hurt and hatred. I could have either broke out in tears or attacked them. But, I refused to let that image be seen from me. They dropped their empty boxes after I was covered in egg shells and yolk from thirty-six eggs being thrown at me. I brought my hand up and wiped the stickiness away from eyes, to look at them coldly with a false smile.

     "Are you done?" I asked matching my expression and they repeated the chant again with fisted hands. I laughed and walked around them heading to my car as if nothing happened. When I was pulling off in my car, I saw people across the street snapping pictures. Just great.

     Finally, when I made it to a place where no one was at, I was able to reveal the real me. I took off my sneakers and left them in my car, to walk barefoot on the sandy beach as the sun was now setting. The feel of the sand stung against my right bruised foot from being slammed in a door. The orange, pink, and yellow translucent rays from the sun were so beautiful and the smell of the sandy water, welcomed my tears and screams. Life was more than hard. I was at the point where I couldn’t even breathe when I wanted to. I didn’t have the freedom to breathe.

1st POV: Jessica's

     Was there such a thing of being home sick? Because, when you returned, it sure didn't feel better. I'm still ignoring the fact, that this place wasn't my home anymore. I was the banished princess from the castle that was thrown out by the queen. My blood was frozen as ice as I was saddened about the fact of this competition between Taeyeon and me. I'm sure everyone can see that I didn't plan this to happen, but it did. That was something that couldn't be stopped.

     Our CEO was still a money gobbling man and just by him setting up this competition showed how mad he was. I thought he would change, but he was like a shark, once he gets the weft of sweet blood, he goes immediately after it. In place of blood, it was money. I can't say how many times I had painfully called Taeyeon's number, which I got from Mr.Youngmin, but she never answered. Even though I knew she wouldn't say she forgave me, I was hanging on by a thin thread that she would. I was so foolish to believe that just because I was announced back in the group, didn't mean I was accepted. Even right now, there aren't nine members, but eight. What can I do to change that, especially now? 

     If I become the leader, Taeyeon will hate me into the next life and if I don't...she would get rid of me for good. Once again, I don't know what to do.

     Later that evening after, I went to go see the building that I had bought and had it furnished with furniture that I picked out. There was no point in going to see Krystal or more parents since I wasn't in proper condition to see them and I had always done frequent visits to see them over the past two years. 

     Wistfully, I came to my apartment door and took out my key chain that dangled in the vacant hallway.

     With a deep breath through my moistened nostrils from past tears, I opened the door, revealing a large living room with black carpet and a bright red L shaped leather couch. It was pleasant to see the paintings I painted on the walls in framed chiseled gold borders. I removed my heels at the door, to walk barefoot on the soft carpet to the clear balcony doors, that were welcoming bright sun rays to kiss my face. On my way, I dropped my chained purse to the floor and my fingertips wrapped around the handle of the doors and I slid them open with a soft lush sounds. Immediately, I smelled such a sweet and passionate aroma within the air. It was almost like a perfume, but when I walked out fully, I looked over seeing a tall beautiful rose plant in a gold and black plaid flower pot. 

     Bending over by the hip, with one of my hands finding rest on my knee softly, I lifted up the white flowery card and opened it with my thumbs seeing Tyler's extravagant writing.

To: My future wife, Jessica Kwon

I will miss the fact that you won't be waking up to me every single day and that I can't feed you my delicious meals, but I encourage you to work hard just as you did with me. No, work harder because what you are going after now is harder than the dream you have accomplished. This is reality and be strong. Don't drink wine, because I won't be around to stop you. I will watch over Blanc and Eclare for you here. There's a building for the fashion in Seoul also just in case you didn't know for work. I'm always here for you and I love you. When everything is cleared up, I will propose to you then. Saranghae! Fighting!

From: Your future husband, Tyler Kwon

     I was standing up properly with the card in my hand as my other was clutched over my vibrating lips and mild tears seeped down my face. He always held strong positivity within his love. I looked up to the heavenly white clouds in the sky with a blissful smile on my face, while gripping on the card to my chest, hopefully.

     "I'll be strong," I said this, building myself up while someone was breaking their hearts out and grimacing while I smile with tears.

     Afterward, I made it inside my spacious room and I took a seat to my sleek black study desk in front of another window and I held my phone in my hand, calling Tyler, but he never answered. A long disappointed sigh extracted from my lips as I looked out at the city down below with cars making their own ways to destiny. Then somehow like destiny itself, my phone vibrated in my hand, sending a thrill of uttering excitement in my body and I looked down at my phone which became another grand surprise. Even after all these years, I had kept his number within my phone and I hadn't received a single call till this very day.

     Without any hesitance lingering around, I took in a deep breath through my nostrils and answered the call, bringing it to my ear without saying a word at first. "Jessica!" He started off by calling out my name as if he was excited and thrilled, while I was still shock and unsure, stuck in the past. "A-Ah, yes...Jaejoong," I replied back, turning back to my window while I pinched my thighs, making sure this wasn't a dream.

     "It's been a while right? I'm sorry for never calling you, but I just heard the news of you returning back to Girls Generation and I couldn't even be more happier hearing about you becoming one of the most popular women in the fashion industry. I just had to call you...and I want to catch up on some things also. Is everything alright?" He asked after his long confinement that stunned me just as great. 

     My fingertips gripped my phone earnestly as I was growing nervous for some unknown reason. "I suppose..." I said, with my mind drifting off to what just happened just a while ago. Everything wasn't alright, clearly.

     Like always, he knew me all too well. "Are you still having problems with Taeyeon?" He asked with his voice reaching its sympathy through the phone. I nodded as if he was right in front of me and looked at the window once more with glistening eyes and a soft smile. "Yes, we are," I admitted to him with a low breath. "Oh...I see. Taeyeon has her reasons, "Jaejoong replied and it made me blink for that as well, but I didn't say anything. He continued, "Instead of just talking over the phone, why don't we meet up at a cafe?"

     From his invite, I moved up in my seat as my eyes widened slightly just from the thought. "O-Oh, sure. Which one?" I asked, standing up now as I was running my hand through my hair and went to look in the mirror at my appearance. His small laugh was fleeting and making my heart beat as he told me the destination of the Cafe. When I hung up, I slumped slightly looking at myself getting all giddy like a teenage girl in my pass.

     "Jessica, don't get your hopes high. There is no way you can go back to those days. You have Tyler, remember that," I spoke to myself with a pointed finger and nodded as I turned, grabbing my purse before I left.

     After parking my white BMW in the parking lot, it took all my strength to get out and prepare to face the man that broke my heart six years ago. Now that I actually looked at it, you could say that break up caused us to be where we were today. But, then again I couldn't say that, because I was bound to reveal the true feelings of my friend taking my crush from me. It may seem silly to say we fought over a man, but we truly fought over trust. When you are best friends, you expect one another to never break the bond. Then once that bond is broken, how can one fix it? Or...is it simply impossible?

     My heels clicked the marble floor and danced its tapping sound in my ears as I was holding my breath unconsciously when I entered the sparkling silver building. The interior color scheme was the color of sweet crème and coffee beans. My eyes traced over the walls that were mimicking the curves of a large sack consisting of coffee beans. I really did admire the creativeness of the cafe as I looked up to see dark brown hanging pendant lights, which were shaped like coffee beans as well. The atmosphere was very calming as I saw few people sitting around bronze circular tables in comfy crème colored chairs. I smiled softly, since I was becoming fond of this place already and remembered what I came here for.

     Firmly, I gripped on the golden chain of my purse as I tucked my bronze hair behind my ear, revealing my refined jaw line more as I turned around. My eyes showed the signs of happiness when I saw Jaejoong's eyes looking at mines with a big smile on his face. He had lifted his white hand and waved at me energetically and I waved back, till I saw the person he was sitting next to.

     Wearily, I took a seat in the soft chair, as I was sitting across a pair of eyes that I suddenly felt unsure of even coming here. I was fine with Jaejoong, but he was too much. Too much on my heart.

     "Wow! You look so awesome Jessica, or must I say CEO Jung for respect?" Xia exclaimed, in a joking matter as always as his soft cocoa eyes traced down on my figure, in which I was wearing tight black pants and a short sleeved red blouse with puffed shoulders. Uncomfortably, I sat my purse in the side of my chair as I tucked my hair back behind my hair gently again, nervously. My eyes looked at him for short moment, then at the smooth table to Jaejoong who was smiling softly. Xia was much better looking than all his years before. He had lost a lot of weight, which brought out his beautiful features, which was the perfect jaw line he had, his ripe plump lips, genuine tender eyes and sharp curved nose. Upon his body, he wore a white and cherry blossom blazer over a thin white dress shirt, with matching white pants. 

     "Ah, no need. Just Jessica," I replied back quickly, giving Xia another look to see his currently bleached hair combed back in neatly done like ocean waves. 

     "Sorry for bringing Xia along. I had told him where I was going, but he demanded to come as well. I should have just pulled over and let him get off on the side of the road," Jaejoong said with a soft chortle and I looked up to see the two best friends, glaring at one another playfully. They really hadn't changed a bit, while I felt I changed completely. I felt as if everyone changed around me.

     Xia shrugged his shoulders and folded his hands over his, "I'm just glad to see you’re doing well. I was driving yesterday and I saw your face on a big bill board and it was on the central square building as well. You are really daebak!" Xia cheered me on with a fighting fist and Jaejoong was staring at Junsu with a blank face. I was watching, almost entertained as Xia blinked a few times, before he looked back at Jaejoong' face that was judging him. Xia put his hands up and laughed stretching his lips an innocent smile. "What? It's true!" 

     "In the car, you were saying your face should have been up there instead," Jaejoong confessed and Xia eyes jumped as if he had been busted out and pushed Jaejoong's shoulder making them both break out in laughter. Xia turned to me, waving his hand back and forth. "Aniya, that's not completely true!" Xia said to me and I couldn't help but chuckled at these two do-do birds.

     "Not completly," Jaejoong mimicked Xia with a stupid face and Xia pushed him again, totally embarrassed. Jaejoong moved slightly and patted Xia's back as he was now resting his hand on his forehead. "It's alright. I'm sure Jessica can understand," Jaejoong implored and looked over at me with a quick wink. I had taken the wink for the wrong way at first as my heart began to race for a moment, ceasing the laugher that was escaping from me instatly.

     "Yes, it's fine," I said with a tender smile as I was now looking at them with more comfort. Their little comedy skit lightened the mood suddenly and Xia just nodded shyly. Afterward, we ordered some sweets and coffee. While we ate and sipped caffeine beverages, we talked over what we had done over the past years in details. It felt better to not talk about the past, since the present was a little better. Their other member Yoochun, wasn't able to come here because he was currently acting in a new action movie in America. Xia had recently acted in a new musical, Jaejoong recently had a signing event for his fans from his Solo Promotions last month and JYJ was releasing a new full length album next week, which they had been working on since last year. Even though what they went through with SM, they won their lawsuit and was allowed to be on shows and much more. They weren't restricted anymore and they also expressed their satisfaction with making more money than they did in SM.

     I suppose Jaejoong really did do the right thing. You really did have to sacrifice something to achieve your dream. 

     But, did I really have to sacrifice my group members?  That was quite a gambit.

     I had zoned out for a little bit as Jaejoong and Xia was talking to one another as if they were having their own little conversation aside from me. But, I was brought back to reality when I heard them mention someone.

     "Taeyeon only ended up like that because of you," Jaejoong said to Xia and looked at me guiltily, because he brought her up and Xia matched his expression as well. My mouth shook from the inside to speak about the sudden past, but I did.

     "Do you guys know how I can make Taeyeon not hate me anymore? How can I get her forgiveness?" I asked them, hoping they would give me the answer since they were entwined into our past life, especially Xia more than Jaejoong. My eyes drifted away from Jaejoong's fair skin and the dark hair that was gelled back on his head, to Xia who was looking away, almost remorseful.

     "Do you know what you need to be forgiven for?" Xia asked with the tone of his voice drowning in melancholy, which contrasted greatly from how thrilled he sounded before.

     Do I know what I need to be forgiven for?

     I was gripping my hands underneath the table now as I took in a slow deep breath before I answered. "For breaking you two apart?"

     A little deceiving smile filled Xia's lips as he rubbed his legs up and down nervously, while shaking his head side to side. "You can say that's one thing, but not the main thing. D-Did she not tell you what happened to her afterwards?" Xia asked me as if I should have known from her and it revealed a new doorway of knowledge to me, but I didn't have the key to open it.

     "W-What happened?" I asked, almost growing curious and desperate. As if he was pulling back, he bit down on his bottom lip, looking down in his lap. "I can't tell you...only she can," Xia breathed out and I brought my hand up the table squeezing it. If he knew, then I could fix all of this. My eyes grew big as I tried leaning closer from across the table.

     "Tell me what happened? I need to know!" I almost shouted, but lowered my voice when people started to look at us.

     Once more he shook his head and I felt my heart cracking like an ice glacier as he was keeping this from me. Tears began to pool in my eyes as I looked at Jaejoong, who was looking away also. "Y-You know too? What is it?" I asked him in a begging tone of voice, hoping this would egg him to tell me. Slowly, I saw him gulp making his Adam’s apple rise and fall, but he looked at me with glistening eyes fill with anguish. His voice was shaky as he spoke. "W-We can't tell you. It's not our place to say since it happened to her. Taeyeon is the only person who can tell you."

     My blood was rushing and tears were starting to stream as I sat there. I should have never come here. Immediately, I stood up and took money out my wallet to pay, but Jaejoong was standing now, placing his hand over mines. "I'm paying," Jaejoong said as if it would make me feel any better. I snatched my hand away and tossed my wallet inside my purse. "Fine then," I hissed, refraining from cursing as I turned walking out the cafe angrily. When I was in the hallway of the cafe, almost to the exit door, I was snatched around by Jaejoong gripping my arm with eyes that were reddened in the corners. I looked at him angrily, like a viper as I was tensing up.

     "Jessica, if I could tell you, I would. You know that," Jaejoong whispered in a painful voice, but I couldn't get over the fact they knew something that I didn't. It could have solved all these problems. My lips shook in fear and were reddened as I snatch brutally from his grasp. I straightened my stance and looked up at him with certainty as I held my purse on my hand, "Yes, I know you all too well Jaejoong. You are also the one that chose success over me. I've learned quite well from you." I made my face cold as stone and I turned, leaving out the cafe to my car without any stopping me.

     Once I returned, back to my apartment, I didn't want to contact anyone unless it was Taeyeon, but she never answered any of my calls. I suppose...I would have to face her head to head, to find out the main reason she couldn't ever forgive me. Even though Tyler told me not to drink, I had brought a bottle of red wine with me. I'm sorry; I just had to drink away these problems, just for a short moment. It was just too much to carry on my shoulders. There was another reason she couldn’t forgive me. What happened?

     If I could never find out, I would be suffocated to the point where I couldn't breathe.