PROMISE

     February was the month of purification, a month of love. Around this time you can tell there is a slight change in the frosty air since spring would be coming quite soon, but the change I felt was much colder. Sometimes I wondered if anything changed at all. Since September 29th of 2014, I've been casted aside and even right now as I dug my way back,  I still feel that I'm alone. Sure, I had my fans, family and even my lover...but I was still missing the biggest piece out of my life. That piece was my fans, family and even my lover when I didn't have any back in that distant time.

     I also couldn't help, but to think off all the words that were said to me, and mostly the ones regarding Taeyeon kept replaying in my head as if it was my favorite song. In contrast, I was a song that Taeyeon hated to hear and yet it was being replayed all over the world. It seemed what Mr. Youngmin told me about Taeyeon was dreadfully true. These two years that I’ve been gone, Taeyeon has been through a tough battle and yet she still acts as if she is so strong. That pride of hers still hasn’t weakened down and I wonder if that was truly her weakness rather than strength that she believed in.

     Constantly, repeatedly it was the fans that were throwing their cruel words like rocks at Taeyeon. Upon the released news of me being ‘kicked’ out of SNSD, there was a boycott by the fans and even a strike outside of SM Entertainment. I had seen it on the news website, showing the video of teenage girls and even boys who had signs of Taeyeon’s face with an X on it. They declared to replace Taeyeon with me instead. There was even a petition of more than 100,000 signatures and regardless, there wasn’t the slightest change on my part.

     It all just leaded to Taeyeon to become the most hated person in K-Pop by those fans. Even at the Seoul Music Awards in 2014, it showed how bad her luck was. TTS, rather than SNSD had won the Bonsang Award. When they were leaving the stage after their performance of Holler, Taeyeon had fallen one meter through a hole quite badly that came from a lift on the stage being removed suddenly. The officials of Seoul Music Awards had apologized and claimed that the communication of the production team wasn’t coordinated properly. It was released by SM, that Taeyeon’s waist had went into shock and had minor injuries to her legs, but I truly knew what it felt like to have a shock waist. It was hell and I went through it before in our trainee days. I wondered if Taeyeon remembered that.

     Regardless, the subunit, TTS was still showing their popularity, but I was wondering why SNSD itself was not showing as much success. Even after such events, she smiled and acted as if they never happened in the world, and that even included my forced departure of SNSD. I was always the one who was always claimed to have a heart of ice, but now when I think to myself, I see who the one who truly had one.

     During that time, I was having multiple fan meetings and making connections with Americans and other foreigners for my fashion brand such as Nicole Kidman and Jay Chou. I can’t say it was easy, because I wasn’t acceptable in many eyes. Just as Tyler told me to do, I kept moving forward with a fan signing event as the creative director for my fashion company. Due to so much traffic, I was late to the event, which caused it be started late as well. I kept a bright smile and the words the fans told me, cause me to shed that Ice Queen image even more. By the end of the event the tears that I’ve been trying to hide had been released when I told them my thanks. I can still remember clearly as if it just happened yesterday.

     I was looking into the many joyful eyes that were accepting and even pushing me to become successful. It was just recently when everyone I trusted had stabbed me in my back and I had to turn around too late to realize it was my friends who had done so. Even before I came to this event, I had seen a picture uploaded by Taeyeon on her Instagram. She was already promoting a t-shirt that had eight members on it.

      "Thank you, how many times are you making me cry today? Thank you for today, and I will read each and every one of these letters you’ve given to me today. I will create many events where we can meet more often." I had found myself embarrassed after releasing such emotions, that I hid myself behind the sign I was holding.

    After the event, there was hate thrown like arrows at me by the reporters since I was late and the press couldn't actually take pictures once the fan signing was underway, and they were only given a 10 second time period to take photos for a brief photo-time before the signing. In a result from their fury, they boycotted in their own way, which was by not releasing in photos of the event.

     They also complained about there was no organizer or someone in charge to take care of various issues. Just as they thought, it was solely handled by me and Blanc & Eclare. I didn’t want any hands in this by SM Entertainment. What does SM Entertainment have to do with my fashion business? The reporters cruelly wrote if this why I had become an outcast and questioned if this was my way of drawing a line with my agency and to keep this up. Well their questions got answered now, didn’t they?

     The fans stood up for me as well, stating that they should be embarrassed, but that wasn’t the time to feel such embarrassment. It should be now that I’ve earned the title of the ‘Next Vera Wang’ or the most Successful Asian Artist. I’ve won the 7^th Style Icon Awards as Top 10 Style Icons, Yahoo Asia Buzz Awards as the Most Searched Korean Female Artist, and Sohu Fashion Awards as the Asian Fashion Icon in 2014. In 2015 I won the Global Fashion Awards of Breakthrough Talent: Future Designers Award. In 2016 I won the Hall of Fame Outstanding achievement and Andre Leon Talley Lifetime Achievement Award. And lastly, in the beginning of this year 2017 I won the Council of Fashion Designers of America. That award was basically the Oscars of Fashion Award. Right now, at home, I had each remarkable trophy aligned on a display cabinet.

     TTS had become the ambassadors of Fashion Kode 2016 and right after that; she had been pushed back at a step when a horrid scandal came out. It was claimed that Big Bang’s G-Dragon and SNSD’s Taeyeon had a one night stand at the New Year’s Party. I didn’t want to believe a rumor since she was already dating Baekhyun, but there were pictures of them making out in the club and even G-Dragon leading her into a hotel room.

     Everyone was on fire from the fans SM and YG Entertainment. Everyone believed that G-Dragon was dating Kiko and I knew it was a fact. I had met Mizuhara Kiko at the Sohu Fashion Awards along with Ex-Member Kris of Exo, which was group under SM Entertainment as well. The only difference was that he decided to leave, while I was forced to leave. Kris can even by my witness, since we were chatting with Kiko together. She had bragged about her boyfriend and from the years of news from seeing them together, I egged her by saying her boyfriend was G-Dragon. She giggled and nodded in agreement, since we were all fellow celebrities. That was how I knew this was really bad.

     SM &YG both responded in a mirrored way, by saying that the picture of them kissing was false. The darkness of the picture made it hard to plainly say it was G-Dragon and Taeyeon. Nonetheless, the second picture showed clearly G-Dragon holding Taeyeon around her waist as she leaned on him for support to a hotel room. They said, that G-Dragon said that Taeyeon had drunk too much at the Hallyu New Year’s Party. He then took her to a room, so she could regain her consciousness. Hours later, her Manager that was notified a long time ago had received G-Dragon’s call late and came to pick her up.

     It seemed like a well planned response from the agencies and even most of the fans didn’t believe it, well the VIP fans that is. They bashed her on her Instagram, Twitter and simply everywhere. They even used the performance she did on Christmas Day that was believed to be a tribute for a Baekhyun, which was a Cater to You, Destiny’s Child Cover. That’s not the only thing, there was so many things held against her, including the verbal fight she had with 2NE1’s CL backstage in 2015.

    It seemed as if Taeyeon was digging a grave for herself and I so badly wanted to refill that grave. It wasn’t her time and yet what could I do? Even right now, I don’t know what to do.

    Back in the present, I was still somehow alive to be able to walk under the overhead sign that read SMTOWN in big letters on a pink star figure and pass the clear doors after gaining access. Last night, I had insomnia since I was trying to piece the past together to figure out the other reason why Taeyeon never forgave me. The only conclusion I came to which was when Jaejoong told me that Taeyeon and I were different. What made us different? It was something that I just couldn’t figure out and I came to a decision which was to find out what it was.

     The only way to do that was if I stayed in the group and yes, that meant I would have to go head to head with Taeyeon. I know the rain and even the thunder are threatening to come upon me, but it was something I was willing to go through. If I didn’t at least do this much, all those awards and years would suddenly become meaningless. Taeyeon is just not anyone. She’s my friend, my best friend, my sister, my team mate. I don’t care what happened. That was how I was going to see her till the end and even right now I was her enemy to Taeyeon, but I felt it was better than nothing. We were at least were something to one another, rather than nothing.

     With a fashionable black top hat on my hair of long loose curls, a button up armless leopard shirt and loose black slacks along with close toed wedge heels, I made my presence known in the SM Entertainment building. My solo debut would have come one day soon; it was just sooner and the time to prepare for it was now. I carried a matching black and white leopard messenger bag on my side, which consisted of the items I would need for planning.

    The interior of SM building had changed significantly and I felt I was on a school field trip as I walked around, following the hot pink arrows to the studio rooms. On my way toward the studio rooms I saw a big poster of all 8 members except me in a poster, which came from their Diamond Come Back last year. Their main song was I’m a Diamond and many fans disliked the sound of it, just as they did in 2015 Catch Me If You Can. Catch Me If You Can kind of reminded me of that time when I was already practicing for TTS song and I was suddenly pulled out of it. Yes, that time was just like it was then.

    There were many times that things occurred in my life like Déjà Vu. I continued to the studio rooms and there were only five of them. I entered each one and I came at the wrong timing, because each one was preoccupied by the following: SM Trainees, Red Velvet, Exo, M&D, and lastly Amber & Taeyeon.

     When I had opened the door, her hands were posted up on the equipment of the studio as she leaned over looking at Amber’s screen. She had turned her head around and immediately her eyes had been replaced with that joyous spirit to grotesque disgust. Amber had turned around in the office chair she was sitting in and big smile bloomed upon her lips without realizing how Taeyeon was staring at me. “Jessica! I heard you were back! I’m so glad!” She exclaimed as she stood up and rushed to hug me with a great welcome.

     Taeyeon mockingly and silently laughed at the scene as she crossed her arms and leaned her lower body against the recording equipment. I dryly laughed as I kept looking at Taeyeon. I wanted to ask her, but how could I here?

     Amber pulled back from the hug to observe me and I finally met her eyes as I observed her as well. As usual, she had her tomboy look with blonde hair and wore hipster black shorts and big blue starry shirt. “Krystal told me that you would be meeting with Mr. Youngmin and I guess it worked out, right?” She presumed and kept smiling just as bright. Amber was always nice towards me, she was nice to everyone really, but she was in same group with my sister Krystal.

    “Yes, I heard you were having a solo debut as well,” I laughed lightly, still uncomfortable from the gaze of abhorrence towards me in the room.

     “Yep! It’s about time to recognize that this llama has got some talent of its own,” She said with a bit of humor as she crossed her arms. I chuckled naturally and respectfully bowed my head towards Taeyeon. Why was she here?

     “Oh, Taeyeon is here. I almost forgot,” Amber snapped and turned around to look at Taeyeon who suddenly put a bright smile. I wasn’t sure if my heart had cracked or became darker from her sudden two faced act, but I had to understand that there was another reason.

     “Yeah, your kid leader will be featuring on my song too. It was decided so soon yesterday, that we had so many changes to make,” She voluntarily added on and I awkwardly laughed again. Amber should already know that our relationship wasn’t well. Everyone knew.

     “Well…I’ll get going. I will just wander around till a recording room is open,” I said and began to leave immediately.

     “Alright, get ready to shake that brass when here this song Sica,” She singed out with her charming personality and I weirdly laughed once more as I escaped that suffocating tension. I would have thought I would die if I stayed any longer. Aigoo, this isn’t going to do me any good.

     Just like I said, since I didn’t have a choice, I took a tour around the newly renovated SM building. It gave a new, fresh and sophisticated look with its upgraded and unique interiors. Somehow I found myself near the studio rooms and over thirty minutes had passed since my self-made tour. I decided I would go take a look if any of the studio rooms were available after I fetch myself a bottle of water.

     Where I had seen the vending machine before, I went around the corner and heard the ruckus of a fist smashing against metal. That was then I saw a small shape of male and his wild style dark hair from the back. It seemed as if he was agitated, while he kept banging against the vending machine. “Uhmm…Hello?” I said awkwardly as I leaned my head over, trying to figure out why this man was banging against the vending machine. Was it broke or did it steal his money? That was the only assumptions I could make and when he turned around, my eyes widened. In a matter of seconds, a light bulb came in my head and I reflected the sudden smile on his lips.

     “Jessica,” he spoke surprised, compared from his agitated growls he was just making at the vending machine.

     “Baekhyun,” I spoke back in reply as my feet quickly came in front of him. If anyone knew Taeyeon and cared for her more than anyone, it would be Baekhyun. His creamy white skin suddenly glowed with his deep brown eyes that were brought out by eyeliner, one of his makeup aspects that made him Baekhyun.

     “It’s been a long time. I mean really long!” He exaggerated out and gave his loud, big laugh. I nodded as I tucked my hair behind my hair, slightly shy. Just as a known massive talker he was, he quickly added on.

     “We almost had a sub-unit before you left, maybe that can happen again!” He spoke with his cheeks, just as he always did and I was ready to jump on to talking about Taeyeon, but I had to ease it in.

     “Y-Yes. We should catch up, but what was with you and the vending machine?” I asked with a small giggle as I pointed at the vending machine. He turned and showed the shock of being caught in the action. Showing how embarrassed he was, he placed his hand on the nape of his neck while looking down. “Oh, well I put in a dollar and every time I press the button for the water, it doesn’t do anything and yet I can see the water. Can’t you see it?” He asked, trying to justify his action and I laughed with a nod.

     “Yes, I see it. There’s another vending machine, by the coffee room,” I told him and offered to go there together. He simply nodded and we went together. After getting our bottled water successfully, we went into one of the see through rooms, to sit at the table and talk.

     “You are definitely my role model Noona! I want to start a makeup line for the men here in Korea,” He stated and I choked up on my water, hearing him fan girl over me.

     “Ha, well I believe it can be possible,” I spoke dryly as I looked down at the water, instead of his face.

     “Yeah, it could be. But, we are already having problems in Exo as it is. I wouldn’t want to stir up another controversy, since we are losing members like dominos,” He spoke sadly and I looked up at him, to see his gloomy eyes.

     I shared the same emotions he had and gave a hopeful smile. “Just keep fighting, just like I am,” I said and his eyes showed a reaction to my words.

     “Even though…you are back in SNSD, you still have to fight Noona? Is it Taeyeon?” He asked and when he said Taeyeon’s name, I could sense the wrath within him. But, now thinking logically with the One Night Stand Scandal, it made sense. Did they break up?

     “Baekhyun…I want to ask you a question about Taeyeon. Can you answer that for me?” I asked and looked at him with desperation.

     “If it can help you, I will.” He spoke with such honesty and I found myself suddenly crying. Instantly, I looked away and held my mouth from the weeps. Finally…someone could tell me and I could solve all of this. I can make us one again. I can make us divine. I can make us complete.

     Baekhyun had felt he had done something wrong and instantly came to my side, holding both of my arms on the side. “What’s wrong Jessica,” He asked, speaking naturally just as I allowed him years ago. I shook my head, wanting to stop crying, but I was suddenly stopped when someone entered, with the door slamming against the durable glass.

     “Byun Baekhyun and Jessica Jung!” Taeyeon screamed with her nose and ears turning red instantaneously, be it from anger or sudden sadness. I couldn’t tell which one it was when I saw her eyes filling with water, but her lips were shaking in fury.

     Immediately, I pushed Baekhyun hands off of me to stand up, looking at Taeyeon with guilt. From the glass, I could see Heechul standing there with her as he held two cans of energy juice, meaning they just came from the vending machine as well. Why did this happen now? Not again. Please.

     “I told you to give me some space Taeyeon. Why the hell did you interrupt?” Baekhyun spoke brutally so suddenly, that I didn’t know what to do, but to mutter.

     “It’s not what it-“ I was cut of instantly as Taeyeon looked at me, like she did a long time ago. Looks like?” She finished my words for me and then looked away from me with such distrust.

     “Baekhyun what were you doing with her just now?” She asked as if she was about to break.

     He looked away with his eyes showing distress, and then he replied in a way where I could have almost fallen down to my knees.

     “Why? You want to know if I was about to kiss her?” He asked her nastily and stepped closer to Taeyeon whose hands were shaking at this point.

     “Were you?” She asked

     He leaned in closer with a smirk upon his lips and replied.

      “Maybe I was.”

      “Just answer me directly Baekhyun!” She began to scream and Heechul came in the room, trying to spot a way to stop this, but even he couldn’t.

      “Why should I? I don’t even think we are dating anymore, since you made your New Year’s Resolution to be a ,” He whispered like an evil snake and was stopped from his cruel words by Heechul.

      “That’s enough Baekhyun!” Heechul spoke with authority as his Hyung and Baekhyun looked in his eyes with anger not for him, but for her.

     He simply huffed out a breath and barged out the room quickly, leaving me before a crying woman. “Ah!” She screamed out loudly, to release some steam, but it wasn’t enough. Without a word passing her lips, she looked at me with cold eyes, colder than she had before.

      “T-Taeyeon,” I whispered her name and I wanted her to understand, but she wouldn’t listen to me. Like the wind, she turned and disappeared to a place where I couldn’t reach her. I could never reach her heart. Heechul looked at me apologetically and looked as if he wanted to say something, but he had gone after Taeyeon, which was his one of his best friends as well.

     The only thing I did was fall in the seat that I had risen from, while I just stared there at the black and white tile, lost in its dull colors. Just like that, I sat there wondering how I could rewind if I couldn’t fix this. Suddenly, I felt hopeless. What if all this was for nothing? What if I hurt Taeyeon more than I had in the past? But, what if I did nothing, where would that get us? At this point, I had lost my mind.

     I had only finally regained my grip on life, when there was an entry of people into the room where I was, which was a break room.

      “Uhmm, Unnie are you okay?” I suddenly heard this question asked and I looked up shocked to see five young blonde girls before me. As if I had just come from out of water, I had to get adjusted to what just happen not long ago.

      “O-Oh, I’m fine,” I spoke unsure of myself as I looked at the young faces of SM’s newest girl group Red Velvet. They were having their comeback, for their album Ice Cream Cake and that was why one of the rooms of the studio was occupied.

      “We heard that you will be working on your solo. We wish you luck and two of the studios are now open, you can go use it now if you like,” Their leader Irene told me as she was holding a lunch box for all of them.

     Awkwardly, I stood up and looked at the doorway where I had just seen Taeyeon looking at me with those hurt eyes.

      “Are you not going?” She asked and I shook my head as I wiped my eyes away.

      “I’ll be going,” I replied in a faint voice and walked out the room quickly with my bag, to the studio room. It seemed as if Taeyeon had left, since the last studio room where she and Amber were working on was empty.

     I simply sat in the comedy black chair as I looked in the voice room, where a silver microphone was with headphones placed on top of it.

      “Could I reach that heart perhaps through a song?” I asked myself and instantly took out my laptop, notebooks and music sheets to begin my expedition of forgiveness. I might want to give up, but I can’t.

     For two days I hadn’t seen Taeyeon and focused solely on this song. This had to be the song to reach Taeyeon’s heart. I wanted to win this competition of course, so I could stay in the group, but right now this was for Taeyeon. That was most important and she had to hear it.

     Within those three days, I chose a concept, wrote the lyrics and I was still in the process of composing the song. It had to match perfectly as I altered parts of the lyrics to fit. I didn’t eat properly and didn’t hardly sleep either, simply because I had only one month. One month to go through the process of a debut or simply a comeback preparation process which were the following steps:

1. Decide on Concept
2. Write Lyrics
3. Compose Music
4. Choreography
5. Choose Fashion, Scenery, and Plot for a MV
6. Promotion

     While I was getting those done, I would have to get my name in the news more such as going on shows or performing covers. Due to me just coming back in SNSD, it would seem that I didn’t have to do nothing, but I did so anyway since Tyler called me recently, stating that I should do so.

     It was February 4^th and it was the day that Kim Taeyeon was bashed once more. I knew in that moment she hated me more than ever. The day before, she had performed a cover with our SNSD Member Sunny of Ma Boy, which is originally sung by another popular girl group’s subunit SISTAR19. She is also sung an OST that she did for a drama.

     The reaction from the fans was of dogs and attacked them like innocent children thrown in the streets. I saw the video where they were showing difficulty to sing the song, but it was well for a cover in my opinion. But, once more in my opinion her voice didn’t match it as the original singers did. Her OST was perfection thought, but the comments were horrible. I was glad to see a few people still supporting her, but the scale weighed heavier on the negative side. Why wasn’t SM declaring to sue those fans for malicious comments? But, regardless I was brought to tears from Taeyeon’s OST, Can you hear me. I was the person that was hearing her, but she didn’t want me to hear. What was I to do then?

Even small pains make me teary

My heart cries out

When I pass by you

You are the whole world

I dream for only you

I hold my breath in front of you

Just like you and I aren’t meant to be

Just like it’s merely a moment passing by

You pass by me so easily

Even if I can’t go up

And take just a step

You make me walk around

You make me cry

Like an idiot, like a child

Just laugh it off

The closer I get

More scared I get

But this love cannot be stopped

Why is it just my love that is slow?

Why is it just my love that is hard?

Even if I’m by your side

You are the whole world

I look at only you

I stare into distance in front of you

Just like you’re the end for me

Just like you’re my last moment

You pass by me so easily

Even if I can’t go up

And take just a step

You make me walk around

You make me cry

Like an idiot, like a child

Just laugh it off

The closer I get

More scared I get

But this love cannot be stopped

From far away

If I can stare at you just for a moment

That is love

When this waiting and yearning gets you
and you can hear it

Just pretend nothing happened

The closer I get to you more scared I get

But this love cannot be stopped

     The words she sung were the words of truth for me. This love that I have for Taeyeon simply can’t be stopped and I promise it won’t.

     I decided to take a break from the studio for once to go see my sister Krystal at a new café; she had been dying to go with me for the longest. We decided to wear matching blue jean jacket set that I made for us both, to help promote my brand more if we were to have our pictures taken. The café that she told me to go was nonetheless the one I had went with Jaejoong and Xia. Just the thought of them made me depressed, but I went there for my little sister. I wondered what was with everyone in Korea wanting to come to cafes; I preferred fancy places where they served wine and cocktails.

     Being the first to arrive, I took a seat and ordered the special from the menu, while I waited for Krystal to make her arrival. I sat here thinking of that time I was with Jaejoong and yes I was still angry for him not telling me. I was already willing to let go of that day he broke up with me and told me that he chose success over me, but I did have Baekhyun who was willing to tell me. But, I felt that I could never talk to Baekhyun ever since that happened a few days ago. How could I?

     Those eyes…those eyes were looking at me…just as I in the past was looking at her…

      “Unnie!” My name was exclaimed and I almost swore I had a baby when I was mentally slapped out of my thoughts. I glared up at Krystal and she stuck out her tongue in a playful matter as she took a seat in front of me.

      “What have you been thinking about that you haven’t even touched your coffee? It’s not even steaming anymore,” she stated in her care-free voice as she leaned over to turn the handle of the coffee so she could take it. When she did, she tasted it and her nose scrunched up.

      “Omo, it really is cold,” She complained and raised her hand up, to call the waitress back over. “Can I get two cappuccinos and the sweet cinnamon rolls,” She said to the waitress who nodded and went to go take the order.

     She then crossed her hands over one another and propped her elbows on the table, before she let her pointed chin rest on her hands as she delved into my affairs. “So…what were you thinking about?” She asked with a tilt of her head, making herself look even cuter in the red and white plaid shirt she wore under the blue jean jacket, while I had a blue and white striped shirt.

      “Nothing, that concerns you,” I teased and leaned over to get my coffee back. I sipped it and frowned. Black coffee certainly didn’t taste good cold.

      “Aniya, you can’t lie to this little sister of yours,” She said with a pointed finger and sat back in the chair for a change. “Come on tell me what that bully Taeyeon did this time,” She presumed and I sighed. If I had to tell anyone, it would be her.

      “Well, three days ago, I went to the SM’s studio rooms and they were all taken, so I took a stroll around since it was newly renovated,” I said to her and she nodded, completely listening.

      “When I went to get a bottle of water, I had met up with Baekhyun. We both then went to go talk and then I started crying when he said he would tell me something about Taeyeon I wanted to know. He was so worried, that he got up and held both of my arms to see what was wrong. That was the moment Taeyeon had came in and everything went wrong,” I said as I remembered that ill fated moment. Krystal threw her head way back and nodding with an open mouth, continuing to understand.

      “It seems every since Taeyeon’s scandal with G-Dragon came out it seems that their relationship has went bad. He had even said that her new year’s revolution was to be a and when Taeyeon asked him if he was about to kiss me, he said maybe he was. Taeyeon left without a word and now I’m in a shamble,” I complained and lowered my head in shame.

      “Serves her right,” Krystal said and paused when our cappuccinos and cinnamon rolls were placed on the tables by the waitress.

      “Yah!” I shouted and looked instantly at the few people who were in the café suddenly staring at me. With a slight embarrassed sigh, I looked back at Krystal who was already nibbling on a cinnamon roll.

      “What? It’s true,” she spoke with full and I was about to get on her about eating with full, but I let it go.

      “Taeyeon doesn’t deserve any of this,” I stated that as a proven fact and unhappily looked down in the heart shape made in the cappuccino from its crème.

      “She kicked you out of SNSD. She fought with CL of 2NE1 for no reason. She’s corrupted SNSD’s songs and stole the light at that, making a bad light. She cheated on Baekhyun. She slept with Big Bang’s G-Dragon. She stole Ailee’s song,” She counted on her fingers and then looked at me, showing that she was justified.

      “That’s eight things and probably more that I don’t know about yet,” She sighed and took a break from talking to begin drinking her hot cappuccino.

     I sighed once more and was about to make an excuse for her, but what excuse was there for her? There was none, but wait…

     What do you mean by stole Ailee’s song?” I asked her and she put her cup of cappuccino down without a sound.

      “Eat a cinnamon roll and I’ll tell you,” She bargained and pointed at the plate of cinnamon rolls that were there. I sighed again and ate one to satisfy her.

     As if this was some top secret mission, she leaned over the table and whispered, “Amber told me that she originally had Ailee to sing in her debut song for Shake That Brass, but at the last minute Taeyeon got Mr. Youngmin to order Taeyeon to do it instead. They had even already finished recording and yet they had to start recording all over. Taeyeon had made an offer to Ailee to sing at Amber’s live performances in place of her, which was mocking her. They had no choice, but to go with it,” She finished whispering and leaned back over to stuff her face more.

     I looked away completely disappointed and shook my head. Is there any end to you Taeyeon? Why do you still play these unfair games? Didn’t you do that to me when I was supposed to be in TTS and out comeback Catch Me If You Can.? I don’t want you to be that bad person…please, stop. But, my voice was unheard.

      “I see…” I begin to whisper and blindly drunk the cappuccino.

      “Ah!” I shouted when I burnt my tongue and Krystal busted out laughing.

      “Yah!” I spoke in pain as I was holding my tongue, but I couldn’t help smile to see my sister smile for a change. Keep smiling like that Krystal Jung. I only want you to smile like that. At least I can make you smile.

***

     My home was the SM’s recording studio that I found myself back in, changing the sounds of instruments that I was using in my song and I had only been interrupted by the ding of my phone. With a small thanks to the break, I found that gratitude as I looked at the newly update of feed on my Instagram.

     Yes, I had followed her and now I was really following her as I grabbed my coat to leave the SM building. Taeyeon_ss newest feed was a picture of five people holding hands in a circle with their heads bowed as a man that looked like a preacher held a bible with his head bowed. The one person they were praying for was that sweet little girl I use to laugh with. How could this happen to her? She looked so frail, so sick and all that long hair she use to have was gone as she wore a pink hat.

     Taeyeon’s Instagram read: Please pray for my sister Hayeon. She’s been battling a brain tumor and tonight she is going under surgery. Please let god be with my little sister. Please pray.

     I’m praying even as I run Taeyeon. I’m praying for you and your sister.

     By the time I had made it to the hospital, I was told that the surgery had already had begun and that she was in critical condition. I had started to go in the waiting room, where I saw Taeyeon and her family clinging on to one another for help, but I decided it was best for me to stay on the outside. I would pray just as she told everyone to do.

     I waited in the waiting area where patients were kept for a doctor’s appointment, keeping all the hope I can and delivering the prayers in place. It had been almost three hours that night, when I heard another ding from my phone. At the same time, I took out my phone and began to walk where their family was.

     Then I paused in my steps as a tear escaped down my cheeks and a smile rose upon my lips.

     Taeyeon_ss: Thank you everyone. The Kim family can now be in peace. Surgery: Successful. Thank You.

     As I kept grinning, I had paused in my steps when I heard my name gasped by someone older. I looked up and saw the teary eyes of an old ahjumma. “Jessica,” Taeyeon’s mother whispered my name and came over to me as I saw Taeyeon next to her with reddened eyes.

      “I haven’t seen you since you were so small and frail,” She said as she started to touch me, but Taeyeon quickly came up, holding her hand.

      “Don’t touch her,” Taeyeon still spoke with such hatred and that crack that was still there in my heart, got deeper, so deep that I thought I would eventually fall into it.

      “What has gotten into you?” Her mother asked outraged and her father said the same thing as he was coming down the hallway.

      “Jessica go away!” Taeyeon began to scream at me and I stepped back hurt.

      “I just came to pray…” I started to say in defense, but stopped.

      “We don’t need your prayers!” Her voice got higher as pointed her finger at me angrily and I raised my hand to her mother who was about to get on to her.

      “It’s okay. This is not my place to be, especially since I’m not wanted here or family. It was nice seeing you again and I wish Hayeon to recover quickly,” I spoke and turned around, to leave that burning eyesight.

     Even if Taeyeon didn’t want me here, I was still glad I came; now it was time for me to leave. It seemed that I was crying every single day now. That definitely wasn’t healthy no matter what, but I still did and worked through tears. I just hoped all of this would be futile, that’s why I’m working so hard Taeyeon. I’m doing this not for me or SNSD, but for you.

***

     The next day, fans were showing their sympathy online through words and now the scale of love was higher than hate. I was glad. That same day, I had passed the box rooms of SM, where Taeyeon was recording for Shake That Brass. She knew I was there watching, but she didn’t say anything and focused on the camera-man. She looked very pretty and I was glad she was working hard, but not in the way Krystal had told me she did. I began to wonder if I should go apologize to Ailee for her, but wouldn’t Taeyeon get mad at me?

     As I was passing other rooms, it seemed as if everyone was having a comeback in same time range. There was my solo and Taeyeon’s solo, Amber’s solo, Eunhyuk and Donghae’s Comeback, Red Velvet’s comeback, Exo’s comeback, but no F(x) comeback. I wonder how Krystal felt about that. Should I push for her to have a solo as well? She could sing, rap, dance had the looks and popularity; she could easily become a successful solo artist.

     From there, I went back to the studio and worked harder as the hours passed. This would combine everything from the moment we met and after we pretended we never knew one another before all this. From anything, ranging from drawings and searching information about ourselves, I thought out the lyrics, music and the concept I wanted to have. I had also used a reference from the lyrics I had written when I had been abandoned. Those lyrics were so strong and even right now, I can’t help but work through tears.

     Finally, when it reached eight o’ clock, I got up and decided I would get something to eat and quickly make it back here. There was no time for rest or getting side-tracked, I had only one month to get everything done. As I was straightening the papers I’ve written out and drawn, I heard the cute dinging of my cell phone go off.

     Partially with stress and fatigue still wandering around in me, I sighed as I got my phone out of the messenger bag. A smile instantly rose to my lips and energy sprung out of me from nowhere, when I answered the call. “Tyler!” I had sprung his name out like a child and I found myself instantly embarrassed from doing so. I had just felt so happy; to finally talk to the man I loved. He had helped me so much throughout this and with him, I felt everything would go right and never wrong.

      “Hello Jessica,” He spoke properly in his sophisticated voice and I was ready to tell him everything that I had been doing, but I didn’t have the chance to. I felt that maybe, he was tired of hearing of my problems. I’m sure he had his own and had more weight on him, now that I was gone from New York.

      “Our sales on the sunglasses and scarves are going down, compared to the clothing ware, which affects our partners selling them. I think we’ve been pushing the clothing and purses too much, more than the accessories. I’ve seen you haven’t been visiting the Blanc & Eclare office building there yet. Make sure you do so,” He said and I mumbled, feeling unaccomplished because I’ve been putting it off for the preparation of my solo and the investigation of Taeyeon’s reason.

      “O-Oh okay, I will,” I spoke softly and unsure where to start off of on my personal affairs as he kept talking over me.

      “Tomorrow, you are to go to the building. I have a scheduled a sunglass and scarf shooting for a commercial. Spring is coming soon, so I suggested the thin scarves that you designed during the winter time to be used. Make sure to look at the files that are in your office” He kept pestering of business work and I said the same thing before, waiting for my chance to truly speak.

      “O-Oh okay, I will.”

      “That commercial shooting will be at 11am and should be done by 1pm in the least. There is another shooting you need to do for Vogue to keep your popularity rate soaring and just not the brand itself. The photo shoot will be with your sister Krystal and you will be sponsoring and advertising LAPPATE Handbags at 4pm,” Once more he told me something else to do.

      “O-Okay, but Tyler,” I was starting to lead the conversation somewhere else, but once more he continued talking in that authoritative voice.

      “I also seen you haven’t been updating your Weibo and Instagram lately. That’s your number one contact to your fans; make sure you update every day or every other day. Since your comeback is coming soon, you need to start leaking teasers and-“I cut him off right then and there.

      “This is my comeback! I will do as I please!” I shouted with blood rushing through my veins as I slammed my hand down on the recording equipment, ignoring the pain of my fingers.

     There was sudden silence for a moment and then I heard his audible sigh.

      “Do as I say and everything will go the way you ‘want’ it,” He spoke dirtily and hung up the phone instantly, leaving me with complete silence.

     He hung up on me?

     I had begun to laugh as I ran my hand through my hair and lowered to look at the home screen of my phone, to see the picture of me and him there smiling.

     Then, somehow rain dripped on the phone as I was inside the building. But, that rain didn’t come from the sky, but from my eyes.

     He had never done that to me before. What has gotten into him?

     With angry pressed lips, I took my stuff and left for what I was about to originally do. I can’t let him get in the way of what I was going to do. This was my only chance.

***

     After, taking a shower at home, I changed into comfy clothes and made my way for the photo shoot just as Tyler said. As I would be doing that, I would just be brain storming in my mind to finish all of this. The Blanc & Eclare office building look like the one in New York, but was just a little smaller, but still grand with its many rooms for personal use, shoots and more. Stylishly and dashingly, I simply posed in front of a white drop background as I wore the scarves and sunglasses, laughing like a young teenager.

     I wish I could be a young teenager again, because then I could have never done such a awful thing to Taeyeon. I would have run into a forest somewhere, rather in that dorm where anger and jealousy got the best of me. I had felt that I was right about what she did and I was. But, I was wrong to say those things to her. There was no right in that nowhere.

     At the end of the photo shoot, I ran to my car quickly and took out the notebook, writing down the ideas that ran through my mind and music notes that I could put in the song I was making. With those notes jotted down, I went back to the studio and recorded those thoughts into a song that would influence more than the world.

     Finally, the last thing I had to do was about to be done and I could dedicate myself to figure out how I would go about pre-promotion before it come out. Would I want to bait on everybody or just come out like an explosive bomb?

     It had passed 4pm and I knew I was late as I was running out the parking lot of the photo shoot building Vogue Magazine and its combining fashion magazine partners. My wooden wedge heels clacked against the cement pavement and then the glassy like tile in the building as I was making it to the elevator. Quickly, in a rush I was pressing the elevator over and over, till it finally opened and that increased heart beat was put on brakes so quickly, that I felt my soul flung out my body.

     Everything, from my feet up to my mind had gone away from me as I stood there, with my hand dangling by my side looking at her deep brown eyes that filled with sudden hate. “Are you not getting in?” I heard the female say next to her and I woke up suddenly, to look over at the doll faced woman with long black hair.

      “Y-Yes Tiffany…I’m getting in,” I spoke to my other member of SNSD as my feet slowly managed to walk in the elevator. As I was turning around to face the elevator doors that were closing, I glanced over at Taeyeon whose eyes were looking away from mines now, then I saw her smirk when I had almost fully turned. A sigh extracted from me and I lifted my hand up to press the fifth floor. All I could think about on the way up was to ask Taeyeon why did she really hate me? What did I do? What was the other reason? Should I ask her, even if she refuses?

     My thoughts were running around my so fast, that it blinded me when the elevator doors opened. “Are you not getting off Jessica?” I heard Tiffany’s voice ask me and I woke up once more with a shiver traveling through my body like a tide in the ocean.

      “Oh…yes, I’m getting off,” I managed to say and refused to turn around, to look at Taeyeon. When I finally got out, and the doors shut behind me.  I felt that I was about to fall to my knees instantly. Why did I feel so defenseless to Taeyeon?

     I turned around and looked at the elevator, picturing myself if I had turned around to ask her. “What’s the real reason you can’t forgive me? Is it really too late?” I spoke out and I almost jumped out my when I heard someone reply.

      “It’s because you came late and duh, it’s too late,” A feminine voice spoke in her snappy tone and I turned around as if I had seen a ghost.

      “Krystal!” I exclaimed in whining tone as I held my forehead.

      “What? It’s not my fault, but what’s wrong with you?” She started out with a careless way of speaking to a worried tone.

      “Nothing…” I spoke dryly as I looked away and walked down the hallway, with her following next to me.

      “I’ll find out,” She spoke with reassurance and I rolled my eyes to enter the photo shoot room. There were scattered staff and cameramen in front of three different background drops. I saw a man approach me immediately and spoke to me and Krystal.

      “You’re late. Hurry up and get dress over there. We’ll be shooting in five,” He quickly addressed us and Krystal pushed me by the back to get over to the dressers and make up stylist. After putting on a light pink plaid long sleeved shirt, matching mini skirt and long black boots, I was sitting in front of mirrors. Krystal was sitting on the end table with her legs swinging while I was getting my lip gloss added on by the makeup stylist.

      “Why were you so late? Working on your solo?” She asked and I hummed as my lips were parted. I then closed them, when the makeup artist was then placing the pink beret on top of my hair, which was long curly pigtails, which matched Krystal’s while her Beret was black.

      “I see…if you want any help, just let me know. I’m good at making songs these days, that they are on OST’s,” She bragged in a bratty voice and I chuckled as I stood up from the makeup artist table. Using her strength from her hands, she hopped off the table to stand in front of me in her black and white plaid dress that reached her mid thighs, while she wore long black stockings and short boots. I leaned in and pinched her nose with a big sweet smile on my lips. “You mean an OST you starred in as an actress,” I said and she cried, till I let her nose go. She brought her hand up and snickered at me, then looked in the mirror seeing the redness going away. “Yah! I’ll get my chance for my songs when I get my solo one day,” She said and stood back up properly.

     I brought my hands up and dusted off her shoulders, then smoothed it as I looked in her eyes with affection and yet sorrow. “I promise you’ll get your solo soon. I’ll talk to SM,” I said and she smiled at me in return.

     She was about to reply, but we were cut off by the cameraman screaming his lungs out for us. We shrieked like cats getting their tails pulled and scurried over quickly to get the first take of photos done. Just as Tyler wanted, we posed with the beautiful ‘LAPALETTE’ handbags for advertisement. After four more shoots and switching from cute, chic, classy, and sporty clothes, we were now done.

     Changed back into my comfy light pink, off shoulder blouse and black jeggings, I walked out to the parking lot with Krystal. “Going back to the studio?” She asked me and I nodded with a hum, then I was sidetracked instantly when I saw Taeyeon and Tiffany driving out the parking lot in the same car. My eyes had followed as I saw her joyously laughing with her, and I felt extremely jealous. Tears filled my eyes as I looked away and took out my keys from my purse in frenzy. She never smiles like that with me. The last time she did was almost ten years ago. What a long time.

      “When will you ever get over her? You’re not gay or even Bi are you? If you are, just tell me, it doesn’t matter to me since you’re my sister” I heard Krystal asked me and anger filled me instantly. I turned around and took my fist, hitting her forehead with my knuckles. “Yah! Don’t think like that!” I exclaimed and she whimpered loudly, holding her forehead as she backed up with an angry face.

      “Is it that wrong to want my best friend back? Is it wrong to want to fix everything?” I asked her and stood up to her, wanting her to understand her sister.

     She breathed out angrily and brought her hand down with an attitude. “This ‘friendship’ that you want is like a broken vase Jessica. It may take forever to put the pieces back together, but you can never fix the broken dust that came off with it,” She said, using an example so I could understand.

     I released the bitten lip to step closer to her as tears were already spilling from my eyes. “Taeyeon was there for me when I had no one else. Even if it means my entire life, till I die, I will even chase after that dust so I can fix that broken vase. Even if it means for me to find a time machine or even make one myself, I will do it as long as I breathe. I’ve given up before, but not this time. I won’t ever give up,” I ripped out my lungs and turned around to get in my car instantly after unlocking with a press of my car keys.

     Krystal had stormed off to her car as well and I pushed my keys in the ignition not regretting a word that I said.

     Yes, Taeyeon you are like my sister, like my mother, you’re my best friend and I promise that I won’t ever give up.

     I will fix that broken vase.

     Also, like how Tyler wanted, I posted a message on my Weibo to my fans: “Hello, everyone. I was busy working hard until now~. There'll be a lot more fun things that will happen this year. I'll see you soon~,"

     That same night, I couldn’t help but make a post on my Instagram and it was a picture of when nine girls held hands. It was us, SNSD, Girls Generation. I said along with the post: ‘I Promise’