Together we faded away into the darkness that was locked between sleep and dreams. I hadn’t even realized it, but I had fallen into a deep slumber while watching Taeyeon for such a long time last night. Now my head was laid on my arm that was stretched out on the edge of Taeyeon’s bed, in which my fingers were grazing Taeyeon’s own ever so slightly.

     I could sense movement suddenly and hear a whimpering noise that brought me out of my dark paradise to rescue someone that went past the paradise and to the taboo fruit, which caused all chaos to the world.

     With a soft squint to my eyes, I sat up slowly to see the dim sky from the sun just starting to rise and turned my head, looking towards Taeyeon who was shaking her head with tight eyes.

      “Please…please,” She was constantly repeating to the point that I saw a tears escaping from her eyes while she slept.

     Quickly, I placed my hand on her arm and I looked down, seeing her pulling on the rope restraints on her wrists. I bit down on my bottom lip and pulled on the loose end of the rope, which set her wrists free. There was nothing to worry about since I was here to watch her.

     I got up and ran quickly to the other side of the hospital bed to set her other hand free.

      “There you go,” I whispered and then I placed my hand on her shoulder, shaking her lightly. “Wake up. It’s just a dream, a nightmare,” I kept my low tone of voice with her till she suddenly froze all movement and opened her eyes wide with the release of fears sharp grasps.

      “Taeyeon, it’s me,” I spoke to her and I slowly pulled my hand from her, in which she suddenly grabbed my hand, looking at my direction in the blink of an eye.

      “Don’t leave me,” She cried out in a rush and I could see the crystals spilling down her face like a waterfall.

     I was first rendered speechless as she slowly sat up and she pulled me close to her, in which I just lent towards her till she held up her hand to my ear.

     She then whispered in a shaky voice which just made me gasp. “I had a dream…in that dream some scary people forced me to kill my baby. Someone is going to try to kill my baby. I know it, you have to believe me.”

     My bottom lip quivered in a response to her as I pulled back a few inches to be looking at her flushed face. Did she have a dream of a memory that happened in the past? It seemed like it.

     I wasn’t sure what I could say, because it was true.

      “I’ll protect you,” I said to her with a reassuring smile and lifted my hand up to her face, drying her tears and I hoped my touch wasn’t cold, but warm to her.

      “Y—You will?” She asked with disbelief and gripped on my arm more, in which I just nodded, trying to fight these tears.

      “I will,” I whispered to her and rubbed my lips together.

      “I’m sorry Jessica. You were mad at me because I did that to that birthday gift of yours, right?” She asked me and looked down at her lap, ashamed to even look in my eyes, but no, oh no it is me who doesn’t even deserve to be in your presence.

      “I’m not mad,” I spoke in simple, short words, not knowing what would trigger her reactions or memory.

      “Y-You’re not?” She questioned me in disbelief and the moment she looked up, I looked toward the direction she was. I looked down.

      “I have no right to be mad at you,” I told her humbly and the tears were surfacing my eyes, burning and blurring them like fiery clouds in front of my vision.

      “Jessica…when did you return? Did you not miss me? Do you know how lonely I was without you being around? Do you know how much I thought about you?” She started to question me and my hand jumped in shock itself while it was on her face.

     Were these true words?

      “I really did. It was so hard. I don’t know why, but I remember crying almost every night. Nothing was the same when you left. It still seemed hard when I was having that problem before going on stage, but when I saw you, I swear I saw all my answers,” She expressed to me and I looked up at her, wordless, speechless and even breathless as the rivers streamed into oceans.

      It was just like she wrote in one of her letters. She just wanted to see my smile so she could smile. I just can’t understand that.

       “How can you even like a person like me?” I asked breathlessly and laughed lightly in disbelief. I am even at the point that I don’t even like me.

       “Because you liked a person like me,” She whispered to me and I pressed my lips together, stretching them into my cheeks as I looked away, shaking my head.

       “Because I liked a person like you?” I asked and I lowered my hand from her face to the bed but she kept holding on my arm so I used my other hand to wipe a tear away, hoping she didn’t see it, but what’s the point when the other tears of mines kept showing off?

       “Many people don’t like me Jessica. It’s always been like that,” she spoke in a soft voice filled with melancholy and I tried looking up in her eyes strongly, but she pierced that strength and shattered it to the point it became dust that you couldn’t even grasp any longer.

       “How do you know that?! Name the people that don’t like you,” I spoke boldly despite the wavering tone in my voice and I forced myself to stand up, causing her to lose her grasp on me.

      She looked in the opposite direction and gripped on the sheet, meditating, but she couldn’t even think properly.

       “I-I don’t know who specifically…and that’s how I know there are people that hate me. I just know it,” She kept on and I stomped my foot down hard without thinking.

       “You don’t know anything!” I exclaimed and I saw her shiver from my sudden outburst of anger, in which I looked away myself, running my hand through my hair with frustration, looking out at the sun rising before everyone.

       “Everyone loves you,” I told her in a distressed whisper and I held my chest, expressing myself, because I loved you. If a person like me can love you, why can’t everyone else can? They just didn’t know they did that’s all.

        “You don’t have to lie to me Jessica,” I could her voice breathe out in defeat as if she was drowning in an ocean.

       My tightened grasp on my chest had loosened up as I looked in the reflection of the window, seeing her looking at my direction with a soft earnest smile.

        “That’s how I know you love me. It’s the ones that love you that lie to you and the ones that hate you that tell you the truth, but can you tell me the truth if I just ask?” She asked me and I slowly turned around to her, looking at her with the sun rays splitting from the sides of me.

        “There is something wrong with me, right? I was so shocked after finding out I was pregnant so I ran off to a place that no one could find me. Then there was pain, endless pain that I even wanted to kill myself, but you saved me. You were just in time,” She whispered to me with a smile on her face and I was just being whipped by her own emotions.

       I wasn’t late.

        “Even yesterday a woman came to see me. Her name was Kiko and she told me that the hospital put this incision on my stomach so they would take my baby out. I fought against the nurses, but then my parents and even you were there. I was about to hurt you Jessica. Something is wrong with me, please tell me,” She was begging and I placed my hand on my stomach, trying to handle my breathing.

       The doctor and the nurse told me that I shouldn’t tell Taeyeon at all of anything that we discussed about or it could make her condition worse to the point she could forget everything and go endlessly insane.

       If I don’t tell her…then she might not trust me or feel hurt more.

       Yes Taeyeon, because I love you I will have to lie to you…I’m sorry.

        “That woman lied to you. Kiko is G-Dragons girlfriend and she wanted to drive you crazy because she found out you two slept together. That is not an incision on your stomach, but a stab to your stomach from a fan. You don’t remember what happened after I left at the music show?” I asked with a tilt of my head, hoping she at least remember that.

       She bit down on her bottom lip and looked to her left, thinking, but shook her head. So, it’s true. She can’t remember anything bad.

        “The doctors told me you might not be able to remember since you lost a lot of blood. That happened the night before you found out you were pregnant and ran off. Even though you lost a lot of blood, the baby is still doing okay inside of you. Doesn’t that make sense since you were in the hospital?” I kept trying to persuade her and she trusted me just like that. That was the reason I hurt you more in the first place Taeyeon.

        “I do remember being in the hospital…so…that’s what happened and I just went crazy then…” She whispered as if she was deeply thinking on it and I could tell, but I didn’t want her thinking too much now.

        “Yes and you are all fine now. You just need to take your medicine so you can get even better,” I reassure her with a bright smile and took a step closer to her.

      “So…what about my baby…I know…it has to belong to Baekhyun…since he was the only man I was with…since 9 weeks ago,” She spoke quickly, making she to add on that small detail. But, that baby could belong to Jiyong and then just maybe Baekhyun.

     Just go along with it Jessica or you will make her more confused and worried.

     “Of course, it belongs to Baekhyun. Who else’s could it be?” I agreed and walked over to sit back by the bed, looking at her directly, but I felt tremendously guilty.

      “T-Then just like in my dream, won’t Mr. Youngmin want me to a-abort my child? There were people forcing a pill in my mouth and t-then b-blood,” she was stuttering tremendously as her hands were beginning to quake and I quickly placed my hands over hers.

      “Stop it,” I demanded and she looked at me instantly with big eyes that should belong to an innocent child and she was in my eyes.

      “Didn’t I tell you I will protect you since I’ve return Taeyeon? Do you not trust me anymore?” I asked and she gasped.

      “Of course I trust you!” She exclaimed and I was glad to see those tears that were once in her eyes evaporate.

     I nodded with an approving smile and I gripped on her hands. “I’ll take care of Mr. Youngmin. Don’t worry about anything. I’ll take care of all your problems, because I have all the answers,” I told her, quoting what she just told me.

     She in a deep breath of relief and nodded, parting her lips to speak but she was silenced by a knock suddenly on the door.

     I turned my head in the direction and then saw the door slide open with a nurse pushing a cart inside. “Good morning. I see you stayed overnight Ms. Jung,” The hospital’s nurse told me with a bright smile as she rolled the cart on the opposite side of the bed.

     “Good morning to you as well Ms. Kim. Are you feeling well?” She asked Taeyeon in which she looked at her almost lost. I guess this situation would be quite weird.

     “A-Ah, yes,” She spoke in a jittery voice and I moved my hands as the nurse was pushing a bed side table over Taeyeon’s lap.

     Taeyeon scooted against the head of the hospital bed more and I almost chuckled from how she was basically drooling from the breakfast food being placed on the table that was in a tray.

     “I’ve brought you your breakfast and your medicine. Eat first and then take the medicine. This medicine is to help you and your newly arriving one,” She giggled and I was glad that nurses had such nice personas. They always made you felt welcomed and rest assured besides your illnesses or sicknesses.

     Taeyeon just nodded and began eating after the nurse left, in which I silently just watch her stuff greedily.

     To not have been eating for four days, she had lost even so much weight that her jaws in. It already seemed before this that she was starving herself so she could look well for her solo debut.

      I remember how much she use to hate how her cheeks were always thin, but I always thought she was so beautiful with them, but now I must agree. She needs more weight on her and I’ll make sure she eats to her hearts contents.

     She was eating for two now anyway. But…How does it feel to be pregnant Taeyeon? I couldn’t relate to that all, but I can only imagine the pain and the fear.

     If anything her fear hasn’t truly kicked in. She hasn’t thought about her career, about Girl’s Generation, the fans, her parents and how this will affect her life. It will be the most unexpected expedition she will take in life.

     “A-Are you hungry?” She had suddenly asked me, shaking me out my thoughts and I just stared at her for a moment, just comprehending what she told me.

     There she goes again worrying about me, when she is the one in a worse condition. Why couldn’t you be selfish for once…and not hurt yourself at the same time?

     “I’m not,” I replied to her softly and sighed with a smile of endearment as I reached, picking up her carton of apple juice to put the straw in it for her.

     “Take your medicine,” I told her and handed her the carton, in which she gave me a smile that melted my heart just like ice cream.

     Her cute, small hand reached over, taking the carton like a little kid, but to only drop it the next second in complete shock. My eyes quickly went to her face and it looked as if she had seen a ghost, because she was turning pale even more than she was before.

     My eyes traced her vision to behind me and my smile dripped from my lips as I turned around slowly, seeing Jiyong standing there, looking at Taeyeon.

     Immediately, I stood up and turned around my feet, quite shocked from his silent entrance.

     “When did you come?” I asked kind of confused on this situation and took a quick glance at Taeyeon to see her turn her head from him with a tightened expression on her face. She didn’t want to see him.

     My eyes had caught the spill of the apple juice of the bed and I picked up the carton, putting it on her bed side table before it would make a bigger mess.

     “Just now,” He muttered under his breath and I turned my head at him shortly as I was now dabbing the wet splotches in her bed with a napkin.

     As I was doing so, I remembered Jiyong telling me that she didn’t remember him and him being around might trigger her memories.

     “You should go,” these were my thoughts spoken out loud by Taeyeon coldly and I stood up slowly with the napkins being clenched in my hand gradually.

     “Should I?” Jiyong asked in a hurt voice and Taeyeon’s lips shivered as if she was about to cry.

     “You really should,” I breathed out and walked towards Jiyong, but his eyes were locked on Taeyeon.

     “You aren’t going to regret it?” He kept talking to Taeyeon and I snickered, grasping his arm while I glared up at him sharply.

     “No, I won’t!” Her voice rose up more and I whipped my head around, quite devastated at the way Taeyeon was looking at Jiyong with a sea covering her eyes.

     Jiyong snatched away from my grasp nastily and huffed out hot air. “You will,” He stated simply and turned around, leaving out the room in which I followed him I which he was storming down the hallway with fury.

     “Jiyong stop!” I yelled so loudly that it echoed down the hallway and he instantly turned like a tornado, in which his black blazer jacket flipped with the sound of leather being slapped by the wind.

     “What do you have to say to me?” He asked angrily and I sighed, looking away. I guess no one was going to make this easy for me, but I shouldn’t expect it to be. I don’t deserve it. Yes, everyone keep pouring their wrath on me like hot syrup.

     “Don’t do that again,” I said with a shake of my head as he his lips, looking away.

     “Are you telling me not to show up in front of her so she can never remember me again?” He snapped backed instantly and I emitted off steam from my nose as I let my hands become small, light fists.

     “Not you, but the pain Jiyong…s-she has had so much pain than you can ever imagine,” I spoke roughly and I found my own throat becoming dry amidst how much it has been raining from my eyes.

     “Pain because of me? Why? Because I gave her the drugs? How can the drugs be that bad? I mean look at me, I’m not in her condition and I do the same drugs. I haven’t inflicted any pain on her…well…not since the beginning,” He spoke uncomfortably toward the end and rubbed the back of his neck, in which I looked at him closely. Was he really trying to say he had no part in her condition?

     And, you hurt her also you scumbag? I know how big of a snotty kid you can be at times. I’m sure that hasn’t changed. Let me guess, after the one night stand you tried to make her your private ? I bet my life on that.

     “Jiyong there’s some things I have to tell you about Taeyeon. It’s about what she told you about her…being . When I tell you this, you will then understand that you will need to stay away because you can trigger her relapse,” I barely managed to say this, because the memories of reading those papers were still haunting me. They were still haunting Taeyeon and they will always.

     Jiyong seemed to have cooled down for a moment when I told him that and I looked away with misery etched on my face as I shut my eyes. That girl…how could such a strong person become like that? How could that happen to her?

     “Tell me,” Jiyong spoke with patience and willingness in is voice, in which I turned looking at him, searching his eyes as if they were stars.

     You’re going to wish you never knew…and if anything you will hate me…I don’t want you to hate me. But, you are just going to have to just hate me. You might as well join the club with everyone else. I’m even in the club of hating myself. It’s a shame, but it’s the truth that everyone hates themselves.

     With my lips parted, I took in a short inhale to only exhale out air when I heard my name exclaimed.

     Upon a spin to my feet, it was a great discovery to me to see the person I saw coming down the hallway with a nurse following him like a fan that was in a complete daze rather than what her profession says to be.

     "Jessica, you are here too?" The bright faced smile asked me energetically as he looked over at the nurse shortly while he tucked his loose brown hair that was combed longed on the sides of his face by a part in the center. 

     "Thank you for all the information," He expressed his gratitude to the nurse and brought one of his free hands to his stomach as he gave a bow of great thanks.

     In his other hand I noticed he had his fingers wrapped around the handle of a woven basket that consisted purple flowers that I knew oh to well with a white teddy bear and a box that had something else in it.

     "You are very welcome Oppa," the nurse replied and turned around, leaving all of us alone. Ha, Oppa? What happened to the last name respects?

     I parted my lips to speak and held my hands up, in which Baekhyun already figured that I was about to send him off.

     "There's no need to hide anything from me, because there isn't. I know everything and the reason why Taeyeon is in there," Baekhyun said with a proud chortle as he smiled, looking down at Taeyeon's favorite flowers. He would know that being her ex-boyfriend after all. 

     "Who told you go around ing looking through her records?" I heard Jiyong snarl from behind me and I didn't bother looking at him, since his expression was predictable. I mean he looked at me with that nasty expression before and yet one that seemed as if he was still in love with me.

     Baekhyun forced a laugh out and looked away as if Jiyong was insane.

     "You must been the one snooping around in her records then? As for me, I just kindly asked that nice nurse who just left what was Taeyeon's condition and how she got to be in that condition. She simply told me the answer Jiyong Hyung. Why you mad?" Baekhyun spoke in a falsely polite voice and it almost seemed he was making Jiyong look like the complete idiot. I see two idiots, if someone was too kindly ask me.

     And, for him to find out so easily about Taeyeon…Well I guess that's just the power of Exo.

     " that. You shouldn’t be here anyway," Jiyong was like a dog barking up a tree as he pushed me behind him like I was some stick or some other worthless sort.

     "Jiyong," I groaned out his name with my arms crossed and tapped my feet with annoyance as I watched these two fools fight over this petty situation.

     Not that they cared, but what I thought since Taeyeon has really forgotten Jiyong and still thinks she is dating Baekhyun, he should see her. It would make her feel better and not alone she is pregnant at that. As far as Taeyeon is concerned, the child is Baekhyun's. Let's just let her think like that because it might be true.

     "You can go in and see her," I finally said after analyzing it all in my mind and stepped around, looking at Baekhyun's frustrated eyebrows relax suddenly with ease while he rose the basket up for me to see.

     "Oh, really? That's so nice of you Jessica. I brought Taeyeon's favorite flowers, Lavender. Ha, I didn't force Taeyeon to tell me this. For this jerk to actually think I would waste my time to force people to tell me information. Do you not know who I am? I am B.B, Byun Baekhyun of E.X.O!" Baekhyun had declared arrogantly and I just pressed my lips up, unsure how to handle this situation.

     Baekhyun just winked at me awkwardly and I just shook my head, looking away. Just go before Jiyong boils over and Baekhyun smile got bigger to the point that I thought I would even see his gums as he jolted around us quickly, with Jiyong turning instantly with flames burning from his eyes.

     "Stop this please," I was trying to keep this situation calm, but Jiyong looked at me with eyes that made me think he just came from the depths of hell, ready to take someone with him.

     "Do you think he will make her feel better!?" He questioned me and I just sighed while holding my forehead, before I lowered my hand to my hip.

     "And, are you saying you can?" I asked him seriously and I really wanted him to a good moment to think about it since he seemed to be acting as if he wasn’t born with a brain.

     He was completely mute.

     Great, he was born with a brain. Now, let’s use it please.

     “Taeyeon remembers Baekhyun and even more, thinks she is still dating him. Baekhyun already knows everything now, so won’t this make this situation better while we try to fix everything?” I asked him desperately.

     I was now actually thinking we can finally make things better now that we know everything and that I had Jiyong. Let’s face it, he is powerful. That’s something I don’t have despite being so famous and wealthy.

     “But, what if she never remembers me Jessica? H-How can I live with that, especially when she goes back to someone she loved before? I finally found someone who makes me want to live right,” he was still fretting over that and I can understand, but it’s still ridiculous. This was all to make Taeyeon feel better. How can he just think about himself!?

     “Live right? Have you stopped doing drugs!? Have you given up the gang life? Do you really think you can keep Taeyeon next to your side while you stuffing up your nose and stabbing yourself with needles?” I asked, finally breaking my calm composure that only lasted for like ten minutes.

     Jiyong had only gasped and I stepped forward, getting in all his space so he could feel the pressure.

     “Jiyong I broke up with you when we were younger because I found out about your background. Sure, no one will find out about who you are because you have the protection of gangs and even the corrupt government, but Taeyeon will have to live with that. Were you going to go sell some to some officials and then come touch Taeyeon with the same hands? Were you going to get blood all over your hands and then her baby’s little face? Were you -”

     “Enough!” He blasted off loudly like an explosion and my eyes widened from the tear speedily running down his face.

     “Enough,” He begged and shook his head as he looked away, biting on his bottom lip to stop the tears, but they were pouring like hard rain.

     I just sharply inhaled and I couldn’t even bring myself to breathe.

     He roughly swallowed as he brought his hand up, using the palm of his hands to wipe away the tears in a shameful manner.

     “I know who I am and what I do. I can’t change that Jessica. I can’t control the actions I do, because I’m just a puppet for them. It’s not my mind…It’s not my mind at all. It’s not like I want to do those things,” He cried out to me and looked at me with a painful, distorted face.

     “But, if I don’t Jessica…they will hurt me and even other people that I care for till I do it. Taeyeon won’t get hurt unless I keep doing my part and I will. As for the drugs…how can I not use them when I sell them?” He asked me and brought his hand to his mouth, covering it from the mourns he wanted to cry out so badly.

     I never knew that this man was so pitiful. I mean, who would?

     “Why are people so messed up?” I just asked, finally letting the reality of all the people I knew hit me like a wild storm. Even I, my life was messed up and it’s not the money I was talking about. If anything, it’s because we have so much, that we live such pitiful and cruel life.

     For a moment I just turned around and placed my hands on my hips, letting Jiyong get himself together and even more for me to be more considerate of him.

     “I’m sorry…” I whispered and I heard him sniffle a little, before he replied with his voice starting to strengthen.

     “No, you shouldn’t be. You’re right. I’m a criminal either way. Kiko…was right…she told me that I wouldn’t be able to live right,” He finished with his voice fading off.

     Removing my hands from my hips, I turned around with a face of complete remorse and I let our eyes meet along with my heart.

     “I wish I could help you like you did me,” I said to him, pertaining how he got me out the bad hands of Tyler and I really meant that.

     “I wish you could too,” He spoke as if he was dreaming and he was.

     “I guess…we can only make the best out of all this Jiyong. It’s not that I don’t want you to be with Taeyeon, but I want the best for her. Taeyeon…I’ve hurt her more than I can never imagine. To say I even hurt her isn’t simply enough, but I’ve killed her,” I spoke with the words even wanting to make my own lips bleed from the misery.

      “I…can understand Taeyeon…I really can,” He breathed out, finally being considerate and no longer selfish. If anyone had a right to be selfish, it would be Taeyeon.

     “You are going to have to listen to me…I have to tell you what happened to Taeyeon since the very beginning. It’s the main reason why she is like she is now Jiyong. If you really say you love Taeyeon then you must prove it after you discover what happened to her,” I tried warning him just like Leeteuk told me and I finally know how awful it felt to be in this position. I suddenly felt even more awful for taking it out on Leeteuk like I had.

     “Tell me now,” He pushed for to tell him immediately and I looked away, but then brought my eyes back to him. I can no longer be jumping around the bush. Even if that bush was bursting with flames, I will have to run through it to make a way for all of us. I suppose that this is my sacrifice.

     “Come with me to my apartment. Everything you need to know is there,” I told him seriously and he nodded, leaving down the hallway as I went to go check on Taeyeon real quick.

     Silently, I cracked the door open and I instantly heard laughter. I had never known that even sunshine can have such a melodic sound and it was through Taeyeon’s voice as she sat up in the bed, with the basket Baekhyun brought her in her lap.

     “This is my first box of my makeup brand, B.B, Barrier Breaker. You are my first Barrier Breaker and have always been since you broke your way in my heart Taeyeon,” I heard Baekhyun express himself and Taeyeon was holding the box in her hand, but she was looking down at the dark blue flowers rather.

     “Baekhyun, do you think these flowers will attract a white butterfly from here?” She asked and it made me blink, from the recent comparison.

     “O-Oh…I-I’m not sure. I know that is why they are your favorite flowers because they attract white butterflies, right?” He asked, slightly flustered and she nodded with a blissful smile.

     “Right. I think they have already attracted one,” She said with endearment blooming flowers itself on her pressed lip smile and it made me choke up.

     Just as that white butterfly to you was your symbolism of happiness, that white butterfly was once black. But, it has now turned white to be by your side and to even more, open that casket that you put your freedom in. I will give your freedom…freedom.

     “A butterfly has landed on the most beautiful flower Taeyeon,” I whispered with a tear being my witness to this moment.

****

     Upstairs at my apartment, I grabbed the black folder that I left by my laptop as Jiyong was waiting downstairs.

     I stopped to look down at the folder, knowing that Jiyong would be torn into a million pieces just as I was when I read this. Maybe…we should get a drink after this…so the pain can be numbed for just a little bit at least.

     With a dry sigh, I turned around and exited my room to walk down the stairs slowly. I was prolonging it as long as I could, since I knew what would come next, which was complete insanity. He’ll probably start thinking on how he has already abused her mentally. There was nothing but guilt cards in our deck.

     I saw him sitting on the couch in his black jeans, leopard shirt and a midnight blazer on top as he had his hands were crossed with him leaning over in serious thought.

     There was no point in thinking of what it could be. It was the unthinkable…the unimaginable and yet the most controversial topic of all time that only received a little bit of publicity till it is covered up with newer and fresher news.

     Basically, things like , ion and even bullying are thrown under the rug, but I will make all rugs be banned if that what it takes for everyone to acknowledge the problems that co-exist in this music industry.

     “Is that it?” Jiyong had asked me when he realized I had stopped to the side of him, with the folder hanging low in my hands.

     “Yes,” I sighed out with distress and laid it down on the table, like it had been done for me.

     “Then, let me find out. The sooner the better,” He used that common slogan and I shook my head in disagreement till I suddenly heard my phone go off in my pocket.

     Filled with alarm, I pulled it out hurriedly out of my leggings that had pockets hand made in them by me.

     “It’s Mr. Youngmin,” I spoke as I couldn’t believe it and Jiyong immediately jolted on his feet when I said that.

     Swallowing down all my nervousness, I quickly answered the call with Jiyong watching my every move and expression.

     “Hello Mr. Youngmin,” I managed to keep my professional voice amidst the animosity I felt for this man within a few days.

     “Hello Jessica. I would like to see you in my office as soon as possible. We have some things that need discussing in person. I expect to see you within fifteen minutes,” He declared his message and left me hanging with a deadline phone beeping.

     I just looked back at Jiyong, wondering what he was thinking of this and then down at the folder. Why was this timing so bad now?

     “Don’t worry. I’ll go read everything at my own apartment. You go see Mr. Youngmin…I don’t know what you know yet, but like you said think what is best for Taeyeon,” Jiyong reminded me and I smiled at him warmly.

     “I will,” I promised him from the depths of my heart and right now I felt a compassion building up for Jiyong. It was different from how I usually felt and I knew why also, but I must keep they tucked down deeply within me.

****

     I don’t know why I suddenly became like a nervous wreck with weak legs, shaky hands and sweaty palms while at the same time I had anger that wanted to blow the top of my head off, but I knew it was all for the man sitting behind these double doors.

     With a couple of cooling breaths, I rose and turned my hand, letting my knuckles to meet the woodened doors to make a knock, knock, knock sound.

     As the usual, his voice blared through the doors, permitting my entry. “Come in!”

     Reciting the million thoughts that rushed in my head fifteen minutes ago in a five second range, I entered his office with the turn and push of his silver door knob.

     “Please take a seat,” He spoke as if he was tired and I looked at his face, reading nothing by fatigue and apprehension upon his features.

     After shutting the door back silently, I walked around and took a sit in the guest chairs in front of his desk, in which I glanced at to see an exaggerated amount of papers, some in neat stacks and other in a mess. It seemed that something else has gone wrong.

     “Don’t mind any of this,” He quickly said with a calm voice as he clasped his hands together, before he looked up with burdened and yet eyes that meant business.

     “I’ve been watching the news and even more the stocks, they are going up and down, up and down,” He immediately start complaining and of course, his first cries would be about his damn money. What about that abortion you planned for Taeyeon?

     “But, currently, it is rising up just a little since the news has been cleared about you and your crimes, along with the fabricated lie I made about Taeyeon bleeding again from her stab wound,” He expressed, by bringing his index finger and thumb together to show the small improvement.

     I just sat here with my hands laid over one another in my lap as I looked at him, wanting to freeze his very existence if I could with my stare.

     “Since the stocks are not looking good and the date is coming sooner for The Collaboration fashion show to start, you are going to have to end your hiatus from the show and come back, starting today. Recording starts in an hour from now, so get yourself together and you can catch up on everything from your team. Krystal is the one who took over acting-president in your position, so you should easily be caught up,” He told me and softly smiled as if he just found the answer to world peace.

     Right now, I wished I never got in this damned project and even more signed Blanc & Eclare to work with someone like SM. My name has been permanently damaged by the likes of him.

     “So…what about Taeyeon?” I asked seriously along with a faked laugh and his small smile was demolished completely.

     “Taeyeon…” He uttered her name like she was the greatest problem he ever had, when he was really the problem here.

     “I will announce that she will be leaving the show because of medical issues. She was just an artist on the show anyway. I will put out the few pieces that she has made at the fashion show just to show gratitude for her work,” he said as he was looking down with a head nod.

     Right now I even felt like worms were crawling out the pores of my skin as I looked at him wearing his upscale dark blue suede suit.

     “Did you get that suit with Taeyeon’s assistance?” I asked with disgust creeping off the tip of my tongue as I gawked at him.

     He looked up suddenly, boring at me quite confused and then down at his suit to only start laughing.

     “Ha, no! You know Taeyeon has no taste in fashion. That’s why she was only an artist team on The Collaboration,” He was laughing as if I was ing joking and I just forced a smile on my face. Remember what Jiyong said.

     “I won’t be late for the recording,” I feigned my politeness and scooted up in the chair to get ready to leave.

     “Thank you very much. You may go,” He thanked me. Did he really just thank me?

     “W-What did you say?” My voice had rumbled like the threatening destruction of an earthquake as I glared at him with the wide eyes that were like a million devastated witnesses to corruption.

     “Oh, I said thank you very much and that you may go,” He quickly restated it easily and it simply drove me insane as my face scrunched up looking at him with mad eyes filled with enraged tears.

     “H-How can you say thank you to me when you are about to murder my best friends child?” I boldly asked and stood up strongly while I looked down at him with a disgusted sneer.

     He was shocked.

     Even his hands had become frozen on his desk as he looked up at me with that stilled expression of sudden guilt.

     “Someone told me before that once you kill, you can kill again. How many people have you already killed?” I asked him and he madly stood up out of his chair, pushing it to the point of abuse that it rammed into the wall behind him.

     “Jessica Jung!” He vehemently blasted my name off his furious lips and his face had flared into a flaming dragon, but I wasn’t scared to even be sheathed in his flames!

     “Kim Youngmin!” I screamed his name back at him with the dramatic movement of my head to rip it out of me as I stood there with clenched fists ready to strike.

     “You know what condition Taeyeon is in right now and yet you are going to have her baby killed and then out of her? Aren’t you killing two people at the same time? Oh, I forgot this is a popular strategy by people like you. You are killing two birds with one stone, right!?” I exclaimed loud enough that even the outskirts of the universe could hear me. The entire world deserved to know what kind of demon was inside of this place in order to exorcise it out.

     “You have stepped out of your place!” His voice was stomping down on me, but I did not dare back down.

     “No! You have stepped out of your place!” I declared and he knew I was right as he looked away in disbelief.

     I don’t give a damn about no ten year slave contract, but this was going beyond enslavement to murder.

     “Can’t you see what I am doing Jessica? I’m protecting SM. This is what you, Taeyeon and everybody as agreed upon whether you like it or not. You can’t say you didn’t know what would happen since the very beginning. This is the deal you both made and have to live with! I will use any means necessary to protect SM and to make SM thrive. This is no longer about ourselves as an individual but SM!” He shouted at me, wanting me to understand, but oh how did I understand.

     “You mean about those over seventy law suit cases and god knows how many reports have gone through SM Academy? This isn’t about any damn SM, but saving you and Lee Soo Man own asses,” I said with a smile filled with distaste as I shook my head at him.

     “How do you know that?” He quickly asked me with his facial expression fallen into complete despair and I wished, oh how I wish my stare could set him in a million flames till he became nothing than mere dust.

     “Are you afraid that I’m not the only one who knows?” I asked and huffed out a small hysterical laugh, in which he raced from around his desk to in front of me.

     “Tell me how you ing you know that!” He was panicking through violence being threatened in his voice.

     “Instead of wanting to know the how, shouldn’t you be more concerned of what I will do with this information?” I asked him, with a toothy smile that I knew that had him boiling.

     “If you say one word about anything you know to anyone, I can’t guarantee your safety or career Jessica,” He whispered to me in a voice that should have been scary to me.

     “You shouldn’t. You should guarantee Taeyeon and her child. This is your chance to repent for your sins Mr. Youngmin. I know money is your motive and I know that Taeyeon played a big role getting that money for you like a e,” I whispered back at him as I leaned in his ear, looking at him slyly.

     I continued.

     “Don’t think you can scare me with anything Mr. Youngmin because my motive is not money or even success like you. My aim is the protection of Taeyeon and her child and just like you feel about SM, I will protect Taeyeon. Why don’t we kill two birds with my stone, eh? Let Taeyeon leave SNSD and have her child while I become the leader. I’ll be that slave that Taeyeon was. Aren’t you just afraid of losing money? This way you won’t lose any,” I said in his ear like a sly viper and withdrew from his ear as his eyes were locked with mines.

     “Continue,” He told me and it seemed as if he was interested in the deal I suddenly just came up with.

     “You already set up a competition in SNSD for the leader position. Simply announce that I won and that Taeyeon will be taking a hiatus from SNSD and even solo activities due to her physical and psychological injuries she has received due to the cruel treatment of fans. After this, we can either choose to let Taeyeon to secretly have her child or publicly. Which one do you prefer Mr. Youngmin?” I asked him well poised and professionally, but at the same time I meant business.

     I know Jiyong told me to be careful, but it really seemed that this was the only way. I had to draw my sword before Mr. Youngmin would.

     “If I do decide with you just as you say to let Taeyeon have her child it would be a great risk for her to have it secretly when it can come out and be more damaging. I rather go along with the abortion,” He stated seriously and placed his hands behind his back, showing firm stature.

     “Then we will have no choice to make it public after a marriage,” I said and his hands came back to his side with wide eyes.

     “Yes, Taeyeon will have a gunshot wedding. It’s the best since it will be a shame to her image if she is announced pregnant without marriage. Of course some of the fans will figure it out, but that doesn’t matter,” I said as I looked away thinking in a hurry. I guess being a CEO for some years will do this to you.

     This had to be now or never. I just couldn’t battle with Mr. Youngmin, but I did have the weapon of being as great as I was now. I’m glad…that I did leave or I would be more powerless than I already was.

     “With whom will she be married with?” He asked me and I bit down on my bottom lip. I’m sorry Taeyeon.

     “Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun,” I said specifically and looked down, remembering how she smiled at him and then how she looked away from Jiyong.

     I’m not sure for how long will she remain like that, but for the time being it will have to be him. If anything it will be perfect if that child does belong to Baekhyun.

     “What!? Are you insane? They already have broken up and she is now dating G-Dragon publicly at that. Do you actually think what you are telling me is making any sense!? It would be better for her to marry G-Dragon if VIP’s wouldn’t murder her before she even reached the alter! This will not only damage SM, but YG, who is now our business partner! This is exactly why she can’t have that child Jessica. A sacrifice will have to be made!” He was yelling at me and I looked up at him madly. After damaging so much since her youth, you can’t even do this much?

     “That sacrifice must be yours, because if you don’t cancel that abortion schedule Mr. Youngmin and go along with my plan I will announce it to the world, even if it means I have to go to the American police since you have made some illegal deals there that I know about also. I have the power to do that now and more than ever. You can do what Tyler did to me, but don’t think I will be the only one pushed down in a police car in handcuffs. I will destroy all of us if that is what it takes. Make one move and you will set off a bomb, I dare you because we both deserve to go to hell after what we did!” I was screaming at him insanely and I knew had to get out of here before I actually did more damage than I had done.

     “Jessica Jung!” He was yelling out my name, but I was already rushing on my feet to the door, slamming his office door open without closing it as I ran down the hallway in a chaos of thoughts.

     I never stopped running till I got to my car, because I don’t know if he even had someone coming after me.

     I was now going head to head with a king and if anything, someone who has knocked down so many people that tried to oppose him.

     That there what I said to him was my trap and if he walked into it, I will be creating a coup d’état then and there. But, if the trap was reversed, I could even be punished with death. How could I protect then?

     With both hands on the steering wheel, I was racing down the streets as I breathed heavily, thinking. What if he didn’t go along with my plan? Then…I’m going to have to take Taeyeon from that hospital. , when was even the abortion scheduled for?

     Loosening one of my hands of the steering wheel, I took my phone out my pocket and slowly made a stop at red light, which was good for me because my blood was rushing to the point it would have had a collision before I did.

     “Jiyong…did you read everything?”I asked immediately when Jiyong answered the phone, but there was nothing but silence.

     Finally, I could hear him exhale out a breath, letting me know that he was there.

     “I ing know everything now,” He tried laughing at the end, but the pain in his voice was indescribable.

     I couldn’t bring myself to say anything as I looked down and brought my head up as I ran my hand through my hair at the same time, looking at the traffic light still on red.

     “You are right Jessica…Taeyeon doesn’t need to be with a person like me. I did the same thing to her just like they did. I threatened, abused and hurt her. H-How could I have done that to her…again?” He asked and I just shook my head, lost for words.

     “Even more…I don’t even want to kill that son of a . I want to make that motherer suffer till he begs for death,” He whispered like the devil in the phone and I even felt as if he was grazing a knife on my skin without even being in his presence.

     The light had suddenly turned green and I quickly woke up out that terrorizing thought to proceed down a street with no certain destination. I was just wandering about. I was lost.

     “I-I threatened Mr. Youngmin,” I told him.

     “Did you let him know you know!? Don’t you know that’s dangerous?!” He immediately exclaimed and I nodded my head in agreement.

     “It’s only dangerous for me Jiyong. Whether I let him know or not, he still wants Taeyeon to have an abortion, but with my threat he will either go along with my plan or I will expose him,” I said with defeat, knowing that could result in a possible failure as well.

     “Expose him with what? Didn’t you see all these lawsuits that he covered up without even trying? Jessica I know you are world famous fashion designer and well known Idol of Girls Generation, but you aren’t even inside the system. You don’t run the police, politics or the gangs entwined in them,” He was telling me and it just made me felt worse.

     “Isn’t that why we have you Jiyong? Can’t you help Taeyeon like you did me? You are the son of the leader of the biggest gang in Korea! Are you telling me you can’t make those men that hurt Taeyeon pay for their crimes?” I asked him seriously.

     “You were an exception Jessica,” He breathed out in defeat and I just let my chest fall with all my hope following in action. So my threats just now were meaningless. I shouldn’t have said something, because he will make it where I can’t even open my mouth without permission. I ed up…big time.

     “H-How was I an exception Jiyong? Are you ing in love with me?!” I exclaimed and just pulled over to the side of the road to stop.

     “That’s not why! I’m not as powerful as I seem Jessica. I told you that I am a puppet and that my family doesn’t really like me to begin with. I just asked for permission regarding you and it was permitted. Now if I ask to remove Lee Soo Man and Mr. Youngmin that isn’t even another story because it won’t be permitted in the first place. They are both powerful men from prestigious family of business and even political background. My father won’t permit it,” He told me and I just grasped my chest.

     “So…are you saying we can’t protect Taeyeon?” I asked him with fear choking me to the point I was becoming pale.

     “I-I don’t know…wait, just tell me what the plan was that you offered to Mr. Youngmin. Maybe I can make him think that Five Star is going against him at least,” He told me and I looked away out the window with my eyes burning from salt water dripping down my face.

     “I told him that I would expose him, be it with the American police with some illegal records I have about him. In order for me not to do that, he would have to go along with the plan to not let Taeyeon to have an abortion. She would then have a hiatus from everything and a marriage would be announced with …Baekhyun,” I whispered his name as if he would miss it, but it was actually the most painful detail. How could he miss it?

     “With Baekhyun?” He asked me as if he misheard me and I nodded, but realized he couldn’t see me of course.

     “Yes, Baekhyun…because it will be better for her,” I told him and I could hear him suddenly coughing.

     “Y-Yeah, you are right. B-Baekhyun is better for her. We need the best for Taeyeon,” He was trying to remain logical at the same time being hurt.

     “I know how you feel Jiyong. You know I do…personally,” I said in a low hushed tone as I remembered myself telling Jaejoong to ahead and marry her. The pain to not to ever be with the person you loved is nothing but a lifetime of misery. You will always think, ‘oh, we were supposed to be together and maybe we couldn’t be together because we loved one another.’ I know and I feel that way even now.

     I wish I could at least hold his hand even in this moment…

     “I’m sure what he said to in reply…I guess I will have to sacrifice my image then. I will make it look like I cheated on Taeyeon and she went back to Baekhyun, in which he proposes to her and never wants to lose her. Doesn’t that sound…perfect?” He hesitated and I blinked, realizing how genius that was.

     “B-But…”I stuttered after thinking of the effects.

     “Taeyeon will be okay if I do it this way. I’m a man anyway…so I can live with it,” He was pretending to laugh as I was just looking at the passing cars with a solemn expression.

     “We really just can’t be happy, can we?” I asked him with blubbery in my voice as I reached my hand up, trying to stop the tears the millionth time. You would think it would work by now.

     “This is the world we live in Jessica. We live to make others happy by pretending that we are happy. This is the most unselfish profession a person could choose,” he said and I just laughed as I held my mouth with a rainfall coming down on a sunny day.

     “You are so right,” I replied and then shook my head, to turn my car back around.

     “Are you coming to the recording for The Collaboration?” I asked him.

     “I am…and Jessica,” He said, letting me know he had something else to say since I suddenly got off topic.

     “Yes?” I asked as I drove calmly.

     “I found out the abortion is set on this coming Monday, March 20. If Mr. Youngmin doesn’t agree with your plan by tomorrow, we are going to have to…” He drifted off in his voice and I nodded as I finished it off for him.

     “Runaway,” I spoke swiftly.

     “Yes, we are going to have to runaway with Taeyeon,” he agreed and I smiled softly.

     I’m not sure for how long we can do this, but I just don’t want to be too late Taeyeon.

****

      It had been a long time since I’ve returned back to the Fashion’s team room here at SM Entertainment, but if anything I’ve forgotten this place. I am no longer interested of possess the energy to continue this project.

     But, if I wanted to make a believer out of Mr. Youngmin that I would make up for Taeyeon, then I would to preach what I teach.

     Before I even got out my car, I practiced to smile since I forgot how to. I guess since it is false, I won’t be punished.

     Unlike how I did before, I waltzed in the room with nothing in my hands or on my shoulders. Usually, I would have a messenger bag or some folders in my arm because I was really engaged and working hard on this and my solo. Not anymore.

     I was immediately welcomed with cameras turning towards me and surprised team members that I suppose didn’t know I was to return today, which a few of them were Key, Seulgi, Donghae, Boram and Seohyun, who I felt kind of relieved to see.

     “Jessica!?” My name was exclaimed by many of the members of the fashion team as they came rushing to me and I just waved with an excited grin.

     “I’m back,” I wheezed out as I hugged many of them at once and I turned around instantly to see Krystal with a bigger smile that I thought I would never see even if I was on my death bed.

     “Jessica you are really back!? Crap, I won’t be president anymore,” She joked and immediately laughed as she came to hug me, in which I felt so awkward, but I really did laugh at this point.

     When I withdraw from all their arms, the first thoughts on my mind as I looked at all their faces were: Which one of you have been through what Taeyeon has been through? Have you pretending to smile even now? Do you even like living now at this point?

     For some reason, I felt so guilty.

     “Oh, look who is back?” I heard a male say my name, in which I knew who it belonged too.

     “Jiyong,” I whispered his name as I looked behind at the YG fashion team behind him.

     “Now that I look around here, SM is not that bad, but YG is still better,” Jiyong said and gave a gleaming smile that fooled the sense out of me.

     Can someone tell me why the hell isn’t he acting yet?

     “Sica Sica Sicachu!” Seungri spoke excitedly who was next to him as he pulled out a handkerchief out of his plaid blazer pocket and a pen.

     “You’ve been gone so long that I need another signature since the other one expired,” He joked with a charming smile and I couldn’t help but cover my mouth when he stepped up close to me.

     I can see why Taeyeon use to call him Double P in the past clearly.

     A female wearing black leather shorts and tube top with printed Jack Skeleton motorcycle jacket just hanging on her shoulders that matched her high heeled boots stepped between us, pushing Seungri away and snatched his handkerchief from him to pat my forehead softly with courtesy.

     “Aish, look at you. You are already sweating off the stress of that ert. Don’t worry I’ll protect you from my panda,” She said and laughed at him, in which I nodded.

     “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll be breaking off a sweat soon, but thank you Chaerin,” I spoke using her real name, since we were on first name bases anyway since we have ran into each other for fashion purposes.

     “Super stars coming through!” Someone else was yelling out their lungs behind YG’s fashion team so they quickly moved out the way and I crossed my arms, looking at no one than Baekhyun as he wore shades on his face while his hands were on the pushing handles of a wheelchair.

     “What happened?” I asked in a disastrous tone as Baekhyun was pushing no one other than Taeyang of Big Bang was in a wheelchair, wearing matching black and gold sunglasses as him.

     Baekhyun stopped right in front of me and I smiled politely at Taeyang who gave me a cute dimple cheek as he took off his glasses which even had me swooned.

     “Noona, have you really not been reading the news?” Baekhyun asked me he followed Taeyang in taking off his glasses.

     Was this acting?

     “On The Collaboration, we were practicing with our models for the fashion walk at a practice runaway and…I kind of…caused Taeyang to fall you know,” He said and rubbed the nape of his neck guilty and my eyes lowered seeing Taeyang’s right foot in a cast and other leg wrapped at his mid thigh since he wore shorts.

     Well you ed up didn’t you Baekhyun? I knew something like this would have happened.

     “Don’t punish him Team Leader. I’ll take care of all that,” I heard Taeyang say to me and turned around looking at Baekhyun with a wicked look as he smiled.

     “Oh, I will then since you ask…but…why are you still participating…won’t you be injured more?” I asked him, being cautious at how I do.

     Taeyang looked back at me with a bigger dimple smile that made his eyes smaller, but still in a cute way.

     “Who says fashion can’t be displayed in a wheelchair?” He asked me and I looked away, stepping back from the smart answer that slapped me as I chuckled.

     I looked back at him with a whip of my hair and I nodded with a grin. “You are right. Well use my disciple as much as to your liking,” I said and walked around, dusting off Baekhyun’s shoulders.

     Baekhyun winced at me and leaned in my ear. “Don’t say it like that Noona…have you really not even heard the rumors going about these days!?” He exclaimed a whisper in my ear and I just turned around with a sneaky smile.

     “Well, okay, so who is going to let me know what I missed,” I spoke out loudly and clapped my hands, in which Jiyong and Krystal raised their hands at the same time.

     “I will,” They were both in harmony also and they looked at each other awkwardly after.

     With a long sigh, I nodded and let them lead the way to the fashion tables. The entire hour was really spent on catching me up with the fashions and the information of the fashion show that had altered.

     Later on, the models had arrived and they all let me see them wear the fashions that have already been created. Even without me, everyone did incredibly well. I guess I was just here because of the views. Yeah, that’s why.

     I mean who wouldn’t madly want to see how I was doing after being with held in a jail cell for three days and battling against an ex-boyfriend who is now a wanted criminal. If it was someone else, I know I would. I’m just being honest.

     Wearing this smile on my face was like carrying ten pounds and it never felt any better to let it fall when the show ended and I had walked away. I would have never known the weight of a smile till today.

     “Mentor!” I heard Baekhyun exclaim my name and I really wanted to scream, because I had to put on a twenty pound smile this time when I turned around. Screw it. It’s just Baekhyun anyway.

     “What!?” I exclaimed at him and he jumped back as if I chomped my teeth at him.

     “Woah…I just wanted to let you know that you should have helped me! Everyone is thinking I’m gay now you know!?” He asked me like I would know and I looked at him as if he was crazy. Why would people think you are gay when you and Taeyeon broke up not too long ago?

     “Here, look for your own self,” He urged and lifted up his phone in my face as I took it in my own hands to get a better look. It was the most popular gossip site for celebrity news, which stated the following:

[HOT RUMOR] Baekhyun & Taeyang Got A Manly Fling Going On

Ever since Byun Baekhyun of Exo had accidently pushed down Taeyang of Big Bang off the runway, causing an injury to his right foot and left leg muscle because he was trying to hurriedly fix his shirt, he has been immensely hated by a major amount of V.I.P’s. But, it seems that hatred has formed into love since Baekhyun has taken the responsibility of portability and care of Taeyang since the incident. There was even a picture taken of Baekhyun ‘accidently’ kissing Taeyang when he was helping him out his wheelchair. It seems that Baekhyun and Taeyang is an item even with couple items proving it! Everyone tweet #BAEYANG #BAEYANGISREAL.

     “You guys kissed?” I asked in disbelief as I scrolled down on the page, seeing the low quality pictures of the accidental kiss and of proof of the couple items.

     “T-That was an accident, but you see what I am talking about!?” He exclaimed and I shook my head as I sighed, tossing his phone back at him, in which he quickly caught.

     “I even witnessed the couple sunglasses today. You are taking it a bit too far to get the fans back on your side like always, but this is your entire fault. I can’t help you Baekhyun. I wish you the best out of your relationship,” I said and bowed to him, turning to leave once more, but he stopped me by grabbing my arm.

     “Noona! You have to help me! I can’t be seen as gay! Even my father disowns me now after this came out!” He was crying to me and I shut my eyes, with only a light bulb coming on.

     I turned my head with a slick smile. “Okay, I will help you,” I said and he quickly stood up, eager of my assistance.

     “Baekhyun, you will marry Taeyeon,” I stated and he froze right on the spot.

     Great.

     Once more I turned and he grabbed my arm, running around in front of me.

     “W-Wait! Hold up. What do you mean marry!?” He exclaimed and I rolled my eyes.

     “Baekhyun, Taeyeon is in trouble. Mr. Youngmin wants her to have an abortion to the point he will force her to have one without her consent, but I’m fighting against that now. I’m not sure if you are going to have to either marry her as a gun shot wedding or help us run away with her,” I spoke desperately this time as my eyes pleaded with him.

     He blinked quite a few times as he looked away, just digesting what I said.

     “He wants her to have an abortion?” He asked in doubt and I titled my head as I softly grinned at him.

     “It’s hard to believe, right?” I asked and he shook his head.

     “No, it’s not hard to believe. I do know that he had done it before,” He said and my smile fallen.

     “I thought you didn’t know,” I whispered, remembering how I asked him before if anything had happened to Taeyeon.

     “No, I knew and I also knew I couldn’t tell you. I promised Taeyeon I wouldn’t tell her and even if I was angry at her, I couldn’t tell anyone because I loved her.”

     “So…what are you really saying?” I asked and stepped towards him, in which he stepped closer to me.

     “I’m saying that whatever it takes to protect Taeyeon I will do it. I will marry her. I will die for her. it, I’ll even rob a bank for that girl,” He joked and I couldn’t even help but smile a little bit at his uncalled for comedy.

     “As long as they say in the headlines I did it for Kim Taeyeon, I’ll do it. Just name it Jessica and I will do it if it is for Taeyeon,” He stated proudly and I nodded, feeling a bit relieved. Oddly, he was more reliable than the man with a mafia mob behind him.

     “I get it…and thank you Baekhyun,” I said and he shook his head.

     “Don’t thank me. Thank you is for people that need gratification and acknowledgment. I don’t need any of that,” he said and I was quite shocked. Beyond how stupid at times he acted, he was brilliantly intelligent.

     If you two were to get married, I don’t think I would have any regrets.

     Baekhyun bowed before he ran back off in the building to care of Taeyang and I took a moment to finally think what I would do next.

     I wonder what was up with Krystal and if mom and dad were still disappointed in me. It would be better to ask her since I was here.

     Once more, I my feet, rushing to get back to the fashion team room before Krystal disappeared, because she would usually be gone in a bat of an eye. That’s another reason I put a spy tracking device app on her phone.

     I only put my head in the door when I opened it, looking around only seeing a few of the fashion team members reminiscing together.

     Key had looked over at me with his arms crossed as he was talking to Seulgi. “Looking for someone?” He asked me and gave me a silly smile, in which I nodded with a soft grin.

     “Krystal?” I asked and he pointed to the left. “She went to the staff room to get coffee with GD,” He told me and I lifted my hand as a gesture thanks as I quickly let the door go at the same time I proceeded quickly down where the staff room was.

     Great, she was with Jiyong now. I can already envision how that was going now and when I had opened the door to the staff room, I was proven right.

     “I know it has to be true that Taeyeon is knocked up, right? Is it yours or Baekhyun’s own?” She was talking informally and straight up with disrespect as I saw her turned toward him with a cup of steaming coffee in her hand.

     “You shouldn’t be too concern about Taeyeon,” He told her as he turned his head, looking down in her eyes as he was waiting for the coffee machine to make coffee.

     “You know I should be. You know that I l-” She was cut off by Jiyong turning to her suddenly and it even made me even gasp.

     “Is it like or love? Or isn’t it just all an obsession Krystal? Fine, I and Taeyeon are going to break up, but I will never date you. Now that I think about it, did we ever have a relationship? We didn’t. I was just playing around with you because it was fun, but it isn’t even fun anymore. You bore me and now you are just ing annoying. Get off my ,” He vulgarly said with agitation flaming in his voice and he turned to leave, forgetting all about the coffee as he faced me.

     It was like all time stopped as everyone just froze at the moment thay the knew I was there and I couldn’t even bring myself to move till I saw Krystal turn her head when I saw a snow flake fleeing down from Krystal’s eyes.

     “Don’t you think you went a little too far?” I confronted Jiyong instantly and stepped up to him, going on the defense right away.

     One thing that doesn’t change is that Krystal is my little sister and I won’t ever let someone get away with making her cry.

     “Are you really saying I’m going too far?” Jiyong asked with a wild smile and looked back at Krystal with a look of disbelief.

     “I know that Krystal has been holding on to your pants legs since forever, but can’t you at least be considerate of a woman’s emotions? My sister likes you ing jerk and even my best friend is in love with you, but look you make both of those people cry and hurt because of you don’t consider them first,” I blared at him as my hands became like two hard rocks ready to strike him with, but it seems my words were daggers themselves as he looked down for a quick moment.

     “Well…then….I don’t know what to say. It’s just…no, it,” He was rambling off till he just gave up and walked around me hurriedly, leaving the staff room at just the moment the coffee machine was pouring his coffee in the paper cup.

     Now only a sniffling girl was in front of me and it hurt my heart tremendously to see her wiping her own tears away. I have been neglecting her as an older sister.

     I walked up close to her and brought my hand up to her face, but she slapped it away as she looked away with her nose turning red like a little red nosed deer.

     “Stop it. I’m not five years old,” She whispered and turned from me, in which I followed her in the turn to keep facing her.

     “When will you give up? You know that he never liked you, right?” I asked her and she wouldn’t meet my eyes.

     She lowered her hand to scratch the side of her neck and sighed before she let it fall by her side.

     “I really do like him. I’m like he says, I’m obsessed with him,” She expressed to me dramatically and looked up with me love sick eyes. Oh God.

     “How did you two even get started?” I asked her, really wondering how all this come to happen.

     “We first met at a fashion show here in Seoul four years ago and he followed me on Instagram, in which his fans started attacking me on there so I deleted my Instagram to solve that problem. But, then he felt sorry and got my number from someone, texting me for drinks and then it was an off and on ual relationship,” She confided to me and I was just breathless. I didn’t find out any of this till this very moment. I am deeply ashamed.

     “D-Did you ever do any drugs?” I asked since this was my top concern all this time and she looked away without saying anything.

     With the palm of my hand, I slapped her shoulder.

     “Tell me!” I commanded loudly. M-My sister couldn’t have be an addict all this time, but then again she is good at hiding stuff and sneaking around. What did he give her?! Heroin!? N-No, !?

     “We just did weed. I refused all others,” She finally cowered in a whisper as I was having a mental breakdown and my mouth fell into a long flight of stairs, where shock crawled up and down them.

     “H-He offered you other drugs beside weed!? And, how could you even do weed!?” I was yelling at her and she just sighed as if she was already tired of this.

     “Are you really telling me you haven’t even done weed yet sis? We come from California after all,” She said with an attitude and my eyes flared wide, in which she instantly dodged my hand about to slap the back of her head.

     “Yah! What the hell is up with you!?” She shrieked at me as she stood by the door of the room now, ready to run and my hormones were raging like crazy now.

     “Just because the government makes it legal that still doesn’t makes it right!” I hollered at her from the bottom of my lungs to the point that even steam could emit from my ears.

     “Well, at least I’m not a lawless child,” She teased and that set the bomb off. She just totally went there.

     “Why you ,” I whispered and immediately lift my foot up, running after as she yelped, dashing down the hallway as I kept chasing after her.

     “Soojung you better come here!” I bellowed at her as I became light on my feet, but she still outran me to the parking lot, by getting in her car quickly as I slammed my hand on her window.

     “I’m going to so beat your when I catch you!” I screamed like crazy at her as she just her tongue out at me.

     “That’s if you can after mom and dad tear your up. Dad just bought some new boxing gloves yesterday. You know what that means don’t you?” She asked me and pulled out the parking lot when she stuck her keys in the ignition.

     “Yah! Yah! Dad and mom aren’t really still mad!?” I was demanding her to answer me as I stepped back from the car, but she already pulled off.

     “Soojung!” I screamed her name at the highest octave I could till I knew she couldn’t hear me anymore.

     I swear I’m going to disown that girl one day.

     With complete defeat, I turned around and shut my eyes painfully. When dad sees me again, he is going to want a boxing match. Oh God No. I’m going to need to prepare my funeral arrangements ahead of time.

     God damn you Tyler!

     Like a little kid, I turned in a wild shake and stomped my feet all the way to my car in my little tantrum, till I heard someone calling my name.

     I was about to scream at them till I swallowed my own voice down when I saw it was SM’s secretary running her heels and skirt and jacket uniform.

     “Jessica, wait! Mr. Youngmin said he wanted to talk to you before you leave. Don’t you have your phone on you? I called you like ten times already!” She was barely yelling since she was out of breath and I felt bad for making her run in her heels all this way.

     “I’m sorry…I put it on silent because of the recording,” I tried apologizing but she just scrunched her face up and waved her hand for me to hurry and go see him.

     With a nod to my head, I dashed back inside the building and took the elevator to his floor. While I waited, I was in a midst of a frenzy inside of my head.

     Is he going to go along with my plan? W-Wait, what if he doesn’t? Then…I’m going to have to contact my partners in America. What if they deny to help me then? I will have to run away with Taeyeon then. Then what if they find me? T-Then will I have to do what Jiyong wanted to do…kill him?

     The ding of the elevator made all my wild thoughts disperse and I stepped outside, with my leg ready to give out on me.

     “,” I ended up cursing and I forced myself to stand up properly with the shake of my head.

     Get yourself together Jessica Jung.

     With an inhale for strength and exhale for confidence, I manage to walk to his office and enter after a knock.

     “Jessica,” my name was immediately spoken from Mr. Youngmin and I found that so odd. It would usually be please take a sit, no, it was always that.

     With a cautious look on my face, I took it of my own accords to take a seat in the guest chair as he was standing up with his arms behind his back as he looked out the window view of Seoul.

     “You called for me Sir?” I spoke politely unlike the last time I was here. I mean he really set me off when he said thank you.

     “No, I didn’t necessarily call for you,” He spoke easily and I blinked, unsure what he meant.

     “Then whom did you call for?” I asked, thinking that he made an accident. Was he still thinking about it?

     “I didn’t call for a person, but rather for the plan. Tell me the full plan right now from beginning to end unlike you did before. If you can do that, I have decided I will go along with it,” He said with certainty and turned around looking at me boldly. He has made up his mind.

     I almost wanted to smile, because I did have the full plan now.

     “The plan is just as I told you before, but the issues concerning her with G Dragon have been sorted out. G Dragon offered that he would make it look like he has been cheating on Taeyeon and then they will break up, causing her and Baekhyun to reunite. Baekhyun will then ask her to marry him because he doesn’t want to lose her again. Baekhyun and G Dragon have both agreed to do these things,” I said with a small smile and he gave me a big smile, which was nothing but pure satisfaction.

     He has fallen in my trap.

     “Perfection. I would like to edit this plan myself if I may,” he spoke to me completely intrigued and I nodded, with my hand going up in agreement.

     “Please do,” I said easily since I know how much Mr. Youngmin loves to control the situation.

     “I am still going to remove Taeyeon from the show because of her state of going back and forth in seizures, but I want to see tension between Baekhyun and G Dragon since they are in the same team this time. I want them to stop acting and show their true selves and as for when Baekhyun proposes to Taeyeon, it should be on the day of the fashion show,” He was speaking almost breathlessly from the idea that I knew he thought was so magnificent and I just nodded.

     This man just figured how to make more money out of all this, but I will have to go along with it for now.

     “You do know the original date for the fashion show was March 20, right?” He asked me and I just repeated the date in my mind and shot my head up to look at him. That was in two days from now. Has time really passed by that fast!?

     “Is it still?” I asked kind of flustered and I then remember Krystal saying that all the fashions were done, but I wasn’t really thinking.

     “No, I had postponed the fashion show for an undecided date,” He said and I exhaled greatly from the sudden relief. I was just thinking that Taeyeon would have to be proposed in front of thousands of people in two days! That wouldn’t be enough time according to the plan.

     “I know what you are thinking,” Mr. Youngmin said to me and I nodded with a rugged smile as he continued.

     “I will make a week’s notice of when I figure out when the fashion show should take place. In the mean time, G Dragon should have some pictures and even some footage taken by someone while being with another woman. Have even the reporters to lie that some of the pictures were taken even in the same month they started dating. Once then, I will release a statement that they have broken up. Then Baekhyun will be seen with her during the week till he proposes to her in front of thousands,” He spoke and snapped his fingers with great determination.

     Was he really that engaged in my plan or was it my threat? There has to be a catch. It’s just too easy…life was never this easy.

     “After this happens, what will you want from me and Taeyeon?” I asked him squinting eyes, because I was seeing through him or at least trying.

     “As for Taeyeon she will still be under a contract from SM even if she leaves SNSD just as you did. After she gets herself together, I will push her for solo activities. I doubt she wants to leave the music industry, right?” He asked me and I looked down, unsure.

     “I guess,” I muttered under my breath.

     “As for you Jessica, since I am doing this much for your Taeyeon, I’m going to expect you to do the things Taeyeon did for me as leader. You know you have many politicians that are your fans, including Americans. Why don’t you get into politics?” He asked me and I knew what he meant, which made me hold myself instantly.

     I noticed my sudden movement of fear and I forced myself to let go of myself as I brought my hands to my knees, squeezing them nervously. Just as I read what Taeyeon went through and what Tyler made me do, he wants me to do that.

     All this time Taeyeon has been suffering and I have been smiling in her face pain-free…I deserve this. This is my sacrifice.

     “I think I actually will get into the political world. I look forward to it. Treat me well,” I spoke nicely in a small voice as I gave a half heartedly smile, but I at least tried to smile.

     This time Taeyeon you will be the white butterfly as I am in that casket, okay? I really have nothing to look forward to now but your happiness anyway. Your smile will make me smile. That is all I wish for.

****

     It was now going on two o’clock as I was arriving at the hospital where Taeyeon was and I had bought her a drawing tablet of paper, sketch pencils and coloring pastels since I knew how much she loved to draw.

     Since she had to stay in the hospital longer than usual because of the liver bleeding lie, I’m sure she would be bored just watching TV and looking out the window.

     But, I’m sure she would smile at just the sight of me. I wish I could turn into a flower and sit in a vase for her to continuously look at, but then again she didn’t want me to be a flower. She didn’t want me to die by her side.

     Quickly, I grabbed the stuff I brought before I would become a leaking mess and ran in the building with sunglasses on my face, hoping no one would recognize me.

     In a rush, I raced up to the front desk and used one hand to lower my sunglasses, to show my identity.

     “Oh, go ahead,” The nurse receptionist immediately told me in a quiet whisper and giggled at my disguise, in which I nodded as I turned my body to head off at the direction.

     “One more thing!” She exclaimed suddenly and I turned my head as I froze in my steps, not wanting to waste another second.

     “The nurse had checked on Taeyeon a while ago and she has suddenly become very depressed…I think it’s because we notified her of her visitors that wanted to see her…they are still even in the waiting room since it wasn’t too long ago,” She told me cautiously as she made sure no one was listening on us.

     “W-Who…came to visit?” I asked her with nervousness settling in my veins and she just gave me a big smile. I guess it wasn’t anyone bad then.

     “I think it’s best for you to see them yourself and explain to them as you see fit. They will be in the V.I.P waiting room,” She told me and gave me a firm nod, for me to on ahead.

     My eyes rolled in the direction of that waiting room and my eyebrows furrowed into confusion and curiosity. Who could it be?

     With a twitch of my mouth and a shake of my head, I quickly paced on my feet to go through three sets of doors, which was for the protection of V.I.P visitors along with a body guard on the most outer door.

     When I finally passed through the last door, all winds went down my throat like a pipe and got utterly stuck.

     “Jessica!” A high pitched female exclaimed my name tragically as the melody of more voices combined.

     “Jessica, you have to tell us the truth since no one else will. What’s wrong with my Tae Tae!?” Another one was demanding as she walked up to me, grabbing my arm as my other was clutching a pack of pencils, pastels and drawing tablet to my chest.

     I was now being terrorized by a group of girls cornering me with their tears settling in their eyes and worry the color out their skin.

     “Tiffany…Susan…Sooyoung…Seohyun…Yuri…Yoona…Hyoyeon,” I muttered each of their names breathlessly as my eyes looked back at each one as if I was dreaming. We were almost complete, but one person was missing from this reunion.

     “Jessica, hurry, tell us, my insides are dying right now!” Hyoyeon snapped at me and I could see the redness in her eyes, showing proof that she had been crying.

     All I could do was part my lips and gasp for air like a fish that just jumped out the tank, but I’ve just been put in that tank to breathe.

     “Y-You all came?” I asked and looked down when I realized a wet droplet was running down my face.

     “Yes, we all came. We were so worried about Taeyeon ever since of the news and we saw the pictures…how could we not come?” Seohyun, the youngest one asked at the moment she was tearing up.

     “The nurse told us that Taeyeon doesn’t want to see us, what is all that about?!” Tiffany was still panicking like crazy and I rose my arm up, grabbing hers instead.

     “Taeyeon…” My voice had just faded away with my throat suddenly feel it was strangled and I took a moment to think about it.

     This is Taeyeon’s personal business…but this is Girls Generation. There were nine individual life’s, but joined as one. Still…she must still feel ashamed for being in this situation. It would be wrong of me to tell them everything…so I won’t till she tells me to.

     I shut my eyes with regret and looked back up at them like a set of abondened puppies.

     “Guys…before I can even consider telling you anything about Taeyeon…can you tell me what you all know about Taeyeon’s past?” I asked them, wanting to know how much they knew. Did it just go back to the forced abortion or even further?

     Even tears were suddenly silenced with diverting eyes when I had asked that question.

     I just scoffed lightly as I looked away myself from them. Of course they wouldn’t easily tell me since it has been over about six years now.

     “Why have you guys been hiding this from me…for so long?” I asked, with my own broken shards of my heart falling into complete darkness as I looked at each face, that once use to share everything with me be it a smile, tear or even a disgraceful secret.

     Tiffany eyes rose from the floor as she looked at me eyes that were filled with nothing but mourning. “D-Did you find out?” She asked me and I just laughed, covering my mouth as more rain began to fall.

     “Just tell me why you didn’t tell me,” I exerted, wanting to actually understand them.

     “Isn’t it the same reason why you aren’t telling us about Taeyeon? She’s pregnant again, isn’t she?” Tiffany pushed me boldly, which was just like her and I lowered my hand, staring in her eyes.

     “You use to ‘treat’ me like a friend, like a sister. Do you remember that?” I asked her and she turned her complete body around while she pressed her rounded lips together, trying to fight the tears, but they won and conquered victory on her face.

     “Do all of you remember that?” I asked and I looked at each face, seeing that Sunny or who I prefer to call Susan was crying the most with smeared eyeliner ruining her face.

     “I’m sorry,” Susan wept through her hands.

     “M-Me too,” Yoona cried after her and I looked at Yoona who was like a quivering tree that was stripped by winters cruelty as she kept rubbing her eyes, making them turn red and swell even more.

     “T-Taeyeon was just so pitiful after she was forced to have her baby aborted…and it hurt even more to see you two fight…all the time…all the ing time!” Hyoyeon raised her voice at me, but she was as defenseless as a baby, while she bawled her eyes out without wiping one away since her balled hands were too busy debating rather they should punch something or not.

     “Taeyeon told us not to tell you,” Tiffany finally spoke and turned looking at me with a vast amount of sorrow that swallowed me whole.

     "The deal was to go according with my plan which was to have GD be caught in the news by being seen with another woman. After that they will be announced to have broken up and Taeyeon will be seen with Baekhyun. On the day of The Collaboration fashion show, Baekhyun will propose to Taeyeon," I told them one part, before I would continue on, knowing how crazy and unimaginable this sounded.

     "Ha! Are you kidding me? You're orchestrating Taeyeon to have some damn gunshot wedding!?" Hyoyeon's anger broke out like dogs being released from their chains and I just scoffed, knowing that this would happen.

     "Why can't Taeyeon just marry GD?" The petite voice came from Seohyun, looking at me with those wide terrified eyes like a terrified baby owlet.

     My eyes looked down, knowing how hard it was to explain this to them. I guess I would have to tell them a little bit more, so they can help not me, but Taeyeon. I can't do this alone.

     I looked around and saw a moveable chair. "I need to tell you guys more about what happened to Taeyeon," I dreaded to even whisper, before I turned around to go get the chair.

     Once I moved it in the center of them, I took a seat and held my hands together, hoping things could come as one like my hands.

     "W-What else is there to know?" Tiffany questioned me and I raised my head, looking right across from her where she sat next to Susan, whose eyes looked as if blood seeped into the sclera of them.

     There's so much more to know, but I will only open just a crack so you can at least understand there's a leakage in the roof that needs fixing.

     "It was a couple days of ago before Taeyeon was stabbed by a fan, but she had a seizure and that seizure caused her to lose her memory," I stated in one sentence, knowing that confusion already settled in through the waves of new knowledge.

     "She had another seizure!?" Tiffany exclaimed and stood up, looking down at me madly, in which I shot my head up, looking at her with vast eyes as I felt a rain drop that belonged to her land on my cheek.

     "So...you guys knew about that also?" I exhaled out in complete distrust and shook my head, but I was wrong here.

     "T-Taeyeon had seizures?" Susan asked Tiffany, looking at the back of hers as Tiffany suddenly looked away, knowing she knew this kept this from all of us.

     "Yeah...are you saying Taeyeon had seizures before…and even now?" Sooyoung asked as well from the opposite side of Tiffany and Tiffany pressed her lips hard together as if she wished they could melt together.

     "I've only seen her have a seizure once," She finally confided, not feeling as guilty since it just happened to be a onetime thing.

     "Once?" Yoona asked with disgust immediately and I just looked at Tiffany, demanding to know not just more but everything.

     "It was after she came back from her vacation at Jeju Island.  After we were all called back to the SNSD dorm, Taeyeon seemed to be having some issues with Mr. Youngmin, but she wouldn't tell me what about, but she eventually told all of us excluding Jessica what Mr. Youngmin made her do after she was made to break up with Xia. It wasn't long till I saw her in the room we shared and she grabbed my arm with this terrified face not to tell anyone...and then...and then," Tiffany just had this wretched face as she shook her head, finding it difficult for the words to even come out.

     "And then what?!" Hyoyeon exclaimed with her own eyes becoming like fragile glass and the shards finally broke down her cheeks.

     "She just started shaking uncontrollably till she fell down at my own feet...I didn't know what to do but scream and cry. After that she fell asleep....and when she woke up, she made me promised to not to tell anyone...especially Jessica," She whispered and looked at me, making me fall deeper in that black hole I was just starting to climb out of.

     "Jessica, don't you see? I know you felt hurt and betrayed by all of us because things were never the same, but Taeyeon was still protecting you even though she was hurt. And, you think it was Taeyeon who wanted you out of SNSD, but it wasn't her, but Mr. Youngmin all by himself. He already had a strong dislike for you because you wanted to make a fashion agency and a situation came up," she said and the suspense had already murdered my heart. What more did it want, my soul?

     "What situation?" I managed to ask as I was gripping the edge of my sweater, while Tiffany kept her eyes locked with mines till she told me.

     "A politician needed to cover up his own scandal, so he contacted Mr. Youngmin as the head of SM and he saw getting rid of you as a perfect opportunity. There’s no bigger scandal than having the nations girl group lose a member and even more, having the fans believe we did it or even simply Taeyeon had something to do with it. You should know better, that every one of us doesn’t have any say so or power in things such as that. I bet all this time you thought Taeyeon was the one who signed the papers to get rid of Jessica Jung, well this where the sun shines Jessica. Does it feel good?" She asked me vulgarly and everything froze before me be it time or space, life or death.

     “Will you listen? I’m softly singing this song for you Can you feel? Our hearts are shared with each other. Song for you,” she managed to end her long note with fisted hands for strength of sister hood.

     Then I opened my eyes with beaded stars cascading down from eyes as I saw Seohyun walked in next, standing next to Tiffany with a tender smile that cried of hope and love, before she parted her lips singing.

     “Don’t just trap yourself in a strong image. Sometimes, you can take out your soft face that you’ve hidden away.”

     “Same as you,” Yuri added in as she entered the room with crystals in her eyes that she wanted to share only with Taeyeon.

     I turned my head, looking at the side of Taeyeon as she was gripping more on her face, while she was painfully peeling away the shame till it bled.

     Yoona finally walked in next, joining the line up as she first had her eyes on the floor, scared to see Taeyeon, but she had to let her know that she was with her as she sung her low keyed part, “Sometimes I get worried about useless fights”

     “Same as you,” Yuri sung again deep from the heart and I felt that just as deep, because we fought so much to be only scared and worried to the end about each other feelings, about our relationship. I know I still do.

     “And regret over my pointless complaints,” Sooyoug barely managed to croon in the right vocals and I could feel an endless run of wetness down my own face as Yoona’s body wasn’t the only thing quivering, but also her marbled eyes.

     Then all their voices combined as one, singing a line that reached the caverns of our hearts, soothing our pains and it was the only thing that kept me going all this time.

“Never gonna look back, girls
Never gonna look back, girls.”

     I then looked at Taeyeon who had lowered her hand, as she looked down sinking it all in as I placed my hand on her back, that made her sharply inhale as I sung her part of the song for her.

     “Without being shaken towards our dreams, we’ll keep walking.”

     Taeyeon shut her eyes as she took in a slow shaky breath as once more love was in the air like wind as we all sung together.

     “Never gonna look back, girls. Never gonna look back, girls. A bright light is in our hearts”

     “The story will be written, yes it is,” Sunny entered the room with confidence that we were all going to mend a broken heart and Taeyeon finally began to turn her head, looking at me with eyes that wanted to reach out and grab me close to her.

     We were finally complete when Hyoyeon entered after Yuri’s sung,” If someone close by forgets and leaves behind their dream for a moment.”
     “We’ll just chase them and raise them up when they fall,” Hyoyeon sung in her deep voice that just resonated our hearts and Taeyeon lowered her head to only pick it right back up as we continued our song.

     “Same as you. When you don’t even want to look at the sky Same as you. Dream of a love that you can lean on and rest in.”

We are that love that you can lean on and rest in Taeyeon.

    “Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls
     There is a path for us in this world
     Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls
     The end of this journey is still far ahead
     Towards the future, story goes on.”

     We sung the chorus all together and Taeyeon was even mouthing the lyrics and I took her hand as she started to turn completely around, in which all stopped singing as Taeyeon took a moment looking at everyone with a shake of her head in disbelief.

     I inhaled deeply, to sing her next part but she joined me in which my eyes widened with a smile as we harmonized.

     “Stop! Won’t get lost anymore, won’t ever give up,” She sung with me and gripped my hand, in which she began to stand up and I followed.

     “In this blurry world, let’s make a big and dazzling flower bloom,” Seohyun sung with ripples wavering her voice as Taeyeon was looking at them with heartfelt emotions.

     “I will always be with you, whenever you call my name,” Tiffany voice became stronger as she walked closer to her, with all the members stepping up closer with a smile starting to form on their quivering lips and the edges of Taeyeon’s lips began to rise as while, matching the next line sung by Yoona.
     “Your white smile is prettier than anything else,” she sung and Taeyeon’s smile grew even more to the point I thought sunbeams were stitched to her smiles and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

     I finally looked down at our hands that eventually started to hold one another, till we were in one circle, one world as we all sung together, remembering our past but proceeding on with her present so we can see our future.

We were in unsion, in harmony and we didn’t’ even fear no gravity.

     “So I’m,
     Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls
     Without being shaken towards our dreams,
     we’ll keep walking
     Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls
     A bright light is in our hearts
     The story will be written, yes it is.

     Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls
     (Never looking back~)
     There is a path for us in this world
     Never gonna look back, girls
     Never gonna look back, girls.”
 

     “The end of this journey is still far ahead,” Taeyeon ended the song with a laugh shaking out all the tears.

     It was okay to fall down as long as you were willing to get back up and we have nine people here who are willing to hold each other’s hand. How can we not get back up?

     After the song had ended, Taeyeon lowered her head and showed her white smile with rain pouring down hard from her eyes, but just as the sun rises to dry the rain, Taeyeon’s face rose, looking at us, holding on to my hand tighter.

     “Let’s never look back girls,” She said with a small laugh and we all formed a group hug that never felt so warm, safe and reliable. This was the world for me to feel this and it just felt too good to be real, but it was. It was really real.

     Finally, after a song brought us together, we got Taeyeon to sit back on her bed as a few of us sat in chairs and the rest stood up, looking at Taeyeon, wanting to remain by her side forever, not even wanting to be apart for a single second just as I did.

     I stood behind Tiffany as she sat in a chair, holding Taeyeon’s hand as Taeyeon warmly smiled, finally breaking that shell she formed around her just a while ago.

     “We know everything Taeyeon and we will do anything to protect you. We all just want you happy,” Tiffany spoke the words that I felt in the confinements of my heart. Finally, it felt so good to be with people that thought and felt exactly like me.

     Sunny was sitting on the bed next to Taeyeon, holding her other hand, caressing it tenderly and I just smiled, finding the enjoyment of Taeyeon receiving so much love. How could one feel neglected now?

     They already knew now to mention anything regarding the past abortion Taeyeon had, since she wouldn’t remember it. All she had was a dream, thinking it was destined to happen, but I’ve solved that problem.

     “I-I was so worried…that you guys would hate me,” Taeyeon whispered and looked into each of their eyes, turning her head to see their expressions and they either shook their head or said no.

     “We love you,” Many of them said at the same time and Taeyeon had the biggest smile as tears of happiness spilled down her cheeks.

     “Thank you…Thank you so much for loving me,” She wept and Tiffany leaned over, wiping her tear away.

     After a little bit of talking about Taeyeon how she felt and what was going to happen after this, it just happened that we came up with an idea since the sun was setting with an obsidian velveteen sky. Tonight was a perfect and no we could not wait. It was either now or never and of course we chose now.

****

     At the hospital’s front desk, I talked to the nurse, telling her what the girls did for Taeyeon after they left. She was completely enraptured in the emotions and bond that we all had.

     “That’s so sweet. God, I wish I had a friendship like that, but it’s so hard to find it or even more, trust people these days,” She told me and I just nodded, looking down, knowing how hard it must be to trust a ‘friend’ one hundred percent without them disappointing you.

     “Just keep watching and listening. It’s the ones that care if they hurt you and even see you hurt be it mentally or phsically. It has to be both or that person feelings toward you was never real rather it be a friend or even a lover,” I shared with her from personal experience.

     “I shall. Thank you Jessica. Will you be visiting later tonight?” She asked me and I gave a small deceiving grin.

“No, sadly, I will be pulling an all nighter to catch up on the work since I’ve been on a Hiatus. Please look after Taeyeon,” I said and bowed to her, before I placed my sunglasses back on my face, racing to my car only once I was outside.

     With a care free laugh, I started my car quickly and drove around the hospital to the back exit, waiting for Tiffany to do her part.

     She thought that all of the girls left because they quickly put sunglasses on their face and ran out from the midst of fans waiting near by the doors since it got out in the news that all of the SNSD members were seen entering the hospital one by one for visiting Taeyeon.

     But, everyone left except Tiffany. If anyone would be bold enough to stay jammed up in the bathroom’s utility closet, it would be Tiffany.

     That girl even once jumped a gate in our trainee days when Taeyeon’s kite flew into someone’s yard. Strangely, she was athletic when all she ever did was dance or shop.

     To remember those days were an immense pleasure as I waited for a good while till I noticed the door creeping open and a wild smile filled my lips as I saw Taeyeon be pushed out by Tiffany, in which I noticed she changed into the blue and white pajamas we got for her.

     At least if she was in the hallway, no one would think she was leaving. She just got special treatment as an Idol to wear pajamas besides a hospital gown. And, besides, this was all for a Soshi Slumber Party after all.

     “Hurry, hurry,” Tiffany was telling Taeyeon quickly when she opened the passenger’s side and Taeyeon quickly climbed up in my car.

     Tiffany turned her head, looking left and right suspiciously as she shut the door, before she got in the back.

     “Let’s go!” Tiffany exclaimed with a bright smile and gripped the sides of the passenger and driver’s seat to lean up closer, looking at Taeyeon who was softly giggling.

     “Soshi time here we come,” I squealed and immediately turned my key for the car to rumble on and I hit the breaks to speed down the streets of sweet freedom.

     I almost laughed from the thought of Taeyeon being a runaway patient, because I had been a runaway bride before. Just that thought made my happiness meter go down a bit, but Taeyeon brought it back before I could remember…him.

     “Don’t you think we are too old to have a slumber party?” Taeyeon asked and giggled almost girlishly and I was…shocked.

     Was it all those bad memories that made Taeyeon so cold, serious and act almost like a rigid boy? If it wasn’t for her beauty, I would have sworn she was just a boy living in a woman’s body.

     “Old!?” Tiffany exclaimed and leaned more forward, with her hair dangling in her own chest like chimes.

     “You heard that Jessica?!” She spurted out and laughed loudly, making her eyes squeeze together in an eye smile that was the fine print signature for her face.

     Tiffany turned her head back at Taeyeon and poked her forehead with one finger, which was something that they did with each other after they became close and we distanced. I was always jealous…and hurt when I watched them two. I always was.

     “You just turned 28 and I and Jessica both turn 28 also in a few months. Bottom line, we are share the same year and look at us, don’t we still have supple skin and beauty? How can you classify ourselves as old!?” She was playing with Taeyeon, but it seemed Taeyeon wasn’t getting it as she rubbed the nape of her neck.

     “I wasn’t saying that we were old. I know we still have youth…but too old for slumber parties,” Taeyeon spoke awkwardly and I was starting to doubt it was a good idea to be doing this.

     “We are Girls’ Generation, we can have slumber parties even when we are like 90 years old,” Tiffany said and budged my arm with hers as she chuckled.

     “Ha, isn’t that right Jessica?” She asked me and I just smiled. Would we really be with each other till 90 years old and even after death possibly? I really hope we can.

     I was starting to doubt our friendship as I was tearing up while I was driving. What if Taeyeon starts to remember everything…what will happen then? I already know…I will have to leave again, but that’s fine. It will be the end…and then I can finally say I’m sorry at least.

     “W-Why are you crying Jessica?” I head Taeyeon ask me and I immediately woke up out of my thoughts to quickly wipe away the tears from my face with the back of my hand.

     “O-Oh…I was just thinking that’s all,” I stuttered, since I was about to use the excuse that the wind was getting in my eye, but the windows were rolled up.

     “What were you thinking about?” She continuously asked me and I just smiled enough to show my teeth as I turned my head, seeing Tiffany’s clueless expression, but most of all Taeyeon’s concern.

     “I was thinking that you didn’t like this idea we came up with for the slumber party. We prepared so much for this and all,” I started sobbing, but she reached over, grabbing my leg with desperation.

     “I love it! We are never too old to enjoy a slumber party. Let’s do it!” She instantly got the energy to be up for this solely for me and I just smiled, looking towards the road that was endless and unpredictable.

     You’re spoiling me too much Taeyeon. If you keep this up, I will only become a heart broken brat in the end. Life won’t ever be the same when it changes and I think I’ll be able to adjust either.

     Finally, I had reached our destination after going through security gates to be at one of the most expensive apartment buildings in Seoul. This is where the current and newest SNSD dorm was at and it’s been three years since I’ve been here myself. I’m sure its interior must have changed so much.

     As we got out the car in the parkinglot, I watched Taeyeon look around a couple of times before she took my hand with a tight lipped smile, which just made me fall in love with her.

     I seriously think if I was a male, I would so have fallen for her to the point that I would propose to her everyday till she said yes, but unfortunately I am a straight female. But, it is nice to imagine sometimes.

     Turning her head from me, she reached her hand out for Tiffany’s and Tiffany took it more than gladly as we all walked into the building, taking the elevator to the highest floor, that being the 15^th floor and we approached the door that didn’t have an apartment number, but rather the letters SNSD. I see that changed, since it use to be 109, which meant one only as nine.

     Tiffany took the pleasure of knocking lightly on the glossy door that was still the color of pastel rose pink.

     We waited for a few seconds, knowing they had to be looking through the security cameras, where one was in the keyhole of the door, above our heads and down the hallways or at least it was like that three years ago for extra protection for strangers and specifically anti and saesang fans.

     God, mentioning them, I’m glad Taeyeon can’t remember about that bloody birthday gift Jiyong told me about.

     We all looked to the right, where there was a button to allow to speak to the person on the other side of the door when we heard a funny voice talk.

     “What is the password?”

     I knew who this was and it made me laugh.

     “Aish, she would do this,” Tiffany sighed out with distress and looked toward my direction since the intercom button was there.

     Taeyeon blinked, showing confusion so I guess she couldn’t figure out who was saying this.

     Tiffany stepped over to my side, without letting go of Taeyeon’s hand as she pressed the button, looking away as she talked.

     “Yuri Kwon is a ,” Tiffany said and laughed loudly after letting go of the button, in which I and Taeyeon chuckled along.

     “Ehhhhhh. Wrong. What is the password,” Yuri kept up with her jokes and Tiffany rolled her eyes before she pressed the button.

     “Ugh, let me just get this over with,” She spoke with a breathy attitude and let go of the button before she, released Taeyeon’s hand softly to stand in front of the door as she leaned over, in which I just blinked and held in my laughter as much as possible.

     “Ildeohagi ileun gwiyomi
     Eeldeohagi eeneun gwiyomi
     Samdeohagi sameun gwiyomi
     Gwigwi gwiyomi gwigwi gwiyomi
     Sadeohagi sado gwiyomi
     Ohdeohagi ohdo gwiyomi
     Yukdeohagi yukeun jjokjjokjjokjjokjjokjjok gwiyomi nan gwiyomi,” She sung out in a cute little voice with the hand signs over the eyes and cheeks.

*Translation: 1 plus 1 equals Gwiyomi
2 plus 2 equals Gwiyomi
3 plus 3 equals Gwiyomi
4 plus 4 equals Gwiyomi too
5 plus 5 equals Gwiyomi too
6 plus 6 equals chu chu chu chu chu chu Gwiyomi
I’m Gwiyomi(meaning I’m cute)

     She did the complete gwiyomi part with a cute pained smile as she did it, but I was just laughing from how cute she was.

     When she turned around, it looked like she could burn down a village without even blinking and Taeyeon quickly snatched her hand down from with puffed cheeks to stop laughing.

     I can understand how tiring it must be, especially when you are made to do gwiyomi about ten times day since you were like five and even more when the day you decide to become an Idol.

     “You got the password right!” Yuri exclaimed happily through the intercom as Tiffany looked down, kind of passed as she took Taeyeon’s hand back.

     “Now what is the second password?” Yuri voice went back in that scruffy one and Tiffany’s eyes blared before she quickly walked to the intercom, almost snatching Taeyeon’s arm off as she pressed the button.

     “Yuri Kwon there is no damn second password! I swear if you don’t open this door Imma tell Tae-” She was cut off instantly with the door opening with a bright smile on the tan face of Yuri.

     “Welcome to Girls Generation Slumber Party!” Yuri blurted happily with her hand up in the air and Tiffany just smiled as well, rubbing off what just happened, before letting go of Taeyeon’s hand again to hug Yuri.

     “It turns out Taeyang is the second password, eh?” Tiffany asked and even though Yuri was pretty dark skinned, you can see the red blush form on her cheeks instantly.

     “Anyway…” Yuri spoke awkwardly and turned, while pushing Tiffany off in the opposite direction where music was blasting off.

     I just gave Yuri a sly smile, figuring it out that it was Taeyang before Tiffany even said so, because I knew he was Yuri’s crush since our debut days.

     Poor girl, she never got the chance to confess to him and now Baekhyun is rumored to be ‘dating’ him.

     “Come on in,” She said and reached for my free hand, dragging me in, which leaded us in the hallways with Taeyeon being pulled with me.

     Yuri shut the door behind us and my eyes immediately began roaming about in complete astonishment and bewilderment at this hallway, which should lead to the living room was decorated with a checkered design on the walls, ceiling and even a floor.

     “Wow,” I spoke breathlessly as I felt my own self slowly being hypnotized and Yuri chuckled as she looked back at me, while Taeyeon was looking at my own expressions, since I suppose she remembers this place easily.

     “It has been a long time and everything has changed,” Yuri said with a tilt of her head, trying to meet my eyes in which she finally did when I looked at her with curiosity starting to grow even wilder.

     “Let’s keep going,” Yuri sighed from my complete daze as she came behind us and pushed us by our backs out the hallway, where we were welcomed by a red carpet and two people throwing confetti in the air.

     “Tada,” was dragged out in excitement by the gleaming faces of Susan with her blonde hair in a swirl on her head as she wore a green froggy designed pajamas and the other face was our lovely Maknae Seohyun as she wore a bunny pajamas with white and pink in the mixture on them.

     With a giant smile tattooed to my face right about now, I looked at the two and then at the large living room decked out with the same checkered board tiled floor that I saw in the hallway, but it had a large hot pink rug that covered most of it.

     On one side of the rug, was a large white and black couch that was in a shape of an L with zebra pillows while one person was sitting there with a game controller in their hand, facing a large TV that I would have thought to be at least 60 inches.

     I turned my head, seeing beautiful pink see through drapes in front of the large scenery window, where you couldn’t see anything due to the blinds being closed, but light was provided from a blinding diamond chandelier.

     On the walls, I saw many paintings and there was even an aquarium of many fishes ranging from gold fishes and angel fishes.

     After looking at this fish tank, I had realized I was still holding Taeyeon’s hand and I finally released it, finding my hand suddenly cold.

     “Where is everyone else?” I asked Yuri, Susan and Seohyun who was just following me as I was looking around.

     Before they answered, I turned around to notice that music I heard playing was coming from the door by the spiral stairs that should have leaded to the bed rooms.

     “Well you can see Yoona is indulged in her video games over there since she follows after you when it comes to cooking,” She said in a small whisper and I rose my eyebrows up in defense, but I knew Yuri meant no harm. She was more playful than ever.

     Now that I think about it…where did Tiffany go?

     “Everyone else went into the kitchen, since we are preparing dinner,” Sunny added on quickly and came in front of us, but never forgetting to look at Taeyeon with a sincere smile.

     Taeyeon hadn’t said anything, but was just observing. What was going on in the depths of her mind? I really want to know.

     “Jessica, let’s go change,” I heard my name called from Tiffany’s voice and I looked up at the stairs seeing Tiffany lower her head down while shaking some clothes in her hands that I noticed to be pajamas.

     “Oh,” I blurted out and looked at Taeyeon as if I was asking for approval, in which she just chuckled and nodded.

     “This won’t be a slumber party if you don’t change in pajamas. Go ahead, I’ll go help these inexperience ones in the profession of cooking,” She playfully said and gave me a playful gigle, in which I was glad she was now easing up, but for me…it was still odd.

     How would I not know when I would be pushed out in the streets again, to be abandoned? I was afraid…so afraid at the moment when something would go wrong, but right now I had to drown that fear.

     “Alright, I’ll be back quickly,” I said to Taeyeon and Susan gave me a quick wink to let me know she would watch Taeyeon. I prayed that this situation wouldn’t cause any altercations or any seizures. Lord, please.

     With a turn on my heels, I quickly went up the  carpeted white stairs, following Tiffany in a room that was filled with nothing by pink, be it a pink bed, pink curtains, pink floor or even pink teddy bears.

     Pink was Tiffany’s favorite color and she swore that no one on this earth had the right to wear pink but her.

     If she was an autocratic queen, she would change the color for baby girls to wear purple after they were born. It was that serious.

     “Here, I got you a white and blue snowflake one since Seohyun took the bunny rabbit one,” Tiffany spoke politely to me as she handed me the satin pajamas and I took them in my hands.

     Immediately she rolled up her shirt, showing her hot pink laced bra she wore underneath, which reminded me of the old days.

     To undress with one another and get prepared for the day coming was the normal yesterday, but it seemed like such an important event in life now. How come did I just notice it now?

     “Y-You don’t want to undress with me here? You can use the bathroom if you need privacy then,” She spoke easily as she was taking off her blue jeans, but I shook my head.

     “Oh, no. I was just remembering the old days and how I’m just realizing how everything we did was so important. To undress or even dress together. We did everything together be it smiling or crying,” I told her and she stopped from buttoning her pajama top on instantly as she looked at me, deep in thought.

     “That’s deep Jessica…I never thought about it like that, but you’re right. We were never alone…it must have been so lonely and painful to be alone,” She whispered in regret and I rubbed my lips as I felt my eyes burning.

     To divert myself from crying, I grabbed the hemming of my sweater and pulled it over my head, taking it off, revealing my black and white laced underwear.

     “It was really painful Tiffany,” I confessed to her and she just nodded, looking down sadly before continuing to finish getting dressed.

     Finally, together with redeemed smiles, we stepped down the stairs quickly, calling it a tie at the last step and saw that even Yoona was missing from the couch.

     We looked at one another with a shrug and then headed to the kitchen, pushing the door open and I was welcomed to a spacious, fancy kitchen with sleek black and silver walls, white tiled floors, black counter tops and a checkered design bar with four stools on each side, but there was an extra white stool on one side for me.

     If it wasn’t for this peppy music being played and the smiling faces that looked at me, I would have broke down and cried because of that ninth stool, but look there is still a tear in the corner of my eye.

     This moment was just so ing perfect.

     “Jessica and Tiffany just because you two can’t cook doesn’t mean you two won’t help out,” The head chef or the cooking perfectionist we call her said as she came up to his with happiness expelling from her lips, placing a carrot in Tiffany’s hand and a knife in mines.

     “Right away Chef Hyoyeon,” Tiffany spoke with respect as if it was no problem and bowed to her, since she was really wearing a chef’s hat on her head, matching the green, red and white watermelons that were on her pajamas along with the red apron she wore over it.

     This all really seemed like a dream as I was still standing there, frozen in the midst of time being in motion as I saw Hyoyeon going over to a bowl, mixing the contents as Taeyeon was standing next to her, adding in ingredients as she looked up at me with a smile blooming on her face and rose her shoulders up in a secret giggle.

     Are you sure that I haven’t found a time machine and went back seven years in time? I say that, because it sure feels like it, like we never argued in that living room, like we never said those hurtful things.

     All what existed in this universe was love.

     Over on the other side of the kitchen I saw Susan leaning against the sink, laughing to the point her cheeks made her eyes close as Seohyun was next to her, pointing at Yoona who was badly peeling an apple.

“Yah, don’t make fun of me. You know apples are my greatest enemies,” Yoona pouted and slammed down the apple into the crust pan in front of her, giving up.

     “Are you sure it is not you that is the apple's enemy? Here, give it to me,” Sunny said with a cheeky grin as she held her hand out, in which Yoona picked up the apple, giving it to her in one hand and the knife in the other.

     “You have to put the edge of the knife against the apple skin, with your finger right on top of the blade,” Sunny was instructing her and Yoona eyes became so wide I thought they would pop out like golf balls.

     “Are you trying to make me kill myself!?” Yoona exclaimed and Sunny dropped her arms as if she lost hope, but rose them back up, not giving up.

     “Oh, come on. You play all those RPG games, without even batting an eye that your characters will all die out within five seconds. Are you that cold hearted?” She asked with squinting eyes as Yoona crossed her arms guiltily, looking away.

     “I’m not cold, I’m warm…ha, do you remember that time Yuri said Jessica was warm ice?” Yoona suddenly remembered something and turned her head to talk back to Susan, but then looked back at me, raising her hand.

     “Oh, there goes warm ice now!” Yoona shouted and Susan looked towards my direction, with her lips instantly blooming spring. I thought I really could die right now happily as I began to walk over to them, but someone grabbed my hand, stopping me.

     “She’s my warm ice,” Yuri exclaimed playfully and Yoona charged over, grabbing my other hand, pulling on me lightly as Tiffany was watching with big eyes.

     “No, she’s my warm ice,” Yoona protested with a stomp of her foot and I just turned my head from the left to right as if I was caught up in a love triangle.

     My voice was echoed through the entire dorm as I stood in that spotlight of Taeyeon’s eyes,” As we pass by a fragrant road in this beautiful season my cautious footsteps pound in my head.

     Taeyeon eyes became like the stars as she rose her microphone near her lips as well as she sung for me.

     “When you come closer while smiling for me
     It feels like all the happiness in this world is mine.”

     When her lips pressed together for the music to continue we both gave each other a smile, feeling that happiness was only ours.

     We then turned her head, looking at Susan’s love sick eyes as she sung with warmth radiating from her big cheeks forming another smile.
     “The late afternoon sun wakes me up.”

     Then Tiffany came right in our circle of found hope and dreams that turned out to be just really fate and reality as she tilted her head, showing endearment and compassion.

     “And I don't know why but I smile.” She laughed lightly and I nodded, letting her know that we all can agree like that, wondering how we can be so happy.

     Then together we all inhaled and reclaimed the sky in one harmony as our hearts pounded symphonies.

     “Although it might still be far in the future
     I don't want it to just be a dream
     Just one love
     I hope the road we walk…” we were placing all of our hope in a basket we gave to one another with a tear dazzling from our eyes like stars.

     And Taeyeon guaranteed those hopes as she looked at each of us with a nod of her head, singing the last line that matched the discontinued off one, “on is the same.”

     I thought Susan would sing Seohyun’s next part due to the vocal comparisons, but it was Seohyun who sung her part as she came out the kitchen with Hyoyeon, Sooyoung and Yoona next to her, still wearing their aprons.

     “Good morning, Every morning your call wakes me up,” She harmonized with the music and lifted up her hand, wiping away the tear to replace it with a smile.

     “It feels like the morning we share together” Yoona sung next, while holding her hands, enraptured in the synergy that was being emitted from all our hearts through our voices like a gateway to paradise.

     Taeyeon turned her body around completely with her eyes basking in warmth as she stepped up to them, holding the microphone a bit tighter, not wanting to ever let go of this moment. “You are more sweeter,” she sung half of the verse.

     Hyoyeon stepped forward with her eyes squinting from the ocean wanting to drown her, but she was able to control it so she could express herself.

     “Than the pretty candy you gave to me like in a movie,” Hyoyeon finished off the verse.

     We all then walked toward one another and formed that circle once more, synching together, never feeling so alive ever before simply because we were bred by undying love.

     “Although as time passes, we may change
     Let's not let go of our hands
     Just for love
     Its going to be your last love forever,” the sounds of everlasting love escaped from our voices and ran a vibration down the curve of my spine.

     “So lean on me,” Tiffany reassured the promise even more

     “Your love is so,” Sunny looked at Tiffany and then at Seohyon who reached her hand out as she expressed herself in the next line.

     “Special to me,” she said and I shook my head, just couldn’t believe it as I stepped forward, just as we did on stage with me being in the center.

     Only a few seconds were given to us to go back in our hearts, pulling out what was behind and I rose my head high, knowing we surpassed heaven as I shut my eyes belting out the high notes.

     “Oh it’s true
     While looking at each other I want to be by your side,” I sung truthfully.

     For so many years, even when I was still in SNSD, I wanted to be by everyone’s side like we were now. I dreamt for this day. I wished on dandelions to even shooting stars. I prayed for this to the point I even begged on my knees. I know how important it is now not to give up. I know.

     It was okay to let the tears flow as I opened my eyes, looking around seeing so many people that loved me and my eyes stopped on Taeyeon as we all sung the chorus.

     “I have changed a lot due to time
     but I won’t let go of your hands
     Just for love
     Its going to be your last love forever…”

     “So lean on me,” Taeyeon sung out and I just softly laughed. Is it really okay to lean on you Taeyeon? I think I will only be able to do so unless you lean on my first.

     I then stepped backwards, where my spot was reopened, making the complete circle as I brought my lowered hand up as I sung the second to closing line. “To make my life complete”

     Tiffany usually ended this off, but she permitted it to Taeyeon as she rose her microphone and let her voice resonate out specifically for me with the voice of warm chiffon, “You make my life complete.”

****

     Candlelit star lights dazzled in the night sky as we all sat on the rooftop of our dorm at a circular couch that had rounded table inside of it.

     In the air was the appetizing scent of food prepared well on that table as we all sat, looking at each other with the lamps around us, providing light for us as we laughed with endless jolly, talking with a future and loved like no other ever before.

     Our love was now in the stars and we can see them anytime, but my star is the one who sat across from me as she giggled lightly with Tiffany as she was taking a small sip of the water that was on the table.

     “How do you like the apple pie?” Susan asked me since she was sitting next to me and I turned my head as my mouth was stuffed with food and I held my hand on my mouth, swallowing the pasta I was eating.

     “Oh, I haven’t had any yet,” I told her and she quickly stood up, stealing the pie from Yuri on the other side of the table, who looked up like a sad little kid.

     “We only made two, don’t eat it all up,” She chastised Yuri, but she couldn’t even talk since she already ate about two thirds of the pie with Yoona.

     It’s not like those two need to worry about weight since they were the tall ones. It’s the short ones that need to be concerned about gaining weight like Susan and Taeyeon. Those were the shorties of the group.

     “Here,” Sunny spoke politely and placed a small piece on my plate, in which I nodded with gratitude.

     She watched me place it in my mouth and it was like heaven on my tongue in which I hummed in complete ecstasy.

     “Having a foodgasm?” I heard Hyoyeon laugh hysterically across the table and I covered my mouth, completely embarrassed and Taeyeon chuckled.

     “Such a ert!” Susan exclaimed with a wild smile and Hyoyeon winked.

     “Oh, it’s never too late to join Club Byuntae,” Hyoyeon teased and bumped Taeyeon’s arm, knowing she was really the founder of the club that meant ert since our debut days. I was in that club myself.

     “I’ll pass. Let me know when there’s a Bi-Rain fan club,” Susan teased and shot a gun at Hyoyeon before she slapped on her thigh, breaking out in a shy laugh.

     “Ha! You are still holding to that crush for Bi-Rain when him and Kim Tae Hee are married now?!” Hyoyeon protested across the table and Taeyeon then shook her head, looking at Susan.

     “Ah!” Taeyeon snapped her fingers and she instantly stole my attention, specifically everyone’s.

     “Sunny can be the other woman,” Taeyeon popped and Hyoyeon dropped , looking at Susan with a discreet look.

     “I never knew our sunshine to be a naughty girl,” Hyoyeon snickered before she picked up her glass, having a swig of the soda she had in her glass, but looked at the empty glass as if it wasn’t strong enough. Oh, oh. I know what that means.

     “What!?” Sunny exclaimed insanely and turned her head while she fanned her hot face.

     “I’m not into affairs? What do you take me for?” Sunny laughed outrageously and I just chuckled at her, finding her expression contradicting her statement.

     “Oh really? Don’t you remember that time you were with Taeyeon in our trainee days and she fussed out a girl that came after you because you went out on a date with her boyfriend?” Hyoyeon kept at it, which was entertaining us and I smiled, remembering hearing about that.

     "Yah! You know that bastard lied to me! He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone and offered to go eat…so I did! That wasn’t my fault!" Sunny exclaimed with a pointed finger and Tiffany got in as she sat next to Taeyeon.
     "Oh, you little sly fox you knew it was too good to be true. It's okay 'The other woman'” Tiffany ridiculed playfully and then busted out laughing with Hyoyein as they both clapped their hands together over Taeyeon's hand while looking at the rosy cheeks of Sunny.
     "Like your one to talk. Taeyeon had to even blast CL to stop you from seeing TOP behind our backs!" Susan yelled without thinking and that was one step taken too far.
     Everyone had their scary look with big eyes and tight lips as they looked from Susan to Taeyeon in which Taeyeon tilted her head.
     "That was....a joke, right?" Taeyeon asked with a completely confused face, before she started laughing, in which all followed in suit falsely, but she didn't know any better, right?
     Yeah, I never got the full story behind that fight she had with CL backstage. So, was that because of Tiffany was seeing TOP? Well from what I've heard in the industry, he has some type of anger disorders and he is a drug abuser, which is a norm here in the entertainment world.
     "Of course, Fany wouldn't date anyone from Big Bang!" Hyoyeon exclaimed too much as she began to stand up, in which Tiffany and Sunny followed when she stretched her eyes out for them to follow her out.
     "Well now that everyone has had their dinner and dessert, let's pop some bubbly," Tiffany sung out, trying too hard to change the wild direction that we were taking this conversation.

     “Right? I’ve been dying for some alcohol since we got her! Let’s go,” Hyoyeon quickly said and grabbed Tiffany’s arm, yanking her away to leave the rooftop, to the door which would lead back to our dorm.

     I sighed with relief and had my eyes meet Taeyeon’s who were looking away, still thinking on it.

     “Mentioning affairs. Don’t you remember how Taeyeon and Jessica cheated on SNSD?” Yuri raised her voice up, looking over at Yoona, Sooyong and Seohyun, to continue pushing out the old with a new topic, in which caused me to be the next one with rosy cheeks.

     “Me and Jessica cheat?” Taeyeon asked, completely engrossed with the idea of cheating.

     Seohyun nodded with agreement and scooted on the edge of her seat while she propped her arm up on the table to taunt Taeyeon more as Sooyoung scooted in the empty seat of Tiffany’s, looking at Taeyeon with a tilt of her head while Seohyun spoke.

     “Does this ring a bell? ‘Kim Taeyeon! How can you do this to me!? We are TaengSic Shi Dae!” Seohyun imitated me completely from the past and I hid my face completely with my hands as I was reinforced with laughter.

     I opened my fingers peeking out at Taeyeon, suddenly wondering if her memory would grant her to do that and she dropped , completely remembering with a blush rushing on her cheeks. I had said that to her when she lost one of our couple items as a best friends. I held it against her till she found the bracelet.

     “Yeah, Jessica did say that,” Sooyoung agreed and laughed at me, which made me just want to float and flail away into outer space.

     “Well I have no shame of being in an affair then. TaengSic Shi Dae is better than So Nyuh Dae,” I heard Taeyeon coolly said which made me snatch my hands away from my face, blinking at her.

     “Well…I can’t deny that either since TaengSic Shi Dae existed first,” Yuri admitted as she turned her head, looking at me, in which Yoona and Seohyun nodded with a soft smile, before we were interrupted by some wild squeals.

     “We brought the bubbly!” Tiffany exclaimed as Hyoyeon and Sunny was racing behind her as they came back around the table, placing giant wine glasses in front of each of us in a neat circle.

     “Wow,” Seohyun said with amazement while clapping hands as her eyes were locked on the glass that Hyoyeon put in front of her.

     For a moment I was kind of disappointed, since I thought I would be drinking wine for the millionth time, but to my surprise Tiffany was pouring a bright pink liquid that fuzzed up in the glasses as she poured on her side of the table.

     “It is pink champagne, my favorite,” Tiffany spoke off her tongue as she looked up at us with a giddy smirk and I looked down in the glass that Hyoyeon was pouring for me from another bottle.

     Once all glasses were filled, the bottles were put down on the wooden floor for later use as the sits were filled, completing the circle.

     “Let’s all make a toast,” Tiffany chirped as she gripped the neck of her glass and I only grabbed mines when I saw Taeyeon did as so after she stood up.

     Suddenly there was a calm breeze wooing our hearts as we stood up with a pink glass in each hand and I saw Taeyeon look down, which was something she always did because she thought before she spoke.

     “Let’s all…” Taeyeon had begun and all heads turned her way with attracting eyes as she raised her other hand, wiping a tear that fell down.

     Finally she sniffled lightly and raised her head, looking at us with those twinkling eyes that were casting spells on us.

     “Let’s all be happy. Let’s not get sick, okay?” She asked of us and I swallowed roughly with a bitter smile. I guess this is truly why you became a leader Taeyeon.

     I rose my glass up first and slowly seven other glasses followed to lift the glasses toward the skies, catching all falling stars, since they were our witness of this moment.

     “Let’s all be happy. Let’s not get sick,” I repeated what Taeyeon said and all the others followed in my suit, in which Taeyeon rose her glass, completing the vow.

     “Forever Girls Generation,” She used our slogan that we would always say before we went on stage to perform as nine. She then lowered her glass, drinking all the champagne that was in her glass and we all followed one by one, saying the same words.

     Finally, I was the last one to say ‘Forever Girls Generation’ as I brought the feeble glass to my lips and letting the champagne slide past my tongue deliciously and lightly burn my throat, reminding me that all of this was real.

     I just hope that it all can always be real.

     We all took our seats once more and had our glasses refilled at least five times thanks to the alcoholics Tiffany and Hyoyeon, but who am I to talk about alchies when I am one myself? I can’t even talk about drug addicts anymore.

     Giggles were like music notes filled in the air as many of the members rambled about the past be it about dislikes, funny memories and even sentimental times.

     We made a time machine right then and there. We went all the way back to our first song, when it all began.

     “Don’t you guys also remember how Taeyeon was jealous that Sunny got paired up with Jessica for our first song?” Yuri brought about Taeyeon’s funny moments with me again and I was just looking through half lidded eye lids with a lean of drunk.

     “Haha, she was so jealous,” I pursed past my lips and looked over at Taeyeon who was just having her glass flipped upside down in , before she slammed it against the table.

     “Of course, I’m the Queen. How could I not be jealous when someone else is with my princess?” Taeyeon was speaking slurred as Hyoyeon bumped her arm with a blushed face from drinking so much.

     “Isn’t ‘my’ dominating?” Hyoyeon asked and turned her head as she was drinking out the bottle, which was something she got from the lazy girl, me.

     “It was just so meaningful to me. I would have never gotten there if it wasn’t for Jessica,” She whispered and shut her eyes as if she was about to fall asleep, but opened them to look at me, which shot me like an arrow going through my heart.

     You know that’s a lie. I…now know that’s a lie.

     Only my tears spoke for me and Sunny wrapped her arms around me while laying her head on my shoulder.

     “I was glad to have been your partner…you were so warm when the world was so cold…I really felt that our song was true,” Sunny muttered and I needed, remembering how we recorded many parts together in that video.

     “Why don’t we sing that song? Why don’t we sing Into The New World? Let’s sing the ballad version acapella” Tiffany suggested as she was lowering her glass, clearly not drunk since she had the best alcohol tolerance in SNSD.

     Taeyeon turned her head, looking at Tiffany with a cheeky grin and nodded as she sat up, getting herself together since she was the one who started the first line as a leader.

     With a deep inhale, Taeyeon exhaled nothing but air as if she had deflated as she looked down at the glasses on the table with eyes wavering like the Caspian Sea.

     I bit down on my bottom lip with a sigh, wondering if she wasn’t really up to this from how she looked, but I was wrong as she was still looking at those glasses as if she was dreaming.

     “I want to tell you, even though the sad times have already past,” Her voice was steady and yet beautifully wavering like the indecisiveness of a wave going back and forth endlessly.

     I looked over at Seohyun who was now shutting her eyes with a crystal slipping just in time down her face as she followed right after Taeyeon like a leaf following down the same path of a trickling river.

     “Close your eyes and feel how you affect my mind, how you attract my gaze,” she drowned us all in her voice with her and I smiled, willing to give her my hand for all of us to drown together, for all of us to suffocate ourselves in this love.

     I in air right into my lungs, exchanging my oxygen for durability and strength from my heart.

     “Don’t wait for a miracle, there’s a rough road in front of us,” I expelled out my strengths by remembering how I did so on our first stage in thousands of people knowing that we could do this as long as were together simply because it was now our world. It was Right Now It’s Girls Generation.

     I turned my head, looking at Yuri who was looking at me with seas coating her eyes as she rubbed her lips together before she let the words float in bliss from her lips.

     “With obstacles and future that can’t be known, yet I won’t change, I can’t give up,” She shook her head and I shook my head as well.

     Don’t ever give up. Even it means to go through war that is gentle or even horrid. Go through it and win, just like I am fighting to win.

     “Keep your love unchanging for my wounded heart,” Tiffany pleaded her part as she gripped her chest as she looked around at each of us.

     I then realized my hand was being held firmly by Susan who was next to me; shivering lightly from her strong emotions as I looked at her, sing her thanks for me coming back. I could tell that what it was as she sung her part.

     “Looking in your eyes, no words are needed, time has stopped.”

     You know I never considered myself as an important person till this very moment. It’s not that I didn’t know I did great things, but having an impact on others people life to this extinct, I didn’t know…till now.

     We all kissed the breeze together in one synchronized voice, slightly drunk but allowing our hearts to overflow completely to their truest desires.

     “I love you, just like this.
     The longed end of wandering.
     I leave behind this world’s unending sadness.

     Walking the many and unknowable paths,
     I follow a dim light.
     It’s something we’ll do together to the end,
     into the new world.”

     We all sung these words with crystalline tears dripping into our own ocean of forgiveness and dedication.

     Could I really leave behind all of the sadness? I still feel I should be punished, but if I turn around and leave, won’t I make all of these eyes cry and hearts hurt.

     Yoona, Sooyoung and Hyoyeon singed their lines we just sung before we were getting to the of the song.

     “Feeling alone in this dark, dark night,” Seohyun softly singed out with the fear she once had revisit through her voice, but she opened her eyes facing it.

     “Your soft breath,” I kept a low tone of voice as I was looking around, enraptured in the moment till I got caught by Taeyeon’s eyes.

     Her stare was like hands reaching out to me before she shut her eyes, soaking it all in before releasing it like she always did past her lips.

     “This moment, warmly entwines me in your presence. I want you to know all my tremor,” she blared off with her powerful voice, reinforcing what she was truly saying before she cut off her voice, lowering her head from the heavens to our lap.

     There was a moment of silence, from that strong impact weighing on our hearts just now and we all took each other’s hands slowly before Seohyun and Tiffany began singing, “I love you (Saranghae)” and then we all let our voices join together singing nana, with the instruments inside our heads.

     I looked back up at Taeyeon as we both smiled at one another as all us harmonize as one, “It’s something we’ll do together to the end.”

     But it was me and Taeyeon who got the last words, “Into our new world.”

     Fine then Taeyeon, even if you remember everything and kick me out again, I will travel on those rutted roads to get back in, because it belongs to me also. We created this world together. Isn’t that what you wanted me to do all this time?

     For a moment we were all quiet from wiping our tears away with our hands and still being hit from this precious moment till a few of them began clapping and cheering like fans would in their seats.

     I just chuckled and smiled as Taeyeon did the same as she looked at me. Right now I felt that Taeyeon was freer than ever. She never showed her emotions like this when she sung, but now she did.

****

     After drinking away the disclosed fears and unsealing our hearts from the pain and endless rush of tears, we could now be happy. We could smile and laugh now.

     I was behind Taeyeon as we were walking down the stairs from the rooftop back to the dorm and there was lively music coming from the living room.

     We all went into the living room, seeing Hyoyeon and Yuri dancing with each other as they came toward us as if they were doing the tango with hands entwined and one arm stretched out.

     “Soshi time,” I heard Yuri say before she twirled Hyoyeon around in a circle, letting her go to only grab me as I yelped with big eyes.

     “Ah!” I shouted when she took my wrist, pulling me close to her body, making me dance around in a circle, in the midst of Yoona and Sooyoung dancing to a song that I knew came off their Diamond album, Party.

     Yuri then let me go and I felt like I was on a roller coaster as Yoona had now grabbed my hand, twirling me around in circles as she moved her shoulders to the music.

     To be honest, it’s been a long time since I danced…for fun. I only really danced when I went to balls and dances with Tyler for business meetings, then for training. I’ve missed out…on the fun part.

     Before I even knew it, there was a dance line made with me being the first one as four girls were on each side, chanting for me to dance as I stood there like a lifeless stick.

     I saw Taeyeon roll her eyes before she ran over in front of me, suddenly filled with so much energy as she lifted her hands up, bumping her hip lightly with mines and I lightly chuckled, covering my mouth shyly.

     “Yah! Come on Sooyoun!” Taeyeon pestered me and that made me snatch my head at her with big eyes.

     “Yah!” I shouted back at her over the music, suddenly agitated her calling me by my Korean name. I didn’t just hate that, I abhorred it! She always did that when she wanted a reaction from me, well she got it.

     She gave me a cunning smirk, before she took one of my hands, pulling me down the line of dancing girls and all I could do now was move my body and hands, dancing along with the music.

     Hyoyeon and Yuri came down the line next, having their own dance battle, which was hilarious as I heard Taeyeon’s pig like laugh.

     Well twisting a famous saying, we all danced till we dropped, literally. I’m sure we burned so many carbs and whatever energy we had left.

     After that we freshened up before we called it a night in our sleeping bags. They were in a neat circle in the living room as we all were getting in them with stupid smiles on our faces.

     With only a dim lamp left on for a little light, we placed all of our heads near one another on our comfy sleeping bag, looking at the star projector on the ceiling.

     “Maybe we should have went to sleep on the rooftop,” Yuri pouted across from me and I smiled, already knowing what was going to mention next.

     “Yeah, but Tiffany is so scared of a bird is going to poop on her like it did a long time ago,” Hyoyeon said and I laughed a little, remembering when we went camping together after a year debuting in SNSD.

     We all had our own individual tents with two members per a tent, but Taeyeon had burnt the tent down I shared with her.

     I had acted like I went along with the lie she said that she spilled water on a radio that sparked fire, but I knew it was because she was secretly smoking around that time.

     I had the radio in my bag and even more there was a cigarette left in the burnt tent. But, I didn’t say anything. If anything I hid the cigarette.

     After that happened, I and Taeyeon had to sleep outside. Tiffany offered for one of us to take her spot in the tent, but we both refused. She then came outside to sleep with us and about two minutes after she laid down, bird poop smacked her right on the forehead like a bull’s eye.

“That’s not funny Sooyoun!” Tiffany squealed, still being haunted by that living nightmare and it made me sit up angrily, looking at her who was now sitting up, starting at me with a flame in her eyes.

     “Don’t call me Sooyoun! You know how much I detest being called that!” I exclaimed, being driven insane by even saying my own name.

     “Wae? Isn’t that what your mother named you?” Tiffany was gas lighting the issue and I bit down on my bottom lip, screaming.

     “Yah! Stephanie and Sooyoun stop it!” Taeyeon barked us by both of our real names as she sat up, being in the center of us and we both sealed our lips instantly, looking down.

     “Sorry,” Tiffany quickly apologized and I looked back up with tearful eyes.

     “I’m sorry too!” I squealed and she shook her shoulders before she grabbed me quickly, hugging me.

     “Ugh,” Taeyeon moaned and laid back down, before we peeked down at her, laughing before we got back in our sleeping bags. The other girls were laughing also and I asked, “Is anyone actually sleepy?”

     “Well Sunny has been gone since the moment she laid down,” Hyoyeon said and I peeked up, seeing Susan stretched out with her arm and legs just as wide as .

     I covered my mouth the moment I did, a laugh bubbled up past my lips.

     “Should we take a picture and show her tomorrow?” Yuri asked Hyoyeon and I gasped from the naughty idea.

     “I shall do the honors,” Yoona said since she was next to Sunny and took out her phone with the flashlight shining on her face.

     “You guys are so bad,” Taeyeon commented as she was covering also with a small laugh.

     “Oh, you know it,” Hyoyeon added on as she made her eyebrows hop and down while Yoona snapped the pictures.

     “Just beautiful baby,” Yoona teased as she turned the phone, letting us see the picture and my entire body was shaking from the laughter being locked in my chest.

     “So this is what it looks like when the sun goes down?” Yuri mocked Susan’s nickname, since it was Sunny.

     I just shook my head at them and rolled back over in my sleeping bag. “I’m going to sleep before you guys get me in trouble. I just got here after all,” I said, pertaining to how I just returned.

     “Goodnight goodie too shoes…and thank you for coming back,” I heard someone say and I turned my head, seeing that it was Taeyeon that said it and I was rendered speechless.

     I couldn’t even say you’re welcome.

     “Don’t ever leave, okay? I won’t let you go if you do,” She added on and leaned in, pecking my cheek which made me eyes went to pop out and run, leaving me behind.

     “Sweet dreams. Soshi out,” she jokingly said and laid down, with each of the members saying Soshi out as well.

     I couldn’t take my eyes off of Taeyeon as she shut her eyes, calling it a night. I wish I could freeze time right now, because right now was so perfect.

     This is the moment I dreamed of…but then again there’s another dream I want to come true, so I will let time flow.

     We will go down that road together hand and hand. And, even if there is an intersection and you want to go separate ways, then so be it.

     Either way, we will stay walk the same earth. There’s nothing that can stop us from meeting again.

****

     Morning came too fast, but that was how we were living.

     “Jessica, Jessica, Jessica,” My name was being called over and over. I really just wanted this person to shut up and let me remain in this complete circle of love, but she broke me out when she touched that sensitive spot.

     “Sooyoun wake up!” My name was screamed and I jerked up as if I was just coming from underwater with bloodshot eyes as I looked at the shocked face of Tiffany.

     “It’s almost six, we need to get Taeyeon back to the hospital before anyone notices,” Tiffany was whispering to me in a panic tone of voice.

     I looked around, seeing many of the members still asleep while Hyoyeon was peeking up at us with groggy eyes and Taeyeon was missing from her sleeping bag. I panicked immediately.

     “Where’s Taeyeon!?” I exclaimed, grabbing Tiffany’s arms, shaking her as I snatched my head around violently.

     “S-She is getting dressed upstairs…why are you like this? Everything is okay,” Tiffany was quickly trying to get the words out and I quickly released her afterwards.

     “I-I’m sorry…I just have to make sure she is okay,” I whispered, feeling incredibly apologetic for treating Tiffany like I just did now.

     “It’s fine. I understand. Let’s get dressed quickly,” She spoke in a low tone of voice as she stood up, in which I followed.

     “I’ll make you guys some breakfast on the go,” Hyoyeon suddenly said and we both turned around when we were just getting to the stairs.

     “O-Oh, thanks,” I said, still shaking off sleep and Hyoyeon softly smiled at us, before we went up stairs.

     My heart was relieved as I saw Taeyeon inside Tiffany’s room, brushing her blonde hair since she was dressed in a light blue dress and white flats.

     “Good morning,” Taeyeon sweetly said to me and it was sweeter than honey and thicker than maple syrup that made me stick in one spot at the entry of Tiffany’s room.

     “What are you doing?” I heard Tiffany say behind me and I quickly shook my head, breaking Taeyeon’s spell on me for now as I walked in, going towards Taeyeon.

     “Your clothes are over here…” Tiffany faded off in her voice and I looked over at the bed seeing clothes folded on Tiffany’s bed.

     I was really spaced out this morning and I just laughed lightly, embarrassed by my idiocy.

     I walked over to the bed and Tiffany lifted up some other clothes that I knew didn’t belong to me.

     “Here are some clean clothes…they aren’t made by you…so you might not want to wear them,” Tiffany said unsure and I shook my head, taking Tiffany’s clothes that she was giving to me.

     “I want to wear them,” I stated with certainty and took the clothes quickly from Tiffany, in which she blinked, surprised by my action.

     “Thank you,” I spoke tenderly and she smiled up at me, before us both got dressed.

     After tucking in a buttoned white dress shirt in a black and white chiffon skirt that reached my upper thighs, I was ready to go.

     Tiffany stood in front of her opened door for us to leave first and she gave me a thumbs up.

     “Your style is definitely my style,” I said and she just chuckled as I went down the stairs with Taeyeon following me.

     I hadn’t said one thing to her yet…since I was still kind of in a love struck spell of hers.

     When we reached the last step, Hyoyeon was racing out the kitchen with a large white paper bag. “Hyo’s special breakfast on the go,” She said with a sleepy wink and I took it by the strings, peeking inside and just laughed.

     “Egg rolls and rice?” I questioned and she shrugged her shoulders before placing her hands in the pockets of her pajamas.

     “That’s the best your Chef Hyo can do within five minutes,” She sighed out with defeat and looked away, before I quickly gave her tight hug that suffocated her out of the blue.

     “Y-Yah!” She was shouting loudly before I released her with a gummy smile.

     “Saranghae,” I said and turned around, grabbing Taeyeon’s hand to rush to the front door.

     “I love you too!” Hyoyeon shouted as we were now going out the front door that Tiffany opened and we all just joined in laughter.

     “I hope they haven’t realized yet. They aren’t supposed to give her medicine till 7:30 and I stuffed towels and pillows under her sheets,” Tiffany quickly said as I opened the passenger side for Taeyeon to get in.

     When I shut the door, I turned around looking at Tiffany. “Well, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” I asked and ran around, getting in the driver’s seat while Tiffany was just standing outside Taeyeon’s side of the car.

     After I put my keys in the ignition, I rolled down the window since it looked like the wanted to say something.

     “Mr. Youngmin could always show up!” She answered my question that I wasn’t really expecting an answer from.

     I just made a twisted face and rose my hand up. “Like what will he do?”

     “He could change his mind again if he finds out you snuck Taeyeon out! You know how much of a control freak he is!” She exclaimed and I just rolled my eyes at her.

     “Don’t jinx it and anyway, you aren’t coming?” I asked her, running over her silly thinking. I got Mr. Youngmin in the palm of my hand. He doesn’t know the joke is on him now.

     “No, I have somewhere to be in thirty minutes myself and besides you can sneak her in better without me being there,” She quickly said and peering into my car, seeing the clock of my radio.

     “Enough about me, you need to get going. I’ll come see you later on Taeyeon,” Tiffany spoke to us and then turned around, dashing off back into the building.

     I waved my hand at her and rolled up the window before I pulled out the parking lot to have me wheels rolling down the streets, heading back to the hospital.

     “Last night was perfect,” Taeyeon finally started talking and I looked over at her, seeing her nodding.

     “It was,” I agreed as I turned my head, looking back at the road and Taeyeon looked up also.

     “O-Oh…isn’t that…” She was starting off and I looked at what she was, which was the pink diary up on my dashboard.

     “Yeah, that’s our diary,” I answered softly with my eyes becoming fonder as I looked at the diary.

     “D-Did you dig up the time capsule?” She asked me as she was grabbing it now, looking at the covering.

     “Yes, I dug it up on your birthday,” I told her and when I said that she suddenly became mute.

     I bit the inside of my mouth, knowing that would bring up a bad memory for her…and it was for me also. I felt so horrible…so worthless and pathetic. I felt used and abused.

     “D-Did you get the key?” She asked me and I woke up out of those treacherous memories to look over at her, shaking my head in disappointment.

     “You hid it, remember?” I reminded her.

     “And…I found it. You didn’t get it from me?” She asked me and I blinked, slightly confused.

     “Uhhh…no. When did you find it?” I asked, trying to figure out at what time frame she was talking about.

     “It was in that beach house we always went to hide out at. I found it when I ran away from the hospital. It was under the ninth board when you first walk in. I got it…but then…I just couldn’t move. There was pain…so much pain,” She was retracing the misery and I stopped her instantly.

     “Enough. No, I didn’t get the key. Maybe you left it in the beach house,” I spoke strongly. I guess the roles were really swapped now. Taeyeon was the weak one and I was the strong one.

     We were always like that. I wonder what would happen if we both were weak. How would that affect us and everyone around us?

     “We should go check,” Taeyeon quickly said and I inhaled deeply making my chest rise up.

     “We can’t be late getting you back to the hospital before anyone notices Taeyeon,” I told her and she shook her head as if she couldn’t do without it.

     “Let’s just quickly go by. It won’t take long,” She begged of me and I sighed, looking at the time, seeing it was 6:30 now.

     They would check on her at 7:30. It would take me about thirty-five minutes to drive to the dorm and to the hospital, twenty-five. That’s exactly a ing hour.

     I shook my head with tight lips and picked up the bag with food in it.

     “Here, just eat. We’ll be at the hospital in about thirty minutes,” I told her and she didn’t even touch the bag as she was now crying.

     “Please…I really want to read all the things inside we wrote for all these years,” She begged of me and I shut my eyes for a moment, before I opened them coming to a road that would lead me towards the hospital, but I made a wild turn before speeding.

     “Fine…we must hurry,” I whispered painfully, hoping I really wasn’t holding a knife to Taeyeon’s neck by doing this.

     Thanks to traffic not being so bad and breaking speed limits, I was able to make it to the beach by our old dorm at 6:55.

     “Let’s run,” I told Taeyeon who was now looking at me with googly eyes and a ripened smile on her lips.

     I sighed, looking away from her and tightened my hand on the diary I had in my hand. She was like a baby now. All she had to do was cry and get what she want.

     I looked back at her and grabbed her hand, before we ran bare feet on the sand, leaving our footprints on the beach.

     “It’s here!” Taeyeon exclaimed the moment we opened the doors of the small beach house that was strangely still intact and in good shape compared to the raggedy dorm.

     The key was in the center of the floor of the vacant beach house and I looked around, remembering how we use to have our posters on the wall, snacks strung out on the floor from our gluttony.

     “The sun is just rising. Let’s go open it up on the beach,” Taeyeon expressed as if it was a genius idea and it was, but it was just the wrong timing.

     “Taeyeon…” I started out, but she grabbed my hand, pulling me out the beach house and then to sit on the beach.

     I guess…nothing will go wrong.

     “Aha, it works!” Taeyeon was continuously excited when she put the key in the lock, unlocking the diary and she looked over at me with happy tears filling her eyes.

     I sighed once more, holding my legs that were in an Indian style, following her eyes to look at the sunrise of the beach that was truly a painted masterpiece.

     The value of the beauty only increased because someone else was watching with me as her lips parted in complete awe. I think this is the type of love that everyone inevitably dreams of. It had to be.

     With a deep inhale of the serene air that was blessed with the oceans pureness and yet the saltiness of the sand to keep it balances, Taeyeon lowered her head and opened the diary.

     I was inclined to scoot closer to her and she brought the diary in the middle where I could see it as well, with the following first letter written in it:

Dear Jessica, I know that this should start off with Dear Diary, but I got this so we can write for each other. This is how I can tell you all my secrets and convey my truest emotions. I want to first say thank you for giving me your hand, when no one else would. In my eyes, you are even greater than my mom and my dad combined. I’m not even ashamed to say that. I will always see you as the most important person in my life. Yes, you are even greater than any boy or man I will ever come to love. I will always protect you.

Love, Kim Taeyeon

     That was what the first log in the book and I looked up, containing the tears as Taeyeon’s just let hers flow out just as the ocean did while she turned the page.

     This one was my letter to her:

Dear Taeyeon, I will never write Dear Diary either. Let’s make this diary jealous of our friendship, okay? I am glad that I gave you that bottle of water and held my hand out for you. Actually, the reason I did as so as because I was just like you at one time, but except I had no one to give me a bottle of water, a hand or even a passing glance. I knew you were special from the moment I saw you. I’m glad that our relationship isn’t like the common one between a man and woman. I think because we execute the ual inclination between opposite , we can focus more on the love spectrum of our story. This is what will protect us forever. I promise you that I will always be your friend. I will always be by your side.

Love, Jessica Jung

     That was it. My face had become a puddle as I looked down, wiping my tears. I didn’t even remember making that promise and hear it is in fine print. I broke that promise…so this is what she meant all that time.

     "You're quite someone to talk about Soshi bond. Didn't you break that a long time ago?"

      “You kept your promise Jessica,” I heard Taeyeon finally say with the sounds of the relaxing ocean waves and I slowly looked past my blurry tears at her.

     “I-I did?” I asked as I lowered my hands in my lap.

     “Aren’t you sitting next to me now?” She asked me with a cheeky smile with pearls sitting on the edges of her eyes and I nodded with my lips pressed tight together, wanting to say something but not knowing what to say.

     We then turned our heads, diving back into the diary as Taeyeon turned the page, with one side of the page, showing two pictures vertical from one another.

     One picture was me at the store and the other of me handing her birthday cake at her first birthday party I attended to at her parents’ house. Her letter said the following:

Dear Jessica,

Thank you for the birthday present you got me. You were kind of disappointed in my expression when I opened it at the party, weren’t you? Ha, I was sent by a sunbae to get her something at the store and look who I found getting a present wrapped up. Just know I love the person more than the crock pot. You sly girl, you think I’m going to cook for you more now because you bought me a crock pot? Saranghae! Get ready because I’m going to make you fat despite what anyone says!

Love, Birthday Girl, Kim Taeyeon

     We both just laughed as I raised my hand up, wiping away a tear while I smiled from that memory.

     Gosh, if anyone says the past is not important, I feel incredibly sorry towards them.

     Just because it wasn’t facing you in the face, doesn’t mean it is worthless. You will be surprised how some of those memories will stab you in the back and then some can be a pillow to rest on like these.

     As we kept turning the pages, we read about our days of being jealous, hurt, angry, violent, depressed, energetic, happy and most of them were right out silly. But that silliness is what made life worth living. We were happy. We were satisfied.

     Taeyeon decided to stop reading at the middle marker that was in the diary and the sun was standing tall with the sky looking like a blanket of water that was ready to fall into the sea.

     “We should get going now,” Taeyeon said as she stood up and I followed in suit while I dusted the back of the skirt I wore.

     I then took her hand once more, looking down at it as I remembered how I was fighting her to stop trying to kill herself in the ocean.

     “Taeyeon…” I started off and pausing as I thought I saw blood seeping down her legs again, but I shook my head, not seeing it anymore.

     “Huh?” She asked and I was just choked up in a moment as I looked in her eyes almost scared.

     “W-Why do you like coming to the beach so much?” I finally asked her the question I was about to and she smiled with a tilt of her head.

     “Do you really want to know?” She asked me jokingly and I nodded, seriously.

     She nodded also, willing to tell me as she pulled me along so I could walk with her near the ocean as we were heading back to my car.

     “When I look at the sea, I always feel like I’m looking at the tears that every single person in this world has cried, including you,” She said and I just sharply inhaled as I looked at the wavering sea, seeing it like she saw it.

     “When I feel alone, hurt or just need some comfort, I come here. I let my tears join the sea. Home is where the heart is after all,” She brought up that quote with a small smile and I just laughed with beaming smile that could even make the sun blind.

     “Home is where the heart is,” I agreed with her and we both felt the grains of the sand get stuck between our toes till we arrived back at my car.

     Sadly, I looked at the clock, seeing it was 7:45.

     “What am I going to do with you?” I asked Taeyeon as she was dusting her feet off before she put her feet in the car and shut the door.

She just shrugged with a childish grin and I shook my head as I turned my keys in the ignition and rushed back to the hospital, just hoping they wouldn’t have noticed or kept it quiet for us.

     It was 8:15 by the time I parked at the back of the hospital and I leaded Taeyeon by the hand through the backdoors of the hospital from a card that I got from one of the nurses a few days ago since I was a celebrity.

     “Don’t make a sound,” I whispered to Taeyeon and she swallowed down her fear before she nodded. I opened the door as I pulled her when I saw no one in the hallways to get to an elevator.

     Once inside the elevator, all we had to do was hope that no one would be on the other side and I was shaking while I was holding Taeyeon’s small hand.

     I finally felt her tightened her grip on my hand and I looked at her seeing her, smiling with her soft pink lips.

     “Don’t be afraid, you have me,” She said and I just shook my head.

     I am afraid simply because I have you.

     Suddenly, the elevator dinged and my soul jumped out of my body, but I it back in as the doors were parting.

     It was too soon to exhale relief, but I did as so while I peeked in the hallway from left to right. It was completely vacant.

     “Go, go, go,” I whispered and pulled Taeyeon out the elevator as we ran down the hallway, but my eyes were like a deer on headlights when a nurse turned the corner with a clipboard in her hand.

     She looked up and I froze with Taeyeon who had gasped when the nurse looked up from her clipboard to us.

     . We were just one door away to slipping in.

     Her lips parted to speak, but she turned her head alert from the door that was supposed to be Taeyeon’s room door opening.

     She used her hand, motioning us to go in the room next to us and I followed her commands without hesitation as I opened a janitor’s supply room.

     I pushed Taeyeon in first and shut the door behind us quietly just in time when I heard a voice that made even my bones quake.

     “Are you going to tell me what the hell what happened to Kim Taeyeon!?” His voice shouted loud enough, that the entire hospital could have heard.

     “I-I’m sorry sir…She was just gone this morning,” The nurse who motioned us to hide was apologizing and I knew she had to have her head bowed.

     “She was just gone?! You call yourself a nurse? Well you are just a nurse gone from a job! I fire you myself! Someone go check the god damn CCTVs!” His voice was blaring off like an intercom and I could feel Taeyeon’s own hand become cold as ice.

     I looked at her as she had her other hand to , biting her nails as she shook in fear.

     “Sir, please,” The nurse was begging him, but I could tell he wasn’t listening. He never listened.

     “What the hell are you doing!? Get this nurse out my sight! If I find out you had anything to do with Taeyeon disappearing, I can guarantee you will never get another job unless it is on a street corner,” He spoke so cruelly that it dripped with disgust.

     “Sir, Sir, Sir!” The nurse was endlessly screaming and I shut my eyes with a tear streaming down my face. I’m sorry.

     My eyes snapped open from the next words I heard and I just choked up on my entire being as I was enflamed with a million flames.

     “Mr. Youngmin. The abortion was scheduled for an earlier date, which was 8:00 this morning according to your wishes. What is your call Sir?” A woman told Mr. Youngmin and I gritted my teeth so hard they could have crack into a million pieces.

     “Ha. That Jessica is smarter…much smarter than I thought she would be. Keep everyone on standby for the procedure. As soon as Taeyeon is found, I will ship her right in and get that piece of out of her and everyone can be happy. I’ll be leaving first,” Mr. Youngmin spoke from the Devil’s mouth and my own lips quivered as if I just vomited.

     “M-My baby…not my baby,” Taeyeon instantly began begging in a small voice and I looked at her as she shook her head with tears making her eyes become clouded with redness.

     How dare he lie to me? How dare he lie to Taeyeon? I should have known better. He reversed my trick on me. I’ll kill him with my own two hands if that what it takes.

     Suddenly Taeyeon knocked something over in the closet and my heart fell down deep inside of a hole as I looked at Taeyeon’s devastated eyes that were literally shaking.

     “What was that?” Mr. Youngmin asked suddenly and I could hear his steps come closer to the door, making my heart beat echo inside that vacant hole.

     My eyes then looked down at the doorknob twisting open that made my insides burn and I grabbed it as Taeyeon softly screamed in her hands as I shut my eyes with tears streaming down.

     I don’t think I can protect you Taeyeon. Not today. Not ever. I broke our promise...again.