“Soojung-ahhhh….”

 

Soojung creaks an eyelid open to a heavy-lidded, eye-bagged Jinri. “Do you have aspirin?”

 

Soojung sighs, rolls her eyes and pushes herself out of bed. “Yes. You made life difficult last night, you know that?”

 

Jinri suddenly springs up with the energy of Tigger as opposed to a hungover teenage girl. “Oh, Soojung, I’m so sorry, I really wasn’t thinking, I just thought it would be fun… I didn’t know Jongin would go ahead and pick out your phone… And I guess I should’ve listened to you, you didn’t want to do it…”

 

Soojung turns around to stare at Jinri, who was hanging on her back. “I was actually referring to you taking all those Jell-O shots… But yes, that too, I guess.”

 

“Oh, yes. Jell-O shots, too. They were really good, and I was freaking out because of your whole Seven situation… so I didn’t…” Jinri sighs, takes the pill Soojung gives her and downs it with a glass of water. “I’m really sorry, Soojung. No more frat parties.”

 

“No more indeed.” Soojung takes a deep breath and lets it out. “No more Seven. I hate you, Jinri.”

 

Jinri smiles sheepishly. “Well, at least it was Jongin, so you didn’t have to make out with a stranger after all. You probably didn’t get to make out at all, poor thing.” She leans over to pat Soojung’s head when she notes her friend’s reddening cheeks. “Wait… no way. No way. You… did?”

 

“Um.”

 

“Holy , Soojung, you made out with Jongin!” Jinri bursts into uproarious laughter, not at all looking guilty the way she did seconds ago. “HOLY ! HOLY ING SH— ”

 

“Jinri, shut up!” Soojung leans forward and puts her hand over Jinri’s mouth. “Shut up, okay? Please…” She sighs and shuts her eyes.

 

Jinri’s laughter dies down quickly as she looks at Soojung’s expression. “Soojung, what’s wrong? Taemin will understand… Or even if you don’t tell him, it’s not your fault, okay? I was the one who put your phone in… You just got dragged into it — ”

 

“It’s not that,” Soojung blurts out before she could talk herself into keeping everything inside. “Well. Taemin is a problem. But. It’s not just that. It’s worse.”

 

Jinri studies her face and her own head to one side. “Okay,” she says slowly. “Did he bite you?”

 

Soojung stares at her friend incredulously. “What the hell.”

 

“No. Okay. Well…” Jinri seems to know what the problem was. “He was good, wasn’t he.”

 

Soojung throws herself facedown on one of her pillows.

 

Jinri laughs, shaking her friend’s shoulders. “Soojung! Okay, so he was good. You liked it. So what?”

 

“Jinri, it’s Jongin we’re talking about!” Soojung whines, turning around to look at Jinri. “The same Jongin who ate mud in front of me! The gross Jongin! How could I… How could we have… How could — ”

 

“Soojung, relax,” Jinri says. “Look. I get it. You’ve been best friends with him for a long time. Heck, I’m nowhere near as close with him as you are, and even after being in his circle of friends for five years, I would never go anywhere near his mouth even if he’s really good.”

 

Soojung sputters. “And you think I would?”

 

Jinri gives her a weird look. “Um… you already did.”

 

“Right. Because of you. Against my own will.”

 

Jinri smirks and raises an eyebrow. “What about now? Now that you know he’s good? Would you willingly — ”

 

“Jinri, stop!” Soojung wails and smothers her face with a pillow. “I can’t — I can’t believe I told you that. No, I can’t believe I felt that in the first place! Jinri, what’s wrong with me?”

 

“Soojung, why are you so bothered about liking it? Some boys just know how to do it right, it’s not your fault! It doesn’t have to mean that you like him. It happened once, and it was nice, and you move on! It’s okay!”

 

Soojung sighs. “Maybe I just need some time to get over it. This is not something that’s supposed to happen to me.”

 

Jinri smiles. “But it did happen. So maybe it is.”

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

Soojung doesn’t know how she expected Taemin to react. She knew from the moment she stepped into the closet that she’d have to be honest with him and tell him what had happened. So when he asked her how the party had gone, she forced herself to talk about it before she could run away from it.

 

“Actually… I have something to tell you about the party.”

 

Taemin turned to face her. “You sound serious.”

 

“Um… sort of.” Soojung stares at her feet before saying, “Jinri put my phone in the Seven bowl without me knowing. Jongin picked it up so no one else would. So we… were in the closet together, and I just — I wanted you to know.” Soojung can’t bring herself to look at him. 

 

“Hey.” Taemin nudges her. “Don’t look so subdued. I believe you.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Taemin, I feel like I let you down…”

 

“Hey, don’t be. I get it. I’m very familiar with the way Jinri thinks, you know. And the way Jongin thinks.”

 

Soojung finally smiles, but her feelings weren’t completely settled. She notes that Taemin didn’t question whether she and Jongin did anything or not.

 

And of course, she was extremely relieved, because she wouldn’t have been able to tell him the truth to his face, but she was never one to lie, either. 

 

But she was also scared. Taemin not asking could mean three things. One was that Taemin didn’t really care. Which was… well, not ideal. You’re supposed to care.

 

Two was worse. Two was that Taemin sort of knew and was afraid to hear the truth from her. 

 

Three was worst. Three was that Taemin trusted Soojung and Jongin enough to not feel the need to ask, and heaven knows neither of them deserved that trust.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

Of course, Jongin and Soojung become even more awkward and distant after the whole incident. Soojung misses him, misses the way they were before… “before” is a very confusing term now because Soojung isn’t sure anymore when “before” was. She definitely wanted to undo the kiss, but when she thought about it things have been weird way before the kiss. And she had been telling herself that things were fine, that Jongin was fine, but it was as if she didn’t completely get until now just how un-fine everything was. And she wasn’t even sure why.

 

Jongin and Taemin were more-or-less fine, she knew. After their run-in at the dog park a while ago, and her talk with Taemin about trying to make things less awkward for Jongin, Taemin had put more effort into spending time with him, and according to Taemin they play and make stupid jokes like they always do. They just talk about girls less, that’s all.

 

Soojung feels that Jongin is only different towards her. No, she is sure that Jongin is only different towards her. And she wanted to change that, really, but for some reason she feels like it becomes worse whenever she approaches him. And now after The Kiss, it’s even harder for her to try and fix things with him, especially when she doesn’t really know what broke. 

 

And it’s becoming even more irritating to her now because it’s been too long since they’ve been… normal, and Soojung misses that a little too much.

 

“You should talk to him,” Taemin tells her and it’s not as if she hadn’t thought of that. 

 

“I know, but he basically runs away from me.”

 

Taemin smiles. “No, I’m pretty sure that’s just in your head.”

 

“You know how he tends to clam up.”

 

“Well, you’ve had experience cracking him open.” Taemin bumps his shoulder against hers. “Look, you two need to talk it out. He doesn’t say anything about you to me but the world can clearly see that something’s off.”

 

Soojung sighs. “But, Tae…”

 

“You’ve been friends for an eternity. Are you really gonna let it slide because of a reason that you don’t even know?”

 

Soojung pouts and pinches his elbow. “Why is it my fault! It’s him who’s being all weird!”

 

Taemin puts an arm around her. “I’m not saying it’s your fault, Soojung-ah. I’m just saying that you have to take a bit of initiative if you want things to happen.”

 

Soojung knows that. But she still wants a little bit of insight from someone else, some sort of background as to why Jongin was so out of character recently. So she brings this up to Kyungsoo one day when he was helping her with calculus. “Oppa, I have a question.”

 

“Okay, Soojung-ah, we’ll finish up this question first and then I’ll — ”

 

“It’s not about differentials,” Soojung blurts out. “It’s… it’s about Jongin.”

 

Soojung hopes she is imagining the way Kyungsoo stiffens slightly. “What about Jongin?”

 

“Um…” Soojung knows that whatever is going on with Jongin, Kyungsoo has to know. Especially if he’s not saying anything to Taemin. “He’s been a little weird?”

 

Kyungsoo nods slightly, not really responding, so Soojung continues. “And I just… I wonder why, he’s so uncomfortable with me all of a sudden? Okay, so maybe it’s not all of a sudden. It’s been a while. But… I want to fix it, somehow, because it’s like we’re not friends anymore.”

 

Kyungsoo hums thoughtfully and Soojung lets him be. With all that he knew, Kyungsoo could say a lot but he was frequently economical with his words, carefully thinking about them before saying anything out loud. Soojung has learned to be patient when asking him serious questions so she decides to get back to her math equation, vaguely hoping she’d be able to solve it before Kyungsoo starts speaking.

 

“Soojung-ah…” Drat. Her math skills were horrible. “You know you’ll have to ask Jongin yourself, right?”

 

“Oppa, that’s no help at all.”

 

“Well, I don’t know what kind of help you were envisioning. I can’t say anything in Jongin’s place, Soojung.”

 

“Yes, but — he basically runs away from me whenever I try to talk to him one-on-one,” Soojung says, exasperated. “And it’s gotten even worse now especially after the — ” She stops. 

 

“After the kiss,” Kyungsoo finishes gently. “Yes. Well, Jongin will talk to you eventually, but it will probably take him a while to come to terms with it — ”

 

“But what’s it? I don’t understand — I feel like, I did something wrong but I don’t know what it is?”

 

“Jongin will talk to you eventually, but seeing as you’re so impatient, you should talk to him first.”

 

“But he doesn’t — ”

 

“Soojung, you live next to him, and I know you’re an expert at cornering him. I’m sure that if you can overlook your own awkward feelings you can disregard his and just talk to him.”

 

Soojung sighs, knowing he is right. “I guess. But, oppa, can you give me some sort of a hint? Please?”

 

Kyungsoo stares at her with his large eyes. “Soojung-ah. Deep down, I think you know what’s wrong with Jongin.”

 

Soojung blinks, and Kyungsoo prompts. “Think of when he started acting weird. Think of… why it might be. What happened at that time. Think of him not as the little boy who pulled your pigtails, but as… well, as who he is now. And most importantly, be aware that just because you know him well, you don’t know him perfectly, and he won’t always think or feel or act the way you expect him to."

 

Soojung sighs and drops her head on her hands, and Kyungsoo pats her shoulder. “Now. Why don’t we think about this for a second?” He taps the worksheet with his pencil and Soojung reluctantly gets back to work.

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Soojung sat at her desk in her room, unsuccessfully trying to work on her history paper. Her mind kept going back to Kyungsoo’s words from earlier in the day. 

 

She knew what Kyungsoo was hinting at. And she knew that Kyungsoo doesn’t lie, and that Jongin probably told him more than he told anyone else. But somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to believe it. Regardless of what Kyungsoo says, she tells herself, she couldn’t help but see him as the little boy who pulled her pigtails.

 

Although deep down she knows that wasn’t quite true. She knows that while the pigtail-pulling continued, he started combing her hair down afterwards. She knows that he would punch and wrestle and noogie her, but never let anyone else lay a hand on her. She knows that he’d complain about her hogging his rooftop space all the time, then come out and join her and listen to her rant. And she’s always known that he was somewhat of a permanent fixture in her life. She just never gave much thought to what that means. Something she can’t get rid of? Something she took for granted? Something she can’t live without?

 

 

Soojung knows the answer to that. But it leaves her with even more questions. And now, she thinks, how can she ask Jongin anything when she’s still questioning her own feelings?

 

Absent-mindedly, she picks up the Polaroid on her desk. It was the one that Jongin had been looking at a few days ago, the one of her and Taemin. As she remembers that moment, she rewinds back to something Kyungsoo had said earlier. “Soojung-ah, if you had to choose between Taemin and Jongin, could you?”

 

“Oppa, that’s ridiculous, you — ”

 

“I know it. Yes. But if you had to?”

 

Soojung sighs. “I don’t know, do I really have to — ”

 

“Well, in Jongin’s mind, you already did. And yes, I know it’s irrational, and childish. But I’m sure that’s what he feels.”

 

Soojung stares at the little rectangular picture and plays back yet another conversation, this time the one between her and Sohyun. She thinks again about Sohyun’s question; “How did you come to realize that you liked him? Why did you say yes?”

 

Soojung wonders now how things would’ve gone if Jongin were the one to ask her in the first place. Would she have said yes? Would Taemin have been bothered by it? Were the three of them a perfectly balanced equation as she’d always thought? And if they were, then why should she choose one over the other? Why should she date one over the other?

 

She wasn’t sure she was ready to know.

 

 

*

 

 

Jongin had his first real relationship during freshman year, and for some reason Soojung isn’t sure she likes Kang Seulgi, even though she's pretty nice. She tries to be supportive regardless, tries to put some distance between her and Jongin because she knows that their classmates -- including Seulgi, probably -- have always thought there was something going on between them. However, it was Jongin who still waits by her lockers after school and insist they still walk home together, despite her continuously telling him that she was fine walking on her own.

 

So she assumed that he and Seulgi had talked about it, but realized they haven't really when she happened to overhear them argue. She was walking towards her locker and saw that Jongin was waiting there as per usual, but not alone. She discreetly hid behind another row of lockers and waited for them to finish their conversation, not really meaning to eavesdrop but hearing every word anyways.

 

"I know she's your best friend, and I accept that," she heard Seulgi say. "If that's all you say you are, I want to believe you, because I trust you. But you're not making it easy for me to believe."

 

"Seulgi, if this is about what they said in class -- "

 

"I tried not to listen, but they're right, you know? I mean, you watched The Dark Knight with her last week even though I wanted to watch with you. You asked her to your mom's event thing and you didn't even ask me -- "

 

"For the last time, that was really not something worth going to, and you know her parents and my parents are friends -- "

 

"And of course there's the whole walking-her-home thing, and I get that you want her home safe, but the overall impression I'm getting from you is that you come running whenever she calls, that you'd drop everything for her, and I'm trying to understand that you've been friends for forever and you're used to this but you have a girlfriend now. If she means so much to you that you can't change the way you are around her, then maybe you're not ready for a girlfriend."

 

"Baby - please - " Soojung could hear footsteps, and she waited until the sound faded away before she peeked round the locker she was hiding behind.

 

Jongin was staring at the other direction, where Seulgi had just walked off, and she quietly approached him from behind. "Um. Ready to go?"

 

"You heard everything, didn't you."

 

Soojung sighed and biffed his arm as they start walking towards the doors. "I told you she'd mind."

 

"Yeah, but I... Look, I just don't see the point in avoiding you when I start dating someone when, in the end, we're gonna end up hanging out again. Might as well just let her know what we're usually like."

 

"Well, you don't have to avoid me, but you don't have to hang around my locker every day after school. We don't have to get frozen yogurt and watch movies on weekends like we usually do and -- had I known she wanted to watch The Dark Knight with you -- "

 

"She never explicitly said she did, so how was I to know -- and she doesn't even like action movies usually -- "

 

"Well, then, she was just dropping hints and wanted you to pay attention to her. Look, when you have a girlfriend, think about your girlfriend. Don't think about me."

 

"This is very fascinating coming from someone who's never liked a guy before -- "

 

"Just because I've never liked anyone doesn't mean I don't know these things, Kim."

 

He was quiet for a while before saying, "Do you remember how pissed you were when Taemin and Jieun-noona finally started dating -- "

 

"Oh, God. Don't talk about that."

 

"I don't know, I guess... I guess I don't want to be the type of guy that ditches his best friend for his new girlfriend. I mean, girls will come and go, y'know. You're not going anywhere. So, I don't know. I just can't put a random girlfriend above you."

 

//

a/n. title from lorde's "buzzcut season".

err i really don't know what to say about this chapter (/_\) feedback is always welcome :3