Soojung wasn’t sure what she was thinking when she just flat-out said to Jongin that the object of his affections already has a boyfriend. Maybe she should’ve been more sensitive, since she knew how much he liked her — being the one doing the snooping around and matchmaking for him for months. But she’d assumed this was no different from the rest of his crushes. So it just came out naturally, like, “Hey, Joohyun-unni has a boyfriend now, so you can stop thinking about her. Can you pass the salsa?”

Jongin froze, and Taemin did too, a tortilla chip halfway to his mouth. Soojung stared at her two friends. “What’s wrong? Salsa, Jongin.”

“Soojung,” Taemin said slowly, “what did you say?”

“… Can you pass the salsa?”

“Can you just shut up about the salsa?” Jongin snaps, and Soojung widens her eyes. “What did you say about Joohyun-noona?”

“She has a boyfriend?”

“Yes, that… who is he? How did they…”

“His name’s Jung Yonghwa. He’s in one of Sooyeon-unni’s classes, he sings in this band, and he invited Sooyeon-unni and her friends to come to a performance, and Joohyun-unni came too,” Soojung explains. “And, yeah. Why?”

Taemin and Jongin both stare at her like she’s insane. “What do you mean, why?”

“Well, I mean…” Soojung wasn’t sure what to say. “You… didn’t really think you were going to date her, did you, Jongin… I mean, you’re only in eighth grade and she’s…”

Jongin sighs and sinks his head in his hands, and Taemin was torn between comforting the heartbroken friend or smacking some sense into the clueless friend. He tries to do both, awkwardly putting an arm around Jongin’s shoulders and saying to Soojung, “Soojung-ah, Jongin really liked her a lot… more than usual. Whether or not he’s… ever actually talked to her or not, you should be a little more supportive… and you could’ve let him down easy, y’know.”

Soojung’s mouth falls open a little. “Um… I’m sorry, Jonginnie, I didn’t know.” She pushes the bucket of popcorn chicken in his direction as a consolation. “I just… I mean, you two have so many crushes that I really don’t understand the difference…” She reaches forward and pats his head awkwardly.

Jongin sighs deeply and lifts his head. “It’s okay, Soojung. I’ll get over it eventually.”

Taemin smiles fondly and kicks Soojung under the table. “When will you ever like anyone, Soojung?”

“Yeah, Soojung,” Jongin says as he reaches into the bucket of chicken. “I wonder if you even know how to like anyone.”

Soojung shrugs and dips a chip in salsa. “I don’t know, but I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest. Not after seeing you two and your hopeless quests with noonas. What’s wrong with people your own age, you’ll probably have better chances.”

“Hey, they’re not entirely hopeless…”

“I do think I’ve been hanging out with Sehun too much, though,” Jongin thinks aloud. “After Joohyun-noona, I’m taking a break from noonas.”

*

Jinri had once been upset at Soojung when the former had asked, "Soojungie, am I your best friend?" and Soojung had replied, "Well, you're one of my best friends."

Jinri pouted. "You can only have one best friend."

"Why's that?"

"Because best is best," Jinri said. "The word itself basically explains that there's only room for one."

"True." Soojung frowns. "Well, you're my best girl friend," she clarifies and Jinri rolls her eyes, retorting, "I can never win against those two boys, can I?"

"It's not that -- "

"So what about between those two? Which one is your best friend?"

"Oh, come on, Jinri, is this really necessary..."

Jinri giggles. "I'm not asking you to pick one and throw the other one out. I'm just curious. You've gotta be at least a tiny bit closer to one than the other."

"Jinri, for God's sake, if this is about Jiyoung and Sohyun's stupid bet -- "

"It's not! Okay, maybe it is, a little. Come on, I'm just curious. How does one compare to the other?"

And Soojung finds that she really does not have an answer. Not immediately, anyway. Fortunately Jinri takes that honest reply, but it does get Soojung thinking for a while.

Of course, she did see Taemin less after he moved away, but she doesn't think that made them less close or anything. He was just... less available, has his own life, while Jongin was somehow always around. Always there for her -- sometimes seemingly unwillingly, like he had no other choice, but there all the same. Taemin was a friend the way a friend was supposed to be, Jongin was like... an appendage. A fixed, unchangeable companion. There was also the fact that Taemin was a little more mature and a little more serious in relationships with other girls, while Jongin tended to just... play around a little, not really seriously dating anyone most of the time. That, of course, made it easier for him to still make time for the Unchangeable Companion. 

Now, Soojung wonders about the whole "unchangeable" part. Their parents never really forced them to play together. In the end, it was their own choice. They could change it, if they wanted. Changed how often they barged into each other's rooms, how often they walked to and from school together. Nobody was forcing them to marathon movies together or play video games until they pass out. Nobody, absolutely nobody, had bullied them into spending time with one another. And yet. They complain about being "stuck with each other" all the time, but they had chosen to be "stuck". They subconsciously chose to stick together as much as they did and only now does Soojung wonder about that.

Soojung also wonders if she's over-thinking the whole situation, reading too much into his change of behavior. Wonders why she cares this much. She wonders if she just misses him, plain and simple, and any additional 'feelings' are irrelevant. It still seems a little far-fetched that Jongin could feel, towards her, what Kyungsoo was implying he might feel, or that she might feel the same way. Maybe she just misses him because she was so used to being around him all the time that this change just feels too drastic. If things would just go back to normal she'd probably find that all traces of weird feelings would be gone.

Soojung knows, deep down, that essentially it's not about whether she does or does not have those feelings. It's about the fact that she Does Not Want To. 

Not now, not when she is with Taemin, because that would hurt him, and he is her best friend.. And that would make her a horrible, indecisive, stupid person. And not ever, because she does not know how to deal with those feelings, especially when it comes to Jongin, and Soojung has never been one to choose What She Could Have over What She Already Has.

With that being said, currently she has nothing, because it seems like Jongin is no longer her friend at all.

*

“Rooftop. Now.”

Jongin blinks. His front door has been open for about one and a half seconds but Soojung had already barged into his house, not bothering to take off her Uggs. “It’s cold out,” he says, not moving from the doorway.

“So put on a puffer. Look at me, I’m dressed appropriately.” She pauses, then turns to look at him. “Hey,” she says quietly, and Jongin notes her weary tone. “We need to talk, and we’ve both been avoiding it, and things have been awkward, but something needs to happen. And you, I don’t know if you don’t want to be my friend anymore or what, if you even care anymore.” Jongin’s stomach twists uncomfortably as he bites his lip and stares at her face. “If that’s the case, then I’d rather hear it from you now. I’d rather not guess around.” She turns around and clomps up the stairs. “So move it. Bundle up.”

Jongin obeys, his mind desperately trying to script out what to say. He knew, of course, that this talk would come soon. He knew that he should’ve initiated it and not Soojung, and the fact that she did meant that he’d put this off for too long. When he finally sits next to her outside wearing his puffer coat and thick socks, he still isn’t sure what to say. 

“I miss you, Jongin-ah,” Soojung says simply. “Things haven’t been the same for a while and I don’t understand. You don’t say anything but you slowly shrink away from me. You know I’m kinda insensitive with the things I do so… I don’t know what’s going on. I don't know what I did. Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jongin says. 

“So tell me what it is,” Soojung replies and Jongin can feel her frustration. “Was it the kiss? Because I totally understand if you regret the kiss, because I mean, it made things really weird — ”

“I’ve been waiting for that kiss,” Jongin blurts out without thinking, and Soojung blinks. They are both silent for a moment, before Jongin decides to get rid of the filter between his thoughts and his words and just let everything out. “Look, Soojung, my feelings for you are changing now. I guess they’ve been changing for a while, and I’ve known it all this time but I just can’t come to terms with it because I feel so weird about it. I was sort of embarrassed to like you, to be honest — hey, don’t hit me but you know you’re like a guy to me sometimes. And I told myself that you’re not even capable of those feelings so it’s pointless to bring this up to you. But then you said yes to Taemin and I…” Soojung thinks of Kyungsoo’s words; if you had to choose between Taemin and Jongin, could you? And of Jinri; How does one compare to the other? “I couldn’t deny it anymore. I can’t even try to deny that it hurts. And I know I never told you, I never said anything, and it’s my own fault. So I tried to hide it in the beginning but then it got so hard to be around you two, you especially, and I was afraid I’d…” He reaches out and touches her cheek with his thumb. “I don’t know, kiss you or something.”

“You already did.”

“I know, and that — Jinri really did take your phone, and I really did take it to avoid other creeps from doing so, but… Soojung, you know we didn’t really have to do anything in that closet.”

“Yeah,” Soojung whispers. The wind blew mercilessly but her cheeks were heating up, and her heart was thudding in her ribcage. And she knew that her reaction to his confession was the final blow on the wall of denial that she had built up, denying that although Taemin was the one who asked and she had said yes, her heart really belonged to Jongin all along.

He fidgeted around. “So, yeah…” His eyes darted around everywhere but her face. “That’s what’s wrong, and it’s not your fault, it’s mine, I know… And I can’t do anything about it, I mean I guess I’ll get used to it someday but now I just couldn’t stand and watch while you obviously love him — ”

“I have something to confess too,” Soojung interrupts. “Jongin, I don’t think I’ve ever loved him that way at all.”

Jongin widens his eyes. “What. Then what are you doing — ”

“I don’t know, he asked and he’s my best friend and I feel comfortable with him so I said yes,” Soojung garbles. “I don’t know how these things are supposed to work. What I’m supposed to feel toward the guy I date. I’ve never done this before, remember? And at the time I was just like, what’s it for me and him if I say no, anyway? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. And there didn’t seem to be any harm in it from the way he described it. And I didn’t know how I feel about you then. I’m a little stupid when it comes to these things — I really don’t know — ”

“Wait, I lost you. What do you mean, you didn’t know how you feel about me?”

“After I started dating Taemin and you withdrew yourself…” Soojung pauses. “Jongin, this might sound weird coming from me to you — not to mention a little embarrassing -- ”

Jongin sighs. “Soojung, I just straight-up said that I was thinking of kissing you, I don’t think you can get much weirder than that. Don't even talk about embarrassing.”

“Fine. Okay. So I realized that I usually think of you as a permanent fixture in my life and your absence felt really obvious. Then I started thinking about that. What was that supposed to mean, supposed to say about who you are in my life. Someone I can’t get rid of, or someone I take for granted, or… just, someone who I need to complete my life.”

“So… Soojung, what are you — what about Taemin — ”

“Taemin means a lot to me, obviously, but in the course of our relationship I guess I began to understand the difference between different types of love. And I’ve been trying to deny it because I didn’t want to mess anything up, but you — I think it’s never been Taemin, and it’s always been you.” Soojung takes a deep breath and says the words she doesn't even dare think out loud in her head: "I like you, Kim Jongin."

Jongin stares at her, open-mouthed, and Soojung blinks back at him. They stare at each other like that for a while, and Soojung is taken off guard when he suddenly leans forward and closes the space between their lips.

This kiss is different from the first. It’s sweeter, and softer, and gentle. They aren’t entangled in each other the way they were in the closet, yet this feels more intimate, and she felt her heartbeat speed up more now when he cards his fingers through her hair, rather than when his hands were around her waist and inching up her shirt, the way they were in the Seven closet. She leans in closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck, soaking up his warmth in the cold winter air.

They kiss like that for a long time, slow and languid with him gently caressing her hair, and all Soojung could think of initially was how much she likes this, reveling in their closeness, feeling as if Jongin is wordlessly telling her just how much she means to him. For a while there was no space in Soojung's head for anything else. Gone were all thoughts about how they were supposed to be just best friends, and gone were all her denials and counterattacks on every single little thought she'd ever had that suggested she might have special feelings for her best friend, specifically the one that didn't ask her out. 

But slowly, bits of her conscience managed to poke through. Is it right for Jongin to be the one making her feel like this, when she is still with Taemin? Isn't she supposed to feel this for Taemin? She'd never felt anything remotely like this toward Taemin -- she was comfortable with him, and she could talk to him about basically anything but she'd never cherished his presence, treasured his touch, craved a certain closeness to him. 

And that slowly crept to full-on guilt. She should've come to terms with her feelings faster to avoid this -- she shouldn't be liking and kissing someone else when she already has a boyfriend -- cheating. She was cheating. Cheating. Bad.

Soojung breaks apart from him gently, and even before she opens his eyes seem to tell her he understands. "Taemin," is all she whispers in explanation before she hurries away.

Jongin doesn't move. For once, being on the rooftop offers little consolation.

//

a/n. title taken from exo's "my lady" (and yes i'm aware that like 4 of my chapter titles are from that song)
well.... ta-dahh!! kaistal finally come clean to each other. but their relationship is far from resolved. and i am horrible at commenting on my own writing lol.