Your gentle hands, holding mine tightly, never letting go. Your expressive eyes, looking at me lovingly, stare never wavering. Your mouth, soft on my own, whispering assuring words. Your hair, shining in the sun, only I'm allowed to touch.

 

He sat in a corner, hidden from curious strangers. His eyes looked dull, hands balled to fists, messy hair, stony-faced. The dark aura around him couldn't be ignored. He didn't drink. No, he was past it. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to get bigger and bigger the longer someone stared at him. The pale skin, glowing in the dim light – a ghost who couldn't leave. He bit his thumb. No change in his facial expression.

 

Light laughter clang in the little room. You stand at a table, talking to a friend of yours. Your fingers strike a strand of hair behind your ear. You are beautiful. You don't need jewellery to gain attention. It is your personality, your gentle nature. Everyone is drawn to you. But you belong to one. To md.

 

Abruptly, he stood up and walked to the door. He didn't say bye nor did he acknowledge anyone. He lived in his own world. Where she was still by his side. Walking alongside, being his pillar of support. The cool wind blew towards him. Rain started to fall. He was thankful. The water hid the tears which ran down his cheeks. He did not cry. Never. He was not weak. He was strong.

 

Closing your eyes you enjoy our rest. Your head lying in my lap, face snuggling in my stomach. I feel your warmth, your firm believe in me. I want to show my love for you. Kissing you until no end, forever whispering sweet words in your ears, holding you in my arms my whole life. My biggest wish: may the time stay still. It came true.

 

A sob escaped his lips. Quickly, he covered his mouth. No one should see him breaking down. His façade, built over the years, couldn't be destroyed in less than a second. He refused to let it happen. He slid down a wall, arms slung around his legs, face hidden. The cold crept in his bones. It was welcoming. It numbed the pain, deep inside him. For a short moment, he could breathe, was able to forget the hurtful memories of a life he would never live again.

 

Dancing around happily you examine every inch of the house. Eyes sparkling you jump in my arms, smiling brightly. I love to hear your excited voice. My present to you who stands beside me. My present to you who brings me the greatest joy. My present to you who was my all. Our house, our life, our everything. Our little family.

 

He cringed, hearing the laughter of children. Unsteady, he stumbled on the wet road. A few kids were running in the drizzle, splashing in the puddle. They screamed, laughed and shouted at each other. They knew the fun side of their existence. They were living, he existed. The big difference between them. He had lost his star. His guide in the jungle called to be an adult. And now? He was lost, lost and broken. The only thing left were words.

 

Don't cry, don't lose hope. I won't leave you. Don't fear the future. I'll be there, waiting for you. Don't fear the present. I'm here, standing by your side. Don't fear the past. I was the one you met. Why do you lose your believe? Cracking. Why do you stop talking to me? Deaf. Why do you forget yourself? Lost. Do you know I love you? Strong.

 

Keys fell on the ground. He bend and looked at them sadly. Their keys. Their house. Their dream. Destroyed by him. He shook his head. How often did he promise to stop lingering in the past. Why did he break the promise every so often? He was at a cliff. Going back, one step forward. The choice he had to make.

 

You walk hand in hand with me. Noises swirl to us, but your voice let them fade. My personal shield. Our friends, our parents, strolling in front of us. A perfect scene. You want some ice cream. I buy it. You give me a kiss, share the sweetness with me. My heart want to explode. Everyday... I will bring you happiness every single day. So you won't have to experience the feeling of being abandoned.

 

Alone, so alone. He lied on his bed, staring in the darkness. He didn't turn in the lights. He would see her everywhere: in the kitchen, in the living-room, doing house-chores, and worst, he would see her beside him, sleeping peacefully. That sight, he wasn't able to bear. He had a long way to go. He knew it. He knew, the tears he didn't spill, they would burst one day. He knew he needed to cry, so he could heal. But healing means letting go. That... he wasn't able to do. His strength left him a long time ago.

 

Complains of how hard it is to go upstairs, complains about how easy a man has it, complains about younger disrespectful people. I endure it for you because I love you. I accept it because I know how much you suffer. I smile about it because you were the same. How can I live without your rough edges?

 

He opened his eyes. As always, he hadn't slept well. Tired, the feeling all energy he had was been drained, he slurred in the kitchen and stared at the table. Marks of spilled coffee were imprinted over the whole table. In his head he saw her placing full cups on it and her little cursing after some of the hot drink landed on her hand. He heard her running around, searching for her lost shoe. It was always the right, never the left. How it was possible, he didn't know. Sometime, the world couldn't be understood. Well, he didn't care. He had what he needed, something else didn't matter. And now?

Slowly, the happiness vanished. Day after day, you distanced yourself from me. I didn't know what to do. You didn't let me touch you. You didn't allow me to give you a kiss goodnight. You tossed me away. Why? A secret you wasn't able to tell, maybe you didn't want to. Who knew? I never asked, only accepted. Our perfect relationship, somehow managed to get cracks. First, it were a few, but with the time they became more and more until it shattered.

 

He sighs. His hand travelled the frame of one of the many pictures they took together. A picture with happy smiles, bright eyes and a shining sun. a long forgotten day. He closes his eyes, blinking the tears away. He can't cry here, now. There is one place he is allowed to. A bitter smile forms on his lips. Maybe the time has come. Cutting all strings connecting to the past. Starting a different life with a different person. How many years since she isn't there any more? Three? Four? He lost counting.

 

A lost shoe, left alone. A broken fingernail, rasped to make it new. Stale tears, buried in a wet pillow at night. There was only sadness lingering in the air. Joyful laughter, long lost. Lively talks, almost forgotten. Breathing sounds beside him, no more. Her whispering voice, calling out his name, ebbed away.

 

I go the path leading to your grave. A bouquet of flowers lay lonely on the bed. I haven't visit for a long time. It took me too long. But who can understand? People need their time, dealing with the of fate they experience. A lonely tear slide down my cheek, falling to the ground, disappearing in the soil. My heart clench as I kneel in front of the stone. I stare at your name, the date you were born, the date you died way too early, the few words 'As We Kiss Goodbye'.

In the end you left. I lay alone in the bed, eat by myself, watch TV with no one, go to work silently, come home without a welcoming hug and kiss. The lie I lived is destroyed. I need to say goodbye.

It hurts, but I have to do it. You will always be cherished by me. But you won't be more than a memory. I will bury the life we lived and move on. As you wished I walk on the road we started at. I can't forget. I'll leave it. Deep in my heart shall it remind me of the beautiful side life has. Once, only once I will cry all the tears I shed in my dreams. So many, I can't count them like the stars. I'm just crying, sobbing. Goodbye, my heart, my soul, my all. 

In Love, Yoochun