5

 

Like the stars which don’t leave the darkened sky,
Being together forever by the faith of love,

At the end of each tears, there’s a stream of light,
Which will light up the dark, and sink into time

I’ll embrace your solid heart with eternal warmth

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was cold. Snow started to fall. It was the last day before Christmas Eve. Candles were lightened, Christmas songs started to play. Isolated in a room, working on a pile of files a tall man giving off the aura of someone who know how to lead, sat in his chair, face scrunched up. The smell of a cooked goose infiltrated his nose. His stomach growled. Grimly, he continued writing. He had to finish the things, then he could go home. Suddenly, a coffee was placed in front of him. He looked up. His eyes widened when he saw the person in front of him. You never change, huh? Forgetting everything while working. You need to drink.

He did not utter a word, just took the cup and tasted it. As expected, he liked it. Thanks... His eyes focussed on his current file.

Say, do you hate Christmas? The question diverted his attention to the man who stood now a few metres away, looking out the window.

Why do you ask?

You never showed any reaction. Everyday seems same to you. Aren't you getting bored?

It's not your business. He started writing. A hand grabbed his wrist. He felt the other's warmth behind him. It is. I care about you.

He laughed. Our last conversation sounded different, don't you think? How about leaving me alone?

You owe me a punch. The words were spoken emotionless. Finally, he looked in the other's face. You want to punch me? His eyebrows raised in amusement. For what? I've done nothing wrong. Or is exactly that my punishment? You're a funny guy sometimes...

In a flash hurt lit up in the other's eyes before vanishing again. Just answer me. Confusion showed on the business man face. Then, he understood what the words meant. Stretching out he stood up, not looking in the other's direction. I don't hate it. I'm not interested, that's all. Satisfied? Since he did not hear an answer he looked up to see a happy smile. Eyes sparkled, yet, there were tears falling down slightly red cheeks. That's good. The relief was clearly heard. I'm glad.

What is with you? You're acting strange.

Do I? The smile faded. It's kind of strange, you know? This weeks I thought I could do it. I really did. But with each day passing I felt the emptiness more and more. Knowing how important someone is when he left – what a paradox. Yunho... The name was spoken softly. Feared, it could break the man in front. Do you know how often the thought of turning back time crossed my mind? Not back seconds before our argument started, I wished I could get back way before that. I hate it, I seriously do. I'm not the friend I should be. I give you grief and pain whenever I open my mouth. At days I wished I had never ran into you back then when I was scared of that creepy teacher of mine. I wished I had just let him take my hand and led me away from you. I wished it so much. Tears fell continuously. But at night I curse myself. I feel cold and lonely. Your words circle in my head. I can't forget them. How can I leave if you're behind me, watching out for me? How can I disappoint your trust in me? His voice broke. Slowly he stepped near catching the taller man's hand. I miss you, your warmth, your support. I'm sorry. I should have never said the things I said back then. I'm horrible. Don't leave; I'll need the chance to ask for your forgiveness. I will ask again and again because I'm a selfish person.

Jaejoong... the one called Yunho did not move his hand away. For the first time all of his emotions were placed on his face. You won't give up, right? Ah, don't answer. I should know. You're the most stubborn person I'd ever met. Still, I can't say I forgive you. The anger I felt when I heard what had happened. The self-hatred because I couldn't protect her. The helplessness and fury because all of your words were true. It's hard to forget everything. But what I hated the most was how you talked about yourself. I felt the time I spent to show you what an amazing person you are was worthless. I really thought we had to start at point zero again. 'What's the use of trying if it backfires anyway?'. 'Ah, that's how I get rewarded?'. 'I should just leave him be, he won't hear me.' All those thoughts filled my mind and I was assured that's the best solution. I was exhausted. My strength to keep going left me. I couldn't keep up. I... I didn't want... I never intended... I'm sorry, so sorry –

His rambling continued until a voice stopped him. Yunho ah, look at me. The order sounded like a plead. Called man locked eyes with the shorter one and finally he found what he was searching for. You understand?

A finger brushed over his lids. Instinctively, he closed his eyes. Why are you crying? I'm at fault not you, stupid. Don't apologize. Didn't I say I'll ask for your forgiveness? Me. Not you. The amusement in the other's voice made the taller smile. What am I going to do with you? I feel really bad now.

Your punishment for staying away.

You said we're over. It was spoken quietly.

Don't make it sound like we are a couple. People will think it's true. And weren't you the one who said I won't ever see you again? Again, the room's temperature fell. The raven haired man took two steps back. You know I'm a bad liar. His body trembled. Why do you take everything I say so seriously?

The answer was spoken tenderly. Because I respect you. A short pause. If I laugh about the things you say you would be hurt.

Jokes are meant to be funny...

I don't talk about jokes. The tall man took a few steps forward, closing the distance between them. Outside sirens cut through the tense silence. How often did I tell you to stop running away? Aren't you a strong person? I hate it when you look weak and scared. I hate it when you have tears in your eyes. I hate that you look at me with that expression I despise the most – because it's the source of my wrong doing. It tells me I did something to make you unhappy. Something I never wanted to do. His tone became firm. I don't care if you like it or not, I won't leave. I have a promise to fulfil.

Amused laughter filled the room. My mother sure has her power over you... I'm kinda jealous.

Faint red crept in the tall man's face. Don't embarrass me. Your mother can be scary for real. I don't want to stand on her enemy's side.

She loves you too much to ever hurt you. The other grinned. She always asks how you are when I'm calling. He huffed. Sometimes I have the feeling you're more a son to her than me.

He was quickly interrupted. That could never happen.

It can't? A painful look in big eyes. Tell me, Yunho, what am I? Who am I? Because I don't know. Wherever I am I never feel completed. Even when you were by my side there was still something missing. Than I met the others. I don't even remember how. Except you I have no knowledge about the first meeting with other people. Is it strange? Am I strange? I don't want to feel the emptiness in my chest, Yunho. Please, come back. Make me feel normal...

Strong arms wrapped around his body. Jaejoong closed his eyes and clutched the fabric of the other's shirt tightly. He breathed in the scent that belonged only to his best friend. He wondered how he had survived the last weeks. I won't hurt you as I did before. His voice was muffled. I will hurt you though, again and again. Even if I don't want to. That's who I am. Just … accept it, please? He stopped talking. Yunho tightened his hold. The fear in his best friend's voice pained him to no end. Why had it have to turn out this way? He never wanted them to be apart. I won't leave you, Jae. I promised – not only your mother – but more importantly you. Why do you always keep on forgetting things I told you? My honest words, my support, my feelings. You're really stupid. Well, I am, too. We're a great fit, aren't we? He chuckled and loosened his embrace. Automatically, he leaned forward until their foreheads touched. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. Promise me we'll go through it together. His best friend smiled. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. His eyes glistened suspiciously. I promise. We stand by each other's side. No matter what happens.

 

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It was quiet in the room. No one spoke a word. Tension filled the air it was only a matter of time until everything exploded. A man in his twenties sat on the white coach which occupied half of the living room. It didn't surprise him. The owner of the apartment wasn't at home most of the time these days. Always walking along the streets, ignoring incoming calls. What happened about the happy times?

 

There was no destination he wanted to go. Just escaping the emptiness. Not that it worked. The noises of the cars, the different scents whirling around him, the snippets of a conservation from strangers, nothing could replace this feeling inside him. It drove him crazy. So bad... he wanted to feel happiness so bad. A sigh mixed in the surrounding, unnoticed by everyone. No difference at all. Was he still alive? What did living means? Waking up, going to work, holding conservations with annoying co-workers and customers, coming back home exhausted, sleeping without dreaming. Isn't that only called 'existence'?

His steps slowed down, his glance unfocused. The people seemed to steal the air to breathe. He needed to get away. But before he could take action a all too familiar voice pierced his ears. Cringing he turned around to see his brother running, a hand lifted and waved as crazy. Damn, his brother's timing was the worst of the worst. He didn't say anything, just stared at the younger one who seemed to have breathing problems.

 

A glass shattered on the ground. Its broken pieces caught the sunlight that was shining in the room. One pair of eyes stared at the broken figure, expressionless as the portrayed person staring down at them. The silence hurt. He couldn't stand it. The happiness others experienced while he suffered because of a dark memory, appearing from time to time, stealing the last bit of peace that was left.

 

He was dragged along, neither trying to free himself from the firm grip his arm was in nor asking why he had to be at the place they were going. A shudder went down his spine as he looked up the building which seemed to rise in the untamed sky. Gray clouds piled up and the threateningly looking front absorbed the last rays of light. A bad omen. He knew it. His brother shook his head. For him it was nothing but a storm, leaving after a while, only traces will be able to prove it was even there. But he knew better: not just the force of nature; a warning to turn back.

He looked in his younger brothers eyes. There he saw the stubbornness he had himself. It didn't matter. As much as he would plead the younger won't budge. They were the same.

Don't worry. He heard the words coming out of his brother's mouth and nodded. What else could he do? Saying he wants to run away? Hide somewhere and never face the cruel world again? How selfish would he be?

 

Quietly sitting in the bedroom, he watched him getting dressed. His figure was illuminated in the moonlight shining through the open window. He could still feel his warmth, his eyes gazing lovingly over him, big hands caressing soft skin... Did he dream? He hoped so. If not, he destroyed the lives of two people. Something he never wanted to happen.

 

You need to stop, hyung. His brother hold his hands tightly. You shouldn't fool yourself. Face the consequences. You aren't a coward. I should know, right?

A sigh escaped the other's lips. How could he answer? Taking a deep breath he locked eyes with his naïve brother. The only thing he dared to protect. Shielding him, so he never had to experience the pain he had to suffer. Why?

They were the same. Just the same. Running away to protect themselves from harm, to avoid being hurt. Because they didn't want to know – the truth following them like a shadow. They couldn't get rid of it. It was there, is there, will be there. No way to escape. He was caged in his own heart.

You know I can't. Voice hoarse. A lump in his throat. You know better than anyone that I just can't. It's not that I don't want to, it's not that I never thought about it. It isn't. Tears formed in his eyes. He didn't notice. Too occupied with things he thought he had let got a long time ago.

Hyung... The faint voice reached his ears. He shook his head. No, no more listen, no more hearing, no more speaking. Can't everyone just be quiet? Leave me be, he wanted to scream. Leave me alone. I don't care. Don't try to help, don't try to comfort, don't try to stay by my side. It's all lies. So stop letting the hope grow, stop making me feel more pathetic. I can't stand it. I want to forget the memories we shared – him and I. Won't you listen? But he said nothing of it. Just two words:

I'm sorry...

 

A sweet voice whispered in his ears, comforted the tortured man in the darkness. Pictures lied on the ground, surrounding him in his helplessness. Hands, formed to fists, lips formed to a thin line, eyes shut tightly, the whole body huddled. Where? Where was the one to rescue him? Eyes filled with tears. He always saw him, getting into the car, droving away, leaving him behind. Why?

 

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Changmin!

The name was shouted angrily. It was the second time and still no answer. The one searching for the man stomped his feet furiously. Where are you brat? Won't you answer your brother?!

A sleepy figure came out from the bathroom. Confused, the tall man rubbed his eyes and stared at the smaller and furious one in front of him. Hyung?

Don't 'hyung' me. The other glared at him. Why the hell are empty bottles of alcohol shattered in the living-room? The air smells and I almost slipped because a shirt lied on the ground. And that isn't yours! He held said object up. What in God's name did you do yesterday?

Before the younger one could answer the door to another room opened and a curious face with brownish hair popped up. Changmin? What's with all the noises?

Kyuhyun? The disbelieving tone made said person look up. His eyes widened. Junsu hyung? You're back?

If I weren't I wouldn't be here, right? Sarcastically, he raised an eyebrow.

You could still be snoring somewhere...

Choi Kyuhyun, do you want to point out something?

No, nothing at all. Changmin's best friend grinned and stepped out the door. Nice to see you again, Junsu hyung. Same duck as ever. The oldest opened his mouth, embarrassment and anger clearly shown on his face. He gave a strange sound when his eyes caught the half body of the brown haired. Why are you ?

Blinking eyes. You have my shirt. It was stated matter-of-factly.

That doesn't explain your current appearance in a least. It was said rushed and rather loudly.

Hyung, my head hurts. The whine came unexpected. Stop yelling.

Be quiet, Changmin. I don't want to imagine what the two of you did last night... The oldest shuddered. Thoughts that should stay in the dark started to appear in his mind.

Hyung! It was shouted desperate. We're both guys.

So what? His brother raised an eyebrow. You think two guys can't do that? He snorted. Didn't know you were homophobic...

The younger opened his mouth and closed it. He just shook his head and mumbled incoherent words. He glanced at his friend who just shrugged. Well, I hope you don't mind me staying, Junsu hyung. Minnie missed me so much I had no choice but to come here.

I said to stop calling me with that horrible nickname. The tallest glared at both of them. And I did not miss you, Kyu. I'm just bored, that's all. Hyung is no fun when he comes home. He locks himself in his room and sleeps 'til morning. Guilt flashed the oldest one's face. It was ignored. Can we have diner? Gaming makes hungry...

A sigh. Fine. The two of them cheered and grinned like little boys. On one condition. They stopped and stared intensely on the man who has raised a finger, wearing a stern expression. Change in something suitable. We're not in Stone Age...

 

Later on when night life awakened and people went to sleep, the oldest of the three men currently sharing one apartment sat on the sofa, staring at the television. Outside honks were pressed and reached his ears. It brought back memories of a time when he was still in school and went out playing. When he was annoyed of his little brother for constantly being praised. When he kissed a girl and a boy for the first time. A small smile appeared on his face. How he wished he could turn back to the innocent times where a mistake were nothing but a pebble meant to get kicked out the way. He grabbed the picture placed on the ceiling and stared at the smiling faces waving at him. A older woman and man stood close to each other in the background, their hands placed on the shoulders of two young children, merely older than nine or ten. Before them kneed another, one or two years older and held the hand of the child on the left side. With his thumb the man followed the outline of the young child which pouted slightly and had a stubborn glint in his eyes. Changmin ah... you never changed, huh? His grip on the frame tightened.

Hyung?

His head shot up. After a few seconds of silence he cleared his throat. What is it, Min? Can't sleep?

The newcomer shook his head. I'm hungry. Can you make me a snack?

At this late hour?

Please. The pleading in his eyes reminded the man so much of the child the other once was. I really can't resist your puppet eyes. It was spoken as a murmur but in the quiet living-room clearly heard.

Well, one has to do it. A comment stated obviously and loud.

Are you sayin' I'm old?! The offended tone made the other chuckle. Honesty is the best policy. The taller held up his index. You should have studied when you had the chance, hyung. I told you playing around does you no good.

A groan. Don't lecture me. I'll warn you: behave or you get nothing but rice, got it?

The sweet smile he got in return made his heart swoon. You're the best. And, hyung? He stopped and turned around just to be embraced by the taller. I'll be there for you. The following words came slowly, as if he was unsure how to express his thoughts. I know it is hard to let him go. I know it was the last time you met him when you made diner earlier. Just remember that I am by your side. Yoochun may be gone but I'm still here and I won't go anywhere. He smiled brightly at the older, eyes mismatching. Don't forget. You're not alone. Will never be.

 

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Your cold hands; your trembling lips, You bear it as if nothing has happened.

He won't say a thing. I know him. It's not that he can't, it's his pride. You can tell he is a proud man. Someone who don't give in even if it costs his life. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. He values his life. In fact he cares too much about everyone else. One day his kindness will eat him up. But I can't change that part. I will just protect him when times come; being the strong shoulder he need to lean on.

 

Are you afraid of reminiscing somebody? Forcing yourself to swallow the words you wish to speak

He's breaking. Every second I look at him tears start to roll. What's wrong with him? Why can't he just leave? He hurts himself. Am I no good? Is it that hard to trust another human being? He's stupid, so stupid. Does he want to die? What else do I have to do to make him feel human? Do I have to leave? For his sake. I should have been honest before. I am not the one to lead him out of the dark. That's what I understood.

 

Your disregard is starting to melt away, just like the white snow.

He did so much. I can't count how much. I appreciate it. I really do. But how am I suppose to repay him? What can I do? When he's tired I cook for him. When he needs somebody to listen I come right away. When he works too hard I stop him. For what? Ain't I useless? Everyone can do that. I want to do something special. I want to be special to him.

 

Like the stars which don’t leave the darkened sky.

Being together forever by the faith of love.

If I could be that person.

I’ll embrace your solid heart with eternal warmth.

 

Even if your heart is in pain, after confronting with reality.

You don't have to pretend. Not in front of me. I know you, the real you. You're not weak just because you let down your walls. You're the one who's strong. Don't you know your trust in me is what keeps me going? Give me the encouragement to stand up again because I know there is someone waiting for me. Someone who cares about me, who wants to know what I experienced every day. Don't turn your back.

 

At the end of each tears, there’s a stream of light which will light up the dark, and sink into time.

It's not that I resent him. Oh no, I could never. I wouldn't know how. Our parents aren't the support they should be. I'm shocked, yeah. But how can I hate the person who took care of me all the time... who's more a father to me than my actual parent? It's funny? Well, I guess. He's naïve, hyper and so not a stereo-type adult. I guess that's the reason I can be who I am. I'm always ensured his hand led me the right path. I'm lucky.

 

In the unbearable heart, which has stopped we can feel each other with this warmth.

She dictated my life, my thoughts, my everything. Love is cruel. It makes you weak and scared towards the future. You fear what will come. A nightmare you invited with open arm, a sweet nightmare. Then, when you suffered and have nothing to be scared of any more, there comes another addiction. People who call themselves friends. One word, a dangerous meaning. It pushed my heart on the edge, the heart wants to jump. But you'll get pulled back. Back to arms, strong and warm. Four pairs of arms you never felt before. It's quite fun. A new drug. A drug I could not live without. So much more cruel and sweeter.

 

The scars and sighs everybody holds. Everybody is looking for a place to embrace them.
It's warm. So warm. I want to drown in the feeling. The feeling of being welcomed. Do you know? I'm not sure. Did you experience the cold side of a house? I did. And now, I learned about the other side, the side I never want to leave again. The smell of freshly cooked dished. The heartily laughter of people who enjoy each others company. The freedom to pout, to whine and to be pampered by a person who is only a mere two years older. The amusement to tease, to fight, to play with someone as addicted as yourself. The longing to sleep comfortable, to sing and eat whenever you want, to be taken care of. The enjoyment of driving everyone crazy, giving chills with greasiness and saying an appreciate thank you. Do you know that place? I do...

 

I, just to one person, just to you, I’ll be part of your beautiful world.

 

 

Alone, at the end of the world; my heart.

Junsu...

You were left, you were alone; don’t be afraid.

Yoochun...

For a very long time; let you know my love,
Jaejoong...

 

I’ll keep this; you know

Changmin...

Love secure; let you know my love

Yunho...

 

Like the stars which don’t leave the darkened sky. Being together forever by the faith of love. If I could be that person. I’ll embrace your solid heart with eternal warmth.

Always keep the faith

 

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So, I'm almost at the end of the story... After this there will be probably only an epilogue.

I know the plot is a bit confusing and doesn't explain everything. But I like it that way xD 

After I'll post the epilogue the next story starts. :D With many different people.^^

But if I have time I'll write something like a sequel to I'll be there. Don't forget. Only if you want of course. ;)

So, have nice Christmas Days and a Happy New Year~

See ya :3