To see no end, to hear unwanted words, to feel loneliness, to walk without strength. What is outside the world? 

A man, suffering from the dark side of life who does not believe he will be rescued. Can he find back to himself ?

Is friendship as strong as it is always claimed? Where is his pillar of support?

 

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Cold air blew him in his face. He, covered in a thin jacket and a black scarf, opened a door to a little, hard to notice bar. Inside nobody looked up. The newcomer was no one they knew. A common thing. Quietly he moved to the counter and sat down on one of many barstools. His mobile phone vibrated but he ignored the incoming call. He did not want to talk. Just being by himself, enjoying the free time. He doesn't want to remember the fight with the one person who was the most important to him. The screaming and hurtful words. Later, he would allow the regret to come. But not now.

 

I am delusional. To think I will be able to go on. How stupid am I? For years I depend on him, been selfish, never asked what he wanted. Is this the best I can do? Running away after a fight, caused by my stupid pride. Seems so. How pathetic. I am all grown-up and still behaving like a five years old who didn't get his candy. Spoiled brat. Crying and pouting about futile things as sweets...

 

His foot tipped on the floor, creating quiet sounds. To vague to hear them exactly. He shook his head.

 

Actually, a kid doesn't understand. Can't understand. Why? Why did that person leave me? What did I do wrong? Does he not like me any more? Questions like that pop out in your head. You begin to search for reasons, blame yourself. It makes you depressed, you do things you hadn't done before. For what? Because you don't know how to get going.

 

Deep in thoughts he let his fingers draw circles on the dirty desk.

 

Being a kid is difficult. Not an easy task. Adults forgot about their childhood. They don't want to remember the bad things as well the good ones. Being a child was a necessary in the process of growing up. That's what they think. But it's just a delusion. You're just helpless, nothing else. Don't want to show the others your soft spot, the darkness, which lingered in everyone of us.

 

Bitter laugh filled the room. Men and women stopped in their tracks. Wry looks were thrown his way. He didn't care.

 

Always losing control. Always fighting the tears. The stinging pain, which consumes other feelings.

Happy child – just a dream.

You have to fight, to force a laugh, to be polite, no right to complain. Every step is directed by adults - people called parents. But you can't call yourself 'father' or 'mother' just because. You need to gain the right to be called that. How many mothers don't know what their children want and need. Giving toys to stop the everlasting begging to play with them. Hiring a nanny to take care of the dirt caused at the playground. Giving no goodnight-kiss because they are too tired to notice their waiting child. So many blind people out there.

 

A sigh escaped his red lips. His dark bangs covered half of his eyes. It wasn't important who he was. A man among others, ordering a drink like everyone else, sitting silently by himself. No difference at all.

 

Who am I? Why am I here? Is there a place waiting for me? I don't know. It's so hard to find an answer. I don't have the strength to get up, to walk and search, to find the puzzle, the key to the closed door. It's bothering. Flooding with the crowd, bathing in the voices of strangers. Music in my ears. Can't you hear it?

 

Questioned eyes looked up. The demand in them were hard to bear. A second drink was been put in front of him. The bartender smiled slightly.

 

He doesn't understand. The sorrow called life. He lives sheltered, enjoys the warmth of people who love him and would catch the stars if he wanted. He's naïve. He believes in fairy-tales, good wins over bad. For him everyone deserves a happy-ending. Then, where is it? Won't be able to see it. No believe, no hope. The destroyed trust turns into hate and envy. Why him? Why the ones who can't afford a single meal without turning the penny ten times.

 

Few people stood up and left. The empty glasses stayed abandoned - pitiful, used and thrown. The bartender picked them up, putting them in the dishwasher. Out of sight.

 

This is it, I guess? Avoiding my faults with using the behaviour of a innocent child to defend my existence. I want to go, run to him, telling him I'm sorry. I want him to hold me in his arms, saying that he forgives me. But I'm scared. Will he abandon me? Will he stay? Putting up with all my flairs and moods? I'm not easy. I'll do everything for him but I demand too much on the contrary. No one wants a greedy friend. It's hard to change. Too hard. I know I lost it. The me I was when I was young. Do you know what he tells me when I ask him why he is still by my side? 'Because you're warm.'

 

He snorted, his cheeks flushed with anger and the already consumed alcohol. The bartender stayed silent, pouring a new drink, waiting for the customers to leave. He wanted to go home, too.

 

Do you know the feeling of disgust? Not at the usual things but yourself. Hating you for who you are? Being told to be warm, even though you know it's a lie? 'Don't lie'. How often do you say those words? How often are they being ignored. It's not funny. But they laugh, making fun of you. Play it over. Too many times said to hear. To scream the frustration out is a easy solution. Well, you hurt others... intentional or not. Doesn't matter. I feel bad. So bad. I wish he was here.

 

His eyes glistened. Tears kept falling, silent protests of unfairness and hurt. He seemed deaf. No reaction. The door which was opened and closed gently. The tall entrant walked slowly to the counter. A expressionless face. The other didn't see.

 

I'm weak without him. I'm strong when I stand on his shoulders. I can climb over mountains if I know he's waiting at the other side. Beautiful memories, they comfort me at cold nights. The future seems dark and worthless. I'm nothing without him. If I call out his name, would he come? I suppose not. To see me in this state... not very alluring. Helpless. Talking and talking but do I something against it? Taking action. Not easy to do.

 

His pale hand grabbed the new drink but it was stopped by long fingers. Opening his mouth to raise his voice he looked at the rude person. Wide eyes he stared at the newcomer. His body began to tremble and more tears flow down his flushed cheeks.

 

Swallow your tears, Jae. I'm here. Don't cry. Drinking to forget? You'll only regret. Smile for me, please? I love the happiness showing on your face. Don't hide it behind a wall of sadness. It's not like you to break down. Where is the strong man facing any obstacles that encounters him?

 

The taller of the two cupped the other's face. A little smile on his lips. His fingers travelled from the hidden forehead to the straight bridge of the nose along his jawline back to the now closed eyes. He ignored the wild beating heart of the person in front of him.

 

When you open your eyes don't you dare look at me with shame and regret. It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have known. Your reaction, behaviour, your good and bad sides, your weaknesses and strengths, your cold outside and warm inside – I know them better than myself. For me, you're an open book. My words, accusations, they hurt you more. I'm here to protect you, I promised, right? So stop pushing me away. Don't let me stay in the pouring rain alone.

 

The dark haired man shook his head. Lips moved but no words were heard. Only Yunho... He could not say the things he wanted the other to know so badly. His hands gripped the still cold fingers of his best friend. A second later his heartbeat calmed down. He took a few deep breaths and opened his mouth. Words, not more than a whisper, escaped his lips.

 

Don't leave. I'm cold, the alcohol doesn't warm me up as I thought. It's still useless. How often did I say I stop crying? How often did I say I stop running away? I do it again and again. Break promises we made. How can I call myself your best friend? Embarrassing, disappointing. You deserve someone who treats you right. I always hurt you, complain to you, never listen to what you have to say. I'm narcissistic, an egoist. Answer me. Am I the kind of friend you need, want and wish for?

 

Only the sound of clinking glasses were heard in the bar. The few customers who were still present seemed to sleep, their chins on their chest. Silent, the bartender moved in the corner and let the two people alone. If they needed a drink he would give them one. That's why he was there.

 

Idiot. Why would you think that? Nobody is perfect. Isn't that what makes us individual – special?

It's okay to be scared. Nothing wrong with it. As long as you keep going. Don't look behind. Only forward. The past is the past. You can't change it. Only accept it. The only thing you have to do is to stay strong, not to falter in front of an obstacle, built by people who hold a grudge against you, envy you. Not because how you look. Shallow-brained people think like that. No. The character counts. Your personality. You're beautiful, on the inside as on the outside.

 

More tears filled the eyes of the raven haired. He bit his lips to stop them running down his cheeks. They did it anyway. His fingers grabbed the sleeve of the taller man.

 

It hurts. I feel so alone. Even though you're here. I'm no good. You're so far away, I can't reach you. I can't see you. What should I do? My sight is fogged. Your voice is flannelling. I'm all alone. Why can't I hear you? I see your hands, reaching out for me. Why can't I take them? Your eyes telling me you're here, waiting for me. Why can't I believe it? Help me, Yunho. There's no light.

 

The called man briefly closed his eyes. Pain, anger, frustration, understanding appeared for an instant on his face before he could control himself again. His voice was smoothing, gentle compared to the desperate tone the other used seconds before.

 

You may not see me but I see you. You may not reach me but I can reach you. You may not hear me but I can hear you. You may not believe but I do. I'll become what you can't be. I'll be your other half. The one you're running from. So one day you'll be able to turn around and greet me with a smile, welcome me and listen to me, believe in me and yourself. I'll wait for you to say 'I'm strong'. Until that day I walk behind you, support you with all I've got and push you when you hesitate. I'm your pillar, escape rope, resting place. Everything you want me to be. Because I'm your friend. And for me you are the most important one in the world.

 

A few sobs could be heard. The taller pulled the other closer and hugged him tightly. He him over the hair, eyes looking into spare. The bartender appeared and put two glasses in front of both. He nodded and smiled slightly before vanishing again.

 

I...I'm no good, Yunho. But I'll try. I'll try to be worth your friend. Even if it cost me everything else, I'll try. So, please, stay by me. I know I'm selfish from time to time. I know I'm stubborn and huffy when something does not got my way. I know you put up with my moods and my bad days. I know you're always there. Watching over me when I'm sick. Singing to me when I'm at a end for words. Laughing over my jokes even when they aren't funny. Comforting me when I'm crying. Leading me out in the light when I'm hiding from everyone. But I also know your everlasting patience has an end, too. I know when you're gritting your teeth you don't agree with something. I know you hide your hurt behind a smile. I know you'll become affectionate when you feel lonely. I know you don't want to show anyone your weak side and always put on a act of a strong man who never wavers. As you know me I know you.

 

The last words were a mere whisper. His pale hand caressed the others tanned cheek. A little smile appeared in the corner of his lips. His large eyes had the sparkle in them again which was a part of him since little. The taller put his own hand on the pale ones. Mutual understanding was shown on both of their faces. They didn't say anything as both of them stand up and walked a few feet behind each other out of the small bar. Outside the moon throw his light on the quiet town. Bizarre shadows formed everywhere. The black haired guy stopped and stared at the man's back in front of him. Not even two seconds past before the taller turned around looking at him questioningly. A soft breeze blew at them. A moment later the tall one reached out his hand and smiley warmly. His eyes asked his friend to take it. Hesitantly, he followed his silent beg. Biting his lips his fingers wrapped around the long and gentle ones. Warmth flowed through him and he closed his eyes. Knowing, his best friend would always be there, he opened them again and looked at almond shaped eyes. They were full of affection, understanding, gentleness and passion. He felt safe.

As long as Yunho's gaze wouldn't change Jaejoong knew he could walk and overcome any obstacle that appeared on his way. Because he wasn't alone. Always a few steps behind the most precious person would be, catching him whenever he'd fall, pushing him when he hesitated, encouraging him when he lost his courage, guiding him through every labyrinth. Forever, with all his mind, heart and soul.

 

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So I hope it was enjoyable.^^

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See you~