They sat on the bathroom floor in silence for a few minutes. Baekhyun didn’t want to move or speak, fearing that anything would startle the fragile man in front of him. Chanyeol had kept his head in his hands, not wanted to acknowledge the fact that Baekhyun was in this room with him…witnessing his faults.

“I never wanted to hurt you Baekhyun…and bring you into my wreck of a life”. Chanyeol looked up and was overwhelmed by the automatic eye contact Baekhyun established with him.

“What are you talking about? This sounds like the start of a break-up…but here’s the thing Chanyeol…we never even got a chance to date”. There was anger in Baekhyun’s voice and it caught Chanyeol off guard, rendering him speechless. Baekhyun took a deep breath and continued a bit softer. “I haven’t even seen you in a month…I think the appropriate conversation for us to have would be ‘what have you been doing for a whole fricken month’…what have I missed?”

Chanyeol’s breathing had stabilized and his heart rate was almost down before 100 beats per minute, so he slowly walked over to Baekhyun. Baekhyun stared up at him in response, waiting with a confused look for his next move.

“That’s just it Baek…you haven’t missed anything…because all I’ve ‘been doing for a whole fricken month’…is think about you…is dream about you…is paint you…and play back every moment we had together just to imagine it ending differently”. Chanyeol said this kneeling down in front of Baekhyun, avoiding the strong gaze of the other and placing his hands on his own thighs to keep them from shaking.

“How do you imagine it ends?” Baekhyun asked restraining himself from touching the other males chin and bringing it up to meet his eyes.

Baekhyun could see a slight smirk form on Chanyeol’s down casted face. “I imagine us together…eating breakfast every morning…painting each other…singing karaoke late at night…” Chanyeol paused for a moment to check Baekhyun’s reaction. Eye contact, smiling…we’re still good. Chanyeol attempted to place his hand on Baekhyun’s, but as he lifted his own the shaking was too embarrassing for him to follow through. Damn it anxiety!

“Are you shaking Yeol?” Baekhyun reached his hands over Chanyeol’s as if asking for permission before they touched. Chanyeol nodded to him and flipped his palms up to invite the other to him. When their hands finally touched…gently as it was…Chanyeol felt the usual nausea setting in. He forced himself not to move, however, relishing the soft skin of Baekhyun’s hands and his thoughtful eyes.

“I imagine us dating…going to places YOU like…drinking together because we screw professionalism…and going back to my place to…” Chanyeol couldn’t finish his sentence. The nausea was getting worse and it was all he could do to swallow down the impending bile that threatened to escape.

Baekhyun noticed the paling in the other’s face and on instinct moved his hands to the cup Chanyeol’s checks. It had been years since someone had gotten this close to Chanyeol…and every time prior it had ended the same way…in vomiting…in pain…in tears…this time was no different.

Chanyeol broke free from Baekhyun’s grasp and raced to the nearby toilet, where he emptied the contents of his stomach. Baekhyun attempted to get up and help, but Chanyeol quickly waved him off. “You’ll only make it worse”

“That is the second time you’ve told me that tonight. I don’t mean to pry, but I’m concerned about your health…and if I can’t help you…should I call someone? Do you need a doctor?” Baekhyun said this so tenderly with worry easily detectable in his voice. Chanyeol was reminded why he never wanted to get him involved in the first place…he had already caused him too much trouble.

The two remained silent as Chanyeol regained control of his gage reflex and wiped off his mouth. He was absolutely mortified…of course countless others had seen him throw up…but this was Baekhyun. As much as he wanted to come clean…as much as he wanted to explain himself…there was a part of him that screamed to hold back. Baekhyun will reject me. Telling him will only cause more harm. I don’t deserve him…I don’t deserve anyone…I’m sick…I’m dirty…I’m…

“Beautiful”. Chanyeol heard a small whisper behind him breaking his train of thought. He looked back to see Baekhyun’s cheeks turning red. “I’m sorry but…you’re beautiful, even like this”.

Chanyeol laughed to himself changing the mood in the room. “Baek, I have vomit dripping from my chin and you’re calling me beautiful?”

“I know you think that this vulnerability makes you weak…that is makes you undesirable…but you’re wrong. When I see you like this…honest…real…without any type of professional front…I get to see your scars…your bruises…your strength. That’s what I think is beautiful”.

Chanyeol couldn’t believe what he was hearing. For years he had dreamt of the perfect man. Who would take on his challenges as his own. Who would love him even with his faults and be willing to put in the effort to change them. He had concluded in the passing time that this person could never exist…but here he was…standing right in front of him. Was he really going to let this person pass by?

“Baek…I have something to tell you”. Baekhyun nodded sitting down next to him on the floor. “I’m a complicated person…this used to happen to me a lot”. Chanyeol took a deep breath and faced Baekhyun closing his eyes so he could clearly recount his past. “I think I was about twelve when I realized I was gay. At the time, I was enrolled in my first art class in middle school and we were given an assignment to paint one of our dreams. I was of course going through puberty at the time and my dreams mainly consisted of men doing inappropriate things to each other…and to me. I tried to will myself into dreaming other things, but each night, I remained unsuccessful. The night before my painting was due, I gave up on dreaming something new and just went with what I saw. I painted a man on a horse...it was actually quite regale”. Chanyeol laughed a bit to himself.

“I actually received an overwhelmingly positive response from my teacher, who submitted my painting into a variety of contests throughout the country. No matter how many awards I won, however, my parents never even acknowledged my painting. They thought it was strange and as I created more and more paintings of men, they began to figure out my secret. It was the night before my first day of high school when they sat me down in the living room after dinner. They told me that as I embarked on this new journey of higher education…I had to be sure of who I was. I told them that there was no doubting how confident I was in myself and how art had lead me to finding who I truly was. Of course these comments were quickly shot down as my father yelled at me, ‘Your identity doesn’t include being gay’. I didn’t know what to say after that and all my fears of rejection come boiling to the surface as I cried openly in front of them”.

Chanyeol looked physically pained as he finished the next part of the story and Baekhyun almost thought about stopping him. “As I cried…my dad come over to me…I thought he might hug me…I thought he might try on comfort me…but instead…” Chanyeol started to choke a bit on his words, fighting so hard the tears that threatened to fall. “He brought our his cane and wacked me on my back…once..twice..three times. Then he ask me if I still thought I was gay. I told him, through my broken sobs, that I knew I was still gay and that I would always be gay. Clearly that wasn’t the answer he was looking for so the hitting continued for another couple minutes. I remember my mother sitting there too…only feet away from me…but letting my father punish me from something I couldn’t control”.

“The night ended soon enough and even my bruises healed in due time, but the emotional damage that they inflicted could never be reversed. The only thing that I wanted to do in life was please my parents…and I had failed. That’s why the summer after my Freshman year of high school, I agreed to see a therapist upon my parents request. My therapist wasn’t very conventional…in fact he specialized in aversion therapy. What that means in my case, is that during our sessions, he trained me to become averse to the male body. He would show me ographic images or videos and give me Ipecac to induce vomiting. The goal of this process was to create a negative reaction when I did anything relating to homouality…and it worked. But the problem was that I was never trained to have a positive reaction to heterouality. It was torture continuing in high school. I was still completely turned off by the female population and although I tried to pursue relationships with a few women, I could never fully commit myself to them...because I was simply uninterested. Additionally, any time I was around a male I found remotely attractive…I would violently throw up. As you can imagine…my reputation in high school wasn’t the best. That’s why at the age of sixteen, I ran away from home and started making a living for myself as a painter. After I left…my parents never looked for me…never tried to find me. I become legally emancipated and lived as an apprentice to another famous painter. He had me paint loads of different things, for exposure and to gage my skill. Once he saw how I painted the male form, he knew that was my niche. So I started painting men again and it became my way of being close to them…because the physicality simply couldn’t be there anymore…I had been conditioned to resist it. I ended back at this place when my parents passed away last year in a car accident. The bank handed me all of their possessions and savings…I was surprised even to be included at all in their will, let alone be given everything”. Chanyeol stopped to take a breath, realizing he had been speaking without any breaks for a good ten minutes. He figured Baekhyun had fallen asleep at this point, but to his surprise the man was sitting attentively, his big doe eyes still locked onto Chanyeol’s.

“Chanyeol…I…”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload so much on you…I just meant to explain the who throw-up thing…because I know it’s really strange…and I’m sure my story didn’t make it any better…but I just really like you…”

Chanyeol was suddenly talking really fast and Baekhyun just wanted to get a word in, so he pressed his index finger into the other’s lips, successful silencing him. “Shut up Chanyeol…I like you too”. 

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for giving me feedback in the comments! I'm sure by now you can see that I revealed a lot in this chapter, but not to worry, there will be more to come! I'm going to try not to drag out things too much, but I do want to develop Chanyeol and Baekhyun's relationship a bit more before I throw in some . As you have read in this chapter...it's going to take a bit of practice to get Chanyeol to perform like he needs to, so expect some build up for that. I hope you all enjoy this update and as always I look forward to reading your comments!