Sakura Girl

When you stepped out onto the stage for the first time, an eruption of cheers and applause met your ears  and you felt a touching rush of warmth at the encouraging reception. These were people who had been anticipating your debut for the past two weeks. They had watched your teaser, and through advertising through FNC and the added celebrity endorsement that working with YongHwa and MinHyuk had become, these elements together had brought you a sea of potential fans that were already willing to love you. You just hoped you didn’t disappoint their already positive yet half formed preconceptions. The pressure was on now, but at the reception you felt a bout of confidence lifting you up. And although at first it seemed terrifying to look the crowd directly in the eye, accepting that all of these people were about to hear you sing, and watch you perform for the very first time in your life, seeing their excited faces and hearing the roar that they put forth for you was enough to warm the cockerels of your heart – or loosen the vocal chords in your throat and fire up your fingertips.

You walked with MinHyuk to the centre of the stage where your guitar was waiting for you in its stand. It seemed alien, far away and slightly foreboding as if it wasn’t the same guitar that you had used to practice with all morning, but a strange instrument that you did not recognise and could have belonged to someone else; even if you were borrowing it you did not have the right to use it. It dared you to pick it up. Prove yourself. You at your teeth as you approached it, you knew you could do it. All thoughts of YongHwa now were officially pushed out of your mind the minute the lights shone on you. MinHyuk guided you to your chair and sat on the one beside you, he offered you the same sweet encouraging smile he had kept for you every other time you looked to him for his support.

Girls in the crowd cooed at the exchange between the two of you and you smiled out towards them as you picked up your guitar and lay it across your lap. Now that you felt it in your hands, in its rightful place, it felt natural again. It wasn’t that alien instrument that had watched you approach it from the other side of the stage, tonight it was your instrument. It was the one and only instrument that had the honour of seeing you through your very first live performance to an audience over half a dozen people, but rather to hundreds. You took in a deep breath as you noticed the cameras and corrected yourself. How could you forget? Those cameras made the audience over thousands… perhaps millions.  Feeling yourself falter at this thought you pushed it back out of your head as you didn’t need to be thinking like that right now. You couldn’t work through your breaths now under all those eyes watching you, so you settled for pushing it down by swallowing hard but subtly so that it was less noticeable.

Just as you did in your dress rehearsal you greeted the audience, holding your microphone delicately in your hand and thanked everyone for being so warm and welcoming.In your introduction you admitted that this is your first performance of this song and you hoped everyone enjoyed it. Just as had been advised by the staff and the company, you did not venture into admitting it was your first ever performance of all time. The audience didn’t need to know that in case it instilled some doubt in their minds about your performing abilities and experience as a musician. You then passed the microphone to MinHyuk, forgetting that he had a microphone of his own and he gave you a surprised look and waved his own microphone at you with a patient smile. The crowd laughed and you felt yourself blushing. You bowed apologetically and smiled. MinHyuk eased your embarrassment and leaned in to use your microphone you had offered to him anyway. More delighted coos whispered through the audience as MinHyuk in turn greeted the audience and home viewers, he then went on to further the brief introduction to the song as you held the microphone awkwardly for him.

Then with that the performance went smoothly from there and aside from the millions of eyes on you, which you temporarily forgot about once you got lost in your songs, it felt just like any other practice session. The only difference was that extra pressure not to make any mistakes and that the room was a lot hotter than any of the rooms you had practiced in, what with all the people, the adrenalin running through your veins, and the impossibly bright lights shining down on the pair of you. Even then, you relaxed into the music and even began enjoying the experience. So this is what it really felt like. Maybe you could get used to this.

…………………………………………………………………………….

At the end of the concert everyone was rushing to congratulate you. Many of the artists who had wished you luck earlier sought you out and praised your talents, telling you that you were amazing on the guitar and your voice gave them chills. Many of them commented that you and MinHyuk made a perfect harmony together and you should go on to release more songs together. However most of the praise seemed to be about your individual song. In that song more of your rocky feel came through, it was all your own vocals and guitar skill, and people found it refreshing and lively. Someone told you that you had a very y smoky kind of voice and you whirled around thinking it was YongHwa with those words but it was just another celebrity and you smiled and bowed politely and gratefully. Before CN BLUE were able to reach you, you were lost in a tussle over you and then pushed into the van of another group who seemed to win the battle over you. With this enthusiastic group, which just so happened to be a boy group you did not know very well but who were all terribly good-looking, you settled in the back of the van as they all gazed wonderingly at you with some awkward small talk and this way you went with them to your debut party. At some point you seemed to lose MinHyuk in the good-hearted scramble over who got to you, but you assumed he would find his way easily back to the rest of his band and travel with them as he always did.

At the debut party you were just as if not more popular with the other artists and celebrities. Everywhere you turned someone new was patting you on the back, touching your arm, trying to get your attention so that they could shower you with compliments. Most of these people had never even noticed you before your debut, but now it seemed everyone wanted to get to know you. Especially the young male artists and even a few actors who seemed to find themselves at your debut party. Every time you put down your glass someone would offer to get you a new drink, and when you seemed set for drinks then you seemed to have to find multiple excuses in turning all the young men down who kept coming to you and asking to dance with you. Thankfully your manager sought you out and the fanfare died down so you could have a decent conversation with him and settle yourself down again. You were soon joined by CN BLUE's manager and the boys following closely behind. Your face broke into a huge grin as the boys each in turn congratulated you on your performance, these were compliments that actually meant something to you. Not empty comments and praise put to you by strangers.

"Yah noona you were the best!" JungShin exclaimed, shaking both your hands in his.

"Yah, Shin-ah calm down," JongHyun detached JungShin from your wrists so he would stop shaking them so enthusiastically. "_________'s head is probably swimming right now. She's so popular all of a sudden, give her some space!"

"It was so cute when you gave me your microphone," chuckled MinHyuk, putting a hand on your shoulder. "Did you hear everyone in the audience? Ah so cute."

YongHwa flicked his eyebrows at MinHyuk so his donsaeng quickly removed his hand from your shoulder and smiled awkwardly. YongHwa then pointedly looked back towards you, there was something in his eyes when he said, "You should be very proud of that performance, __________. In fact I would-"

"Yah _________! There you are!" HonKi pushed his way into your circle with CN BLUE and the two managers. He greeted everyone cheerfully and then when  his eyes landed excitedly on you once more, he reached forward and grabbed you by the arm. In surprise you let out a yelp and found yourself being dragged along with him, spluttering your protests. You found yourself joining a new circle of people on the dance floor, and you recognised them as FT ISLAND and some other artists who had been congratulating you earlier. Everyone reached out to you, all talking at once, more drinks were pushed at you and you were starting to feel lightheaded all over again. All you could see were the teeth of people laughing and the glasses they were holding out to you, swirling around you as each person pulled you to face them, around and around again. You felt yourself spinning back around in another direction for what seemed like the hundredth time, but this time a hand reached out to steady you from behind.

"She's not some attraction for everyone to have a look at and have a feel," snapped a voice from behind you, two hands resting on your shoulders, holding you in place. You tried to turn around to look around at who was holding you, but the grip only tightened and held you firm so you had to remain facing straight ahead. No matter, you knew who it was. If the voice you knew so well belonged to these hands that were holding you, and you were certain it did. "You can stop pushing and pulling her around like a rag-doll now. She's one of us, what's all the fuss?"

HonKi was looking at the person behind you with wide eyes. His face then unexpectedly broke into a cheeky smile. "Yah, YongHwa-ah! You're just being like that because you want her all to yourself!"

Everyone else in the group looked from HonKi, to you, to YongHwa holding onto you. They looked curious and confused, HonKi's words and the way YongHwa was gripping you so intently peaking their interest. You heard YongHwa clear his throat, and he removed his hands from your shoulders. They had been so warm when they had rested there, now at their sudden departure you felt instantly cold there instead. You rubbed at your shoulders to warm them up again, but it looked like you were dusting off where YongHwa's hands had been. Your rubbing faltered when all eyes rested quizzically on you. People were reading into things too much, you thought in annoyance.

"I just felt sorry for her," YongHwa muttered. "Watching you guys have a tug of war with her. This is her debut party, give her some space, neh?" He stepped away from you to steal HonKi's drink.

"Yah! What are you-?" HonKi began to exclaim when YongHwa grabbed at his glass. He quietened as YongHwa bent his head to take a sip from his drink and smack his lips together, thinking about the taste. "Do you like it? It's a Mojito. I'm growing really fond of them," said HonKi, sipping at his drink after YongHwa and looking at his friend with doe eyes. You marvelled at how quickly the mood had changed. It almost gave you whiplash. Yet that was a feeling you often got when you were around YongHwa.

"Mm, it's really good. Quite refreshing," commented YongHwa, nodding at HonKi.

HonKi nodded back at YongHwa, "Mm, you're right. It is a refreshing drink. I think it's the mint."

"The mint is definitely what makes it refreshing," agreed YongHwa. He leant in for another taste and HonKi held the glass up for him. "I imagine tropical island beaches when I drink this. What was it called again?"

"It's a Mojito." HonKi swilled his glass so the mint leaves danced around in the icy liquid. "Nngh, it is quite tropical. It even looks tropical. I think you can get different coloured ones."

YongHwa shook his head, "Ani, stick to the green. Green is the best colour, it adds to the freshness."

You and everyone else in the group were watching the two boys with open mouths. Neither of the idols appeared to notice, they continued tasting the drink and trading comments about it as if the cocktail was truly fascinating.

"Erm, you guys do realise you are acting like total girls right now, right?" said one of the FT ISLAND members, sounding bemused.

Both HonKi and YongHwa looked up quizzically, holding the drink together. The straw slipped from YongHwa's lips and you stifled a giggle at how funny he looked, sharing a cocktail with HonKi like that, all the guys that were watching them looking horrified.

"Moh? What did you say?" YongHwa's eyes shot down at the glass and then at HonKi. He noticed his fingers enclosed around HonKi's over the glass and quickly withdrew his hand, jaw clenched and looking uncomfortable.

HonKi seemed unperturbed at how they looked together. "How are we being like girls? This is as much a man's drink as it is any other girl's drink!"

"Any other girl, HonKi?" quipped his band mate. The boys sniggered, so did you. "Are you saying you're one of the girls now?"

"How can I be? I just said it's a man's drink!" HonKi huffed. He bit down on his straw and at it angrily. The rest of the Mojito disappeared within seconds. Everyone marvelled at how fast he was drinking it suddenly. By the end, his hand flew to his temple as if he'd been hit. "Argh! Brain freeze!"

YongHwa reached out for the drink incredulously. He tapped the empty glass over his tongue and whirled around crossly on HonKi. "Yah! You're just going to drink it all just like that? What about me?"

"Get your own Mojito, Yong-ah!" gasped HonKi, still clutching his head. "That was mine!"

YongHwa let out a hiss of playful frustration as everyone laughed at him and HonKi. You watched YongHwa quietly as he laughed along with them, his face breaking into that irresistible smile, those teeth, his eyes crinkling with mirth, his cheeks pinched into white dumplings you so wanted to pinch. Man, you had missed him so much. Being this close to him, watching him joke around, seeing him laugh and smile made you want to run into his arms right now and squeeze him as much as you felt your love for him boiling inside you. But you knew you couldn't do that... Even if not for the many prying eyes that would be watching and judging, even if it were just you and him. He would never let you touch him that way again...

Then you realised for the first time all night, you were able to sit back quietly and hear your own thoughts. Nobody was fussing over you, hassling you, demanding you come and join them, demanding you come and drink or come and dance. All the attention was focused on YongHwa and HonKi, completely transferred so easily back to the boys who liked to be the centre of attention. You wondered if this was intentional by YongHwa or if it just happened that way. As he held the attention of the group you slipped away without anyone noticing and went about the place at your own leisure, looking around at the bar, at the dance floor, at the different clicks that seemed to be sitting with each other. However it wasn't long before someone else grabbed you by the arm and pulled you onto the dance floor, and then there was no way of getting out of the long line of people waiting to have their turn dancing and chatting with you.

Oh, it was just one of those nights. There was no denying your popularity now, it was only going to get worse from here. There would be no time for respite. But you had hoped there would at least be a gradual build up. Nope, no such thing. You had performed on stage, done your debut and boom, now you were the centre of the spotlight whether you enjoyed it or not. Best to keep your nose clean from here on in. You had to stay in the game long enough to fulfil your role. So you went along with your role tonight as the budding charming starlet that everyone seemed to adore. You played up to their perceptions of you, and began having fun with it all. The more you eased into this role, the more natural it became, and the less demanding people were becoming of you, allowing you to make up your own mind and movements at your party like it should always have been. You realised that as soon as you accepted your part in all of this, to be more assertive, be more social and brave about it, the more people made way for you rather than crowded you.

So the night became a lot of fun, you met many new acquaintances and potential friends, and danced with so many different artists you lost count, forgetting names and their relating groups or bands. Perhaps it was just the alcohol getting to you, having been offered so many different types of drinks every time you were caught without them. You weren't getting drunk, you were still in control. Well you still believed you were anyway. All the while you kept hoping you would bump into YongHwa again. You wished he was in the line up to dance with you. But since he had rescued you from HonKi's demanding circle, you hadn't been able to spot him after that. You thought you had seen him standing alone under the flashing lights, just watching you from afar. But by that stage you had probably had more drinks than you had cared to admit, and you were beyond caring what was going on around you.

Whether it was him or not, you made your way over and reached out for his hand. He took it without hesitating, and lead you to the dance floor. Those actions alone told you it couldn't really have been YongHwa. He wouldn't accept you so easily, you must have been seeing things. And so you danced with whoever it was for quite a long time, this faceless stranger. You rested your head on his shoulder and the music turned slow so you were all but falling asleep whilst he moved you around under the disco lights and through the swirling mist of the smoke machines. He disappeared like a puff of smoke along with the mist at your feet, and you were left dumbfoundedly standing at the bar for some time trying to work out whether you had just been dancing or if you had momentarily fallen asleep and just dreamed you had. Before you knew it you were whisked away to another few clubs and it was early morning that you found yourself making your way sluggishly back to your apartment in a private car that had been called just for you though you weren't sure how, why, or by who. You were just glad to finally be coming home.

The next day you awoke in the late afternoon to find five missed calls from YongHwa. You frowned at your phone for a moment, still getting your eye muscles to wake up properly as they unfocused and refocused on your phone screen. When you were sure it was definitely YongHwa that had been calling you, you blinked stupidly and your heart rate picked up of its own accord, causing you to fall back into your pillows and groan with the shock that had come so close to your just waking up. You took a deep breath and resolved to clean yourself up and wake up a bit more so you sounded fresher and more lively on the phone rather than exhausted and croaky. So you dialled his number after washing your face and having a quick coffee. As the phone rang you brushed your hair out of your face self consciously even though you knew he couldn't see you, and you tried to ignore the pounding in your chest that was getting heavier and heavier as you waited for him to pick up.

"Yobsayo." YongHwa's smooth voice. It left you breathless, even just that one phrase. You were really getting withdrawals, weren't you? Get a hold of yourself!

"YongHwa, have you been calling me?" you said, forcing some confidence into your voice that wasn't really there so you had to create it out of thin air. It was just as weak and tangible as the air too.

"Ah, neh..." YongHwa cleared his throat. He paused for a moment as you heard some crackling and shifting, then something that sounded like a door closing. "What is your answer?"

You frowned at your wall, your mind blank. "Eh? Answer?"

"Unh. From last night..."

Your wall wasn't giving you any clues. "What about last night?"

YongHwa was quiet. "The flower message."

"Moh?" You racked your brain for what he might be talking about.

YongHwa paused for an even longer time. It made you worried that you didn't know what he was talking about and he was clearly getting agitated by it. His silence was deafening. "You didn't read it," he stated, his voice flat.

"Read what?" you asked, your voice rising in panic.

YongHwa sighed. "Forget it, that just tells me everything I need to know."

"Wait, YongHwa I-"

"I'll be hanging up now." And true to his word, he hung up.

You stared at the wall in accusation, as if everything was the wall's fault. Then you looked down at your phone furiously and tried dialling YongHwa back but it rang out, you tried again and again and then no more calls would go through and it appeared YongHwa had switched off his phone. Angrily you threw the phone at the end of your bed and fell backwards onto your sheets in defeat. What was he talking about? What flower message? You close your eyes, your brow creased in concentration, retracing the night's events one by one. Suddenly your eyes flew open. YongHwa's token! Was that the flower message he was talking about? Now you recalled how it had felt in your hand before you had lost it. It felt waxy and delicate, like flower petals. Some part of it was spiky but still soft... like the middle of a flower. Your mouth popped open and you sat up quickly. You had to get to the performance hall and see if you could find it before everything was cleaned out. It may already be too late... but you had to try.

So with that one and only urgent thought in mind, you threw on some clothes, forgetting all about your hair and face, and almost ran out the door in your slippers. Quickly running back to change into a decent pair of shoes, you took off again and hailed a taxi from the main road where many often passed by. It was mere seconds for one of the many cabs trailing the road to spot you, pull over and have you leap like a gazelle into the back seat. After a short journey in the taxi you paid the cab driver and walked briskly into the same building you had made your first performance within only last night. It felt strange coming back here again, after associating it with all those nerves of yesterday. Today it was just another ordinary building, it was grand, it was big, but it was still just any other building that lined these busy Seoul streets. However you had a new wave of anxiety at the pit of your stomach today, something completely different, which propelled you towards the large double entrance at the front of the building. You hoped to God the cleaners hadn't taken YongHwa's token away. What were the chances of it still being here? Would someone have bothered to pick it up and set it aside? You didn't even know what it looked like... It was a flower...

All you had to do was look for a flower... If you couldn't find a flower then ask about it! Flower... Flower.... You walked into the main entrance, flowers on your brain, and were instantly met with dozens and dozens of different types of flowers. There were floral displays in every direction, at the reception desk, beside the lifts, at the entrance, down the hall, on either side of the hall entrance and what seemed like on either side of every other door! Orchids, lilies, roses, iris, pansies, gerberas, begonias, agapanthus, and any other flower you could think of in the space of those few seconds your mind was whirling about flowers. You stood in the middle of the entrance, staring around you incredulously. Why were there so many god damn flowers? How were you going to find one special flower, in this sea of flowers, if you didn't even know what it looked like in the first place?!

"Annyeonghaseo, mo deri gayo?" (Can I help you?)

Your eyes landed on the only other person in the room, the small and smartly dressed receptionist. "Ah, annyeonghaseo," you performed a slight bow out of politeness. "I am looking for... a flower..." you tailed off, feeling instantly ridiculous and cursing yourself in your head.

"Ah, did you lose something?" came the quietly spoken answer of the receptionist.

Your eyes lit up. "Neh! Have you seen something?" You came forward to the desk immediately, relief flooding through you.

"Mianheyo..." replied the receptionist. "Nothing has been turned in. What did it look like?"

Uhhh... you bit your lip. You had no idea how to answer that question, having never seen it, only felt it in your hand. You couldn't describe how it felt... Could you? "It was... kind of small and... it had a spiky middle, lots of petals..."

The receptionist listened to you with a glazed look over her face. "Ah... neh..." She smiled politely. "Mianheyo... Nothing of the sort has come through. Was it a real or fake flower? Was there anything special about it that can help identify it? I could tell someone to keep an eye out for it."

You put your hands on the desk hopefully. "Ah, neh! It was special! It was a message flower!"

"A message flower?"

You frowned. You weren't too sure what that was either, but you hoped someone else would know. Maybe it was a Korean thing... Now judging by her reaction you supposed not. "It had a message... inside it?" you ventured, posing your statement as a question.

The receptionist looked apologetic. "Mianheyo, sorry I don't know of it. Gurom, we will look out for your special flower." She wrote down a description on a notepad and looked back up at you, leaning in slightly, regarding you then. "Ah, excuse me but... Were you by any chance performing here last night?"

You pulled back immediately and moved to cover your face with your hair. You couldn't be recognised like this! "Aniyo! I have never been here before!" and with that utterly stupid declaration that was quite obviously a lie, you realised in embarrassment very shortly after, you flew from the reception up the hallway where you knew to find the performance hall. You heard her calling after you, realising you probably weren't actually allowed to explore the venue as an outsider, however you were too ashamed of your stupid little lie to come back out. So you dived into the hall that was now plunged into darkness and made a beeline for the backstage area where you knew you had held YongHwa's mysterious flower token for the first and last time before so tragically losing it. Pulling aside the dark black curtain you wandered inside, and when you made to run up the very same steps you had shakily walked up last night, you collided with something hard and with a lot of hair. It also screamed.

"Yah! Watch where you're going!" came a shrill cry that made your blood run cold. It was the voice of Clara-B.

_________________________________________________________________________________

YONGHWA P.O.V.

"Aish!" YongHwa threw his phone at the back of his door so it clanged against the wood and bounced dejectedly into the corner of his room. He hoped it was broken so he didn't have to keep checking his phone for messages or calls off you anymore. He was sick of checking his phone, sick of waiting for it to buzz or ring, and whenever it did it was never you. When you finally did call you had disappointed him. Did he really mean that little to you? He fell back onto his bed with a mighty harrumph.

"Hyuuunnnng! Are you okay in there?" called one of his ever persistent donsaengs.

"Neh." He managed.

"Come on, it's time to go! Where's your luggage? Manager Kim says we're just waiting on yours!"

"Neh."

"What kind of leader are you? Get your out here before we leave without you!"

YongHwa let out a forced breath, letting out some of his anger, attempting to calm the booming and thudding inside his chest. He grabbed aggressively at his bag, and grabbed even more aggressively at his phone from the floor. It flew out of his hand again at his heavy handedness and clattered against his desk. "Aishhhhhh!" he scooped it up again, his blood about to boil out of his pores. He had thought everything was going to be okay after last night. So you hadn't displayed his token at the concert. Okay, he was willing to overlook that. Like it wasn't enough he was giving you the benefit of the doubt about HanJu already. Then you didn't even show that you acknowledged his feelings. Well, okay. He was a big man, be wasn't going to hold that against you. Then at the club you had totally snubbed him. He was livid by that stage, watching you from afar. But then... you came towards him and took his hand. It was then that he thought everything was going to be alright. Holding you close while the two of you danced slowly under the romantic lighting. So what if they were disco lights, it was still romantic to him! But now, after that phone call. Now he was brought back to reality. You were just drunk. You couldn't even remember his token, whether or not you had even bothered to open it. You were just trampling on his heart now, he couldn't take it. It was too painful. Thank God he could get away from all this for a few days...

"Ah! YongHwa-ah, finally." JongHyun clapped his friend on the back as the other two bustled out the door hurriedly at the sight of their leader. He swung a backpack over his shoulder with a grin and called out to all of them. "Look out Japan, here we come!"

YongHwa returned the grin as best he could and marched out of the dorm with his band mates. He let his anger and frustration run from his chest to the veins in his arms that were hoisting the heavy baggage. There, if only he could keep all his emotions spilling out into physical energy the entire time he would be away. He should be able to deal with you better when he got back. Yes, he would think of something suitable indeed.

End Chapter Eighteen