Chapter 12

Jaejoong was still as she gazed at the rain out the window of her personal office. Since she held an executive position alongside Yoochun who was the president she had her own office besides a studio to work on her music. Since Changmin’s birthday there was only one thing plaguing her mind- Jung Yunho.

Sure she held feelings for him, but they weren’t so strong to make up for the pain. She battled depression for 10 years and just when she was beginning to win over it; it came back with full force of a bullet train and left her a mess. Until Changmin was about 5, she had spent her nights drowning herself in tears and occasionally she even prayed that Yunho would walk in through that bedroom door, embrace her and tell her everything would be okay. She wished that he would tell her he loves her but that’s all it was, wishful thinking.

When Changmin was getting over his social disorder, she began thinking, not emotionally but rationally and when she did, she found herself not thinking about the pain and crying less as time passed. She concluded that she had fallen for Yunho when he only saw her as a friend, she masochistically helped him repair his relationship with Ara, she succumbed to her heart when Yunho came knocking that night she conceived Changmin, she foolishly thought that they were an unsaid couple while Yunho had not settled his own feelings, she didn’t blame him at first when Yunho returned to the comfort of a familiar relationship and forgot about his friend, but when she discovered she was pregnant, she felt unwanted. What else could she feel? Jaejoong was still learning new things through her returned eyesight and suddenly the responsibility of a child was thrown at her and she was finding it difficult to cope mentally. The only thought she had at the time was if she could make her son happy.

Time and again, that question would still come up.

When 2 year old Changmin found Yunho’s photograph and kept chanting ‘Appa’ while patting on the Polaroid.

When he began school and shut off his voice.

When he refused to celebrate Father’s Day at school even though Yoochun wanted to come.

The ultimate blow was, 3 days ago when she discovered that her son was meeting his father and she was pitted to face her demon.

She was standing in front of the man who gave her so much pain.

She once imagined meeting him and the scene went as her being the bigger person and forgiving him and they have an amicable agreement over Changmin’s custody. But that was just her fantasy of being a strong, independent woman.

Changmin had sought Yunho and that made her feel like an unwanted failure again.

Yesterday, she told Jung Eunhye that Yunho was on probation. The old lady accepted that tentatively. The Jungs were more preoccupied over the latest addition-10 year old Changmin and possibly Jaejoong, although they all made it pretty clear that they know Yunho is in the wrong and Jaejoong had every right to sentence him to a Changmin-less life.

Changmin hasn’t said anything, just taking his time to revel in the extended family.

Yunho was apologetic but didn’t say it out loud. But one could see the guilt written all over his face and the plea for allowing him to right his wrongs in his eyes.

So now everything boils down to her.

Jaejoong was brought back to the real world by a knock on the door. She turned to the double doors to see a head peek in.

“your shiny forehead is like the sun in this rain.”

“if you said something like that, means you’re not that far gone.” Yoochun walked inside and stood in front of her. “haven’t seen you at all. Junsu’s really worried, you know? Did something happen yesterday?”

“not really. It was good and I hate it.” when Yoochun raised an eyebrow in question, she continued, “I had this bratty mood to try and pick some fault with them but I couldn’t. They are amazing and Changmin loves them, they love him and Jihye said she would go lesbian for me.”

“then I guess Yunho is the black sheep?”

Jaejoong nodded, “his own mother said it out loud during charades. She pointed at Yunho and his father screamed black sheep. Cute couple if you ask me.”

“now?”

“I don’t know.” Jaejoong slumped in her chair more than she already was, “I want to punch and kick that bastard and bury him alive for making me feel so insecure. But there’s a small part of my heart that is still the same from 10 years ago.”

“I know that feeling. It’s funny how that small part overpowers the whole of the hatred in your heart. They aren’t kidding when they say that love is a powerful emotion.” Jaejoong’s face softened at his words. He knew what to say and how to say it, that’s what made his music so good. Yoochun was always able to simplify her complicated emotions. Yoochun crouched down on a knee and took her hand in his, “Jaejoong-ah, all these years you’ve never thought of yourself. First you put your feelings aside to help Yunho with his girlfriend, and then you’re constantly trying to be a father and mother to Changmin. Heck, when Changmin was a baby and Vick was sick, you chose to put him out so he won’t suffer despite him being your biggest companion. Just be selfish for once. Think about yourself too when you take a decision. I’m sure Changmin won’t make you a criminal if you chose to think of yourself once. Wasn’t it Changmin who once said ‘Umma needs to think of herself more’? If you chose to reconcile with that …” Jaejoong was startled at Yoochun’s choice of words because it was so sudden, “don’t look at me like that, I just have no other words to describe him! Anyway, if you choose the reconciliation path or take Changmin and go incognito, you have Junsu and my full support…oh and Taemin’s too.”  

“even if want to give in to my feelings?” Jaejoong asked softly.

“even then, but I’ll break his jaw first then you can have him.” Yoochun joked.

“what if I want to break his jaw first?”

“then I’ll cheer you on in a mini skirt and wave pom-poms.”

“and if I tell him I don’t want to see his face again?”

“then I’ll need advance notice so Suie and I can pack our bags and I’ll book our tickets too. How does Paris sound?”

“did I ever say how much I love you guys?”

“you have but I never get tired of it.” they both giggled and Yoochun hugged her, “just stay strong okay? And come out of your exile! Changmin’s been trying to call you for an hour. Why did you turn off your phone?”

“I wanted to mope in silence.” Jaejoong said matter-of-factly but Yoochun could sense she was jesting, that meant she was fine for now. Jaejoong her phone and found 5 messages.

“don’t bother reading all of them. It’s just Changmin saying that he and Yunho are coming over after school.” Yoochun told her. He walked to the door with her, “they’ll be here soon and I suggest you resolve stuff now because it’s eating you inside. If anything happens, I’ll be in the studio.” And Yoochun left the office. When he left, Jaejoong shut the door and leaned with her back on it.

She stayed in that position for about 5 minutes when the door flew open and Jaejoong was pushed forward that she stumbled towards her desk. Thankfully she was able to stop from face planting into her very hard desk by putting her arms forward and breaking her fall.

“Changmin do you like hitting your parents with doors!” a deep voice sounded along with a familiar child’s voice.

“Sorry Umma!” Changmin ran to his mother and hugged her.

“how was school baby?” Jaejoong asked hugging her son back.

“Great, Appa came for lunch and we had turkey sandwich together.”

“so I you didn’t have the bulgogi I packed?”

“of course I did! You were the one who called me a food monster!” they mother and son giggled and Yunho watched fondly, “and Appa sat with me for the art contest preliminaries.”

“did you pass?” she asked Changmin but glanced at Yunho with mixed feelings. She was slightly miffed that Yunho could adapt to being a father so quickly. Like she said, she was being bratty and wanted to find faults with the man, but it also somehow made her heart flutter. Yunho nodded at Jaejoong’s question and the boy in her arms…

“of course I did! I’m awesome!” Changmin said and pulled up the collar of his uniform in mock-pride.

“yes you are baby! You know, as a reward you can have whatever you want from the cafeteria.” Jaejoong supressed an eye-roll when the boy’s face lit up at being given permission to hog, something Jaejoong controls to ensure her baby is healthy. “