THE PRESENT

Of course, Chanyeol thinks bitterly as he stares at the crumpled paper on his right palm. Of course, I’ll never going to get an A, he scowls, inhaling a deep breath as he desperately begs to the nonexistent god to not make him cry like a child.

He’s used to being called a disappointment, he has adapted to it. People make fun of him a lot for that, for being just ordinary and can’t do anything right. For not mastering anything, Chanyeol is used to it. He never takes any of the insults seriously though, not until now. He always thought that’s just the people are, that they are bound to make fun of any subject or object in their eyesight, and it just happens that Chanyeol is there and he’s the perfect target for the people to make fun of. But never, never in a million years he’d thought that, yes, they’re not just talking nonsense, that what they always say is true, that he is a big, big humiliation to his own school, to his own family and his own self.

He has ing tried, he stayed up late until midnight cramming all the s in the past term to prepare himself for the exams. He worked his off to remember the math equations, the formulas, the dates of Korea’s history that he knows will never be useful for his future, Chanyeol has put all of his energy for this ing examination just so that he could get an A on his certificate. But no, his midnight, dawn and twilight study sessions didn’t affect the outcome of his finals, the best ing grade that he’s got is B minus.

Chanyeol sighs as he closes his locker’s door,  “Hyung” Jongin’s voice breaks him out of his thought, “Hyung, it’s okay” his best friend says softly, and Chanyeol wants to slams his own head up against the doors made of metal at the pitiful looks that painted upon Jongin’s face. “You’ll be okay, you’ll still get in, Hyung”

“No, I won’t” Chanyeol whispers under his breath, he turns around to rests his head against the school’s locker “I’m a ing failure, no Universities want to accept a ing failure”

“You’re not” Jongin mutters “You’re not a failure. Look, grades don’t matter, Hyung. Just because we’re awful at math doesn’t guarantee that we’re a failure, okay?” he puts his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulders awkwardly attempting to soothe the almost-crying boy down, Jongin feels weird and awful at the same time. Over the past years, Park Chanyeol is always the strong one out of them two, Jongin looks up to the older boy so much. His best friend rarely ever cries, not even when he’s broke his arm after trying to save a ing kitten out of a gutter. Chanyeol always laughs every time someone makes fun of him, he’s never not happy, never not showing his teeth for smiling so wide. But now, the taller boy looks so defeated and devastated, as if he’s giving up, and Jongin doesn’t like that. This foolish and silly Hyung is his rock, his role model, Jongin needs his best friend to keep him human, he needs Chanyeol to reminds him that he has to be himself, to prevent him to becoming a robot like most idols do when their years as trainees are over and it’s time for them to approach the ruthless and exhausting industry called ‘entertainment’.

Chanyeol takes a shuddered breath and wipes the newly forming tears on the edges of his eyes, silently thanking god that the hallway is currently empty, he can’t bear another name calling from the other students. “It’s easy for you to say that, you’re about to become a ing idol”, he spats “You’re, you’re gonna be famous and I’m just” he lets out a weak, pathetic sob “I’m just gonna stay at my parents’ house and unemployed, hell, I’d be very lucky if they didn’t kick me out”

“I..” Jongin opens his mouth to speak, but stops when he realizes that he doesn’t know what to say to make it all better. “You could always stay at my house, though” he says stupidly after a moment of silence “You might be unemployed, Hyung, but you’d never be homeless”

The older boy chuckles bitterly, then the edge of his lips curls into a smile before a loud bark of laughter coming out of his mouth. Chanyeol is cackling so hard, with his head staring up at the ceiling, he keeps laughing until tears starting to fall from his eyes. For a moment, he looks like a lunatic “Oh my god” He gasps, shedding the tears away from his face. “I’m not going to be homeless” Chanyeols says “Not going to be homeless” he repeats, “That’s my ing future, kid”

Jongin merely smiles before he joins Chanyeol, laughing so loud, a few people who pass them give them a dirty look at the pair. “It’s not bad though, you won’t be lonely, Hyung”

“Thank you”

“And like, I’d provide you with foods and ”

“Awesome, kid” Chanyeol giggles, he ing giggles.

Jongin grins “I’ll introduce you to my future idol friends”

“The best” Chanyeol nods. Then he closes his mouth, before elbowing Jongin’s side. “Thanks, Jongin” he says, looking at his best friend as he smiles genuinely, any traces of sadness gone from his face “I feel less like , right now”

“Cheonma, Hyung”

~

 Chanyeol still feels like .

He has showed this parents the examination results (after they kept pressuring him to see how well their son has managed in the finals), it feels like the end of the world when his mother’s eyes fall a little in disappointment at his scores. Both his father and mother don’t react unpleasantly though, but Chanyeol also notices the way his Dad sighs as if he’s giving up on him, the way his Mum forces a straight smile on her beautiful face as she tries to act like she’s not bothered by the fact that Chanyeol barely gets a B, let alone an A.

With a broken heart, Chanyeol slumps his back and goes back to his room quietly.

He sits on the edge of his bed, he’s inhaling and exhaling heavily as he counts one..two…three repetitively to repress the tears to fall. Chanyeol covers his red and almost wet face with his gigantic hands, his fingers clutching on the raven hair on his scalps.

Pathetic, he thinks. You can’t do one single thing right.

“Oh God” Chanyeol breathes out and looks up at the ceiling. The dark wood-like roof makes a dizzying contrast against his ivory walls. He stares at the table by the large windows a half meter way from his bed, there’s a photo of him with his sister, Yura, looking stupid and perfectly happy. And in another corner, right in front of book with dark blue cover, the picture of him and Jongin lies. It’s taken on Chanyeol’s 16^th birthday, the first time he’s allowed to drive his uncle’s old motorcycle, both Jongin and him were wearing a humongous and childish looking party hat, and again, both of them looked very, very happy.

Chanyeol frowns for a moment, maybe he never says it out loud, but he is truly scared. He is terrified of the future, of how he will become, what kind of a person he’ll be? A trustworthy man? A hardworker employee? A loyal friend? Or will he just be an ordinary failure that he’s pretty much is right now?

But most of all though, he is frightened by the idea of Jongin abandoning him, neglecting Chanyeol once the kid is famous. Insecurities building up as he realizes that he is really not worth anyone’s time. Heck, Chanyeol pretty damn well doesn’t not wish to be acknowledged as Kim Jongin’s loser best friend.

The tall boy sighs as he gets up. Chanyeol takes off his day clothes and puts on a sweatpants, decide to oppose the idea of wearing a shirt because of the summer’s acute heat. He pads to the bathroom to take a piss and brush his teeth, once he is done, he goes back to his room. Just before he’s about to turn the lamp off, a glint dark blue catches his eyes. Chanyeol furrows his eyebrow as he stares at the book behind the frame of his and Jongin’s photograph.

Looking for Alaska, written by: John Green.  The letters of the big fonts on the cover of the book says.

Chanyeol digs his memory as he tries to think how on earth this novel can be in his room. The boy grabs the object and walks to his bed. Chanyeol rests his back onto the headboard with several pillows behind his back to make it comfortable. With a little interest, he opens the first page of the book, there’s the author’s dedication to his family, he then flicks to the next sheet, there’s a printed Before with capitalized font and a heart sign under the letter.

 He turns the book backwards, there’s a brief summary quoting a line- describing how amazing the girl’s character is, whose name turns out to be Alaska. It seems like the boy in the book, Miles Halter, is in love with this Alaska Young, a girl who is screwed up but yet fascinated the hell out of him.

It says that when the tragedy strikes, this Miles kid learns what are the value and the pain of living and loving unconditionally.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

It’s probably another crappy novel with clichéd romance in it, the boy assumes. Chanyeol puts the book onto the surface of his bed, right next to his left sides with the front cover upwards. He shifts his body so that he is now completely light on the bed. Before fatigues hit his whole boy, Chanyeol stares at the six words printed right at the center bottom of the book.

First friend. First girl. Last words.

~

Turns out, the book isn’t that much of a crap.

Okay, the book is freaking marvelous, but no one needs to know that Chanyeol loves to read a bloody girly novel, alright?

He doesn’t really care about the romance of the two main characters, but what intrigued him to no end is how a girl, as messed up as Alaska Young can bring out an alteration so big to a boy by simply being loved by him. It’s beautiful, the fact that there’s a person who screws up too much, but the end of her life, she still can manage to affect so many people who are close to her, she ing changes a mary-sue-d like boy to a grown man.

And Chanyeol wants to be like that, he wants affect at least one life, to help to bring them a change for the better. He wants no more than that, just being simple yet still can inspire the others. That way his life at least means something.

At least he’s worth a person’s time.

But that’s not low life goes apparently, despite the many things he’s done, the many efforts he’s put, nothing ever seems right. Everything just goes wrong and bites his in the end.

The deep voiced boy keeps the book inside his bag, he reads it every day when he’s in the train, use it to as a fan as he waits at the bus stop. Long story short the book is his most loyal companion, the one who’s there with him when Jongin or Jongdae are too busy with their trainings.

Exactly one day after his graduation, his Mum is busied by going to one University to another as she signs he son’s application to here and there. Chanyeol has to examine every classes and majors available in each institution and find the one that at least he can bare to spend the rest of his four years life with.

Domestic Economics, Public Economics, Accountings, Managements, Business, and the rest of the craps that Chanyeol can’t remember are being shoved up his face as his Mother forces him to choose one of those departments.

“Mum” Chanyel whines, objecting weakly. “Those aren’t my thing, I can’t learn those, I don’t want to.”

“Oh, hush you” Mrs. Park shrugs her son away. “You’re a kid, what do you know about these things”

“I know enough” Chanyeol grumbles, annoyed.  “I want to apply for that Art school, I want to play music, and work as a teacher or something”

“Son” The woman says as she looks at her child sternly. “Unless you’re an idol, in this country? You’re not going to make it as simply being a teacher.” Mrs. Park leans back against the glass table as she finishes filling the form, smiling politely at the administrator. “If you want to be big, you have to take this path”

Chanyeol sulks as his Mum walks out of the Office, he really want to protests and going against his Mother’s wishes, but he knows, with the weak results he’s got from the final examination. This must be some sort of punishment from his parents. So he doesn’t say anything to dissent his Mum’s decision. Not until she’s out of sight, Chanyeol mutters to himself. “But I don’t want to be big, I want to be mattered”

~

There’s a small park four blocks away from his house, it’s nice and quiet. With huge trees surrounding the edges, making them as if they’re fence made from leaves, branches and woods. On the middle, there’s a small pond, with the water as clear as crystal, filled with no fishes but Lotuses with colors in variant. Sometimes, the toddlers like to play by it in the hot summer days as their parents sit in the corner having a small picnic.

In the back corner of the park, there’s an empty spot filled with an old bench made of rotten metal. Two young males sit with snacks in their hands. The tall one is sulking with his mouth forms into a pout, his shorter friend’s face is drowned into a frown. None of them look particularly happy.

“This is literally the worst birthday ever.” The small boy announces. “I mean, thank you for the surprise party, Chanyeol. But seriously, I thought me being eighteen was the best thing that could ever happened to this Kim Jongdae” he points at his chest. “But, No. Kim Jongdae isn’t allowed to be happy. The world ing hates me, my country detests me. I can bet you 100.000 won that my Mother was cursed when she had me in her belly”

Chanyeol nods, feeling bad seeing his friend’s sullen face. “I know, Chen” he says slowly, noticing that Jongdae doesn’t even move his hand to smack him for using his ‘nickname’. “I wish we both could teleport to some place with money and people who don’t know us”

“That would be great isn’t it? We won’t have any obligation to anyone and we can finally take no from nobody” Jongdae sighs, closing his eyes as he imagines the perfect vision of having no responsibility.

“Are you sure that there’s no way you can postpone the conscription?” Chanyeol asks after a moment of silence.

“Urgh” Jongdae groans. “I don’t know for sure. I mean and what? I could get arrested for that.”

“Not technically though” Chanyeol says thoughtfully as he takes a bite of his snack. “I mean, are you tied into a contract yet? Or like, have you officially become a University student? I heard from Dad if you’re involved with a job or a contract that requires your presence in the first couple of years, you can postpone the calls. Look at Jongin, he’s basically freed from any kind of military duties until he’s like what? Thirty?”

Jongdae groans, covering his face with both of his palms. “That would be impossible” his voice is muffled. “I haven’t signed myself up to any Universities in town and I just got rejected by that ing CUBE company.”

Chanyeol really really wants to be sorry for his friend, but he deep down he knows that he’s not exactly safe either from being ‘drafted’ away by the government for two years, seeing that he barely has two months left to find a campus that he’ll be attending daily to get away from the conscription.

“Urgh!” Jongdae grunts, he’s glaring up at the sky. “The government should really cut us some slack! They can’t just take two years from our life. Not at this age, not when we basically have thousands of opportunities ahead of us!”

“Yeah” Chanyeol agrees instantly. “What’s the point of rushing our times, anyway, it’s the North- that’s we’re dealing with- like bloody Kim Jong-un is capable to suddenly send thousands of troops to attack us.” He scowls when he suddenly remembers yesterday’s news “They can’t even take care of their own people, poor the ones who didn’t go south back then, eh?” Chanyeol pokes Jongdae in the ribs playfully, though his face is still covered in sorrow.

Jongdae hums, concurring to Chanyeol’s question as he does so. He moves his hands upwards in the air, “This thing called ‘expecting for the worst’ is ridiculous. We’re basically adapting to live under nonsense threats, and they say that we’re one of the most powerful countries in the world”

“Yeah” Chanyeol replies seriously. “It’s not like the North will actually capable to create a major change. With our bands and such promoting in China, I’m pretty sure that they’re expanding the diplomatic relations with us, and Russia won’t have time to baby Kim Jong-un when they’ve got their own crisis to fix”

“Not to mention that we’ve got the States and ing UN on our backs” Jongdae reasonably states. “This stupid Military Service is practically unnecessary”

The bigger boy nods his head again, sighing as he crosses his arms in front of his broad chest. The sullen hasn’t left his face yet. “But then again, we’re not exactly powerful enough to change a ing law, are we?” Chanyeol asks softly, not expecting any answer because he knows that there’s none.

What he doesn’t know though, is that the answer is already there every time he stares at the mirror in every dawn.

a/n: im sorry if there's any mistakes and such, i am still learning english

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