It was a regular day at the EXO XO Veterinary Clinic. 

Then, 

"HOW COULD YOU PARKING ING CHANYEOL I TRUSTED YOU! WE ARE OVER!" 

"We need to uninstall that coffee machine in the lobby," Kris sighed. "I should've gone to law school. Wait a second . . . "

~

"Kris, what the are you doing." 

"That's Chief Inspector Lee to you." 

"But your last name isn't even Lee," Minseok protested. 

"I know, but it's from Rush Hour," Kris explained. "Anyways, what seems to be the problem here?" 

"Kris, law school and law enforcement are two different thin-" Kris slapped a hand over Joonmyun's mouth. "Shh. I think I've found the first clue." 

"You!" he pointed at Minseok, "Come, Watson." 

"Oh, so you choose him over me," Joonmyun grumbled, walking away. 

"Isn't Watson from Sherlock Holmes though?" Minseok asked. 

"Hush, Watson. I'm Canadian, no questions asked." 

Minseok followed Kris as he walked down the hallway in 1800's detective gear, though he was wearing a modern red tie like Inspector Lee. He had a taser in one pocket and a magnifying glass in another. Taking the magnification tool out, he whirled around suddenly. 

"So, Watson," he circled around him, "what do you think about the mystery?" 

"Um," Minseok answered, "What mystery?" 

"Goddamit Watson!" Kris threw his hands up, now talking in a British accent that made his Korean difficult to understand. "Pay attention!" 

"Kris, you always criticize us for giving Baekhyun caffeine, but you do it yourself!" Minseok said angrily, "You should be ashamed! you're setting an example as a role model for the younger ones. Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on you!  Dishonor on your cow!' 

"But caffeine isn't a dru-"

"Shh," Minseok raised a finger to his lips, leaning in and whispering. "That's what the government wants you to think. It's a conspiracy. You see, caffeine actually kills off brain cells, rendering most of the human population unable to rebel against the government. This lowers their intelligence and brings down their IQ, making them abnormally dumb." 

Kris leaned back, shocked. "Really?"

Minseok shrugged. "Based on who I'm friends with." 

"We have to solve this mystery!" Kris declared (to the empty hallway), "Watson, come, first we need to find proof that human population is lacking in brain cells!" 

"Let's go kick some Hunny buns! Yee-ha!" 

~

"Sir, I brought the first vict- I mean, witness," Minseok said. 

"Ekseelent," Kris said, turning around, 

"Wait, what did I do wrong?" Tao asked as he was dragged to the chair in the middle of the room. "I swear I wasn't reading To The Beautiful You fanfiction again! But you know, Jaehee and Taejoon are just so perfect together!" 

"Positive," Kris told Minseok. "NEXT!"

~

"What eez 3x7?" Kris questioned. 

"Did you know three times three is nine and nine is an amazing number not because of the T-ARA song but because there are nine goddesses tha thave blessed earth with their presence named-"

"Definitely positive. NEXT!" 

~

"Zee capital of Russia is?" Kris raised a (fake) bushy eyebrow. 

"I can't believe I didn't win Miss Korea. After all the threateni- I mean complimenting I did I still didn't come in first! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!"

"Ha. Ha." Kris laughed nervously. "Positive," he whispered quietly to Minseok. "NEXT!" 

~

"Nine -"

"NUMBER NINE, NUMBER NINE, NUMBER NINE. NAREUL TTEONAJI MARAYO!"

"Positive. NEXT!"

~

"If I have three apples and you have two, how many do we together?"

"None, because you chose Minseok over me so I won't giv eyou anyhting anymore! ANNYYYTHIIINGG!"

"Positive. NEXT!" 

~

"So-"

"NO! ANOTHER MINUTE AND HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD!" 

"Positive. NEX- oh, . OW! WATSON! HELP!" 

~

"So, if you add potassium to - wait, why are you dressed as Hyomin from T-ARA?"

"But I'm dresses as Hyeri from Girls Day." 

"Positive. Have you ever even seen these groups? NEXT!"

~

"What is your opinion on global warming?" 

"2NE1 WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN SNSD! THOSE NINE GIRLS CAN'T MAKE MUSIC FOR THEIR LIFE!" 

Baekhyun twitched from behind Kris. Kris screamed, jumping away. "When did you get here?" 

Baekhyun's eye twitched. "Positive. Definitely positive." 

~

(after they cleaned the blood off the walls)

"So, who do you think is the best-looking?" Kris asked. 

"Kris," Sehun said. 

"YES!" Kris cheered. "Watson, we finally found someone with brain cells."

"Is the ugliest." 

"Nevermind. Positive. NEXT!"

~

"Okay, Watson, now I'll test you. You see a charity advertisement in a newspaper about a person in severe need in Australia. There is no state welfare available to this person, but you can help them at little cost to yourself. You have good reason to believe that any help you offer will make a difference. Are you morally obliged to help the person?"

Minseok's jaw dropped. "What? What does this have to do with my brain cells?!"

"You're right," Kris agreed. "Hmm," he thought for a moment. "What is the meaning of life?" 

"Oh my god it's actually true!" Minseok exclaimed. "I just made it up to get him to stop doing it but it's true!" 

"Kris!" Minseok turned to him urgently, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them, "You need to test yourself!" 

"Right," Kris said. "Kris, what is two plus two?" 

~

"So I was thinking about Miss Korea," Luhan said, standing in front of the coffee table in the lobby. 

"Keep talking," Baekhyun said as he flipped a page on the magazines from the couch. 

"Miss Chine," Luhan motioned with his hands, "It would be-" 

"IT'S TRUE!" Minseok ran into the lobby. 'THE GOVERNEMNT IS CONSPIRING! OBAMA'S SECRETLY A UNICORN! PARK GEUN HYE IS A LLAMA! RUN!" he ran out the door. 

"My lead pipe!" they heard Kris cry. 

Baekhyun looked after the two of them confused. "But I thought Amber was the llama?"

~

a/n: baekxoc fic is cancelled for now. though i am, for sure, doing an exo fic in the joseon period, just not sure when as i need a lot of research time and some person interested in politics to help me out. 

TWITTER: guys, i'm getting a twitter! please comment and tell me your usernames C: don't let me a loner :( reach out to me! inspirits! sones! blackjacks! exotics! elfs! affections! inner circles! queens! shawols! heck, even pink pandas (kai made me do that)! and whatever the heck big bang's fanclub name is because no one really knows! anyways, comment and i'll reply with my username if enough people have it. (i don't wanna be a sad loner) as in, i have an hour or so.