*

“What do you like about this place?”

Kai was hanging the dry fish on the bamboo fence in front of his shack, when he felt Luhan walked close and stood next to him. He stopped his job and turned at the blond who was staring at the borderless ocean in daze. For a moment a trail of thought passed his mind. First, He didn’t understand why he had to tell Luhan how precious this small village to him and two, he’s still annoyed with the blond, for the fact that Luhan won’t budge from his side no matter how he tried to explain that he couldn’t teach people especially about love and faith.

“So?” When Kai decided to continue his work with the dry fish, Luhan persistently tried to lure words from his mouth, “there’s almost nothing here, except the dangerous sea and debris from Tsunami.” The blond pointed at the poverty around him, at the remains of villagers on the beach who tried to crawl back to live after they lost everything with their sailing boat. Once again Kai stopped tying his dry fish and stood up straight next to Luhan. He inhaled the scent of salty wind of the ocean so he could swallow the bitterness he got after hearing Luhan’s words, because the blond was right. There’s nothing left for him in this place, or any other place in the world. It all had been swept away by the rain and wave and the wrath of God.

“I have everything in here.” But he dared to lie, even though it only hurts his throat, “house, food, freedom…” as he turned to convince Luhan by seeing the blond right in the eye, his breath hitched because he’d only show more of his guilt that way.

“But you’re all alone.” Luhan answered softly, didn’t have idea the words only ripping more wound and torturing his already barren heart, “may I ask where your family is?”

Kai pursed his lips, “They’re gone.” He surprised at how easily he said it now. Years before, he could barely move when a friend of his family called him to come home from his study in Malaysia, so he could say good bye to his family members before they were buried. “Before the tsunami happened on this land, this North Village was a huge compound of Pesantren, an Islamic Boarding School, ran by my family,” a hollow smile appeared on his face at how ironic the fate was. It’s his grandparents’ 50th anniversary so everyone but Kai (because he didn’t get permit from his school) fled here to attend a family gathering. Turned out it became a bad idea. “Shortly, they’d all dead, and I’m alive because I was studying aboard.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kai wanted to be arrogance and laughed away the pity in Luhan’s tone. He got it enough from everyone already and it made him felt weak and pathetic. But when he saw Luhan mourned for him, he smiled in a strange happiness and whispering a low thanks.

Time passed by in silence, and both men enjoyed the wind breeze hitting their skin and the melody of the ocean reaching their ears. Kai was about to continue his current job when he heard Luhan spoke again, “actually, I don’t get it.” Kai took another glance at Luhan and he almost laughed at how comical the boy expression right now. Luhan was furious, with eyebrows furrowed and face scrunched in displease, “I don’t get it.” Luhan repeated the words into a hiss, “God took everything from you, yet you still have faith in Him?! Isn’t that unfair?!”

Kai couldn’t just answer that, half because he was fascinated in the way Luhan questioned the God’s will without afraid of the consequences. For people like Kai, who had faith in God, there’s no such selfishness and demand to bargain ‘a fair play’ with Him. Kaibelieved the main purpose of becoming human being that they were created to worship God. However, there are also people like Luhan who seen religion from the different point of view and it drew a curiosity from Kai as the brunette asked Luhan back with, “then why won’t you believe in God?”

“I just don’t want to.”

Kai didn’t mean to grin but the simplicity of Luhan tickled him under the skin, “then it was the same with me.” He said with a light chuckle, “I chose to believe in God.”

Luhan pouted in displease, “you are either brainwashed or stupid.”

“No, I’m not.” Kai raised a hand and ruffled Luhan’s hair gently as he said, “I’m just blindly in love with Him.”

*

He what?Luhan felt his mind started to explode the time Kai touched his hair. It’s not fair, indeed to let he witnessed the alluring smile, the breathless laugh and the husky whisper yet when Kai said about love, it’s not addressed to him. He knew faith is a freedom and he didn’t have to be so y against it. He’s only jealous because Kai’s blind love with this said God while he had to suffer to be near the brunette yet could only get a friendly pat on his shoulder or a brush on his fringe, like he was a little boy or worse, a desperate puppy.

He’s already 25 this year, damn it.

“So, because you love him, that’s okay even though you lost everything?” Luhan still felt it was unfair to sacrifice everything for someone we’d never met. It almost felt like wasting a life time. But then again, religious people believed in afterlife, just like they believed in God, Prophet, Angel and Demons, or Heaven and Hell.

 “Kai, are you a masochist?”

“What are you talking about?” Kai gave him a strange look, “I’m not a masochist. My religion taught me that there’s always reason behind action so I won’t question Him why this is happen to my life and learn to be thankful instead that at least I’m still alive and still had chance to prove my love to Him.”

“But-…”Luhan felt so weird. The more he wanted to find the flaws in God, the more he hesitated with himself, because even though it’s a blind love, it had reasonable purpose in a simple form of ‘take and give’ to create ‘balance’ in the world.

He began wondering of God truly exist.

It made him shuddered.

No, he shook his head. No, God only existed to them who believed. That’s what he kept in his mind and that’s what he embossed in his heart.

*

“Hey?”

Luhan was sitting on the bale-bale(the daybed made of wood and rattan) hugging his legs while watching Kai finished the evening prayer. But, even after it was done, the man sat still and only raised hands close to the chest. Luhan watched for a few minutes until he couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Hey, what are you doing?” he tapped Kai shoulder, “Isn’t the prayer already over?”

Kai took a glance at him, giving him a warning look for his interruption. He didn’t feel scared though, only more curious with the strange words escaped Kai lips in the form of husky whisperwhich made Luhanfelt more jealous with God. He’ll do anything to have that beautiful voice whispering in his ear too... Wait, why he wanted something like that from Kai?

Luhan decided not to think about it.

 “What?” he widened his eyes, defending himself from Kai’s cold glare by an innocent act, “I just think from how many prayers you had to do a day, He should get enough love from you, right?”

Kai didn’t answer, but the man decided to end the pray with a low ‘Amen’ and then tidying his prayer mat, “Luhan, oh Luhan,” Kai hummed Luhan name in disappointment, but it only made Luhan heart beat rushed and his face warmed in red blush. What the hell happened to me?!He shouted to himself in disgrace. First, it was a blind jealousy,then this obsessive fantasy appeared to get Kai’s attention only for him. Next time, he’ll stop thinking about love as illusion from the loneliness and began embracing his feeling for Kai.

It’s not happening yet, but he afraid it was near to that.

“Love has no boundary,” to make it worse, Kai chose to talk about love while stripping from the white shirt and the Sarong, didn’t have idea the view of light brown skin and the visible muscle from arms and legs only made Luhan dizzy with forbidden desire, “and also had no time limit. Love is greedy and raw, yet they’re also beautiful.” Said Kai with a clueless smile, as the man approached the bed to sit next to him.

Luhan flinched when he felt the low sound of crack from the rattan bed in reaction to Kai’s weight settled on the hard surface. Oh, he was so nervous now for silly reason of spending night time in crumpled shack while sharing this damned lousy bed together with Kai. A few days ago, he’d only complaint at how hard and stuffy it was for two men, but now he could only think about love and lust and and how impossible to crave it from someone like Kai.

“God must be so lucky to be loved by you…”

He mouthed his jealousy, in hope Kai got the clue about it.

“Nah.” When Kai ruffled his hair again, Luhan tried not to close his eyes or moaned into the touch because it felt like fresh and healing water met with his unbearable heat, “you just don’t understand. In my case, God already blessed me with everything. Family, friends, freedom, yet he only asked one and that’s my love. It’s not because I wanted His heaven or because I’m afraid being thrown to Hell. I just love him with no unnecessary reason.”

Luhan felt like getting rejected when he heard that.

“Then what if you find someone else?” Luhan could hear his own heart thumping loudly as it was beating faster and harsher. He was angry to God for getting all of Kai’s attention and love. Again, he could only think it as unfair. “What if you get married? You won’t love the