I find myself sitting in my brother's room and I find it hard to breathe as I snap back into reality. I swipe away a stray tear as I slowly catch my breath.

The flashbacks have been getting less and less frequent but occasionally it still happens, like now. I wish it would stop though. It brings back so many bad memories, the traumas, things that I wish never happened. These flashbacks are a constant reminder of my past and my mistakes, a mental scar I wish to remove. But I guess I deserve this small bit of pain.

My mom creaks the door the room open and peaks her head in, "Junhong-ah, Jiho wanted me to tell you something when he was in the hospital. I'm so sorry that I'm only telling you this now but I've had too much on my mind. He wanted you to have something that he left in the left drawer of his desk." With that she gives me a weak smile and closes the door. I continue sitting on his bed for a moment as I process her words. Then I stand slowly and as I cross the room towards his desk, I feel like butterflies are fluttering in my stomach. I'm hopeful that maybe I will get some closure to this but I am also afraid of what I may have to face.

I pull out a tattered notebook and for a moment I am reminded of that notebook I had once cherished. But I push away those thoughts as I flip open the cover of the book with shaky hands. I'm met with lines of scrawling handwriting and I squint hard to decipher the words. My heart stops for a moment when I understand the row of words. I sit back on his bed as I slowly rake through the word filled pages.