There are things no one knows; things that I will never feel comfortable telling anyone. And you may think I tell you everything…

 

But I don’t, not even close.

 

You know nothing.

16^th August 2014

“I told you 2 weeks ago Hyein.”

“I know! But I’m really sorry Unnie, my class organized the gathering at the very last minute. Can’t you look after her for 2 hours?”

“But it’s just a gathering!” Saein raised her voice slightly as she leaned on the kitchen cabinet, “You expect me to be absent from my mother-in-law’s birthday dinner instead?”

“It’s not just a gathering! It’s an important gathering! You know how important making friends are especially when I’m studying in a business course now?” Hyein argued. “Just 2 hours unnie.”

“Hyein.” Taking in a deep breadth, Saein ran her hands through her hair in frustration. “It’s very unfair to me you know that?”

“It’s unfair to me too!” Hyein replied her agitatedly, “I had been missing my gatherings because I have to come back and babysit her! Do you all know how I feel?”

“Then do you know how I feel that I have to be absent from my mother-in-law’s birthday dinner?!” Saein scolded her back, however, the younger just looked at their mother who had been cooking silently throughout their argument. She was long used to such arguments, it was getting more frequently recently and she couldn’t take sides, both of them are her daughters. “And don’t even look at Omma. She needs to bring Appa to hospital for check-up tomorrow.”

“But.. she can bring her along!”

“Are you crazy?! What if she meets someone she knows in the hospital?!”

“She won’t unnie! We are being overly paranoid! I’m sure…”

“Oh Jongin-ah!” Grabbing Hyein’s wrist, Saein straightened up when she saw her brother approaching the kitchen, flashing him a smile as though nothing happened.

“What are you arguing about? I can hear you guys fighting from the living room.” Kai asked lowly as he stepped into the kitchen.

“Erm…” Hyein swallowed hard, afraid that her brother might have heard the entire conversation earlier. That was the last thing she wanted. “We…”

“What else can they fight about?” His mother interrupted her in time, “Scramble eggs or Omelette of course.”

Nodding her head, Saein tightened her grip on Hyein’s hand and the girl followed to nod her head as well. A small sigh of relief escaped their lips as they looked at one another. At times like this, they were the most cooperative with one another.

“Well, I think we need to have hard boiled eggs instead. Sehun is here for dinner.” The boy didn’t doubt his mother’s words, he believed her with his heart and soul. “It’s the guest’s favourite.”

“Okay. Go out and accompany Sehun then, Jongin. Its not nice to leave your guest alone.” Kai’s mother successfully chased her son out of the kitchen and upon seeing him leave, the atmosphere between the Kim sisters turned bad once again.

“You know what? I think I will just not go for my gathering.” Hyein sighed and gave in. Her elder sister was right any way, it wasn’t fair for her to be absent for her mother-in-law’s birthday dinner when she already told her to look after Jieun 2 weeks ago. Although she is upset and angry that she cannot go out with her friends, there was nothing she could do anyway. This had been the case for the past 2 years so she could only give the class gathering a miss once again.

“I’m sorry Hyein. I promise to help you look after the next time round so you can go for your gathering alright?” Saein gave her younger sister a hug and patted her back. “I know this isn’t fair to any of us, but it’s for Jongin. Let’s sacrifice a little for him uhm?”

Nodding her head, Hyein could only swallow unhappiness, hoping that it would not chew on her.

Mrs Kim on the other hand, turned around to see her 2 daughters hugging one another and she joined them. She knew it is hard on both of them, but it is hard on her too. But they had no choice. They could only help Jongin in this manner, no other. Patting Hyein’s head, she reminded them,

“We are a family and we need to help Jongin.”

-

Sehun craned his neck towards the kitchen, hoping to see the figure he hadn’t seen in a long time. Very much to his disappointment, Kai walked out instead. He was quite sure that she was at home since the entire Kim family was home; they never let her go out on her own anyway.

“How come I don’t see Jieun at all?” Sehun leaned back in the couch and pretended to ask casually, “Is she cooking in the kitchen?”

Taking a seat beside him, Kai shrugged his shoulders indifferently. “No, she’s not there. I don’t know where is she.”

“How can you not know?” Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, slightly annoyed at how lack of concern he was towards her. If it wasn’t for him, Jieun wouldn’t be like this today, how could he still be so guilt-free about it? “You are supposed to be responsible for her!”

“I don’t need you to remind you alright?!” Kai snapped at the younger, the last thing he needed was someone to remind him about the issue. Just because he didn’t talk about it, didn’t mean that he forgot about it. There are just some things that he will never talk about. The pain, or perhaps the memory itself, is too fragile and will never be strong enough to be vocalized. People like Sehun may see his suffering, but he will never hear of it beyond what he is willing to show.

“Stop ing running away from it Kai. Be a man and face it!” Sehun rolled his eyes and spat. Everyday, for the past 2 years, he watched Kai numbed himself with dance and with work. Everything he did was done without any soul or passion that it hurts him to see him in this state. However, his ability to empathise and pity him had reached its limit. There wasn’t any room to tolerate it anymore. It became something he despised him of, because he is too weak to stand on his feet again. “There is not one person in this world who is not cripplingly sad about something. Stop thinking that you are the only one suffering here and stop behaving like a walking dead!”

Running away? Kai had tried to run away from the issue but he had never gotten anywhere. No matter what he did, or who he spoke to, they never stop reminding about the mistake he did. How he wished he could run away, how he wished everything were as easy as Sehun said.

“Yeah, because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying I don’t want to exist isn’t saying I want to die. It’s saying I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”

“And if you don’t know how it feels this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.” With that, Kai stood up from the sofa and head to his room. He had promised himself to never stay anywhere he’s not very much wanted. He has too many scars to be breaking his bones to fit into places that weren’t made to fit him.

“Jieun is in her room.” Saein broke the awkward silence that lingered in the living room after Kai left. She overheard every single thing the 2 younger men conversed earlier. Now she knew why Sehun was here. She remembered the boy coming to Kamong alone after coming back from their L.A concert. However, he left almost right away after looking around. That day was the day Hyein brought Jieun for her yearly checkup.

“I will go and look for her then.” Sehun got up from the sofa, grabbing the bag in his hand as he headed towards her room. He couldn’t be bothered with the argument he had with Kai. To him, there is no one capable of saving him except himself. Since he wished to drown and die, he would gladly let him. He could wallow on his own pain for as long as he wanted, as long as the girl in the room is not involved.

“Come in.” His angry thoughts were soon broken by her lovely voice.

“Oh hello Sehun!” Jieun looked up from her table to see the blonde male entering her room. The last time she saw him, his hair was green in colour. With a pleasant smile, she praised. “You look nice in blonde.”

“Oh really?” Sehun touched his hair shyly as he stood in her room awkwardly, unsure of where should he placed himself. The paper bag in his hand was carefully hidden behind his back. “You think I look nice in blonde?”

“Yeah.” Jieun nodded her head happily. Sehun was the only Exo member who talks to her the most. The others seemed to keep their distance, or look at her the same way Jongin always do. Since they didn’t like her, she doesn’t want to upset them further by going near them. As for Sehun, he is the only one she could call her friend because he treats her like one too, telling her what is going on in his life like how she would tell her diary about it. He doesn’t avoid her, and he doesn’t look at her that way. “Better than green though.”

“Right.” Sehun nodded, “You called me a broccoli.”

“Hahaha. Because you looked like one!”

“I had pink hair a few days ago, I wanted to show you that before I dye it blonde but you weren’t at Kamong when I went there.” Sehun took the initiative and sat on the floor beside her bed, which Jieun followed, sitting opposite him with her legs crossed.

“Ahhh.. I went for my checkup.”

“How did it go?” He asked earnestly, but a small part of him hopes for a piece of bad news; he wished for her to stay as Kai’s cousin forever. Then, he can forever be Kim Jieun’s only friend.

“Doctor said the chances are very low.”

“It would be a miracle in the medical world if I ever regain my memory.

So..are you guys still confused?

I think some of you might be able to guess it already.

Have fun piecing the information up!

Feel free to ask me any questions. (But I will only answer those that doesn't give away the storyline!)

Enjoy~