Entry #023
MnemophobiaThere is telepathy between hearts.
27th December 2014
“Hello Unnie?” Jieun bit her lower lips after the recipient on the other line picked up.
“I need to stayback in the office to clear some work. I will be later then usual.”
“Please don’t wait for me.”
“Uhm, I will take a cab. Bye Unnie.”
Upon hanging up the phone, she apologized to Saein mentally before opening up the message that Taeyang sent her yesterday. She punched in the code, unlocking the door to an apartment that belonged to a total stranger.
She spent the whole day contemplating if she should come and in the end, she couldn’t escape from how his crying face and bawling haunted her. Convincing herself that it wouldn’t harm her in any way, she came, making her way here the moment she ended work. Since she looked so much like Jiyong’s ex-girlfriend, she supposed it would help if she could ask him to move on. Jieun was sure that wherever the girlfriend may be, she would want him to live well too.
Closing the door behind her, she stepped into the house and a sense of comfort engulfed her right away. As she wondered if it was the design that made her feel this way, she instinctively turned round the corner to enter the first bedroom on her right to find the man that she had no relation to sprawled on top of his bed with empty bottles and cigarette butts all over the ground.
With a soft sigh, Jieun stepped into the room and used her bare hands to pick up the things on the ground, afraid that he might hurt himself if he stepped on it.
“Leave.. it.” The man groaned, assuming that it was his best friend cleaning his room for him again.
“I wonder how can you live in such condition.” Jieun shook her head and continued picking up the rubbish that was all over the floor.
Opening his eyes, Jiyong sprang up right away. That voice he just heard belonged to Haewon. He was quite sure he heard her voice. Searching around the room afraid that he might be hallucinating again, he saw the figure that sent tears to his eyes right away. That moment, he just wanted to reach out and grab her hand and hold it to him, right over his heart, right where it aches the most. He didn’t know if doing that would heal him completely or make his heart break entirely but either way, the constant waiting would be over because he finally saw her and everything collapsed underneath him. Nothing made sense anymore.
“Haewon..” Jieun jumped when she felt someone hugged her so tightly that she thought she could no longer breathe. But she had expected this behaviour from him and she was prepared for it.
“I miss you so much.. I miss you so much till I feel it beneath my skin.. through my muscle.. inside of my bones.” Jiyong bawled as he held the girl in his arms tight. Their bodies could be skin on skin and he would still pull her closer to him. Never was he ever going to let go of her ever again.
“People keep telling me to stop thinking and that you wouldn’t come back.. but I just plugged my ears and ignored them because I still believe that you will come back as much as I want you to.”
“I believe.. I believe that you want to touch my skin and know what it feels like to be loved again..”
Jiyong had saved up all the things he wanted to tell Haewon when she was gone. He tried to keep track of everything in his head. But he didn’t know it was like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand. All the little bits slipped out of his hands, and then he was just clutching air and grit. Because when he finally saw her, all these small things didn’t matter anymore. All that matters was telling her how much he missed her.
“They told me is a shame to admit my needs..”
“I need you Haewon..”
“I admit I’m shameless but I really need you..”
“Since you left me.. my life is like ruin. Please come back.. or I will die.”
As Jieun hear his words, her tears fell unknowingly. Her hands patted his back to calm him down as she stayed in his arms. The man before him felt strangely warm and familiar. He felt solid and safe that she wanted to cling onto his shirt and bury her face into the warm curve of his neck.
“Admitting you have a mental illness or an addition is not a sign of weakness. It takes so much strength to ask for help that that makes you amazing, Jiyong-ssi.” Jieun choked out with a smile before frowning again.
“But I’m not your Haewon.”
“I know I look a lot like her but I’m not her.”
“No.. you’re Haewon. Don’t lie.. You are my Haewon..” Jiyong shook his head, refusing to believe a thing she just said. His tears wetting Jieun’s cardigan.
“Jiyong-ssi.. Wherever Haewon is, I’m sure she will want you to live well.” Jieun’s tears ran down her cheeks as she continued comforting him with her patting in a slow and constant motion. “She will want to see you be happy and see you smile.”
“I’m quite sure of that.”
“She definitely wouldn’t want to see you waste your life away.”
“Don’t go Haewon.. Don’t go.. I can’t do this on my own.. I really can’t do this on my own..” Jiyong choked even harder, unable to believe that Haewon now was just a memory.
“I can’t live with myself.. please don’t leave.. Please stay.”
“Don’t go Haewon-ah..”
Jieun didn’t leave. She held the crying man in her arms till he fell asleep. Slowly tucking him into the sheets, she wiped away the tears that was coming down from her eyes. Now she could fathom the pain when someone leaves her, or she wouldn’t be crying so badly. If Jongin or any of the Kim family ever leaves her like how Jiyong’s ex-girlfriend did, she was sure she would break down like him too.
Sitting by the bedside, Jieun unknowingly fell into a daze just by watching Jiyong’s sleeping face. Her hands instinctively ran through his overgrown fringe, sweeping them away. Till a message from Jongin asking if she was home then she realized that she really had to go.
However, a part of her still couldn’t bear to leave him in this state.
Going into the kitchen, she wanted to cook something for him to cure his hangover but there was nothing in the fridge. She grabbed her coat and went to the mart nearby to buy. It took her less than 20 minutes to return without having to ask anyone for directions and she started whipping up a simple meal. She skillfully opened the cupboards, pulling out salt and sugar, getting them right where they were on her first try. Then she pulled a page from the notepad that was on the coffee table, scribbling something before putting it beside his nightstand. Everything was done so subconsciously and instinctively.
With a last look, she whispered softly before closing his bedroom door.
“Jiyong-ssi.. smile, don’t cry anymore.”
Wearing contact lenses for 20h and I had been awake for 21h. Good job to myself.
Enjoy!
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