She fluttered her eyes open only to close them back when her gaze landed straight towards the window, blinded by the bright light.

She turned her body around, her back facing the sun, and slowly opened her eyes again to see the sleeping figure of Cheondung close next to her.

She quietly stared at him, leading her to remember yesterday’s happenings.

Was he right? Was she falling in love with him?

She had no clue what her heart was telling her about him, what her mind wanted to make her think.

She was left confused about everything that he was and about everything they’ve been through since the first night they met.

She only ever loved one man in her entire life and the mere idea of going through this again was one of the most frightening thought that could be mustered in the back of her head.

But she needed to know; she needed to understand what the turmoil inside her was all about.

She needed guidance, clues to help her figure out if what she felt was really love or just something else.

Coming out of her thoughts, she turned back around and slowly sat up before sliding out from the bed. Not wanting to wake him up, she left the bed sheets where they were and picked up her towel from the ground before quietly walking out of the bedroom and closing the door behind.

Across the hallway, she made her way inside the bathroom and started to clean herself up, from her hair to her tippy toes.

She took her time as she let the water comfort the sore muscles of her body and wash the sweat away, wanting to erase traces of her late night.

Once she was done, she walked out and made her way back to her bedroom as she picked out a new set of clothes before retracing her steps to the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

She dried her body and clothed herself before attending to her hair, ruffling them with another towel to dry them. Finishing up with a messy bun, she walked out to find Caleb waiting for her by the door to her bedroom.

She lightly caressed the top of his head before walking inside the bedroom; she was faced with the still sleeping figure of the boy. Looking away, she found leather jacket and walked out with Caleb following her right by her side.

They stepped down the stairs until they reached the first floor and made their way out.

She didn’t know what time it was but by the fresh scent coming from the breeze, she could tell it was still early in the morning.

“Come on baby, it’s time for a visit.”

The softness of knock attracted the woman’s attention towards the door; a smile appeared across her face at the sight of her daughter.

“That’s a nice surprise~”

“’Morning mom.” Sora shyly waved at her mother as she stepped in gently inside the room without letting go of the knob.

“How are you?”

“I’ve been better… you?”

“I’m feeling better.”

“That’s good~”

“Mhmm.”

Just then, the little pet swiftly made his way through the entrance and inside the room, he made his way straight towards the bed and jumped on the mattress, making himself comfortable; the sight left both women to chuckle at the wolf’s behavior.

“Where did you find him?”

“Wait, you don’t know? This is Caleb…”

“Caleb? You mean-”

“Mhmm.”

“Sweetie, where did you find him?”

“At that woman’s house… Hmm, her name is Armina. She said she’s my godmother… Is this true?”

A sigh came out from Yumi’s lips. She scooted her body further to the side, giving the chance for her daughter to sit next to her.

“Mhmm, it is and it’s a long story.”

“I have time, I-I mean, if it’s okay with you.”

“Of course, honey. Now come and sit next to your mother~”

Doing so, she comfortably took a seat by the woman’s side and leaned her head on her shoulder, letting the small quiet moment embrace them.

“Mom… I need your help.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Maybe? I-I don’t know… I’m just so lost, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Tell me what’s on your mind then.” The mother was softly her daughter’s hair as the girl stood quiet while trying to figure out where to start and how to pour out her feelings to her mother; it was something she hasn’t done in so long, almost never, leaving her afraid of doing this wrong.

A soft peck on Sora’s head was the boost needed to start.

“There’s this guy and hmm… it-it’s complicated but, I guess, I don’t know… I’m just wondering if it’s worth it, you know? If I should give him a chance. I can’t even tell what falling in love feels like anymore. I don’t even think I could ever love again. Not after Seungho. Mom, tell me what to do, please… I’ve never felt this confused before, and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Oh, baby… What can I say that will lessen your confusion?”

“Just anything really… He’s convinced that I love him but the truth is… I can’t tell anymore. I know I feel something for him, but love? I don’t know.”

“It’s always hard to fall in love again, especially when you’ve lost someone as dear as your father was to me and as Seungho was to you, but it doesn’t mean that you have to isolate yourself.”

“When I’m with him, it doesn’t feel the same though.”

“What do you mean?”

From leaning on her mother, Sora sat up straight as she turned around to face Yumi; the shift in bed caused Caleb to approach both women as he settled between them with his head on Sora’s lap. It gave the girl a chance to mindlessly play with his white fur while talking to her mother.

“When I am – w-was – with Seungho, it was perfect. Like, I felt calm and at peace with myself. I could actually feel it inside me… Everything felt so right with the world; nothing could go wrong… Whatever happened, anything that left me distraught and anxious, only one look in his eyes and it all went away. I’ve never felt so liberated, and just so… happy.”

“But?”

“But with this new guy, it’s the opposite. Its total chaos, total confusion… Like a war is happening inside me. But at the same time, I can’t seem to detach myself from him... I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but everywhere I turn, he’s here. The worst of it all is that I know I’m hurting him, I know that he’s in pain because of me but he doesn’t seem to understand, he doesn’t even want to let go and walk away.”

“But you’re also hurting yourself by staying with him. Did you try telling him?”

“I did but he doesn’t listen. He told me he loved me and that he’s convinced I feel the same way but… I don’t think I do. I don’t think I love him. I don’t even think I could ever love again. I mean, how could I? How can I fall in love and go through all of this again if it’s not with the person I was meant to be with? What’s the point of it all?”

She breathed out, taking a split of a moment to herself before speaking up again.

“Thinking about this, it hurts because I know that it’s not about Seungho anymore. I feel like he’s slipping away from me, like at any moment I could lose him for good. It hasn’t even been one hundred days yet, and it feels like he’s been gone forever… Even though I feel like it was just yesterday it happened.”

“And you’re afraid that if you admit to loving another man-”

“Seungho will disappear for good.”

“He won’t. No matter what, I’m sure he’s with you at all times. I think it would be impossible that even death would tear you guys apart. From the times I’ve encountered him, I’ve seen the way he looked at you, how he cared for you even in the most meticulous way, how free and happy you became when he was with you, like it was you two against the world. I loved the fact that I could trust him with you, and that I didn’t need to worry so much because you were in good hands. I know he’s still with you and I’m sure he would want you to be happy.”

She reached out for her daughter’s hand, leaving Sora to smile lightly at her mother’s comfort and compassion, until thoughts about her emotions rose up.

“But I’m so screwed up now… I haven’t been happy, I feel caged and lifeless… I don’t feel anything but the numbing pain.”

“Are you happy with the new boy?”

She hesitated for a couple of seconds before breathing out in discontent.

“No… He’s just a reminder of something I’ve lost and it’s killing me because I use him, and he knows that… I can still find comfort with him but at the end of the day, it’s turmoil that I feel. Like, it’s constantly itching me and I need to scratch my skin to ease the pain but it never goes away… As long as I’m with him, I don’t think it ever will.”

“Then walk away.” Yumi’s voice was so soft while gazing at her daughter, understanding the exhaustion that came with her emotional meltdown. She hoped to be of help, that’s all she wanted to be for her daughter.

“I can’t…”

“Why?”

“Because he keeps coming back and when I look at him, like really look at him, a part of me doesn’t want to let him go… It’s like I need him but at the same time-”

“You don’t want him.”

“Exactly…”

“I know you tried, but do it again. Talk to him. Make him understand how you feel.”

“How?”

“By telling him what you just told me. By telling him everything.”

“And what if it turns out that he’s right?”

“Then I guess… I guess you’ll be able to love again. You’ll just have to take it slow.”

They spent the rest of the day together, doing anything and yet nothing, talking about everything and nothing.

The wolf hasn’t moved from its comfort spot as he found solace with Sora as much as with her mother; the doctor and nurses grew tolerant of the pet with the hours, not willing to strike up some bad nerves despite arguing on how unsanitary it was to the hospital.

With the hours passing by, the sun was soon gone.

Sora stayed overnight, not wanting to part with her mother yet.

She fell asleep by her side with her pet at their feet until the next morning came.

She reluctantly bid her mother goodbye while leaving Caleb behind so the woman wouldn’t be alone; the company was needed.

While leaving the hospital, Sora knew that she had to talk to Cheondung. She knew that it was necessary so she could figure things out once and for all. She had no choice but to swim through that mindful chaotic mess that lived inside her just so she could have an answer.

She was just hoping that it would be over soon, that the pain would disappear once and for all.

It wasn’t just about falling in love anymore; she just wanted to know if she would ever be able to feel anything else but pain and desperation.