“Don’t leave me, Jonghyun-ah. I need you . .” she repeated again, sounded more desperate than before.

He didn’t remember what exactly happened afterwards. What he’s feeling right now is her lips on his. The sensation when his lips first touched hers is running through his brain and suddenly he feels so much awake. She’s still closing her eyes and her lips stay still. He can taste how sweet her lips are because of strawberry lip balm she uses. ‘Oh god, I miss the taste of your lips so bad.’

He can still smell the alcohol scent from her breath. He isn’t sure whether the alcohol smell is too strong or there’s any other reasons which make his head spinning around and his heart pounding crazily. But there is like a strong desire from inside to pull him deeper. There is no point to turn back as he wants it, desperately.

He closed his eyes and raised his left hand to her cheek. He caressed it gently with his thumb. His heart is beating faster as the kiss he is also going deeper. He bites her lips demanding her to open it more. She gives in, opening as giving him a way to come in, offering unrestricted access to him to make more intense contact. He deepens the as exploring her lips more, make her let out a moan. Her y moan succeeds in turning him on more. He tightened his grip and now his tongue is in charge of giving the pleasure. He into her lips harder. The shiver he feels because of her is getting stronger as running through his spine to his back. He locks her lips between his lips then sweeps the tip of his tongue over her lower lip. He does one smooth, swift motion lasts less than one second and wait for her response. She moves her tongue as responsively returning the favor. He no longer can hold his desire as the warmth spreading to the entire of his body. He tags her tongue playfully and retreats back, inviting her to make the next move, and she does. They are playing and embracing each other’s tongue with so much desire and longing until he pulled away gasping for air.

‘Holy ! What the hell I’ve just done??!’ he squealed inside as blinking his eyes few times like a sleeping man who just woke up in a strange place.

She moved and let out a groan once again but her eyes were still closed.

“Don’t leave me, Jonghyun-ah, stay with me please. I need you . .” she mumbled again making him dumbfounded. His heart hurt hearing her unconscious remarks.

‘Goddamn it!’

He continued cursing without sound as shocked of what he just did, moreover to what he just heard. Finally be able to get his sense back, he realized that his task isn’t finished yet that night. He rushly grabs Yoona’s neck and knee with his other hand. He’s trying to carry her with bridal style and finally pulled her out from car hardly.

Finally he was able to take her into the door. He’s still having another challenge of how to ring the bell since both of his hands were occupied to hold on Yoona’s body. He was trying to press the bell using his left hand which holding on her neck. Finally after a few attempts, he successfully pressed the bell. What he hopes right now is there’s someone who hears the bell right away, so he doesn’t need to repeat again.

His eyes widened in surprise when the door is opened not long after that.

“You came. Slightly late, but it’s okay. Could you please carry her to bedroom right away? Everyone’s sleeping, I don’t want to wake them up,” she said bluntly while motioning him to follow her.

He was stunned in silence and followed her obediently.

“Put her here,” continued her again after reaching an empty bedroom with two single beds. He laid her down carefully on the bed at the left side. Good thing Yoona is really in deep slumber, so there is no commotion happens at that time.

Taeyeon immediately get out of the room once he settled Yoona into comfortable position on the bed. Jonghyun who is still in nervous state is following her after. “It’s not good if you stay here at this hour and when all members are sleeping, so . .”

“I understand, noona. I am about to ask for leave anyway,” cut him as knowing what she meant before she finished her words. He bowed his head politely and walked towards the door. He turned back to face Taeyeon once again, “I am sorry for bringing her home late, and because she was drunk,” he showed her an apologetic face.

“That wasn’t your fault. Actually I was so surprised when Yuri told me that she wanted to see you, I was mad at first but guess if I were in Yuri’s place I wouldn’t be able to prevent her to do so. You know clearly when she has demanded for something, she would do anything to get it. Regarding her drunk state, I believe she wanted it herself, and you could do nothing to stop her right?” she chuckled before continuing again, “No need to say sorry.”

He inhaled deeply, “But still, I feel like it should’ve not happened if . .”

This time, Taeyeon cut his words in the midst of talking, “There’s no point to look behind.” She gives him an assuring smile. He looked down as still feel uneasy over the situation. Later the atmosphere turns awkward for them.

“Anyway, thank you for taking care of Yoona,” Taeyeon broke the silence as trying to overcome the awkwardness.

He smiled bitterly over her remarks at first. “Don’t mention it, noona. This is all I can do for her, at least. Her happiness is above everything for me.”

Taeyeon widened her eyes as didn’t expect him to be this open with his feelings.

“You still love her, do you?”

He nodded weakly responding her question. Taeyeon might not notice his nod, but she got the answer from his eyes, it tells everything, his love, his pain, his longing, all of his feelings towards her dongsaeng.

She sighed heavily afterwards. Jonghyun doesn’t want to continue the topic further hence he bid his farewell immediately. “I think I should leave now, noona.”

“Ah, of course. You must be tired,” exclaimed her while rubbing her temple.

He grabbed the door knob and opened the door. “I am leaving now, noona. Good night,” he bowed his head once again before walking out of the door.

Suddenly Taeyeon called out his name after few steps leaving the door, “Jonghyun-ah!”

He turned back to see her face and saw she was approaching him.

“I have never asked anything from you. So please let me ask one thing right now. Let it be the first and last time I ever ask you something. Yoona . .”

He was frozen upon hearing her name. It’s like a spell which sending him a cold shiver spreading fast like a deadly virus. Moreover when he was instantly reminded of the kissing scene he just did, cold sweat was trickling down behind his back.

“If you really care about her, I hope you really leave her for good. She already has new life now, it’s still hard for her but I believe she’ll be fine in times. I just don’t want her to suffer more. She has chosen to live this way, so I am sure it’s the best for her. If you really love her, you know how to let her go.”

He was speechless. His concentration was blurred, only her last sentence keep hovering in his mind.

If you really love her, you know how to let her go . .

“I hope you understand. Good night, Jonghyun,” she left him right away after bid her goodbye.

He is taking weak steps to his car. Once again, he was lost.

Things happened tonight was like sub-tropical seasons change drastically within a night.

Seeing her was like a spring season where the flower of love and tree of hope were blooming rapidly. She was a beautiful cherry blossoming coming to him like a warm sunlight saving him from dark and cold winter.

The kiss was surely a summer for him. Hot. Bright. Full of desire and lust. She was giving him warm sensation throughout his soul like a full sun showing off its dignity. Her scent was like a summer breeze, refreshing yet letting him addicted to it, aching for more and more. In the end, kissing her was giving him feels of excitement like he always waits for summer to come every single year.

When she said those words of desperation to his very own ears, he felt the summer was gone and replaced by the next season, autumn. When she said she needs him, his heart fell like leaves falling down from a tree one by one. He wanted to do anything to grab her hands, he wanted to hug her so desperately yet there was like cold wind prevents him to do so.

He knew winter is coming when her unnie whom his lovely girl rely on the most, noona whom he respect the most asked him to leave, literally leave, without a single trace left behind. When she asked him to let her go, only cold was bothering him. Not even a beautiful snow rain comes, only dark and coldness are surrounding him.

Jonghyun fastened his steps to car parked in front of the dorm. His mind is full of thoughts that he is praying that he can reach his dorm safely.

***

Jonghyun entered the dorm with a blank face. Cold sweats keep running behind his back. He could feel the coldness within his palms. He was lost, he didn’t know what to do. Too many things are conflicted in his mind. Once he felt it’s like a dream, but at other times he felt the opposite-fully awake from a long nightmare he had.

Yonghwa who has been waiting for him in the living room is immediately running to him as soon as his face appeared.

“Yaa, Lee Jonghyun! Where the hell have you been??!!” he shouted but keep maintaining the low volume.

He is frozen, his face turned paler and his lips are trembling.

“You were just missing after dinner and why is your phone off?” nagged him as didn’t get any responses from Jonghyun. He eyed him from head to toe examining his weird condition. “Yaa, brat!! What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you answer my question?” continued him as suspicious of his condition. He shook Jonghyun’s arms roughly to make him awake.

He began opening his mouth hesitantly still with a blank face, he stuttered for a while before finally let out a sound. “I kissed her, hyung.”

“WHAT??!! Who? What the hell are you trying to say?!” Yonghwa widened his eyes fully as really shocked to his dongsaeng’s short yet unexpected remark.

“I met her and then we kissed, no I kissed her first, hyung,” he continued while rubbing his face with his palms. He walked towards the couch at the corner of the room afterwards, followed by Yonghwa who is still clueless.

“Okay, sit down first. Calm your self down, and tell me what’s going on from the start,” Yonghwa gave up and motioned him to sit down and cooling down to make his mind at least more relax so he can explain clearly.

Jonghyun inhaled deeply before start to tell the story. “I went to see Yoona, she asked me to meet her tonight. We just had some talks, then she got drunk, so I took her home then suddenly . . ”

Then Yonghwa cut his words, “What? But, how come? How could you two meet?” he’s nearly speechless when asking him as really can’t believe of what he just said.

“I don’t know either hyung!” exclaimed him frustrated. “As I told you, she asked me to meet her. I didn’t expect it to be happened. I miss her too hyung, I didn’t have any reasons to turn down her offer.”

Yonghwa sighed deeply, “Why didn’t you tell me about it? I know this is your personal problem. But meeting her in current situation is a little bit worry me.” He keeps sighing deeply as thinking very hard.

“If I told you, wouldn’t you allow me to see her? When I read her text, there’s nothing inside my head except seeing her as soon as possible. I am dying to see her, hyung. I just want to see her face,” responded him desperately.

“Okay, nothing we can do about that anymore. You have met her anyway,” said Yonghwa at last after Jonghyun’s response. “Then, how could you kiss her?” challenged him after.

He paused a while and bit his lips before, “When I was trying to carry her inside, when I saw her face closely . . I don’t know what happened after that I just realized when I kissed her. And she kissed me back.”

“Jinjja this kid!” Yonghwa squealed in frustration. “I thought real man like you doesn’t kiss drunk woman.” His frustrated remark turned into a tease in a second. Apparently he can’t still set aside his choding side.

Jonghyun groaned over his tease.

“Where did you kiss her?” ask Yonghwa again, looks like the interrogation session is still long way to go.

“Inside the car, in front of her dorm.”

“WHATTT??!” he yelled in shock for the second time that night. “Are you crazy? Did you realize that you kiss someone else’s girlfriend in an open space? What if there’re people watching you? Paparazzi is even worse! It could ruin both of your life for God’s sake! Jinjja, I can’t believe this you could do such a thing, Jonghyun.”

“I know, I am sorry hyung,” he looked down feeling so bad over his hyung’s rant. He knew clearly that  his action was clearly wrong, but guess his mind is already messed up with many things. “I just . . I don’t know, it just happened. She grabbed my collar, her face was very close to mine. And she said she needs me. I don’t know what power’s gotten on me that I dare to do that, maybe because I am too longing for her,” continued him softly.

“Sorry for asking this, I am just wondering don’t you think it’s possible that she think of someone else when kissing you since she’s in drunk state?” asked him bluntly.

Jonghyun clenched his fist tighter as affected by his question. “She was calling my name hyung. I am not deaf and not stupid, I heard her calling my name clearly.”

Yonghwa let out a heavy sigh. “Okay, I can understand your feeling, but I just don’t want you get in trouble,” he might be rant to Jonghyun, but that’s all because he concerned about him.

“Believe me hyung, even though I didn’t check out surrounding but I am sure no one there except us. And it’s Japan, we have always been safe here,” assured him while looking into Yonghwa’s eyes intensively.

“Yeah, I hope so. Because if we talk about the risk, it won’t just affect you, but also our group, as you’re part of us. I don’t want to restrict you from doing anything you like, but I hope you can also consider the responsibility you have as our member.” It’s hard for Yonghwa to say that actually, but as a leader he needs to address this issue to the members, because their group is something they want to protect till the end.

“I am sorry hyung, I am sorry . .” he raised his hands covering his face.

“It’s okay, hopefully nothing bad happens because of this,” Yonghwa consoled him by patting his back.

“Then, what are you gonna do?” Yonghwa’s question brought him to another dilemma.

He raised his head and looked straight with his dreamy eyes. His mind suddenly became a cassette player rewinding all scenes from beginning. Start from their meeting, her hidden feelings, her burdens, and then when he kissed her. Still fresh in his memory the taste of her lips, the strawberry scent from her hair mixed with alcohol, and when she said that she needs him, asked him to stay with her, everything keeps playing inside his mind.

“Don’t leave me, Jonghyun-ah, stay with me please. I need you . .”

Those words keep echoing inside his head giving him no break. “That’s it!” shouted him all of sudden surprising Yonghwa beside him. “I am going to tell her everything!” continued him.

“What?” Yonghwa squinted his eyes in disbelieve.

“Yes, I am going to tell her everything. What happened before I broke up with her, my true feelings, I will confess to her how I still love her, which I have always been. Yes, I am going to do this, hyung!” exclaimed him faithfully with stern voice.

This time, Yonghwa can only sighing over his intention. He fixed his seat position then cleared his throat as preparing his speech carefully. “Are you sure about this, Jonghyun-ah?” asked him cautiously.

Jonghyun nodded his head weakly before answering his question, “Yes, hyung. After all of these times I finally realized what I should really do. It isn’t wrong, is it? You said there’s nothing wrong or right in love. Only what I should or shouldn’t do. And this is what I think I should do, hyung. I should’ve done this ever since that person threatened me. I am really bad, I shouldn’t have left her, hyung. She deserves to know the truth,” he exhaled heavily afterwards.

“Yes, I got it. That’s my belief until now. But, you’re a grown up man, right? I hope you can think maturely before making any decisions. Yes, you’ve made a mistake once, hence I don’t want you to make another mistakes. Yoona has new life now, her condition is 100% different with when you left her. Have you considered any consequences you have to take for doing that? Can’t you imagine how Yoona will take your confession after what you’ve done to her? I don’t know, and I can’t say anything about that, but I am sure that it will affect her either positively or negatively. It makes you’re like a gambler, nothing’s certain, you might bet all of your life in this game. Also, please think about us, if something happens, we’re gonna be affected too,” he too exhaled deeply after giving quite long speech.

Without he wants, Yonghwa’s words brought his memory to the moment when he was about to leave Yoona’s dorm, when Taeyeon asked him to do something which she guaranteed would be her first and last time she asked him to do a favor. He could feel his knees are getting weaker. His mind is divided into two sides, tell her, or leave her alone.

If you really care about her, I hope you really leave her for good . .

If you really love her, you know how to let her go . .

Situation gets worse when Yonghwa’s words are also coming into his mind giving more power to “leave her” side.

Yes, you’ve made a mistake once, hence I don’t want you to make another mistakes . .

Also, please think about us, if something happens, we’re gonna be affected too . .

He’s ruffling his hair frustrated. Yonghwa who has been watching his act since then, gives him a soft pat. “Take your time wisely now Jonghyun. Don’t decide something rashly. Make yourself calm first then you can think and take every consideration peacefully.”

Silence covered them as Jonghyun is still in deep thought and contemplation. Yonghwa is accompanying him patiently beside him.

“You’re right, hyung,” said Jonghyun finally breaking the silence.

Yonghwa turned his eyes facing his dongsaeng as anticipating for next.

“It’s like a gambling. There are only two strategies I have in this game. Tell her or leave her. I can back off and doing nothing, live my life as it used to be. But that’s not what I want, because this game will determine what my life would be. My chance is fifty-fifty, like you said she either can forgive me or turn back hating me more. Yeah, hate me even more. Tell me selfish for hurting her heart again, I’ve been hurting her since forever, what makes difference? I don’t care how she will react after I told her. I have prepared myself for losing her forever since I asked her to leave. That’s why she deserves the truth, at least what I can do is not let her deceived for the rest of her life. Believe me, hyung, I promise, I won’t drag any of you into my problem. It’s my OWN problem. If anything happens, I will be responsible as an individual person, as Lee Jonghyun, not CNBlue Jonghyun. I am sorry hyung, I am really sorry for making such a trouble like this,” his voice turned lower when he said sorry. But he said the rest firmly and without hesitance.

Yonghwa sighed deeply for nth times, he’s also wondering how much sigh he let out that night.

“I understand, we believe in you. Me, Minhyuk, Jungshin will always there to support you. We want nothing but your happiness, Jonghyun-ah. So pursue your happiness while you can,” he said with a sincere smile plastered on his face.

Jonghyun was facing him with teary eyes on his face. He has been in many situations where s showed their support. But tonight, his hyung affirms once again how grateful he is for having such brothers like s. “Thank you, hyung, really thank you. I don’t know what I can do without you guys. I am so grateful for having you all beside me.”

Yonghwa let out a light chuckle, he then pat Jonghyun’s back. “I want to hug you, but it’ll be awkward since only two of us here.”

Jonghyun burst into a very very light laughter finally that night.

“So, it’s done, right? Let’s go to bed! We have important events tomorrow, I don’t want you come out tomorrow with your panda eyes,” he said while get up from his seat.

“You go first, hyung, I want to sort out few things first,” responded him.

Yonghwa shrugged off his shoulders and walked away leaving him to bedroom.

“Ah, I forgot to tell you!” Yonghwa shouted surprisingly .

Jonghyun turned his face to him waiting for him to continue.

“Minah called me when you were missing. She was very worried about you because you didn’t reply her message and she couldn’t reach you. She asked me to tell you to take care of yourself. She’s pretty cute you know, and a nice girl.”

Jonghyun furrowed his eyebrows, “Hyung, you know that I don’t . .”

“I know I know. I am just saying though,” cut him still with a teasing smile. “Don’t think too long, brat! Maybe what you need is just open your heart for another one,” added him with a laugh leaving Jonghyun alone, still with his messy own thoughts.

These morning calls to end his nightmare, which one should he takes.

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I feel so bad for updating it in such a long time, but really inspiration doesn't come easily T.T

I am so sorry that you have to read another angst chapter for this story, I just need to do this :(( But you know, a beautiful rainbow usually comes after heavy rain ^^

So, I really thank you for all who stay here to support me, thank you thank you, YOU ARE MY VITAMIN! <333

Please please leave comments because every time I get stuck I will read all comments and gain new strength to continue ^^

Warning: there will be more heart-breaking scene on next chapter.