A sequel to the story "Admired" by Stalkerofsehun. Follow the link and read.

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/707180/5/just-another-scenario-shop-open-korean-request-romance-scenarios-exo-love-scenarioshop

This sequel is made with the permission of the author so no accusation.

Secondly the Original story was requested By Me in her profile so technically Summary belongs to me anyway

Review by

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/542343/world-of-literature-review-shop-closed-finishing-requests-hiring-reviewers-request-review-reviewer-service-reviewshop

1. story title: 3/10

First of all, let me list the positive aspects I gave you three points for: (a): its seemingly invisible - but still perfect -connection to the plot and (b) its appeal for being a one word, standalone title. Reasons why I took a lot of points off this section, however, could be listed up too several more points, which means you need a lot to work on.

In terms originality, I cannot say that “Despise” is a completely, original title. It doesn’t knock my head that it’s fresh and new because the word is not uncommon and sure a lot of stories in this site had used the same word for their titles already. What I’m trying to say here is that your title, “Despise”, did not at all scream its peculiarity, and that is not a good thing to start with.

On top of that, there’s a set of dots we call ellipsis at the end of your title. It doesn’t help. In fact, it makes the title looks less professional. Moreover, the effects that it gives are not at all suitable to the mood. I suggest removing the dots and leave it as Despise. Say the ellipsis weren’t there, I might have given your title a higher appreciation.

Now, onto its power in luring the readers in: Anyone would agree with me that your title is not entirely captivating. I myself would not want to click on the story if I were to find it by accident. Although the word holds a lot of questions – what does the character despise? Who despise what – or who? – it still doesn’t grip your readers’ interest. It is lacking of both visual and literary attraction, and I personally think that it is such a waste. In the future, instead of dwelling too much on my harsh feedback, I hope you can try to explore more vocabularies as well as title-making-guides or ideas in order to improve yourself. Keep up the good work.

2. narrative elements: 19/30

Let us first discuss about your characters. I’ll start with the main lady, Yuki Nakama.

When I first saw her name in the Characters list, my mind directly assumed that she’s Japanese. I got it right, but I have a mixed feeling about it. In the beginning of the story, you did not at all reveal your characters’ background. You started by going straight to the main line of Yuki and Yunho’s life, but there’s a lack of revelation of their backgrounds that I found myself so lost and confused. I did not know anything about both Yuki and Yunho, so it was hard for me to relate to the story. That’s how I felt in the beginning. As I went on, however, you started to reveal her backgrounds bits by bits. It shows her development, but I suggest revealing them earlier in order not to make your readers confused. There’s no need to put character chart or the likes. You just need to introduce your characters to us. Being in the know about your characters’ life allows the readers to relate easier to them.

Now, the problem about Yuki is that she is so indifferent. She is so typical. So Mary Sue, if I may add. She doesn’t have any distinctive traits and it just keeps me away from the state of her liking her. Her reasoning of living under one roof with Yunho is also very unrealistic. The fact that they both met through social media just put me off. For a girl like Yuki, who had experienced the feeling of being “stalked” and “watched” by someone all day long, it is less-likely making sense if she trusts Yunho just because he had experienced the same thing. Yuki should have been more protective towards herself. That’s like the most common psychological effect.

Yunho, on the other side, has the potential to be the most likeable character in the story. His motive in teaming up with Jaejoong is clearly stated and it makes perfect sense. I really like the way you foreshadowed his hidden secret by convincing the readers that he’s in love with Yuki. His reaction when Yuki called him her “best buddy”, for instance, left an impression that he was hurt, that he had expected more. In the end, though, the impression was proved wrong. This is where your plus point lies. Very good job.

Regarding Jaejoong: In all honesty, I did not know that he was actually a real devil until the story reached its end. Not realizing that the genre was fantasy, I read the story assuming that Jae was a stalker; a guy somehow obsessed to Yuki. But when Yuki came home with Yunho greeting him - when his face changed to Jae’s - it just knocked me that you weren’t giving metaphors when you said he was a devil. This is a note for you concerning the lack of descriptions and dramatic effects that you included in the story. I’ll elaborate more on this after a few more sections. Other than that, I think Jaejoong is so vague. The lack of description and background revelation about him makes it hard for me to sketch what he’s like – both mentally and physically.

Overall, I personally think that you have the potential to make your readers relate to your characters. You just need to balance your description and happening events as well as going more into their emotional state.

Now let’s move on to the actual discussion about the story.

To sum it up in a word, the plot is great. Despite some illogical events (like how Yuki and Yunho, two opposite genders who met through social media, decided to live under one roof for no solid reason), I still like the overall storyline. There’s a nice touch of realism which I found mostly in Yunho, and there’s also a nice touch of both trust and fear in Yuki.

Even so, I think it would have been better if you have revealed more about the previous story that was written before this. Many readers actually refuse to read the prequel if they find the sequel by accident  (if you get what I mean). I did not read the story that you continued writing for, so I was a bit lost. Being a sequel doesn’t mean it can’t stand alone. Just describe a few things about Jaejoong in the shot and you’ll be great.

 The twist in the end is especially magnificent. One would have thought that Yunho was in love with Yuki, but you turned it over and created such a great ending. If I were to pick my favorite part of the story, I would have chosen the resolution. Well planned and well written.

The downside of your plot is merely its development. It sure does have some events happening, but in a reader’s point of view, the events did not seem like they were flowing. What you threw were basically words. It’s lacking of both descriptions and the power to “pull” the readers into the story. All the time I was reading the shot, I didn’t feel like I’m inside it. I suggest giving more descriptions of action without forgetting to balance out the emotional conveyances. You are great as of this far, so keep up the good work!

3. narrative design: 15/30

In terms of technique, I must say that your greatest achievement lies behind Yunho. Although the story is written in the third person point of view, you still created a limited access for your readers to go deeper into Yunho’s role, which, in this case, is the most brilliant thing you have done. Foreshadowing Yunho’s real intention makes the twist appears more surprising so it really is a nice touch. Good job!

However, like what I have told you before, you need to work more on your flow. Although you have a steady and good pace, the events aren’t smoothly flowing due to the lack of, once again, descriptions. Try to spend more time to get more words juxtaposed in order to describe both actions and emotions. Not putting enough description will make your transitions become off too. I’ll give you one example:

“Be home soon.”    His voice sounded mocking like.      “Or else something might happen to your best bud!”

“Yunho!”   she huffed out guessing he could do something to her friend. She ran home and rang the door bell multiple times and it was quickly opened by Yunho.

“What’s wrong? Why did you ring so many times? Do you need the washroom?”

Here’s how I’d write it if I were you:

“Be home soon.”

Yuki could feel her legs trembling in between her steps, but she did not stop running.  His voice haunted her like it was merging with the wind, with the suffocating air that surrounded her. “Be home soon, Yuki,” the voice repeated. “You might lose your friend if you don’t.”

It felt like a sharp knife was stabbing her chest repeatedly, causing her breath to hitch over and over again. She did not know what to do. Her legs brought her running toward Yunho’s apartment because he’s the only one she could think of. He’s the only friend she’s got, and she’s not going to allow the devil to take him away from her. Yunho was her only treasure, her only shoulders to lean onto. She could not lose him. She could not let the devil hurt him.

Thus, when she saw Yunho’s entire body normal and untouched after running upstairs and ringing the bell incessantly, she heaved a sigh in relieve. He was okay.

Do you see what I mean? Giving more descriptions will enhance the emphasis of your characters’ feelings as well as the actions that they do in the scenes. Not that what I wrote was the best example (I at writing too otl), but I hope it can give you a brief preview as to what my feedbacks mean.

Other than that, one thing that I noticed about the story is that it is so dialogue-heavy. If you just scan through the chapters by doing a quick scroll, you could directly notice that there are barely any long paragraphs inside it. The contents are basically filled up with merely dialogues and short sentences.  I hate to keep on repeating this, but you need to put more descriptions into your story.

While writing, spend some time to close your eyes and imagine the particular scene you are about to write. Change your imagination into words and keep in mind that we, readers, cannot read your thoughts. You need to put more effort in describing what you have imagined in order for us to draw the exact same thing in our heads. That being said, you need to balance out your direct speeches and descriptions. Make sure that neither of the two aspects is too overwhelming.

4. descriptiveness of the story: 13/30

Firstly, I want you to know that the genres of Despise are entirely my cup of tea. A mix of angst, psychological, thriller, fantasy and a slightly implied romance. Your story has a big potential to win me over. Unfortunately, it did not.

Truthfully, I can’t even determine the right genre for Despise. I cannot call it angst for it’s not that depressing. I can’t consider it psychological because you barely explored the characters’ mental state. I can’t even call it fantasy because I only realized that Jae was a real devil until the story nears its resolution.  What I’m trying to say here is that the entirety of the story is so vague. It seems like you want to emphasize on some things but you just failed in the process of creating the emphasis. Some factors that cause this problems are basically the quality of description (which I have repeated so many times already), the tone of the story (it’s not thrilling when it’s supposed to be; it’s not sad when it’s supposed to be) and your writing style (the mislead of figurative language and metaphors used). In the future, it’d be great if you put more attention into these three major aspects.

OVERALL SCORE: 50/100

REVIEWED BY: macchiato-

REVIEWER’S NOTES: hi there! Let me first give you thousands of virtual hugs as a form of apology for handing this review late. Real life just occupied everything I barely have time to write this word-heavy review (I am just so good at rambling, sorry about that lol). Please don’t dwell too much on the score. It’s not that you’re not good: You are just in the process of improving. Every writer is in the process of improving, including me. Hence, with all the feedbacks that I’ve put in this review, I hope you will explore more about yourself as a writer and keep making efforts to be better. I also hope that you aren’t offended by the review that I wrote you. Feel free to have your say when you pick this review up, and don’t forget to credit the shop in your foreword! Have a nice day!