Seungho

Listen to this song as you read <3

Where do I begin?

I’ve always seen this girl as an amazing person. I’ve always thought that there is something special about her. I’ve always had these unsaid feelings for her.

I remember when I first saw her. My friend who was also her friend called me and she was just right beside him with her other friends. There was something in her eyes that caught my attention. She had beautiful eyes. But I was mostly captivated with the way she talked. I thought I wouldn’t see her again. But I did.

I’ve seen her wearing that cute beautiful dress during the acquaintance party. She was like a doll. She was gorgeous. On that same day, I saw her fell down and her friends laughed at her. She quickly stood up as if nothing happened.

I’ve seen her cry… but even though she had red eyes and face, she was always beautiful in my eyes.

Sometimes, I’d see her coming in the library. We’d have that brief eye-to-eye contact I wished was longer. There was one time that she looked at me longer than 5 seconds. I thought, maybe I caught her attention too? But it can’t be. No one had ever said they liked me. Sometimes I hear my friends saying that South Koreans and North Koreans together is a complete no-no. Most of their parents don’t like people from the North. And vice-versa. Even my parents want me to marry a North Korean.

There were times when I caught her sleeping in the library or in the internet section. I even saw the librarian scold her for falling asleep and her friends would . I also saw her studying with her friends in the library, or just laugh and make some noise with them. She was simply… beautiful. But she doesn’t know.

Sleepy head. I remember when I discussed in their class, and she was in the front seat. She looked so sleepy and all, I can’t even feel her eyes or ears on me. I wanted to question her about what she understood in my lesson, but I had no guts to call her. Maybe I was afraid she’d get embarrassed in front of the class.

I’ve seen her crazy and weird self. I’ve seen her when she didn’t. I heard her when no one else listened. I was there when she didn’t know I was.

I’ve seen her lazy side while going upstairs and complaining how tiring it is. I’ve seen her pass by our classroom. I’ve seen her pass by me with her eyes on me. I was so unsure whether or not should I smile.

I’ve seen her wore all red before Valentine’s Day. I wanted to say something about her outfit, but Minho said it first before I could even find my words.

I remember when she was my student in obtaining vital signs. She always made me smile. She made me laugh. She made me happy. She made me pay attention to her when I wasn’t looking at her.

I felt her gaze while I was taking her vital signs. There was something about her that made me feel uneasy whenever she was close.  I’ve never been that close to her.

I’ve also seen the way she ran, the way she walked… the way she touches her hair. I’ve seen her drawing. One time, I wished she could draw me.

I’ve seen her with other boys. I’ve seen how those boys looked at her.

I’ve seen her sticky note on the bulletin after Valentine’s Day. I thought it could be just someone else… But there were so many signs it was her aside from seeing the same words on her Facebook status ‘If I was her, would you love me?’

Seungho-oppa. If I was her, would you love me? LOL.

I’ve seen myself happy and inspired again.

I've heard her voice on my phone. I've sung to her. I promised her to sing in front of her, but I never had the chance to.

Maybe it was just a crush. Maybe liking her was just to help me get over this girl whom I know will never love me back. I was so angry at myself, why couldn’t she love me back? Why did I want to move on and give up? Why did this little girl whose named Jiyeon, came into my life, and made me confuse about my feelings? I don’t blame her. I don’t blame anybody else. I was just blaming myself because I was unsure about my feelings. About myself. I couldn’t find myself. I had to find myself.

 “Ahh… She doesn’t like me. Hyosung will never like me…because I’m ugly.” I told Yuri, Jiyeon’s friend, when she asked.

“Oppa! You shouldn’t give up! Nurses never give up!” I remember her say.

But I gave up on Hyosung.

I let her go, and I was happier.

I thought I could start over and make Jiyeon feel special. The two of us got close. But I was scared. I was scared a lot of guys probably wanted her. I was scared that maybe, I’m just her idol and it will never be more than that. “Oppa, do you know, you’re like…cannot be reach!” She once told me.

She never called me by my name.

She always called me ‘Oppa’.

I always thought she was like a little sister to me.

I always thought that I’d be in danger if she continues to call me ‘Oppa’.

I always thought that I was only a brother to her.

I always wanted to hold her hand longer. I always wanted to stay longer with her, talking or just doing nothing, if only she asked me to. I always wanted to hug her and thank her for being there when I needed her. I always wanted her to look for me, ask me to be there for her. I always wanted to hear from her… but I never heard her say ‘I need you’.

I wanted to do anything for her. I wanted her to ask me to do something for her, but she never said anything. I was always waiting… I was beginning to lose hope. Thought that maybe it’s not love she felt for me. It must have been infatuation. Or maybe, she likes a lot of guys. It’s not just me.

“Just forget about her,” Minho said. “Maybe she’s just trying to get to you, make you fall and then just leave you. She must have a lot of crushes like Yuri does. Or she could be just using you-“

“Ya. Stop it.” I told Minho. “I don’t wanna hear anymore.”

“Yuri told me about Jiyeon. She said Jiyeon likes both you and me.” Minho blurted out. I just looked down.

I believed Minho. I knew that it was possible for a girl to like more than one guy. I knew what she had on me will disappear any time… That maybe I shouldn’t let myself too attached to her.

But I couldn’t help myself. I would always text her first. Sometimes twice a week. I’ve asked her to eat with me, but I don’t know why she keeps refusing me. She keeps saying she had eaten already- but part of me was telling me that maybe she just doesn’t want to eat with me. Then every time I ask her about her whereabouts, she wouldn’t answer me directly. I wished she didn’t tell me because she had to move on and forget about me- than think of the truth that she just doesn’t like me anymore that’s why she won’t tell me where she is.

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know…what to feel for her.

Looking far away, I only watch her. I just watch her when she's not looking.

I couldn’t take her off my mind. She was always on my mind. I was scared that she never thought of me.

On my graduation day, I’ve received a scheduled message from her which she sent February 23, but I received it on April 4. I wanted to tell her so many things… I wanted to give her a long message.

‘Oppa! I will always be your 0.001 Fan! You’re my idol!’

Fan? I smirked. Was I really just her idol? Was I just a brother to her? I wanted to tell her… I wanted to ask her. Part of me really wanted to. I’ve told my mom about her, but mom doesn’t like the idea that I’ve fallen for a young girl who’s only in her first year of college. And that, she’s not a North Korean. I was born in North Korea, but lived the rest of the years in South Korea. Here in this place, I learned more about myself… I learned I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to make my family proud of me.

‘Someday, if we meet again, you should already be a registered nurse by then.’ That was one of my replies to her message for me.

After that… I didn’t receive any text from her anymore. Just… nothing. I don’t know her reaction. I don’t know if she read it. I don’t know if she liked it or if she hated it. I had no idea.

I was waiting for her on that day of my graduation. I thought maybe she would come and take a look.

I never saw her again.

"Baby girl, where are you?"

"Somewhere only I know."

"How can I get to you if you don't tell me where you are?"

"Why would you come to me?"

"Because I missed you."

"Hahaha."

"Ya. Where are you?"

"You don't need to know."

If she told me...

Maybe I could have confessed.

But she didn't.

I loved her. I really did love her. Until now, I still love her. I know deep inside me, I miss her. I want to see her again.

I let her go… but I just keep on coming back to her.