Seungho

Listen to this song as you read <3

''Psychology says, the deeper your feelings, the harder they are to express.''

When she didn't tell me her whereabouts, I searched for her despite the hard rain falling. I was worried about her so I went to look for her, make sure she's somewhere safe. It didn't matter if I got soaked in the rain, all that mattered was her. She could be just anywhere. Maybe she's in an internet cafe or in school... but when I got there, she wasn't there.  I also went to the eatery where her dormitory is also located. The girl who worked there approached me in surprise. I remember her last March 1, when I first dine out with Jiyeon. She even said that we looked good together.

"Oh, are you alright? You're so wet!" She exclaimed.

"Ahh. Miss, have you seen... Jiyeon? You know her right?" I asked.

"Jiyeon? She left yesterday already." She replied. "Did you come for her?"

"Ahh," I sighed. "Where did she go?"

"She said she's going home, to Gwangju."

"Gwangju?" 

Now how am I supposed to find her in Gwangju from here in Busan? I just chuckled; as if it was funny she didn't tell me she's not in Busan anymore. I wasted my time on looking for her. I wasted my energy... I wasted my sacrifice of getting soaked under the rain that only came to nothing.

Does she hate to see me? Is she trying to stay away from me? So many questions came up into my mind, all unanswered. Heading back to my dorm, I felt really sick. After taking a shower, I went straight to bed.

On April 5, I went to Seoul to take my doctoral exam. I took it together with my ex-girlfriend. I remember when I mentioned my ex-girlfriend to Jiyeon. She sounded really happy back then that I was together with her, even said that maybe we could get back together again.

Just as I thought. When I met Sora again during the exam, she didn't change at all. Still that beautiful lady I fell in love with. However, there was no spark. It was a long time ago. Jiyeon thought wrong about us getting back together, it just wasn't possible when I was so in love with her not Sora. All day and night, I thought of only Jiyeon. Every place I went to, I wished she was with me; holding my hand.

Upon arriving back to Busan, I decided to call her. 1...2...3... she answered the phone.
"Hello?" Her voice sounded a bit different, a bit weak.
"Jiyeon..."
"Who's this...?" For a moment, I was unable to speak, buffering over her question.
"It's me... Seungho-oppa."
"Oh..."
"Jiyeon?"
"Oppa. Hey..."
"How are you?"
"Oh... I'm fine... Why did you call?"
"...I missed you."
She chuckled, "Ahh. Seriously?"
"Yeah... Seriously."
"Ahh..."
"Are you going to school tomorrow?"
"No...I didn't enroll for the summer class."
"What? Why not?"
"It was my parents' decision..."
"But you will be delayed if you don't enter the summer class," I explained everything. That it was a bad idea not to take the summer class.
"I know... Where are you?"
"I'm back in Busan... You?"
"You're back already?"
"Yeah... How about you?"
"I'm in the hospital."
"What? Why? What happened to you?"
"No. It's-"
"Are you sick?"
"No-"
"Tell me, which hospital? Are you sick? Is that why you didn't-"

''Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.''

Should I go find her? No. I shouldn't right? It seems like she deleted my number that explains why she asked who I was. Maybe she doesn't really like me. Or maybe, it's the other way. I smiled at myself, actually unsure of what to feel. Should I be happy that at least she answered my phone or sad because she obviously deleted my number? I wanted to ask her why exactly my number wasn't saved on her phone, did she delete everyone or is it just me? I shook my head while clutching my heart, "Jiyeon-ah, what exactly are you? Why are you making me feeling this way?"

I should just forget about her. I should, right?

"Oppa! Hi Oppa!" I remember those days. Her bright smile, her cute voice. "Oppa! Oppa!" The way she calls me 'oppa'. I remember those days when we'd cross each other in the street. That moment when I first felt her touch, her hands. Her priceless look when I appeared behind her to surprise her. The way she cried and turned away from me saying 'It's nothing', when something was obviously wrong. I remember the way she laughed... Those moments I wished I could freeze and live in it forever.

''Never regret anything that once made you smile and never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.''

I tried my best not to miss her, most especially because we're apart and I gave up on the hope of seeing her again.

I managed not to think about her for a day or two (at least not all the time) with the help of going out with my friends. I also went to look for a job with my friends, just for experience while class hasn't started yet. Part of me still wanted to see her, at least once...Just to make sure if the feeling's still there or if it's gone.

Minho and Jae invited me to go with them to Gwangju one day. Jiyeon pop up into my mind. I wanted so badly to meet her there, I even tried calling her but she wasn't answering her phone. "What's wrong? She's not answering?" Minho asked. I nodded.

"Maybe she's finally moved on." Jae laughed. "I told you, it's dangerous if she keeps calling you 'Oppa'. She probably thought you just sent her to the sister-zoned."

"But I didn't." I said.

"You dork," Jae said. "If you had feelings for her, you should have told her from the beginning!"

"That's right," Minho said.

"She might not feel the same way..."

"So what?" Jae laughed. "That's life, Seungho."

"Is this because of what I told you before? That she likes both of us?" Minho added while driving.

"Yeah, I actually believed that." I said.

"Just forget about it. Yuri might have been joking. You know, Yuri is really thick-faced. She confessed she likes me, and probably just added Jiyeon just for excuse that she's not the only one who likes me." MInho explained. "Maybe she actually likes you." 

"Didn't you ask her before about me? She said she'll get over me easily right?" I asked.

"Yeah, she said she will. But what if she's not over you yet? Aish. Just forget about that also." Minho shook his head. "You're so hard-headed."

"I have a suggestion," Jae cut in. "If you see her in Gwangju, you should approach her and tell her everything that you missed."

"Gwangju is such a big place..." I said. "I bet I won’t see her."

"You will see her. And by that time you see her, don't ever let her go again. Don't turn back your feelings. You have to be brave and let her know the truth." Jae said and we stared at him in silence. Until, we burst out laughing. He was right, I've been such a dork that I couldn't even confess to her I feel something for her.

"Soon..." I said while looking out the window. "If I could, I would come visit her right now." I added before drifting to sleep.

''You and I will meet again, when we're least expecting it. One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face. I won't say goodbye, for you and I will meet again.''

It was 12 noon when we dropped in to Gwangju. Minho stopped the car nearby a restaurant located in Yudong Street. Jae suggested that he's going to pay for our lunch since his father gave him his allowance. Minho and I took a table and waited there. I looked around just in case she happens to pass by.

"What are you looking at?" Minho snaps.

I looked at him then took a sip of water, "Nothing."

"As if I don't know you." He smirked. "Did you try calling her?"

"No," I replied. "She didn't answer earlier. Why would she answer now?"

"Maybe there was no signal."

"Impossible," I said and looked at the lady talking to the guard. Minho continued talking, encouraging me for the first time. It wasn't like him. Back when we still haven't graduated yet, he kept on discouraging me.

"God. I know you miss her, Seungho. I can see it in you. You've fallen in love to a kid." He said.

"She's 18. She's not 13. She's not a kid," I said, still looking at that lady's back. Her hair seemed familiar but when is she coming in to show her face? "She acts like a kid, but that's what makes her attractive." I added and...  

It was her. She was that girl talking to the guard. She was carrying a folder with her. She was looking for someone. I was waiting for her to turn my way. Please look at me, please. Minho was talking but I don't get anything he was saying. I was too busy staring at that beautiful creature. I've missed her so much and now she was just in front of me- yet she doesn't see me.

"Ya. Seungho, are you listening to me?" Minho louden his voice. I glared at him unconsciously.

"What?" I asked, a bit furious.

"What is wrong with you? Why aren't you listening? I'm asking if you would like to stay at my Grandparents house, for an overnight. It's their anniversary and they said they don't mind me bringing my friends there." Minho said.

"Oh..." I sighed. "Sure." Then I looked at that spot where I last saw her, she wasn't there anymore. Where is she? Was I just daydreaming when I thought I saw her? I shook my head and stood up, "I'll just go to the comfort room."

"Yeah sure, take your time, dude." Minho said.

''Dreams are like stars. You may never touch them but if you follow them, they will lead you to your destiny.''

The room was spinning. Or is it just me? Spinning because of overthinking? I washed my face, erasing her image from my mind as if it could get washed away along with the water. I should be concentrating on getting a job for experience and not stroll around Gwangju just to find her. Gwangju is a big city, how am I supposed to find someone who won’t even tell me where she is?

Shortly, I opened the door. Just as I was about to step out of the male's comfort room, she was right in front of me, reading whatever it was on that folder (she's probably here to apply for a part-time job). I was frozen on my spot. She didn't notice me, she just continued walking and I hear her mumble to herself "I can do this!"

I closed the door behind me and took a step towards her. I need to talk to her. I want to follow her. I can do this.

"Jiyeon-ah!"

I flinched. Someone else called her first.