That One Person, You  - SNSD's Jessica

“… I’m going to ask Bomi to be my wife.”

“Seoul Boy, what would you do without me?”

***

Jongin didn’t really remember what happened after that.

He thought he left the café without any more word, pushing his chair back hastily and made a screeching sound with it in the process. He didn’t remember saying goodbye to Kyungsoo. He probably didn’t.

Jongin also didn’t remember how he got back home to his room. Or how he left the apartment roughly ten minutes later. When he came back to his senses, he’s already standing outside Bomi’s bakery, waiting for the girl.

Bomi was surprised to find Jongin outside after her shift, because Jongin didn’t tell her that he would pick her up. As far as Bomi knew, Jongin should be in the academy right now.

“Seoul Boy, I thought you have practices… What’s with the bags?” her eyebrows automatically raised seeing the stuffed duffel bag Jongin carried along with his backpack. Even when he had to bring spare clothes for his dance practice, Jongin never brought two bags with him.

For once, when Bomi needed him to talk, Jongin couldn’t. He could only stare at his best friend and whatever it was on his expression that Bomi saw, it worried her.

“Jongin,” Bomi stepped up and touched Jongin’s arm, eyes filled with concern. “What’s wrong?”

Jongin swallowed. Everything, he wanted to say, Everything is wrong and I don’t know how it starts or how to make it right again, but instead he said, “Can we—Can we go? Away?” That didn’t answer her question, Jongin knew, but that’s all he wanted to do right now; went away, somewhere far. A place that didn’t know their names and their story, and maybe Jongin could pretend that everything’s okay there.

Bomi stared back at him for a while. Jongin supposed she needed a better explanation, but he didn’t have any.

“… For how long?” but Bomi only asked him that quietly. “A couple days?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“You already pack my clothes?” Jongin nodded, avoiding Bomi’s eyes. “Can you wait here a little bit? I’ll talk to my boss, he’s still inside.”

Even when they’re already seated in the bus, Bomi still didn’t ask Jongin what happened, why suddenly Jongin asked her to go with him. She just chatted happily like usual, telling him about her day as if they’re on their way home, and she even remembered to buy Jongin’s favorite donut before she left the bakery.

When they arrived at the station, Jongin stared at the information screen nervously. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t plan anything; where to go, where to stay. He bit on his lower lips and then on it. 

Bomi peered at him from the side. “Do we know where are we going?”

Slowly, Jongin shook his head, taking note of how Bomi said we instead of you.

Jongin practically dragged her into this and Bomi still said we.

“Should I choose, then?” Bomi looked back to the information screen and tapped her chin thoughtfully. “… I don’t think you want to go home,” she said, not even as much as glancing at Jongin.

Jongin didn’t need to answer, he knew that Bomi knew.

“So, a place that we’ve never been to before…,” her eyes went up and down, reading each destination written on the board. They stopped at one particular line. “… How about Mokpo?”

They ended buying two tickets to Mokpo, and during the trip, not once Bomi asked why. Even when she opened her phone, about to text Kyungsoo and Jongin stopped her without a word, Bomi didn’t ask. She simply turned off her phone and put it back to her bag, smiling to Jongin after; reassuring, comforting.

Jongin rested his head on Bomi’s shoulder and tried to sleep – so he wouldn’t need to face the reality in front of him.

Because now at age 22, Jongin was still the same selfish guy as he was when he’s 18.

***

Around two hours later they arrived in Mokpo, and they found an affordable inn and rented a room with double twin beds with a view to the sea. It didn’t take long for Bomi to jumping around in her heels and having Jongin accompany her for a walk around the area.

Later that night, Jongin got out of the shower and found Bomi on her bed, lying on her stomach with legs up in the air, playing with her phone. His stomach dropped instantly, remembering Kyungsoo and his words, and Jongin’s steps halted, one hand still clutching the towel on top of his head because he’s drying his hair.

Bomi noticed him and glanced over her shoulder. “Hm? Ah, I put it on flight mode,” she said lightly as if it’s the normal thing to do, waving her phone and Jongin could see the game she’s playing. His tensed shoulder relaxed immediately.

Jongin felt guilty, he felt horrible, but he just couldn’t help it.

“Jongin-ah,” Bomi sat up and brought several brochures to Jongin’s attention, pulling Jongin to sit beside her on the bed. “Earlier, I took some brochures from the receptionist, about the tourist attractions around here. Do you think we can visit them tomorrow?”

He didn’t need to look at those brochures or to check the places Bomi wanted to visit. “Yeah, of course.”

Bomi beamed at him and Jongin vividly remember every smile he received from the girl over the years, even from the very first time he saw her, in their ugly middle school uniform, hair falling to her shoulders.

There’s a knot on Jongin’s stomach, impossible to untangled, and there’s an invisible hand clenching his heart. He wanted so, so bad, and he stopped himself from reaching out by balling up his fist to the towel in his lap. He forced himself to smile back before looking down to the brochures.

Bomi was babbling excitedly, explaining the brochures with the information she got from the receptionist, pointing at the pictures and Jongin nodded along.

He wanted to ask Bomi why she didn’t ask, what’s on her mind when Jongin took her away like this, telling her not to contact Kyungsoo. He thought of Naeun, wondering whether the girl was looking for him, calling him. And Jongin remembered Kyungsoo, the way he looked at Bomi, his Bomi, the way he looked at Jongin, the way he looked at Jongin when he’s together with Bomi…

“You’re a fool,” Sehun said.

“Jongin-ah,” Bomi touched Jongin’s arm lightly, and Jongin snapped awake.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly said, trying to remember the last thing Bomi said to him.

Bomi just smiled at him, and then showed him one particular brochure of a restaurant.

They spent some times planning their day tomorrow, and it’s almost eleven thirty when Bomi finally yawned and curled up under the duvet. Jongin was the one who stood up to turned off the lights. He slipped in under his own duvet and faced Bomi, noticing the girl did the same. Under the dim light from the desk lamp they left on, Jongin saw her grinning.

“This is exciting,” Bomi said in a whisper. “When was the last time we take a vacation together? Ah, Seoul Boy, do you tell anyone we’re here?”

Jongin shook his head, swallowing down because he’s not making any sense. He expected Bomi to ask about it anytime now.

“Okay,” but the reply was so easy and Jongin stared at Bomi. She was the one who facing the lights, so she shouldn’t be able to look clearly at Jongin’s face, but Jongin could see her just fine, and Bomi was still grinning. Suddenly, she reached out her hand, her pinky finger sticking out. “… Then, it’ll be our secret.”

Hesitantly, Jongin linked his pinky finger with Bomi’s – their hands met between the two beds.

Bomi pressed their thumbs into each other. “It’s a promise!” She smiled at Jongin, one that he couldn’t return, and their hands stayed connected a little longer.

Jongin didn’t want to let go.

***

Morning came too early and Jongin automatically searched for his phone from under his pillow, but then he realized that he’s not in his apartment’s room. He opened his eyes and immediately greeted by the sight of the sleeping Bomi on the other bed, looking nowhere near graceful with her bad sleeping habit, tossing and turning around in her sleep.

He remembered the first time he saw Bomi sleeping. It was during math, a few months after Jongin moved to the town, and he turned around to borrow a pen and was met with the sight of the sleeping girl. She rested her head on an opened book, fingers still curled on a pen and it would look like she’s taking notes. He glanced at Daehyun who sat behind Bomi, and the boy just shrugged with an amused smile. Jongin took it that was not the first time Bomi fell asleep during class.

He didn’t wake her up, only fixing his position slightly to cover her.

That’s the first of the next countless times, both in class or in her room or in his room.

Jongin thought of never seeing Bomi’s sleeping face again, and Jongin thought of Kyungsoo being the one who wake up next to her every morning.

There’s so much about Bomi he took for granted.

He moved closer to the edge of his bed, wanting to close the distance between them as much as possible, but there’s years between them and Jongin was running out of time.

Shutting his eyes, Jongin let the faint sound of sea waves lulled him back to sleep.

***

There were fingers carding through his hair, scraping lightly on his scalp along with a soft whisper of, “Jongin-ah, wake up,” and Jongin didn’t know whether it’s supposed to wake him up or put him back to sleep because it’s so comfortable.

He fluttered awake, welcomed by Bomi who’s hovering over his bed, his hair. She smiled wider when Jongin opened his eyes. “Good morning, Seoul Boy! You sleep so well, usually you wake up earlier than me.”

Jongin sat up and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Almost nine,” Bomi answered, trying to fix Jongin’s bed hair. “We still have some time for breakfast. Or should we eat outside?”

“… Let’s eat here… We should save money…,” Jongin mumbled sleepily before he got up and took a shower.

They left the inn thirty minutes later, with the city’s map in hand and information from the receptionist which bus they should take if they’re going to The Mokpo Natural History Museum, a museum that contained large collection of fossils from all over the world.

Jongin paid 6000 won for the admission, and Bomi was already restless while waiting, ready to drag Jongin inside.

The place was not crowded, maybe because it’s not holiday season, and the fact secretly pleased Jongin because he was not very fond with crowded places. Bomi didn’t mind, but she also enjoyed the serenity of the place and they took their time looking at each shelves and diorama.

“Woaah,” Bomi looked up, admiring the dinosaur’s fossils in front of her in the middle of the room. “This is sooo cool. Sehun will love this,” she mumbled offhandedly.

Jongin glanced at the mention of their best friend.

If he’s being honest, towards Sehun, he had always been jealous.

Because Sehun was Bomi’s best friend, the one that understood her well, the one that always by her side, the one who’s able to clung to her shamelessly and confessed his feelings.

While Jongin was number two, and he could only hope Bomi chose him.

“Yeah,” he looked away from Bomi, “Yeah, he will.”

They finished in an hour and decided to walk to the next destination, Gatbawi Rock, which, according to the brochure in Bomi’s hand, was the name of a rock that resembled a man wearing a gat, Korean’s traditional hat.

The two walked over Bohaenggyo Bridge, a pedestrian bridge that leads out over the sea to Gatbawi Rock, and they stopped there to take pictures. After taking turns posing for the camera, Bomi pulled Jongin so they could take a selca together.

Jongin was standing behind Bomi, leaning to the wooden rail, and Bomi raised her camera in front of them. “Jongin-ah, come closer, you’re not in the picture,” Bomi said, stepping back a little and her back pressed gently to Jongin’s chest. Jongin leaned forward, his cheek almost touched Bomi’s. “Ready? One, two, three! … Ah, pretty!” Bomi looked satisfied after she checked the result. “Should we take one more?”

When was the first time they take a picture together? Jongin’s first Christmas in the town? The school’s festival? New year’s party? Jongin wasn’t sure, but he knew he had, perhaps, hundreds of Bomi’s photos. Between the two of them, Bomi was the one who liked taking pictures, and Jongin just copied them all from Bomi’s camera and phone without filtering it. As the result he also had Bomi’s pictures with her friends that didn’t have Jongin in it, Bomi’s selca, and even Kyungsoo’s photos.

The one that he kept in his wallet behind Naeun’s photo was taken during their middle school’s graduation, just the two of them, taken by Bomi’s father. It’s already been there since they printed out the photo, a few days after the graduation.

Guess Jongin was indeed a fool.

“Which side of it looks like a man wearing a gat?” Bomi questioned loudly, tilting her head. They already reached Gatbawi Rock.

“Maybe…,” Jongin moved back to take a better look. “From here…?” He pulled Bomi by her elbow and positioned her.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “It does look like a gat from here!” Bomi stared at the rock for a moment, and there’s something different on her look when she smiled quietly, taking out her camera and looking up to Jongin. “Let’s take more pictures?”

At noon they went to the fish market and searched for a well-known eating place that served hongeo, a strong smelling fermented cuisine featuring the skate. Supposedly, Mokpo was famous for the dish, so Bomi wanted to try it out.

“Not your taste?” Bomi asked, watching intently at how Jongin’s face scrunched up after the first bite of the fish.

Jongin shook his head, gulping down the water without a word. The taste was maybe, edible, but Jongin couldn’t stand the smell of it. The place’s owner laughed airily at him.

“Ah, we’re sorry, this kid is really picky about food,” Bomi bowed her head, but the owner just waved his hand.

“It’s alright, not everyone like the strong smell.”

“I’m not that picky,” Jongin said after Bomi’s attention returned to him. “I always eat whatever you made for me.”

“Because you will starve if you don’t eat them,” she stuck out her tongue, giving the dish that Jongin could eat to his plate while she took the hongeo.

Jongin was about to open his mouth, that no, he didn’t eat Bomi’s food just because, that he would eat anything if she cooked it for him even if they tasted bad, but the food she made was always delicious and Jongin liked them—

His eyes widened a little, and Jongin blinked, once, twice, looking up at Bomi.

Realizing Jongin’s stare at him, Bomi frowned. “Hm? Don’t tell me you also can’t eat this one?”

“… Ah, no, this one is fine,” Jongin answered and Bomi nodded, going back to her lunch.

Maybe he was indeed picky, and what he didn’t realize was Bomi always made sure she cooked according to his preference, leaving behind the ingredients he didn’t like.

“You’re a fool,” Sehun said. “Both of you.”

“Jongin-ah, the rice will get cold if you just stare at them like that,” Bomi reminded him and Jongin nodded, moving his fingers on his chopsticks slowly.

***

“Aren’t you cold?” Jongin questioned, and even though Bomi shook her head, still Jongin reached out to button up Bomi’s coat properly. Night had fallen upon the city, and it’s getting much colder than the day.

They were sitting on one of the benches near the top of Yudalsan Mountain, purposely visiting the mountain last today since they wanted to see the view from up there both during daytime and during the night. The panoramic view of the entire city of Mokpo and the sea was beautiful, and Bomi already abused her camera with the amount of pictures she took. Now they just sat around, enjoying the scenery.

Jongin finished buttoning Bomi’s coat and Bomi glanced up at him, grinning.

“Thank you, Jongin.”

Anytime, Bomi, was already on the tip of Jongin’s tongue, because that was their thing, but the way Bomi looked at him as if she trusted her life on him was too much for Jongin.

What was he doing?

He took someone’s girlfriend with him, 300 km away from Seoul, and his own girlfriend probably worried about his whereabouts, for what? He didn’t come here just for a vacation, sight-seeing, spending times; times that Jongin didn’t have.

The time was up and Jongin could no longer run nor pretend.

“… Kim Jongin,” Bomi’s voice was soft as she touched Jongin’s hands; they were still on Bomi’s coat. “Won’t you tell me what happened?”

Slowly, Jongin dropped his hands, looking down to the ground, feeling his throat clogging up. “Kyungsoo Hyung is going to propose you.”

He didn’t see Bomi’s expression, but she was silent for a moment before she finally said, “… Ah… r-really? Did… did he tell you that… or…?”  Jongin was too tired to think whether Bomi sounded happy or not.

“Yes,” he answered, rubbing his face harshly.

“… Oh… I… see.”

This time Jongin turned to Bomi, and she just, simply, looked in daze. More than delighted, she looked surprised, and maybe even confused.

His mouth moved faster than his brain. “Will you run away with me?”

Bomi turned her head in a snap. “What did you say?”

What was he doing? He should shut his mouth—, “Bomi, I—I can’t,” he swallowed down, staring at Bomi, and continued with a smaller voice barely above a whisper, “… I don’t want to lose you. I can’t.”

The words seemed to strike Bomi for a split second before she appeared to realize something. Chuckling, she said, “Seoul Boy, are you pulling a ‘Sehun’ now? I’m not going anywhere, even if...,” she paused, thinking over her words, “… Even if Kyungsoo Oppa does propose, it’s not like I’m going away… I will always be there for you.”

How could Jongin let her go when she said things like that?

“You don’t understand, it’s not like that!” Jongin raised his tone in despair. “I—To you, I…” He didn’t know whether he’s 14, 18, or 22. He wanted to cry. “Bomi-ah…,” Jongin called out weakly, because he had nothing left if he lost her. “I love you…”

Jongin watched what the effect his words had over Bomi, how the blood drained from her face and she’s frozen in place, how the way Bomi stared at him changed, from the usual understanding into an upset one.

“I… care about you too,” she said, but her voice was shaky and her fingers were trembling as she looked away, avoiding Jongin’s eyes. “But you shouldn’t say it like that…”

“No!” he pulled Bomi’s arm, forcing her to look at him, because maybe, maybe she would understand what Jongin never did until Kyungsoo told him. “Bomi… Not like that….”

Bomi stared at him, lost and helpless, and Jongin felt like he’s being hit by a truck. That something else that’s always on the way Bomi looked at him, the one Jongin never quite figured out…

It was love, wasn’t it?

“… Since when?” he heard his own voice asking.

She pulled back her arm from Jongin’s grip, refusing to answer or to look at him. But she failed to stop the tears that rolled down on her cheek, and Bomi quickly wiped it away.

Jongin was afraid of the answer. “… When we moved to Seoul?”

Bomi didn’t say anything, sniffing quietly.

“High school… after you broke up with Kyungsoo Hyung…? … Our first year?” Still no answer, and Jongin felt a punch on his gut. “… All this time…?”

The way Bomi flinched answered Jongin’s question.

“… GOD!” he shouted angrily, covering his face with his hands. “Why you didn’t say anything! I never thought—”

“Are you honestly don’t know?!” Bomi snapped back at him, and no, Jongin couldn’t say confidently that he didn’t know. Why Bomi chose to go to K High School, why she went to Seoul with him… He’s just never brave enough to think about it.

There’s a loud silence between them and it’s not something that either of them could fill, not with Jongin’s awkward and quiet saying or even with Bomi’s warm and  heartily laugh, because there were more days than they could count and more words that they could say in that silence. There were memories, memories of events and moments and signs, signs that should tell them that were always, always, more than just friends.

“What you said…,” Bomi’s shaky voice cut through Jongin’s hazy mind, “… earlier… Are you really…? Or is it just because Kyungsoo Oppa…”

Jongin understood the question, and he shook his head. “I never… I never said it to anyone else before.” He could see Bomi was staring with wide eyes at him from his peripheral vision. Maybe she didn’t believe him, but it’s the truth. Jongin never said it to Junhee, he never said it to Naeun. It’s not that he didn’t love them, it’s just…

After a while, Bomi started to chuckle, but got choke up in the middle. “What’s that…,” she whined, trying to smile but the tears kept on rolling down her cheeks and she wiped them furiously, “… This is not funny at all…”

Jongin kept quiet. 

“Do you know,” Bomi started to talk and Jongin raised his head, “How hard it is… to not love you? Kim Jongin, you… I told you, didn’t I? That you’re wonderful,” she laughed, empty and hollow. “But you… I don’t want to ruin what we have. I can be by your side, that’s enough for me. I convinced myself that the reason I go to Seoul is not you, it’s because I want it, but honestly… Honestly, if it’s not because of you... I will be fine staying in the town.”

He shut his eyes close, Sehun’s fight with Bomi that he overheard years before on his mind.

“Don’t put that face,” Bomi touched his cheek, and this made Jongin opened his eyes, turning to look at the girl. Bomi was smiling, despite her glassy eyes. “That’s my own choice… To be with you.”

Jongin stared. Carefully, he raised his hand, cupping Bomi’s face. He leaned forward, and he’s kissing his best friend.

It’s not like his very first kiss with Junhee, where everything was just awkward and he’s not sure about anything, even if it’s just a one-second peck. And it’s not like the first time he kissed Naeun, at the snowy road on Christmas’s eve, where everything was perfect and he’s so sure about his feelings, kissing her gently.  

This time, it just felt… right, even when nothing was.

It felt like coming home.

It was a slow kiss, like they had every second in the world, and when they parted, Jongin rested his forehead on Bomi’s.

“I don’t know what to do…,” he whispered, “Bomi… I can’t be without you.”

Bomi smiled at him, “… Sure you can, Seoul Boy.” She kissed Jongin again, which he returned, and Jongin’s heart clenched because he knew why she kissed him. “You will.” Bomi’s fingers wiped over Jongin’s cheek – he didn’t even realize he had cried. “… I love you, Kim Jongin.” She paused, forcing herself to smile wider. “Always.”

“What if…,” Jongin swallowed, “What if I really ask you to run away with me?”

She tilted her head, smiling easily. “Are you going to ask me for real?”

Jongin stared back at Bomi with sorrow, because both of them knew what Bomi’s answer would be, and they also knew whether Jongin would ask her or not. Yet, for all the things they knew about each other, their feelings were not one of them.  

He had been a selfish guy for years, keeping Bomi for himself without doing anything about it, taking every bit of her for granted.

Bomi wiped her face clean and pat her cheeks before she stood up. She looked down at Jongin and offered her hand, already the Yoon Bomi that Jongin knew, the one who filled the silence Jongin made. “Let’s go home?”

Jongin took the hand, holding it tightly for the last time.

It’s time to let go.

***

Jongin woke up with a throbbing head from the lack of sleep, and his eyes hurt so bad since he cried himself to sleep the night before, now he’s struggling to open them. An empty bed across from his own was the first thing he saw, and the next second waves of emotion hit him hard.

He curled up under the blanket, trying to make himself as small as possible, crying silently.

Bomi was probably already on the train on her way back to Seoul.

Because they made their choice last night, and Jongin knew he would always think back of the day he let go of the love of his life, yet he also knew that they’re not going to regret it.

But Bomi’s scent was still lingering, the resonance of her laughter would never go away, and a part of her would always be with Jongin.  

So he cried, cried, and cried.

And it would be last time.

At age 22, Kim Jongin stopped being a selfish guy.

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