I have always imagine how my life will look like. Finish high school, move straight to college, get my hard-earned degree, get nervous for my first ever job, meet a guy, have tons of bestfriends, get married and have babies. 

And it stops there. In my childlike expectation, it feels so easy and I can't wait to finish school. 

Oh man, I was so wrong. When I realised how stressful and difficult it was to apply for college, I started to take things easy. In other words, I procrastinated a lot because I didn't want to admit that I can't do this. All my life, I always feel positive. I pray earnestly, and so I thought. It is simple to pray when you are in a position where everything falls in the right place. 

The night I chose to marry Kris, that very night I got his tiny letters, I was so sure because I was young. Though I knew I was too shy, I still think that this could work. I mean, how bad can it go? He comes from a nice and humble family, he is the good son, able to take responsibilty - so how bad can it really go, right? Generally, I will be happy forever. Plus, my parents love him. They trust him to take care of me. Knowing how protective my parents and siblings towards me, choosing to be with him is like hitting the jackpot. It is true. He is too nice that I feel bad for him because I wonder if I can take care of him. 

I am scared. I don't know how long this will last.

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It was 1 am when suddenly, Kris nudged me.

"Are you happy?" 

It was bedtime and both of us were laying side by side, ready to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep that night and I was surprised that he wasn't asleep yet.

We have been together for quite some time. We went to parties together, family dinner with both sides of families, few dates here and there, celebrate our birthdays and anniversary at home with just both of us - basically, we spent time as a couple for almost every event there was. Deep inside, I questioned myself everyday if I am happy. 

Finally, he was able to touch this black hole I have as a heart.

"I'm comfortable. Thank you for asking,"

Kris smiled but I knew he was unsatisfied. He leaned towards me closer and his right hand reached for my earlobe, kneading it as if he was soothing me.

"You know, I am happy too. But-"

Oh gosh, there was a but. A but is not a good thing.

"But?"

"But I feel like you don't like to be with me. Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh no Kris, you don't," I gently grabbed his hand that was kneading my earlobe. 

I know I have to be as clear as possible. His eyes were full of worry and questions. I knew for sure he was demanding an explanation about our relationship. And gosh, I hated how he was so calm even though I knew he was anxious. If I were him, I would be lashing out maybe.

"I know what you think. I know how I am reacting to this whole thing. I know you are so patient. Yes, I think I know that look you are giving me. I kind of expecting that from how I act towards you,"

His eyes were gentle yet concerned. I think this was the first time he looked like he wasn't sure about something and that something was me.

"I adore you. You are amazing to me, probably the best guy ever for me. My parents are right. Well, they are always right. But I'm just not sure where this is going. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I did thought of separating,"

"Separating?" 

I hope everyone could hear how disappointed he was. 

"No, no, I'm not going to. I just thought of it because you are doing your part and I am just scared to be myself around you. I think I'm just scared that one day you'll give up on me and I regret it and I know it is my fault. This is too selfish that I just can't think straight. I'm sorry," Tears swelled and I was trying so hard not to let it out.

No crying, I thought to myself. 

Kris let go of my hand and leaned closer to hug me.

That was it. I just cried like a kid. I didn't know if my heart just broke or another layer of bricks covered it.

"I know you are trying hard. Me too. I'll wait okay. Let's promise each other to stay together,"

That night, we knew we weren't sure of tomorrow but surely, there will be us.

I rather like him forever than love him temporarily.

__________________________

how are you guys doing?

i have been stuck in my house for 4 weeks now and i guess another few weeks to go.

hows the condition of your country? are you guys a homebody like me?

whatever it is, stay healthy and take extra precaution when going out.

we can beat this!