I just hope I can run away from this reality and escape to fantasy. I have always dream to do things by myself without asking people to help me. I get really anxious, seeing successful ladies out there and having a great life. They do their career with passion and never ever let people bring them down. The fact that they are really outspoken, blows me away and unfortunately, makes me feel small. 

A painter like would never get anything. I am coward. I have nothing to tell people about me, except telling them I am a painter. An unknown painter. When things get harder, all I can do is to hide and imagine things will get better. I remain silence when my opinion is being challenged. I don't have the courage to fight what I want and what I know. Instead, you can guess it, I coward away. I follow people's tail and forget that I even have one that I should hold onto. 

I always see people walking fast to their way. Some wait for the train patiently, some read the newspaper with a serious look, some look hesitatee waiting for the train and some are scrolling their timeline on their phones. I want to be one of them. They have something to do, something to look forward to. They have future ahead and eventhough things are getting hard, they still stand up and push all the boundaries in front of them. How I wish my life is like that. At least, I don't have to worry about doing nothing. Or being useless.

"How's class, honey?" Mom asked as soon as I get into the passenger's seat. I just nod and heaved a quiet sigh, which my mom heard.

"Wow, rough day I guess. Anyway, Kris is at home with your dad. You know, talking about boys' stuffs,"

Great. He sure know how to mess with my hormones.

"Is he bringing me to his house?" My mom nodded, with eyes on the road as she drives.

"But I'm tired. I have a test this week and please don't mention about all those assignments. It's driving me crazy!" I said, calmy. *well no, im not that calm*

"You are the one who decided to go to college, honey. Kris even told you to rest for awhile because you guys just got married,"

I sigh.

I know, it's my fault but rest? I stayed home for the most of the time and yes, I did some volunteering work. I feel guilty. I can't just be at home while my 'hubby' is at work. I am married to him and I want to contribute something to him. 

We have our own house. Cosy and small, just how I life it. At first, he wanted to rent a bigger home for us, but I realised that it will cost more. Both of us are a young couple and married because of those tiny, tingling feeling we had for each other. Our relationship is a glass. It might break anytime. So, yes, I do feel like maybe this relationship will not stand for long and I don't want to give Kris any burden. He is perfect, so I don't want any risk.

We reached home after 10 minutes of drive. As soon as mom's car park in the porch, Kris and my dad got out of the house and I saw Kris, with keys in his hands and a big suitcase on the other. 

After 6 months of going back and forth from my parents' house and our house, finally, I'm going to stay with Kris. In our house. Just us.

I went off the car and walked past Kris and towards my dad. I hugged him like a teddy bear and I almost cry. I thought I still have some time with my parents after arriving from class but it seems like Kris wanted me to grow up and be ready. Mom went out after, and hugged Kris and told him to take care of me. Dad did the same to him as I reached for my mom like a child.

This is it. I'm leaving.

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It was an awkward drive. I was a bit mad, since I had to leave as soon as I finished my daily class. Kris seems like he knew I was mad, because he was quiet. Usually, he was the one who talk and make jokes. Wife 1, Hubby 0.

We reached our house which was an hour from my parents house. I go straight to the bathroom and change to my night dress. Kris did the same and .

"Are you going to bed now? It's late now," Kris laid down on his side of the bed with his eyes still on me.

"Not yet, I need to finish this," I answered. Assignments are bad.

"Take it easy. You had eight hours of class today,"

Maybe I should, maybe i don't. It just feel awkward to be in the same room, just us. I was never a hardworker but with Kris's presence, I have to do something to keep myself occupied. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him. I don't blame our marriage. In fact, it was a beautiful moment. We were married in my parents' garden, surrounded with my mom's hydrangeas and white roses. My wedding dress was made by yours truly. Well, not from scratch. I just bought a plain long, sleeve dress from a local store and added up the laces. For the flower bouquet, my mom did her magic with the baby's breath. All I can say, I was proud and happy with our marriage. It was simple yet magical.  Not many guests, but all important people in my life were there.

Kris was gorgeous. He looked dashing in his black suit. Trust me, I think every girls would be jealous of me for having him. I felt lucky but then, I know marriage is not all about that. There's more to it and I'm anxious. The moment we kissed, many things went around my head. Is this the right thing to do? What if I fail? Why he chose me? What if, he hates me later on? I could never answer those questions and I don't know when will I know. 

Pictures were taken, speeches by our parents, and the ring on my finger. Those are the things that constantly make me think a lot. Pictures are memories. Speeches are hope and prayers by our parents and the ring is a sign of our tie. What if we are not meant to be? 

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hey guys

its been such a loooooooooong timee

im soo sorry for not updating. its just, its been hard these days with school and i suddenly had to write something out of my head. and i guess this fanfic is where i want to spill all the ideas.

my writings a crap now XD but ill try ok *wink*