Don't get me start on our first night. Yes, we consumated our marriage weeks after the wedding and that is just it. No more information. Kris was not pushy with me. I have my moods and he was kind of prepared and calm about it. 

Sometimes I wonder if he will give up with me. Trust me, I did not annoy him or anything. I just give him a silent treatment, which is obviously not a good idea. I should do something about us and he is working so hard for our relationship. 

And yet, I am still not opening up to him. I still don't get it. Why he chose me when we only met for a couple of times and only few words were spoken? 

I draw when I am stressed out. Or when I am bored. Depends. I never draw when I am happy and that's kind of weird I guess. When I am happy, I just want to enjoy the moment and forget about drawing. But when things get hard, drawing is the only thing I crave for. Pen and paper, that's all I need. And all those worries photocopied on the paper. When it's done, sometimes I add some colour, but usually I don't. When it comes to drawing I don't let other issue comes in the way. I don't expand my ideas, just let the drawing tells its own story. That is why most of my arts usually seems incomplete and I appreciate it that way. 

I draw a lot after the wedding but I don't think Kris know that I draw when I'm stressed. He didn't notice my lecture notes, where all the doodles decorated almost the whole paper. 

Sometimes, I think I'm not working hard on this relationship, believing that give up is the best shot for us. But another part of me know that I can do this. The bond we have can be strengthen and if we work this out, I know things will get better. At least, I won't have to worry much. Kris seems to be at ease, doing things bit by bit. Never too much, never less. He never miss out to give me a peck everyday, before going to work and before bed. And I would be standing awkwardly, like a soldier with hands on my sides.

Kris never ask for anything back. I wil just give in but never be the one who start it. He would be the one who kiss me, ask how my day is, and give me the smile anytime I was caught staring at him. It makes me wonder if he feels lonely, despite being married.

But it's going to change now.

It is a quarter past 11 at night and we are still awake. I downloaded an anime movie called Whisper of the Heart during a boring day in class and Kris found out I did when he was using my laptop. And here we are, side by side, on our bed, eyes on the laptop screen with our arms propped up. It is a story about a girl, who recognised the same name who borrow the book everytime she did. They found out about each other and turns out the guy purposely borrow every book in library to catch her attention. Through his dream to be a violin maker, she decided to write, to be on 'the same level' as the guy because she thought she is out of his league. Both of them are young and felt their skills are weak but with the help from the guy's grandfather, both of them make sure to keep moving and become a better version in the future.

I totally can relate to the girl. Insecurities is my biggest weakness, while Kris know what he is doing and did not make any excuse.

__________________________________________

It's morning.

"Damn it," Too early. I push myself up and realise Kris is still asleep. I'm pretty early today since I barely sleep last night. Not a creep, but I watched Kris the whole night. Yeah, the whole night.

I slowly climb out the bed and walk slowly towards the kitchen, trying not to wake Kris up. 

Bless with hands of a painter, I'm actually pretty good at cooking. It doesn't taste good but I try hard. As long as it looks presentable and taste edible, I'm good to go. My mom taught me how to make simple soups and stir-fried before I got married and I don't remember any of them. Honestly, Google save the day. 

I have school later at 11am. Even though I am halfway through college, I still get anxious over small things. Plus, I don't even have friends to be with. I do have classmates but we just talk about schools stuffs and that is it. There are so many things I try to keep as secrets so put boundaries when we talk. Kris doesn't know about this. He though I am enjoying school because I can get away from him. Well, it is true, I do need to get away from him sometimes but these days, I feel Kris's presence is way better than school. 

Since I get anxious a lot, I even consider to stop going to school and go through online courses. Honestly, I am not really sure if that is a good decision because I am pretty indecisive. I do not know what I want and I am not sure what to do.

"Honey," 

His strong arms embrace my body while I am doing the dishes. The first time he did that, I was stunned and immediately pushed him gently. But now, I am used to it. Though I am still confused with my feelings, I let it happen every now and then. He is my husband anyway.

"Morning," I greet him and a peck touches my left cheek. 

I can't say I hate it. He showers me with everything a girl wants and yet, I am still bitter with my life choices. I think I like him, but to confess that I love him, induced my anxiety. So, I rather not think about it much but just so you know, here I am, thinking about it again.

___________________________________________________________

its 2020 and here i am after SO many years. 

im sure some of my readers are moving forward with their lives and again, here i am, writing a story i left when i was still in school.

this space here reminds me a lot of my teenage angst and dreamy expectation. now that im a bit older but not wiser, reality truly hits. adulthood is pain in the bum but i know im going to be okay. 

so, since being a young adult is hell of a stress, I decide to continue this story a bit. not a long one, but enough to put me in a situation where im glad i finish what i start.

thus, HAPPY READING. im sorry for any mistakes and i dont mind any criticism and new ideas.

again, thank you. to whoever reach here ;D