''I'm so happy to be able to do this broadcast ''

Somehow your signature gleeful voice sound so melancholic to me.No dancing unicorns along the tone,no rainbows along the line.Just an empty one.A barren shell.But of course no one would get that.Nobody will notice that. Who will anyway ? we are in the midst of releasing our next awaiting song ,vips are in their celebratory mood,and Daesung,he is an actor. A good one.Highly mastered  in masking his expression ,his feeling ,his true emotion.No one to be blame here.

''I want to go to Daesung's house''

"why,hyung?,"

"I-just want to see if you are playing drum ,"

Lie.I just want to see you.To see how you deal with your life after the walk that you had chose .To see if you indeed will not miss teasing your tabi hyung during dance practice like how you claim you will  adapt to.I want to see if you really can forget the dim light of our studio room that had been a loyal witness of all your passion over singing all this time like how you said you never like them in a first place .To see if you can forget your routine, going to church with Youngbae every free weekend like how you said it is how it suppose to be.To see with my own eyes if you really will not cry each time remembering all those sweats,tears and laughs that we all five had when we were together,during all those concerts like how you think you will survive.To make sure that you are really doing okay like how you said you will.And I badly,desperately want to prove how wrong you are.

''What do you think about Zutter?,"

"Why me? its not my song ,"

You laugh.As always.Make it sounds like some sassy comeback and no one will hear your silent scream .A lot safer.Thats how you think.But you are wrong.We are all your brothers.For ten years for God sake! We know.We laugh along but we know the trick and we feel the pain eventhough its not about us ,its about you.I know you craves to sing,hell,its the reason of your entire existance,to have another korean song that your mum can listen to,that your dad can at least talk about when he meet his friends ,we know and we really hope you get one too,you are too talented to be waste.But I don't know why there is  always something that get in your way,first , the accident,twice to be exact and now ,this.I know you will never blame us,you adore us,our talent,chanting about how great we are more than the fans.You are kind.Yeah,one of a kind.Can I just cry for you? 

''Hyung,want to come with us ? club?," Seungri is the first to break the silence after we all hopped into the van that will bring us all home.He always be the one who do that and this is the first time I'm agreeing with him.

"Ah,sorry maknae-ah,I have to start packing my things ,if I can finish all the clothing item tonight,I can just do the rest  tomorrow," You smiled.A fake one.A forced one.And I hate it beyond words.

My fingers ball up into fist,gripping ,suppressing a frustrated feels I'm having,that we all are having.Seungri didn't reply after that,didn't smile either.He hope you get that massage but you like playing tough so much that you didn't even fake it this one and for a moment,my breath caught in my throat.You can't be that strong.You can't be that easy .You can't just separate us from you that simple.But then I see those fragile transparent shell that encasing your soul.Quivering in its weakest state,wet.Got you.

"I'm not coming too,"Somehow Seungri didn't asked me why.They all didn't.

The silent game continue until the irritating sound of the crinkling keys wreck it and you gave me the sorry look.Honestly,you don't have to be sorry for that.If I'm the one in your shoe,I would shiver too.

"I'm going to my room now ,hyung,so if-  sit ! 

"Hyung-,"

"I said sit down Daesung! You are not going anywhere! ,"

"Hyung-,"

"How could you do this to us?," 

"I thought we have talk about this before? ," 

"how could you leave us,the fans,your dream,me- "

"I have too,my voice will never be alright after the surgery and you ,out of all these peolple,should have knew that," 

"Easy said than done Dae-,"

"I'm the one who will have to endure it ,hyung ! you don't have to say something like that!,"

"How selfish outta ignorant can you be ,Dae? We are all you brothers,we don't want to lose you,there's no big bang witho-

"without me? ,"

"Yeah,without you.There is no big bang without the smiling angel Kang Daesung.," 

"...-

"I'm so sorry,hyung.I can't destroy the reputation of our group,the reputation of the rest of you with my dying voice ,I might as well go," 

"You never ask me if I want to bear all that-,"

"Did you ask the same question to them?

"...,"

"I'll be in my room if you need me ,"

"Dae-"

"This is hard for me ,hyung,DON'T MAKE IT HARDER! Don't bother about how i feel ,Its what I'm trying to do ."

I couldn't sleep till its four in the morning ,tossing around,accompanied by the excessive hyperventilation,hands shivering each time my mind picturing four of us on the stage instead of the usual five.The changes will certainly leaves a permanent scar in my life.Thats for sure.The others had return to their own house instead of our dorm.They couldn't stand the reality.They chose to ignore it.The reality that by tomorrow morning,there will be no more big bang,no more five brothers ,no more smiling angel Daesung.There will be no more pleasant reality.Its nightmare.And somehow my  eyes give up on me  as how I did to Daesung.

The next morning I woke up early.Usually Daesung would be please to see that

 He hates waking me up. They all do. 

but not this morning 

Daesung is no longer here

To sneek a peek through my  narrow door opening and smile sweetly to my sleeping figure.

So,it doesn't matter anymore